i keep thinking of that yellow table. the yellow washing machine and dryer in the background. the kitchen floor, the backdoor, chocolate chip cookies that my mom made, my 6th birthday party cake with a real barbie in the center, the red house across the street, the warm sun, the blue sky, our white picket fence, the sweatpeas in the front window, the light blue color of my mother's room, the icy temperature of my own room, toys in the dark wooden hope chest, my dresser, my red rain hat in th top drawer, my cat eating cantalope in the living room, the ugly green couch, the dark spare bedroom, mother in her light blue bmw....i keep thinking of home....i want to go home....i can't seem to make my self realize that that home doesn't exist anymore...that mother doesn't exist anymore, the cat has died, the car has broken, the sun has changed, that reality is no more. my world of color and sunshine has turned grey. 1989 is no more. but in my mind, it's a place. a place i can go back to if i just find the way, if i take the 5 fwy far north enough...... ....can you show me the way home? if only i had ruby red slippers...there's no place like home, there's no place like home... but i'm sure that wouldn't work either.
thousands, okay not thousands, hundreds of phone numbers of friends i haven't called in years adorn my address books, they fill my shoeboxes, they are everywhere, neatly put away. i never look at them. it's been too long. i feel like it's too late. i never call anyone. except maybe to make plans. it's not that i don't like calling people, it's just that i don't really know anyone well enough to call them....and now, now it's been too long...everytime i think of calling someone from the past, i don't. they probably won't remember me. and if they do, they probably won't care. every moment i spent with them i remember. they were a bigger part of my life than i was theirs. why is this? they only knew me for about a year. a school year that is. or perhaps less. to them, i was 'the new girl' at school. i ate lunch with them, we hung out in PE, some of them came to my birthday party. that was all. that's what i call 'friends.' i wasn't allowed to call them, i wasn't allowed to hang out after school with them...i never really had friends then, did i? it's not my fault. i wanted so badly to go out with them, to call them....and now, now i'm free. now i can do whatever i want...but there's no one to hang out with now, there's no group of people to eat lunch with that can be more than that now....all i have is phone numbers of almost everyone i've called a "friend" since fifth grade....i called andrew pick from 10th grade last year....but it had been to long...he didn't care, i was just an insignificant something from his past...i mean, he remembered me and everything, it was just 'too late' to be friends again. i tried calling regina so many times that i've given up, we can never seem to get together and hang out....i want to call hailey oh so badly, i've wanted to for along time, but the last time i saw her she thought i was flirting with the guy i didn't even know she liked....she was mad...i was naive...i had no idea that hitting someone was flirting....i'd call her, but i think she hates me....they were from 10th grade too...even people from 12th grade, i can't seem to call them either....i'm so used to leaving my past behind that i tend to do it even when i don't have to. but again, i think it's too late...i didn't keep in contact soon enough, and they didn't know me long enough to care...i never have known anyone that long.
a quote by Hermann Goering at the Nuremberg trials, 1946 (from Nuremberg Diary, by G. M. Gilbert):
"Of course the people don't want war ..... That is understood. But ..... it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
how democratic IS america?
i've heard that bush said we are going to war, no matter how many peace demonstrators there are. this means our "democratic" president does not care about your say or your vote....even if all of america was against the war, bush would still declare it. so much for democracy! that's just lovely, don't you think?
there are rumors of world war three too...(coming from ucsd phd's and also emo-20 years olds)
In 1990 or so, my mom wrote a song:
"...world war three for you and me, your weapons are insainity... ...hail Hussein, hail mr. Bush...."
kinda freaky huh?
it could still happen.....she could still be right.
errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.........oh my god i HATE my school! it's so retarded!! if you were thinking of going to ucsd, just kill yourself instead!! i'm trying to register for classes, and i need to take 4 and i can only find 3...there are like NO options! either that or everything has prerequisites, BUT they don't offer the stupid prerequisites, and then i looked up about 100 regenional specialization classes that i'm required to take (i only need to actually take 3 of them) but there are like 100 options...and guess what?! they don't have those classes either!!! how am i supposed to take my fucking GE's if they don't HAVE them. what an idiot retarded school! i would be much happier at a community college...grrrr....there is not ONE good thing about this school, that's right you stupid "i know everything" people, SAN DIEGO IS NOT SUNNY...at least La Jolla isn't, it's cold and it's foggy and it's cloudy and it's windy and right now it's even rainy. on top of that, there are ugly orange streetlights that make everything at night look all one ugly color, so you can't tell the difference between black, green, blue, and red cars....they all just look like some dark orangish brown color. i HATE it here! i'd rather live in a nameless small town...i'd even rather go back to orange county or alaska, even morro bay where there is nothing to do and nothing to buy....i HATE HATE HATE HATE la jolla and it's stupid ucsd....die die die...i'd even be happier going to UCR and living in the riverside smog!.......errrrrrrrrrrrr stupid UCSD!
yay! i modified/custumized/designed my comment box template!! go look at it! leave me comments! weeee! i'll cry if you don't leave me comments.... i really will!
this friday, i get to find out if i'm dying. i'm going to get a whole bunch of tests done...i've been sick on and off for a year...i just want to have energy again! .........so today, i said was only going to be on the computer for an hour...but it turned in to 9 hours!!! i helped about 6 people with their blogs/websites....i'm so sick of helping people, i just don't have time, and yet at the same time, i want to help them! lol. errrr.
updates: i haven't been sleeping enough lately: only about 4 hours of sleep per night, i haven't done any homework for two weeks, and i haven't had any fun either: kill the computer!!! i also failed my theatre quiz today...yay my first "F" ever!! lol ..oh well...that's what happens when you don't do your homework....stupid blogskins....it's all your fault!! grrrr!
my mom gave me a shirt that says 'san bernadino valley college' (note: i go to ucsd) and a heart shaped rock for valentine's day....who knows why!?!...she still thinks i'm 7, i think...oh, when will i ever find my mom? where is the mother i used to know....we've been seperated 8 years, 1 month and 4 days...and even though i'm free now, i will never get her back. oh... when does it end? when will things go back to normal? it seems they only get worse.
i'm losing myself.
i am no-one.
i don't have a self anymore, i don't have a personality anymore. i don't have any goals, any dreams, or anything anymore. i feel too weak to go on any longer. i'm slipping away, slowly, but i am. each day it gets harder and harder to be myself. i'd like to invest in a bubble, or a nice soap dish..something that will protect me from the outside world, from everything...from everyone.... it's funny, i'm so tough from life, but at the same time, i let every little comment affect me...every critisism, every mean comment, even when i know it's a lie said by an evil jealous person...i still take it to heart...yes, they win.... i get more and more scared every day...i don't want people to stare at my clothes, i don't want people to be mean. i need to get away from ucsd...it's killing me..."they" are killing me...i imagine that this is what hell is like...i'm not sure how things could get anyworse... maybe i'm already in hell...my whole life has been hell, not once have i ever gotten something good that didn't turn out to be a bad thing in disguise....oh, i wish i was 4 years old again...i want to go home...my home is in the past, my mom, my cat, our house with the white picket fence, and my friends, and the rain, and Stew with his rasberries and mint plants in the back yard. If i were anyone else i would have killed myself by now....but no, i'm too dumb to do that, i just keep pushing on and pushing on and on....but for what?? i don't see any hope of happiness at the end of the road...i see a trail of superficial people and false friends...more limits, more rules...more problems, more judgements, more worries...it will never get better. it just can't get better.....
there is no hope.
i made a new template design for my guestbook: [see it! sign it!] and a million new template designs!! go here:[maystardesigns] they are mainly in the imageless section, but have images, just like my guestbook!
i'm not ready for war.
i'm not well enough yet.
i haven't recovered from my "life" yet.
they are going to bomb us.
i know it.
at least one of the countries is going to.
i haven't got the strength to endure even one more thing.
i already feel like i'm dying.
i would die if we were bombed.
we are not invincible, we are not immotal.
we are just america.
they CAN and WILL bomb us!
can't we just not have a war?
can't we just mind our own bussiness?
if we did that, then no one would even want to bomb us in the first place!
america is like a nagging wife that gets hit.
if we don't bother people, they won't hurt us.
what is wrong with may?! it seems as though i'm changing a lot lately-sorta kinda 'against my will' lol. for example i've always been a neat person and now my room never stays clean for a second! i'm tired all the time and i never have energy anymore. my sleeping pattern is ALL screwed up-even more than before! this weekend i woke up at 7am and 9am on sat and sun for no reason at all! i don't even wake up that early for school! it was horrible!! i like to sleep until like 2pm! at least! in additon to these things, i have become a procrastinator, mainly with my homework...i miss classes (not a lot, but more than normal), i'm late to classes, i'm on the internet too much, i also am always late and never ready to go out when i should be. and on and on and on. now this may be normal for some of you, but not for ME! i used to always be on time, or 5-10 min.s early to everything. i always used to be ready and pratically waiting by the door when someone was supposed to pick me up. i used to do my homework the second it was assigned (i can't breathe with something hanging over my head!), i never used to miss school or be late, i used to only be the internet every few days for only a few min.s, etc, etc...
something is seriously wrong!! what's happening to me?! i'm becoming like the people i hate!! (like i HATE when people are late! i used to hate when Mia was on her computer forever and not having fun with me)
is this just a "college" thing or ??? has this happened to anyone else? eeek!
i made two three new blog/website templates. (instead of doing my homework!) they are not availible on blogskins, but if you want to use one feel free to email me and i'll send you the template!
[blue bubbles preview] [black stars preview] [eyes preview] xoxo
going to bed now!
tell me how much money your parents make and how many places you've traveled to, and i'll tell you what your opinion of ucsd would be.
i'm studying for my statistics quiz as though it were a test in highschool, in other words, i haven't read any of the chapters yet, but i'm reading them all now, right before the quiz....lol....so you can't really call it "studying," can you?
okay....so i guess they found out that i covered up my ads!! oops. that's why none of my web-pages work...but don't worry! i am wasting more of my time to fix them! (i can't even log in to my old account!! eeek!)
update: ...after 6 hours, all my pages are back up they are now on "powow.com" lol. their ads are at the bottom on pages...that's better at least!
aka: my links work again!
[...don't forget to sign my new guestbook...]
i always think is that there is a "right" way to do everything.
...kinda like how your grandma only lets people fold her towels ONE way, the "right" way...LOL....i also follow the main "what you are supposed to do" ideas...like going to college, wearing a bra, i do it cuz "that's what you are supposed to do." Now obviously if every one did that, this world would be pretty boring, and there is not only one "right" way to do things....that is what i'm trying to learn. i have trouble with the fact that there is no one "right" way to perform a monologue, no "right" way to structure a song....i'm so used to having rules and boundries...i'm so scared of doing something "wrong"....that fear keeps me from "thinking outside the box"....of course i'm very capable...but i didn't know that we were allowed to think outside the box! lol i need to make myself relize that whatever i want to do is "right." unless someone makes a rule against something, it is okay to do (for example it's okay to make your project posterboard into the shape of a girl, unless someone tells you that it has to be square squaped.....i always thought that it had to besquare-shaped without anyone telling me!! lol ...i need to realize that it's OK to be creative...it's OK to have my own ideas...that i don't even have to do all my homework if i don't want to! ...that it's OK to do other things than homework NOW, like i can spend 20 min.s per day writing a book, that i can go auditions, that i can do what i want to do! as simple as a concept it may be, i have a really hard time knowing that i can do what i want to, knowing that i can write a paper my own way ....
so this being said...i'm going to try to make time to write a book, go to auditons, to exercise, to go dancing, and i'm going to try to do less homework....i also really need to remember that there is no right way to do things and that i can choose whatever monolouge that i think is best for my audition and that i can act it out whatever way i think is right.... and that i can manage my time the way i want to (aka: not a slave only to homework), and that it's OK to take a nap. okay, well i'll try... thanks a lot for helping me ashley! xoxo
eeeek...i'm going to fail mmw...i really am....my paper topic isn't even approved yet...i haven't opened a book to research it yet...the prospectus is due in 3 days! i have a stats quiz on thursday, a 10 page paper due next week...and on and on and on...but, here i am, not able to sleep again, wasting time on the computer again...it's insane. i've missed many of my sections by accident...sleeping through them, i'm constantly sick this quarter, i haven't gotten to have any fun, chris is mean sometimes, i can't focus on anything important, i keep slipping back into horrible states of depression, and on and on and on.
randomness:
i hate people that copy me, in any way! grrrrr!
ha ha ha ha ha, you can't change the text size on my site no matter how hard you try!
if you see me online this week, yell at me!
write my mmw paper for me! i'll pay you! please?! lol
news: i'm now the new "Childs Play Girl" for Child's Play Promotions which is "the leader in South Jersey Music Promotion and Production....(they) are currently working with record labels in New Jersey and other bigger type labels..." so if you are a Punk/Ska/Emo/Hardcore/Rock/Hard Rock/Metal/Cover band, they can hook you up with shows and such. [go check it out yourself] (there's a pic of me with a link in the bottom right hand corner.) weee!
okay everyone is fired!! everyone from ck is fired at least!! about 20+ people from candykids went to my site tonight, but did not go to this page..not even one!...errrrrrr.....but 24 people went to my "naked pictures" page...LOL.....shallow people!
as if you can't tell, i re-did my whole website...again! i wanted to make it more colorful and also viewable to those who use that sucky resolution that makes everything look too big! someone ground me from the computer!! it's more addictive than cigerettes! i'm so behind in homework...i can't help it...it's so much better to actually accomplish and finish something, than do homework which never ends!!...anyways check out all the pages and see what's changed..! okay well going to bed now...xoxo
a funny quote from chris, as he was wanting me to listen to a rough draft of his new song at my house...
"what you don't have anything that plays tapes? what kind of place is this??!" lol, i thought it was funny at least... i think you have to be there! ...it is kinda weird that i don't have anything to play tapes with though.....i decided to *not* own a CD player (other than the clock radio) because i have a computer with a subwoofer...i forgot all about my poor box of radio-recorded tapes from back in the day when there were no mp3s really--ha ha...maybe i should get my 1994 sony "boombox" [aka tape AND cd player!] back from my friend....lol i really want something that plays tapes, mp3s, cds, and records...i suppose they will never make one of those...oh well. : (
things i've learned in college:
pants worn by rich girls always look so "new" because they only wash them every 3+ months! (i'm serious!!....maybe not ALL of them, but a lot of them!)
people suck even more than i ever dreamed possible. (only some..)
you can manipulate almost any fact to make it say what you want it to.
the government extra-sucks
it's okay if you have a bad TA, as long as he grades "easy"
peoples hair falls out in the shower
spellcheck makes you stupid
html and stuff
a lot of people write worse than me (like grammar and making sense-wise)
you are only allowed to wear boots with skirts to niteclubs....not school
people are super boring (some)
people are very very very selfish (most)
you can pass 3 quarters of french class without really learning anything
...............okay time to start studying for my midterm, at 3am....!
eeekk...i'm going to fail my mmw midterm...i'm addicted to web-designing and all the new stuff i'm learning! lol
i made a new [[facts]] page, so make sure to go look at it!! esp. the links and the random graphics "outside the box" !.... i also learned how to cover up all my banner ads!! tee hee! am i going to go to jail now?? lol
yay! someone else quoted me!! [here...go look] lol
i'm also in his "best blogs" link section, and you are not, so there!! ha ha ha okay, i know, i know, i'm still 5 (yrs old), but i thought you already knew that! !
peace in iraq is fine, but i am still filled with HATE.
it won't go away.
it's eating away at me.
some quotes from HER profile:
"little about me: ....most of my friends are guys cuz i just dont seem to get along with girls as well, and i like crying to emo..well..ok i dont cry that much..but we can pretend! :p "
"favorite things: ....being stupid (oh, but in a smart way dont cha' know), loving people, and being outgoing.
....and being myself, the natural stupid flirt that i am"
i HATE her, i HATE her, i want to kill her, someday i will kill her. if you don't know who i'm talking about that's fine....just know that i have a huge scar on my back thanks to her...and that she is a discusting fake hypocrite. if there is a war, i think i'll stain her skin and throw her into iraq, right onto the battlefield ...how? i don't know! i just will!
my self-confidence, well my courage at least, is going away....i can't ever wear what i want anymore; i mean i can wear a polka-dot dress and red shoes just fine, but i can't seem to wear my white skirt-petticoat thing...i'm just too scared...i'm not that strong anymore....i can't take all the dirty looks anymore, i don't want people to stare at me. i don't want people to yell things at me....and i definately will NEVER wear my new pink boots to school!! i am only safe inside a rave....or inside a club...it is so sad. i can't wear what i want to.....i can't even be myself.
