[fun new pictures! click here] tee hee! i got to playdress up! lol. i cut up about 10 shirts and put together a few outfits and stuff. the pix are of a "contraption" that i put together. lol it's spring break! weee! i really miss having free time like this....despite that i have no sleep for almost 48 hours...i like it....i have system of a down blaring on my cd player too...it's so nice to not have roomates around....!! i never listen to music anymore. damn UCSD. anyway, i just realized that i don't even have pictures of "my style" on this site...everything looks too punk or emo or too black white and red...that's not a normal may thing! those colors just go better with red hair! the blonde may wore pink sparkle skirts, bright green pants, light blue, pastle yellow, white, silver, and stuff like that....i should probably scan some pix in for you guys to see! lol anyway, the outfit in the link--i want to wear it out--like to school, so bad, but i think i'm too scared...critisism has taken away my courage! .....anyway...off to Morro Bay with Chris in the morning for brake... xoxo update: 9:59 am NEW!!!!!! more picture scans: see the pictures: [8th grade pix] [9th grade pix] [10th grade pix] [11th grade pix] [senoir year pix] [first year of college pix]
i also made myself a new guestbook tmeplate, again...go look at it! click here.
p.s. i've been awake for 49 and a half hours now....and i'm not tired anymore...werid...going to bed now! yay!
www.weather.com hahaha SO THERE! all you stupid people that think sandiego is hot: weather in La jolla 68 F: weather 7 hours NORTH (as in should be colder)is 72 F with lower humidity, lower winds, etc...Morro Bay is much better! but what is wrong with san diego?? WHY is it always cold?? it's supposed to hotter cuz it's south....grrr....
YEAH! BITCH IS RIGHT! ....or should i say THIEF?! look what i found!!! (with the help of an AIM user!) user PunkishBITCH's profile... that little bitch STOLE my pictures, and is linking to MY picture page, saying that it is HER, with all HER info and HER email address on FaceTheJury. How PATHETIC! NOW IT'S WAR...I'm going to hunt her down and KILL her! lol ...see? i told you Americans deserve to die!
okay, it's official: i have chocolate disease. what's that? it's when you get chocolate on your clothes- but oh no not all the time you see, but only when you're wearing brand new, light colored clothes....lately it's happened to me twice in the past two weeks!
6:43pm bad day today: i got absolutley no sleep and had two finals...that's 6+ hours of class...and i'm sure that i failed at least one of them! i couldn't even answer the 2 essay questions (the whole test!)...i didn't know anything they were asking about! i had never even heard on two of the guys i was supposed to write on! and worse: i got back my 2 papers...you know those ones i've been working on for months: i got a C and a C- ...those are my worst grades ever in my life! last quarter i got a 3.75 GPA-Provost's Honors----but this quarter, it's going to be lucky if i even get a 2.0 ...in fact, i might get less then that...i'm really scared! i don't want to lose my fin. aid! i try so so so hard! it's not my fault that i've been sick a lot this quarter....errrrr
generation or age? why is it that people age 24 and up are nicer, more rational, and well almost more 'human' than people around my own age (20) ...is it an age thing and i can look forward to my generation becoming like them, or is it a generation thing and my generation will always be like this....??? someone answer...?
okay! just how many christian rachel brown band girls are there in colorado! errr! how am i supposed to stalk someone if there is more than one of them! please, someone, tell me: why is every rachel brown christian? why do most rachel browns in CO have sisters named sarah? (searching on msn and google) very strange!
weeeee! rainbow! (i'm really 5 years old, not 20...LOL) i don't want to study for finals! no no no! i'm going to fail! i still have about 1000 pages to read! ahhhh!
ha ha ha...one of my friends sites turns up in google searches mainly for: "fighting poems", "depressed poems", and "poems when you feel like shit". (also a "few for self satisfaction")... fighting poems?! what are those?! lol ....i got a few hits from searches for "pictures of murdered victums" ...now THAT's bad! eeeek!
the scary truth about america...things i bet you didn't know... and guess what, they are facts! ["what a wonderful world" click here] from the bowling for comlumbine documentry. too lazy to click the link? what a fine example of an american you are! here are samles of what is to be found on that page: *1980's: U.S. trains Osama bin Laden and fellow terrorists to kill Soviets. CIA gives them $3 billion. *1982: U.S. provides billions in aid to Saddam Hussein for weapons to kill Iranians. *1983: White House secretly gives Iran weapons to help them kill Iraqis. *1990: Iraq invades Kuwait with weapons from U.S. *1991: U.S. enters Iraq. Bush reinstates dictator of Kuwait. *1998: Clinton bombs "weapons factory" in Sudan. Factory turns out to be making aspirin. *1991 to present: American planes bomb Iraq on a weekly basis. U.N. estimates 500,000 Iraqi children die from bombing and sanctions. (NO WONDER IRAQ HATES US!!) *2000-01: U.S. gives Taliban-ruled Afghanistan $245 million in "aid". *September 11, 2001: Osama Bin Laden uses his expert CIA training to murder 3,000 people. want to see more? want details? don't believe it? click here questions? email these people hmmmm.....[this] is interesting too. find more intersting links from the creator of bowling for columbine michaelmoore.com
people hate my ideas and opinions as it is...but me with political opinions? i'm bound to wind up shot!!!! as you can see in the comments below (3/13), some idiot called me a communist...! LOL ....i'm not a communist! i just believe in honesty and liberty and justice for ALL....is that so BAD? from the words (or email) of the best UCSD proffessor ever: (you all know who he is!): The funny thing is, most of these people who accuse you of being communist have absolutely no clue what communism is: they only know that it's "bad." So, keep up your courage, and keep thinking and saying what you believe. Of course, my attitude is to ignore ignorant fools who write offensive messages and obviously have zero understanding of the facts, but writing back can sometimes be amusing.
yeah...and YOU want war so bad?? ok, then drop out of college...go join the army..go DIE for our country...oh? what's that? you don't want to die? well, then shut up! no one else really wants to die either!! and if we go to war...someone will die... and they feel just like you, they are just like you.
In 1917, after over 3 years of fighting what was supposed to be a quick, easy, and bloodless 3 month war, (AKA WORLD WAR I), with millions of people dead, the soilders from the different sides all went into "no man's land" and sang christmas songs together...later they were punished for treason...people are just people, war is so primitive and pointless, we never get anywhere with our weapons of mass destruction...the leaders need to become "civilized" and learn to talk things out...if they can't, well the answer is still not war..."two wrongs don't make a right"...remember that...?
wow...i just found the coolest club ever!! (it's in las vegas though....) 21+ but NO DRESS CODE! and ....look at the pictures: [pictures!!! click here!] to see the whole website click here ...it says the club is 'closed' when you click on 'calendar'.... i hope it's not closed forever! i wanna go there! now that i've had [and ignored] my 20th birthday, i can start planning for my 21st birthday! weeee! it's going to cost SO SO SO much! i'm going to go to las vegas (so i can go to that club...lol) for me and chris, for clubs and drinks, just for a week is going to cost at least $300...note: that does not include hotel rates or gas or food, or anything else....eeek! anyway, if you are going to be 21 during spring break next year, and want to come with me, start saving!! now! you need enough money to share a hotel room with us, and if we go to 6 clubs, you need about $80 (more or less, depending if you are a boy or a girl)... if you are not drinking....lol.... throw in at least $70 more if you are going to drink a little....or be smart and drink before you go out... lol... ...forget gambling!! i'm going to be too broke to gamble!! hahaha...
update: hmmmm...room prices are not as bad as i thought! ...that is, if i don't stay in the hotels that i want! using the wrong dates, it costs the lowest price of $530.00 for a week at the harrahs or $465.00(+tax...) at the flamingo (yuck) vs. $1241.00 the cheapest room at Caesars Palace....and so on... i guess i will have to "lower my standards" [lol] and stay at an "ugly" hotel...LOL...it doesn't matter...i won't ever be in the hotel anyway! so possibly, without eating, or gas money, it will cost about $800-900 at the very least for me and Chris to go to vegas for spring brake/my 21st b-day....so with gas and food, that's like 1,500 or so... i think...
yeah, so feel free to donate money to me.. *grin* ...think of it as an early (or late!!) birthday present! (cuz you didn't get me a b-day present (yet!)....you big meanie! *cries*) lol i'm sure no one will.... but if, for some strange random reason, you are feeling generous today, please send checks of any amount to: May J*cob 9450 Gilman Drive. BOX 921328 La Jolla, CA 92092 [moved.] *ha ha, what a joke, right!?* well, at least i don't have pay-pal and a donate button!
i want to write, i want to sing...i want to act...i need to create... i have no time for anything i don't even have time to 'think' school is keeping me from my dreams... this conformist way of life is not for me. i'm a survivor, not a conformist... i got here by surviving, not conforming... i don't want to play by these mundane rules my soul is dying ----------------------------- here i go...surviving through another day holding in the pain it's getting harder to hold back the tears when will life be happy again? i want my family back...i want my brother back... i wish i could kidnap him... why can't i see him? it's not fair! ------------------- oh yeah, i remember now... i don't listen to music anymore for a reason! need to keep myself from thinking keep trying to live in the present not cry over the past...
sometimes it feels like there is a man with a giant pencil following me; erasing my past. why is home always disappearing? why must everything that i once loved disappear? my memories are almost becoming invalid. entire apartment structures that i have lived in have been torn down and replaced with businesses, all my favorite childhood toystores are obsolete...even the rollarskating rink in Morro Bay has gone out of business..it is now just an empty building.....the icecream parlor is gone, the playground is gone...people are gone...how will i ever get back to the past if everything i've known is gone? how will i ever get home?
i'm too emotionally scarred, i need to die and start over...
it's really fun to be 3 girls with boyfriends and go out on our own (without those boys)... it kinda feels like being five again, at a slumber party, but way better! we all agreed that sometimes it can even be more fun then hanging out with our boyfriends...girls need time together, away from boys... if you are a girl, remember that!! ....girlfriends (when you can actually find good ones...which is HARD) are the best thing in the world!
by the way, i died my hair pastel pink....looks real pink doesn't it?! $30 down the drain.... my hair will be red forever! help!
funnest girls in the world: Anna Starr Brittany Burks Cicely Andres Vera [insert russian last name here] Stephanie Shea Alishama Spencer Lisa Lee Joann Yatar and....besides the fact that she won't leave the house, Mia Beck could be.... we used to have fun....she used to be fun... but i think the aliens kidnapped her and replaced her with a normal boring person...*cries* Mia:..... *Ahemm!...* *hint...hint....HINT!* .......*hint??* nevermind....i give up.... but really, you can't even begin to understand what you are missing...
some random thoughts.... monday is my birthday...i'm too stressed out to even be excited. it's going to suck anyway.
do you know what it feels like to be a 'mexican', working as hard as you possible can, nearly braking your back, killing your body, all just for minimum wage? do you know what it feels like to be treated like less then a dog? do you know what it's like to be homeless without a family to run to? do you have any concept of what life is really like? no. i didn't think so.
when i decide to be president, people who own businesses will be required to split their profits fairly and almostly evenly between the workers. i don't like the idea of mr. fat supervisior going out to dinner with over a milllion dollars in the bank when everone who works for him is struggling just to make rent payments each month. not mention they will never be able to buy a house...also famous actors and singers are only going to get paid a normal salary....it's not fair for someone to get the funnest jobs and the most money! (don't worry, i will never be president...)
can you see through the pictures? can you read between the lines? are you able to see what's really inside of my mind?
it's after 5am....I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!! pleeeease!!!!! my paper is taking forever to write! only 21/2 more pages...it feels like 1000. *day dreams of sleep* *sleep? what's that? i think i vaguely remember that term from highschool...was it a vocabulary word?* lol. right now, i would love to make up imaginary quotes for my paper, like Mia does, but no, of course, this year in mmw, we have to have photocopies of all our quotes...thanks to the people like Mia, that did get caught! so i'll just blame Mia instead.... dammit Mia, it's all your fault! wirte my paper for me! *grin* please? i'll give you 30 cents...it's all i have... lol hahaha
sometimes i talk too much, usually i don't talk enough...how ever much i talk never seems to be the right amount. No one ever listens to me when i talk...they interupt me, they look around, they think about other things...i'm not quite sure if i even exist...maybe i'm invisible, and that's why they don't listen...riiiight.... when i was little i didn't talk much...i just watched everything, i listened and watched...then finally one day i decided to talk for a of couple years...and now i have decided that i was better off the first way...this past year i've been slowly talking less and less each day...there's no one around here worth talking to anyway...for the most part at least... i don't really like people that much. people are mean, cruel, selfish, self-absorbed, superficial, ignorant, uncultured, insensitive, and so on...yeah, maybe they are not all like that...but so many of them are that i'm starting to think only those kind of people exist....i think my mother raised me completely wrong...she should have never taught me to care about other people, to actually listen to them, to help them...it's totally pointless...people don't listen, why should i listen to them? why can't i be part of The Cherry Orchard...why can't i learn to be 100% self-absorbed like everyone else...? why can't i learn not to think about everything so much...why can't i just be naive like everyone else and be happy...? no one else realizes they are not being listened to...they don't even realize they are supposed to care, they are just happy to hear themselves talk....happy in their little bubbles...their little worlds...where is my little bubble? i want to be happy, too......i can't seem to find it...i don't even remember having one....even when i was 4...i was still aware of everything...still too aware...someone forgot to give me a bubble....i don't like to be on the outside world...it's cold and harsh out here....i want to have a bubble like you have...i want to be naive, i don't want to know pain, i don't want reality...i want to live in a little bubble and think that everything is fine.....
wow....that was really strange...i was just walking back from class, and i had to walk through a swarm of like 200-300 bees (or wasps!)...there was no way to really go around them, (without giving up my favorite shortcut!...) so i had to walk slowly through them!! luckily, i have still never been stung by a bee or wasp! i wonder if they were 'killer bees'..??....what were so many bees doing at my school??? very random.
my theory is that people with 'wierd' names like dasani and june are usually 'deeper' than those with common names like jennifer and michelle. why is this? because the people with 'weird' names got teased and made fun of when they were little, thus causing them to be emotionally damaged, which causes people to be deep. the people with normal names got accepted by the other kids and didn't get made fun of for their names...(now if your name is jennifer and you had glasses or curly hair, that's another story...) anyway, it seems like a lot of the people with 'weird' names made it into colleges like mine. in a class (well, 'section') of about 30 people, only about 3 of those people will have a 'common' name....it's really kind of strange! Some of my friend's names from ucsd; Mia, Cicely, Kian, Eden, Judiah, Mi, Vera...i don't even know a michelle or kate or stephanie here! i do know a jennifer, but she has curly hair, and anyone with curly hair most likely got made fun of when they were little too....but i guess i can't say that even half of this school is 'deep' ...so maybe my theory is that if you had a 'weird' name, you didn't have many friends were you were young and therefore learnned to do your homework...or something like that....there has to be some sort of connection! all the 'popular' girls in highschool, and even in kindergarden were always named michelle, and nicole, and jennifer...not too often was someone named "june" the popular girl! the people with common names seem to end up in community college, having fun! unlike people here...!! what's it like to have a common name? what's it like to know people that have the same name as you? that must be strange...i never can find anyone with my name! i've remotely heard of some, but that's about it...
so today i decided that since it's mardi gras, i had an excuse to dress like myself, aka: 'crazy,' even if other people at school were still gonna be dressed normal and boring. (which they were!) anyway, i've been scared to death of dressing like 'myself" lately because i'm sick of "prestigious" ucsd girls (un-prestigiously) shoting things at me and giving me dirty looks...but this year, or at least today, it didn't seem so bad....girls are stupid so they are going to hate me no matter what i wear, so i might as well at least have them hate me for who i really am! today i finally wore my hot pink boots (but with pants, not a skirt or shorts...i'm not that brave anymore! lol) and a see-through hot pink fishnet shirt with a small white top that i made, underneath. and dressed like this, *gasp* i actually made two 'friends"...it's a mirical! ...i mean i'll probably never see them again, and yes, of course they are boys (ick), but still, it was nice to be 'accepted' ...even if it was only by guys. when i was buying my ticket for the mardi gras party in price center, some guy came up to ma and started talking to me, he was like "wow, i've never seen you around before, where have you been? do you even go here?!" (believe me, i REALLY don't look like i belong at ucsd! lol) he actually made me feel like, for once, i was "the cool girl" ....because of my independent style....anyways and then i made friends with the guy selling tickets...weeee! people actually like me! (today, at least!) ...eeek, but i don't remember their names, oh well. see 'rough draft quality' pix of my outfit today...
yeah, so i posted some messages on some fosterparents-website messageboard....(cuz i was in foster homes for like 7 years, [if you didn't know that already from reading my Bio page])...anyway, apparently my complaints about my foster parents giving me pic-n-save pencils for christmas and not buying fresh fruits and vegtables were too much for them to handle!! they blocked me off the boards! i can't even make a new account!! hahaha! what a sad, sad world! i sure do LOVE the amount of free speech we have these days...! it's funny that a site dedicated to 'helping' children would want to SHUT a child like me UP! (yes, i'm still a child...)
silence the children! we know what is best! don't tell the truth! just shut the f**k up!
yeah, they always want us to shut up. they always think that they know best...that stupid system....those stupid people! ...But, there are a FEW good people out there. here is an email from a "nice person" who saw me post on the boards : Dearest May Star, My heart goes out to you and to all children who have had a bad experience with foster care. We have been foster parents for a little over a year now and am always apalled when we here of how the system takes children from their homes to only allow them more abuse. I have a challenge for you: Speak up, YOU are a voice in a system that NEEDS YO BE HEARD!!! You are Gods child and the last thing He would ever want is for you to be mistreated... I will be there for you, I will encourage you in anyway I can, I wll pray for you. Stand up sweet May Star and be heard, you have more in front of you then behind you.... Prayers & Support, TXXXXXXXX (named blocked for privacy) Ironically, after recieving this email, i was banned from the message boards.....ha ha ha. my voice is silenced, once again.
check out the new pop-up window pages! (over on the left-hand side in the "links" section): 'fanmail', 'custom webdesign', and 'rough draft poem'...(the poem is old and stupid, but the pop up window is new!) go over there and click on those links.....what do you think? do they work okay? any problems? let me know! ! ! also, remember, you can make the pages scroll by pushing on the black arrows....
okay so finals are in two weeks, and i am SO behind!! this is what i need to read/do by (or before) then: write 8 page paper for THHS12 history write 8-10 page paper for MMW read 750 pages for MMW ! ! ! read 200 pages for statistics read about 300 pages for THHS12 yay!! fun. when reading school stuff i read about 6pgs per hour...i'll never catch up!
...this is REALLY pissing me off!!...: people keep using my designs for their blogs, and then i'll see their blogs and it will say like "kaykat designs" or something in place of my link...it's like ummmmm NO, you did NOT design that!!! sometimes they'll change the backgound and the colors and maybe the size or position of a table: but NO, they STILL did NOT design it! they modified it! it takes like 2mins to an hour or so. NOT 40 hours+ !!!grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i'm going to kill them all! i think i'll just go delete all my skins off blogskins....if someone wants to use my designs they'll have to go through me......errr, UNGRATEFUL stupid people!!! other designers charge like $200, and i stupidly design for FREE, only to have my designs 'stolen' from me...yay. another thing that makes me mad is that i spent like 8 hours helping someone with their blog, designing it just like they requested, and within a week they changed their blog to another one that i had already made, and deleted all the work i put into the old one!!!! that's it!! i've had it! i will not help anyone anymore!!!! i don't mind getting bad grades at UCSD if i'm helping someone, but if they are going to erase all my help then it's just NOT worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay, so today was a wasted day! i actaully woke up this time and went to my classes, but the first one was cancled and the second one was only 20 min.s long, then i had to wait all day for my doctor's appointment and now i have to go back on monday to get the bloodtest thing. yay. someone please tell my mom to stop asking me for money. i don't have a job. she gets more money a month then i have left for the year. it's not my fault if she buys presents for everyone and then has no money to eat or to live somewhere. i already paid $1000 to help her move....and now she's not even there anymore. she keeps asking for money, she doesn't seem to get that i'm the child, i need money, she needs to re-learn how to be responsible with the little money she does have. true $600/month is not enough to live off of, but it could at least keep her from being homeless if she'd live on a budget like she used to. if my roomate doesn't stop singing and playing her stupid accoustic guitar i'm going to kill her! she sounds like racheal, i HATE racheal, i don't want to have to hear racheal's ugly voice coming from yet another person!
