if you would like to receive updates like these, go to the updates.html page <----- see that moving box over there? click on it!
if you are viewing my site in a normal boring popup window, please note that i installed a back button so that your window won't be lost when you subscribe, you can just push back twice to get back to this page. one day i will install better pop ups! ....hehe ....i have the code *somewhere* i just don't know if it will work....
last night i had a horrible nightmare that my mom died ... that somehow my aunt and people were responsible for killing her...it was such a horrible dream...i thought it was real...it was really nice when i finally woke up from it!...but who knows, maybe that means she's going to die...she has been stuck homeless in las vegas for 2 weeks now....
EDC was kinda fun...not as fun as other raves i've been too, but still better than TJ and stuff. We went with a really nice girl named Mari (pronouced 'Madi'). Chris had the flu so he didn't dance much. I went on only about 4 of the 5 or 6 rides thay had. Mari was really nice and bought us lemonade... It was really really hot when we got there at like 5 or 6pm ...so it really sucked at first...but it got better later....the only problem was that i sliced my foot open earlier that day, and the shoes i wore were REALLY hurting my feet...even more than the platform boots that i decided not to wear...anyway, so i couldn't take my shoes off because of my cut foot...i TRIED, but it hurt too much! towards the end of the night, two beautiful blonde faries/pixies came up to me and danced with me and adopted me. we went around everywhere togther and people kept taking pictures of us. we went on a ride together too! i love my faries! too bad they don't live close to me... they seem like perfect friends. i also finally met some of the people from ck.net...yoshi made me candy (a bracelet) with my name on it! : )
it's really sad...the rave scene is dying...i notice it more and more each time i go to a party ....it makes sense though....i am the youngest of the real rave genration, of the first candy kids.... the people that are younger than i am, not all of them, but a lot of them, who wear candy and stuff, just don't seem to get what the scene is really about.... they just want "the look" ...to look like a "raver" ... but they ignore the principles that used to go with being a candy kid, like PLUR and stuff.... (peace, love, unity, and respect).... the younger kids seem to be more into drugs and stuff...oh well. nothing ever lasts forever...or even 'long enough' ....
on another note.... thanks a lot to "feddie" for the $40 he sent me for the blog design i did for him. it's really nice to actually get paid on time!! (or to get paid at all!) haha
okay, so thanks to the new blogger, my comments are not working for me and a few other people, if you can access my comments, it's only because you're lucky... haha
but at least all my email addresses are working. finally! (note: i no longer use hotmail, although, if you are forced to use free email programs, i think hotmail is the best....i have reasons)
and why is it that my powow site only works sometimes? grrr... i'm too busy to switch all my designs over to this site...
weeeeeee! i just recieved my first cash payment for web-design, ever!!! from something i did a few months ago! lol. thanks so much to Chris Tremain of Tremain Real Estate!! (Sorry guys, if you wanna see the page that i designed, you need to buy some property in New Zealand...but hey! if you have that kinda money, go buy some and see my design!! lol) anyway, i got $100 credited to my bank account (minus a $10 wire fee! grrr! stupid greedy bank!!!!! i hate you washington mutual! you theif!) and i just recieved the notice today!!!..... that only leaves about 5 people who owe me money! lol. but 3 of them are not late in paying....and one i fear will never pay....
anway, now i'm rich! now i can buy.... oh wait. i'm not rich .... now i can pay part of my $800 rent on time ... i hope ... lol
i went dancing in tj last night, and it was HORRIBLE!
the night started out fine, sporadically leaving to go there at 12:30am with cicely and her friend... we got to tj and i drank enough to mildly cover up the fact that the music sucks --- it's hip hop or whatever you wanna call it -- stuff that should be left at junior high dances. anyway so i got them to play rave music upstairs for awhile, no one was really upstairs but us, (downstairs their was some slutty girls contest or so,) but of couse cicely and the other girl didn't like "rave" music...
anyway, when the music downstairs came back on, we danced down there. and that's when things became horrible. no we didn't get kidnapped or anything. nothing wrong with the mexicans...it was the americans that made tj horrible... millions and thousands of guys kept coming up and trying to dance with us. the girls didn't seem to mind too much, at least when it was what they drunkinly thought was a cute guy. but i did mind: guys. sticky, sweaty guys. everywhere. touching me, pushing on me, getting to close, smothering me, taking up my air, taking up my space to dance. hands. sticky, sweaty, dirty hands. touching. touching my skin. and on and on and on. i'd run away from one guy and then another guy would capture me and try to dance with me. i felt like i was spiraling down into hell, or something. finally i got so sick of it that i just went and sat down on a chair. i wanted to take a bath in bleach.
as if that wasn't bad enough, i went into the bathroom with cicely and she starts splashing mexican tap-water all over me! not that i have anything against mexico's water, but americans are not immune to it, and there are "flukes" in the water or something. ...yeah, so druken cicely gets water IN MY EYES, and if that wasn't bad enough by itself, it makes the glue on my false eyelashes start to come off, so i had to rip off my fake eyelashes! than cicely attempts to order and then drink a glass of mexico water, and i'm trying to tell her that she can't drink that water, and she pours the water all over me and the other girl (yes, it was in fun, but some people don't want to be drenched in mexican tap water). then etc, etc, and we leave. the line to get out of TJ is longer than it has ever been. ever. evn longer than right after 9-11!!! and we are inline with some guys they picked up, who are parked right next to us....everyone else in line is an adult, mostly mexican. quietly, peacefully, waiting in that awful long line. but of course the people we are in line with, those boys, are being loud druken idiots, totally making america look bad. i mean, reverse the situation, so that you might be able to understand better, think of a bunch of "classy" rich white people in line, all quite and calm, and then there are like 5 dark skinned drunk mexicans in that line, being all loud and stuff....if you were one of those snobby white people in line, you would make the assumption that all mexicans are like that: drunken, loud, annoying, animal-like. well, that's what the mexicans in line were thinking of us. it was so embarressing. i apologized to a few of the mexicans for what looked like "my" group of friends...because you could tell that the mexicans were really annoyed with the white savages that come to their country, make a HUGE mess, disrespect their country, and then are really loud and animal-like... but anyway, the guys were really annoying to me too, and they just wouldn't shut up, and then on top of that, darling cicely was being a loud drunken idiot, so i had to make sure that she wouldn't get arrested, and so on. and then cicely bit my arm!! and it was stinging, she broke the skin -- it wasn't like a normal bite, it was some kind of weird bite that hurt really really bad....it made like a bruise mark instantly...i still have a big hicky-like mark on my arm today.... etc, etc, i tried to stop a fight that the guys were getting into, and it was working, except for the only way to keep the boys from fighting was to let one of them hit on me, and i finally got fed up with that and me and cicely took off our shoes and just ran halfway to the car --- i couldn't stand anymore of those boys! cicely's friend and the boy she had adopted followed close behind.... when we got to the car, i had to drive -- because obviously i was the most sober, but i knew that none of us should be driving and i didn't want to get a DUI....besides i barely even know how to drive .... anyway, i drove slow on the freeway and tried to stay way behind/away from other cars...and got us home safely ....(oh yeah, and we passed where those boys had been walking, and they were gone, and about 5 police cars were in there place....) ....the end. the moral of the story: drunk people are idiots, and cicely, you are already crazy enough, and you shouldn't drink!!! ((and you bit me!!!! grrrrrr!))
people really need to learn about copyright! grrr! anyone notice that ever since google bought blogger, and increasing number of young rude ignorant people have gotten blogs ...? even worse, they are all on blogskins. soon i will abandon blogskins, and get all the codes and everything on to my own site.... i think that i will also never make another free template... people are just too inconsiderate of other's hardwork and rights. especially those people who get things for free...
i have to wear sunglasses inside my house---when on the computer, because the sun is in my eyes....and i don't want to close the blinds!! (even when i do close the blinds, it doesn't help!!) hahaha it's HORRIBLE, and even with the glasses the sun is still too bright!
oh, by the way, i forgot to tell you guys, (as Cicely pointed out to me today when she came over), i dyed my hair a week or two ago...it's bleach blonde again... i think it's my favorite hair color ... i mean, yeah, i love having red hair, blue hair and so on, but 1) it's alot of money to keep it up ($19 per bottle of dye) and it i wanted it to look "perfect" i'd have to NEVER wash my hair, or dye it like once a week. and 2) it limits what clothes and makeup i can wear and 3) i have to get a job.
yes, mr. webdesigner guy that hired me hasn't given me any work, so that leaves me 100% broke, esp. now that my savings account it empty - due to this new apartment, and unlike most people, i have no mommy and daddy to ask money for.
in fact, at this moment my mom is stranded in las vegas. she got all her stuff stolen. again. her IDs, her everything. (someone stole her baggage check at the hotel she was in, and they went and stole all her stuff!!!) on top of that she is homeless again. she gets social security money every month, so she has to wait a few weeks to get that. and she only gets $600 per month total, so she can't really afford to live anywhere....
i don't know what i'm supposed to do....it's too stressing....does someone want to adopt my mom? i just can't handle this anymore...
awww how sweet! someone took the time to write (or copy and paste) "YOU SUCK" into my questbook a million times in a row.
you know what i have to say to that? "delete."
hahahahahhaha
UPDATE: the same stalker left a comment on this post! it seems like they are trying to pretend to be someone else! LOL it's the first comment, read it. does she not know that comments give her IP address...?
should i email roadrunner for "abuse" ? and get the person in trouble for harrasement? LOL
whoever hates me for no reason, always spams my questbook from IP addresses that are all really similar ...
and to the spammer: GET A LIFE DUDE! really. get a life. get off the computer! go have some fun! go OUTSIDE. go play! go eat some cherries! i'll send you some if you want! you have no valid reason to hate me. you don't even have any reasons to be jealous. and if you think you do have a valid reason to hate me, at least say what it is!
the only person that i have ever tortured in such a way, although now i see that it is an innefective form of tourture, is rachel in colorado, the little slut that kissed my boyfriend... it was completely valid for me to send her hate mail. lol
wow. i'm so happy! ...i LOVE fruit ...and i just found Henry's market...i got 3 pounds of peaches for $1 and another 3 pounds of nectrines for $1 !!! and this is like really high quality (maybe organic?) fruit!!!
compare to 3 pounds of peaches at the farmer's market = $6 !!! and ralphs would be $3-$9 !!!
see? it's a miricle!! oooh and i also got almost 3 pounds of cherries for less than $3!! weeeeeeeeee!
weeeeee! i'm having such a good day! (for once!!) chris and i went skating in our new neighborhood. i haven't lived in a real neighborhood for so so so long...it's SO wonderful! (skating = i wore my rollerskates, chris rode my skateboard...) ...if you are depressed, go buy some rollerskates and go outside...it's really really fun! i haven't had that much fun in at least 6 months ....yeah, i need to get out more ... lol
dude. my computer EATS things! more than half my web designs are missing and over 3000 mp3s.... ??? oh well * lol i guess it was hungry
i've been on the computer doing "work" for 14 hours now. going to get paid $20...(and i'm not done!) dude, i'm gonna go get a slave labor job! i'd make like at least $40!
once again, people are so stupid!!! * pulls out hair! *
oh, and 'email account', stop being slow! work dammit! i hate you too! if you don't hurry up, i'll kill you! (seriously, it's taking like 20+ min.s every time i try to open an email/reply/whatever.) so for now, send email to maby@earthlink.net
oh, and if you've come here about your image on the templates American Martini or Water Fairy, please read the 6/21/2003 3:52:58 AM post. [when you follow the instructions on the image i made appear on your blog, it will go away. (you might have to push refresh) comprende? you law-braking people!]
why do i always end up choosing the worst people for best friends? they always turn out to be vain selfish sluts that don't care about anything or anyone but themsleves; they steal, they cheat in school, they cheat on their boyfriends, they don't listen to people, they KISS UP to teachers and adults so much that it makes me sick (this includes flirting with old older men), they betray you, and on top of that, they believe themselves to be god-like: smarter than all other people, beautiful, sweet, soft, and so on. they think that they are better than everyone at everything they do, when really they suck, (especially at doing other people's makeup. hee hee).
and this isn't your typical "oh i'm a hardcore theif" kinda girl. no. this is the kind that looks sweet and happy and innocent, when really she's no different than my stepmom! (my stepmom was my mom's BEST friend that stole my mom's husband while my mom was sick in bed for almost a year...which is why i basically have no dad, and why my mom is so sad all the time)...
although, before i was magically drawn to this kind of girl for a best friend, i did seem to end up with slutty, "gothic"/whatever it's called type girls. it's funny, i have this picture taken on a normal day at school (sorry my scanner is broken), in 10th grade, where i'm all blonde golden hair, tiara, white shirt with "sweet heart" on it, with a pink skirt, white adidas shoes, and a white feather boa, AND THEN my friend is next to me, all white skin, black hair, black trenchcoat, black clothes...it's like such and angel/devil picture, only it wasn't intented. i didn't even realize that i didn't fit in with this type of people. i mean, i knew that i didn't do drugs or have sex, or anything like them, but i still thought i fit in with them. now i realize that i don't fit in anywhere.
can someone please tell me how to find GOOD friends? lately (AKA for 5 years) i've been decieved into thinking people were good people when they were far from it.
you guys are all looking for boyfriends when i'm just looking for a friend. if i could make a perfect friend, this is what they'd be like: (i know, i'm dreaming) * a girl * never done drugs * very very understanding * FUN * LOVES to dance * funny * good listener * keeps secrets, doesn't betray people * weighs about 130lbs ( i don't want to feel fatter or skinner than her) * is about 5'5" (that way we can wear platforms and go dancing and be about the same height) * cheated on their boyfriends a few times, but realized it was wrong so stopped. * believes in Jesus/God but doesn't get all "over christian" * drinks ONLY sometimes, just because it's fun. * is confident * is average - pretty looking, but isn't full of herself * has a boyfriend, but is not dependent on him * can act 5 with me and rollarskate/climb trees * is NOT shallow * doesn't steal * doesn't lie * doesn't already have a best friend * doesn't have any emotional problems * isn't rich * isn't too poor * has a job, maybe etc, etc, etc...i could go on forever. the closest people that fit this description are Anna and Brittany. Only i think that Brittany might be too shallow, which sucks because she is really fun (i say shallow because: she couldn't understand WHY our friend was CRYING when his girlfriend's mom DIED. she said "If my boyfriend's mom died, i might be sad, but i wouldn't CRY." after she said that, i almost never wanted to talk to her again...how could someone NOT understand that?? Brittany are you reading this? No, you probably are too busy to read this. let me know if you do read this.) but i think that Brittany could easily become a real person, she's somewhere in the middle...stuck between rich orange county airhead and understanding real person. But i'm not going to try to change anyone else. i'm done with that~
And Anna is really cool except that i just don't think we'll ever be that close. she has two best friends already, and i just don't think that we 100% connect. i'm maybe too 'different' for her.
no...i can only seem to connect with manipulators....people that try to make me think we connect...YAY.
so anyone want to tell me how to get a best friend??? (other than my boyfriend...)
okay, one more time, and this is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but this is NOT A HELP SITE! i have spent 6 months straight of my life, ruining my complexion, my health, not sleeping, NOT HAVING ANY FUN EITHER, etc, to make you over 100 free web templates that are each WORTH $200-$400 in LABOR at the rate of $10 per hour. but you get them for FREE. i spent a 20-40 work week working on each template (which is why i got no sleep for like six months!), so asking me for help, is REALLY REALLY rude!!! there are plenty of help sites out there to answer your questions. if you are having problems downloading a skin, keep trying, it's just you! i download ALL my skins to test, they ALL work. if you need help with other things, try looking online for help sites, or try www.blogger.com, ANYTHING that i could possibly help you with, i would just have to look up myself! and everything i know, i've learned from th web. don't be lazy, search for stuff your self! my time is just as valuable as yours! i'm REALLY sick of answering 6 hours worth or "help emails" a day...it makes me not even want to check my email! and i especially hate how i can't even READ some of your emails!! every email you write to someone you don't know should be written in clear proper English. i get a lot of emails like this: cAn U pwEaSe hEWLp mE wiDth mA wEbBiE, but worse!! here are some direct quotes: "a lot of ur blog skins... erm... i juz need help for sth, hope you will help me" now what is sth ??? the girl says it twice....how can i even help her if i don't know what she's talking about?? how about this "hie.. thankx a million.. wow.. u're really gd at this.. =) " is it REALLY that hard to spell out "good" ? they also used this spelling twice, and hi and thanx (or thanks) are spelled wrong. and "u're" ? oh that is so annoying!
"hi!! wld like to ask u some questions abt the blog "soft Punk stars".. how do u make the links on the left appear in a way that there's only one for each line?? and how do u make the archives?? as in wad do u type to put all the dates" okay: "wld" and "wad" and "u" and "abt" are NOT WORDS!
and i swear, i've gotten worse emails, ones that i REALLY couldn't understand...but i can't seem to find one...i'm searching through over 600 help emails...
if i sent these emails to my theatre history TA, Ashley, she would KILL you guys! lol
dude! people from Germany can even speak better English than you guys!! it's also REALLY annoying wHeN yOu TyPe LiKe tHiS tHrOuGhOuT yOuR wHoLe bLoG oR eMaiL. one word or so like that is cute, like the catalog for Delia's, but an entire blog (or email)? it's impossible and annoying to read, and only the people who write like that like that style of writing...everyone else thinks "oh this was written by a shallow little 12-14 year old girl" which maybe you are, but do you need to prove that in your writing skills? and i swear these are not just my opinions. many many people HATE people that write like that. The 17 year old owner of Lipstickparty.com is one of them. in fact, i bet you she rejects people who write like that!
Here's an example of a (REAL) CORRECT email: Hello :) I'd like to have the codes for Wonder Woman layout... here's the url: http://www.powow.com/maystars/ww.html You've got amazing layouts, congrats. Peace, Paula.
see? that is how we write an email when we want to get something, or when we are writing to someone other than our best friend. see how much easier it is for the reader to understand? read up on "Netiquette" ...there are plenty of things written telling you how to be polite on the internet. these aren't just my rules.
i'm sorry if i seem mean, but you guys really need to learn this stuff! i don't care if you are only 13! you still should be able to be polite!
OH. and also, DO NOT DIRECT LINK to ANY picture on the net! it's illegal and it costs people money. and all you little brats that are linking to my pictures on angelfire, i have the ability to CHANGE the picture on YOUR blog to something REALLY ugly...anything i want. in fact, i think i'll go do some right now! then maybe you will learn not to direct link!! *evil laugh* (okay, i won't put up a picture too evil....no porn...although i COULD...i do have that power...lol) i've lost 3+ accounts due to people direct linking to my images. at the moment there are about 1000+ people direct linking to my images...i'm too lazy to change ALL of them...
and do not steal pictures off of people's website's unless they tell you that you can! especially part of their design that THEY MADE themselves!! that is just BEYOND rude! xoxo
ok...so i'm aware that my background image takes forever to load...it just makes me hate the internet even more...i think there should be ONE connection speed (fast of course), ONE browser size, ONE browser type & version, and ONE text size. AKA IE 6 1024 X whatever res. the fact that everything can change so much (even the css text size in netscape!), is a designers nightmare....it really leaves us with no other option than to design very blank, boring, near imageless designs...(unlike this one)
when i am the dictator of america (LOL), i'm going to abolish all other browsers, and make IE 30 times as fast, and everyone is going to get free DSL and free internet. while i'm at it, i'm going to put all the books in the world online so that the internet can actaully have some accurate info, (and it will be easier to quote people when doing essays). how many people would kill me if i was dictator of your country? lol (it's too hard to make anything really change if you are only president....)
i now have a super slow internet connction (aka dial up) .... so i won't be on here as much (thank god!) lol. also, i think that it might be costing me 5 cents a minute in phone bill charges....there were only two san diego numbers to dial up from....and if they are not within 17 miles of me or so, i get charged....eek!
also, i'm doing web design as a summer job...so anyone who needs some html work done, email me...prices are on the custom page, but i'm raising some of them soon, so hurry if you want me to still work for 50 cents an hour!!!!
oh yeah, and i'll post pix of my new apartment/furniture when ever i get time to take some...and i still need to finish organizing everything.... this sucks...it's summer but i still feel like time is flying by waaaay too fast and there is too much to do :(
i have NO desire whatsoever to be on this stupid computer....i almost wish that i didn't have so many web design jobs to do... :( i think i'd almost rather work at starbucks...i'm so so sick of being so underpaid....but there is one job that i MIGHT get for $1000---but i really really doubt it will work out ---but that is what a website is really worth---at least in the labor creating it, maybe not the finished product. ....that averages out to about min. wage....or maybe less...
oh my god!!!! there IS a god!!!!!!! i got an A- in my physics class ----and an 84 on the final!!!!! yes, this is the final that i was late to, the one i didn't get to study for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean, yes it was curved, but still...an A- !? that's a miricle! i don't know what my other grades are yet.... see my physics grades here, i'm # 260
i hope you're happy Mia...you left my closet open after moving out your stuff or whatever, and you let the cat in, so it ruined my $40 purse that i've been working on gluing stuff to for a month now.....it's all dirty and stufff....you know i don't let the cat in my closet! i had put the purse in there to keep it away from the cat...
ahhh! i did it again! i was late to another final...this is not going so well...lol...i didn't get to study for that one either.... *cries* i'm having an extremely bad/stressing day. oh well, at least school's over.
i just failed a class...i meant to take a 'nap' at 7am this morning, and then to wake up and study...but i was so tired from not sleeping for days, that i didn't wake up until almost 12:00 noon....so i was LATE to my final, and i also didn't get to study... *cries*
i'm focusing all my creative energy in the wrong places. this website is nothing but a curse. a ball and chain. the internet sucks. i want to stop updating, want to stop thinking of stupid html designs....but i can't ...it's horrible! oh someone please make it stop! lol
why are asians stereotyped as so "neat and clean" when my asain roomates NEVER vaccuum their room, leave hair all over the bathroom, leave dishes in the sink, and most importantly RUIN ALL MY PANS, and my MICROWAVE....yep, that's all the stuff that i would let them use, and they ruined all of it...complete trash. rusted, burnt, stanied, stractched, filthy. yuck. my asians are broken! [a joke....read the end of the play los vendidos by valdez and campesino] i think lisa will be my only girl asian now, oh and grace : ) too. i HATE roomates...they ruin evrything! two years ago i started off with $1000 worth of stuff, a blander, microwave, cups, etc...now all i have left is the ruined pand and microwave...my tea kettle and my cookie sheets were stolen. ALL my glasses and mugs were broken (but it's okay, i bought chris like 30 for his birthday! lol), my blender was torn apart and so on...
and not to mention that roomates have stolen my clothes, my promdresses, my bathingsuits, and yes, even my favorite underwear...*eep!* the list goes on and on.
i feel like i can't even write anything anymore...not only are pictures and designs stolen, but ideas and dreams, even goals are stolen... putting something on the internet is like leaving your keys in the ignition with the door open while you go on vaccation with a sign on your car that says "be back in a few months" ...in otherwords, even people that normally don't steal are tempted to, and do steal. it really sucks. i guess the only solution would be a contentless, designless website...which would be nothing....yay.
san diego children, do dancing! club fusion ...it's an under 21 club...ages highschool and college. although i recommend mexico to people 18 and up...but only if you are calm...lol
dude! i just won't have a shower curtain then! lol so me and chris wanted to get a transparent pretty white cloth shower curtain with a clear liner and silver hooks. well, hooks are $15-$20, the liners are $5-15, and the curtains are $25-$60 !!!!!! and since we have an old bathtub, we need 2 shower curtains...to go all the way around....so times all those numbers by two!!!! that is insane!!! children, next time you see your parents, make sure to thank them for buying shower curtains! lol
i added links to the floating stars on the main page, they now go to my mp3 page....that was my first time ever editing javascript and getting it to work! trial and error. just like html. haha ( i can't get them to open a popup window though ....)
ok so i'm still TRYING to feel "flattered" when people steal my pictures...but it doesn't work! not like anyone seems to care or anything, but since all my designs, pictures, and content is copyrighted, you are braking the law when you steal them... if you want to use a picture of me, just ASK. lol. why steal when you can ask?
anyone know how to make a pop up window work from another pop up window? aka, open into a new, sized pop up window? does this even exist? because if you are using my "boring type window" choice, certain windows are supposed to pop up, and they don't...i mean, i knew it was happening, i planned for it, that's why there is a back button, but i'd rather it not happen.... my comments popup...but i don't really want to try to figure out that code.... any help? is this site EVER going to be done?
(this post is from 5:47am but blogger was broken...) okay, it's hopeless. i've turned off my computer 3 times in the last few hours TRYING to study for finals, but i keep thinking of things that i want to write down, although i've repressed most of them. but now, i'm going to write. a book. lol
first, i want to say thank you for all the sweet comments and emails that i've gotten from you guys lately. they mean a lot ! <3 <3 and if you've written me an email within the last few days, i'll try to write you back in a week. if i don't, please remind me....sometimes it's hard to remember which emails i've responded to, and which ones i've only read.
another thing on my mind: this is part of a comment from 'Chablis' : "My advice to you would be to create some sort of portfolio for your designs and keep them seperate from your rants and raves in your blog. You're *very* talented, but also experiencing a lot of problems that potential employers would be a bit hesitant to hire you for a project." This is good advice, BUT it bothers me. a lot. i don't want to seperate the pieces of myself out. if people can't except me for who i am, for what i feel, for what i go through, then i don't want their bussiness! i want to be a whole person, i don't want to just be a coldhearted bussiness[man]. in fact, the only reason that i even have a "custom" design page is so that i could stop myself from spending 90+ hours a week making custom designs for free, and helping people. i used to get 20 emails per day all asking for help....and i helped all of them, without a dime. when i put up the custom page, it worked, and many people stopped emailing me for help. now i only spend about 4 hours a day helping people. and my custom designs are not priced right at all! i though, oh, i'll be nice, i'll set my prices lower than anyone else on the web ....but that means that i do custom blogs for about 50 cents and hour!!!!!!! that's insane! i think i need to get a job in a sweatshop! i'll get paid more! also, i have it set at $100 for a full website...was i CRAZY???? a full website can take weeks! I'm about to work on four websites for someone, that's $400, and i know, you're thinking "wow! money!" but i'm thinking, i'd make $400 in one week at mcdonalds. and this $400 is going to take me weeks, even months to make....one bit of good news though, is that Kapil (my webhost) is trying to get me a job to design someone's site for $1000 ! now that's more like it! lol that's about 3 weeks of working at mcdonalds and about 3-8 weeks of web-design, it might even out to a min. wage job instead of lower than slave labor! the only thing is, i'm terrified! i'm not that good!! i can't make something that is worth $1000 !! maybe in the time i spend, but not in quality!
anyway, as i was saying, if i'm going to have a seperate site for my designs, then i might as well make seperate sites for every side of me---i could be a raver on one site, a "punker" on another site, a singer on another, a 'suicidal' 'emo' person on another, and so on...and then i would have to stay in character---only show that side of me, and then it wouldn't really be me---if i had a seperate site for my designs, it would be the same thing, it wouldn't really be me, it would be like being at a constant job interview, and my designs might get less and less creative and colorful. i just couldn't do it. my designs are a part of me. this is not a design site, this is my site and the designs are mine. does this make sense to anyone other than me? and yes, i know, i've blown the comment entirely out of proportion, but this is just what it made me think. i will not conform. i will not become just another soul-less design site! if people want to use my designs or be my customer, they have to deal with me. lol and no matter what "problems" i'm going through, or whatever, it's not going to affect the rate at which i do my custom designs, in fact, if the people who want to hire me REALLY read my journal, they will learn that stress and problems make me run to my computer, which means i'd get my work done faster-----lol...every time i'm overwhelmed by homework, i make thousands of free designs.....
on yet another note, you know how i was *hired* by a real company? well, i haven't heard from them since. not in a bussiness sor of way at least. and i really don't have time to see what's up with that right now, i have FINALS ...lol ...i don't even get to enjoy the first few days of my new apartment! i'm stuck here, while chris moves my stuff in for me :(
anyway, we got the keys to our very first aparment today! it's so neat to have your own place! no roomates, no strangers, no parents.... this apartment is beyond cool...it was made in the 1890's, so it's really different...there are beds that pull out from the bottoms of cabinents, the bathtub is clawfooted, th bathroom, closet, and OUTSIDE halls all have windows that open into somee kind of place that's inside, but kinda outside...there is skylight and air, but it's enclosed! we have a fire escape and balcony on our floor! (i already climbed up it! hehe ...but not all the way to the roof...yet) there is a mirror and drawers in our closet. the kitchen has glass cabinates, and no room for a refridgerator....ummm, so that's a bad thing, it has to go in the living room, but just pretend i didn't tell you! lol there's a lot of outside light in it, the ceilings are nice and high, there are sliding doors on our bedroom that go to the livingroom which we can leave open to make everything look more open, bigger, and brighter. you can close all the doors so that people who come to the front door can't see ANY bit of our apt. at all. just a small enterance area. and from there, they have 4 choices of doors, they can go into out bedroom, take a bath, get some food from the livingroom (lol...you know, the fridge is in there...), or steal things from our huge storage/coat closet. lol. everything about it is just so neat!!! if you were 5, you'd understand! lol. i still have to do some more exploring outside....i already found a few balconies and a "magic" door. i love old buildings! this is the kind of place that you'd expect to find secret passageways in! lol. and it's an "indoor" apartment complex, 99% enclosed, and when you go in through the main door, it looks like you are going into old fashioned college dorms or something---the windows open, there are balconies with chairs, we have cute little indoor mailboxes....there are only about 20 apartments in the whole 3-story building. maybe i'll take pictures of everything where i get it all set up...but for now, i have to worry about stupid finals and i don't even get to move in yet! grrrr! it's also in a very creative part of san diego ---hillcrest, a very artsy area with fun stores and resterants and gay guys galore. lol....oh and we have those old fashioned keyholes on all the inner doors! (no keys though)...if i was younger, i could have so much more fun with this place! well, you've made it to the end of the book! yay! you are most likely the only one! i'm going to study for finals now....or try.
i'm going to start singing again--i think--it's been a year--i'm going to have time now...finally. i also was thinking about becoming a singer for "rave" music on the side...does ANYONE know how to do that??? i also want to be one of those rave go-go dancers...and let's see...anything else that takes up my weekend nights....lol yeah, so i guess that means i need to re-learn how to dance and practice singing--i haven't done that in awhile....in like 5 years--- lol ---i'm not joking!!! the songs that i have on mp3.com that i recorded last year, had no practice...they were just recorded...which is possibly why they suck so bad! lol....in 8th grade ---AKA 1998 or so, i used to sing all the time and at one point got my voice to sound like *gwen* ....but that is long gone...
i just looked in the mirror for the first time in weeks....i look awful! my skin has never been this bad in my life! and i've gained like 20lbs! lol i think i'm going to die soon! lol....i'm just falling apart in everyway. i highly advise people *not* to do webdesign---lol. it eventually tries to take over your life....anyway, so i'm writing to say that i won't be writing for a week....knowing me i will write...but i'm gonna to try not to...i need to get off this computer! i haven't slept in 48+ hours. goodnight.
i've been drowning out my problems and my homework by being on the computer all day. go to the picture page, there's a neat little picture thingy...(um, yeah it took like 6 hours+ to resize all 70 pictures....) also, if you are coming in from the main page, like you are supposed to, *ahem!*, then you will have noticed that the font page has a diff. image, it will be changing a lot.... ooooh and did you see my little mouse over link things? they took forever!! thanks to the conbined efforts of the suckiness of netscape and also gif files, i spent all day trying to get those thigs to look right and be in the right spot!
i just noticed that i look like about 10 seperate people in my pictures! lol
but i'm still in tears. just everthing is so sad. i can't get back to where i want to be. the years keep going by....and nothing. it's been two years since i've been "free" ..yet i still feel trapped. i still have nothing acomplished. my dreams are slipping though my fingers. my soul is dying. i am becoming nothing. hope is gone. it's too late. everything is too different to be the same. i wish there was someone who could actually understand me. this is the closest i've ever been to 'real' depression (being sad "without" a reason) ....yet there still are reasons, things may seem good on the outside, but on the inside i'm torn apart. to pieces. i remember being 5 years old like it was yesterday....i remember everything....ans somehow i think that i'm going to get to go back oneday....back in time with my mom...back to being happy....back to being me....back to my old mother that no longer exists....and my cat....and my home......home....i want to go home....i want my mommy....the old mommy...before everything was ruined....and i want to see my brother again...i haven't seen him in almost 5 years...and when i finally get to him, he won't be the same....nothing will ever be the same again....he already barely remembers me.....they broke our 'bond'.....and my mother has gone crazy from all of everything we've been through...she's not the smae anymore...the family that i'm looking for doesn't exist anymore....everything i want doesn't exist anymore. when will this pain ever end? when can i breathe again? when will this nightmare be over? i tryed so hard to 'be good' so that i would get to go home.....and they never let me.....it was all for nothing...i should've run away....i'm so stupid...and now there's nothing to hope for...it's over, but it's not. i'm stuck in the middle somewhere. they ruined me. i'm slowly dying, i have no ambition, no reason for anything anymore....just push on and on...not going anywhere, just surviving.....just barely hanging on....my thread is wearing thin....going to brake soon.....going to brake soon.
okay, okay, i know, i know.....i'm sorry.....i made two more designs....didn't sleep all night...only have a few hours left to do my homework...didn't even bleach my hair like i wanted to...didn't work on my *own* site, which still isn't done.....
chris and i put in our first application for an apartment a few days ago....we had to pay $30 for the credit check. i'm going to be sooooo stressed out if we don't get it! i really want this apartment and we have to be out of this place on June 13th.
random scribbles in my notebook from this morning. too ugly to be poems.. everything is ugly lately:
random thoughts too many tears i want someone to understand. my scattered mind my tattered hair i've lost myself (again). thoughts too many thoughts flood my head too weak for action drowning in my own mind. ----------------- spinning, dreaming, thinking endless thoughts. hopeing, wishing, wanting endless things. acting, doing, saying nothing at all. ---------------- want to matter want to mean something want to be heard want to be something want to escape the pressure want to love again want to live again want to remember my drems want to do something but i just can't. ---------------- remember that day like it was yesterday. remember every day like it was yesterday. do everything i can to get back to yesterday. searching for something that no longer exists the further i go, the more that i am lost......
i'm just so mad at the world right now. i would like to kill everyone! i'm really sick of everything!!!! i'm sick of working so hard at everything i do and getting nothing in return. it's like i build someone a castle and they give me a pea in return and think that it's fair.
i hate san diego weather. i'm sick of being cold.
i hate that my cat knocks over it's water bowl every day. and spills it's food on purpose.
i hate that chris leaves towels and clothes on the floor.
i hate that my room doesn't stay neat for longer than a second.
i just HATE. i hate. i hate. i hate. i hate. i wish that i had something to punch!!
i hate that i've worked so hard to make people free webdesigns, and in return i get nothing except for bad grades, no sleep, ruined skin, poor health, fat, no fun, i get to stay indoors 24/7, i get to go to school with unbrushed hair, and so on. i never get paid anything. why am i so stupid? why do i work so hard for others while destroying myself? why can't i learn to just stop and take care of myself? i want to be left alone! i wish people would stop aksing me for help, just so that i can get though my finals with at least D's ! for goodness sake! I AM A PERSON TOO! i have needs! i have stuff i need to do! i'm not just here to serve everyone else! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
i'm soooo pissed. chris ran up my cellphone to $150!!!!!!!!!! (it's only supposed to be $40 a month....it's the ONLY phone i have.) he just doesn't get it. he's so used to being rich and careless that it doesn't even occur to him that there is a bill. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i don't have money to pay that! what a stupid jerk. i hate him. he causes me so much stress. he's like a child that i have to teach. it's so annoying. i can't take much more of this. if it wasn't for him, i could have a car by now! i want all my money back!
sometimes i feel that if i don't write, people will leave, and never come back...i'm sure this is true.
conclusions of today:
i passionately HATE many people. i hate their attitudes, the way they secretely think to themselves that they are better than others, i hate how people steal my stuff and pretend it's theirs, i hate other people who try to steal my friends, i hate people that lie, i hate people that judge people soley based on their clothes and makeup, i hate shallow people, i hate the girls i can hear outside my window that say things in a loud voice like "YEAH! TOALLY! LIKE OH MY GOD.....YEAH!" i hate those kind of people, the ones that are so out of touch with reality, the ones that aim to be "classy," never realizing that they way they talk and act disqualifies them...
BUT, i do like mexicans. yes, the proper name for them is mexicans, because i mean the ones that are from mexico....the ones that clean your house, the ones that mow your lawn, the ones that are janitors, the ones that do all your dirty work, so that you can remain "white and superior".... ...... i like them. they are hard workers with good hearts. they care about their families and other people, not so much the material things in life. they are better than most "white" people will ever be....when i worked, they were always the nicest customers. everytime chris works with them, they are always the nicest. .....and so on.
i saw two 11 year old mexican girls the other day...and they were very nice too....it was so nice to see children again...i haven't *really* seen any children in years. they made me feel like i wanted to 'go outside and play' or go climb trees.
why are people so scared/discusted by mexico? it's no dirtier than san diego. i get really offened when people are mean to mexico. yes, i'm "white" ....but still, i don't see anything wrong with mexico....and it's the white people's fault that mexico is the way it is. Mexico once contained the largest city in the world (?) and then white people (spanish) destroyed it.... stupid white people....
if i could, i would give all the american-indians back all their land and erase anything that white people have done to 'other' people in the past.... stupid stupid white people.
oh yes, and i hate to *inspire* people. all that means is that people have stolen my ideas. which is NOT flattery. despite what others may think. some people are happy being the "only" one, even if being the only one sucks.
