i wrote this song after going to the irvine spectrum and being threatened they said that if i didn't cover up, they'd throw me out i guess you are not allowed to show your stomach in america
7/5/02 rough draft song "the freedom in america"
you tell me what to wear and if i don't obey you'll kick me out i don't know what to say (oh..)
(chorus) America America land of the rich America America land of control no freedom of expression (you're causing my depression) <-- just added that the pursuit of happiness is illegal America America oh what have you done?
(chorus)
beach closes at 10:00 no where to get away lock up the sea in this land of the free
(chorus)
arrested for skateboarding 3 days in jail happiness is taken in this land of control
(chorus) [they arrested my friend in south OC for skating]
I am so sick of my printer not working. It only works when it wants to...it's so annoying. grrrr! and then when i moved, my scanner *software* stopped working, and due to the fact that it took me over a week to make it work with XP in the first place, there is no way i'm going to even try to make it work again. It's just not worth the time and effort.
Well, my savings account has officially run out of money and there's not enough $ to pay my rent tomorrow. I'm just a bit short. I never thought this would happen to ME. I've always saved every penny that i made, never go out to eat, never go to the movies, only go dancing less than once a month on average...
It was so stupid of me to actually count on other people who told me that they had $200 - $1000 websites and so on that they wanted me to make... no one came through...not even the guy that hired me for his company...
So much for trusting people. I used to have this thing, "Trust No One" ....and i forgot about it...but i've learned over and over that you really can't trust anyone at all.
I could have made $3000 working at a place like mcdonalds this summer, and instead, i have nothing, and no money for school next quarter....
everything is such a mess right now. i don't even know if we are going to be able to pay the rent. my checkbooks are all screwed up thanks to chris using my atm cards, i have clue what's going on.
chris is saying some bs about he doesn't know if he can be with me much longer cuz i always yell at him...
well i wouldn't yell at him if he could be more responsible and not act like he's two. oh yeah, and if he made sure that there was food in the house before he left for work, i wouldn't be starving too death, and then maybe i wouldn't be so cranky and then wouldn't get so stressed out or yell.
and i'm sick of getting so much email, make it go away! it's all so overwhelming.
i need a vacation!!!!!!!! i need some time to myself, to just sit. and relax. and do nothing for once. i'm sick of stupid people. i HATE stupid people. DIE all stupid people!
i feel like everything is spiraling out of control
I'm not sure if it's a bad thing, or a good thing, but one of my designs is shown in a screenshot in this newspaper article thing: click here Thanks to Sam for telling me about it...
self destruction my greatest talent tear my life to shreads
no control know i shouldn't but i can't stop it
don't want to but i like the feel can't think clearly
can't take it but i want more it's too late now
the same old story i already know the end so why did i begin?
self destruction my greatest talent tear my life to shreads
there are so many things you don't know or understand about me, it doesn't seem like you care either...i so don't understand the way you are....
i'm so lonely, starving, etc. that i can't even think straight. It's so hard being away from Chris---he's only been working for a week, but it feels like years.
It's been so long since i actually spent time with chris. i want to, but i'm always too busy.
"I'm hanging out with me And you're a vacant chair A chosen compromise This space we rarely share... And if you lived here you'd be home now... And to make it real I need to have you here I need to have you I need to hold you Barren wasted heart Neglect of normalcy... I need to see you... Supervision is what I need Some consistence, tangibility Some casual light days Part of the furniture I want to take you for granted And see you regular" -NO DOUBT (home now)
everyone just wants to feel special, everyone wants to be loved.
"if you are ever for some reason single... can i be the first guy you call??.......just gives (me) hope that if i have the most microscopic chance with you.. then i have to have a chance with someone (that is) at least somewhat close to (the way that) i think you are."
poor lonely people. all of you. there's hope. life does get better, even if it takes 7 years. I promise.
you find the most love-deprived people in the oddest places.
try to get love from your parents. that's what you guys are really missing. once you have that, things don't seem so bad, even if you don't have a boy/girl-friend. And if your parents are strict, it's only because they love you...and a lot of parents love their kids---you guys just don't know it. And if for some reason your parents really don't love you, then i'll adopt you. : )
apparently a spambot or so is spending out emails using my email address (faked) in the from field. (or something...?) here's an email i got today: "I'm getting messages from a pornwebsite powered by your company. The messages offers a link to unsubscribe but you cannot find it. Pornpages with teenagers is illegal and inmoral, so is sending unrequested e-mail without offering the chance of unsubscribing. Please remove me from your list or tell how can I get out. "
....dude! Stupid spambots! This also happened to a graphic designer that i kinda know on the web. I do NOT have a pornwebsite! LOL . if i did, that would mean i would be rich, or at least have a car... LOL
here are some of my old poems: (all are copyrighted an protected by law, i might add)
The Lost Child
my world had ended my trust went away i love you i did no longer say didn't know it at the time and no one understands they controlled my life left no one to hold my little hand but always looking out for 'what was best for me' or so they thought or said but wouldn't let me be i sat miserably in pain for what seems like eternity and now it's supposed to be over but the pain is still with me i close my eyes and try to push it all away but the memories are still there and all those lost things that i had wanted to say innocence lost i've known too much and missed my childhood a mother's gentle touch they took her away in what was supposed to be in my best interest but it wasn't and now my world is an ambiguous mess the scars are still fragile they seem to have healed wrong i'm not always aware of it but somewhere i gave up on all that i had wanted all along. (Feb 1, 2002) ------------------------------------- summer
her lifeless body upon the bed her eyes wondering watching from inside her soul quietly analyzing the world pain has no more effect on her she doesn't breathe and yet she lives through one death after another all used up and so abused no one to trust and no one who cares but everything is fine.
(very late August, 2001) ------------------------------------- Becoming My Stereotype (song)
I'm becoming my stereotype Forgot to beat the statistics Put my guard down for awhile Tried to fit in, or tried to have fun
My own ideas slowly decay
I'm becoming what I detest Starting to sound like all the rest Caught up in the games that I didn't want to play Saying the things that I never wanted to say
and I feel so lost...
And I try to search for myself But I'm not sure where to look And I'm not sure which way to go Do I form new ideas or go back to the old?
I'm becoming my stereotype And I can't reverse the harm that has been done Everything can't be the same So some how my ideas must change
I'm becoming my stereotype And I'm too scared to be anything else My true colors are all put away Abuse from society causes them to decay
I'm becoming what I detest Starting to sound like all the rest Caught up in the games that I didn't want to play Saying the things that I never wanted to say and I feel so lost...
Emotional pain Yelling, screaming, crying out in pain They took away all that I loved Not material things People Family, friends, my one true love Gone. Everything is gone. Nothing. No one Emptiness, silence Nothing but pain Endless pain, worse than a thousand knives Yelling, screaming, crying, longing to die A painless death Fearing there may be more pain after death Longing to get away from this pain Locked inside a tragic life Trapped with a destiny Of years of pain. Drowning in self pity Wishing someone could understand my pain Feel my pain, Know my pain But not pretend to feel sorry for what they don't see Pain so awful that others can't see it, Can't even begin to understand; Not without knowing it. Pain; ripping and tearing away at my soul Killing my faith in what I have known Tears burn my eyes and sting my face More pain. Lost in my own little world, Hiding from the pain. As I open my eyes, the pain comes back as reality Much worse, as it slaps me in the face Wakes me up From my false world of comfort Realizing I have nothing, Nothing No one to hug No one to love No one to hold me and tell me it's okay No shoulder to cry on No one to kiss my tears away No one at all Nothing but silence Emptiness And the immense pain Torturing me Slowly killing me Killing my soul My heart My love My trust And all I have left is the pain. Beautiful pain.
(March 26, 1998) ------------------------------------- Clouded Mind
Empty and Alone Hollow dreams seem so full Established and accomplished Un-fulfilling Disgusted by the truth The reality of wrong actions Guilt and regret Still looking to be full Confusion, delusion, and depression All add up Left with nothing more than before Yet I keep trying to dilute the emptiness Heart filled with unexpressed pain Distorts reality What's wrong or right? Too much, but not enough Undecided and not so sure Not authentic and not superficial Just lost, hurt and empty And all I have to help me is you.
(September 8, 2000) ----------------------------- Nothing But You
all alone choking in tears they're killing me i have no control so what can i do? i have no love so how can i live? waiting for you i don't care if you're not coming i'm still waiting for you crying on the floor no one to talk to nothing but silence and the sound of my tears the darkness is all around me it doesn't even feel like i have that who can i talk to? who's going to love me? and tell me it's okay what's going to keep me from crying? when i have nothing to do i just sit in my room that might as well be empty because nothing brings comfort except for what i can't have nothing, but you.
Take one look; I look away. You pull me in- I just can't stay. All the magic in the world can't keep me here another day.
Can't get you out of my head; I want to run away from your love that I love; from the way I feel inside because of you-
I close my eyes, I feel your touch it feels so right; it can't be good to feel this way, you make me laugh you make me glow; make me feel emotions that I never knew were possible to feel.
I look into your eyes as they catch the candlelight and make me believe that everything I need is here, with you. And there is nothing I can do except dream of you and how things could have been; if only we had met in some other world or at some other time.
I wanted to be forever yours, and you forever mine; but dreams can only last so long up against reality. And promises based on hope, can fade away. And as much as I love you, it just wasn't meant to be. I hope you can see how much you mean to me-
Close your eyes and feel my lips upon your skin I wonder if you feel the same magic that I do. Breath me in and kiss me soft. Cry once more, make love the way we always do Then take one look; and look away. Say good bye to yesterday and walk away, away. (Nov. 7, 2001)
oh i am so stupid! Chris is only home for one day this week (due to a job very far away) and here i am on the computer! I worked on people's websites ALL night long! He has to go to work in just a few hours!
Poor Chris! He never gets ANY attention. working for myself, err i mean trying to, makes me such a horrible girlfriend. I've hardly even kissed poor Chris at all in the last 6 months+ ....eep!
so i'm a bit behind in life--- i have to add new link buttons that Vidar and Jen made me, and i have over 40 emails to respond to! ahhh! i need a secretary or something! but i promise i'll respond to all your emails and put up the lovely link buttons you guys made for me as soon as i get time! <3
Oh, and thank you very very much to Hafiz Huda for a $15 donation!!
...lately i'm obsessed with the song 'satisfaction' by benny benassi ...lol
i think we should make it an american custom to french kiss your friends. just seems like a good idea. i don't think that most kisses have any meaning...just a way of showing affection for someone or having fun. there have only been a few guys i kissed where it actually had meaning, and made me "love" them, or feel attached. and those guys told me they loved me (so what if one was drunk...!) and then were never to be seen again. you have to play defense when kissing guys. you have to be the one to make it meaningless in your own head. that way you don't get hurt, because the truth is, most guys *just* want to hook-up (kiss or +) and then move on to the next girl, they don't want a relationship, usually. so little girls, learn this while you're young. it's a good thing to know...
also, boys will say anything to try to get you to kiss them (one told me he'd buy me a car---where's my celica?! you liar!! lol), but the main lines are: "you're so different from any girl i've ever met" "i'm not like other guys" "you'll never find another guy like me" (or something milder than that) "you're beautiful" "i want to spoil you" "let's go into that room and talk." and so on.
and while occasionally a line might be true, it's still all an evil plot to "get" you, so don't buy into it unless you liked the guy first.
anyway, the topic of lines boys use came up because recently, at a party, i had two guys in a row feed me the same lines and try the same tricks! exactley the same! it was like "whoaaaa deja vu!"
and it's like REALLY! why try?! i have a boyfriend! if you CARED about me, you wouldn't try anything, AT ALL. and if you were SMART, you would know that if i cheated on my boyfriend for you, then i would probably cheaton you, right? I really don't understand boys sometimes....
whatever though. i found my perfect boy, i've invested in him, i've sacrificed for him, i've worked hard to fix all our problems, and there's no way i'm EVER going to throw away that time and effort! and i can't bear the thought of ever having to find someone else. any boy that doesn't have chris's face is out of the game... there isn't one single boy i know that could replace chris. the way he talks is perfect, the way he acts is perfect, the way he thinks is perfect, perfect to me that is; comforting, soothing, never pushy or controlling...never scary...and yeah we have our share of problems, but i can be myself around him, i feel safe with him, i don't hate him.... (lol) i'm used to him. but actaully, he was always perfect to me...never said anything that i didn't like or made me feel uncomfortable or mad, and THAT is amazing...that's why we are best friends...
and what you've all been waiting for... (okay, okay, maybe it was only Cicely...) NEW PICTURES! they are not that great, but i liked the outfit...
i put up pictures just for you Cicely! <3
i've been having a life lately! miricle! i went to 3 parties in 3 days. a boring one with cicely, (and then we went on an adventure), then a pool/rave party in LA, and then a rave in LA. i got to see Anabolic Frolic spin live!! weee!
i HATE college people! grrr! everyone goes home to mommy and daddy for the summer! can't they just be NORMAL and live in san diego 24/7 and have one house?! grr!
some people are so unbelievably stupid that I really don't understand how they even know how to prepare food for themselves. who knows, they probably boil spagetti noodles with the package still on.
why is it that more and more people are born lacking basic common sense?
there is nothing i hate more then stupid people that are not even willing to help themselves. they want you to do it for them. they have no interest in underding how something works, or even trying to make it work. rather than look up how to do it, they try for one minute, give up, and then ask someone. then that someone they ask just has to go look it up for them.
i am just so sick of these people that i could scream! and they even come in all ages. maybe they were all born missing half their brains. and yes, stupid people are what give most americans their jobs, but still, i wish such stupid lazy people didn't have to exist.
i was thinking of writing down ideas i had for a mucic video, but then i decided not to, because i will never have the money or anything else to make a music video.
sometimes i think i live in a different world than other people-
looking at the topics on a messageboard...about such "normal" things like movies, weed, angelena jolie,etc, etc, and i am just so not on that level... i missed that part of life somewhere. my messageboard posts are like "the meaning of life" , and "a dying dream" and so on.
Random people who come here, you are allowed to comment you know! it seems like less then 10 people ever leave comments anymore. oh well, i guess that's because the other people that come here don't know how to think, and therefore cannot comment. What do you think? lol
Anyway, question of the day: do you let your friends randomly come in your house without knocking? do you like it?
i hate when people come in my house without knocking! i think it's really rude! especially because i really don't have a close relationship with any of the people that have done that. i guess it's just normal for them, but i think it's a bit disrespectful... i mean maybe it would be okay if it was a very very close friend, but since i don't have any of those (besides the one i live with - chis), it's not okay! lol
i've decided that i want a convertable classic car. who cares if that means i have to spend zillions replacing parts all the time (like any stupid old car) now, all i need to do is find money.
maybe if i plant a dollar it will grow into a money tree? no?
oh, who am i kidding, i'll never have a car. by the time i do get one, it won't be fun anymore.
and i thought Nordstrom sold the world's most boring, ugliest clothes! Nope, wrong...it's Gap! i bought something at gap for the first time in my life, and i didn't really "buy" it...i had a $50 gift certificate, so i was forced to find something. I wandered around the store hopelessly for hours. i finally got 6 pairs of plain white socks and a $34 jean skirt. i'm in the process of cutting the jean skirt. it's either that, or i should've bought more socks. lol
when next shopping, i definately recommend ANY store over gap, even clothes from grocery stores! lol
Thanks to Jen for the link button she made me! you can see it on this page: link buttons if anyone else would like to make me link buttons, i would love it! as you can see, mine suck...so i need more that don't suck!
i'm not sure how it works, but my site might be down for a few days between now and a few weeks from now. My host is moving to a dsl connection [bye bye t1 :( ] and he is also moving all his stuff to another location/building.
do you know that i hate the name maystar ? i've learned to like my name, may and i like stars, and i like writing may*star but i HATE the sound of "maystar" anyone else hate it too?
OK, so i caught the person that left "YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK..." in my guestbook a month ago! it's EXACTLEY who i thought it was! thank you matching ip addresses...lol
But i'm pretty sue she's over it... just a momentary lapse of sanity or so. lol
It's funny, everyone that i start off in a fight with, or people that hate me for no reason at first, ALWAYS end up being my 'friends' in the end. it's like the tension is gone, the hate is out in the open, and then it's gone forever, and that makes for a better friendship somehow. haha
well, since i wasted time doing this, might as well tell you: there is now a contact form when you click the main link "email me"... Also, all the forms on my site have been configured to use my own php instead of going through that stupid bravenet email form/php thing. so yay. i wasted more of my life.
when i die, my life's accomplishment will be the millions of hours that have been put into this website. won't that be great?
somebody PLEASE kidnap me and make me go have fun! (oh, but you need to dye my roots blonde first and put my make up on me --- i haven't even seen my makeup for months!)
oh yeah, and this is sad: i haven't brushed my hair for over a week---and i didn't even notice until yesterday this internet is destroying my life....
I went outside the other day. there are NO children. where are all the children that used to play outside??????? are they all stuck inside too? what is going on with this world? people are becoming more and more anti-social everyday, every year. pretty soon it's going to be like the matrix, but it will be our choice---living in some kind of "protected" bubble, with a false reality ---too scared to go outside ---too scared to live.
if you are reading this, or any other 'blog' on the internet, you are wasting your life.
what i once told mia: "you're only allowed to be on the computer 15 min.s a day" she just laughed. it wasn't until i started webdesign that i understood.
the way the computer slowly sucks your life away from you feeds on your energy until you are took weak to get up and then you are forever stuck glued to the screen in a way.
nothing good can come from the internet. nothing. it provides us with tons of incorrect facts, promotes stealing, floods us with advertising, distroys anything we learned about "English" in school, ruins the hope of ever getting a letter in the mail, creates unnessesary hate and jealousy, eats time, wastes life, and so on.
It's like "watching TV" ... only worse.
The only reason i don't take my own advice is because i can't. i'm trapped in the horrible little internet world. Get out while you can---before it's too late!
But i guess everyone wants to be heard, right? writing to an audience. instead of for yourself. causes some people to watch what they say... ...which really makes the whole thing pointless.
so badly do i wish that i could get away from this internet... but there's always something i have to do...check email/help someone/make a design for someone. there's always something...
So, if you're reading this, go outside, go dancing, go climb trees, go have FUN. go live the life that i don't have. because i'm here. typing to you.
you are not really a webdesigner unless you can start off with a blank template and start writing code, without looking at anything. so if you didn't "make" your website in that way, it's not yours, and you should give credit to all the people you took code from.
(by the way, this post is *not* about the boycott guy. this is directed at you little girls that are reading...) little girls = people ages 12 to 19 or so
I have a new little detective! And she really rocks! She is out hunting for people using my designs that don't have have links back to me, and people that are stealing bandwidth from me and my angelfire account! So watch out! She's really good!
She even caught "Mr. Webdesigner Guy!" (who is stealing bandwidth, but i let him), But can you believe she actually found someone that i KNOW?! That's just amazing.... lol
Back to the earlier topic, if you would leave your Blogger link, and your Haloscan (or whatever) comments link, WHY would you delete your template's design by link?
We (the angry designers) have the same copyright rights to sue! In fact, since we are *not* dealing with 1 million users like blogger, it's easier for us to check people's blogs --and we do ....
(oh and BY THE WAY, all my templates have "maystardesigns" for FILLER links, because when you put things like "yourlinkhere.com" for filler links, porn sites come up when you click the links! -and i don't think any of the thousands of teenage girls that use blogskins want to see that!)
I wonder what the percentage of blogskins users are age 12-18 year old GIRLS ...? My guess is like at least 90% ...what do you think?
I see that people are trying to login with things like "starwars" , "maystar" , and so on, and i was wondering what's going on? Are people trying to guess the imaginary password or ????
Let me know what you guys are doing ...! haha If you already know how to login, why not press "a" or something short???
yay! my first "boycott maystar" link! lol see it here: screen shot read his blog (on the screenshot to find out why...) (basically i just asked for him to put my link back on my 100% FREE template that he is using)
Really! People just do not get it!!
This is not a charity!!! I don't fucking slave away 20-40 hours making templates just to have my work treated like there is no author!
That's like me going and stealing one of gwen stefani's unknown songs (b-side tracks) and singing it and stuff, NEVER giving her credit for it, but never saying it was mine, but still, you would ASSUME it was mine, if you weren't familar with gwen's b-side tracks.
That's the way I see it.
I DO NOT RECCOMEND WEB DESIGN.
no no no. not for any reason.
update: my programmer friend left him a comment about the fact that i had the right to SUE him for removing or modifying the link... for this reason or another, he deleted his original post and the comments we had left. he replaced it with a post that said: "Oh, and just to show my good-natured sense of humor (remember when people had those?), the link to the original author of this layout's website is now back in place in the links section. You're welcome, May." (STILL with the boycott link)
And then says to me in my comments : "if you could read, you'd notice the part that said "my good-natured sense of humor", i'm not actually asking anyone to protest you. it's a gag. life is too short to be this stuck up about the internet." as if his NEW post had been there ALL ALONG.
K, so he thinks that's fixing the problem?? I say that's only making it worse!! LYING, and then insulting me about not knowing the content of his "lie" (AKA the new post)... dude, is this guy like 12?? ((Yes, i knew it was a gag, the original problem was the fact that he didn't seem to get WHY the template should have a link!!))
And what's up with guys being so bitchy lately?? Do guys have PMS now?? Have they all turned into chicks? I swear, sometimes, on the internet, i often mistake bitchy guys for girls...It's happened at least twice.
Guys, here's how to tell if you are turning into a girl: 1) you're picky...too picky 2) you fight with girls that are NOT your girlfriend/wife 3) you are mean to other girls 4) you criticize girls 5) you laugh like a snobby rich girl
...These are ALL VERY VERY "I AM A GIRL!" traits. Some gay guys have them, and it's those specific gay guys that i HATE... like johnathan:..."oh my god! did you see what she was wear--ring? like ehhh....[insert snobby rich girl fake laugh here]" ...oh god. he was like "hi i pretend to be rich and i act like a girl and i'm a fag!! look at me!" grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i HATE him with SUCH a passion.
Kian is an okay gay guy though...except the self-centeredness and the extreme self obsession and the self this and the self that and the not caring about or listening to what OTHER people are saying...
oh well, i guess those are NORMAL people traits these days....
Anyway, as you saw in the screenschot, this Erik does NOT care if someone steals his artwork WITHOUT credit, so if you were maybe wanting to become an artist or something, you now have work to sell! Just sign your name to it! ---- he said he wouldn't mind! LOL
i got to sit on our new couch for the first time for ten whole minutes yesterday! yay! we got the couch a month ago...
i'm still not even fully unpacked... over a month of summer has gone by... and i'be gone rollarskating outside 3 times and dancing twice and... that's all
i haven't even had time to go sit on the balcony or suntan on the roof...
all for less than $200 WEB DESIGN SUCKS!!! i think i'm going to QUIT! this is SO NOT WORTH MY TIME!
...and you know what? i think i'd enjoy being HOMELESS much more than sitting on the computer for 18 hours a day...
here's what i've been working on: domino's pizza and if he doesn't like it, he won't pay... and if he does like it--who knows--i'll get paid something close to or less than $1/hour...
yay.
yay for web design.
it's PATHETIC, the people that WORK AT domino's get paid MUCH MUCH MUCH more than the webdesigner...
that's it! i'm moving to Mexico! i can surely find a higher paying job there!!
use me abuse me, take what's called "free"- spread the disease.
use me confuse me, suck out what's left of my life- feeding like a parasite.
use me amuse me, live my life to for virus to thrive- hanging on, just barely alive...
-----------------------------------------
it took me 19 years to understand why anyone would ever want to do drugs. the answer? life. the world. the meaningless of it all. the pain. so many drugs that you go numb. that you eventually die. and there's peace at last --or is there?
the song i'm listening to--seems to fit my life perfectly-- System Of A Down ATWA lyrics "Hey you, see me, pictures crazy All the world I've seen before me passing by I've got nothing, to gain, to lose All the world I've seen before me passing by You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more Hey you, are me, not so pretty All the world I've seen before me passing by Silent my voice, I've got no choice All the world I've seen before me passing by You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more I don't see, anymore I don't hear, anymore I don't speak, anymore I don't feel Hey you, see me, pictures crazy All the world I've seen before me passing by I've got nothing, to gain, to lose All the world I've seen before me passing by You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more I don't sleep, anymore I don't eat, anymore I don't live, anymore I don't feel
hard work DOES NOT EVER pay off. BEING "GOOD" does not EVER pay off, you just remember that children! I've have tried my best, worked my hardest, always been "good" my whole life {hello, i even live with a boyfriend that i've had for 5 years and don't have sex! --we aren't married yet :( ....} (and i didn't run away when i got taken away from my mom, because i STUPIDLY believed that if i was "good" and didn't run away that i would actually get to go home!! HA - never did!} i've always worked SO SO SO SO hard at EVERY job i've ever had--- just ad hard as if it ws MY OWN company -- and i've NEVER gotten a raise -- not even promised ones -- i've only gotten min. wage {$5.35, $5.75, $6.25, $6.75} and LESS{AKA web design}.
So DON'T work hard!! it's STUPID and POINTLESS!! might as well stand around at work --- like everyone else ---
OH! I AM SO STUPID!!!!!!!!
i should give up on my clothing company before i even start. it's not like i'll ever make any money.
it's just my fate.
WHY did i ever think that i could do webdesign for a summer job? notice that all the jobs that paid real *money* disappeared... the six high paying website jobs i had, plus the guy that "hired me" all disappeared magically.
i could have made SO SO SO SO SO much more money working at any min. wage job! about $900 more!!
and then i would be able to pay rent...
but i didn't know that i was going to have to pay rent --- i didn't know that chris was going to lose his job!
In the 24+ hours i've had the password thing up, i've gotten 62 visitors to this page...and i'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing---it's more people than i thought came here, but an average of 642 people come to my site every day, so it actually might be a bad thing.
*some kind of kid voice:* "people that don't enter my personal site SUCK!" LOL. not really, but it's fun to say that, knowing that they'll never read it, because if they do, they are no longer one of those people...lol okay, i'll shut up know!
did anyone notice the new and almost improved email-password form? i'm trying to learn a BIT of php...the only problem is that my server has something wrong with it, and the php code won't work 100% how's supposed to, so i had to host my php a=on another server. GRR. and for some reason, the "auto response" emails will not send to forms! WHY???!
well, i've always known how to edit my error 404 page, but didn't ever get around to it. didn't think it was that important... now i realize that, HELLO! if you are stuck in the chromeless window and get an error message, you are dead! so i made my own custom error 404 page, with a back button! so now when you get an error 404 [like in the archives!!] you can go back to the page that sent you to the error! yay!
Girls, "do naked guys turn you on?" wants to know my guy friend.
i vote no.
no times 1 billion. naked boys kind of discust me. ANY naked boy. naked boys should be required to shaves their legs and be 100% tan. lol. waterpolo guys shave their legs...why can't all guys?
am i stupid??? i almost happily gave up the chance to be in two bands that were both about to record/do shows... what has this computer done to my mind?!!!
and to bypass the password thing, you can just click on whatever link or bookmark takes you here and then type in brokenmirrors.html after http://maystardesigns.com/ OR just enter via "maystardesigns.com/brokenmirrors.html' ....just don't link to that page!...hopefully i don't have to explain why...that should be obvious. [sorry i'm used to idiots emailing me all the time! a few weeks ago some chick asked me to email her the codes for 'soft blue bubbles' saying that blogskins "didn't have the code" HAHAHA ...how dumb is that? 6000 people have downloaded that code or so, and she tells me that blogskins doesn't have the code...riiiiight.... i mean yeah, we've all gotten the htm version once in ahile instead of the txt when downloading from blogskins, but isn't everybody capable of figuring out a way to get the code...?!! i figured it out on my own! so anyone should be able to! lol
did anyone get through the new "password" thing? is there anybody out there? lol if you have no clue what i'm talking about, you either a) came in through the wrong page or b) you need to push refresh 1000 times when you go to my "index" page
...yeah, so anyway, it doesn't send you the password because bravenet (the email form people) JUST decided to update their site, and made it so you can't auto reply to form emails! grrrr! ..maybe if i try my old forms.... ?
Hey, remember mr. webdesigner guy that "hired" me along time ago? well, he just "disappeared" at least from contacting me and also never paid for his blog design!
I swear, [most --60% of] grown up men are so worthless! They try to use you for all they can get! So far i've run into 4 adult men that have been absolute cheapskates when it comes time to pay for their designs! They either run away and brake our legally binding contract [aka: don't pay!], or they try to talk me out of paying [yeah right dude!], or they try to offer me something less valuable than rent money...GRRRR! No wonder old guys have problems getting dates and have to resort to internet dating services!!! why don't you actually give people what they deserve?
yeah. that's right! i said "deserve!" wanna fight?! If you say you are going to pay me for my design services, and i spend 20+ hours on your design [THE DAY BEFORE TWO TESTS!!! Mr. Webdesigner Guy!! *ahem*!] i EXPECT and DESERVE to be paid, and i am SICK and TIRED of being walked over!!! DIE EVIL MEN DIE!!!!!
But, okay, not *all* men are bad...one paid me a little more than i asked once... oh...and also Thank you to The Green Monster for the $30 for you design! It's gone already---i bought groceries---yay.
but for the mostpart, older men, at least internet ones, suck. and i have an evil plan to get back at one of them if they don't respond....he he he.
ok, forget singing for right now. i'm too tired. i'm too stressed out, we have 2 weeks to come up with $800 for rent. i'm trying to do webdesign, i' trying to work on my clothing company [i just spent, um...20 hours working on ONE page of my clothing site! eep! ...and there's going to be over 20 pages....AAHH!] i have way too much going on---and besides, ALL bands seem to suck, in one way or another---their music is always wrong--i want my own style ---i'm so sick of hearing the same types of music OVER and OVER again.
i also have some *unpaid* modeling shoots coming up {eep! need to lose weight, dye hair, and sleep! fast] ...those people that stak me are kind of right-- what on earth is the point of having lots of pictures of yourself?? oh well. i just like them because each picture captures a certain part of my style....
....... ok, and then there's dominos, and i'm putting that on hold for a second. the owner of this dominos sent me a email saying that he sent me $30 and $20 of gift certificates [for all my hard work!?] ....i really hope that he doesn't think that is what he is ALL he going to pay me!! i haven't even ever done a blog design for that cheap! ...and a whole website! HA. ...i've worked on it over 80 hours now---you do the math! that's 2 work weeks! [and no sleep!]
someone PLEASE tell me what to say to him ---!!? help! all i know is that i'm giving him no more than a rough draft of one page for that price! [which is basically all i have done] ---yes, two pages can take 80 hours, esp. when you are working with odd-shaped graphics!
Anyone whoever wanted to donate to me for all my hard work and free templates, via paypal, can now do so:
although i doubt anyone will... it takes 2.9% + .30 cents of your donation, so if you donate a dollar, i only get 60-somthing cents and if you donated $100, i would get $96.80 or so... the reason it costs money is because i have the payment by credit card enabled account.
yay. chris got hired @ a min. wage job ...but he can't find his stupid social security card! this min. wage job is going to pay just barely enough to pay the rent! eep! ...what about money for food??
Nevermind. no job. the job added up to be far less than min. wage... grrr
designs for my shirts will use silver and red or just silver, stars with silver glitter and stuff. [for now] i have 2-4 types of stars to use -- i'm going to spend a couple hundred [that i dont have!] and order the shirts.
i need to spend some time experimenting with designs and stuff before i know what i'm going to put on them exactley...
yeah. so when i get the shirts, i will just force you guys to buy them! hehehehe
oh, my necklaces are about $30, because the crystals are expensive....possibly if i get enough orders i can order wholesale and cut costs....but only possibly...crystals are always expensive....
would anyone want to buy this shirt [in white only] from me (with a design on it, of course) ? for 15.99 plus S&H charges .....? [i'm trying to make them super cheap! even if i only make $1 or so! haha]
so i just emailed plasticland clothing about maybe selling my clothes....it's a store by my house...it's my only chance for starting this clothing company that i've been thinking about for years...
i think i have a chance with them, but then again, with my luck, i don't really have a chance...
life is just too hard and confusing.
either way, go check out plasticland clothing and buy something! support their business! yay for independent companies! (in you live in san diego, you should check out their real store ---it has a lot more clothes, at least it looks like it through the window! really cute clothes!)
wow i guess you need to believe in slave labor in order to have a REAL clothing company... when i make a small shirt or skirt, it takes about 10 hours.
so say it takes a person that is good at sewing only 6 hours to make the same thing if you paid them CA min. wage, that would be about $40 in labor, plus ultilies plus rent plus factory rent plus supplies and fabric plus um profit? which is supposed to be 400% markup from cost...that could be over $100 just for a tinie tiny shirt!!!!!!
next time you go shopping, if you buy anything under that price, check out what country it was made in...definatley NOT usa.
let me waste my time let me expose myself so you can abuse my thoughts destroy my mind
let me open up this wall let me let you come in so you can poison my dreams destroy my mind
let me take off these clothes let me out in the open so you can slash me some more destroy my mind
and you'll never understand anything past your own gate too frightened to ever come out hide behind the screen judge the scenes you create in your mind by the standards you don't even understand you live in that fake world and i'll live in mine.
HASN'T MY LIFE BEEN HORRIBLE ENOUGH??? DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT WORSE?
i'm a REAL person, every mean thing you say DOES effect me. i won't just brush it off as "whatever"...
thanks for proving my assumtions true. thanks for confirming that ALL people are selfish and heartless and that our world is pointless. thanks for making the world seem even more grey....
why don't people leave their URLs and email addresses when they comment? it gets old.
another person wrote something dumb in my guestbook...leave me alone or i will become crazy and then stab you!!! lol update: it's 2 dumb comments now....................... delete. delete.
one said "Psst. If you have no waist, maybe you shouldn't wear belly shirts. What kind of person is so vain as to take a million pictures of herself, half naked and otherwise? Get a life." posted from 65.74.75.253
DOES 'NO WAIST' MEAN SKINNY OR FAT???! whichever it is, i DEFINATELY have a waist... my love handles make my waist look very defined! *grin*
Once again, no, YOU get a life, you are the one wasting your time and life just to be mean to someone you don't even know!
and once again, THIS IS MY SITE! don't like it? LEAVE! i like pictures. people like pictures. i like to wear what i like to wear. deal with it. if you can't deal with it, kill yourself!
if you weren't a complete idiot, you would have been able to figure out that i'm not vain.
This is getting SO SO SO SO old. The internet makes me hate people more than i already do... one day you'll see me on tv...i'll be one of those people that went crazy and stabbed a lot of people....that's how much i'm sick of this BS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
comment 2: "your site sucks and has no point to it, no war?? wtf is that sh*t your brain must be must up from being bulimic. your the reason why this country is falling to sh*t" posted from 24.186.43.115
OK??? so now i'm bulimic?????? Guess you learn something new about yourself everyday!!! wow. i'm pretty fat for a bulimic person! i must be doing something wrong.... War sucks!! If we are so CIVILIZED, we should be able to work out our problems without war, RIGHT?! war is very primitive and pointless. a lot of innocent people die!!!!! HOW IS THAT GOOD?????!
YAY! let's kill innocent people!! weee! what a smart, good idea! that will keep our country from "falling to sh*t" weee! riiiiight....
HOW BOUT I KILL YOU? THEN OUR COUNTRY WOULD BE BETTER! (you guys agree? let's kill IP 24.186.43.115!!)
.....if the leaders were actually competent, they could have worked things out...
Oh. P.S. ....it's "you are" or "you're" not "YOUR" ...learn to spell idiot! our country would definitely be better off without ignorant people like you in it!!
maybe i should get rid of my comments and guestbooks...the one or two mean comments a month are getting to be too many...
blogger (and ALL other website things) should really put in a spell check thing for free users...why would they want to make the internet full of mispelled documents??
If you search on google for "actaully" (a common typo that *i* make), there are 28,100 results ....eep! that's too many!!
Some people even had it in the title of their pages!!!
YAY! someone bought something from one of my cafepress stores! Too bad I get such a small percentage from those stores... I need to figure out a cheap place that does shirts! And then i could sell them for only like $15...
By the way, if anyone wants any custom clothes made, i'll make them for you, but the sewing quality will be horrible. It takes so long to make stuff too... the shirts i made by hand took 9-13 hours and the ones on the sewing machine took almost as long (I fight with my sewing machine!!)
A BIG THANK YOU TO [name confidential] for the $120 she sent me for blog modification (12 hours @ $10 per hour) !!! Thank you so so much! [i'm not putting her name here because her friends would flip out if they knew she paid for *anything* at all on the web... And if you think you know her, and that you came from her site, you are wrong!]
On another note, HELP ME YOU GUYS!! [this is pasted from and email i sent to one of my friends...]
My Aunt wants to see sites that i designed, and all the sites i have designed have a link to my site which links to my personal site...and i don't want her reading my site...
she's starting to accuse me of having depression and in my family...that's a SCARY thing to have...they'll stick your on drugs and put you in the mental hospital!!!
That's what they did to my mom.....she started reading the bible when she was 21 *AND IF YOU READ THE BIBLE YOU ARE CRAZY* according to them, so they threw her in the mental hospital, and stuck drugs in her veins, strapped her down....they put her in there again and again. My beautiful popular model mother gained lots of weight.... and her friends went to vistit her in the hospital and saw her drooling from the medicine, saw her fatness, saw her long blonde hair cut off, and never talked to her again...
the hospital labled her as skitzo
so my mom told everyone that's what she was and they didn't accept her...
