yay! i got my first 12" record today The Specials! (ska) an out of print record from 1980 (released in 1979 in the UK) p.s. records are MUCH more fun than tapes or CDs!!!!
so yesterday we put 200 more miles on our car, like any other SoCal teenager.... as though we were only driving to "the corner store" ... and went to Orange County and back...
we went to Orange Hill for our anniversary .... the nicest and most expensive restaurant ever. lol. On a hill above all orange county ... you can see the lights of at least 1/3 of the whole county. we got the "best table" in the whole place. we spent $90 on dinner. I got soup, filet mignon and chocolate cake that i didn't eat. and chris got soup and some kind of seafood thing and a glass of white wine.
their food wasn't as good as last time, they changed some of their recipies and stuff, but the steak was better and so was the bread. yum. bread. lol ... free bread is always the best part of eating out.
yeah, so if you are ever in OC and wanting to REALLY impress a girl, take her to Orange Hill ... it's seriously so nice ... you get like 3 waiters and all sorts of suff....it kinda reminds me of the movie "titanic" a little... oh and make sure your car is clean, because it's valet parking only.
Orange Hill is where our wedding reception was supposed to be .... we paid a $500 deposit which we couldn't get back .... i still think life would've been better if stupid people had left us alone, and let us get married and live the way we wanted to...
but i'm still a firm believer in the fact that anyone who is engaged at age 18 or around that age has *serious* problems. a normal healthy person would never want to get married that young....
ok, yay! you can comment again now! i stopped being lazy and took heather's advice and got a second commenting system. make sure to "copy" your comments before you hit submit --- just in case this commenting system hates us... : )
well this is wonderful ...my website was down, and now my comments are down! lol i just can't win! haha
but i still am grateful that yaccs has a wonderful free commenting system, and i intend to donate money to them whenever i get around to it. everyone should go donate money to their commenting things!! these people spend a lot of time and money so that you can have your 'free' comments on your journals!
oh and btw, domino's FINALLY paid me! not quite enough. but at least it was something! (they paid me about $1.50/hour or so) = $300 total (including that $30 they sent before and the $20 in gift certificates)...
yay! i got my record player... well i bought it at least, i don't have it yet...i got it for $40 (plus s&h which sucks) on ebay :) (on another website they are selling the same one for $119--so i think that means i got a good price...) it's a vintage turntable from1977-78, and kinda ugly, but at least it's the brand i want. (Technics) haha. "Technics SL-220 Frequency Generator Servo Automatic Turntable" i'd rather it be old and ugly than be a different "cheap" brand...
my theory has always been that all people are selfish; that almost every human action is selfish. for example, a boy gets a girl flowers. it's either to make her like him more, or to seem "sweet", or because HE LIKES to make people happy, whatever the reason, it's selfish. if a boy drives far to go see a girl, it's because HE WANTS to see her, it's not for the girl, it's not because he's nice, it's because that is what *he* wants.
it's very hard to be unselfish. i'd say that doing things that you hate are probably truely unselfish ... like chris making me food when he 100% does not want to, in the middle of the night, when he's mad...i think that would be truely unselfish ... and even then, maybe that's only to get me to shut up :)
if you give a homeless person money, it makes you feel good about yourself, so that's selfish... and so on.... i think everything has a bit of selfishness in it. can anyone prove me wrong?
i mean, i might argue that i've been unselfish, like missing a college final trying to make someone feel better via AIM, but still...maybe that somehow could be seen as selfish...not sure how, since i almost failed the class...but i'm sure that it had to be selfish in *some* way... oh, and i paid the whole bill at denny's, when i really didn't have the money --because the boy i was with was always really nice to other people, so i thought that i should be nice to him in return...how could that be seen as selfish....? someone answer....
what do you guys think? have you ever been 100% unselfish? explain how... talk!
ooohh i can't stand people like you...stuck up little girls that think they know everything... and love! ha, you only think you know what love is! love is tolerating someone, love is being with someone when you hate them (lol), love is not some magical thing you can feel after knowing someone for a month! if you "love someone because they are cute, smart, etc" that is NOT love! grrr! i swear, the people i've been meeting/reading about lately just get worse and worse...i've met like 2-3 good people...but they all happen to be 16. lol just about 4 years too young for me. lol. so many people just suck so much. this world sucks. just everything is so horrible. and if you've had a bad life, that is no excuse to be completely messed up! you can at least TRY to be normal and repair yourself! i hate people with problems and things. all my friends have always been crazy with tons of problems...i can't take it anymore!
these people are not good for my own sanity! they are dragging me down with them ... i need to be around normal, healthy, unselfish, caring people! yeah, ok, so those qualities don't go together...caring people always are unhealthy and come with many problems. normal healthy people are usually selfish and uncaring...oh it's hopeless! i just don't want to live in *this* world anymore...
chris b., when are we moving to that island?! lol ooooh can we bring candy??? hahaha
i "bought" alcohol for the first time today! lol. and no i'm not 21 yet... they just didn't card me! chris was going to buy this wine and he forgot his ID at home and somehow i got to buy it... so yeah... lol here's a picture, since it's so pretty (click it to go to a bigger picture) weee! haha. it's Vinuva brand Merlot (italy 2001) i wonder if it tastes good... probably not! ... i only like livingston brand 'red rose' wine... because it's actually sweet....
a glimpse into a fairytale and i wanted to stay that way forever but it wasn't real.
dreams, reality what's the difference? they both turn out the same anyway.
looking back while trying to forget make myself realize that you were never real.
a fictional character i created in my mind someone to save me and take away the pain.
you were never really there and i never intended to care but for just a second it was perfect
the music consuming me and i was in the perfect dream but it wasn't real. keep reminding myself.
it wasn't real. ---------------------------------------------
unfinished poems:
trying to get back to myself always trying to get back to something else
-------------------------------------------
a million different people to try to fill the hole
a million different names to try to hide the pain
but again i feel empty always i feel empty
--------------------------------------------
you slashed my heart and knocked me back into reality you opened up my eyes that were sealed blind with love you let me down but woke me up just in time to save myself from your game.
drugs for the first time block out the pain or make it worse loud music plays driving somewhere into the night tears in her eyes flying, spinning, something, anything just to get away run away from it all fast, fast, fast and then crash.
write too much but can never say what i mean say too little i can never make you understand don't know the words to explain what i want to say choking on my words can never be heard thoughts in my head stay forever in thought form lack of the right words write a book to explain a sentance and still it's never what i mean...
this is just a randon punk-emo song i wrote for a guy to sing...someone said "gorgeous naked girl" the other day and the line stuck in my head and became a song. i love the way the word gorgeous sounds ... ... rough draft as always, i haven't finished a song in years....
gorgeous naked girl
gorgeous naked girl you're too beautiful for me
gorgeous naked girl you're perfect how did i get you here? i could love you forever
gorgeous naked girl if we could only be together
gorgeous naked girl you're the best i've ever had
gorgeous naked girl the kind of girl i never thought i could have and then you came to me in a dream like an angel to take away the pain
gorgeous naked girl stay here with me forever
gorgeous naked girl you're too good for me
gorgeous naked girl i would marry you take care of you you're the one for me
gorgeous naked girl she's just a dream
gorgeous naked girl gone again from my head
gorgeous naked girl and i'm just alone again lonely again all alone again....
okay, so i get about 5000 people that come to my site every week. who are you? comment! say anything at all! everyone just say one thing! stop being all invisible and stalker like!
...yeah, if you can even comment... lol ...i just got this pop up blocker thing and it won't let me open comment boxes... yay.
i want a record player and records. chris and i almost got a record player 4 months ago or so. i wish we would have gotten it. there's this record store by my house ...i want records! esp. punk records :) i'm thinking about getting a technics turntable for a record player...lol.... probably waaaay too expensive, but that's what i want....and i'd hook it up to chris's speakers or something.... maybe i can find a used one somewhere or something...
so where did i go last week and how have i been? does anyone really care?
last week i re-learned that the way you dress REALLY does matter. people treat you SO differently depending on what you wear.
thursday night i went to a club and the name on everybody's lips was "fushia" -the color of my shirt and lipstick and the flower in my hair. - the name the bartender had given me when he gave my friends and i free water. for a night i was a star, and based on my more "classy' looking club outfit... an ugly nordstom-looking forever 21 shirt and a jean skirt with tan colored platforms, tons and tons of guys tried to/asked to danced with me. and i mean tons.... it was amazing... like at least 40 ... i turned them all down reassuring them that i don't like to dance with boys and telling some "i don't like boys" (a line from a song i used to love) i hugged some of them, so that they would not look "rejected" in front of their friends...
the next night, i was the ugly duckling. i was all punked out with my no war shirt and my jean vest thing and tie a black hat, red pants, and some silver sleves that i made a few years ago.... anyway, we went to "frat row" in fullerton (OC) to some fraternity parties, looking for my friend brittany, and all the boys treated me as though i was invisable....especially next to brittany.
it was so amazing. it's like one night i'm the girl everyone wants to be, and then when i dress like myself i'm totally invisable and ignored. one guy even came up to us and hit on *just* brittany. "what's up girl" .... ignoring the fact that i was even there. i mean, it's not like i CARE, but it just felt SO wierd! at least no one yelled mean things at me... lol ..... i swear it takes so much STRENGTH to dress the way i want to...
i also went jetskiing last week. it was SO fun on the ocean! i went like 80mph for at least 5 min.s straight, hitting waves and flying like 10 feet in the air and so on. finally we all flew off and i didn't get to drive for awhile. lol one girl was like "my life flashed before my eyes, REALLY" lol i had a lot of fun hanging out with GIRLS for a change :) ...i wish i had my *own* group of girlfriends in SD....
ok, this poem is SO messed up, i had the words in my head, but no pen, so i tried to rewrite it a few days later...it's all wrong. i'ma try to fix it, but yeah.
wanted to play your game while i was winning everything seemed so nice for a change
but when i was losing i changed my mind i just don't fit in with your standards of judging...
here's another messed up one:
used to understand your point of view and the pieces fit together (oh) so well
but now everything has changed and your eyes just aren't the same
i guess they were right all along maybe i was just too blind to see....
wrote this the other day after a rave: dance until dawn but the lights are dimming the dream is dying the hope is fading it's over it really is the revolution is dead the fire is gone and what's left are parasites sucking onto what remains of a forgotten dream.
the mother that i waited for. the mother that i always wanted back is dead. she's become a monster. makes me want to kill myself ... jump out the window. if it wasn't for chris i would. i really would. i want to. i'm contemplating it. i don't even care if i die or not, i'm crying. chris please hurry up and come home. i need you. i can't be lonley like this anymore.
i wish i could take away all your pain and hurt i looked into your soul and i saw you you're a beautiful person inside, whether you know it or not you have a good heart and you've got tons of potential you could start over today if you wanted ...it's that easy... i think you're already on the right track....
i wish i could make everyone all better i don't want anyone to feel lost or hurt or lonely.... i wish that i could make everyone happy...
ok. no one send me attachments. i have my email set to block them. to end this virus problem. if you need to send me attachments, let me know and i'll set up a new email account. xoxo
You think that we connect That the chemistry's correct Your words walk right through my ears Presuming I like what I hear
And now I'm stuck in the web You're spinning You've got me for your prey
Sorry I'm not home right now I'm walking into spiderwebs So leave a message And I'll call you back A likely story, but leave a message And I'll call you back
You're intruding on what's mine and You're taking up my time Don't have the courage inside me To tell you please let me be
Communication, a telephonic invasion I'm planning my escape...
CHORUS And it's all your fault I screen my phone calls No matter who calls I gotta screen my phone calls
Now it's gone too deep You wake me in my sleep My dreams become nightmares 'Cause you're ringing in my ears.
ooh spider webs leave a message and I'll call you back I'm walkin into spider webs so leave a message and I'll call you back...
okay....? who the fuck is posting as me, on my own comments???! are you stupid?!! these comments were not made by me: "hav u ever told me the truth then ?" and "yes he lied too much" 30 min.s ago from IP #202.156.2.7
...update: ok, and that IP matches: kalene @ wishuponatwinklestar@hotmail.com and http://vedette.ardency.net
Kalene???? why are you posting as may*star ???????????!!!!
oh yeah, and my computer has a virus too! yay. what a lovely day. lol yeah, so if you get any email from me with attachments, it's not from me, it's from the virus trying to spread itself. i'm in the process of fixing it right now...
also, if you sent me an email after 9am today (PST) please send it again, because somehow all my emails after then got deleted!
woahhh ... my email is totally being attacked by viruses...i've gotten like 20+ emails with viruses! wtf?! lol
*in superficial mode* yay! for random sporadic fun! i love people that are just like 'go anywhere, do anything, anytime'! me and cicely went to the beach at like 1am and got back just now.... i need to find more friends like her.... only her and josh are sporadic .... everyone else is like "it's 10pm it's bedtime, i have to work..." it's like so?! live a little! have some fun! you only are young ONCE! don't ruin your LIFE for work! i had to wake up at 5am to work 8 hour+ days two summers ago, and i would stay out allll night sometimes and sometimes just till 3am ! that was the funnest summer ever! i never knew where i was going or who i was going to hang out with .... it was all totally random and fun! a couple times we ended up offroading drunk -- it may have been "stupid" but it was sooooo fun! and then we went out for breakfast at like 3:30am and so on. why can't i meet any people like that now??
my cat doesn't like milk or cream. it doesn't like fish or meat, but it likes coconut milk! lol ....chris b., when me and you go to live on that deserted island, we have to bring my cat! lol
i gave you my soul and you cradled it with care... for a few days... made me trust made me believe in you and all your promises and then you RIPPED IT to shreads!!
whoaaa...
and i'd like to see you suffer too i don't really care what you've been through you had a chance you gave it up and now there's nothing that anyone can do
chorus: in this life you got everything that you ever wanted everything and you threw it all away in your next life it won't be that easy you're going to pay
oooooh-oh
i gave you my heart and you played with my head... for a few days... made me dream made me believe in you and all your fairytales and then you RIPPED IT to shreads!!
and it's funny how you never even cared to learn anything more about me after everything you don't even really know me can't believe that i could be so naive
chorus X2
you've had so much, but you're so blind, you can't even see what you have and what you've lost...
ok, so why did you just call me so randomly, like nothing was wrong, just to get off the phone so fast? grrr! and no i'm not going to "call (you) just whenever". i'm never going to call you. i hate you. you hurt me, and you don't even seem to care!! you don't even seem to KNOW!! i'd like to yell at you, but i won't... i just will never call you and hope that somehow that hurts you...my attempt at playing games ... just 'oh well' if it doesn't work ... you are not worth talking to anyway, nobody should talk to you! you are so hurtful! grrrrr ... die!
*next guy that likes me is going to get bashed on the head with a shovel*
i'm sick of this. i want FRIENDS ONLY!!! do you comprende english?
if you wanted to like me, you should have liked me when i was single, when i was lonely, when i was dying for love, when there was no one there, where were you then, huh? you stupid selfish guys. i'm not yours! i don't want to be yours! i don't like you! leave me alone!!! you are not my type! what makes you think that just because you like me that i like you? i'm sorry for trying to be a nice person! i didn't mean for you to like me because of it! i guess i will only be nice to *girls* from now on!!! grrrr!
there was a time in my life when people would do something mean to me and then be struck very hard with bad karma ... i wonder if that still happens? this one boy was really mean to me when i was like 11, and then he got some weird disease and had to go to the hospital for along time... then this pregnant girl stole my baby blankets that i had saved my whole life (i've lost everything else) that my dead great grandma had made me, and when she had her baby, she became paralized. one of my "good" girl friends called me a slut behind my back in junior high for absolutely no reason... and then the same thing happened to her...
boys were supposed to call me and pick me up for a rave/party last night and they stood me up, never even called, and guess what?! the boy's party didn't happen ... things got too messed up... now i'm waiting ... what's going to happen to the other guy? .... hehehe i want him to feel bad. i do. i want him to hurt like i hurt. i know it's an awful thing to want, but i do, i want him to feel the same pain that everyone else around him is forced to feel... and we *all* know that he definitaly deserves to feel bad ... he's hurt sooooo many people, especialy lately....
i thought that you were different but you're really worse than all the rest...
what doesn't kill you will make you stronger... it's true, but.. it also makes you harder and colder and more cautious makes the world seem like an evil-er place...
i want to be 14-16 again.
also, anyone notice that i post WAAAY too many times in a day?! lol
it's funny, the more time i spend with other guys, the more i realize how perfect chris really is, even if he's not perfect. there is no one that even comes close to comparing to chris. not in any way at all. there's nothing about chris that annoys me or bothers me like other guys (except for the occasional lack of common sense, but even then, he's much much smarter than a lot of other guys)...
hey you guys, i'm responding to my comments more often now, so yeah.... yay! also, if anyone wants my AIM screenname, i've decided to finally give it out again: click here to IM me Rossetto Rosso it means red lipstick in italian... it's not my main screenname but i can sign on to two screennames+ at once cuz i have "dead aim"
you gave me a glimpse of something new a chance to escape and i believed you oh i believed you
i contemplated leaving my world behind and joining yours but you lied oh how you lied
oh-ohh
chorus: and we all follow empty promises sometimes chase after hallow dreams and i can't believe that you could have taken away my dreams (just) to leave me with nothing
and even if it was only for a second i just can't believe that i almost lost everything for you and your promises of nothing
it's twisted how people will say anything to get what they want and they lie oh how they lie
i almost fell into your trap but i woke up just in time i'm not blind i'm not that blind
eep! i'm really behind in returning my emails again! sorry! i'm trying my best to respond to them! i have 70 more to go ... ahhhh! i'm trying! if you ordered a design from me or wanted and esitmate, don't worry, i'm going to respond to your email within the next few days!
i was thinking, and i figured out that it's pointless to go somewhere that you want to go with people that you don't really like because even if you like the place, you won't have any fun...
running running always running away i've been running so long that i can't seem to remember what i'm running from why do i try to hide from the past? why do i always try to get away?
the world has never looked so beautiful seeing the world in a whole new light when driving at night with loud music nothing is more wonderful i'd like to drive forever and ever.
dude! gas is SO expensive!!! $2.05 a gallon for the cheapest gas! this morning it was $1.99 and yesterday it was $1.95
it just has to be the end of the world soon...! lol what happened with the power and cell phone outages on the east coast?? did they fix that yet?
sometimes my songs are made from incoherent thoughts all mixed together, sometimes not even about the same topic... you get to pick them apart and try to figure me out, but i don't like to tell the real meaning...that's cheating.. it's like a puzzle you have to piece together yourself...
sometimes i just can't explain the way i think anyway. just thoughts rushing about in my head...
and you can think that things are written for you if want, but they are usually not, but sometimes they are...
and sometimes i can't write what i want to, because too many people i know read this, so i have to write with jumbled thoughts instead of clear statements that they can understand. hey, at least it forces me to write song type things. although i was thinking of investing in an annonomus journal...one where i can write the stupid types of things that no one wants to read anyway....heehee
maybe i'm just crazy and i'm so sick of waiting not knowing guessing at this game do you hate me? can you hear me? are the words you're telling me true? i just don't know what to do but i do...
you pushed me off the cliff and now i'm falling down and down and down and i can't seem to find myself again
so lost again i'm spiraling down out of control
you killed what was left of me and now i'm dying again
i kill my soul dive right in to destruction
i hate everything i can't seem to stop
and i'm still falling down out of control you pushed me off the cliff...
*this could maybe be sung to the music of that one rave song that goes "i feel alive... now i can breath again...i call your name... my friend i hold you close ....this fire in my soul surrounding me ...again. I feel you, i want you, i know your touch is all i need, im waiting, you're shining..."*
i went through absoulte HELL today. I now feel sick, tired, i have a sore throat, i have the worst headache ever in the world, and i feel just HORRIBLE...
words cannot express how bad i feel or how bad this day *felt*
setting the scene: so i went to bed at 12 last night, but i had to stay up a little past then because of chris's laundry, and then i was crying again last night and just trying to sort things out with chris and the mess that my life has recentely become...so i went to SLEEP at like 2:30am, and then i had to wake up at 5am, 5:30am. 6am and so on trying to wake chris up for work!! finally we left to take him to work in lake elsinore (1-2 hours from my house) and *I* was driving, and well...
i just don't really know how to drive .... very well, so i was sooo stressed out and scared the whole way there, but i had to practice driving with chris in the car, because i was taking the car allll the way home, WITHOUT chris...
so anyway i drop him off, and then i had to go get gas...i was very frightened...i've never ever had to get gas before on my own...but i figured it out...yeah it's not hard...
the story:so i'm pulling out of the gas station, with no car insurence at all, barely any brakes left, with my mother in the car, nagging away at me, and she had brought the cat, so it was really extra stressful... and so i'm pulling out, not really knowing how to drive, and i almost hit a cop!!!! i was so freaked out! i just waved him by, as though he was just a *normal* person, and he looked pissed off, but thank god!, he didn't pull me over... so then i'm so panicked about that, and my mother is yelling something about the cat needing water or the water spilling, and then i ran a RED light! just like water. like nothing. but i didn't get a ticket. so then we are driving again and i get kinda lost, only for a minute, but it was still enough to stress me out... and finally we get to the freeway and i deal with the fear of not knowing how to drive and traffic and so on, and after awhile, YAY, the car starts flipping out! It started braking by itself kinda, like a "jolting" motion, and the anti-lock brake light and service engine lights are flashing and my car just won't drive anymore!!
i drive or coast with the hazards on *keep in mind, our car has no horn...* and the brakes are barely working...and i get us to a gas station, and i try calling chris's dad, because i just don't know what else to do, and he's helpful, but not really, what i really need is *MONEY* to fix this problem, and i didn't *really* have any to spend... then these 2 nice christian black men help us, and they are going to lead us to a cheap place to get the car fixed, and i'm trying to drive, but the car keeps cutting out, the engine is now turing off completely...i have to stop at the freeway entrance and hold up traffic... one of the guys, Lennon, offers to drive, and gets the car to work enough to get us to the place...that 10 minutes turned into what seemed like hours, and finally we make it to the car fixing place. *meanwhile the poor cat is dying of heatstroke* so we go and it's going to be at least $75, just to look at it... but what can i do, the car won't even drive...and i'm all alone without my chris... so we wait there for hour and hours....i'm barefoot with oil on my feet in my pj shorts and cat hair covered tank top, my hair isn't done and i haven't eaten all day... i'm stressed out, and worried, and so on
*and then chris calls*
and guess what? the car he was in got into an accident! and his head went through the back window of the truck!! he has to get x-rays and stuff...
anyway we were at the car fix place for hours and hour and hours and hours ....like 7 hours and the cat was with us... trying to run away and my mom was still nagging
and i had to use my college book money to get the car fixed -$500
what a nightmare!!!
and this was supposed to be my only time to have the car, and have FUN.... and everything went wrong and i don't even have money for gas now!!
*i FEEL like i got into an accident...or worse!*
and poor chris! we both had a feeling that he was going to get into an accident and die---and look...he got into an accident! i really hope he doesn't die....
i think it's the end of the world soon....so many people are having everything go wrong lately...millions of accidents...and so on...
i'm so tired and worn out.... i was supposed to be home at 10-11am and i had a website to work on for someone today!!! and it's now 7:30pm and i'm starving.... and i'm sick now... and.... ok goodbye...
i'm still really stressed about money things... chris said that he will leave me the car when he goes to work in monteray for 10 days+ BUT that's useless... i don't have money for gas to go anywhere i don't have money to go to clubs or anything AND we don't have car insurence so i'm scared of getting arrested...so yeah... and our car tags will be expiring this month and chris has like 5+ unpaid parking tickets (that have all doubled and so on)... and my cell phone bill was $90 thanks to chris calling his parents too much! grrr! i can't wait for my cell phone contract to run out! i hate cell phone bills!
i'm just SO stressed out! there's just never enough money
why is everything so boring? it seems as if i can only have fun if i'm doing something halfway athletic...*only halfway haha* dancing, rollerskating, and bodyboarding.... those are the only things that seem fun...
why are non-boyfriend guys so possessive?! it seems like most of the guys i hang out with me treat me like they own me... like when i went with Eden to TJ last year... he got super mad that guys were trying to dance with me and when mexicans whistled at me, but it's like: um...hello?! i'm not yours!! you have no right to get mad!!! i already have a boyfriend that does that, i don't need another one!!! one is enough! i swear it feels *stressful* to hang out with other boys instead of fun...it's like oh, well i can't do that or else he'll get mad at me....i feel like they are parents or something! whatever happened to me being 'just one of the guys'? did i lose that status somewhere?? what happened? :( ...now i'm prayed upon as if i were just a girl...
ok, yet another new site layout...! version 256million point "o" lol i guess we could call it V2.0, because it's only the second *completely* new layout that i've had since i've had my own domain name... it only took like 13-14 hours to make! yay! p.s. if you can't see the new design, it's because you have to push refresh :)
*time to sleep now!* update: (2:30pm) NOW going to bed :(
intro song lyrics: AMERICANS (song version) by may*star we kill ourselves everyday destroy our bodies in every way corrupt our minds and souls did you really want to turn out this way? we live in fear of what others think and alcohol seeps through our pores we pray to drugs tar coats our lungs and sex fills our minds it’s okay we say
and here's the POEM that i wrote that the rough draft song came from: AMERICANS (original version) by may*star Feb. 2, 2002 (written for kristine and also every other person :) ) we kill ourselves everyday destroy our bodies in every way corrupt our minds and souls did you really want to turn out this way? we live in fear of what others think and alcohol seeps through our pores we pray to drugs as the government rips their own God to shreds tar coats our lungs and sex fills our minds it’s okay we say freedom above all freedom to do what we want but we never do we follow the media’s example and the ‘cool’ person’s view we strive not for happiness but for what we think to be happiness to fit in to be the best in the superficial world but no one ever wins the competition makes us miserable we sell our souls to be accepted betray ourselves and become mindless just following the crowd we drink at first to be cool and then we drink to escape our misery to escape the social guidelines and rules that we pretend to follow all hypocrites yet we keep on judging and criticizing to transfer our disposition to others to make ourselves appear and feel better we lose ourselves our morals and values are gone we use our ‘friends’ who can you trust when you know that you, yourself are not trustworthy? our innocence is gone our imaginations are almost obsolete from trying so hard to fit in with people that are really just the same as you already happiness is not found in the crowd happiness is found in truth be true to yourself and do what you think is right do what you really makes you happy deep down inside it’s okay to run away from the evils and be that creative child again.
they are making a law to take away more of your freedom and you can stop it!
"Like the RAVE Act, this piece of legislation, currently being considered by Congress, could effectively ban live music and dancing while throwing innocent people like you in jail. If enacted, HR 2962 could prevent you from hearing your favorite band or DJ live."
If the law is made, people who *legally* throw raves and other similar music events, will be thrown in JAIL, if any of their customers (the people who go to the events) use drugs!
now, i don't do drugs or believe in drugs, but it's NOT FAIR for a bussiness owner to be punished for a customer's actions! THAT IS SO AGAINST OUR RIGHTS!!! don't let them make this law! don't let them take away even more of our freedom! bye bye america this makes me sick to my stomach...
ever since those 'terrorist' attacks, they've been passing so many laws that take away our freedom...i'm starting to think that we attacked our own country...there were no terrorists...they just wanted to scare us so that we would give up more and more of our freedom...i mean, notice that the terrorists *didn't* get a chance to hit the most important buildings....hmm
either way, they ARE taking our freedom...little by little so that we don't even notice...
did you know that they passed a law a few years ago that says you can be arrested for ANYTHING....if a cop pulls you over, he has the right to put you in jail for a couple of days for having a missing light on your car, or not wearing a seatbelt.... (this info somes from my government teacher) crazyness
...."Because drug use is a common occurrence at many musical events, this provision will leave the door open for any concert promoter, event organizer, or nightclub owner to be fined and jailed. Under the provisions of the Ecstasy Awareness Act, it doesn’t matter if the event promoter and property owner tried to prevent people from using drugs. Nor does it matter if the vast majority of people attending the event are law-abiding citizens that want to listen to music and not do drugs.
The Ecstasy Awareness Act of 2003 is a dangerous piece of legislation that will suppress free speech and punish innocent business owners for the crimes of their customers. It is vital that voters contact their Representatives and tell them not to co-sponsor this bill. "
i love people that will go out and have random fun in the middle of the night...
back from another after midnight adventure in Mexico! i swear each time is a completely different experience! josh and i got to the club at 2am and the main door was already closed (early!), so we went around to the back door and guess what?! they let us in free!!! that's a miricle!!! that never happens! yeah, so we got to go in for free and the drinks are already free, so it was perfect! anyway, i saw the same irish guy that we met a few weeks ago...and the club was *full* of irish people! very strange! haha ...anyway the DJ played one irish song, and everyone went crazy ... it seems like irish nightclubs must be more fun than ours... everyone was jumping up and down and like hugging in circles and dancing... haha! we left a bit early --at like 4, and we walked back as usual (*normal* people take taxis ... i always walk... mexico doesn't scare me ...), and we decided to sit down on a step and just sit there for fun...(because NO other american would do that!) ...anyway, a police car came creeping by, so we decided it was time to go...and as we were walking, the police followed us and got out of their car and stopped us! they asked to see our IDs and asked if we had any knives/coccain/etc.. and then they searched us! it wasn't a strip-search (thank god!), but it was defiantely a lot more frightening than the usual rave-security search! at least it was a girl that searched me... although, i could tell that she absolutley hated americans... lol anyway, they let us go, didn't take our money, and we are still alive :) so that's good... advice: do not sit down in mexico at 4am. lol. it's not scary at all---just the cops are kinda scary...looking for drugs...
the first time the cops ever stopped me was last year when i was with two 18 year old boys -- they looked at our IDs and asked some questions ... i told them that it was our first time in mexico (it wasn't my first though) they let us go, and said that if we needed any help that they were there for us and stuff...
another time, fights broke out in the line to get back into america...at least 2 fights (you stupid americans!) ...and it was around the time of 9-11...months after. anyway, the federales (or someone?) sprayed tear gas to get rid of the fights and calm down the line... that was kinda freaky... haha
but other than those things, i still think that mexico feels a lot safer than hollywood, and i still feel fine about walking to the clubs there at 2am...
i am a bit shaken up about being searched though ...i knew they'd let us go, but still ... who the hell likes being searched?! it's 6:30am ---time for bed. night night.
so i got rid of the password thing...it was sending me too much email! and chris b. i put the intro song back up for you! but it takes sooooooo long to load!
if i still owe you an email, please yell at me! i spent like 6 hours trying to write everyone back ... possibly i didn't write a few people back... i'm not sure...
i'm so tired i haven't really slept in two days i've tried to rest, but it doesn't work... i've been in bed almost all day i feel so sick, so terrible like having a permanent hangover my body aches all over and i feel so weak... so lifeless it's hard to even get up...
it takes a 16 year old to cheer me up... lol even if the feeling only lasts an hour and a ridiculous aim converstation in bold underlined italicized HUGE letters... and random words that don't make sense! yay for fun! thanks Yoshi :) mush hono itch! you sillt! dammit! i win!
The defination of friendship (taken from a letter to a potential friend)
I keep saying that I have to help you, because that's what friends do. That's how it works to have a real friend. You have to fix your friends' pain. You have to be there for your friend when they need you. Being a friend to someone is also a huge commitment.
People have killed and over used the word friend. It's lost it's meaning, but a friend should never let you down. Friends shouldn't be flaky. Those are not friends, those are people just trying to use each other for their own benefit. Maybe it's to have fun, maybe it's so they are not bored and so on. Most people are just out there to take and not give. They want their own needs met, they want to be listened to, but no one ever wants to listen in return...in fact most people just pretend to listen. I've met very few people that actually do listen. We are just a world of people talking to ourselves...no one's ever listening, no one ever cares...
Anyway, so I'm saying, that I know that you are not asking for anything or wanting anything, but you are wanting my friendship, and although you may not be asking for help, I wouldn't be a true friend if I just decided to ignore your hurt.
the point: friendship is completely unselfish. if you take care of your friends, and they take care of you, it should usually balance out.
All of you people, learn to listen, to be understanding, to look at things from another point of view. learn how to be a good friend. stop being so selfish. and if you are going to be selfish, don't call people your friends.
i remember eating icecream with a big spoon at the park in the middle of night with you...and you didn't care that you had work the next day, you were there and you cared and you kissed away my tears.... even though i had runaway from you at the time...you were there for me always. unselfish love...i wonder if it's still there...? i love you...i miss you... i'm sorry i've been so mean. we should run away together mend our broken world...
and we grow old lose our senses our sensitivity don't connect with others don't get into their heads anymore lose our innocence become scarred hurt by the world become just like the ones that caused us hurt
try try try to remain like a child hold on to what you have once it's gone it's hard to find what you've lost keep yourself hold on tight it's all that you have understanding and selflessness don't become bitter don't really hate listen to others try more than your best to relate
...i just can't write anymore....
it's funny how i still trust. like a child, never think to question what you tell me... and you are smart enough to question me....
why does everything have to be so hard? why can't i have a naive little life like everyone else? why did i have to lose my childhood and everything?
will it ever end? when will i get to just rest? will a week ever go by that isn't filled with tears? sometimes it's so hard to just keep going on. seems so pointless.
thoughts on strippers... since the topic came up...
true, some strippers have "NO" self respect, but not all. most of them don't even understand what self respect is. those kinds of girls are usually girls that are just starved for attention, or had bad parents...didn't get enough love...they just want attention, just like every other human being, just like you... that's the only way they know how to get love - they don't even understand that it's not even the right kind of love... maybe they just want to feel "pretty" ...maybe they just need money... a lot of girls don't even know what self respect is... at least a lot of the ones i've met... bottom line is, most strippers are just very lost, lonely people that need someone to come along and love them, the right way....
.....and there's kind of a horrible double standard for girls... guys hook up with us, and put us on a list, as a victory...the more girls you can get, the better you are... but with girls, when we try to do that VERY SAME THING, we are called sluts, we are said to have no self respect and so on... how is that fair???
i used to think that somehow if i kissed a lot of guys, that it meant that i was actually worth something, that i might actually be pretty, it was like "oh look, someone actually wants to kiss me, lil old me! - i'm special, someone actually wants *me*, it's a miricle..." i know a lot of girls that feel like that... that's what builds their self-esteem.... it's sad, but true for a lot of girls... (it also helps semi-ugly guys to ever get kissed!)
i'm not quite like that anymore...i've learned...the hard way... just because a guy kisses you, doesn't mean you're special to him... in most cases, it just means nothing at all... it's just part of some sick hobby they have... all just for fun, no emotions attached...
i remember when i was little...kissing someone made me feel like i *loved* them... and the love was rarely mutual... *don't kiss someone unless you mean it* someone once told me... why didn't someone tell that to all the people i kissed? why did it never mean anything to them? i learned to put my guard up when kissing... taught myself: kissing = water.... just another way to not get hurt...
this is so scary. the first time in possibly my whole life that i've had $0.00 in my bank account. we went to the grocey store and we could only spend like $8.00 ...i'm so stressed out, i can't take this... my savings account was my security blanket, my stability...and now it's really all gone... it's so wierd to not have money... and an unstable low paying job (web-design) i think i should just go try to get a "real" job it would be nice to make even minimum wage...
so far i've spent $2,500 for rent/the deposit on our apartment. (not counting the furniture!!) chris is supposed to pay me back for it, but i doubt he will ever be able to...we have SO much stuff to pay for... 1) we have REALLY bad brakes ... we've needed new ones for a YEAR now....so yeah that's gonna be like $800+ 2) we have NO car insurence, that's going to be like $1000-$1500 3) we have to re-register our car this month $300 ? 4) chris needs millions of $$ to get to work in LA 5) we have to have $$ for food 6) and then there's rent again in a month 7) eeep! and then my $50 phone bill... 8) and we need to get oil for our car $10+ 9) and chris needs money for college...
and so on.... i'm soooooooooooooo stressed out! i just can't deal with this!
maybe i should go try to be a stripper or something...haha. what a joke! i could never ever do that...i kinda tried once, i walked into the empty building, and just the inside of the building itself terrified me...i ran away quickly! (ok, ok, i admit it, i'm also naive and didn't know that strippers had to get 100% naked ... i thought that they got to wear pretty clothes like
