feelings, thoughts, passion, especially passion, understanding, thinking, relating, love, emotions...
that's what makes us human. that's the reason to exist.
so why do i keep adding pictures and things to this site when i don't want my ideas stolen? i just don't know. i guess i just hope that the dumb little pre-teens/teens will have their own minds and not copy me. lol.
i guess i'm just extremely stupid in that case.
with that said, OH MY GOD, MAY IS ACTUALLY WEARING CLOTHES! lol ....here are pictures of my new orange skirt. i feel mormon! lol (you know, as opposed to wearing tiny shirts and so on like i always do ...lol) my goal is to try to take pictures of my outfits every school day so that when i am 60 years old, i can see what i wore when i was young ... or something.
in other boring news, i dropped my dance class and my art class ... 18-20 units was going to be too many! i was too tired ... couldn't make it through the day without falling asleep! now i'm down to 12 or 16 units...
i was also on the internet on my cell phone today ... lol ... and went to heather's babble blog and chris b's site! lol (i searched for them on google ... i don't know how to type in URLs yet ... lol) i also got a generic red shiny clip on cover for my phone, and black crystal buttons, so it's not ugly stock colored any more. lol [and where am i going to get money to pay my cell phone bill? i just don't know....lol]
i'm doing my best, which is not perfect, to get as much away from the internet as possible. i'm no longer going to be commenting on people's journals, i'm not going to return half my emails, and i'm not going to be talking to most people on aim anymore - the whole reason i ever even had aim was the same reason i have a phone: to (try to) make plans. i like to see people in person. i HATE computers, i want friends not computers.
OH MY GOD! grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT EVER BUY A COMPUTER FROM GATEWAY!!!!!!! so the CD drive broke once ... the thing wouldn't play/record or open, then the speakers, and the moniter has problems, the system is SLOW, and NOW the stupid cd thing is broken AGAIN!!! the CD will not come out!!! the spring to push it out or whatever must be broken! grrrrrrrrrr! GATEWAY SUCKS! (thank god for 3 year warentees) COMPUTERS SUCK! die die die!!! whoever invented computers should be shot!! they are in no way useful for the *good* of society - they brake, cause problems and disorder, and on top of that, they make people anti-social! every one IM's each other instead of calling - or even seeing each other ... IMing should NOT count as communication, not really at least. the end. grrr!
OK. the comments are gone forever. the guestbook is closed too. i finally did it...
it was hard ... and at this point it's not a happy thing, but we "always have to go back to real lives" ....and possibly it's better to just take off the comments than to abandon this whole website...
k, so for anyone that was teasing me about being able to see my nipples in some of my pictures, i have the solution to your problem (of not wanting to see them lol): click here lol and i bought some! today. lol .... i'm going to wear them to that same club, [whenever i get to go!! grrrr!!!] with a white fishnet shirt over! or something like that. lol. today was spend money you don't have day, and so i also bought two shirts from wet seal (on sale for $12 and $6) and a coat from a vintage store, a bright blue vintage skirt, and a lonnnnggg orange/yellow/white/red vintage plaid skirt. and they gave chris his 70's looking white shirt for free ($18 for free -weee!)
the girl that worked at the underground (literally underground-) vintage store (who was part owner with her mom), was 24 years old and looked a lot like sally from the nightmare before christmas, but she had no idea who that was. she was really hyper and strange and interesting and nice....it seemed as though maybe she had never been out of that underground store in her life --- like she was raised there, all by herself with her mother....this surely is not true, but it seems like it... she was white with very long brown hair and wearing a very odd collection of 80's/70's/something?! thrift store clothes. It was like a different world in that store with her ... for a moment everything was happy and fun - like children on the day before christmas... she gave me her numbers and email address - so maybe i have a new friend ... she must have a lot of friends ... 4 came to visit her while we were there ... 2 boys dressed in vintage clothes from her store, and a gothic couple with cat tails. lol. i haven't seen people like that for so long ... it was nice to see different people again ... i really need to get away from ucsd ... everything about ucsd sucks! anyway, she invited me to church tomorrow night - a 'rattle snake' church, she called it. lol and she said there were mainly black people there. she seemed very very excited about it. i've never met anyone quite like her before - very unique in a whole new and different way - possibly i have found another 'real' person.... she seems almost innocent and untouched by the world .... like a child....
at the end of about 24 hours, the sitemeter will be at 100,000... weee! (i know because i get 700-900 visitors a day)
email me if you are the 100,000th visitor! - with my luck, the 100,000th visitor will just go to the main page and then leave, not ever even getting to read this... : (
and i know we have to go
i realize we only get to stay so long
always have to go back to real lives where we belong
where we belong
where we belong ....
and we always have to go i realize
we always have to say goodbye
always have to go back to real lives
but real lives are the reason why
we want to live another life we want to feel another time
another time...
and i know we have to go
i realize we always have to turn away
always have to go back to real lives
but real lives are why we stay
for another dream
another day
for another world
another way
for another way...
one last time before it's over
one last time before the end
one last time before it's time to go again...
you know how a lot of you children [aka teens] hide your blogs and websites from your parents? well, even though i'm 20 and not quite a teenager anymore, and i don't even really have parents, i still *don't* like adults to look at my website or at least adults that i know .... like my aunt and my 40 year old friend patrice .... it's like my thoughts and things i put here are for people closer to my own age mainly or maybe people that i don't know of any age .... you know what i mean? i've gotten to the point where i don't even want most people i know in real life to come here either ... not even the teenagers ... because it seems like no one can understand me at all ... and i fit less into their shallow world once they try to read about me... it just sucks...
it's been over 2 years, since i've been free.
and sometimes we talk about hanging out and sometimes we tell each other that we'd make good friends again, and sometimes we halfway make plans, but it's been over 5 years since i've seen you, and i'm starting to think that maybe we should move on ... maybe it's too hard to go back into the past, what's the point of trying to pick up the pieces when we know that everything in life always goes wrong? why try to be friends again, when we could just be alone?
i've got these memories in my head
and they're making me old
seems experiences change people
they're making my heart grow cold
played a little too hard
oh, i grew up way too fast
and it wasn't just make believe
your face; etched forever in my past
i've loved more than once too many
and the tears just won't stop falling down
mistakes like rain, they haunt me
and i think that i might just drown
i've got these memories in my head
and they're making me old
seems experiences change people
they're making my heart grow cold
to think i could have loved you
oh, i had even given you my soul
you still have a little part of me
and there is nothing that can fill the hole
and somehow they call this life
when you and i have been killing ourselves for years
destroying ouselves, making mistakes
all the while holding back our tears
i've got these memories in my head
and they're making me old
seems experiences change people
they're making my heart grow cold
sorority girls... that's who i went dancing with. they are cicely's soriety sisters. as soon as they came into her house, they were talking and gossiping about this girl and then that girl, the way this girl claps her hands stupidly, and on and on and on.
not a good first impression.
makes me think, HOW could anyone feel *safe* having those girls for friends? with a guarentee that they will talk about you behind your back? fun!!
they were kinda fun to dance with. but i hate hip hop. i'm looking for something more complex, for people with the same interests as me. i want people that have been to more than one rave, i want people that want to go to electro clubs. i want people that DON'T gossip. i want people that seek to find knowledge and music, past the normal mainstream things that the media feeds us.
do you know what i mean?
aside from the gossiping, they turned out to be pretty neat people to hang out with. but just not my style. been there, done that. i'm WAY over hiphop i never even liked it, i just delt with it. i've already tried to be friends with soriety girls two years ago.... why did i leave them? 1) not my type AT ALL!! [the only the we have in common is dancing!] 2) GOSSIP 3) they were mean to people for no reason 4) it gets old 5) boring 6) not mentally stimulating 7) do i really have to give all 3583053205 reasons? lol
anyways these newest soriety girl aquaintences wanted me to rush for their soriety .... that's a first! lol ... but no way dude! i will not PAY to have friends! lol everything about sorieties discust me, right down to their stupid greek letters "Go alpha phi!" "yay for pi-phi! " 'like oh my god, delta delta delta is sooo cool!" LOL
not only will i not pay for friends, but WHY would anyone want friends that gossip?! just WHY?! lol maybe that's how all girls are .... i don't know .... if they do, then i give up!!
where are all the people that i want to be friends with? where?!!!
i just can't seem to relate to these people and their lives. we are not the same. i'm somehow not a normal girl. i don't understand other girls. we have nothing in common. like a cat and a spider trying to be friends .... just doesn''t work....
school was today. my classes seem too hard and too boring. it was FREEZING at school in la jolla ... Alaska when snowing is warmer feeling!! (NOT joking!) i just hate college so much!!!! i want to drop out.
a boy did try to make friends with me in physics class though. that's a first. at least hopefully i'll have him to sit next to in that class ... i hate when i'm all alone in classes ... why don't girls ever try to make friends with me?!?
i also saw anna and brian today : ) i want to hang out with them more (and dan and vera) ... it just doesn't seem possible though ... they've all been friends since freshman year, and as usual, i came too late... they bonded, and i didn't bond with them i didn't know them then ...
oh well, maybe *one* day i will have my *own* group of friends ...
oh and i do get to going dancing with cicely tonight (the girl that bit my arm and poured water on me in TJ ... lol) but it doesn't seem so exciting ....i haven't had much sleep in two days ... i'm sooooooo tired .... and we have to leave early because she has work early tomorrow (poor thing!) and also because i'm so SICK of retarded hip hop music ... i can't stand it any more! lol i want to go to an electro or 80's club again! i haven't been in like a year! oh well, one day i will have a car and i will go out allll the time! even if i have to be alone! lol
oh my godness! i found it!!! this is the billboard by my house...it's the funniest thing ever. a drunk guy kissing a fish ...i SO am that guy! lol. i would kiss a fish when drunk! alcohol *really* does impair judgement... at least when you are me it does... maybe because i only drink like twice a year .. lol
a couple more days and we will have a total 100,000 visitors on the site meter thing! yay! i say 'we' because this site kinda belongs to you guys that comment/come here alot ... at least it feels that way to me. : )
tomorrow is school. nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! i'm so not even ready. i don't even know what my classes are or when they start or end! lol i'm going to go look right now ... lol
haha! i'm starting to love these! the people that are mean in my guestbook, they come like once every month or so, too scared to put their name, email address, or website. not to mention that instead of emailing me, like a normal mature person, they purposely write it in my guestbook so that everyone else will see! oh no! *gasp* my entire life is ruined! *faints*
LOL
and here we go, be prepared to laugh you head off:
"i think you are fake.... you act like you dont have anything.... you are a hypocrit.... your always like "i cant be sterotyped" that is bullshit.... you "claim" to like punk but you are nothing like it.... i could keep going on and on..... i think you need to get off your ass and stop putting shit in this fucking website thing... its a waste of your time... and you wonder why you never get to do anything?? (or you make people think you never get to do anything so they can relate to you?) what ever the case though you just need to stop using the fucking computer..... stop pretending to be someone you arent" IP #: 68.85.205.234 from 'no need for a name'
ok first, WHY would i want internet people to relate to me? WHY!!? lol i hate internet people - i hate that i can't see them or touch them...all i want is *real* friends!
i never get to do anything, because my boyfriend is always working, i don't have any real friends, and no one will ever hang out with me (almost). i'm always asking the few people that i *know* if they want to go dancing, etc ... no one ever does.
the people that i've met in real life from the internet don't make good friends, because they are always on the internet! lol (except for michelle - i love her but she lives 3 hours away)
i am on the internet BECAUSE i have nothing to do .... it doesn't cause me to not get to do anything! why would i make people "think that i don't get to do anything" ????!! wouldn't it be the opposite? wouldn't i want to "brag" about getting to go somewhere? i'm pretty sure i've written down everytime i've gone out! lol
and hello, duh?! idiot....um .... sure, yeah, that's it, i REALLY go out all the time, and i just lie to you guys and say that i don't every go anywhere, THAT'S WHY i post 20 times a day at all different times of the day and night .... cuz you know, i can do that when i'm NOT home....
lol ... people should really do some more research before they start judging!!!!
i have this huge feeling that this person came from either lipstickparty or makeoutclub ... the people on there are exactley one of the kinds of people i HATE ... the ones that put their friends down and try to be better than each other by all the bands they listen to... like if you listen to bright eyes, blonde redhead and hot hot heat and some other 'cool' bands that they like, and then you throw in the julia theory (i still don't know who they are! lol), then you have HORRIBLE taste in music! you listen to one bad band so it ruins you, you must be fake, you this, and you that. it's absolutely insane! oh and by the way, i'm pretty sure that since hot hot heat made it to the radio, it is NOT 'cool' to listen to them anymore! that is how these people work! which is why i keep searching for better people ....
okay, and the last thing....FAKE?? me, fake? well then what does that make the rest of the people in this world?!!! super ultra double triple extra fake???! lol
i am far from fake! i admit i've *tried* to fit in with many types of people, but that's easy because parts of me fit in with different types of people ... i love raves and rave music ... so i can hang out with those people, i love punk and i used to love punk shows, so i can kinda SORTA hang out with those people...but those people are hard to find, they are usually just faked trying to act all "hard" ....i've tried VERY hard to fit in with soriety girls [they were my roomates, ewww] ... 2 years ago, WOW was that hell ... i tried to dress more "normal" but failed miserably ... my eyeshadow was never natural enough ... my jeans were never the right brand ...and i always felt ugly and boring...i never felt like i could compete with them and win ... my hair looked "cheap" i couldn't relate to the way they talked about boys, or went to the gym...with makeup on! and they were such backstabbing bitches ... and all they were good for was parties, but those parties were HELL.... SO boring and SO stupid.... no wonder people drink at parties! i haven't been to a party in almost 2 years thanks to that!! lol ... never again! (i went to a 'rave' house party though - that was kinda fun) anyway, i've always hung out with 'gothic' type people ....i'm not sure HOW that happened ... lol .... i definatley didn't have much in common with them.... they were mainly fake ones, so they were sluts, and always talking about how they were going to kill themsleves -trying to get attention!!
blah. blah. blah.
i could write a book...
anyway, we ALL know that i'm not fake in any way (except for my lovely plastic straw-like blonde hair! LOL) ....i'm trying really hard to think, and i don't think there's one fake thing about me...except for maybe the fact that i go to school even though i hate it- but that's not fake, that's just being responsible or 'smart' ....
who does this guy think i'm pretending to be?!! i don't get it. i'm really curious! does he think i'm some 'blonde girl' pretending to be 'deep, dark, and sucidal' or what is it? maybe he will come back and tell us! : ) i don't know why i think it's a "he" ... it's probably a girl ... they are mostly bitches like that ...although, as we have expierced before, some guys are just a little too "metrosexual' lol ... and they are verging on gay by gossiping like girls - it dicusts me when guys are like that! lol i've pretended to be 'dumb' a lot of my life - when i was much younger - cuz you know, you get made fun of if you are "smart' in elementary school ... i didn't ever want to get made fun of like those people did ... i got enough abuse from not having new or nice enough clothes, and being named 'may' ...
anyways, that is my book. i'm done now. lol
my best internet friend saw the comment and said ...oh well i only have half of what he said: "we should kill them lol they can go on our list" he also said "no need for a name cause you suck!" in my guestbook - even with his email address attached, so THERE. lol.
but, as i am studying to be dictator of america (i have 4 votes now! lol) i will practice censorship and delete that, and the evil comment out of my guestbook. although the loving evil comment will always have a home here in my waste of time blog : )
lol
so i'm trying to take the comments/guestbook/email things off....and i just can't. lol. i can't even touch the code! maybe once school starts i'll be able to get away from this computer. how can i be so addicted to something i hate so much?
but isn't it always that way...
wow. i can't use any search engines at all! i don't know how this happened, but msn and yahoo results don't work,and i get this when i go to google now:
"Are you trying to get to Google?
Your computer is running software that doesn?t allow you to use Google.
You?re seeing this page because your computer is trying to send you to a website that is pretending to be Google. Over the past few weeks, you may have seen a website that looks like Google, but launches pop-up windows and does not work like Google. That page is not affiliated with Google in any way and is intended to deceive you.
Why is this happening?
Most likely a program was installed on your computer automatically and without your knowledge when you downloaded an otherwise harmless piece of software. Or you may have been tricked into clicking on a disguised download button while visiting a website. "
um, so yeah, eeeep!?! lol
i'm trying to fix it now... has this happened to anyone else????
update: i fixed it. it was a "parasite" lol
chris and i both got new cell phones today. he claims he needs one for work and can't live (work) without one. i got one so that i can leave the internet on and not worry about someone trying to call.
so we have year long contracts that say we have to pay a total of $90 a month for both plus taxes. (= $105/month or so?) another bill that i will have to stress out about and worry over for the next year. i HATE contracts! what if you lose your job and run out of money? then what?
unnatural heartbrake
doesn't heal
doesn't ever go away
and i keep holding back the tears
trying to forget
but i brake down all the time
i can't get back to where i was going
and i can't go forward
all mixed up
and incomplete
yeah, that is me.
holding on to broken dreams
wanting what no longer exists
trying to get home
trying to get back.
another lost cause
memories fade away
faces are gone
places are obsolete
and while i search
i find everything has changed
and you're not around
not who i remember you to be
and i just can't get back
to who i was before
i can't seem to find
what i've lost.
made myself all wrong
oh so lost
don't fit in here
don't fit in there
i took a piece of everything
and made myself all wrong
//
who am i? where do i belong?
why is there no one who understands?
i'm not that different from you
but maybe i am
//
oh so lost
i search in here
i search in there
i can't seem to find my place
i want someone like me.
life
spinning out of control
like a dying
unwinding tape
(blowing in the wind)
in slow motion
out of tune
like dying batteries
an out of tune note
something's just not right
can never get home
no matter how hard i try
the ocean's blue
the only thing that's the same
when everything has changed
memories are gone
places changed
and i'm not the same
tainted like the water
and i can't get back
to my purest form
can't find the source
can never get home.
random thoughts, many tears.
random thoughts
many tears
i want someone
to understand.
my scattered mind
my tattered hair
i've lost myself again.
thoughts
too many thoughts
flood my head
too weak for action
drowning in my own mind.
but i just can't.
want to matter
want to mean something
want to be heard
want to be something
want to escape the pressure
want to love again
want to live again
want to remember my dreams
want to do something
but i just can't.
i become what i pretend
underneath the skin
your lies seep from within
i play my part so well
i become what i pretend
carefully placed within her box
she's scared to make mistakes
carefully placed within her box
too scared to come out
she doesn't want to be wrong
perfection or nothing at all
and the words coming out of her mouth
a heartless echo of her dreams
and she's not what she seems
a windowless soul trapped inside
of her twisted mind.
cat scratch fever
like a cat.
i like to be touched
and i don't like you
but i'll stay for the food
chorus:
i knock you down
you come back up
i scratch you bad
you still follow me around
you try to make me love you
but i'd rather scratch your eyes out
and you always want to pet me
but i just want to get away
it was Jason from the band Convoy ... when i met him, and saw how badly he sang, and that he was on the radio, that is what made me think, if HE can be on the radio, then i can be in a band too! lol ...all my bands have failed horribly though ...either they don't practice, or i don't have time to.... maybe someday.... and i'm perfectly aware that i don't sing in key, but i like it that way. so there. lol
*reading old journal*
in 8th and 9th grade, all i ever wanted was Corey Kidder, the nicest, cutest most popular boy in school. it's so sad, i was always too shy to tell him that i liked him...i don't think he would have ever gone out with me though. i was brave enough to make friends with him though. lol. a big step for a shy person. lol. all i ever wanted was a boyfriend *at* school, but for some reason, boys at school never seemed to like me. : ( i was always 'stuck' with boys that went to other schools ... all i ever wanted was someone to hold hands with at school .... someone to bring me a rose on valentine's day. i wanted what all the other girls always had.... do you know what i mean?
haha
does anyone remember when making out was called "scamming" ? or was that only in Anaheim, CA ?
what about "4U2C only" written on a letter? do junior high kids still write letters to each other? i have over 500 letters mainly from 8th grade. we all used to write letters and fold them all prettily....
and how many guys have said to me "it doesn't matter, she's stupid anyways" about another girl? guys are such backstabbers!
at only 3 years of being taken away from my mom, (age 14) i still had some life left in me. amazing. i remember how hard things were back then. it's because i had hope that i was still alive at all. By age 18, i was dead completely.
oh if you wanted a $3 autographed picture of me, give me your address & money asap. i'm not going to get the pictures made until i have the money/addresses ...so far i only have money/addresses from a few people... so yeah, hurry if you really wanted a picture. lol
things that i need to get done in less than two days:
1. clean closet
2. get new cell phone (either that or brake the computer)
3. find and buy huge bright pink hair ribbon (lol) and also a red scarf
4. go through old papers
5. think, cry maybe (haha)
6. type up all poems written on paper in the last year+ (help!)
7. type some other stuff
8. smash computer
9. possibly remove guestbook/comments/email address
10. go to bed at a normal time (say 11pm maybe ?)
11. give forum password and user name to whoever wants to be in charge of it.
12. stop commenting on people's blogs. forever
13. stop talking on AIM
14. get off the computer!
15. eat ?
16. and more stuff...i just haven't thought of it yet.
school starts on thursday! i don't want to go! don't make me go! noooo! i hate it there! i hate everything about that school and the shallow people that go there! nooooooo! i'm going to die of depression!
i love these songs:
'paint it black' by the rolling stones
'dirty trip' & 'playground love' by air
download them if you haven't heard them. 'dirty trip' & 'playground love' are from the movie 'the virgin suicides' ...
oh and you have to see that movie too:
Doctor: 'You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets.'
Cecilia: 'Obviously, doctor, you've never been a 13-year-old girl.'
okay i'm feeling a little bit better...not thinking so much. thinking is evil. lol still haven't gone to bed yet.
oh my goodness: heaven ...one day hopefully i'll get time to read them [all].
i guess i've hurt people too...
i'm sorry ....
i never meant to take your heart and brake it
i meant to keep it forever...
broken people just brake other people...
without trying...
he said "you were perfect.... i'm wishing for christmas that someday you will fall [back] in love [with me] the way you fell out...."
i really need to stop looking in this box of old stuff!
pandora's box! god! lol listening to the cure doesn't help either!
don't run away from reality...
that's how you heal
that's what the book said.
what if there is no reality?
what if reality is too horrible to face?
what if reality kills you?
what if reality will keep you broken forever?
I'm reading the research paper i wrote in 11th grade on "human emotions" ...it's nice to see something that at least makes a little sense ... making feelings into a logical pattern .... something we can understand and figure out, like math.
when does the nightmare end?
when does life begin?
i've been waiting so many years
holding my breath
hanging on by just a thread.
i've been dead all these years
pretending to breathe, pretending to live
and i can change my name a thousand times
for each new game
but i'll never be able to escape this pain.
i can be whatever i want to be
play which ever game i choose
i can play shallow, i can play dead
but i'm never going to win this way
i'm just trying to pass the time.
i keep holding my breath,
pretending to breathe
but i'm not alive
hanging on by just a thread
i'm waiting for this nightmare end...
i'm waiting for this nightmare end....
i'm waiting for this nightmare end......
wake up now...
she hides her broken dreams inside a box
out of sight, out of mind
cover it up with something fake
fill the space
fill the time
whatever you do,
little girl
just don't think.
block out the memories
that happiness is gone for good
forget all you can
to block out the pain
it will never be the same
this is how you survive,
little girl
this is how you survive.
maybe i'm trying to prove that i was once real
that i once existed
even if life didn't go the way it was supposed to
i still existed.
i did.
i didn't ever get to be a child, i can't keep going on this way
it's just too much
i just need to cry for years
it's too hard to go to college
it's too hard to live
there's something i want to say
there's something i want to prove
that's why i go on like this....
....but i just don't know what it is...
looking through an old box
of what i have left
the remnants of my life
song lyrics i wrote at age 9
a picture i drew last year
my swimming lesson "tadpole" card from 1987
the things that i wanted to show you
that i wanted to scan in
but i won't...
because i don't see the point...
what am i trying to say?
what am i trying to prove???
can anyone tell me?
crying a lot again lately
i want to go home
i want to go back
i have to get back to then
does the pain ever end?
...i guess that's why i try not to think anymore...
i guess that's what i'm running from
push down the happy memories
they'll only make me cry
i want to go back
go back in time
it's not some simple dream
it's all i that want.
it's all i ever wanted.
i want to go back to the house i lived in when i was age 3-6
i want my old mom to be waiting for me when i get home.
i want my old cat to be there
and my friends ... i used to have friends
i want everything to be the same
and i want to live forever in that moment
where there was no pain
before there was ever any pain....
....all i have left of that life is a small box with a couple toys
and memories...
but that life is gone
that mother is dead
and that little girl is forever stuck in time....
in case you are too shallow to get through all the poems/songs to get to all of yesterday's writings, i'll tell you here: the picture page was updated yesterday. but if you are only looking at my pictures without reading my words, you have been warned: i don't like you.
the way you paint with your words
makes me think that i'd love to love you
love to be in love with the way you love
and bask in your dreams that way
but i know that it's all just make believe
nothing but a silly game
and you are a million worlds away.
i am so in love with the cure. still.
they are the best band ever.
so beautiful and depressing at the same time.
like love.
listening to: "there is no if..."
okay, the picture page is 100% updated with all the newest links and 8 new thumbnails. i also added a note to the 'sickos' of this world (go read it) i also took off the picture box thing ... too much trouble ... it's hard enough to update my pictures as it is! i'm also going to transfer the last of my angelfire pix over to my site ... yay ...it only took 7 months or so ... lol
ok, so usually when i do a photo shoot, i take like 60-200 pictures in order to get like 8 "okay" pictures...
(yeah, see, you knew i was really ugly!! told you!!)
but last night i was taking pictures and i could just NOT get the pictures to look how i wanted, and so i ended up taking 390 pictures without even noticing! lol (no wonder i was so tired!! lol) it all goes to prove that real film is much better than digital ... you can get 8 "okay" pictures from about 27 real film pictures ... you don't need to take 200+ like with digital... (thank god!)
anyway, so according to me last night, ALL the 390 pictures sucked, and i deleted many of them ... but now that i look at them again, some of them aren't *that* bad ... and since i went to all the work of taking them, i'm putting like 30-40 of them up instead of the usual 8 or so. lol
new ugly pix:
trashy hair (playing dress up with my hair)
coffee and cream (my outfit when we went out to coffee last night)
and here are some old pix from when my hair was red and blue: mod color
i'm thinking about taking the comments function off my site, and the guestbook, and the email thing. i spend too much time checking comments and email...
it's either that, or i abandon this website altogether.
you can't go anywhere in life when your time is being sucked away into nothingness ('cyberspace').
i'm already a third year in college, but somehow i can remember the exact color of the bright green grass on a pretty crisp cloudy day, beneath the tree i used to climb when i was 7. i remember how i could almost see color in our black and white tv. i remember a movie poster on the wall of an odly quiet movie theatre near my house. the yellow sticker on my favorite homemade style brownies from the little cafe. i remember looking at the light brown and dark brown m&m colors while lining them up on a table at a resteraunt with my mother. the black and white floor in the hallway outside of the drug store. mother on the pay phone. the red bus station. eating snow in bowls and cups by the fireplace with my friend lauren. the way seward was so free seeming at christmas time. mother crying on the floor. building an igloo with my friends to play in. the little boy that my mother said liked me. swinging on the swings at school in a light pink dress when i was 6, thinking alaska isn't cold, it's warm, and no snow yet. iceskating. rollerskating. the way i decided that i was going to go to college when i grew up, even though i didn't want to go. feeling like i had lived 114 years already. rubber boots. a girl's clover necklace at school. carrots and chocolate pudding. the closet doors. taking a cab with my mom. walking. the smell of the buses in the snow. icicles hanging from houses. the way the world could seem so still and magic sometimes. the way i was happy. the way i lived inside my own little world. the way i understood my mother's grieving over my dad. the way things used to be. the way things should have stayed forever....
and now here i am. all grown up in a way. but i am still that little girl. i have been damaged, but i haven't changed. my mind is still the same. then and now i still feel over 100 years old... then and now i think the same. then and now i could give you the same advice. then and now i could understand more than anyone should ever understand.
only now i'm so damaged. each happy memory is just pain. each memory of that mother is torture. of that life. and i've cried a million tears for that world. but it won't come back. and i used to search for that world, but it no longer remains. it left me behind. that mother is gone. replaced by a person that i don't even know, a bitter woman that i don't even want to try to understand. and i will never be able to go home. i will always be stuck here. in the middle of nowhere. lost in space and time. filling my life with stupid things to pass away the time. webdesign. email. dancing. school. homework. worrying. anything.
anything that will keep me from thinking.
anything that will keep me from remembering the way life used to be. the way i used to be happy. the way i used to be alive.
YAY! please visit (and post in!) the brand new forum!! it's not hosted on my site, but oh well...
so everybody go register and post in the forum! now! lol
you can post about anything basically, and you can also ask html/code questions.
the *shortcut* to the forum is: http://www.maystardesigns.com/forum.html, incase you are one of those people that likes to type things in directly...there's a redirect thing set up on that page :)
also, i finally put up the last 4 buttons that jen made me! thanks jen!
if you lived in reality, you would be dead right now.
everyone creates their own little worlds or bubbles to live in. everyone. that is how we survive. at least in america. some people create false realities on the internet, chatting away on aim, writing, listening to music, others go out with their friends constantly, talk on the phone, go to the mall, flirt with boys, others go to raves, others do drugs, others eat a lot, some write poetry, some play sports.
...all these things cover up reality. distract our minds from the truth. we go on in these pointless lives, worrying about bills, chasing after money, aquiring things, trying to impress people, and so on and on.
and it is all pointless. all for nothing. all just to DIE in the end. and all the pain we go through, all the things we survive through - it's all for nothing. that is reality. reality is realizing that every moment we breathe is pointless. everything we do is pointless. reality is realizing that people are all selfish and only care about themselves. and so on...
when people realize what reality is, they kill themselves. and that is where suicide comes from. when things are going bad, and you just don't want to deal with them anymore, don't want to struggle through them, because you know, in the end, you are going to just die anyway, and you know that if you live, you are just going to do everything you do for no reason at all. that anything you accomplish will be pointless. that will go through more painful things and keep meeting the same kinds of selfish stupid people....
if i died my hair black
would you understand me?
if i looked differently
would you accept me?
if you're so deep
and understanding
why would judge me
by the way i look?
if you're that real and great,
why don't you try to look past
what you see with your eyes?
and you may never get to know me
because of your shallow judging skills
and that would just prove
that you weren't the people
that i was looking for anyway
that would just tell me
that you are no better
than those same blonde people
that you try to avoid...
(no, this is not for you. i wrote this for 'whoever' which could include you, but is not specifically you.)
k so that scary dream i had, was supposed to be about chrisb, but totally didn't fit him AT ALL, and my friend and i though that it was about this other guy.
then the other guy IMs me and asks me who my dream is about, i say "chrisb, but maybe it's about you".... and he says:
well your described my room
I have wood walls
a black chair
a black phone
dark blue carpet
and clutter everywhere
a tv
a desk
but no knife.
THAT IS SO TRIPPY!! TWILIGHT ZONE!
the knife was interpreted by my friend at an earlier time:
(so the 'other guy' shouldn't have a knife)
my friend says
" I see a resemeblance to your suicide story
with that guy that came to visit you when you were suicidal.
the skin color difference is because you see him as deceptive
changing depending on the situation...to fit his needs.
the kiss is obvious.
he wants you, you don't want him
the knife in his pants
is symbolic of your (poor) attempt with the knife."
---------------------
The other guy came to see me the day i tried to jump out the window, (and also i looked at a knife).
He was totally unsympathetic (as was everyone else) and just wanted me to go to his house! didn't care that if the window had not closed on me, i would have DIED.... just selfish as always. Then later he tries to kiss me?! It's like, hello?! NO! and then he gets mad at me for just laying in bed and not wanting to do anything, it's like HELLO?! I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF TODAY AND I'M OBVOIUSLY NOT FEELING WELL, EXTREMELY DEPRESSED, and you get mad at me for wanting to lay in bed?!!
and here i am lifeless, with no makeup on, my hair is a mess, my room is a wreck due to a fight with my mom. just a crazy day, and all he could think of was himself and getting what he wanted.
this is what happens when my chris is away. : (
anyway, that is SOOOOOOOOOOOO FREAKY that i dreamt about his room even though i've never been there!!!!!!!!!
i need to take some time off from this computer. get ready for school and stuff.
someone help me stay away!
when school starts, i won't be on the computer as much, and anyone that IMs me all the time is going to have to learn to live without me, because i won't have time for AIM...sorry guys : )
i had this terrible dream that i met you real life.... i guess we had started talking on the phone, and still friends as always, i guess you now lived or had always lived in my apartment building. finally you convinced me to meet you in person. you went outside my window with a sign of somesort. (maybe something that said something similar to 'no war' or so?) your race was different ... some shade of dark skin and not white like the pictures i had seen of you. confusion. you seemed safe and so i let you in my house, or maybe it was i that entered yours. I think it was yours. The room was darkly furnished. wood colored walls and a dark colored arm chair upon which you sat. Dark colored carpet and a lot of clutter everywhere, a tv, a desk, come other furniture, all in the same room. in your hand was a black remote or a phone. i came over and sat on the floor by your chair to talk to you. You now where white, and not that other race. You tried to force me to kiss you, very forceful. even though you had said that you would never kiss me or even try to kiss me because you cared about me and didn't want to ruin my relationship with chris or our friendship. but there you were, holding my head, talking to me, trying to get me to kiss you back. you had a dagger- looking 'knife' in your belt, under your jacket, in such a way that the blade pointed upward and came to the bottom of your chest or so. you said you always carried this knife. terror. i can't quite remember everything, but i know that somehow i got away from you. and you kept stalking me everyday after that. terror. fear. i can't remember much more...
added a few new unquist members last night. they all seem to lack pictures at this point :(
p.s.
wow. i've gotten over 100 comments this week! that's like 1/10 th of all my comments ever! thanks for commenting you guys! (okay, now you are all going to *stop* commenting, aren't you? lol i know you .... hahaha)
from 8/9/03
always running backwards in circles
never getting anywhere.
[maybe your dreams were for me, darling friend.]
i wrote this some time ago:
i'll hide this pain
i'll drown myself in tears
so that you can go on believing
that everything is fine
i'll kill myself
so that you won't feel the pain.
it's sad to know
that you could put all your trust into someone
for once and give them what they wanted,
even though you didn't really want to.
but you don't know why you did just to have them brake you
brake your trust brake your world
just because they wanted to.
and you wonder why i can't find real friends...
i think sometimes i live in constant fear
i hope you got what you wanted... again.
we picked up my record player from UPS today. and it's actually very pretty! it's silver :) even though it's from 1978, it looks much much better than my friend's technics turntable from 1995! lol
of course, with my luck, the belt broke the second we touched it.. it basically crumbled ... as you can see here, the price to replace the stupid little rubberband looking belt is $17.90 for my SL-220 ....that really sucks! that much for a rubberband thing?! lol of course, it won't work without it ... but yeah ...lol
i also still have to get speakers ... hopefully we can find some that don't require a mixer. that's what my friend has, i'll have to ask him... either that, or chris can always cut the precious wires on my turntable and hook it up to our current house speakers ... but i don't want them cut! lol
it's kinda funny, i was reading about technics and it turns out they were created to use as home record players, and not for DJ's ... haha.... although now they are marketed torwards them...
it's funny how my index page says: "open-minded people only please." as if anyone would actually ever admit to being close-minded! i think most people don't even know they are closed-minded!
I've gotten this question a couple times now:
"you have a great body. do you have a certain workout? like what excercises do you do to stay in such great shape?" i've been also asked for my beauty secrets.
so here you guys go: exercise: typing and sitting here all day long bored to death. no gyms, no excercise. nothing.
food: lots of pizza, candy, ice cream, cookies.
sleep: only 2-4 hours hours of sleep a day! wee! make sure to stay on the computer AT LEAST 20 hours a day. sometimes you should stay up for 53 hours!
basically, what i'm trying to say, is that my skin looks horrible, i have lovehandles, no muscles, and so on. i'm not in shape at all!
the secret to looking like me is only buying clothes that look good on your body and not trying to wear something that doesn't, even if it is the cutest thing ever. SO MANY people cram into tiny clothes that make them look fat, even when they are not! wear bigger clothes - look skinnier.
only put up "ok" pictures of yourself, tear the other ones to bits, or delete all 200 of them from your computer! lol
and the best exercise, is going dancing three times a week and rollerskating - also climbing trees and playing hide and go seek! i don't really have any friends, so i don't get to do these things often, so here i sit, at the computer i hate.
the end.
you waited for me
and i waited for you
and we both waited together
seperately.
p.s. does anyone know that i have a mailing list? it would be on this main page, but i don't know where to put it!! maybe i will try to put it up again sometime...
sign up for picture, song, and major site updates
(NO, not every time i post! then you would get 3823580235 emails a month! lol)
I only send out updates about once a month or so. It really depends.
Oh my goodness!! My email account has 772 emails in the SENT items folder!! And that's only from the last 2 months!!!
No wonder i hate returning emails so much now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
words that are so ugly that i think they should be deleted from the english language, even if they are not officially there:
homie
funky
nerd
horny
actually, i changed my mind, they are so ugly that i can't bear to type any more of them!
what words do you hate? (then i can maybe agree with you without having to type them!)
i'm also sick of the words 'rant' and 'musings' because they have been overused on blogs, but i don't have that much of a problem with them. they can stay in the dictionary. lol
hey, if you were born in america, or another english speaking country, LEARN ENGLISH !
someone i don't know left this comment in my guestbook:
hahaas. .nt bad nt bad. .quite nice..keep it up mann. .bt i sure knew dat u din do it all bt yaself hahas. .=p angeeel is so clever!! bt rem. .i don reali lyk cuz its too BLACK!! veh dark laaa.it shuld b more colourful..lyk da way how andrew added so many different colours 2 my life. hahahas see yaaa. .*love yaaa
from angeeel
possibly they hit a link from someone else's website that is linked to my guestbook, which has happened in the past, but still, how can ANYONE sound that dumb?!!
do they think they are "cute" for writing that way??!! it doesn't even make sense! grrrr. stupid nowadays kids. it's all the internet's fault! i wonder what they will be like when they are 40 and have real jobs...i'm dealthly afraid! lol
meet bob------>>>>> bob is my invisible friend/cartoon character that i draw (he looks different on paper). he was born in 1998. my friend kristi and i used to go outside and play some form of basketball (i hate basketball! she dragged me!) so that we could go talk to boys (the grouphome we lived at didn't want you to talk to boys). anyway, we named the basketball "bob."
later the front door of our house would open . by itself all the time - so we would say that it was "bob" and he became our invisible friend. chris also was 'friends' with bob. it was our inside joke. when kristi moved away, we wrote the name bob on a piece of paper and cut it in half. we each took half of that "bob" and never saw each other again.
a few years later, on the train going to morro bay, or maybe coming back, i was trying to come up with a cartoon character of my own (since chris has one from when he was younger -Ally the cat) and i came up with this alien creature with no arms. bob then became visible again, but he will forever be my invisible friend.
so what do you guys think of the new blogger? it kinda feels like it came too late...you know, spell check? i have a year's worth of posts with typos and more typos ...i tryed to use the new spell check, and it stops everytime i didn't capitalize something. well i don't want to capitalize anything! caps are ugly! i wish that it would just check the 'spelling' not the caps. posting to the past seems like lying, and so does changing the date and time....i think i would have loved to have these a year ago! but i have gotten so used to just 'dealing' with the crappy version of blogger, that *nothing* seems better than it! haha oh and the title fields...too late for those too! i'd have to go back and title all my posts! not to mention recode my template to make the titles work! grrr. i think i DO like the upload file thing ... it hosts it on my site... but it even feels kinda too late for that too ... i've gotten used to not having pictures on my site (before i got this domain/hosting) .... lol and also the more pictures you have, the longer your site takes to load....i already have so much code that my site already takes 5 years to load! esp. if you have kazaa turned on!
okay, another night spent returning emails. some were from over a month ago! i still have like 60 more to go. i'm determined to reply to them all!!!!!! i want them OUT of my inbox!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol
please do not email me for help! i can't take it anymore! i HATE code. and as soon as i feel like facing even more code, i intend to close all forms of ordering designs from me. i just can't do it anymore. i hate webdesign with a passion!!!!!!!
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!! HATE!
lol
i'm currently working on our unquists site.. more code .. yuck! i still need to do my clothing site (i abandoned it awhile ago - i still have about 35259560546 more hours of coding to do on it.) i think that i may never finish it....
and really maybe i'd be better off if i just deleted my entire website so that i could get away from this ball and chain of a computer.
to make my life even more filled with computers, i'm actively trying to get the forum up ... the whole point of having a forum was so that people could ask for html help in there and not email me but i really only want to have it if it's customized the way i want it. so that will be at LEAST another 300 hours of work. and then maintaining it. and i think the whole point of it (according my my webhost) was to get more people to keep coming back to my site ... but WHY DO I WANT THAT? that just means more email and more writing in my blog... more time spent on the computer...
i'm not sure what i'm doing anymore. i'm starting to hate compliments, hate emails, hate everything, but at the same time if i don't get them i feel sad or lonely...
i make no sense. haha. i think it would REALLY be good for me if i just abandoned all these projects, this whole site, everything and go out and have a real life ....
.....but i can't.
there are no real people to hang out with. a few SOMETIMES, but that's all.
i made the screenname: x anti digital x
(because i hate digital cameras, not to mention computers and so on)
anyway, does anyone want the screename? lol i already have like 20.
oh, for fun, does anybody want an autographed picture of me printed at a realllllly cool place? i think it will cost like $3 for a reprint at this place ...not sure... so if you want a picture and have $3 and an address, let me know.... : ) i'm sending one to my friend, so i was just wondering if anyone else wants one ... come on, you know you want an autogaphed picture of a web designer.... LOL ...maybe i'll be a famous actress one day (yeah right) i am a theatre major, you know! lol haha ...
p.s. does anyone know that i don't know how to type? i just type whatever way i feel like. i've always been 100% against learning how to type... ever since 4th grade when they tried to make us learn, and i even got an A+ in my typing class in 7th grade without ever learning to type. lol i look at the keys when i type most of the time and just use like 5 fingers or so :)
in response to your comments:
I agree, it's more fun to stand out - "to belong to a normal group of people and stand out" ... but that's kind of a selfish thing - trying to get attention, almost.
anyway, a bunch of unique people wouldn't look the same .... they would all stand out and so people would get confused. lol
one point of having a group of unique people is for people that need something to cling to because sometimes it's hard to be all alone. it's hard to be different in this world -you constantly get criticized, sometimes yelled at, stared at, etc...
another reason: it's fun to belong to something sometimes. not to conform. because you want to.
another: I MADE THIS UP, and by my defination, these people should try to be nice/etc/ so that they can TRUST other people in the group .... and not be criticized, etc ... like a SAFE place ....
comprende?
another: note how there aren't really any rules, kinda, it says TRY TO, not you are required to be. it says and "ideal uniquist would not do drugs" not saying that they are not allowed to .. just saying my wish for them .... they don't have to listen. :)
IF I WAS MAKING RULES, to my own likes, it would be a long definate list!
another: this is all just for fun anyway. who cares if it's not exactly right. there are 6 of us. we like the "rules" ...if you don't like the "rules" don't join.... lol
it's hard to explain what i mean .... i guess it's a group that is there to back you up ... give you the courage to be yourself when you are too scared .... give you hope when the world sucks .... i dunno .... a few people understand what i mean ...
maybe you're right, maybe a truley unique person wouldn't want to join a group. MAYBE. that doesn't sound too human though...
p.s. anyone that does drugs (or gets drunk on PURPOSE) is probably trying to drown out reality. in one way or another. i think it's pathetic when people can't have fun without drugs. i can UNDERSTAND it, but i know that if they try harder, they don't have to do drugs... sorry i've seen to many good people ruin themselves with even the simplest drugs....
weeee! i hung out with michelle from LA today! we took pictures and went to coffee ... not to mention walking alllll over downtown san diego ... sometimes in circles ... okay mostly in circles ... lol ... our feet hurt! lol
it's so nice to hang out with girls! why doesn't she live in san diego?! grrr!
okay. so there's ravers and punkers and scenesters and goths and so on. labels that people choose to call themselves so that they will fit in with a group of people when they don't (or don't want to) fit in with the real world. or sometimes the world puts the labels on them .... either way, it's hard to categorize human beings, like say a scenester likes a trendy band...well, then he is rejected from his group of people ... not cool enough to be a scenester, and so then he doesn't fit in anywhere, he's his own person ... almost at least.
i was thinking, i know that labels start on accident and no one sets out to be labeled ..."let's call ourselves ravers! yeah!" ...but i was thinking that i want to make up my own group of people...and with a nice big fat label attached to it. lol. with definate things that you must do to fit under the label ... but with expections to every rule so that the people who should belong are never left out....
Uniquists. (unique-ists). that is what we will be called. a group of individuals striving to be different, not only from this world, but different from each other. Ever notice how some people claim to be so different, but then have a group of people to back them up that are all exactley the same? [like all punkers dress kinda the same and so on...] well, uniquists will all try to dress differently from each other [and from mainstream people -but it's not required...] , there will be no one specific type of music they listen to and so on. A group of open minded people that can think for themselves. People that are nice to everyone, who will listen to others, who will not compete against each other to be the 'coolest' ...everyone will be equal ... if someone has more knowlegde than someone else (say, about music or something) they will not be considered better in any way. we will not be fake, we will be ourselves, we will try our best to love all other people and try to be creative, and so on....read more about it, click here...
what do you guys think? who wants to start this new thing with me? (i have three people already!) ....
and there was light!! or....yeah...i mean...comments....by yaccs....
K, it only took like 3 hours (haha) but i manually moved all my comments back over to yaccs!! i'm so happy they finally got their new server. i now realize how lucky i am to have yaccs and to be able to check all my comments on one page...!
the way we loved
the way i loved you
so intense
and you took me for granted
i poured my heart out
put my soul into you
so intense
and you took me for granted
i couldn't resist.
my internet ex-punk friend and i...
our view of DJ's:
Photo....(6:26:26 AM): like guys in bands
me (6:26:33 AM): it's so funny though ....
me (6:26:42 AM): cuz djs don't even create! me (6:26:48 AM): they just play records
YerPhoto... (6:26:59 AM): lots of talent there
me (6:27:04 AM): HAHA
Photo....(6:27:17 AM): pick the record up
Photo....(6:27:22 AM): put the record down
Photo..... (6:27:27 AM): pick the record up
Photo....6:27:31 AM): put the record down
Photo.... (6:27:43 AM): now WHO'S DA MAN!!!
me (6:27:51 AM): LOL!!!
how old are you? EVERYONE that reads this, answer!!!!! stop hiding from the comment box! i know you're there!!! my sitemeter tells me so! [5000+ of you per week!] ... i know that a lot of my readers used to be ages 13-17 with a few 20-25 year olds or so, and a few 'real' adults (25-60) .... but what about now? who's out there! talk!!!!
friendster.
are you on it?
i think it's against myself to be on it. lol
too trendy, too 'eh' ... the kinds of people that are on it (the ones i know anyway) are the shallowest of all the people i know...that can't be good....!
(p.s. children, it's a college thing, you have to be 18+, so if you haven't heard of it, that's why...)
and all the things i'd say to you
no matter how pointless the motive
i'd love to tell you all the ways i feel
but i know you don't even care
can't even understand the first thing about me
why'd i ever choose someone like you
to believe in for awhile?
we hardly even talk anymore...
how have you been?
why do i hide from you?
did i forget that you are the one i love?
what is wrong with me?
love me. love me.
you've been gone too long.
love me. love me.
love me forever the way it used to be...
and i'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places
never finding a trace of it
because you're right here
and somehow i always seem to overlook you
hitting you in my sleep
what is it that i'm holding in?
what am i hiding from?
i've been running so long
that i can't even remember what i was trying to forget
and some people care
but not like you can
and some people love
but they do it all wrong
i just want to come home now
i just want to be loved now
can't seem to find my way back
i've gone too far
and i'm so lost
love me. love me.
you've been gone too long.
love me. love me.
love me forever the way it used to be...
the best cure for depression? [something that you are usually lacking when you are depressed]: friends (or people) and endless activity... lol ... just go out and go out again, and again ... so that you give yourself no time to think about anything at all. drown yourself in endless pointless shallow 'fun' until you can't stand it anymore .... then you go back to being depressed, but at least it's a temporary cure. lol
how many people from the internet have you met in real life?
i've met over 16:
Josh -guitarist
Gary -guitarist
ravers: Mari, Michelle, Dan, Matt, Ashley, Steve, Katrina, Jade, Yoshi, Etron (Jesse), Bre, Josh David, Brian, and some others...
A.J.- guitarist
oh look how cute - haha - i found my old archives/template while seeing what comes up when you search for maystar on google. lol
look here!i kinda miss my old templates... the square ones ...lol
look at the greenbackground on the sidebars - i made it by stretching a picture of a leaf! lol
this is adapted from a comment that i left on heather's blog.
if you can't find the link to heather's blog on my site, then you don't comment enough.
As we get older, we all start to care about getting dirty, and what people think, etc...
i think it's normal, that it happens to all of us, but maybe it has to do with specific things that have happened to us... (maybe partly due to getting made fun of as children?? or seeing others be made fun of...) all in all we just end up becoming too 'aware' of what's going on around us, and learn the value of things like clothes or money, and status and what others think of us ....
we stop going outside to play, stop climbing trees, and so on ...
right now we are in that stage of life where we are being trained to be "boring adults" ...remember them? from when we were little? they are kinda overweight, don't know how to dress, stay in their offices all day, don't want to get dirty, don't have any fun? yeah. those people.... (mainly from the 80's ...lol)
it's your choice whether you want to become like that or not ... it's impossible to go back in time to your childhood *sadly* ... but it's not too late to change the way your life is now ... i mean, it will never be exactly like when you were little, or perfect, but you can at least *try* ... it might make you happier ... put on some play clothes and go play in the mud ... make friends with little kids ...
do everything you can to hold onto that part of you that can still remember what it's like to be young - because once that's gone, it's gone.
new pix.
well, they are old, but i just got them from my friend Mari.
EDC pix they are from a rave i went to a few months ago or so.
warning: they look REALLY bad! lol
Cell phone or NOT ?
what do you think? .... My cell phone plan will be up in another 2-3 weeks...no more bill every month! but i was thinking ...should i get a new plan (than comes with a free picture phone) or not? It's 39.99/month plus taxes for unlimited nights and weekends plus 550 normail min.s a month. the activation fee is $36 if i sign up for one year and not two. free long distance and roaming. great AT & T service.
reasons why i need a cell phone:
1. i'm on dial up. no one can get ahold of me by phone because the internet is always on.
2. it's hard to have friends without a cell phone...
3. it's easier to go out if i have a phone, because i can call chris and stuff.
reasons not to have a cell phone
1. my country (USA) has very low standard for cell phones ... the level of something (radition or something?) in france and england is like "3" and here it's like 100,000 or 10,000 or something very HORRIBLE ... sorry, i don't really know what i'm talking about, i'm attempting to repeat something i learned at UCSD ... point is, US CELL PHONES ARE very BAD for you!
2. $39.99 plus taxes = about $47 a month! = $500 - $600/year
3. i don't like having bills...or contracts.
what do you think?? should i get a new plan or not???
does anyone want to pay for it for me? ... tee hee?
Thanks so much to Jason Anderson for a $10.00 donation!
eventually i'm going to make a page of the people who have donated...i wish i had URLs for them!
Also, thanks to Jen for making me even more link buttons ...i'm still too lazy to put them up. hehe.
ever since i moved the professional web design link off my main page i've been getting a lot less business - thank goodness! it's so not worth it - slaving away for $1-$2 per hour! no way, i've had enough! i still need to finish my portfolio too - eh...i just really don't want to see any more code! i was also working on a clothing store site awhile ago - but i don't feel like finishing it. lol.
another friday night at home. yay. like always. i had a chance to go out, but waited for chris as usual, and he said he'd go out with me, but then when it was too late to go out with anyone else he said "no, i'm too tired" ...he always does this to me...i always end up stuck here. goodbye teenage years of fun - i'll never see you.
went to what i thought was going to be a "punk show" tonight (or yesterday...it's 1am now, so it's new day) with chris and brandon. (Drive Thru Records 2003 invasion tour - the starting line and *homegrown* and some other bands) I didn't exactley know what bands were going to be playing - i figured they'd be pop punk, but never had i dreamed that the old punk scene would become as mainstream as it was tonight....
shows used to be like i dunno, 100-200 people all punked out, jammed into a teeny tiny venu - but this was at Soma, and maybe 1000 or so people were there. the music was "blah" for the most part and the people were all posers and didn't even do a good job at being that - i mean, yeah, they really listen to their new brand of crappy so called punk, but they are posers in the sense that they have NO IDEA what punk is all about - political stuff and so on... nowadays 'punk' is like sappy love songs or something -eh. i mean MXPX has always been great, but now everyone tries to copy them -- ...anyway, everyone at the show all looked the same, a band tee and some pants. very boring and preppy looking. the girls ALL had the generic hot topic punker belts...there was not ONE single punker there. not one. (probably cuz the music was not real punk - but still!...)
i did have fun moshing though! if it wasn't for the mosh pit, i would have died of bordom! i only fell on the floor once - although it REALLY hurt! and i got punched/hit in the lungs (if that's possible ... lol) like 2 or 3 times, and my arms are all brused up and i hurt my knee...BUT OTHER THAN THAT (lol), i didn't really get that hurt and it was really fun! only one other girl was moshing almost the whole time (and then of course there were the few girls that would mosh for one second and run and hide before they got hurt...lol ...or else mosh all alone when the music was soft...haha)
chris and i also saw this guy that we both fell in love with there - his style was so cool - i'm not sure WHY he was at that show ... he was hanging out in the smoking place when we saw him, so he probably didn't even go for the show...anyway, he dressed a lot like chris - a tight thrift store tee shirt with kinda tight kinda bellbottom jeans...but then he also had the coolest big sunglasses and his hair was beautiful - kinda like chris's but shorter and more girlish in the back (the same way that i *wouldn't* let chris cut his hair- because i didn't know that is would look good -haha) and he had on light colored lipstick and just everything about him was so artsy and beautiful and he was glowing in self confidence ... he *knew* that he was the most beautiful piece of artwork at that show... lol ...
anyway, i don't care what anyone says, i think that the way a person dresses is important, because it's a form of art and reflects their creativeness, individuality, and personality....and when someone just wears brand name clothes or gap or something, that just shows that they are either a coward - too scared to be themselves - to be original and unique, or they are just too lazy, and both of those are character flaws. i believe that everyone should strive to be perfect - and being perfect is being a good person and being 100% yourself combined....i guess it's hard to explain, but someone's got to know what i mean!
....i wore my "no war" shirt that i made and some boring wannabe gothic/punk pants and my white bondage belt - no chains, bracelets, hairthings or necklaces, because i was dressed to mosh and not to have my outfit ripped to shreads. - without even meaning to or trying, i was one of the most unique looking people there, and that is SAD, because you used to find a lot of variation at punk shows! -instead it was a sea of boring black "finch" shirts and so on. very pathetic how people all try to be the same and fit in to what is supposed to be "cool". there were even a lot of people at the show that were just there because it was the thing to do, the place to be....and they didn't even look like they cared about the music one bit....
so that was my first "punk show" in like 3-4 years, and sadly, along with the rave scene, i must declare the 'punk scene' officially dead. i know it was dead before, but now it's REALLY really really dead! i need to find a new underground - where did all the unique people go? are they into electroclash now? or ? being in college makes it hard to find anything at all. i found raves and punk music in junior high 6 years ago...---- do i need to go hang out at a junior high to find out where all the unique are people now? lol or do they just not exist anymore? anyone know?
went to TJ last night (wed.) - there weren't very many people there and it kind of sucked. my 'friend' got me really drunk and i swear i still feel sick -- i never want to drink again! it was such a horrible feeling--i couldn't really see - everything was spinning and my balance was all gone (not that i ever have much balance, but yeah. lol) i also tipped the bathroom lady $10 because there was a new sign up that said "tips...tips..." and i really like the mexican people and add drunkeness to that and i give away my money that i need to keep for myself. i just want to help/love everyone when i'm drunk. lol when i'm rich i'm going to give tons of money to homeless people (NOT stupid charitys) ...i'm just going to go down skid row in LA and throw thousands of $20 bills everywhere :)
oh my goodness, i just spent the last 3 hours returning emails with very short answers and there are still 67 to go! ahhhh! they just won't go away! lol
ok, so half our power was out in my house yesterday, so it forced me to stay off the computer...
i cleaned the house instead. lol
the people they got to fix the power were *not* electricians, so it took awhile to figure out the problem ... i got to help figure it out ... hehe ... it was just a loose wire ... it had fallen out of the wire-nut while they were putting up exit signs in our building. (chris is helping them, btw, because they have no idea what the hell they are doing) ... lol . dude, i swear, the new manager (the third one since we've been here) and the maintinance guy are SUCH idiots when it comes to electric work....i'm the one that had to figure out the problem ... that it wan't the fuses, that it wasn't the gfi, and so on. it's like "COMMON SENSE PEOPLE!" lol ...really, with the way our building is wired, you really have to be BLIND not to see that the problem was connected to the circuit breaker and not the fuses or any g.f.i.'s .....grrrr. it makes me mad when people are so stupid!
this is about the same girl that admits she doesn't ever listen to people when they talk, like you know, people that IM her, her friends, etc.. what a great friend, huh? she only cares about one thing in life, and that one thing is herself. it's really quite amusing to see you try to join the real world...you're so naive! i can't believe it! ...and not quite as smart as you always bragged to be...and it's nice to hear people call you stupid--so that maybe you'll stop thinking you're such a perfect wonderful beautiful girl when you're really just stuck up and extremely selfish. you get what you get. it's karma. haha. oh and when you legs and feet hurt from working- nothing is wrong, you don't need a doctor! that's just called WORK! it's NORMAL, you don't have some disease or disorder...i'm glad you finally decided to step outside your castle and get a job...see what it's like to be a NORMAL person? and you are too embarrassed to tell us your job because you don't make $20/hour++ like you always thought you would - how cute.... if you're so "smart" then why don't you know ANYTHING? if there's anything to be embarrassed about, it should be the fact that you didn't get your first job until you were 20 ... that's just pathetic ... oh but it's called "elite" though, right? and why would you get upset when people call you a whore? you cheated on scott how many times without ever telling him? he at least deserves to KNOW that you are a horrible selfish person! and don't even try to say anything! you were *determined* to cheat on him! you didn't even want to try not to. oh yeah, that's love. ha. i did everything in my power to keep you from having that month long affair with jason --oh but it's okay, right, cuz he's in a band, cuz he's on the radio - oh "Convoy"! ...yeah whatever dude, he's 30 and he wasn't worth your time, and he sings worse than me!...just cuz someone is on the radio doesn't mean anything...i tried to tell you that...but no, you're too 'smart' to listen to your friends...because you are better than everyone and since your mommy said it was okay to cheat on you boyfriend with a band guy, that MUST mean it's okay.... riiiiiight....
ok, why am i even wasting my time thinking about you? you're a horrible girlfriend, a TERRIBLE friend, a horrible person (cheating at UCSD!!) and you are in love with yourself. i don't want anything to do with you - not until you learn to LOVE and CARE about OTHER people ...but i have a feeling that is NEVER going to happen...
sorry guys... i'm only a *tiny* bit bitter, i promise. lol
ex-best friend issues...
(someone i loved and cared about, and tried to take care of, and put a lot of effort and TIME into trying to help --and she has tried to screw me over everytime she got a chance! while i faithfully hold all her secrets for her .... grrrrrrrrr)
ok, that's it! i just couldn't take it anymore! all the emails ...! so i took the "professional webdesign" link off the main page. lol. i HATE WEBDESIGN! ahhhhhhh! i don't care if i starve! who needs money?! rent? what's that?! lol. i don't want to see anymore code, EVER! lol i will only design for extremely high amounts of money. lol (this hopefully will defer anyone from still wanting me to design things for them, lol)
ok, on that note....i'm off to go pay my rent ... it was due yesterday ...eeep .... maybe they won't care since it was a holiday...
bye bye $800 of rent money .... *cries* lol
next mission: register the car ... the tags just expired ... eep...
oh and chris has no job again ... yay ... this is fun ....
deja vu!!!!! just like last month!
p.s. if anyone would like to pay for my cell phone for a year, i'll love you forever ... otherwise it's going bye bye in about 25 days or so... haha ...too expensive! i wish i could keep it, but i can't ...going to school doesn't give me enough time to make that much money ....
Pretend To Breathe...
what does it mean?
it means like i'm kinda "dead" going through the motions of being alive and trying to keep on going when i have nothing left of myself...
new pictures:
may & chris: 5 year anniversary (chris bought me the white dress and flower thing in the picture for my present ... i picked them out, of course ...hehe)
