feelings, thoughts, passion, especially passion, understanding, thinking, relating, love, emotions... that's what makes us human. that's the reason to exist.
so why do i keep adding pictures and things to this site when i don't want my ideas stolen? i just don't know. i guess i just hope that the dumb little pre-teens/teens will have their own minds and not copy me. lol. i guess i'm just extremely stupid in that case.
with that said, OH MY GOD, MAY IS ACTUALLY WEARING CLOTHES! lol ....here are pictures of my new orange skirt. i feel mormon! lol (you know, as opposed to wearing tiny shirts and so on like i always do ...lol) my goal is to try to take pictures of my outfits every school day so that when i am 60 years old, i can see what i wore when i was young ... or something.
in other boring news, i dropped my dance class and my art class ... 18-20 units was going to be too many! i was too tired ... couldn't make it through the day without falling asleep! now i'm down to 12 or 16 units...
i was also on the internet on my cell phone today ... lol ... and went to heather's babble blog and chris b's site! lol (i searched for them on google ... i don't know how to type in URLs yet ... lol) i also got a generic red shiny clip on cover for my phone, and black crystal buttons, so it's not ugly stock colored any more. lol [and where am i going to get money to pay my cell phone bill? i just don't know....lol]
i'm doing my best, which is not perfect, to get as much away from the internet as possible. i'm no longer going to be commenting on people's journals, i'm not going to return half my emails, and i'm not going to be talking to most people on aim anymore - the whole reason i ever even had aim was the same reason i have a phone: to (try to) make plans. i like to see people in person. i HATE computers, i want friends not computers.
OH MY GOD! grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT EVER BUY A COMPUTER FROM GATEWAY!!!!!!! so the CD drive broke once ... the thing wouldn't play/record or open, then the speakers, and the moniter has problems, the system is SLOW, and NOW the stupid cd thing is broken AGAIN!!! the CD will not come out!!! the spring to push it out or whatever must be broken! grrrrrrrrrr! GATEWAY SUCKS! (thank god for 3 year warentees) COMPUTERS SUCK! die die die!!! whoever invented computers should be shot!! they are in no way useful for the *good* of society - they brake, cause problems and disorder, and on top of that, they make people anti-social! every one IM's each other instead of calling - or even seeing each other ... IMing should NOT count as communication, not really at least. the end. grrr!
OK. the comments are gone forever. the guestbook is closed too. i finally did it... it was hard ... and at this point it's not a happy thing, but we "always have to go back to real lives" ....and possibly it's better to just take off the comments than to abandon this whole website...
k, so for anyone that was teasing me about being able to see my nipples in some of my pictures, i have the solution to your problem (of not wanting to see them lol): click here lol and i bought some! today. lol .... i'm going to wear them to that same club, [whenever i get to go!! grrrr!!!] with a white fishnet shirt over! or something like that. lol. today was spend money you don't have day, and so i also bought two shirts from wet seal (on sale for $12 and $6) and a coat from a vintage store, a bright blue vintage skirt, and a lonnnnggg orange/yellow/white/red vintage plaid skirt. and they gave chris his 70's looking white shirt for free ($18 for free -weee!)
the girl that worked at the underground (literally underground-) vintage store (who was part owner with her mom), was 24 years old and looked a lot like sally from the nightmare before christmas, but she had no idea who that was. she was really hyper and strange and interesting and nice....it seemed as though maybe she had never been out of that underground store in her life --- like she was raised there, all by herself with her mother....this surely is not true, but it seems like it... she was white with very long brown hair and wearing a very odd collection of 80's/70's/something?! thrift store clothes. It was like a different world in that store with her ... for a moment everything was happy and fun - like children on the day before christmas... she gave me her numbers and email address - so maybe i have a new friend ... she must have a lot of friends ... 4 came to visit her while we were there ... 2 boys dressed in vintage clothes from her store, and a gothic couple with cat tails. lol. i haven't seen people like that for so long ... it was nice to see different people again ... i really need to get away from ucsd ... everything about ucsd sucks! anyway, she invited me to church tomorrow night - a 'rattle snake' church, she called it. lol and she said there were mainly black people there. she seemed very very excited about it. i've never met anyone quite like her before - very unique in a whole new and different way - possibly i have found another 'real' person.... she seems almost innocent and untouched by the world .... like a child....
at the end of about 24 hours, the sitemeter will be at 100,000... weee! (i know because i get 700-900 visitors a day) email me if you are the 100,000th visitor! - with my luck, the 100,000th visitor will just go to the main page and then leave, not ever even getting to read this... : (
and i know we have to go i realize we only get to stay so long always have to go back to real lives where we belong where we belong where we belong .... and we always have to go i realize we always have to say goodbye always have to go back to real lives
but real lives are the reason why we want to live another life we want to feel another time another time...
and i know we have to go i realize we always have to turn away always have to go back to real lives
but real lives are why we stay for another dream another day for another world another way for another way...
one last time before it's over one last time before the end one last time before it's time to go again...
you know how a lot of you children [aka teens] hide your blogs and websites from your parents? well, even though i'm 20 and not quite a teenager anymore, and i don't even really have parents, i still *don't* like adults to look at my website or at least adults that i know .... like my aunt and my 40 year old friend patrice .... it's like my thoughts and things i put here are for people closer to my own age mainly or maybe people that i don't know of any age .... you know what i mean? i've gotten to the point where i don't even want most people i know in real life to come here either ... not even the teenagers ... because it seems like no one can understand me at all ... and i fit less into their shallow world once they try to read about me... it just sucks...
it's been over 2 years, since i've been free. and sometimes we talk about hanging out and sometimes we tell each other that we'd make good friends again, and sometimes we halfway make plans, but it's been over 5 years since i've seen you, and i'm starting to think that maybe we should move on ... maybe it's too hard to go back into the past, what's the point of trying to pick up the pieces when we know that everything in life always goes wrong? why try to be friends again, when we could just be alone?
i've got these memories in my head and they're making me old seems experiences change people they're making my heart grow cold
played a little too hard oh, i grew up way too fast and it wasn't just make believe your face; etched forever in my past
i've loved more than once too many and the tears just won't stop falling down mistakes like rain, they haunt me and i think that i might just drown
i've got these memories in my head and they're making me old seems experiences change people they're making my heart grow cold
to think i could have loved you oh, i had even given you my soul you still have a little part of me and there is nothing that can fill the hole
and somehow they call this life when you and i have been killing ourselves for years destroying ouselves, making mistakes all the while holding back our tears
i've got these memories in my head and they're making me old seems experiences change people they're making my heart grow cold
sorority girls... that's who i went dancing with. they are cicely's soriety sisters. as soon as they came into her house, they were talking and gossiping about this girl and then that girl, the way this girl claps her hands stupidly, and on and on and on.
not a good first impression.
makes me think, HOW could anyone feel *safe* having those girls for friends? with a guarentee that they will talk about you behind your back? fun!!
they were kinda fun to dance with. but i hate hip hop. i'm looking for something more complex, for people with the same interests as me. i want people that have been to more than one rave, i want people that want to go to electro clubs. i want people that DON'T gossip. i want people that seek to find knowledge and music, past the normal mainstream things that the media feeds us.
do you know what i mean?
aside from the gossiping, they turned out to be pretty neat people to hang out with. but just not my style. been there, done that. i'm WAY over hiphop i never even liked it, i just delt with it. i've already tried to be friends with soriety girls two years ago.... why did i leave them? 1) not my type AT ALL!! [the only the we have in common is dancing!] 2) GOSSIP 3) they were mean to people for no reason 4) it gets old 5) boring 6) not mentally stimulating 7) do i really have to give all 3583053205 reasons? lol
anyways these newest soriety girl aquaintences wanted me to rush for their soriety .... that's a first! lol ... but no way dude! i will not PAY to have friends! lol everything about sorieties discust me, right down to their stupid greek letters "Go alpha phi!" "yay for pi-phi! " 'like oh my god, delta delta delta is sooo cool!" LOL not only will i not pay for friends, but WHY would anyone want friends that gossip?! just WHY?! lol maybe that's how all girls are .... i don't know .... if they do, then i give up!!
where are all the people that i want to be friends with? where?!!!
i just can't seem to relate to these people and their lives. we are not the same. i'm somehow not a normal girl. i don't understand other girls. we have nothing in common. like a cat and a spider trying to be friends .... just doesn''t work....
school was today. my classes seem too hard and too boring. it was FREEZING at school in la jolla ... Alaska when snowing is warmer feeling!! (NOT joking!) i just hate college so much!!!! i want to drop out.
a boy did try to make friends with me in physics class though. that's a first. at least hopefully i'll have him to sit next to in that class ... i hate when i'm all alone in classes ... why don't girls ever try to make friends with me?!?
i also saw anna and brian today : ) i want to hang out with them more (and dan and vera) ... it just doesn't seem possible though ... they've all been friends since freshman year, and as usual, i came too late... they bonded, and i didn't bond with them i didn't know them then ...
oh well, maybe *one* day i will have my *own* group of friends ...
oh and i do get to going dancing with cicely tonight (the girl that bit my arm and poured water on me in TJ ... lol) but it doesn't seem so exciting ....i haven't had much sleep in two days ... i'm sooooooo tired .... and we have to leave early because she has work early tomorrow (poor thing!) and also because i'm so SICK of retarded hip hop music ... i can't stand it any more! lol i want to go to an electro or 80's club again! i haven't been in like a year! oh well, one day i will have a car and i will go out allll the time! even if i have to be alone! lol
oh my godness! i found it!!! this is the billboard by my house...it's the funniest thing ever. a drunk guy kissing a fish ...i SO am that guy! lol. i would kiss a fish when drunk! alcohol *really* does impair judgement... at least when you are me it does... maybe because i only drink like twice a year .. lol
a couple more days and we will have a total 100,000 visitors on the site meter thing! yay! i say 'we' because this site kinda belongs to you guys that comment/come here alot ... at least it feels that way to me. : )
tomorrow is school. nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! i'm so not even ready. i don't even know what my classes are or when they start or end! lol i'm going to go look right now ... lol
haha! i'm starting to love these! the people that are mean in my guestbook, they come like once every month or so, too scared to put their name, email address, or website. not to mention that instead of emailing me, like a normal mature person, they purposely write it in my guestbook so that everyone else will see! oh no! *gasp* my entire life is ruined! *faints* LOL and here we go, be prepared to laugh you head off: "i think you are fake.... you act like you dont have anything.... you are a hypocrit.... your always like "i cant be sterotyped" that is bullshit.... you "claim" to like punk but you are nothing like it.... i could keep going on and on..... i think you need to get off your ass and stop putting shit in this fucking website thing... its a waste of your time... and you wonder why you never get to do anything?? (or you make people think you never get to do anything so they can relate to you?) what ever the case though you just need to stop using the fucking computer..... stop pretending to be someone you arent" IP #: 68.85.205.234 from 'no need for a name' ok first, WHY would i want internet people to relate to me? WHY!!? lol i hate internet people - i hate that i can't see them or touch them...all i want is *real* friends!
i never get to do anything, because my boyfriend is always working, i don't have any real friends, and no one will ever hang out with me (almost). i'm always asking the few people that i *know* if they want to go dancing, etc ... no one ever does.
the people that i've met in real life from the internet don't make good friends, because they are always on the internet! lol (except for michelle - i love her but she lives 3 hours away)
i am on the internet BECAUSE i have nothing to do .... it doesn't cause me to not get to do anything! why would i make people "think that i don't get to do anything" ????!! wouldn't it be the opposite? wouldn't i want to "brag" about getting to go somewhere? i'm pretty sure i've written down everytime i've gone out! lol
and hello, duh?! idiot....um .... sure, yeah, that's it, i REALLY go out all the time, and i just lie to you guys and say that i don't every go anywhere, THAT'S WHY i post 20 times a day at all different times of the day and night .... cuz you know, i can do that when i'm NOT home.... lol ... people should really do some more research before they start judging!!!! i have this huge feeling that this person came from either lipstickparty or makeoutclub ... the people on there are exactley one of the kinds of people i HATE ... the ones that put their friends down and try to be better than each other by all the bands they listen to... like if you listen to bright eyes, blonde redhead and hot hot heat and some other 'cool' bands that they like, and then you throw in the julia theory (i still don't know who they are! lol), then you have HORRIBLE taste in music! you listen to one bad band so it ruins you, you must be fake, you this, and you that. it's absolutely insane! oh and by the way, i'm pretty sure that since hot hot heat made it to the radio, it is NOT 'cool' to listen to them anymore! that is how these people work! which is why i keep searching for better people ....
okay, and the last thing....FAKE?? me, fake? well then what does that make the rest of the people in this world?!!! super ultra double triple extra fake???! lol
i am far from fake! i admit i've *tried* to fit in with many types of people, but that's easy because parts of me fit in with different types of people ... i love raves and rave music ... so i can hang out with those people, i love punk and i used to love punk shows, so i can kinda SORTA hang out with those people...but those people are hard to find, they are usually just faked trying to act all "hard" ....i've tried VERY hard to fit in with soriety girls [they were my roomates, ewww] ... 2 years ago, WOW was that hell ... i tried to dress more "normal" but failed miserably ... my eyeshadow was never natural enough ... my jeans were never the right brand ...and i always felt ugly and boring...i never felt like i could compete with them and win ... my hair looked "cheap" i couldn't relate to the way they talked about boys, or went to the gym...with makeup on! and they were such backstabbing bitches ... and all they were good for was parties, but those parties were HELL.... SO boring and SO stupid.... no wonder people drink at parties! i haven't been to a party in almost 2 years thanks to that!! lol ... never again! (i went to a 'rave' house party though - that was kinda fun) anyway, i've always hung out with 'gothic' type people ....i'm not sure HOW that happened ... lol .... i definatley didn't have much in common with them.... they were mainly fake ones, so they were sluts, and always talking about how they were going to kill themsleves -trying to get attention!! blah. blah. blah. i could write a book... anyway, we ALL know that i'm not fake in any way (except for my lovely plastic straw-like blonde hair! LOL) ....i'm trying really hard to think, and i don't think there's one fake thing about me...except for maybe the fact that i go to school even though i hate it- but that's not fake, that's just being responsible or 'smart' ....
who does this guy think i'm pretending to be?!! i don't get it. i'm really curious! does he think i'm some 'blonde girl' pretending to be 'deep, dark, and sucidal' or what is it? maybe he will come back and tell us! : ) i don't know why i think it's a "he" ... it's probably a girl ... they are mostly bitches like that ...although, as we have expierced before, some guys are just a little too "metrosexual' lol ... and they are verging on gay by gossiping like girls - it dicusts me when guys are like that! lol i've pretended to be 'dumb' a lot of my life - when i was much younger - cuz you know, you get made fun of if you are "smart' in elementary school ... i didn't ever want to get made fun of like those people did ... i got enough abuse from not having new or nice enough clothes, and being named 'may' ...
anyways, that is my book. i'm done now. lol my best internet friend saw the comment and said ...oh well i only have half of what he said: "we should kill them lol they can go on our list" he also said "no need for a name cause you suck!" in my guestbook - even with his email address attached, so THERE. lol. but, as i am studying to be dictator of america (i have 4 votes now! lol) i will practice censorship and delete that, and the evil comment out of my guestbook. although the loving evil comment will always have a home here in my waste of time blog : ) lol
so i'm trying to take the comments/guestbook/email things off....and i just can't. lol. i can't even touch the code! maybe once school starts i'll be able to get away from this computer. how can i be so addicted to something i hate so much? but isn't it always that way...
wow. i can't use any search engines at all! i don't know how this happened, but msn and yahoo results don't work,and i get this when i go to google now: "Are you trying to get to Google? Your computer is running software that doesn’t allow you to use Google. You’re seeing this page because your computer is trying to send you to a website that is pretending to be Google. Over the past few weeks, you may have seen a website that looks like Google, but launches pop-up windows and does not work like Google. That page is not affiliated with Google in any way and is intended to deceive you. Why is this happening? Most likely a program was installed on your computer automatically and without your knowledge when you downloaded an otherwise harmless piece of software. Or you may have been tricked into clicking on a disguised download button while visiting a website. " um, so yeah, eeeep!?! lol i'm trying to fix it now... has this happened to anyone else???? update: i fixed it. it was a "parasite" lol
chris and i both got new cell phones today. he claims he needs one for work and can't live (work) without one. i got one so that i can leave the internet on and not worry about someone trying to call. so we have year long contracts that say we have to pay a total of $90 a month for both plus taxes. (= $105/month or so?) another bill that i will have to stress out about and worry over for the next year. i HATE contracts! what if you lose your job and run out of money? then what?
unnatural heartbrake doesn't heal doesn't ever go away
and i keep holding back the tears trying to forget but i brake down all the time
i can't get back to where i was going and i can't go forward all mixed up and incomplete yeah, that is me.
holding on to broken dreams wanting what no longer exists trying to get home trying to get back.
another lost cause
memories fade away faces are gone places are obsolete and while i search i find everything has changed and you're not around not who i remember you to be and i just can't get back to who i was before i can't seem to find what i've lost.
made myself all wrong
oh so lost don't fit in here don't fit in there i took a piece of everything and made myself all wrong // who am i? where do i belong? why is there no one who understands? i'm not that different from you but maybe i am // oh so lost i search in here i search in there i can't seem to find my place i want someone like me.
life
spinning out of control like a dying unwinding tape (blowing in the wind) in slow motion out of tune like dying batteries an out of tune note something's just not right
can never get home no matter how hard i try the ocean's blue the only thing that's the same when everything has changed
memories are gone places changed and i'm not the same
tainted like the water and i can't get back to my purest form
can't find the source can never get home.
random thoughts, many tears.
random thoughts many tears i want someone to understand.
my scattered mind my tattered hair i've lost myself again.
thoughts too many thoughts flood my head too weak for action
drowning in my own mind.
but i just can't.
want to matter want to mean something want to be heard want to be something want to escape the pressure want to love again want to live again want to remember my dreams want to do something
but i just can't.
i become what i pretend
underneath the skin your lies seep from within
i play my part so well i become what i pretend
carefully placed within her box
she's scared to make mistakes carefully placed within her box too scared to come out she doesn't want to be wrong perfection or nothing at all
and the words coming out of her mouth a heartless echo of her dreams and she's not what she seems a windowless soul trapped inside of her twisted mind.
cat scratch fever
like a cat. i like to be touched and i don't like you but i'll stay for the food
chorus: i knock you down you come back up i scratch you bad you still follow me around
you try to make me love you but i'd rather scratch your eyes out and you always want to pet me but i just want to get away
it was Jason from the band Convoy ... when i met him, and saw how badly he sang, and that he was on the radio, that is what made me think, if HE can be on the radio, then i can be in a band too! lol ...all my bands have failed horribly though ...either they don't practice, or i don't have time to.... maybe someday.... and i'm perfectly aware that i don't sing in key, but i like it that way. so there. lol
*reading old journal* in 8th and 9th grade, all i ever wanted was Corey Kidder, the nicest, cutest most popular boy in school. it's so sad, i was always too shy to tell him that i liked him...i don't think he would have ever gone out with me though. i was brave enough to make friends with him though. lol. a big step for a shy person. lol. all i ever wanted was a boyfriend *at* school, but for some reason, boys at school never seemed to like me. : ( i was always 'stuck' with boys that went to other schools ... all i ever wanted was someone to hold hands with at school .... someone to bring me a rose on valentine's day. i wanted what all the other girls always had.... do you know what i mean?
haha does anyone remember when making out was called "scamming" ? or was that only in Anaheim, CA ? what about "4U2C only" written on a letter? do junior high kids still write letters to each other? i have over 500 letters mainly from 8th grade. we all used to write letters and fold them all prettily....
and how many guys have said to me "it doesn't matter, she's stupid anyways" about another girl? guys are such backstabbers!
at only 3 years of being taken away from my mom, (age 14) i still had some life left in me. amazing. i remember how hard things were back then. it's because i had hope that i was still alive at all. By age 18, i was dead completely.
oh if you wanted a $3 autographed picture of me, give me your address & money asap. i'm not going to get the pictures made until i have the money/addresses ...so far i only have money/addresses from a few people... so yeah, hurry if you really wanted a picture. lol
things that i need to get done in less than two days: 1. clean closet 2. get new cell phone (either that or brake the computer) 3. find and buy huge bright pink hair ribbon (lol) and also a red scarf 4. go through old papers 5. think, cry maybe (haha) 6. type up all poems written on paper in the last year+ (help!) 7. type some other stuff 8. smash computer 9. possibly remove guestbook/comments/email address 10. go to bed at a normal time (say 11pm maybe ?) 11. give forum password and user name to whoever wants to be in charge of it. 12. stop commenting on people's blogs. forever 13. stop talking on AIM 14. get off the computer! 15. eat ? 16. and more stuff...i just haven't thought of it yet.
school starts on thursday! i don't want to go! don't make me go! noooo! i hate it there! i hate everything about that school and the shallow people that go there! nooooooo! i'm going to die of depression!
i love these songs: 'paint it black' by the rolling stones 'dirty trip' & 'playground love' by air download them if you haven't heard them. 'dirty trip' & 'playground love' are from the movie 'the virgin suicides' ... oh and you have to see that movie too: Doctor: 'You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets.' Cecilia: 'Obviously, doctor, you've never been a 13-year-old girl.'
okay i'm feeling a little bit better...not thinking so much. thinking is evil. lol still haven't gone to bed yet. oh my goodness: heaven ...one day hopefully i'll get time to read them [all].
i guess i've hurt people too... i'm sorry .... i never meant to take your heart and brake it i meant to keep it forever... broken people just brake other people... without trying...
he said "you were perfect.... i'm wishing for christmas that someday you will fall [back] in love [with me] the way you fell out...."
i really need to stop looking in this box of old stuff! pandora's box! god! lol listening to the cure doesn't help either!
don't run away from reality... that's how you heal that's what the book said.
what if there is no reality? what if reality is too horrible to face? what if reality kills you? what if reality will keep you broken forever?
I'm reading the research paper i wrote in 11th grade on "human emotions" ...it's nice to see something that at least makes a little sense ... making feelings into a logical pattern .... something we can understand and figure out, like math.
when does the nightmare end? when does life begin? i've been waiting so many years holding my breath hanging on by just a thread.
i've been dead all these years pretending to breathe, pretending to live and i can change my name a thousand times for each new game but i'll never be able to escape this pain.
i can be whatever i want to be play which ever game i choose i can play shallow, i can play dead but i'm never going to win this way i'm just trying to pass the time.
i keep holding my breath, pretending to breathe but i'm not alive hanging on by just a thread i'm waiting for this nightmare end...
i'm waiting for this nightmare end.... i'm waiting for this nightmare end...... wake up now...
she hides her broken dreams inside a box out of sight, out of mind cover it up with something fake fill the space fill the time whatever you do, little girl just don't think.
block out the memories that happiness is gone for good forget all you can to block out the pain it will never be the same this is how you survive, little girl this is how you survive.
maybe i'm trying to prove that i was once real that i once existed even if life didn't go the way it was supposed to i still existed. i did.
i didn't ever get to be a child, i can't keep going on this way it's just too much i just need to cry for years it's too hard to go to college it's too hard to live
there's something i want to say there's something i want to prove that's why i go on like this....
....but i just don't know what it is...
looking through an old box of what i have left the remnants of my life song lyrics i wrote at age 9 a picture i drew last year my swimming lesson "tadpole" card from 1987
the things that i wanted to show you that i wanted to scan in
but i won't... because i don't see the point... what am i trying to say? what am i trying to prove??? can anyone tell me?
crying a lot again lately i want to go home i want to go back i have to get back to then
does the pain ever end?
...i guess that's why i try not to think anymore... i guess that's what i'm running from push down the happy memories they'll only make me cry i want to go back go back in time
it's not some simple dream it's all i that want. it's all i ever wanted. i want to go back to the house i lived in when i was age 3-6 i want my old mom to be waiting for me when i get home. i want my old cat to be there and my friends ... i used to have friends i want everything to be the same and i want to live forever in that moment where there was no pain before there was ever any pain....
....all i have left of that life is a small box with a couple toys and memories...
but that life is gone that mother is dead and that little girl is forever stuck in time....
in case you are too shallow to get through all the poems/songs to get to all of yesterday's writings, i'll tell you here: the picture page was updated yesterday. but if you are only looking at my pictures without reading my words, you have been warned: i don't like you.
the way you paint with your words makes me think that i'd love to love you love to be in love with the way you love and bask in your dreams that way but i know that it's all just make believe nothing but a silly game and you are a million worlds away.
i am so in love with the cure. still. they are the best band ever. so beautiful and depressing at the same time. like love. listening to: "there is no if..."
okay, the picture page is 100% updated with all the newest links and 8 new thumbnails. i also added a note to the 'sickos' of this world (go read it) i also took off the picture box thing ... too much trouble ... it's hard enough to update my pictures as it is! i'm also going to transfer the last of my angelfire pix over to my site ... yay ...it only took 7 months or so ... lol
ok, so usually when i do a photo shoot, i take like 60-200 pictures in order to get like 8 "okay" pictures... (yeah, see, you knew i was really ugly!! told you!!) but last night i was taking pictures and i could just NOT get the pictures to look how i wanted, and so i ended up taking 390 pictures without even noticing! lol (no wonder i was so tired!! lol) it all goes to prove that real film is much better than digital ... you can get 8 "okay" pictures from about 27 real film pictures ... you don't need to take 200+ like with digital... (thank god!)
anyway, so according to me last night, ALL the 390 pictures sucked, and i deleted many of them ... but now that i look at them again, some of them aren't *that* bad ... and since i went to all the work of taking them, i'm putting like 30-40 of them up instead of the usual 8 or so. lol
new ugly pix: trashy hair (playing dress up with my hair) coffee and cream (my outfit when we went out to coffee last night) and here are some old pix from when my hair was red and blue: mod color
i'm thinking about taking the comments function off my site, and the guestbook, and the email thing. i spend too much time checking comments and email...
it's either that, or i abandon this website altogether.
you can't go anywhere in life when your time is being sucked away into nothingness ('cyberspace').
i'm already a third year in college, but somehow i can remember the exact color of the bright green grass on a pretty crisp cloudy day, beneath the tree i used to climb when i was 7. i remember how i could almost see color in our black and white tv. i remember a movie poster on the wall of an odly quiet movie theatre near my house. the yellow sticker on my favorite homemade style brownies from the little cafe. i remember looking at the light brown and dark brown m&m colors while lining them up on a table at a resteraunt with my mother. the black and white floor in the hallway outside of the drug store. mother on the pay phone. the red bus station. eating snow in bowls and cups by the fireplace with my friend lauren. the way seward was so free seeming at christmas time. mother crying on the floor. building an igloo with my friends to play in. the little boy that my mother said liked me. swinging on the swings at school in a light pink dress when i was 6, thinking alaska isn't cold, it's warm, and no snow yet. iceskating. rollerskating. the way i decided that i was going to go to college when i grew up, even though i didn't want to go. feeling like i had lived 114 years already. rubber boots. a girl's clover necklace at school. carrots and chocolate pudding. the closet doors. taking a cab with my mom. walking. the smell of the buses in the snow. icicles hanging from houses. the way the world could seem so still and magic sometimes. the way i was happy. the way i lived inside my own little world. the way i understood my mother's grieving over my dad. the way things used to be. the way things should have stayed forever....
and now here i am. all grown up in a way. but i am still that little girl. i have been damaged, but i haven't changed. my mind is still the same. then and now i still feel over 100 years old... then and now i think the same. then and now i could give you the same advice. then and now i could understand more than anyone should ever understand.
only now i'm so damaged. each happy memory is just pain. each memory of that mother is torture. of that life. and i've cried a million tears for that world. but it won't come back. and i used to search for that world, but it no longer remains. it left me behind. that mother is gone. replaced by a person that i don't even know, a bitter woman that i don't even want to try to understand. and i will never be able to go home. i will always be stuck here. in the middle of nowhere. lost in space and time. filling my life with stupid things to pass away the time. webdesign. email. dancing. school. homework. worrying. anything.
anything that will keep me from thinking.
anything that will keep me from remembering the way life used to be. the way i used to be happy. the way i used to be alive.
YAY! please visit (and post in!) the brand new forum!! it's not hosted on my site, but oh well...
so everybody go register and post in the forum! now! lol you can post about anything basically, and you can also ask html/code questions. the *shortcut* to the forum is: http://www.maystardesigns.com/forum.html, incase you are one of those people that likes to type things in directly...there's a redirect thing set up on that page :)
also, i finally put up the last 4 buttons that jen made me! thanks jen!
if you lived in reality, you would be dead right now.
everyone creates their own little worlds or bubbles to live in. everyone. that is how we survive. at least in america. some people create false realities on the internet, chatting away on aim, writing, listening to music, others go out with their friends constantly, talk on the phone, go to the mall, flirt with boys, others go to raves, others do drugs, others eat a lot, some write poetry, some play sports. ...all these things cover up reality. distract our minds from the truth. we go on in these pointless lives, worrying about bills, chasing after money, aquiring things, trying to impress people, and so on and on.
and it is all pointless. all for nothing. all just to DIE in the end. and all the pain we go through, all the things we survive through - it's all for nothing. that is reality. reality is realizing that every moment we breathe is pointless. everything we do is pointless. reality is realizing that people are all selfish and only care about themselves. and so on...
when people realize what reality is, they kill themselves. and that is where suicide comes from. when things are going bad, and you just don't want to deal with them anymore, don't want to struggle through them, because you know, in the end, you are going to just die anyway, and you know that if you live, you are just going to do everything you do for no reason at all. that anything you accomplish will be pointless. that will go through more painful things and keep meeting the same kinds of selfish stupid people....
if i died my hair black would you understand me? if i looked differently would you accept me? if you're so deep and understanding why would judge me by the way i look? if you're that real and great, why don't you try to look past what you see with your eyes? and you may never get to know me because of your shallow judging skills and that would just prove that you weren't the people that i was looking for anyway that would just tell me that you are no better than those same blonde people that you try to avoid...
(no, this is not for you. i wrote this for 'whoever' which could include you, but is not specifically you.)
k so that scary dream i had, was supposed to be about chrisb, but totally didn't fit him AT ALL, and my friend and i though that it was about this other guy. then the other guy IMs me and asks me who my dream is about, i say "chrisb, but maybe it's about you".... and he says:
well your described my room
I have wood walls a black chair a black phone dark blue carpet and clutter everywhere a tv a desk
but no knife.
THAT IS SO TRIPPY!! TWILIGHT ZONE! the knife was interpreted by my friend at an earlier time: (so the 'other guy' shouldn't have a knife) my friend says " I see a resemeblance to your suicide story with that guy that came to visit you when you were suicidal. the skin color difference is because you see him as deceptive changing depending on the situation...to fit his needs. the kiss is obvious. he wants you, you don't want him the knife in his pants is symbolic of your (poor) attempt with the knife." --------------------- The other guy came to see me the day i tried to jump out the window, (and also i looked at a knife). He was totally unsympathetic (as was everyone else) and just wanted me to go to his house! didn't care that if the window had not closed on me, i would have DIED.... just selfish as always. Then later he tries to kiss me?! It's like, hello?! NO! and then he gets mad at me for just laying in bed and not wanting to do anything, it's like HELLO?! I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF TODAY AND I'M OBVOIUSLY NOT FEELING WELL, EXTREMELY DEPRESSED, and you get mad at me for wanting to lay in bed?!!
and here i am lifeless, with no makeup on, my hair is a mess, my room is a wreck due to a fight with my mom. just a crazy day, and all he could think of was himself and getting what he wanted.
this is what happens when my chris is away. : (
anyway, that is SOOOOOOOOOOOO FREAKY that i dreamt about his room even though i've never been there!!!!!!!!!
i need to take some time off from this computer. get ready for school and stuff. someone help me stay away!
when school starts, i won't be on the computer as much, and anyone that IMs me all the time is going to have to learn to live without me, because i won't have time for AIM...sorry guys : )
i had this terrible dream that i met you real life.... i guess we had started talking on the phone, and still friends as always, i guess you now lived or had always lived in my apartment building. finally you convinced me to meet you in person. you went outside my window with a sign of somesort. (maybe something that said something similar to 'no war' or so?) your race was different ... some shade of dark skin and not white like the pictures i had seen of you. confusion. you seemed safe and so i let you in my house, or maybe it was i that entered yours. I think it was yours. The room was darkly furnished. wood colored walls and a dark colored arm chair upon which you sat. Dark colored carpet and a lot of clutter everywhere, a tv, a desk, come other furniture, all in the same room. in your hand was a black remote or a phone. i came over and sat on the floor by your chair to talk to you. You now where white, and not that other race. You tried to force me to kiss you, very forceful. even though you had said that you would never kiss me or even try to kiss me because you cared about me and didn't want to ruin my relationship with chris or our friendship. but there you were, holding my head, talking to me, trying to get me to kiss you back. you had a dagger- looking 'knife' in your belt, under your jacket, in such a way that the blade pointed upward and came to the bottom of your chest or so. you said you always carried this knife. terror. i can't quite remember everything, but i know that somehow i got away from you. and you kept stalking me everyday after that. terror. fear. i can't remember much more...
added a few new unquist members last night. they all seem to lack pictures at this point :(
p.s. wow. i've gotten over 100 comments this week! that's like 1/10 th of all my comments ever! thanks for commenting you guys! (okay, now you are all going to *stop* commenting, aren't you? lol i know you .... hahaha)
from 8/9/03 always running backwards in circles never getting anywhere.
[maybe your dreams were for me, darling friend.]
i wrote this some time ago: i'll hide this pain i'll drown myself in tears so that you can go on believing that everything is fine i'll kill myself so that you won't feel the pain.
it's sad to know that you could put all your trust into someone for once and give them what they wanted, even though you didn't really want to. but you don't know why you did just to have them brake you brake your trust brake your world just because they wanted to.
and you wonder why i can't find real friends... i think sometimes i live in constant fear i hope you got what you wanted... again.
we picked up my record player from UPS today. and it's actually very pretty! it's silver :) even though it's from 1978, it looks much much better than my friend's technics turntable from 1995! lol of course, with my luck, the belt broke the second we touched it.. it basically crumbled ... as you can see here, the price to replace the stupid little rubberband looking belt is $17.90 for my SL-220 ....that really sucks! that much for a rubberband thing?! lol of course, it won't work without it ... but yeah ...lol i also still have to get speakers ... hopefully we can find some that don't require a mixer. that's what my friend has, i'll have to ask him... either that, or chris can always cut the precious wires on my turntable and hook it up to our current house speakers ... but i don't want them cut! lol it's kinda funny, i was reading about technics and it turns out they were created to use as home record players, and not for DJ's ... haha.... although now they are marketed torwards them...
it's funny how my index page says: "open-minded people only please." as if anyone would actually ever admit to being close-minded! i think most people don't even know they are closed-minded!
I've gotten this question a couple times now: "you have a great body. do you have a certain workout? like what excercises do you do to stay in such great shape?" i've been also asked for my beauty secrets. so here you guys go: exercise: typing and sitting here all day long bored to death. no gyms, no excercise. nothing. food: lots of pizza, candy, ice cream, cookies. sleep: only 2-4 hours hours of sleep a day! wee! make sure to stay on the computer AT LEAST 20 hours a day. sometimes you should stay up for 53 hours!
basically, what i'm trying to say, is that my skin looks horrible, i have lovehandles, no muscles, and so on. i'm not in shape at all!
the secret to looking like me is only buying clothes that look good on your body and not trying to wear something that doesn't, even if it is the cutest thing ever. SO MANY people cram into tiny clothes that make them look fat, even when they are not! wear bigger clothes - look skinnier. only put up "ok" pictures of yourself, tear the other ones to bits, or delete all 200 of them from your computer! lol
and the best exercise, is going dancing three times a week and rollerskating - also climbing trees and playing hide and go seek! i don't really have any friends, so i don't get to do these things often, so here i sit, at the computer i hate. the end.
