what am i doing? i find myself on the internet more and more.... the computer ate me, help! lol i stayed on the computer today talking to people instead of going out to a halloween club thing ... i'm broken!! help!
tomorrow i'm going to monster massive though ....my costume isn't even finished yet! : ( i'm also going trick-or-treating in OC or LA .... not sure which one yet, i want to go in SD, but i can't since the rave starts early and is all the way in LA.... anyone know of any neighborhoods there with lots of candy??
oh great, and now the horrible stalker-like hate seeps through my skin again. and when i hate something, it can be with all of my heart and soul. i don't want to hate. go away hate! someone help! don't let hate consume me again!
aww this sucks, there's school tomorrow [today, i mean lol].... oh well, at least my midterm was prosponed. i'm so tired!
we took the cat to get it's yearly shots today... $120 !!! and then the cat has the nerve to claw my face an hour later when i had it been comforting it, and paid for it!! grrrr!!!!!! stupid cat! it like clawed me with both paws and held on to my face ... blood was pooring down my face! there are huge scars/scratches now! about 6 cuts! just in time for halloween pictures!! [that was sarcastic!! my costume involves no scratches/blood = real or fake, lol grrrr] this is the second time this has happened! oh well, whatever i'm over it. oh yeah... AND.... i had even bought ice cream for my cat[!!!], so that it would feel better [the shots cause the cat to feel like it has the flu and a cold and some other things for a couple days, said the vet] ..see what i get for being nice to my cat?! this is the meanest most brat-faced cat i've ever had or seen in my life! reminds me of a spolied little 2 year old boy that bites! lol
it started with a secret someone to confide in chose you relationship began it grew and grew the letters came obsessively talking to each other desperately pulled you in, pushed you out ran to you, then ran away
the girl was never the same from day to day ever-changing emotions can someone slow her down? filled you up, then knocked you down just to pick up the pieces again and you just never know how something like this might end.
fires outside but it's dying inside my head the same old thing another face another name it's a stupid game who am i today? will i feel tomorrow? can you trust my dreams if i don't know my own self? changing my mind by the minute what i've told you is out of date by the time is reaches your ear it should've already been over but i always start the game again.
view life through shades of gray silence fades we all feel the same way distance made games played screaming in my head you don't bother to find out no longer see what i've said but maybe i like it that way i'm reaching out and then running away instabilitly comes from within caused self lonliness we're covered in sin a perfect day like today never felt so all alone there's no one i want to play everywhere it's imperfection causes too much depression destroys obsession this world is empty thought i might fly tonight this time without definate reason except for; there is no right there is no you there will never be again it will always only be me sitting all alone and it's never been so cold.
i have this craving for *real* CDs ... i don't know why ... i'm sick of mp3's .... so i made a wishlist of CD's ...not all the CD's i want of course, just a few (yeah, a few is like 25, lol)
everyone else gets to have a wishlish, so why not me? lol go buy me CD's ! lol actually i think i would feel bad if someone bought me something, especially if i knew them. lol i'd feel indebted ... and i certainly don't have any money to buy anything for the person :( .... and so then i would just pull out my hair! lol so maybe i will send my wishlist to my aunt for christmas or maybe hide it on my tip jar page? lol
heather is smart. i need to do the same thing [read her October 27, 2003 post]
i have a physics midterm on thursday (i'm pretty sure i'll have school that day) AND I HAVEN'T OPENED THE BOOK! and i missed class at least three times! and i have playwriting homework due on thursday and lines to memorize by monday ... what is wrong with me?? i used to do all my homework asap and everything. i HATE computers!! grrr! i had a 4.0 gpa in highschool and did homework all day long and now my gpa is like 3.25 and going down all the time....
and chris ... oh poor chris ... i never even spend one second with my boyfriend anymore ... i'm always on the computer and so he just comes home from work and sleeps ... it's so sad ....
changing patterns i don't understand i look once and see you there i look back and you're not quite the same so far away yet so close i don't know why but i liked you better last time fickle emotions not so diaphanous you can't see through hanging up or hanging out don't know what i want shifting desires melting dreams today's one way and tomorrow is something else need to run away before i damage myself need to stay away or start over again.
haha: antiwallflower19 (8:10:33 PM): thanks:-) and you will grow up more and become a great president:-D pretendtobreathe (8:10:40 PM): lol ! pretendtobreathe (8:10:46 PM): too stressful dude lol pretendtobreathe (8:10:57 PM): that's why dictator works better lol ;-) antiwallflower19 (8:11:07 PM): lol
[i always say that i'm going to be "dictator of america" when i grow up. lol]
OKAY FINE!!!!! lol.... i put my comments back up, just for YOU. for all of you! sooooo many of you asked me and begged me to put them up! yeah, so now that i put them back up, you guys all better comment lol.
oh and you can comment on any post at all, no matter how old it is, because i will read *all* my comments. lol
the REAL stalker. part two. so there was the camera flash thing the other night. and then there's always this car that comes in the middle of the night and drives around and parks a lot and drives again, right outside my window....i always thought it was harmless ... now i'm not so sure:
pretendtobreathe (4:27:24 AM): hey!! it's the car i was talking about! outside .... pretendtobreathe (4:27:34 AM): driving out of that drivway jointattack6 (4:27:38 AM): noooooooo jointattack6 (4:27:53 AM): they were wondering where you were pretendtobreathe (4:27:59 AM): lol pretendtobreathe (4:28:11 AM): they just got out of their car pretendtobreathe (4:28:32 AM): and looked in thr trunk pretendtobreathe (4:28:39 AM): oh my god pretendtobreathe (4:28:51 AM): now he's laying in the back seat jointattack6 (4:29:01 AM): =-O pretendtobreathe (4:29:07 AM): and i swear he was just touching himself !! EEEP! pretendtobreathe (4:29:17 AM): and he looked at me!!!!!!!!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep jointattack6 (4:29:21 AM): call the cops jointattack6 (4:29:24 AM): noooo jointattack6 (4:29:29 AM): :-( pretendtobreathe (4:29:31 AM): and now he got in the front seat pretendtobreathe (4:29:36 AM): driving away... pretendtobreathe (4:29:45 AM): turned around .... coming back pretendtobreathe (4:29:59 AM): stopped in front of my house!!! pretendtobreathe (4:30:06 AM): is still there pretendtobreathe (4:30:09 AM): EEP!
and then so i woke up my chris and turned on the light and used huge hand gestures to tell chris about the guy parked outside and so the guy left, THANK GOD! i'm fucking scared ....!! the blinds will now be closed at night and the door paddlocked! crazy dude!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!! someone help! i can't believe that just happened! and it was right after i finished telling chris about the cars that drive around like that every night ...
i think someone really is stalking me!!! i even saw the guy! he's a sloppy looking guy about 230 lbs, hair that's kinda long, but not, kinda tall, and drives a nice car. do i call the police now or later???
...but making 'friends' online only frusterates me and makes me mad. really really frusterated. it's like yeah, i've got all these friends, but as far as we know, we all live in a box called a computer... so i have one more person to type to, to look at, to read about, but so what? it's nice to know that good people do exist...but how does it help me or them if we can be 'friends' online? yeah and maybe we could form some deep emptional connection ... and etc. and i can run home after school to get on the computer to talk to them.... but think .... that's pathetic ...i am already pathetic. all i really seem to have is friends on the internet...even friends that were once real are now only on the internet and i fear that one day no one will ever leave their house and we will all live in virtual worlds, in front of our computer...[ok, but how are we going to eat? i don't know...but still...lol]
my point is that i want friends in real life. i don't want to find anymore good people that live so far away. that makes me feel like smashing something. it's like teasing a horse with a carrot type thing...the horse keeps going forward and will never get the carrot becausee the carrot will always be far away from the horse. in other words, whatever time and energy and effort i put into friendships online, will never pay off, we will never meet, we will never hang out. i want someone that lives down the street from me, someone that i can skateboard with, someone that i can go by candy with at the little store down the street, someone that i can just 'hang out' with ... there's something really amazing about just hanging out with a person, in person, and you really take that for granted and don't notice it when you have it...
but when you don't .... it's so amazing when you actually hang out with a person again. any person. a new person. something about that kind of contact, of connection....
you can never get that from a computer, you can never feel the way you are supposed to feel when you have a friend...i mean, yeah, you can love and care about someone of the internet ... like i love my heather and jen and chris b. and so on, but there's just something missing .... without that actual human contact, you can't bond to people right, you can't get everything you need .... i just want to be able to touch people, to hear them, to look at them ....
and so what am i supposed to do when i find good people that live in texas and virgina and so on? someone please tell me!?!! what do i do? can i kidnap them all and make them move to my neighborhood? lol i mean, whatever i do is pointless ....
i want to sit with someone on the kitchen floor and talk about ghosts we thought we saw when we were little, i want to eat icecream in the park with a huge spoon and laugh about it, i want to sit on the curb and night and hang out with people that live on my street ...
i want to make memories ... that's it ... that's what i want ... that's what's missing.
online, what are you supposed to do? "hey remember that one time we were talking on aim and my font was blue? oh yeah, that was just so funny" ....see? it doesn't work ...
so now that i know exactley why online friends are not satisfying how do i fix the problem? i hate wasting time emailing and iming people, i wouldn't mind seeing them in person, that wouldn't feel like a waste of time ... but i can't see them in person, so what do i do with all these good people? do i just not talk to them? should i throw my computer away? would i rather just not meet them at all? i hate feeling this way. it makes me feel like i'm in jail and can't see any of my friends type thing.... i guess the internet is much like jail in that sense ... wow...
anyway, someone tell me how to fix my problem, please?
from an article of top 10 things not to say to guys: [10 bloodcurdling lines that scare men most by By Bob Strauss]
"Don't worry, kitty won't bite." No, she won't bite, but she'll scratch, shed and shred furniture. It's a known scientific fact (you can look it up) that, way deep down, 75 percent of guys are terrified of cats. really? 75% of guys are afraid of cats?? lol that's because cats are smarter than them ;) just like girls. tee hee
"What are you thinking?" Such a simple question, and yet so fraught. Here's a peek into the average guy's thought processes: Does she want an honest answer? Does she want me to make something up? If I say the wrong thing, will she send me to clean the bathroom? i always ask this question and always will, and i expect honest answers, and if you *lie* you will be sent to clean the bathroom! lol ;) i think it's funny, another example of men finally admitting the power women have other them lol : will she send me to clean the bathroom? lol it always seems as if all men are really just little babies and the girl is always the mom and not the girlfriend ... almost always... don't you think that's very true? the ex-ideal image of the strong controlling 50's husband is completely gone. lol we now see that men are all secretley weak ; ) just like cute little two year olds. : )
yay! no school tomorrow either! this is heaven! except i should probably study for my midterm on thursday! lol i haven't even opened the book yet ... i could easily fail ... someone force me to work! i don't want to do homework! noooooo! lol
i missed yet another photoshoot today, thanks to my skin looking horrible from not sleeping and doing webdesign! :( that's a total of four photographers/photoshoots i've lost now, thank you web design. lol i mean, i could take pix, but i don't want to wast everyone's time and money if my skin sucks lol anyway it's not quite so exciting to get your pictures taken when you can do it yourself ... lol unless they use the photos for print ... which i'm sure they won't. lol
what a pointless post this is. like you care about any of this. lol like i care about any of this ... lol i should try to write less pointless posts. lol
oh my goodness! it's like 90 degrees in my house again!!! ahhh! it's so hot! stupid fires! : (
fire update: 99%+ of schools are closed/lots of employees are not working; businesses closed /people are supposed to stay off the roads, near their houses, in their houses, don't breathe air! /conserve water use, conserve power/keiser canceled all it's normal appointments today and is open to emergencies only /2,500 firefighters are fighting the fires/ Gov. Gray Davis declared a state of emergency in San Diego, San Bernardino, Los Angeles and Ventura counties/over 130,000 acres burned ...winds keep making fire jump to new places/some of the fires are about 15 min.s from my school/monday night football game has moved to another state!/35-45 mile long fire!! read more...
once, about 5 years ago, i lived in the canyon/hills and there were fires so close to our house that i could see the fires right out my window! but we didn't burn : ( which sucked because i lived in a group home and i wanted it to burn and i also wished for a war in america, all so that i could run away...but none of it ever happened. lol ...or maybe it's all just happening 4 years too late. lol
*listening to radio* wow...i think all of southern california is going to burn down lol
i got an email from a somewhat new visitor to my site, commenting on how he liked this new design much better, and i realize that a lot of you haven't seen my old designs.... [caution: they suck! lol --- read bottom of post to find out why they suck. lol] so here.... [really bad screenshots taken just now...lol i saved too many as .gif's and not .jpg's oops! i didn't know that gifs looked THAT bad. lol bad, but not that bad. :) ]:
so i have this pile of papers and things on my desk, you know 'important stuff to do' ...and it just sits there...if i don't do something right away, it will never get done! like i owe someone a thank you card, and i owe heather a letter, and i have some unopened letters from my mom from *months* ago [if you saw her handwriting, you'd understand ...even doctors would get a headache! lol ok, ok, it's not bad, i just can't read it sometimes. lol] ...yeah, so it's funny, the most important stuff is in there, yet i never do it, instead i'll do other things that are new and need to be done instead.... same with emails sometimes.... i'll have 150 to respnd to, and i'll respond to some of the new ones, but take forever on the old ones... eep! heather's letter wasn't meant to go in that pile! lol right when i got it i spent at least 40 min.s looking for the right paper and pens to use, and then ending up throwing everything away ...everytime i wrote, it didn't look right! lol maybe i will try to get some stuff tomorrow? seems procrastination is my newly aquired friend :)
mary's attempt at getting me to put back my comments and guestbook lol:
hey are you going to put the comments/guestbook back up? I dunno... but personally i think millions of people are dying to comment on something; anything, and not given the chance to and wouldn't you like positive feedback etc etc for all that you've done and written?
Well i suppose this is quite a pathetic attempt at convincing you to put them back up heh heh :)
cute. lol should i put them back up? taking them off obviously has not kept me off the computer! lol
i've decided that i must be a vampire and just don't know it. lol i stay up all night (until the sun comes up lol) and i also bite people. lol don't ask how or when it started, lol, all i know is that i've been biting people for at least 5 years... actually i don't really bite that much anymore .. lol after being ridiculed for it at a frat party [but not for biting someone at that party, my lovely 'friends' just decided to make it the topic of conversation...i think that was at least strike 3 that night for those evil bitches! ...not to mention that i stopped taking to them a month or so after that] ... but it's no fair! cicely bites people and she's a sorority girl!! how does she get away with that? lol ewww sororities are sooo dumb. ick. i'd definitely rather have no friends than be friends with most of those people!! lol
....it's really sad, i have this 'friend' from highschool that was really shallow and so on, and she was just starting to really understand the world and stop being shallow, she even left her shallow friends!...then she graduated and became a sorority girl and that was the end of that! she slowly became shallow again, even worse than before.... she's fun to hang out with, but i would never even try to have a real conversation with her!! it's so sad...i wish she was a real person, i think that she would make a good person.... yeah, but another demonstration of how much she cares about other people: she's not reading this. lol. guaranteed. i don't even have to worry that she 'might' read it, because i know she won't. she's probably off at some party somewhere or hanging out with people that she doesn't care about who don't care about her ... what a sad, sad life. what's even sadder is that she's happy. she doesn't understand enough to realize what she's doing....poor girl... .......... on another note, moths really frighten me in a strange way... they are outside my window, trying desperately to fly through the glass, and it looks as though they would 'attack' if i were to open the window...
i finally found a use for the blogger "description tag" ... lol ...i put it with the picture of the day, so i can easily update the text with the picture... let's just hope i don't forget to update it!.... i've often thought of using the description tag to update my links .... (like put all the links in there) that would be a good thing for blogger to make ... another random tag that goes in your blog: you would just type in all your links and so it would be much easier to change your template.... i wonder if the title and description tags let you type that much in them .... hmmm ... heather, you might want to look into that maybe ;) since you change your template more than anyone i know...lol
so i swear someone just took a picture off me through my window....or something!! help! eep! stalker?
pretendtobreathe (1:01:52 AM): something just flashed! pretendtobreathe (1:01:56 AM): outside my window pretendtobreathe (1:02:00 AM): at me gojason@mac.com (1:02:03 AM): like a camera? pretendtobreathe (1:02:06 AM): in my eye!!! pretendtobreathe (1:02:09 AM): yeah maybe pretendtobreathe (1:02:12 AM): and then i look pretendtobreathe (1:02:14 AM): and i see pretendtobreathe (1:02:17 AM): a red light pretendtobreathe (1:02:31 AM): so it's either a camera or a sniper lol pretendtobreathe (1:02:41 AM): and i'm topless, so either one is scary lol
....it was really scary!! the red light was soooooo strong, like a laser almost.... my friend assured me that snipers don't uses flashes...so yeah ....but i still think it was a sniper... ;) LOL!
i hope it wasn't really a camera, [or a person trying to kill me]... eep! *hides* maybe i should put my computer on the floor?
whatever it was had a super-strong flash and a super-strong redlight thing.... maybe it was an alien stalker! lol anyone have any ideas??
thanks to the fires my school has been closed! (at least for tomorrow) ..yay! lol
but on another note, i think it's sooooo sad that people are losing their houses ... i don't know what i would do if i had bought a house, and then it was just gone .... that would be a complete loss of stability....i really don't think i would be able to deal with that ... it reminds me of that feeling you have after a car accident, but much much worse .... wow ...it's just too much to think about .... where are the people going to live? what are they going to do??? what if they don't have friends? where will they go? : (
is the world ending soon? san diego's on fire!! wow. i woke up and th sky is covered with smoke, you can't see the sun at all, there is ash falling to the ground and the air smells burnt. and here i am with the windows open breathing it in ... eep
sea world is closed. some of the freeways are closed. people are not supposed to drive and we are being told to conserve energy. i guess they are closing the highschools tomorrow.... [please close colleges too!!! lol]
it's so scary, they say that the fire could go to la jolla and that's where my college is... eep! i think i wished many times that my school would burn down ... lol
the other day, there was a fire 2 hours away, by my uncle's house, and he was supposed to evacute, but he couldn't because he has like 5 big dogs, and he didn't know where to go! anyway the fire burned down his neighbor's house!! it stopped right before it got to my uncle's house ... wow.
anyway, some people have died :( and the nice houses in the subsurbs are burning down.....25 miles+ of fire [80,000 arces of fire in one place....]
so what do you guys think of the new design? it took FOREVER!! yes, ANOTHER new design! and now i will fail acting class! lol
please let me know if you find anything wrong with it...i was trying to hurry and get it done in just a couple days, so who knows what i overlooked! anyway, you get to scroll from side to side instead of up and down ... it's really fun! try using the side arrow keys too! lol
i was going fo a comic strip/ wide screen movie look....
i think that maybe it looks better without the popup now ... let me know what you guys think!!.... (but you have to look at it in 1024x768 for you answer to be valid ... lol)
okay, and fine, let me know if there are any problems with it in 800x600 ... lol
who's using the resolution of 800x600 ? if you are, i'm going to kill you : ) lol everything looks SO HORRIBLE with that resolution! pictures, designs, even fonts!
quickly! change your resolution to 1024x768! hurry, hurry! you're ruining all my hard work if you are looking at this in 600x800!! go to control panel, then display, and then settings and then change your resolution!!! 1024x768 is the 'professional' resolution ...if you are using anything else, you are probably not viewing a lot of sites right...
i'm very tempted to put my comments and guestbook back up.... it feels so lonely without them. it feels like i'm talking to no-one. i don't care if i get over 5000 hits a week, it still feels like no-one is reading this... it's funny, i took the comments off right when lots of people were finally commenting... what timing i have! lol should i put them back or not? i obviously cannot seem to get off the internet either way. lol
i put my newest 'song' on the main page pop up window thing. i wonder if it works? lol i hate dial up! it'll be years before i find out if it plays okay or not ... i'm getting too comfotable with these poorly recorded, never praticed, badly sounding songs lol ...the latest one even has the end cut off! but i couldn't re-record it because my mic. went back into "i'm broken and i refuse to work status." haha
"Hello there ~ I wanted to let you know that we have moved out of the area. It was not because Leslie found out how to contact us, but the timing of it worked well anyway. Peter has taken a job several hundred miles away from our previous residence.
May, your mom did call and talk to one of our staff back at the Ranch saying that she looked around in your computer and found our contact information. From there she got on the internet and found out other information about us. So, unfortunately, I will not be able to provide you with our forwarding information. You may continue to have contact with us as much as you like, however you will need to direct that through Margaret Cusack at Orange County Social Services. If you need the address, let me know...I know your mom has it, too.
Hope all is well...
~ Jen"
addressed to me, my aunt, and someone else, that was an email from my brother's adopted mom. fucking fake christians, i hope they all go to hell. i hate her. she's so stupid. so what if my mom has her address? it's not like she's going to do anything. adoption should be illegal. especially when it's against the real parents will. oh and so just because they are worried that my mom will get their 'new' information, i don't get to have it ... oh well, you know what fuck them anyway .... if my mom can't have their information, then i don't want it either. that's not fair anyway: to leave my mom out of it... it's her fucking child! adoption laws or not, i still believe it's her child. i still think she should have the right to contact him. fuck america. fuck the system. this place SUCKS.
fucking big fat white americans that run the country, think they know what's best ... control and run OTHER people's lives, interfere with their HAPPY families.... that's the TRUTH behind this illusion of a free country ...
how's it a free country if they can come into my house, take me and my brother away from our HAPPINESS. throw my mom into a hospital for "depression" all based on ASSUMTIONS? and then they let some cheap fake christian bitch adopt my brother, TAKE PART OF MY FAMILY away. screw up my life, tell me where i have to live and what color i can have my hair, and what i can wear and so on... that's what they did to me.... your fucking beloved america ...
part of an email from someone: "Glad to see things are going well for you!!" ....are they? do you know something i don't?? is the car braking down constantly and missing class and getting tickets and chris's cell phone getting stolen GOOD things??? and what about the things you don't know? what about the things that i don't say? that are only coded into my poetry or random things i say? read "day dream" .... can't you tell that things are not "going well" ?? lines that say: i want to get away from the past, be lied to that everything is okay, be distracted from reality, made blind because i don't want to see that there's no one left to care ......hello??? HOW does that tell you that things are going well?! obviously with lines like those, things are not going so well... "Glad to see things are going well for you!!" ....what a suburban fake line! just like "how are you?"; "Good" ...standard lines that they use....no one listens to the answer...the answer is always supposed to be "good" and if you say "bad" people are shocked, if they actually even notice your answer!
everyday i have to deal with what's left of my mom, that she isn't the same...i have to deal with her and her problems, and with the fact that my brother is adopted and i don't get to see him...i have to deal with the fact that the place i want to go, the home i need to go back to doesn't exist, it's no where... that i'm trapped in a place in time that i wasn't supposed to be at, that i grew up without a part of my life, and so on and on...
you have no idea, and if you did, you still wouldn't be able to understand.
oh and then someone else says that they have a good relationship with their boyfriend like me and chris. who said that chris and i have a "good" relationship? what do you know about my relationship with chris? chris has done some pretty horrible things to me. and i've done some horrible things to him. we don't even kiss anymore. we just live together. some days we don't even have time to talk to each other. is that a "good" relationship? this website could not possibly contain all of the things in my life. there isn't enough disk-space. lol. and besides what goes on between me and chris stays between us, you know? it's not junior high anymore...
click here to download and/or listen to my newest song thing it's done with sound recorder lol and the guitar on it some tape of chris making a song that's not perfect yet, and so on and on. the song is far from perfect, in fact the end is even cut off, but yeah....it works. lol i recorded it a few days ago....
words: [written 10/19/03] day dream
can you fill up my time? can you distract my mind? take me away from reality will you make me believe that something is real that my scars have healed i just want to get away from the past it always seems to last
can you distract me for awhile? can you maybe make me smile? understand my thoughts listen to me and not get lost can we believe in make believe make me blind, i don't want to see the life that's really there that there's no one left to care
well i did it again. i dropped another class today. i'm down to 12 units....i've done this three quarters in a row now... eep! it's going to make college turn into 5 years of college...nooooo! ....i'm just too tired...i still think i'm dying lol ... the doctor says i'm not.... and i'm smart enough to outwit any pychologists, so i will always be fine in that way too. so therefore nothing is wrong with me.... so why am i so tired?!!? and what's with my cough that won't go away? oh well. if the doctors are that dumb to say i have nothing when i have a cough, then i will just sue then (after i'm dead, of course! lol)
ok so yeah ... goodnight. [no im not going to bed, but i'm too tired to think or make sense.]
the power that a woman can have over a man, ... and i hate those words so i'll change them: the power that a girl can have over a boy, when it comes to things like love and lust, is absoultely amazing. So many boys would do anything for the one girl that they love at the time. starve, die, anything at all. anything for her. it's crazy, and i will never quite understand how that type of love is often given so easily....it's almost as if it isn't given, as if the boy has no choice and is under some kind of spell ... even the most powerful man can be broken by a woman ....
a very smart person said this. "loving someone isn't about always being with them or like owning them it's a feeling that you get when you talk to the person wanting them to succeed and do good and be happy." yes. that's exactley what love is. it's about caring about the other person. it has nothing to do with anything like "oh i love you because you're nice" that's not love .... love is: "i love you even though you're not nice." lol which doesn't mean they can't be nice though. lol ....it's caring about someone no matter what, even if they have nothing to offer or give you ... love is the one thing that goes against our selfish nature, and in that sense, doesn't make any sense at all.
it's funny how many things i regret in life ... i mean, not tons, but a lot .... and i hate when people say "no regrets" and "everything happens for a reason" and blah blah blah... that's just their excuse, that's how they LIE to themselves ... when they are doing something wrong, even against their own rules sometimes..... what, should i go out and kill you and say (soft psychologist voice:) "oh well, it's okay, everything happens for a reason" riiight, sure, yeah, okay ... NO! lol ....everything does not happen for a reason, sorry. everything happens because someone deliberatley made it happen! it is someone's fault. you need to take responsibility for your own actions...it's that simple....it's your fault...
and you...i sure hope that you were not talking to me in that comment...no of course it wasn't worth it...and guess what? if you would actually listen to me or try to understand me for once in your life, instead of living inside your dilusional head, you might find out or realize that it was not want i wanted. ever. it was what you wanted. it was your fault. i hated you. i always hated you. and now i only hate you more. you caused the entire thing to happen. it was you. all entirely you. you and your selfishness. my life was fine at the time. i was happy for the first time in years, and it was you that made me fall again. you that pushed me down. you that tangled up my life so badly that everything i had worked for came undone and may never be fixed again. everything was perfect and you smashed it. you broke into a world that you did not belong in. you took what wasn't yours. you stole. you are guilty. you ruined something. it was you. and now i will forever carry the result of your selfishness in my heart. burry in down, destroy my health, do whatever it takes so that your selfishness will not spread to hurt others. i'm not taking the easy way. no. the easy thing would be to talk; to let others be affected by your disease. that would be the easy thing to do. cause chaos. yes, that's what you want me to do. that would satisfy your evil need to hurt other people. but no. i'm not going to give in to what you want. i'm going to shut up. i won't say a word. even if it kills me, and it is killing me....it's the only thing i can do... [besides kill myself....which would be another easy way out--not having to live with this burden that you have given me....] yeah, so "la la la la la" see? look at me... "i'm fine" i am... see? i'm smiling. i'll be fine. i'll survive through this like i have through everything else ... you are the most selfish person i have ever met and i hate you for doing this to me ... i hate you.
a song i wrote a year and a half ago or so, that i've had stuck in my head for some reason:
pessimistic world
i live so happily in my pessimistic world but sometimes... i let the excitement creep in it plays with my mind an optimistic thought oh this could be disaster oh don't let me down once more
chorus: oh optimistic, pessimistic you always say i'm wrong 'it's hope the keeps us going' but i must disagree cuz every time i get my hopes up they get shot right down.
what's the use of reforming my negative way when everything's the same when once again it's canceled oh i blame, your optimistic way you can't count on the future or the people of today
the thought of a cashless society scares me. i don't like all this technology! make it go away! i liked it better when i was 4 years old and computers and cell phones were rare ....
anyone notice the HUGE jump in technology starting in the 1950's or so? TV's rocketships going to the moon computers cell phones, etc ... and what was there before that? just decades before, people were farming and living life like they had for thousands of years .... and then suddenlly we develope all this stuff all at once...
Chris's poly-sci. teacher said that our goverment has to answer almost any question we ask them, unless it has to do we the security of our country/military and that many people ask "is there and area 51? does it exist?" And the government did NOT say 'no' they said "We can't tell you that..." etc.... whish means that there could be aliens afterall... and his teacher thinks that's where we got all our technology suddenly from .... in the 50's with all those "UFO crashes" .....
just something to think about.
also, if you have time, like i don't, read "Behold a pale horse" by William Milton Cooper .... i've only read a few pages of it, but he was some ex-military intelligence guy and had serval attempts at his life for trying to tell about the the things he knew .... he died 3 months after i read part of that book...anyway, if the stuff in that book is true, you might just want to kill yourself now. lol ....
so i finally took this old personality disorder test since chris did. lol i'm actually quite normal *this week* lol most people get like 'high' on everything. lol i didn't even get a 'high' or a 'very high' on anything ... that's so weird. lol
oh how cute!! a little hummingbird just flew up to my window and said hi to me! he hovered, stared at me, chirped, and then flew off. this is the second time one came to my window at this house ... it's very strange because i live on the second floor and there are no trees or anything by my window at all!
haha. okay FINE jason! lol "thank you" to jason for helping me with the tr/td code on the sides of this new site ... not like i needed code to hold the images, but for some reason i wanted it! lol. each image on the sides and bottom is held in it's own little tr/td table thing, (oh but i did the bottom ones by myself and the rest of the code of course) ... it was like 5am? 3am? 8am? something like that and i was much too tired to code anymore so i took the easy way out and asked jason, and because he is god (lol) he wrote the bit of code i needed in like 5 minutes!! if i had coded it on my own, and being that tired, it would have taken at least 30 min.s! it felt so weird to ask someone for help....SO weird. i usually am determined to do everything on my own... yeah, so if you have $$$ to spare, maybe he'll make you a website. but unlike me, he charges real prices ... so you probably can't afford it!
oh yeah jason lives in hillcrest (in san diego, CA) like me! we live about 4 streets apart or so (i live on 3rd and he lives on front st. which is one before 1st ... i think.....) but we've never met in person ... yet ....i'll probably see him at electoluxe when i turn 21 ... he's old ... he's 27 ... ewww ... lol just kidding jason ;) you're not that old haha....my friend patrice is 40 and she's one of my closet friends ... maybe that's sad in a way, ... or maybe it's better, because almost everyone my own age is selfish and immature and really dumb... it's funny though i went clubbing with her once at the palace in hollywood and these two guys tried to hit on us ... the one that was 21+ went after me and the boy that was only 18+ went after her!!! we were laughing about it for days! she was old enough to be his mom!!! i think she was 38 at the time....
wow. so that quiz that i missed because i missed a day of school was actually moved to the next class, but i still hadn't studied for it at all, and guess what, by guessing i got a 9 out of 10 !!!! i'm taking the class pass/no pass and i'm wondering if i should change it (if it's not too late already) to graded ... i have almost 100% in that class!! the only problem is that the midterm is next week and i haven't even read a page of the book!!! eeep! i'm too tired all the time. it's too hard to go to school .... i'm so behind in all my classes, i haven't even looked at the syllabuses!! and i've missed two days of class ... too tired ...why am i always so tired? not a minute goes by where i don't feel tired, and i'm still sick ... i've been sick for like two months now, just a cough and stuff, and it's gotten better, but it seems as if it will never go away. i need a vaccation! i want to get away from school and stress and bills and everything! i'm not even living day to day, i'm only surviving .....
lalalalalala i never went to bed last night. im tired. aaahhh. im going crazy. lol oh but i did record some songs with "sound recorder" LOL! i need to sing once every 6 months. lol that's all i ever sing. haha. no time for myself in this world, just for homework, and trying to help people with their problems, and on and on and on. i've gotten to paint my nails twice in the past 2 years. i need a vaccation, and i need to throw away the computer!!! it's evil!! it eats my time!
oh great. not again. i thought we were done with this game: "Hello, just wanted to let you know that there is a person sending your pictures (as links), she sent them to me, I figured its not her, however, I did check out your site, pix, story and heard your music. [more stuff here : ) removed] Oh the girl's email is SPARKLEDUX139@aol.com just so you know."
Yeah, so hate mail time!! weeeee! everyone send her hate mail!! it will be fun! lol
god, why do people have to steal other people's pictures and pretend to be them. that is SO LAME!!!! i don't want some idiot little girl making me look bad!! yeah, so if you get email from anything that's not MAY@ [maystardesigns.com] it's not me!! i also DON'T IM people really, and i'm not on any "rate me" sites like FTJ and not even friendster .... so if you see pictures of me somewhere, or links to my pictures, or someone is claiming to be me, LET ME KNOW!!! lol
i could always make like 3 "stock type" photos of me to put on my site and password protect the rest, but PLEASE don't make me do that! just because it's the internet does NOT mean it's okay to steal!! EVERYTHING is copyrighted and if you take a pictuce without permission, you ARE stealing .....
oh whatever. i hate the internet! one day i'm going to grow up to be a crazy person and i'm going to go shoot everyone who ever stole my pictures!! lol and i'm VERY good at "stalking" people ... right rachel?? hahaha ; )
so here's that band i was in for two days. lol did a blow yet another opportunity? i couldn't help it.... there were too many money problems and i couldn't think. i didn't have time to create or to put lyrics to songs....and it was scary working with so many experienced musicians instead of just guitarists... i mean everyone has to start somewhere, but i just can't seem to start at all ....everything becomes a dead end....i can't believe that band wanted me, out of everyone they auditioned, they actually wanted *me* little ol' me....and everyone knows that i can't really sing...i can't believe they picked me....AJ, one of the guitarists liked me "de de de" song a lot.... that's my favorite song of mine to sing i think ... it's the only one that i can really put emotion in to, while singing ... the others are all too soft...you know, that band never did find a lead singer ....or so it seems by looking at their new website design...i guess they gave up...lol
sometimes i feel like i'm going nowhere i am going nowhere. but when i think about it; it doesn't matter if i'm going nowhere. going nowhere and going somewhere have the same end result. they both end in death. whatever you accomplish, whatever you work hard to do, will just distintegrate. because you die. we die. whatever we do in life it all ends in death, so why even bother? this life is completely pointless and worthless. life of any kind is pointless. everything is pointless. without a point, i just can't be motivated. why would i want to go somewhere in life just to die? it's not logical to me. why work so hard for something without a reason? why suffer just to die? this life is just a waste of my time. yes i know what i said, think about it more and it might make sense. ........something, something,something, my computer has deleted this post twice now, and so this is the third time i've tried to write it and i've lost interest. there's only a certain amount of times you can say the same thing over again without going mad!
okay, so again i was writing all this stuff and it got delteted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the page decide to close! grrrrrrr! fuck computers! i pour my heart out and then it deletes it! grrr!
can you fill up my time? can you distract my mind? take me away from reality will you make me believe that something is real that my scars have healed i just want to get away from the past it always seems to last
can you distract me for awhile? can you maybe make me smile? understand my thoughts listen to me and not get lost can we believe in make believe make me blind, i don't want to see the life that's really there that there's no one left to care
how often do i link things? almost never ....so that's how you know that this is good.lol click here, buy these sheets!! lol they are reaaaaaaaaaaallly soft!! cotton jersey sheets!! and then are on sale - less than $17 or so, only $10 if you only have a twin sized bed. lol and if you know anything about sheets, "classy, quality" sheets are like $100- $200 or so ... but i swear these are better!! i have bright cherry red ones and they are the best sheets i've ever had in my life! [oh yeah, so i bought some more too...lol] i know, you 14 year olds must think i'm old talking about sheets! lol but they are just soooooooo soft ... make your parents buy you some! lol
this is betty, BOB's girlfriend. lol if you didn't meet Bob, search my site for "bob" and you should be able to find him and the story. I just made Betty, because Chris B. anf Heather suggested it somehow .... so yay, now bob has a girlfriend.... lol
back when i was a busser-almost a waitress (i did THAT much work! lol) i used to draw characters like bob and betty and sue and so on on napkins and give them to people that were eating alone, and tell them that this was their new friend or something... lol ... hey, you do what you have to do to get tips when you are a busser! lol and it was fun ... haha i used to also tell people that the aliens had stolen all the silverwear and that water cost $5 million dollars. i made more tips then the waitresses did on some days - note, they were all about 60 years old, slow, and had bad attitudes .... the most i ever made was either $40 or $47 ...on morning shift ...i would usually make closer to $27 .... other bussers made about $8 .... yeah, working in laughlin, nv in a smoked filled casino restaraunt really sucked. lol and on top of that, min. wage there is only $5.35 an hour!! (or so) ... so i was making only that much trying to save for college in CA ... lol and i worked sooooooo hard too :( i used to get 1000"s of positive comment cards from customers everyday (and the cards were supposed to be for waitresses not bussers ... lol ... they hated me!) and STILL my boss that loved me would not give me a raise .... grrr!! it sucks to be a girl .... never get paid more than min. wage, even when you are the manager ... at least that's how it is to be a May .... and i swear i work and care harder than anyone you've ever seen. lol including trying to get the boys to stop smoking pot in the back and go do things!!! lol i bet they hated me too .... lol okay i am rambling .... i need to go to sleep now ... 10am .... yay... i HATE being on this schedule :( i feel like i miss thousands of days!! someone help! lol
heather, where exactley do you live? i remember you talking about the hurricane, so i kinda know .... but what exact state/city??? email me. i keep wondering. lol
weee!! i just went to my own forum for the first time in weeks ... go there!! we can have avatars now! and sig.s !! that's the best thing about forums!! go to the forum!! it's perfect now!!! (except for the one banner ad ... but at least it's only one and there are no pop ups!!)
if you have a website, things you must know: 1) you can't have spaces in file names, like "cat is black.html" or "the black cat.jpg" ...sometimes it will halfway work, but only in some browsers and so on. so you would need to rename your file to something like "the_black_cat.jpg" or "theblackcat.jpg" and so on.... 2) if you name a file "IamAhampster.JPG" [lol] and then want to link to it, you have to keep the caps the same, "iamaHAMPSTER.jpg"will NOT work, nor will "iamahampster.jpg" or anything that isn't exactley: IamAhampster.JPG" . click this link for an example: NoWar ... now try to change the url to "nowar.html" and hit enter.... see? it doesn't work ... it goes to the error page!
i learned this about 10 months ago... maybe? .... back when i had an angelfire account and no domain name. lol i know people that make $100,000++ a year working with computers and they don't even know that! lol someone should really explain these things to people. lol ...yeah, so if you are ever having a problem getting a link to work...that just might be your problem ....
oh yeah, and last night, in attempts at avoiding homework, i completely re-designed chris's site and even made graphics for it lol. see it here! ....and i could have hung out with my michelle <3 yesterday instead.... what is wrong with me???!!! lol
hey no fair!!! .... i do this too ... but i never thought of making money off it! i never thought someone would want to buy a cut up tee shirt! [but i don't do the exact same thing lol ... i make simpler, more wearable shirts] ...so yeah, anyone want to buy a shirt? my newest design is a simple halter top - cropped, but i'm sure i could make it un-cropped too, with a silver or red glitter design of your choice on the front. $16 with no design, $20 with a design.... email me if you want one.... since i never got my clothing site up :( ...oh well...
yay! i finally updated the uniquists site and added 9 new profiles. [i also updated/edited 2 or 3] [view all profiles] If you tried to get a profile, and have not heard from me, please try again... i have no more unread uniquists emails... I just basically added everyone, even a few people that i thought weren't very unique, but who am i to judge? there are also 11 new members, but these people have not signed up for profiles. if you are a memeber without a profile, please sign up for one! (but you don't have to of course)
also, note that the link to the uniquist site has changed, please update your links!
thinking again... it's funny that all someone needs is a little human contact to go on; a little fun ... and to know that someone, at least one person cares about them. it can really make such a difference...
without that, people tend to become sucidal and don't know what life is for and so on, because they are not distracted [a word that jason might like to own], they have time to think. to understand, and to think of all the things that are not understandable. ignorance is bliss. it is. thinking will get you nowhere except for spirialing into unhappiness and eventually death. although, those of us that so think sometimes wish the rest of you would think, because we feel that if someone could understand us, if everyone could understand each other, that the world wouldn't be such a horrible place.... and while that's probably true, and would have a much better outcome, i think it is near impossible to get that many people to think ... so in that case: stay dumb, don't think, stay happy.kinda like my old political cartoon thing [click here] ...as long as you are in your bubble and happy, you're fine. you are content with the fact that you do everything you do here on earth, [like slave away working and working hard, trying to get a raise - just to buy a house, try to impress people with all the things you own and do, and so on] all just to DIE in the end. that's right, somehow you are happy and content with that fact. most likely it's because you don't think about that fact, or even know that it exists. when you are out of your bubble, you realize "hey wait, why am i suffering through this 'life' all just to die in the end!!?!!?? -- it's so pointless" and then you become extremely depressed or kill yourself. that's what the cartoon is all about...but there's another part not in the cartoon:
or ... you could then think, "well ok, life is not completely pointless, the point to life is that there is a god, and the only point of this life is that it's like a video game and you are trying to get to the next level - or heaven" ... and then if you believe that, you realize that you are doing tons of things wrong like being materialistic and caring about the stupidest things that you won't keep when you die---and so then if you are smart, you realize that you need to change, or if you are dumb, you go back into your same old bubble...and block out everything you know, and go back to not thinking.
a little piece of heaven to distract you from reality a distraction, like everything something to fill up your time so that you don't think so much too much so that you don't kill yourself so that you stay alive i'm not sure why you'd ever want to a little piece of heaven to distract you from reality
no, of course you don't introduce the girl you 'like' to your super hot, super sweet friend. especially if he's going to stare at her all night, and especially if you are pyscho, ugly, mean, discusting, weird, and the girl almost hates you...of course she's going to like the other boy and not you! of course! lol and no, she's not going to 'n
this is betty, BOB's girlfriend. lol if you didn't meet Bob, search my site for "bob" and you should be able to find him and the story. I just made Betty, because Chris B. anf Heather suggested it somehow .... so yay, now bob has a girlfriend.... lol