here's how it works: you write three statements about yourself, but only one of the statements should be true; make up the other two.... [keep which one is really true to yourself!!!] try to make the statements interesting/shocking... otherwise you ruin the game. [when i played this with katie and her friends, she said "you have to try to make the statements shocking, scandalous, or (at the very least) interesting. Try not to make one of your statements what you had for lunch or what your dog?s name is--that?s lame."]
my own Two Lies and a Truth: 1. my cat was eaten by the landlady. 2. i once dated one of the guys from blink 182. 3. i stole a car once and returned it to the same spot.
okay, mine aren't very good, please make yours better. lol
now, go to the comment box and leave your own 'Two Lies and a Truth'! be brave. you can do it. lol ...and tell your friends to come play!
broken dreams made from twisted seams it was never there imagination carved the world red velvet dress in the rain yellow laundromat was god you never cared dwelling on yourself i was always alone voice goes on and on pierces ears never stops falling into maddness reality is death dreams die when woken after childhood comes horror close your eyes it's too much to swallow bury it down if you can but it's too late that world is gone go to sleep, go to sleep but the dream is surely gone and the voice screeched forever on and on.
twisted perceptions.... i really hate how people judge and assume and on and on and on, based solely on the appearance of something. i mean i guess it can be hard not to. ...like say you see like all these guys in nazi uniforms and they are all mean to you (and you have green skin and silver eyes lol) ...so then you would assume that all nazi's are going to be mean to you. it makes sense. it's logical, it's somewhat scientific...but it's still WRONG! i've had every shade of red hair, brown hair, blue hair, pink hair, blonde hair, etc. i change my style all the time ...my best friends have almost always been either 'gothic'/some random thing or 'real' (as in people that don't lie or conform) and yet still, every time i have blonde hair it feels as if that is ALL people can see. like the hipsters/scenesters/goths/emo/whatever the hell they label themselves look at me and think "oh blonde girl = snobby, shallow, something..." and it's like i look at them and think "oh they MIGHT make a good friend" .... and they have no idea that they are the ones i tend to end up hanging out with somehow and that i can relate to them better than most other people (except for their OWN type of snobby/shallow/fakeness they have) ...it's so horrible. i just don't ever fit in anywhere, because everyone is always judging, judging, judging .....i'm probably not 'cool' enough to be friends with scenesters because 1)i have blonde hair 2) i only know 10% of the bands they do (i'm sorry but i just really don't have time to listen to 200 new bands EVERY DAY!) and i don't fit in with preppy/mainstream/whatever people because 1) my hair is CHEAP blonde. it cost like $5, i did not go to 'le salon' to get it done. it doesn't look like theirs. it didn't cost $150..."LiKE oH my gOdD, hEr hAiR lOokS trAsheY!" 2) i don't understand those people one bit. and they don't understand me. i've tried to be friends with them and the connection is just not there. they talk about the most shallow things that make me want to stab them and their problems are so petty and they lie and are secretive and have always betrayed my trust.... see? now i'm stereotyping people, it's contagious! haha but seriously, i will always keep trying to be friends with EVERYONE, so my putting people into categories doesn't harm anything. basically anyone that is selfish gets thrown into that preppy category. lol
it seems as though the people that make the best friends are random people. people that have no style. people that don't care one bit what people think of them. the ones that don't try to label themselves or fit in.
i just hate how people just look at my blonde hair and maybe the fact that i wear clothes that aren't brown and the fact that i have pictures of myself all over *gasp* MY website and think that i'm stuck up or self absorbed or snobby or selfish or something ...because i'm NOT!!!! i'm like the nicest person ever and i'm not self-absorbed and i'm NOT stuck up [how can one be stuck up when they are ugly and get made fun of for the way they dress????????????]
this is how it is, and maybe i will write this on a sign and wear it on my forehead everyday: in "REAL" life, i'm shy. i feel self-conscious when walking down the street. i feel like everyone is always laughing at me. i feel like everyone hates me and for NO reason. i don't have any people to hang out with. no one ever wants to hang out with me because they have their own little lives. no one cares about me. i never know what to say to people. i tend to mainly watch people and not talk. when i do talk, no one cares or understands or i say the wrong thing. i can't relate to all the stupid things people talk about : tv, playing 'games' with boys, etc.... i like to talk about dreams and thoughts and random things. i don't know what's on tv, i don't like to play games with boys, people should just be straightforward, it would make the world a lot better. i hate how the underground people are no better than the mainstream people. they are equal in so many ways, both mean to their own kind. i hate that labels exist, i just hate this entire world. and i don't mean to be hateful [sorry dave, haha] it's just that you would be hateful too if you couldn't find any nice people at all and if it makes it even harder for you to meet new people because you are shy and they assume you are stuck up because you have blonde hair and like to dress up. i have completely lost my point. but that's okay because this life is pointless and everything we do is just pointless and a waste of time anyway..... just: STOP JUDGING PEOPLE BASED ON LOOKS! try to keep an open mind about every new person you find. don't assume they are self absorbed ...get to know the person very well and find out the truth...never assume anything. you can find friends in the strangest places....
just when everything was finally okay or getting back to normal, you had to mess everything up. you, yes you. you're probably not even ever going to read this, but i hate you, i hate you, i hate you. i hate the way you made me feel. i hate how you messed up what i had. i hate you, i hate you, i hate you!
made of stone heart's grown cold frozen tears misplaced fear ignoring everything above kill the ones you love love the ones you hate such a twisted fate frozen in this place longing for a taste of something new trying to get back to you
so i made another blogskin ...eep! it will be on blogskins on dec. 1st or after, but you can email me or aim me if you want the code a couple days early view: simple ice ...(oh and if you can't tell, i spent forever changing my fonts and colors slightly...see? you are looking at them right now.)
update: codes are up for my newest simple designs...go find them...they are on the main page of my hidden templates site [you get to it through the designs link]...
today we woke up to find two humming birds in our bedroom!!! they were madly tapping at the window, trying to get out. after 10 minutes of trying to get them out, chris finally just grabbed one with his shirt and let it out and the other one fell between two windows and got stuck, so chris moved the windows around and that one got free too. hummingbirds seem to always be around me, it's strange....
i spent almost all day re-coding the index [main] page. someone save me from html! help! lol ...yeah, but anyways, go and mouse-over all the red squares... see what you find! it was inspired by my etch-a-sketch blogskin.
happy thanksgiving. go eat your turkey and get fat and be thankful that you stole this country from the 'indians' forcing them to live in misery on small indian reservations. what a lovely holiday. stupid white people. yay.
yay! i updated my site! go to the picture page for 2 new picture sets and also look at all the new thumbnails! i made a lot. thumbnails are better than pictures. lol. also, i added 3 new links to the outsidelinks page, including a dj, a jade FINALLY!!! :), and a friend from school.
i have to write a 15 page play, finals are soon, etc, etc, so i might not be writing here as often for the next few weeks. i'm trying to stay off the internet as much as possible and especially AIM, which is the biggest waste of time ever ...since it takes 3 hours to say what could have been said in a 15 minute email or 5 minute phone call... i'm also going to be spending more time with chris and hopefully going dancing more. so if you want to go dancing, IM me, call me, or even email me ... [oh , and i'll respond to all 'normal' emails in about 3 weeks ....during christmas break.]
frustrated to death. i look so so so ugly. my skin is all scarred and just sucks, esp. since the stupid cat has clawed my face at least 3 times!! i look old and terrible and i'm getting fat again and i want to go outside and i want to have friends to just hang out with and play in the street with and i want to go dancing and i want the house to STAY clean for at least 5 seconds! and i want homework to go away and i HATE school and i don't want to go and i want my mom to shut up and stop yelling at me for no reason and i want computers to not exist and i want to move to LA and i want everyone i know to live in LA and i want to be in a band and i want to be comfortable with my voice and i want to i don't know what i want, i want to sleep i want peace i want to be happy i want to stop being hateful and i want to get out of the house before i murder someone! i want to not always get hurt all the time i dont want bruises and cuts on my legs i want new carpet in our apartment i want chris to pay me the $10,000 he owes me i want to have my own car so that i can have a life for once in my life i want to have fun i want to be free i feel like i'm in prison without a car im stuck in this house i want all new furniture because my mom and chris have ruined it. i want to not be hungry anymore i feel like yelling at everyone i hate everyone i'm mad at heather and chris and jade for living far away what's the point of friends if i cant even see them? talking on aim is making me mad. i hate AIM. i HATE the internet. such a waste of time energy life. whoever invented it should die. i am nothing. i am ruined. life is pointless. the end. sorry if you cant understand this. i just wrote everything i feel right now, well 10% of it.
somebody get me off this computer!!! ahhhh! i'm glued to it. lol why, why, why? oh...maybe because no one ever wants to be fun and go dancing in hollywood... i give up. i'll spend ALL of my 20's on the computer, and then my 30's and then the rest of my life. it's hopeless. real friends just don't exist. fun people don't exist. i give up. oh yeah and chris is practicing with his band right now. i will never have a band, will i? i don't even try that anymore either ... people are so flakey ...everything is just a waste of time... trying only gets me NOWHERE, so why try anymore? i give up. the only thing i can do in life is html. :(
someone left a comment on a really old post, so i'll just answer it here: "....Anyway, if you're going to bash artists, you might as well give a reason for why you hate them in the first place. I don't care if you hate Avril or Britney (I agree with you on Britney completely, but I like Avril), it's just that some people just say it and never say why... Is there a reason? "
without going to hunt down what post that was, i'm going to assume that she is only talking about avril. this will be fun *grin* [sorry if i get too mean lol]
1) avril is NOT an artist. she's just another well marketed doll on strings. 2) her music SUCKS. 3) she's a liar. i hate liars. she pretends to play guitar, yes it is pretending, any REAL guitarist can tell you. and then that whole skateboarding thing .... 4) she labels herself!! that is just pathetic!! and her labels aren't even correct!! PUNK?!!! she is not even close to punk in any way!! her ideals are not punk, her MUSIC IS DEFINITELY NOT even close to punk, even the way she dresses is not punk! she has some poser pop punk style going on. 5) she is the reason that i can no longer wear ties without wanting to throw up 6) she has completely changed the mental image i get in my head when i hear the word 'punk' ... i used to think of my "punker" friends, who wore jeans, white tee shirts, navy blue dickies type jackets, and huge mohawk .. picture: skin head boys. now all i think of when i hear the word punk is: black, red, hot topic, avril, and a tie. and none of those are really punk!! grrr! 7) she ADMITTED that she didn't even know who the sex pistols were!!!!! and that she didn't CARE or NEED to know!!! can you believe it??!!! she's going to be 'punk' and not even know that?!! oh, come on!!!! need i say more? 8) she's rude and mean to (some) people who have interviewed her. 9) she sings whorish shallow songs that have NOTHING to do with ANY punk ideals! like "won't somebody come take me home.... I don't know who you are...but I... I'm with you" ....lovely, so she'll go home with just anybody because she is that pathetic and desperate and such a loser ... 10) ok, everyone hates avril, there are probably more anti-avril sites than avril sites in this world...go to them... read about the girl and that's even more reasons that i don't like her. so in summary, she's a fake, ignorant, shallow, snobby, pathetic, poser-loser-liar with a HORRIBLE country voice and no *real* talent or creativity of her own... at least she's somewhat pretty WITH makeup on.... that's her one good quality, if that counts....because she looks like a man/hanson brother without it.see pix here...
....i'm sorry for being mean, but everything that this girl stands for just makes me furious! fake fake fake shallow fake. and with that, she is NOT and artist. artists: the cure the faint depeche mode modest mouse blonde redhead the clash new order nofx sex pistols guttermouth and so on!!! brittany/avril/those people are not artists! neither are those stupid pop punk bands.... anyone that is making music TO SELL and to FIT IN, is not an artist at all! grrrrrr
i added to new designs to blogskins! it's a miricle! lol ..yeah but i made them awhile ago, and they kinda suck, but hey, they are still new to you :)
i counted, and since i've been at blogskins, i've had over 77,530 downloads!! wow! how did that happen??? that's 20% of ALL the skins ever downloaded at blogskins! 1/5 of all downloaded skins is pretty good for only ONE blogskins member! there are 54,430 members!! lol
and my most downloaded skin is the last one i submitted before leaving, deep thoughts, and somehow it has had almost 10,000 downloads!! i didn't think that skin was that great.... ??? oh well. lol i guess people like black? i'm not sure. haha
oh my goodness! my mom was on the radio today and for some reason she gave out my website address! eep! lol i was trying to *stop* advertising, not start! haha the radio program (a real estate thing?) was like promoting my website design for a second lol ... they said that i should go look at their site and maybe fix it up or something .... chris tape recorded it ... maybe i'll stick it up here for fun in a bit...
blogskins.com now has an entire category named "Made by Maystar" hahaha ... it's so funny! they have flowers, stars, dark, light, abstract, and a few others and then i have my own category!! how fun. haha the only thing that sucked is that i had to put all my designs in there by hand, which took hours and hours and hours...there are 75 designs in that category. all made by me *grin* ...what an absolute waste of time! i can't believe i made that many designs this year! i almost am tempted to go back to designing though ... someone stop me! lol yeah and i was supposed to do some simple design for kapil for $750, but who knows what happened to that.... and after doing that chicago domino's site, i don't know if i want to ever design through kapil again (being underpaid haha). yeah, so if you want to pay $600 - $1200, i might make you a website. design site. that's cheaper than $10/hour in most cases! i halfway feel like designing again...i could maybe do one site before i get burned out again...
there's a bag in the cupboard that reminds me just of you another path i could have chosen perfect in everyway, peaceful but i loved you 'because' and not 'even though' something wasn't right somewhere in my head other obligations and i pushed you away
there's a bag in the cupboard that reminds me just of you and makes feelings come from nowhere and memories of you push them all down they resurface more and more oh, to speak to you again to whisper in your ear 'i'm sorry' could maybe cure it all.
so they say that 'who you really are comes out when you are drunk' and so if you are mean when you are drunk, you are secretly a mean person...that's who you really are. but i think that's not right. who you are and how you are when you are drunk is what you've been repressing ...all your repressed feelings come out when you are drunk. like i repress niceness and so when i'm drunk, i love everyone and want to give all my money to poor people in mexico. and some people hold in all their anger all the time, and hold in their feelings and try to be nice and so on, and so when they are drunk, they become really angry and sometimes violent..... that makes a lot more since than saying 'that's who you really are' ....that's just dumb.
oh and moral of the story: don't hold in your feelings.... especially you boys... all it does is cause problems.
this is my theory, i guess maybe hypothesis, since it is un-tested, lol, about how people get to be like political/punk: 1) they are depressed/ they think a lot 2) they realize that tons of people are shallow 3) then they realize that the goverment sucks too 4) and so on... 5) and then they slowly become political in that punk sort of way ....yeah so there. grrrr my vocabulary gets worse and worse...i don't have the words to say what i want to say, i just can't talk anymore....
i hate how i try and try to help people but they never get better. i'm sure others feel the same way about me too. it's just so frusterating. oh, the time i've put into trying to help people! talking to people, everything!!!! so much time!!! and it's a losing battle, i should give up and only care about myself. i feel so old and tired. it's too hard to help people. it's too hard to care. i hate caring, but i can't help it. i even care about people i don't know, even people i hate.....and i always listen to people when they talk and think about what they are saying and try to understand them ... some people don't do that, i don't know why....
trust, trust. i hate hanging out with people i can't trust... i hate having to watch what i say, and not being able to confide in them.... [yeah and also never ever ever talk bad about someone to someone else, because it will somehow get back to them.... seems like lots of girls always talk bad about each other to each other and then tell each other about it and so on... lol] and people can never keep secrets or keep their mouths shut. i've learned that the hard way over and over and over ... so many 'friends' have betrayed me... i think i trust too easily, but i'm trying hard not to. sometimes i forget to not trust people. but i used to say/write "trust no one" when i was like 15 .... it's funny how i have to learn the same thing over and over and it never sticks in my head. i always try to trust people up until they betray me ....
my mom is visting and she has gone through ALL my computer files/pictures and all my important papers, letters, and last time she was here she even was looking through my emails! grrrrr. lol can't i have any privacy??? thank god i have nothing to hide!!
so this is the coffee shop i've been going to for 2 years now, and despite what the thing says, it's only open till 1am ... and it's so sad, in the past two years, the 'crowd' has been dying and dying and sometimes it's almost empty nowadays. it used to have the best atmosphere, and now it just sucks. the coffee even sucked last time.... i guess i need to find a new place :(
today i got a letter in the mail - yes a REAL letter from the REAL mail! [... ever heard of it? haha]- from a 20 year old boy named dave from canada. it's so nice to get a real letter especially when it's from a real person. :) [thanks :) <3 i'll write you back as soon as i can find a stamp.] anyway, there's just something so different and so much better about getting a real letter as opposed to an email. unique handwriting and not just a font.... paper you can touch.... paper that the other person touched.... paper that was in another country, another state, another place.... ink from a pen... i just don't know how to explain, but real letters make the people seem real. typing sometimes just all seems the same. it's also a lot easier to remember who is who with letters ...everyone has their own style, their own handwriting, and once you've read and touched a letter, you will always remember who it is from, and what is says, and it's special in some way ... unlike emails which are just so impersonal and can sometimes blend into a blur of authorless writing... i guess it's hard to explain. but yeah, this is the third letter i've gotten from people off the web, maybe it's only the second because one of those letters was from my old friend mia ... but she did get my PO Box address off of this site.... but she should have just asked me for my real address instead.... lol ...oh well. so, thank you so much to dave and heather for your letters :) i will remember you guys forever and always keep your letters... xoxo [oh and you too mia, of course, stupid chipmunk ;) je t'aime]
the newest addition to my company HATE list: please welcome AT&T wireless. lol grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. so chris's cell phone was stolen a month ago, we finally replace the phone, call to get it activated, and then what does AT&T do?! they disconnect mine instead! so we have 2 non-working cell phones! so chris spends all day yesterday on the phone with them, trying to get it fixed, but people are so fucking incompetent at that company that they didn't even understand how to fix their own mistake. after over 8 hours, and talking to like 8 people, they finally got my phone number to work again, on chris's phone! then the idiots burned my sim card, so we had to go buy another one!! and so the phones are finally all fixed now, but my entire address/phone book thing is gone, because it was on the burned sim card. how annoying! AT&T is going to refund us for the sim card that THEY ruined, but i really think that they should pay us for our time they wasted!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! ---- oh! and UPS fucked up YET AGAIN! we were waiting for a package from chris's dad, that he had sent 2 day mail via UPS, because it had some parking tickets in it that were due soon, but no, UPS took over 6 days to get the package to us, because they are too dumb to figure out how to get someone to let them into our locked building ...but anyway, chris left the locked door WIDE OPEN just for the dumb UPS guy and was waiting and waiting for him to come... ...and guess what?!! the idiot UPS guy goes to the SIDE door and leaves a slip "door is locked" .... they ALWAYS go to the front door!!!!!!!!! why is it when we leave it open for them, they go to the side door? WTF??!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr so chris had to go chasing the UPS truck in his car. luckily he finally caught him and got the package. it contained tickets due NOV. 17 th .... yesterday! if it wasn't for being able to pay them online, they would have all doubled to $50 each!!! i hate UPS!!!! and AT&T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh and don't forget good old gateway!! grrrrrr die! die! die! lol
"you...are quite possibly the most pathetic person ive ever come across.... it must really suck to be you not to mention..has anyone ever told you that cutting the sleeves from you're JCPenny shirt doesnt qualify you as a punk?...guess not."
hahahhahahaha did this girl even read ANYTHING or THINK before she wrote that email?? LOL!! i'm so laughing my head off!!!!!!!! and why JCpenny? lol why not nordstrom or macy's ? aren't those a better opposite to punk? lol isn't JCpenny like as 'low class' and whatever as k-mart? [no offense people that shop there, i buy lipstick from kmart! just not clothes! if i found something i liked i would, but i hate everything there!! .... except the socks are cozy lol] lol i'm not quite sure why she would write *that* store ... lol makes no sense to me! all my cut up clothes are either from forever21 or thrift stores or vintage stores ... oh and just about any other cheap store i can find. lol
anyway, punk?!! lol ... who said i was trying to be punk, or calling myself punk????????? duh i'm not punk, idiot!! lol! you are so observant! aren't you? wow! good job!
anyways, whatever. lol. just pointing out yet another dumb person that exists in this world. lol so now that's a total of 343493201939102104939845347343 stupid people in the world (yes i'm aware that that many people dont' exist. lol) - oh and be proud of me, i returned 6 whole emails today! now, if i could only return the older ones ... lol
this website seemed to have some interesting ideas.... you know, for those of you that don't think. i only skimmed one page, unfortunately, i don't have the time to really read it all. here's an example of what you will find there: "All processes in capitalism are ever-evolving, efficient mechanisms to generate profit. Marketing, for instance, is manipulation of the human intellect in order to predictably (and thereby efficiently) generate and then satisfy demand. We've become response mechanisms ourselves, as predictable as a robot. It's no wonder they call television shows 'programs'. "
tangled up ------------------- her shouted screams i watch her breathe tangled up in the disease i understand her somehow but i'm doing nothing now it's been too late for awhile we've changed too much it's too late to re-touch eyes stained with blush so i'll just stand and stare she screams a prayer but it's just too hard to care.
when i was about 3 or 4 i used to ask tons and tons and tons of questions lol. one of them was: "how is it possible that the universe goes on for infinity?" ...it's just not logical. everything has to end, but when it does end, it had to be inside something else, and that has to be inside something else and so on.... and so while the universe maybe doesn't end and is just one big forever thing going outward and outward .... it just doesn't make sense ...Infinite doesn't make sense. it's like there's a marble in a fish bowl and the fish bowl is in a house which is in the universe and then what? that's like saying that a fish bowl goes on forever. so maybe the universe does end, we just can't see it...but if it does end, then WHAT is it inside of? and what is that inside of? and so on? it's just not logical.... whether is ends or not...it makes NO sense. and i hate that i can't figure it out and that no one can answer any of my questions. i should just stop thinking.
where did november go? it's already the 17th and it feels like it should be about the 4th or so. why is time going by so fast? and i meant to call my aunt and uncle on thursday and it's already monday. i swear, really, each day goes by in a few hours. where does my time go??????? it's horrible. there's never enough time for anything at all. .... oh and the classes i'm taking next quarter are so hard, i'm going to die!!!
so i'm trying to stay away from the computer more. and the 300 emails i owe you guys will have to wait until christmas brake or something. i hate email. i don't feel like responding anymore. it's just too hard. it takes waaaaay too much time!
yesterday i went out to coffee in downtown with an old friend and then we walked around and talked for awhile after that. i'm also supposed to go dancing in hollywood tonight with this guy from ck ...if i'm not too lazy to call him, that is. nope, no dancing :(
mom finds out about blog read that. and he's 30! LOL ...how many of us has that happened to? lol and poor jade ... she's always swimming around the internet trying to get away from her parents intruding eyes.... and it's not like she even writes anything bad! she just wants privacy! oh yeah and my "family" found my website a few days ago. lovely. hi aunt cheryl!
so yeah. hmmm... it's really hard to write even the simplest things with the wrong people reading......
i finally got to go dancing last night. club synthetic moved location yet again. it's now at blue. i guess that's really nice though, it stays really underground by moving around so much. the last thing i want to see is another scene invaded and murdered by mainstream people. they've already massacred raves and punk shows. stay away from my electro club[s]!! but sadly, electro is gaining popularity in the LA club scene, so it's safe to say that it too will eventually be murdered....how sad.
it's so sad, as of december 2, MP3.com will be gone forever. they are selling their company to someone else, and deleting all of the songs and artists, and everything. in-case you didn't know, mp3.com has hosted tons of independent artists over the past few years including my step brother and i. i guess we will have to find some other exciting place to put our music. it really sucks, a lot of bands will also be searching for somewhere else .... i mean it might not be that hard, but there will no longer be one common place where you can find everyone's music ... farewell mp3.com
by the time i finally get a car, if ever, i will probably never use it. i will just stay in the house like i have been trained to do by not having one ....and not having a car causes me to not be able to have friends ...
"hey want to go dancing? .... but i'm pathetic, so can you take me?...will you drive? you have to drive..." ...what am i supposed to do/say??? i need to have a car to even hang out with anyone ... see?
i have to register for next quarter's classes on 11/17/03 at 09:00am, DON'T let me forget!!! lol
"Discontinuing Printing of Schedule of Classes Booklet The Schedule of Classes will be exclusively available on line on Friday, October 31." that scares me. no more paper? ever? the internet is taking over!! noooooooo!
chris and i and chris's boss are doing down mexico tonight, so if you don't hear from me in a few days, please come save us from mexican jail! lol i don't trust those cops!!!
...i'm back. and still alive. lol ...it was no fun. we didn't get to dance at all. :(
yay! weeeeeeeeeeee! i got a 35 out of 40 on my physics midterm! i could've done better but it's so hard to study when i have to study so much stuff that's on the computer! we had to read like over 200 pages of notes on the computer, and online quizes, and tutorials and blah blah blah ... it's so annoying! i just want to be able to go outside in the sun and study! i hate computers!
eyes, they're peering in. eyes, they can't understand. eyes, they're judging quickly. eyes, they misunderstand. eyes, eyes, eyes, are all you have. eyes, eyes, eyes, they make you blind.
awwww .... a very good friend of mine wrote this for me: ---------------------------------------------------------------- I want to be your crutch when your falling down hold you up never let you fall down fight for you but so far away sometimes I think I can do nothing for you
But were friends and a little love goes a long way Sleep good at night knowing your allright Wish nothing but the best no matter what
Trust is very hard to get and I'm thankfull for that it makes me want to give and give back
I'm not afraid to say that I'll keep living for you You make me smile and make me think just maybe everything will turn out allright
A little ray of sunlight in a dark world glad to know theres a person like you :-)
i'm broken. everything is broken, deep down. hide it from myself...push it all down...make myself unaware....subconsciously killing myself....try to live a normal life, try to be a normal person ..when my heart has been ripped out, my family has been taken, and i have never healed....
not a good way to live, but i don't know how to go back to the past...it's impossible to heal when there is no one to heal with, when everthing is gone, when everything has changed ...
...and oh no, i'm thinking again, better make myself stop thinking like always...so that i don't die....
where is home? i want to go home.... where are my ruby red slippers?
jason is the devil! sending me a friendster invitation along with all his other friends, trying to corrupt me and tempt me to betray my own anti-friendsterness! lol (ummm, part of me kinda wants to give in ... lol) but for now im staying strong. no friendster for me! lol i once made a completely fake friendster account, just to see if i could find any of my old old friends ... none of them were on there! lol we must think alike ... all anti-friendster lol ... that sounds about like them. lol ... the only people i found were the most shallow selfish people that i've ever known!... like Brittany and Jena ... yes you Jena! and guess what?! you are so selfish that you will never even read this!! [jena is my old friend, [who was legally named ' tran '] from 8th/9th grade or so ...i ran into her at the SAT's and we were supposed to hang out, but she stood me up or something, and then another time we were supposed to meet in mexico for her birthday, and she was looking for a blonde girl the whole time! even though i had sent her pictures of my RED hair, and if she had been to my website, she also would have known the color of my hair! grrrrrr] yeah, so another reason not to join friendster .... too many shallow people there ... "LiKe oH mY gOd!! iT's LikE fRiEnDsTeR!! iT's sO cOoL ! " riiiiiiiiight.
oh, but on another note, i feel sorry for people like jena, she tries so hard to look like and be the cool party girl ....it's sad how people try to look cool and worry so much about their image... i think images prevent people from having *real* fun....
obscure obsession cures depression while everything else falls apart braking your heart wasting away not wanting to stay fickle emotions time goes the opposite of slow motion
since i've lived in these apartments, two glasses have fallen out the window, which is two stories high, and neither glass has broken ... very strange ...one was even made of crystal.
it's horrible to know that the only person who can really make me happy is someone that can be so mean and someone that is so dumb and irresponsible at times. it just sucks. i even found the perfect guy once.... but i wasn't happy. because he wasn't chris. and so i let him go, i gave up perfection for happiness.... why didn't my own version of perfect make me happy????
oh and i'm so mad... i found a SHAG purse [knockoff] about a month ago, and i *almost* bought it, i spent about an hour debating ...and now i think that i will never be able to find one again! if anyone sees one at a swapmeet or mall, let me know!!!!! ....and no, NOT like shag carpet! lol
i have absolutely nothing to say. i got all dressed up last night and didn't get to go to the club... ------------ someone told me the other day that i should change my counter to unique visitors only...but it already is set at that! = 133,914 if i set it the other way it would be 521,378 visitors/views says my site meter. ------------ someone please remind me that i need to call my aunt back ...i've been meaning too, but i always get distracted, she's going to yell at me! i'm still neglecting my emails ... reading but not responding [except i responded to "jennbabe..."] i need to balance my checkbook ----------- after a year of having my digital cam and thinking that it might also be a webcam, i finally decided to find out...and it is a webcam ... yay ... so now i can take poor quality 16kb pictures and see myself while taking them. i'm too much of a controling perfectionist to put my webcam online ... besides who looks at live webcams other than boys wanting to see naked pictures or something?? lol
MAY IMPOSTERS! watch out for fake comments from IP 165.21.154.11 and 165.21.154.10 or anything like that!!!
so once again, some little pathetic bitch is commenting on my own site and also my friend chris b.'s website pretending to me!!!
this little bitch is also not too bright ... she once left a REAL comment on my site, that matchs the IP PERFECTLEY ...with all her info!!! Poster: kOni~ IP address: 165.21.154.11 Email: dreamybubbles86@yahoo.com Homepage: http:///so-magical.wizardrie.com hey there! I ADORE YOUR SITE! totally gorgerous!! will be back to visit ya!!<3
and another REAL comment from that IP was: Poster: lalalala IP address: 165.21.154.11 Email: none Homepage: none hey.. i tink y u r v funni n cool... haha.. ask those irritatin losers ta get loss.. i mean lyk wats deir problem.... n i tink u argued back v well... hahaha... cool... wat r u lyk gonna design den... -- fake comments were found coming from both 165.21.154.11 and 165.21.154.10
the fake comments were all in attempt of flirting with or something with chris b. :
may @ 02.05.pm | November 07, 2003 i love u IP: 165.21.154.10 ----- and may @ 02.04.pm | November 07, 2003 no u dont hav to buy it for me u'r the greatest gift IP: 165.21.154.10 and the comment on chris's blog was something about wanting to go to dc with him or something. IP: 165.21.154.11
and yeah, i talk like that, you know, i say "u'r" and "hav" ...SURE I DO ....yeahhh... --- please don't tell me this is yet ANOTHER person from singapore ... are you guys TRYING TO MAKE ME RACIST?? OR WHAT? i have encountered so so so so so many mean people from singapore ...i swear they are trying to make their whole country look bad....
i keep trying to start a second blog, a 'secret one', where i can write even more of my thoughts ... you know, thoughts that i don't want the people that i know to know.... lol.... like the thoughts that should really only stay in your head.... but every time i try, it just doesn't work and i lose interest. lol ...
i had a weird random dream last night there was this this 27-30 year old guy and he was a photographer and also worked at a club and somehow i was at his house and he got me into to bed and i was like "no no no stop" and he finally did stop and he was like 'did i force you' and i was like 'no' for some reason .... and somehow i kind of liked him ...attracted to him ...because he was older or something ...there was just something about him... and so then i kept going back over to his house like everyday, all the time... sleeping with him/having some semi-adult type relationship with him... and i was outside his club talking to him and i tried to make him get me into his club, cuz i was still only 20. i also remember having to cross this wood thing at a bay with him and he went first and when i stepped on it i was too cautious and so i fell in the water and it was like deep ocean water and i was really scared for some reason and i was like "come back come back" and he finally jumped in the water and got me/saved me ...showing a hidden sweetness in his closed off personality... that's all i remember about that part ... then i was laying on my bed at my house naked with chris ... but just talking or something and looking out the window ... there was a building taller than mine and there was a girl palying tennis on top of the building with tan skin glistening in the sun and her muscles were defined and she looked at us and then she jumped to another bulding where there was a pool then all of a sudden i was there too and i was walking down steps to the ground all the steps had writing on them like advertising all the good things about that apartment complex/building ....at the bottom of the stairs was a mexican style looking apartment that was brown and yellowish and i guess i t used to be mine or something and i had left someone in charge of it and she was now dead and she had redecorated the door and the door was like links on a website with images and rollovers ... and so then i went with some old friends to the movies and they all sat together but me and another girl sat somewhere else because there was no room for us and then i went with one of the girls in a car with her boy - friend and we were going to school and it was the first day of school and i had no shoes on i was freaking out saying i needed to go back and get shoes but then she said "there's no school today" and so then there wasn't school anymore and i looked in the car and i had some platforms afterall and then we went inside somewhere and somehow i got a small black dog .... and that's all i remember.
227 emails that i need to respond too i've been letting them halfway build up for 3 weeks... it seems like for every 2 i do respond to, there are like ast least 15 i don't ...it's just soooooooooooooooo overwhelming! it's like i want to write at least a paragraph to each person [i have READ them all already ...lol] ...and some really wonderful people emailed me ... but 227 times the amount of time it takes me to write something with thought in it = at least 227 hours .... help???
i really like the meaning of this song: how beautiful you are [lyrics] by the cure it reminds me of people. the way you think they are one way, so perfect, but they end up to be ugly inside... and you realize you never really knew them at all... --- "And showed me understanding is a dream"
"And this is why I hate you And how I understand That no-one ever knows or loves another"
as we grow older, we become more complex and complicated because we learn how to hide our feelings, hide everything, talk in code, all so that we don't get hurt... people in their 20's and 30's + seem to play games ...say one thing to mean another, and on and on .... and it's all because they've been hurt in life.
and that's the difference between a child and an adult.
saw into the mind of a girl today...it's nice to see that some people think the same kinds of thoughts as me. ... i'm not talking about any kind of deep thoughts here, though, lol (no offence darling, haha), i just mean girl thoughts ... woman thoughts ... it's nice to know that we think somewhat alike ... i've never known that i think that same as girls, they are always hard for me to undestand.... i guess maybe it's because girls are so good at hiding what they really think ...
i'm such a strange mix of a person, i have the most bizarre mix of confidence and shyness ...for example, i'm not afraid to wear obscure outfits - like hot pink plastic coated go-go boots lol ....and i'm not afraid to kiss boys and things like that, yet i'm afraid of looking stupid, even in front of myself .... like i can just barely sing in front of myself... and there are just things that i could never do, words that i could never say, but not the usual ones ... it's strange to be scared of doing something in front of yourself ... or scared of looking stupid in front of yourself .... i've been this way since i was little ... since at least age 3 ... and i was always afraid of looking stupid ... i didn't even ever realize i was just a child .... never knew that i could get away with anything ... and i was so extremely shy ... i used to hide behind my mom when meeting people ... possibly up until age 11 ! lol and i used to be insecure of my arms ... never knew what to do with them ... i'm not so shy any more ... but i am sometimes ... it really depends ... there are certain people that make me feel extremely insecure and inferior... but i now realize it's only because they are insecure and they put people down and purposely elevate themselves to try to feel better about themselves ... i don't even think they understand they are hurting others in the process ...
it's eating me alive fills my thoughts all the time and my heart is fluttering fast and there is no list it's just a number, a count of the times i've killed myself.
shall i close the door and walk away sometimes it's silent we don't know what to say there's a point in that silence when i wonder what would happen if i never said another word again paralyzed; i'm trying to speak winter never ever seemed this cold and bleak
can we meet again in another lifetime can we start again i won't know you you don't know me and we could talk a new way start again, start again i think i'm going insane it's too heavy to walk that way
and i'm talking and i'm talking and i don't know what i want i want everything i want love something new i just wanted you maybe i'm just stupid i don't know what i'm doing people in love never do
[sep 21 - unfinished] stay a little while longer stay---- - oh stay in this imaginary world that we've created - oh i'm too scared of what's on the outside - don't want to leave.... - don't leave me here alone - i've become confomtorable in knowing that this fake world will go on no matter how many things brake on the outside - ----------------------------- made of glass
made of glass you were the real people - made of glass you came here to get away - you came here to hide - made of glass - you came here searching for something better made of glass - you came here - and it was cold you were all alone you were all alone - made of glass - you came here - and sometimes you can keep from feeling like that - made of glass
[sep 22 - unfinished] do you want to come into my box of tears? do you want to believe in my nighmares? - and you would die if you could see what i see. you would die if you were me.
------------------------------- emotions run wild you're turning weak or maybe it's me i'm falling hard
nothing is ever for sure hopes up in the sky and i just might die if those dreams don't come true
i know myself well enough to know that i don't really know myself i know that i can be unpredictable ... do things that even i didn't know were coming.
oh wow. the most intelligent thing i've ever heard! "UR HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT" wow. yep. that sure is intelligent, isn't it? the sad thing is that this is someone i knew in real life ... for a few weeks. lol ... what's even sadder is that he is so selfish and shallow that he won't ever read this. lol. he doesn't care one bit about other people or their feelings! me?... bitter? no, not all! lol
okay, so i'm getting like 7,000+ visitors a week now = 1,000 a day ... so why is it that only like 5 people are on my site at a time?? i mean, i guess that's better than the site i got the counter thing from ... [they only had 2 people online at most] ...but why only 5 at a time? you guys need to stay longer! lol .... someone wanted me to put up a section on how to take good pictures .... but i can't, because i don't know!!! lol p.s. once again, i want to say: NETSCAPE SUCKS!!! lol ....
so this morning chris and i went to the DMV to get our car registered ... only about 2 months late .... lol ...and we ... no, i mean i had to pay $935 !!!!! grrrrr because stupid chris had like 10 unpaid parking tickets that had all started out at about $40 and had gone up to $80 and $100 for not paying them!! grrrrrrr!! he could have borrowed money from me back then, not waited until the tickets all doubled! grrrr! yeah, so that was the last of my fin. aid money ... now i'm poor again. yay.
how to be a good boyfriend/boy/[person] [girls already know this stuff!]: 1) pay everything RIGHT away! if you don't have a job or money, find one/some! borrow it! just get it paid!! pay your tickets! grrrrr!!!! 2) always always always always balance your checkboook!!!!!! write down all checks, atm things, EVERYTHING!!! 3) do not spend more money than you have. ever. [don't get $20 back charges for overspending!!!!!] 4) pay off credit card bills IN FULL. every month. 5) get your car registered on time!!!! 6) go to work on time, or early. NEVER EVER BE LATE TO ANYTHING AT ALL, EVER!! 7) go to work everyday you have work, i don't care if you are sick or dead. just go. i've gone to school with 103 fever .... so you guys can go to work!! if you are really dying, let your work send you home .... you have to look responsible!!! 8) don't say things and not do them!!! if you say you are going to do something, DO IT. if you don't you are a LIAR. 9) buy christmas presents weeks in advance, not the day before christmas!! 10) learn to dance. if you are afraid, get over it. if you hate dancing, make sure to only date girls that hate dancing. 11) talk about how you feel. if you don't like something, say it. if you are afraid, say it. if you are stressed out, say it!! 12) don't ignore problems or put things off!!! they will NOT go away, they will just get worse!! do everything ASAP!!!
okay....i could write a book....maybe i will someday ....basically ... just THINK, and use common sense ... it's really not that hard!!!!
hey you guys! i'm typing to you from school...OH MY GOODNESS IT IS SO SO SO NICE TO BE ON T1 again!!!!!! it's like seriously 43834298342834 times faster than dial up! it's absolutely amazing ... lol ... and i took it for granted for the two years i had it ...and now i am forever stuck with dial up :( ....
anyway i don't know why i write about such meaningless things, but i just finished my midterm and it was really easy .... the only problem was that i didn't study enough .... i tried and tried, but i just couldn't focus ... so i probably got a C or so on the test ... i could have easily gotten an A if i had studied more ... grrr ... oh welll
and in a way, pure/true love can't really exist, because everyone has a selfish side and that selfishness will prevent you from ever truely loving another person. instead of doing what is best for the other person, we often let selfishness take over and we do what we want ... and sometimes that is hurtful to the other person ... and that is not love ... but trying hard to avoid doing that is love .... so it's selfishness vs. love ...and since selfishness is natural, does that make love unnatural or forced? the two things are so opposite that it's strange to think that they can really co-exist naturally...
and those are the kinds of thoughts i have when i haven't slept all night ...lol .... and now back to trying to study for my physics midterm...
when this life is over will we still be okay will we remember the way we felt yesterday? when all is said and and all is done will i find myself begining to run? could it really turn out the way i dreamed will anything ever be as it seems? when this life is over will we still be okay will we remember the way we felt yesterday?
is it really 'we' ? sometimes it feels like it's just 'me' the more i refuse to play the more power i lose in this game you've got the control now i've lowered myself somehow im fighting for the place i had yesterday all the while giving it all away being too honest, saying too much never shut up, i just want to touch....
somedays it seems as if you'll never come somedays i'm alll alone somedays fly by too fast and somedays just don't exist at all.
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online delusion
living in a new kind of dream not the three dimensional kind learning to accept the rules trying to make myself believe this dream is not so different from the usual kind just because i can't touch doesn't make it less real than others when in reality everything we do is just pointless anyway how can this be any worse? a new way to waste time a new way to kiss the world the next level of numbness just another way to avoid reality
there's a cure song, called 'why can't i be you?' and in the song, the guy likes the girl so much that he wants to be her...
in the song 'swim' it says "I wanna be just like you" ....
why is it that guys always want to be [or be like] the girls that they are madly in love with? this makes no sense to me. someone please explain...please?? and girls never seem to feel this way about guys ....
i was listening to my old tapes from 8th grade today. songs to download:
swim - by bush [beautiful guitar!!!] dear god - possibly by XTC ??? it's an old old song whoever it's by... [ignore the fact that it's a bit atheist] more than i can - by jane jensen [this has never been on the radio, as far as i know...] personal jesus - by depeche mode [this is one of the best songs ever...] stray cat strut - by the stay cats [a cute little song] the metro - by berlin [another really really good song] ghost town - by the specials [another one....] wicked game - by chris issak [you've most likely danced to this song at a school dance lol]
....i had some other ones for you guys to download, but i can't remember now ...oh well lol
