so no new years for me - stupid sickness! but yeah happy new year's people! go have fun! or at least watch other people have fun on tv - i don't even have a tv...
sadly, i am not going to die, but supposedly i have bronchitis, wait, no, this is america and our doctors are incompetent (not to mention ignorant), they "THINK" i have bronchitis, they don't seem to know ....they also said gave me a "flu test" and i supposedly never had the flu, they said i must have had "just a cold or something" ...how professional! they really know what the hell they are doing, don't they? god. who lets these people be doctors and nurses????? and can you have a 103 degree fever for 5 days and honesty call it only a cold?? with the flu going around? i think they are insane.
k, so now i'm coughing up blood! which means i might have pneumonia, which means i might die! this is so fun! grrrr! ....i don't really care if i die anyway though, i'm only here for other people anyways. this world is quite pointless and dumb and it's not going to do me any good to live here another 60+ years anyway, so why not die now? i don't care. it'd actually be better to die now ....
just a note to let you know that i'm not dead, yet. i've been in bed for the past 5 days with the flu - so sick that i couldn't even get to the computer or type! (i tried once) ...my fever has lasted 5 days so far too - it was 102.9 degrees today and 103 degrees the other day - i don't think this will ever end! it just goes on - day after day after day after day after day - it's like torture! when is it going to be over?!! if it doesn't end soon, i'm going to shoot myself!! i really can't take it anymore!!! [i am feeling 2% better now though, BUT that's only because of the advil i took]
to make matters worse, chris is getting the flu too now, so that means he's going to have to go to work with a 103 degree fever or miss work all week and make us $400 short for our rent...don't you just LOVE life?! what wonderful choices!
well, i'll write more when i'm well, i'm getting dizzy now....
k, so i think i just made myself officially sick [more sick .... 100% sick]... talking to friends all night when i should have gone to sleep at midnight!!! i'm so stupid! i always push myself and ruin my health just to talk to or spend time with friends....i shouldn't have even seen marcy today...!! stupid me! i shoulda stayed in bed!! i'm typing with mittens [gloves] on!! and 2 outdoor coats and a beenie and pj pants!! (i usually wear almost nothing) and i'm STILL FROZEN! ...but yeah, and i also swear that the tangerines are at fault for the initial feeling a little sick! lots of vitimin C seems to cause sickness! it's happened to me like 3 times now...like the only times i get sick, i drink lots of orange juice, FIRST! yeah so stupid me! and stupid tangerines! no, i don't blame the friends : )
so this is my first christmas without a christmas tree...it's really quite depressing...it doesn't feel like christmas at all...and i mean maybe we could gather up enough money to buy a christmas tree, (like $30+ eep but i really don't want to push it...chris and i have a $120 cell phone bill that isn't even paid, and we are only going to make rent if we don't buy food or gas for the next week and a half.... this is not fun living like this ... i swear i was richer as a poor foster child!! lol
so christmas break is getting a little better...i'm finally getting away from the computer and hanging out with people more...but i still feel depressed and tired ... yesterday i went to bed at about 5 or 6am after phil left to go back to japan and i didn't wake up until 5 or 6pm today...and yet i still feel tired and weak... we could blame that on getting sick, but i think i'm also still depressed : (
and i shouldn't get too used to hanging out with people, because school next quarter is going to be SO hard...i'm not even going to have time to breathe!! but actually, i don't care about my grades too much, as long as i get B-'s or above, so maybe i will still have *some* time for friends...hopefully...ick, i hate school...it's too much work and takes up too much time!! it really is just too hard....i don't know if i have enough strength to make it through another quarter....
i just got back from a date with my friend marcy. she took me to extraordinary desserts ...her idea, not mine, which is really strange because yesterday i was telling Jason that i wanted to go there... she must have read my mind!!! anyways she bought me a chai tea latte and chocolate cake (they were out of chocolate moose!! grr!) and gave me a cure cd and victoria's secret love spell sented lotion for christmas! thank you marcy!! and i gave her her present which is completely an inside joke type thing (so you guys don't get to know! haha) ...and i still have one more thing that i'm making for her ... i love my marcy!! : ) yeah, but anyways we had a lot of fun ... i was feeling kinda sick though which kinda sucked... i think i might be getting the flu...i'm not sure...
yesterday chris and i saw our friend phil from japan ...it was the first time seeing him in two years, he argues that it was more or less than 2 years ago, but i'm convinced that i was on christmas break the last time i saw him...so that would mean it was december of 2001 and not any other time!!! anyway, chris has known him since they were both about 2 years old and i have known him for about 4 years maybe ... he's in the navy now so that's why he's in japan ... i've always been against people going into the navy/military just to get college money (hello!?!! that is not the only way! i get money from the government for school and i didn't have to join the navy!!!) but i really think that the navy has really matured him and has made him go from little punk kid to someone real ...well you know what i mean...he's a lot more mature now, and understanding and all sorts of things...but he still likes punk ..hehe...but so yeah last night we went downtown and picked up that random vintage store chick, coco [i posted about her when i met her] and the four of us drifted around downtown talking and laughing ... coco took us to a random (really nice) hotel and we hung out in the lobby and sat on the nice couches and chairs and talked and talked and talked ...even overlapping each other like french people do...it was so fun! the four of us together would make perfect friends ... we all make each other laugh ...especially coco... she is so naive and innocent and wildly funny... we would make perfect friends, but phil lives in japan and coco doesn't like to do anything much - i think it's her mom's fault - coco is scared to iceskate, to go dancing, etc, and she's 24! oh well... after awhile coco had to go home and so we took phil to our house and we talked some more and showed phil all the new music we has found over the two years he had been gone and of course, he wasn't in love with it, because it wasn't punk... but oh well : ) i still love punk too, so it's understandable...i want to go with chris and visit phil in Japan ... that would be so fun ... i really need to get money!
so tangerines are my new staple food ... chris brought home tons of them ....the lady who owns the house he's remodeling has a tree and she said they could pick as many as they wanted... and since there's no other food in the house it's tangerines for christmas dinner! haha
*screams* AHH!! I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE DANCING!!!!! yay! i FINALLY got to go dancing last night!!!!! the first time since november 14th (club synthetic) .... so that's over a month, and as i gleefully told jason; "now i don't want to DIE!" lol
it was also the first time i had been dancing with brittany in two years! i had forgotten how fun she was! together we encountered a scary stalker guy, random napkins attacking us, feeling stared at, being crowed off the box we tried to dance on, a random drunnnnnk guy trying to dance with us, scary guys trying to talk to us, parking tickets, and so on...everything with brittany is always a memory...an inside joke...it's wonderful ... i need more friends like her...she makes me happy...she's so positive and open minded (well mostly) ... like she danced wildly to the 80's music, even though i'm sure she would have much rather been dancing to techno and hip-hop...and she's so confident, without being stuck up at all, i love people like that...
anyways they played tons of good music: 'boys and girls' and '#2 song' by blur, 'sex dwarf' by soft cell, 'deceptacon' by le tigre, 'satisfaction' by benny benassi, depechemode, new order, the faint, hot hot heat, the white stripes, the strokes, the cure, the clash, the smiths, joy division, blondie, 'these boots are made for walking' by the indigo girls, 'paint it black' by the rolling stones, a mix of 'emerge' by fischerspooner, a kylie minoque mixed song, some other good stuff i can't remember or name, and i could have sworn that they played ave d. ...but brittany thought it was maybe kylie's sister... i have no clue though ... it wasn't an electroclash club (according to tonight's flyer only lol)...just 80's/indie/random, so i don't know if they would even play ave. d ... who knows ... i need to download more music! i just can't really because i have dial up ...grrr... if you make me electro/good cd's i'll love you forever!
oh yeah and i finally met matthew (who works for synthetic and bang) ...we have been emailing each other for some time now...and all i wanted to do was meet him to say "hi" and somehow that took 4 times of going to those clubs to do (i'm blind?)!!! ..anyways he almost put us on the guestlist for tonight, but it was full... and he took pictures of us, but they didn't look to good (blame my lack of black eyeliner!) ...they might end up here.
and yet another thing, this club has a mix of my favorite music from *ever* all in once place (which never happens because the songs are in different genres) ... like the cure, electroclash stuff, random 80's songs, the faint, madness, etc,etc, ...and then just random songs that i like...
yeah, but cure for depression = dancing way to get depressed = don't go dancing. haha
i dont know why i love dancing so much...it seems ridiculous when you think about it...people just moving around to music...but something about it is magic and it seems to be one of the only things that can make me happy...the combination of great music, and people dressed all prettyful, and just everything i guess.... people make me happy too sometimes (*gasp* i know, maybe i'll regret saying that later, i usually hate people, lol)
so brittany and i are going dancing at BANG! in hollywood tonight...i really don't feel like dancing though...i don't feel so well...i definately do not feel like getting dressed and putting on makeup or anything...i'm sick of life....
so i left a message for roland today, to see if he wanted to maybe wander around hillcrest with me, and he called me back and said that he was busy today but that he did want to see me and that he would call me, and that i should call him too...
then he calls back two seconds later and he's like "i miss you...i haven't seen you since my show" etc, and i'm like "you can't miss me! we only hung out once!!...and that was like a year and a half ago! it's impossible to miss me! "
LOL!! anyways i just thought that was soooooo funny! that's almost like a complete stranger telling you that they miss you! ....and what's even funnier is that he called me back just to tell me that! hahaha ...i really don't think we spent enough time together for him to miss me! lol i met him before his show and we were all hanging out at the top of muir (11th floor) for a few hours and then later we went to a bonfire that night... but i don't even remember talking to him specifically all that much! my friend spent more time talking to the guys then i did...i mainly kept going down to watch bands play [and also to mosh]...lol
so "yay." my site works again, but it doesn't work without putting "www" first ... which basically means it doesn't work, since most people (including google!) link to http://maystardesigns.com and not http://www.maystardesigns.com
where did my site go, you ask? my webhost says: "well...I used to host the server on a DSL line in my parents garage....which was fine....but now it's in a professional grade data center with power generators, more bandwidth etc." so that is where it went, it was being moved....and supposedly it's a good thing that it's been moved....
oh and by the way: look! i woke up at a normal time! it's a miricle! [it's cuz i fell asleep last night while waiting for marcy to call...sorry i didn't answer my phone marcy!! - i did wrap your present though! as tired as i was!! oh well, now i have an excuse to come kidnap you!! you really need to get a car! oh wait,so do i! lol]
on the edge wanting nothing tired of this game in circles in circles we all fall down run in circles like little mice pointlessness so easy just to jump numb and tired so easy just to jump broken and dead already so easy just to jump broken and dead already so easy just to jump numb and tired so easy just to jump pointlessness like little mice run in circles we all fall down in circles in circles tired of this game wanting nothing on the edge
pathetic-ness so here i am laying in my bed (well i had to get out of bed to write this, but you get the idea) with my hair all recently bleached (hours ago) with pink highlights and all done up...so that for once i'll be ready to go somewhere if someone actually wants to do something (i've been turning a lot of people down lately - which is not like me - i like to always say yes to everything - life is more fun that way) anyways so i here i am, haven't slept in over 28 hours and i'm vaguely still wanting to go dancing, okay so i'm dying to go dancing but i'm also sooo tired...and i've got my phone by my head - and i've got 2 people that "said" they wanted to go dancing with me tonight, but i just know everything will fall through like it always does .... but then zenida called and marcy called ... so if worse comes to worse (not that i don't love them to bits! - but i have been dancing for over a month!) zenida might want to hang out later and marcy might bring by my christmas present - if i'm not sleeping ...which means i have to wrap hers and i'm just so behind in life...[thank you guys for being good friends! i love you!]
there was one point where i would have gone to LA by myself to go dancing .... and hoped to see a familiar face - but the club moved locations and i don't feel so comfortable there anymore ... no familiar face :(
so yeah, here i am, pathetic, completely dependent on others for my happiness and there is nothing i can do about it... my love for dancing is almost starting to fade...all i ever do is ask and ask and ask people to go dancing and i just don't even bother asking anymore...it would be easier to win the lottery than to get someone to go dancing (other than chris - who never even seems to have much fun dancing anymore, the few times i can actually drag him out!) i'm tired of asking people, i'm tired of people being lame ... my "friend" kian, [the same one that wouldn't even take me to buy food when we both lived on campus because he didn't want to lose his parking spot], said that he would go to TJ with me over 2 years ago! we still haven't gone! what is wrong with people!?!!?
okay, one downand 1 to go...i know i won't get to go dancing tonight... "alphaphi4me: ok guess what alphaphi4me: i totally forgot alphaphi4me: its my friends bday today! alphaphi4me: hahaha alphaphi4me: im such a retard pretendtobreathe: haha alphaphi4me: i swear pretendtobreathe: no problem lol alphaphi4me: ok for sure for sure we are doing something tomm"
so maybe tomorrow then? i doubt it. i feel so depressed. maybe i just need to stay out of the house and who cares if i'm not dancing....blah
today when i was supposed to be sleeping, i skateboarded to go buy hair bleach and the place was like "be back in 5 minutes" so i wandered into "mint" the cute little shoe store that has the coolest design ever and i asked the first guy i saw "who designed this store anyway?" and he was like "i did" and it turns out he was the owner and blah blah blah ... and we talked for a bit ... it's always nice to make random friends... later going home from the hair bleach store i ran into him again near 7-11 ...which is kinda far from the place ... odd coincidence... yeah but it was nice to go outside....i never go anywhere alone anymore ... feels like being 14 again just a bit...and i also went to buffalo exchange (vintage place) and looked for a christmas present for chris ...but no luck...don't really have the money anyway, so that's maybe good...
i can't read inbetween the lines! i just can't!! it doesn't work...i can try ... but then it's more like i'm making things up...! people should be required to say exactly what they feel/think!! if you known me long enough then you know that i'm constantly asking people what they are thinking (usually when they are quiet) ...
and i, on the other hand, always say too much, i tell people what i feel, and what i think and it's always the end of me...i show emotion and then people run away... well not always ... but even if it happens just a few times, it's too many for being honest...and i'm slowly learning to shut up...it's sad...but i think it's part of being an 'adult' (actually i've been learning for years ... but mostly rejecting everything and just trying to be myself anyway...but it gets hard)
you can either link to lots of cool things, and make yourself look "cool" or you can keep all the cool links to yourself and keep everyone else from being cool. LOL
but seriously, poems are supposed to be your thoughts, etc, etc, and if you try to make them rhyme, then you are limiting your thoughts, limiting what you can say, because you are trying to put your thoughts in a box, a pattern, and it doesn't always work... or it alters what you originally wanted to say...
there is nothing i hate more than people who say they are going to do something and then don't. it seems as if these kinds of people constantly invade my life, making me promises and telling me things and then letting me down. i don't care how simple something seems, if you told someone you were going to do it, then do it.
on the internet alone, i have been offered webdesign jobs, i have had people asking me to be a tee-shirt model, a band model, in a music video, and so on. these are people that come to me. it's not me begging them for something...they come to me, excited and whatever. but then as soon as i show any interest, they just disappear.
they disappear without fail.
is it like a game? am i supposed to only be vaguely interested to keep them interested? well i refuse to play if so! games are stupid. games suck and i refuse to play!
in addition to those things, people tell me that they are going to write me letters and then don't. people tell me that they want to hang out and then don't. people tell me that they are going to be at my house at a certain time and they aren't. (which has happened to me SO MANY TIMES that i am now also late to things and never ready on time, because i'm used to having countless hours to get ready while people are late...) and so on...you get the idea.
all this causes me not to be able to rely on anyone, trust anyone or get my hopes up...or if i do get my hopes up, they get smashed. this is probably WHY i'm always so depressed and miserable. so if you aren't going to do something, don't tell people you are. stupid idiot people. *bite*
so i added 17 new uniquist profiles and edited some profiles and there are also some new "members" (people that don't want profiles) ...this non-profile thing is starting to confuse me, i can't keep track ... lol so i would guess and say there are more than 50 people total...but that's as good as my guess can get...
so i finally met The Devil (Jason) last night. lol ...if you don't know why he's the devil then you haven't been keeping up on your reading! bad readers! lol.
for a moment i had 4 jasons in my phone, and 3 were from the internet and i had not met them.... now i only have two internet jasons that i have not met and 2 jasons that i barely know. how pathetic....oh well. i guess barely knowing people is better than nothing...although i'd really like to know people more....i want some fictional type group of close friends, but i've come to believe that will never be my fate...
anyways...I went to Jason's at like 1 in the morning last night [we are not vampires! we are web designers! get it right! haha] and we just hung out and talked and he fed me good $2 wine. (charles shaw merlot - not quite as good as my $5 wine, LOL, livingston red rose, but still pretty good ...) Jason seems pretty cool so far, not as sarcastic as i thought he was going to be, and also not as ...what do you call it? .... you know when people think they are too 'cool' for everyone? well i thought he was going to be like that, at least a little ...and he wasn't really ... he was actually quite nice and a real person (unless he's faking being a real person...hmmmm....lol) yeah but i hate those stupid people that are so insecure that they must embrace a label and try their hardest to become that label which usually includes putting everyone else down and really believing that they are cooler than other people ... and i'm so glad that Jason did not turn out to be one of those people...
i swear, the more i write, the less coherent i seem...like my writing skills are quickly disintegrating! it gets harder and harder to write what i want to say....it just doesn't work for some reason! i must be getting old! [like 90] lol
the last staw. so i got this email today from some shallow little person that is judging from appearances and not by READING.
"hi! i only want to tell you, that you are trully a rich bitch who things that 'oh! please make a donate to me!! i need clothes!!' there is people who die of hunger and you spend your time buying clother? lol byes! ana" [misato_ana@yahoo.com.ar]
and my response: " Ummmmmmmmmm i never said that i need clothes idiot... i actually need money for FOOD we won't have any food for two weeks because we don't make enough money and my mom is often homeless..in fact she is HOMELESS RIGHT NOW in 38 degree weather sleeping outside with wet clothes in the rain... her abusive boyfriend has done this to her... and you know what? we don't have enough money for gas to go pick her up! so why don't you shut the fuck up and KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO and KNOW SOMETHING about them before you open your mouth like you know everything! i don't spend my time buying clothes, IN FACT most of my clothes are 5 years old and from thrift stores!! i just KEEP them instead of throwing them away. i dont have money for clothes! you don't know ANYTHING about me! don't judge people by the way they look, it's very stupid. the end. bye"
people like that make me mad...they are so ignorant.
and you people too, you have no idea what i go through everyday and you have no idea what it feels like to be me. none. i don't write *everything* here. there are some things you just don't say. no matter who you are and how open you are, you can't always say everything because people wouldn't understand, and besides that i'm not trying to get pity or sympathy...so i'm not going to just sit here and say all the things that make my life suck and feel like i want to die. but maybe i should do that, make a huge list of everything and anything and maybe take my pictures off my site, oh and while i'm at it, i'll make my template all black with dark text...then maybe stupid idiots will understand that i'm NOT rich nor do i buy clothes! i bought some clothes for school with money i shouldn't have spent and that's it, $5 things that were on sale...oh yeah, that's really RICH you know.... my mom had to get us food from a church, that's RICH you know....(i could go on, and say worse things, but i won't...) fucking judgemental stupid shallow ignorant people why don't you try to understand people just a little more ...?! don't judge a book by it's cover: THAT MEANS SOMETHING, so listen!
I thought this was kinda neat: "By the way do you have a demo to sell? I love the song on the front page and sent the link to my boyfriend...He now sings it all the time. LOL!" -mandi (she's on the links page)
new link banners/buttons for a new year : be the first to get yours! click here! get your 2004 may*star link button today! (how was that for advertising? PLEASE for goodness sake, at least LOOK at them! there are almost 50! and i made them all last night! note: some suck.) here are some samples: [hint you have to click here to save them.]
i have this horrible disease called being too nice. sometimes when it comes to webdesign, i want to say "i'll do all this work for $40 (or $100, whatever)" and really the work takes me sooooo long that i end up getting paid $1-$2 per hour and somehow it's my own fault. and people tell me "your TIME is more valuable than that" and so on... but i still continue to have this horrible urge to under-charge people. i spent ALL summer working DAY and NIGHT for about $800 (maybe a bit more?). all my own fault. if i would have worked ALL those hours at a minimum wage job, i could have made $6,000, not joking. i feel bad about doing things for people for money...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!? i need to catch evil businessman disease!! people tell me, "if people don't want to pay you for your time, don't do it" but somehow i sometimes feel that making $1 for 200 hours of work is better than NOTHING....but really it's NOT better! i need to stop under-charging people!!! grrr! (i don't always undercharge people, but it feels like it...)
finally! i made it through all my emails! i have only 8 in my main inbox folder now!! it's so nice to see white space! ... 4 that need to be responded to, and 4 about a design that i am doing - my first repeat customer! i never thought i would have one of those! : )
i figure that if i stay up all today (i didn't sleep last night *cry*) i can get everything i need to get done finished... this might be a dream, but i can at least try: clean house, return REAL mail, post office, uniquists site, and i'm too tired to remember the rest... haha
BTW, thanks to Austin for a $5.00 donation and to my friend Marcy for $1 LOL! you guys are the only donations i've had in forever and ever!! haha oh and Marcy, paypal stole most of your dollar! lol i guess there is a $.30 charge per thing plus like % or something charge ... all i know is that they take away $3.20 from $100.00 and take $.33 from $1.00 i'm too lazy to look it up or figure it out...not even lazy, there's just no point in having that information.
I got this email a bit ago: "Hi from Brazil, sorry for any english error. I was searching for xanga templates, and so I arrived here in your site. At the first page, I saw the opening image and thought "one more prep". Then I read your story, saw more pics.. and could know a little of you, undoing the initial prep image heheh. My admiration for your willpower, attitude, courage, your being."
it really sucks when people see my blonde hair or whatever it is, and think "prep" ...it's even worse that ONLY non-prep people think this. preps know their own kind and know that i do NOT fit in with them at all, so this leaves me with ALL people rejecting me upon their first impressions. lovely.
i hate that people sometimes think that. i sometimes do it to though, i see someone in all black and black eyeliner and think "goth" ... except the difference with me is that it stops right there. i don't have any prior judgements that go along with that word. "goth" doesn't even seem to have any more depth than a clothing style nowadays. same with a lot of the lables. i guess that's what a lable is if you really think about it. a really lable (like on a cerial box) tells you what's INSIDE. but today's lables (of people) ONLY tell you what's outside. some goth's are very super nice, others are bitchey. some call themselves "industrial" some are wikkan (spelling?), some are vampires, and a lot are mainly just lost little girls (and boys) trying to find themselves and those we would call "posers" . ... lol although with the lable of prep, IF YOU CAN CORRECTLY understand the clothes that preppy people wear (which makes me 100% not in the category, even upon first glance), which i can, because i've been around waaaaay too many of them for the past 3 schools... you can pretty much know their basic value systems and many things about them, for example: they either have lots of money, or were raised that way and pretend to have lots of money. they believe in looking classy, they tend to hide their feelings/emotions, they generally do not understand people like me, at all, they tend to have pretty normal healthy lives with a few (sometimes horrible) family secrets, and so on ... and they care what people think about them and often live trying to impress others. i have never found a "prep" that didn't fit into that box, it's sad but true.... but you can't just lable people a prep, because you might not know WHO you are really labling. and that's why lables don't work. (did that make sense to anyone?? it made sense in my head, but it might have not been written right....)
okay, so i am ALMOST done with returning emails!! yay! but i have been saving the longest ones for last, so maybe i'm not as done as i think i am! i've sent 351 emails and i have 77 more to respond to and 25 uniquist emails to make into profiles or to edit profiles or to reject! i think actually a lot are going to be rejected because so many people didn't fill out all the required information, apparentley they can't read.... GOODNIGHT! (at 7am! lol)
so Saddam Hussein was captured? didn't they say he was dead??? someone want to buy me a tv? haha i'm so lost with news without one ... life actually seems better without a tv! i don't have to worry about all the killers everywhere, and random comets predicted to hit the earth, and so on... lol ... i just live and if a comet happens to hit me while i'm outside, oh well! (yes i know comet is not the right word, but i don't feel like remembering how to spell the right word... asteroid?)
go here and learn to love all the ska bands i listened to in 8th,9th,etc.. grade (i still listen to them, just not obssessed anymore lol) it's funny almost all the bands in the graphics of that page i've listened to and have somewhere (CD, tape, vinyl, Mp3) and believe me, that is rare for me! usually i look at a page of bands and see like two bands that i know of, never so many together! ... lol except electroclash club flyers...but yeah ... lol
when i was 4 or 5 years old i thought that maybe (it was only a thought) we are not really living right now, but we are all just dreaming. in my head i pictured everyone laying down on the floor of an orange carpeted room, sleeping. i guess when you die, you wake up. or perphaps you dream another life. who knows.
another recent theory is that we are in hell. to make matters worse, we think this is life, so we have hope. (some of us anyways, lol) and we don't know that we are stuck here forever, life after life.
and another is that this life is like a game, and if we play right, and win, we get into heaven. if you read the bible, you most likely know the rules of the game.
oh and by the way, a girl that my mom met said that the 10 commandments are for US and not for God.... to make US have better lives. and i've always thought the same thing. like with the adultary/no sex before you get married thing ... if everyone followed that, there would be WAY LESS emotional problems in this world! like i know girls that have sex with a guy they reeeeaaaallly like and then they guy leaves, the girl is hurt forever and feels attached to the guy, etc ...if the girl had been following the 10 commandments and waited to have sex to get married, she would NEVER HAVE TO FEEL THAT PAIN! and then, even better, when she had sex with the guy she got married to he couldn't ever leave ... lol Anyway, and then obvoiusly lying, stealing, treating people like you want to be, etc, are all things to make OUR lives better ... i'm sure God doesn't get hurt if we don't follow the 10 commandments, he might be sad that we get hurt, i just mean it must not really affect him ... blah .. i don't know how to explain.... lol if you steal, that hurts someone else, if you lie that hurts someone else, if you treat people other than how you want to be treated (good), then that hurts someone else... and so on... i think that the 10 commandments are a good way to make the world better and happier for everyone, and that if everyone followed them, even atheists, there would be less hurt people in the world.
everyone should also follow this (thanks Jim):
The Dalai Lama's "Instructions for Life"
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 2. When you lose, Don't lose the lesson. 3. Follow the three "R"s: . Respect of self . Respect of others . Responsibility for all your actions 4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 5. Learn the rules of the game so you know how to break them. 6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate actions to correct it. 8. Spend some time a day alone. 9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the better answer. 11. Live a good, honorable life. This way when you get older and think back you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. 12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 14. Share your knowledge. It's the only way to achieve immortality. 15. Be gentle with the earth. 16. Once a year, go someplace you have never been before. 17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
yes, so follow that and the 10 commandments and you will be at least a little bit better off. the end.
oh god. so i was down to 292 emails yesterday. and now it's at 321. i will NEVER be done! ahhhhhhhh! note this is NOT including all my junkmail lol. everytime i email someone they are just going to email me back, so it will never be done! don't email me back! write me letters back!! lol (unless it's about html or templates or something. lol)
oh and what's worse is that every email i respond to, i go look at their website first and stuff... so that takes even more time! lol
6 and a half years i spent in foster homes.... me! can you believe it? me?! i can't ... i never ever in my life dreamed that i would have to grow up without my mom. the funny thing is, the good thing is, that i never dreamed of growing up with her...never even thought about it ... i was soooooo happy in the present that i didn't want to hurry and grow up...maybe it's because i was only 11 ... wow 11 ...that's really very ld in reality ...i remember being 11 ...it's just the same as being 20, for the most part. the way you think doesn't change. at that age you are just as smart as you are now... i even got my first pair of platforms when i was 11 ... for dressup and for the school dance (middle school) that i never got to go to because i was so rudely kidnapped from my LIFE! thank you very much orange county social services! you know, i could probably really sue those idiots for ruining my life without even a reason! i just don't have time or the energy though...
anyways, it's just so weird, when i was little, i never ever in my life imagined that i would be seperated from my mom. and it happened ... and my mom and i had the strongest bond ever in the world and 'they' finally broke it. we are like strangers. we have both become mean and bitter and impatient. it's amazing what not being with your family can do. the only people who are actually my family are my mom and my little brother ...oh wait, he's adopted, i'm probably not even allowed to call him MY brother anymore....anyone related to my dad is not family to me ... they are like strangers ... and my grandma used to force me to go to department stores when i was little! ick! those clothes have always been ugly! lol no but seriously, they dont even invite me to christmas anymore! for NO reason .... i guess they dont want me to see my dad nd brothers who knows.... this is one of those picture perfect familys with hard to describe flaws ... like my grandma used to make me cinnamon and sprikles toast and stuff when i was little ... i've always hated her .... so lovey dovey ick fake ... and german accents ... ick ...it's not normal to hate your grandma is it? lol i lovvvved my mom's side grandma and great grandma!! they died in 87 and before ... so i can just barely remember them now... oh well, end of story....
i never ever thought i could relate to girls, or understand them fully, but lately i'm starting to realize that those were the fake girls and not the real ones ... real girls are so interesting. each one has their own story, and secrets. listening to them i feel more normal, not even that i didn't feel normal before, it's just it's nice to know that there's someone you can relate to, someone who has made the same mistakes as you, someone who thinks the same way as you ... someone that might even understand for once ... because i at least understand them....
you're fake like plastic except not as pretty your heart is empty your words are stock phrases no emotion behind them almost programmed to talk blindly selfish and stupid you take what you think is yours never sympathetic never understand a thing live in rich houses only pretty clothes are allowed you feel so much better than all the world so prideful you fall hypocrital contridictions you are not what you believe in your minds are closed you don't help anyone but yourselves do what YOU think is best for others but not what IS best for them you murder their souls instead you think you are better than the homeless they might have germs you think by smiling you help the world but you never even listen you dont ever even understand a thing.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind. -- Dr. Seuss
sidenote: Theodor Seuss Geisel is his full name and the library at my school is called Geisel and we have a dr. seuss room thing inside. (i haven't seen it)
People are phony to act nice and then the turn around and say something bad about you. My opinion is to stone them to death and lower the population. --annon. internet person (LOL!)
this is your french lesson for the day. learn children! learn!
quoi = what? je ne sais pas = i don't know. je t'aime = i love you. très cool = very cool. je suis fatigué = i'm tired. c'est bon = it's good. mal = bad. jolie = pretty. qu'est que c'est? = what is it? (mia and i also used to use to to say: what is that? what did you say? what did you mean? lol) those are the only things i can remember how to spell of the top of my head...i still haven't slept yet.
update: SOLD! to the man with the beautiful car! lol and if you want a custom blogdesign, NOW is the time to ask me to make you one, and only now, because i'm in a stupid coding mood! about $60 -$120 for a normal template.... the $60 ones have no graphics ... graphics make the designs sooooo hard! you have to code around the graphic!! and you have to make the graphic and ahhhh!
guess what? this template is for sale! [note: the link is only a blurry screenshot and not the actual code, to prevent theft.]
if you want to be the only one in the WORLD to own this template, email me! I can even customize the title/colors for you! if you want it, hurry before someone else gets it!
[yes, coding blocks out thinking and masks depression...lol]
ten thousand cups color on the outside blackened inside nothingness is everything sweetness bites inside is darkness daylight is away dreaming is a dream nightmare won't go away.
and lately, despite the colorful post, yesterday was one of the most depressing days i've ever experienced in my life. and get this you logical people: there was no concrete reason.
yes. she's crazy.
please give me a REASON to WHY life is not pointless. WHY should i try to do anything in life? why does it matter?!! WHY WHY WHY? i ask this question all the time, and i need a an answer that i can believe so that i can keep on living!
yes, i've answered my own question in the my song "god" ... but in that case, someone needs to prove to me that god exists for sure ... because after over 2 years at ucsd, you become a bit brainwashed and just don't know what to believe ... you end up believing nothing ...no god, and no science ... just plain nothing.
there were times when i could have been 99.9999% sure there was a god, esp. when you know my mom and see what she's been though, survived, and all the magic good things that happen to her ....
and athesisitic, too smart for her own good, mia even now seems to believe in god ... and if she can, anyone can!!
but still...i need to see god to believe in him for 100% sure ... yes, yes, it's supposed to be "faith" and not "proof" and i will still live like there is a god and a bible even if there is no god, but why can't i just know for sure? my whole life i've wanted to know ...and at this point in life i've given up hope (in general) and so that makes it harder to believe in anything ...
and that makes life 100% pointless like never before, and that makes working at mcdonald's my whole life exactley equivelent to being a rich and famous singer/actress in my mind.
i'm going to die someday.
so WHY should i work really hard to be a singer or something that i might want to be? why make effort if i'm just going to die?! and what is the point to being what i want to be? i'm not going to be happy, it's not going to benifit anyone and if it does, well, they are going to die too, so who cares?
everything is just pointless. and with that, why don't we all just die now????
someone PLEASE give me a reason to live and to follow my stupid worthless dreams that i don't even want anymore. you know what i want in life? nothing. that's how bad it is. i want to be nothing, i want to do nothing, and nothing is making me happy lately and i'm getting old and i never have energy anymore and i hate life and i hate things and i know it's not the way to be, but i'm stuck. i'm not even stuck, i'm falling, which is worse. click here see the little guy in the bottom right corner of my drawing? that's where i'm at ....and after awhile of falling, you die. you kill yourself OR you are just so miserable you simply die.
goodbye to raves. forever. i've said this many many times: raves are dead ... in the past year or so, each rave i went to was increasingly worse. i hate not having room to dance. i hate stupid mainstream people walking all over me-into me-beside me-whatever, and braking my fairy wings!! and to make matters worse, the music sucks more and more each time, the people, the raver wanna-bes (sorry, there are no such thing as ravers anymore, they all died and grew up!) are all dirty and icky and drugged out and OH MY GOD are they NOT trustworthy!!! so happy and 'blah blah blah' and then they can't even keep a fucking secret for even a few hours!! (this happened to me multiple times! - it even made me cry the last time- not being able to TRUST anyone) ....okay, so maybe there are TWO or perphaps FOUR good ravers in the entire world, but the majority of them suck and the places they call raves are not raves and they suck too. everything about raves sucks now ... and as much as i hate it, it won't ever go back to being the way it used to be, the life has been sucked out of the rave scene and it only makes me miserable to go to them ... so this new years, i will not be going to TAO (together as one) ... and the only thing that i will miss about this newer horrible version of the rave scene is being able to dress as a naked raver or wear whatever i wanted to wear and not feel stupid or jugded... were else can i wear my prettyful nakedness-raver-outfit? and where else can i wear wings? does anyone know? i really need to get a job as a dancer at a club!! that would be sooooo perfect except for i have no balance anymore and i never get to go dancing enough, so i always forget how to dance!! see that "picture of the day/week" ? -------> well, that was from november 14th and it is now december 12th and that was the last time i got to go dancing, so basically i'm lucky to go once a month!
can a depressed girl be "shallow" and talk about colors for once? so i used to say: "what i don't match?! carrots are orange and green, so are are flowers! are you trying to tell me that carrots and flowers don't match?!" and that was how i explained to people that orange and green went together ....i don't think i have a picture, sorry, that was 7th grade (and 8th too...) but it did match!!! lol and there was the pastel pink with the light green outfit, and the blue and bright green and purple and green and all sorts of colors. freshman year of college it was leopard and light bright blue. ( i have fuzzy leopard shoes and a purse that actually match, thanks to chris! wow ... and that means they are both 4+ years old!! he got me the leopard purse [where is that purse anyway??] for our one year anniversary ...$20 from back when hot topic was actually somewhat 'cool' and the shoes were $14 from flashbacks in OC ..can't remember the occasion though... 4 years old...hmmm... no wonder they are falling apart!!)
anyways, hey, so you thought i didn't match then?! well nowadays i wear colors that i would have never dreamed of putting together .... lol like colors i hated together....
i guess as you get older, those things happen to you. hopefully i don't end up looking completely insane. (click the 'example' links to see the outfits and things i'm referring to)
this year, i've decided that hot pink an bright blue go together: example 1 | example 2
okay guys, so i'm down to 292 emails.... i just spent like 6 and half hours answering emails! MY FINGERS HURT!!!!! it feels like i have ... what is it called ... arthritis!! i want to keep staying up to get them all done, but it hurts, like my whole hand(s) hurt just typing this!! wow.... that means i replied to 101 emails! eep! my hands hurt *waaaaaaaaaah* ok, the end. maybe i'll go to bed now! if you love me, you will get my PO box address off the tipjar page, and WRITE TO ME instead of emailing me! i'd rather pay 40 cents for a stamp than type!!
oh by the way, does anyone happen to know how to mail a letter to canada? do i need special postage or ??? help? yes, i could look it up, but i deserve to be lazy!!! i just spent so much time writing to you guys!!! lol
oh, but, p.s. ....as much as i complain about emails, THANK YOU for emailing me! i am grateful and i do appreciate it! i just like to complain about everything! lol
thank you chris for leaving on the oven!!! grrr! anyone have a spear brain that chris can borrow? i asked him if he turned off the oven! i'm quite sure he said "yes" ....6 hours later i find it on!! sometimes i feel like a mom and not a girlfriend... wait, maybe i always feel like a mom ... i also feel over 100 years old and 5 years old at the same time ... i'm rambling ... so goodbye. lol
things i need to get done (hopefully over christmas brake): 1) answer 393 emails 2) update and add profiles to the unquists site 3) make a donators page 4) finish my design portfolio thing 5) design a blog for an old customer for about $1-2/hour (i know, i know, but i set the price not him ...i'm too nice, i'll never learn! haha) 6) call my aunt. i was supposed to call her MONTHS ago, remember? 7) mail heather's christmas present ...i even found a post office!!! (yeah, i didn't know where the hillcrest post office was for like 6 months! lol my mommy showed me where it was! lol) go send heather christmas presents! she's really nice! she likes the sent of lavendar and happy bunny (and other things too, of course!) ...go! now! to the store! buy her presents!! people as sweet as her deserve presents!!
things i want to do: 1) dance 2) see people i know 3) REST 4) steal a car (no, not really ... but if you have an extra car laying around, i'll buy it from you for $40!! LOL that's all the money i have ...) 5) im not sure.... everything is so pointless anyway .... what's the point of even doing things you want to do? i'm lost.
so my 21st birthday is in exactly 3 months and here i go looking at las vegas stuff again ... i'm going to need about $250 for club cover charges (i'm not kidding!! 6 nights times two people times $20 = $240) ... and $800 - $2500 for a hotel [or i could spend $300 for a week and stay in a motel with walls you can hear through and scary marines that stay there ...i want my birthday to be good for ONCE in my life! you only turn 21 once! and i'm always trying to be cheap and spend very little money ...but i want my birthday to be different!] .... oh and $38954390540 for drinks and what about food? eating out is sooooo expensive! i'll just starve i guess! i want to drink pretty colorful drinks in pretty glasses ... and drinks are about $6- $10 each.... let's say chris and i only drink 2 drinks each at each club... that's about another $240 ...and that's just for two drinks! you are supposed to get drunk when you turn 21! grrrr ...
i'm NEVER going to come up with that much money!!
look how pretty though!! : 2 pictures of ghostbar the cover charge for this place is $20 per person and it's hardly even a club! grrr! it's mainly just a bar!
what a waste of money, just for a birthday!! but don't worry, there's almost no way that we will come up with that money in 3 months ... (at least about $2000 including everything and gas and food) ...we will be LUCKY to even save $800..... actually chris is the one that thinks we can save $800 by then...but i know better ... we'll be able to save well ... let's see... chris makes about $1200/m subtract rent 800/m subtract cellphone bills and car insurance 200/ subtract money for gas and food all month long at least $400/m = NEGATIVE $200/month ... so we will be able to save NOTHING AT ALL. [chris was making more money because he was going to get paid under the table for 3 months, as a trial period or so, BUT the company loved him SO MUCH that they put him on the books after a week! stupid taxes!! taxes take about $300+ a month or so!!! grrrr. thank you taxes for taking away my birthday!!] and if i do get to go, SOMEHOW, you know i'll end up staying in the marine infested motel :( ... [sorry guys, there's nothing wrong with marines or army people or navy people except for that they are SCARY to girls! they are so sex-starved that are a bit, um, well, 'creepy' most of the time....]
well, if your computer is not stupid [mine is stupid grrr], you should be able to see the new little star icon in the address bar next to http://www.maystardesigns.com ....i only put it on the main page and the journal page ... click this link: * click here to add this page to your favorites * and the little icon should appear in your favorites list too!
but, since my computer is stupid, i CAN'T see any of this stuff...my computer used to be able to see those icons, i don't know what happened!!
for those of you that cannot see it [like me!! grrrr!], it should look like this: (thanks to jason for the screenshot and help!)
finals are FINALLY over!!! thank god! school is like torture! and now i have about 400 emails to finally respond to....yay. fun... 400 times about 30 min.s each = too much of my time! where's my secretary?!!! haha... actually 2-4 people volunteered to be my secretary, lol, it's just that ...well... what's the point of emailing me if i don't even read it and/or respond? btw, i've already *read* all 400 emails ... i just need to write back... :( i HATE TYPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the end. good night!
oh yeah, and whoever wants to go dancing in LA this week/weekend (thurs, fri, sat, and or sun are the best nights for clubs), call me or email me!! xoxo <3
it's so depressing... today was the last day of acting class .... there were so many wonderful people in that class and i'm probably never going to see at least half of them ever again :( ...a lot of us went out to lunch today, after class, at chipotle ...it was really fun ... we had the most random conversations like we always do.... and spending time with people i actually like for once is really nice...haha ....they aren't shallow and snobby and stupid like all the other ucsd students....thank god... finally i find good people and then the class ends too soon...just my luck! oh well. hopefully i will see some of them for christmas break! go stare at zenaida from my class, she's beautiful! ...well, off to study for physics now....ick...i hate finals! but it's my last final ...yay! Hi Angela and Zenaida, if you are reading this! :) haha...
do you know this site contains 211 pages? wow. i didn't. lol i've done waaaay too much html in my life! almost half of those pages are from my free templates! eeep!
Peanut Butter and Butter. no, not on a sandwich together!! ...where do you keep them? in the fridge or on the counter/in the cupboard? it seems like so many people's moms leave the butter out on the counter...but guess what? moms can be wrong, despite popular belief. it clearly states on packages of butter "keep refrigerated or else you will die of a strange disease!" ... well, maybe not the last part, but it does say to keep refrigerated, so why do people continue to leave the butter out like it's the middle ages or something? (you know, a lot of people died back then...must have been that butter...) if you buy something that is refrigerated, keep it refrigerated! common sense people! i don't care if your butter's not soft! at least you'll stay alive!
and peanut butter...why is it able to live in the cupboard? everything else goes bad when left out, so why not peanut butter? some of us spitefully keep it in the refrigerator anyway ... right chris b? at least our form of rebelling can't make anyone sick ;) [unlike you evil butter un-refrigerators!!] it's probably better off in the fridge...less bacteria living in there...haha
confess. which of you leave your butter out?! where do you keep your peanut butter? tell us.
wtf?? About 47,000 Americans Die Each Year from Flu ...why did no one ever tell me that people die from the flu?!?!?! it wasn't until this year that i found this out ... and 47,000 a year?!! (or 36,000 according to the radio) ... why did i never know that you can DIE from the flu?!! i've even forced myself to go to school when i had the flu! did anyone else not know this?? or am i the only one....?
so i finally donated to YACCS today. [the place that hosts my comments/etc] ...i wish that i had more money to donate, but i don't. you guys should all go donate to all your "free" commenting things and free this and free that too...they may be 'free' for you, but they cost the people that run and design and create them a lot of time and money! it costs money to own a 'real' website and domain name, it costs money when people visit your site (bandwidth) or when people use files that come from your site, and they owners of the sites spend soooooooooooooo much time just working on things that you get for 'free' ...and time is money ...every hour they spent creating this 'free' thing for you, they could have been WORKING at a JOB, making money, and that would be a lot of money!!... so go give them money! even a dollar or five or ten, or anything helps! it costs YACCS about $2000 a year to keep up that site... i'm sure other commenting sites, site meters and so on spend just as much!
read this [about emailing people] ...i've gotten a lot of email too, and really, listen to this lady...it can only help you look better and keep people from hating you...
The results of our game of Two Lies and a Truth... the guesses are in...the following statements reflect the majority votes:
Turns out chris b. is not a player and did not sleep in his friend's chicken coup when he was homeless, although we do have a couple people that still think so, despite what the elite majority thinks.... we believe that he was electrocuted by lightning while playing his guitar and had to go to the hospital and had an irregular heartbeat for a while.
Most of us believe that heather spent $150 on a webcam that she rarely ever uses....chris b. and i still think she love's her job though ... are we wrong? : ( it is also believed that her father has been in jail at least 6 different times ...i'd believe any of those things actually...
Micah confused us with his statements, there was almost a tie, but we mainly believe that he's friends with the drummer for lynyrd skynyrd ...although it would have been more fun if he really doubled as a mannequin at saks fifth avenue....and at least one person believes that he played professional tennis ...
More than half of us think that the devil spent the night in a Mexican jail...he does live near mexico...makes sense.... a couple of us believed that he met axl rose at magic mountain ... who is axl rose anyway? lol (no, i don't have a search engine right in front of me! i swear!) and no one believes that he has done drugs with jewel ... although i do believe that he may have had coffee with her ;) if i remember right ... he claims all three are true... Jason, were you joking or not? all 3?
We 100% agree that rakkel did not creat a computer virus that destoyed her college's internet service for two months. and she didn't date 21 year olds starting at age 14, instead we agree that her hair has been every color of the rainbow within a time frame of one year.
And we have our first tie: we believe that mariah is either really a boy or has a drug addict for a mother...and two people believe that she accidentally shot someone....
Most people think that jade secretly likes cheese... i thought it sounded reasonable that her boyfriend could be 4'8 ...isn't that a good height for a 10 year old boy? no one believes that she was arrested in japan...come on jade, you'd still be there to this day! lol
Trista does not have only 4 toes on one foot, and has not been thrown out of a bar in NYC, instead we believe that she was asked for her driver's license by a cop while walking down the street.
Almost all of us agree that kim once got so drunk that she blacked out. one of us believes that her cat once bit off her toe ...hmmm... no one believes that her cat 'even broke [her] wrist once from nawing on it so much.' ...yeah...
You guys 100% thought that i, maystar, once stole a car and returned it to the same spot. and you were 100% wrong! [works every time! lol] dude, i'm not that brave! no one thought that i had dated one of the guys from blink 182 (although my brother's adopted parents do know two of the guys...lol) and none of you guessed the truth! lol ...my truth was: my cat was eaten by the landlady. i was 11 years old, our cat was 16 years old, we lived there two days, the lady told us that she ate our cat ... and it was gone ... forever :( we quickly moved out but never got over the loss of our cat ... : (
ok, now go comment and admit your truths! were we right?! which of your statements were true?! confess!
[6:22pm p.s. the blogger post-dating thing didn't work for some reason... ?? grrrr]
"oh my god, oh my god! eeeeep!" but seriously: oh my god. lol i had the most interesting exciting random day today! [that doesn't mean it was a 'good' day! haha] wow. it actually gave me energy for once and i don't feel so depressed for a moment!
real stalker #3...or is it #4?: anyway, so first, (after only 3 hours of sleep and taking chris to work and then getting ready for my acting scene), i go to the car and get in. i'm wearing my bright pink boots and a pink scarf and a black coat...anyway, so this expensive-ish black jeep-looking-thing (maybe an ex-terra? lol) pulls out of the small doctor's office place across from where i'm parked, and it looks like he is going to take my spot. but then he leaves and then goes back to his old spot. then i start the car and the guy comes back ...again waiting for my spot. so i pull out, turn right onto a street and drive off. a second goes by. then i look in my rearview mirror.. the jeep is behind me! i turn right again ... he follows ... then i turn left ... he follows ... i weave through the cars trying to lose him ... he follows from a distance trying to keep hidden behind other cars... then i'm turning right again... he speeds up and changes lanes and turns right also ... into the RIGHThand lane ..i turned into the left hand lane and am waiting at the light to turn left onto the freeway ... he quickly darts over, across all the lanes! all the way from the right hand lane and gets behind me! i look in my rearview mirror again .. he white with preppy hair and is wearing a light blue preppy business shirt ... he sees me looking the second i look and quickly puts down his sun-visor so that i can't see his face!! i get my cell phone and pretend to call the police .. he picks up his cell phone at the same time, mimicking me, i put my phone down, he puts his down ...i hold mine up to my ear again, he does the same thing. then i turn left onto the 163 freeway and then i go west onto the 8, he follows me!! then i take off going 90 miles an hour on the 8, weaving through cars, trying to lose him ... he still follows, changing lanes with me at first and then i get so far ahead of him that i can't 100% see him and i'm at the place where the freeways split: the 5 north, 5 south, and the 8 west...i hope to lose him here ... i'm not sure if i did or not, but i kept going 90.... all the way to school!
so that was part 1. part 2 : new subject: "hey, were you the jerk that i made out with two years ago?" so i get to the place where i usually park near my school, and my acting partner comes and parks on the same street and arrives like one second after me! weird. i park off campus... anyway....i saw his car - a light greenish blue colored newer BMW - and something clicked -- i was like: "his name is alex, and i swear i've seen this bmw before..." and i told him: "oh wow, there was a guy i kissed freshman year of college, named alex who had a bmw just like yours..." and we tried to figure out if it was him or not...i told him that i met that alex at a warren college dance and my acting partner said that he used to go to those, ...and i told him that i took the alex-guy to my house - we were having a party there that night, and that we kissed and i think i was drunk and i was randomly like: "i'm not going to do anymore than just kiss you, so if that's not enough for you, maybe you should leave..." (i was being nice and telling the guy that he might be wasting his time lol) AND HE LEFT!!! lol what a jerk!!! lol
so later, after class, my acting partner was like "oh i think i remember now - do you go to ERC? (part of ucsd - ucsd is split into 5 'colleges') and i was like "yeah" and he was like "did you have a different color hair and live in the pepper canyon apartments and (something, something, blah, blah, blah)?" and it was him!! my "acting partner alex" is also "jerk guy alex that i kissed two+ years ago"!! i didn't even recognize him! i still don't ... and he didn't regonize me! lol he was like "you look soo different with blonde hair and you didn't dress all weird back then" and i was all "yeah, that was when i was trying to dress normal and it was depressing and etc... so i went back to being me" .... and it was all so just so horrible in a way...! we were laughing about it - that we had kissed and didn't even know it - but it was more like "why did i have to run into this person again!??" and i just wanted to hide! ... lol ... but at the same time it's nice to find someone from the past, that knows a little bit of your past.... but i still don't regonize him - why not???? why?! like when i look at his face, nothing clicks... i mean yeah i'm the one that put two and two together and realized it was him and i remember almost every moment of spending time with him two years ago, but it almost seems as if it's not really the same person.... and it's so weird ... we met each other two different times as different people, in a way, like a whole different side of each other ... the studying/smart/friends only side this time ....so strange! ....
what a strange day. not to mention that the fire alarm went off at 7:00am when there was no fire, smoke, or anything! what a lovely thing to hear in the morning! grrrr lol
please please go guess on this ... if you don't guess, what fun is the game? after everyone guesses, i'll put up the majority guesses and we will see if we are right.... update: (12/03) guesses for our game of Two Lies and a Truth have been collected and the final majority vote will be posted tomorrow (Dec. 4th.) at 9:30am ..yes i've already written them, but i'm making you wait ... tee hee .. i "post-dated" the post ... just like a post dated check... lol ...well kinda... okay, i'm too tired to make sense! sorry... haha
so i had to look up "Plato's Retreat" for acting class because we have to research the scenes we are doing. anyway, EEP! lol you don't want to know what that was! lol: "...In the basement of the Ansonia was Plato's Retreat, then the world's most famous sex club. Men and women would stroll about the Ansonia lobby in nothing but towels. In the club, they would have sex with possibly a dozen or so people in a single night...." eep! eep! eep! scary dude!
and while looking for it, i found this:the history of swinging ...i think it's interesting that one of the earliest swing clubs, was in orange county... that sounds just like orange county! a bunch of so-called "classy" rich people with dirty little secrets...and the key thing ...i heard that while living in orange county...lol ...i wonder if that was ever true or not....
