Tiff is picking me up at 1am tonight to go to OC...i'll be back on something like sunday night....i'm so excited, i haven't seen tiffany for like 6 years!!! i hope this doesn't feel strange... and now time to sleep!!
tonight was quite interesting and i'm sorry to bore you guys with all these stupid stories you probably don't care about, but this is my journal ...anyways tonight i went to lulu's with marcy and kate and my coffee actually had enough vanilla in it for the first time in years (yes, years., or one year)...oh yeah and we also went into a porn shop (F street) and laughed and looked at all the silly things in it. i always find that stuff terrifying or distasteful and not funny, but yeah...it's nothing i haven't seen two million times before...this place was definitely the most tasteless place i've ever been in, but i still don't mind being taken to places that i don't like...it's fun to go anywhere when you are with good friends. after coffee, they dropped me off at home and then zenaida picked me up and we went to this "warehouse party" ... it was somewhere downtown, in this random orange building with a secret door...all downstairs was the party with a DJ and lots of people, and then upstairs (where only we were allowed to go, at first) was where two of the guys lived... it was really interesting ... there were curtains/flowy material instead of doors, and tons and tons of space. the furniture was an interesting mix of mod and vintage and all sorts of styles with the coolest abstract art on the walls, and a bar, and candles and there was a pole and a balcony that overlooked the dirty warehouse dancefloor, and there was a chair suspended from the ceiling (not a bubble chair though) and so on... i wanted to live there! it was like some old run down building, but at the same time they had made it super cool...anyways so the DJ left soon after we got there (yeah, we got there way too late) we hung out and talked, attempted to dance to the music they put on when the DJ left and the other special people were also allowed to come upstairs too...but no luck, the music was not what i wanted to dance to...i ended up being DJ for the rest of the night, and downloaded some halfway decent music for the people...and i was attacking a boy that liked radiohead and the cure for not liking modest mouse and the smiths and air and le tigre and just about everything else i put on ... and he tried to make me put on dave matthews!! i was about to murder him! how could anyone be that ignorant about music?!?! dave mattews band is the worst band in the entire world!! and how could someone not like modest mouse?!?! luckily, there was one intelligent person at the whole party, a 30 year old guy that lives in Mexico and works here. He was the only one that knew who ladytron was (come on people, you have to at least know that much! and no one has even heard of the word 'electroclash' either!!) and he knew all the depeche mode and portishead (etc, etc....) songs i was putting on, and we had this whole long conversation about music and mexico and things...and there was some kind of music i was supposed to look up, but as with everything else that has a specific name, i can't remember it. luckily he gave me his card, so maybe i'll email him and ask him. so while my girl friend made out with a guy all night, i was stuck on the computer! how exciting! may goes to a party and gets on the computer! god. lol ...but really, there was nothing better to do at that point. and i was totally being molested by all these creepy guys. everyone kept touching my back or my arm or something every time i walked by them or sat near them...including this older guy. ewwww. anyway, at one point i finally gave up with my music fight and sat near the boy with the lack of taste in music, (or did he sit next to me?) and after about 5 minutes he tries to kiss me!!! and i'm like "i can't do this, i have a boyfriend" and i kept trying to push him off me and finally i got up and tryed to walk away and he kept being really super persistent and grabbed my hand and took me downstairs and wanted me to sit on the couch with him, i stupidly did, thinking that he was NOT going to try anything else. and then he kept trying and trying to kiss me and trying to convince me that cheating was not wrong, and i escaped his grip (literally) and went and ate some tortilla chips and then walked up the stairs and left him in the cold. he was like "you're not really going to leave are you?" but i did. he of course followed me and tryed for 5 more minutes to kiss me, physically and by trying to convince me...he totally invaded my chair too...it's kinda funny, whatever chance he could have had to kiss me, he eventually totally ruined by being overly persistent when i was completely saying "no" harder than ever before. and the more he was desperately persistent, the easier it got to say "no." the emotion of "no" is very new and exciting for me...it's like some kind of power that i never knew existed. the only problem with the word "no" is that you have to say it 200 and 36 million times and it's still not effective. ... you have to have the (strong) emotion of "no' for it to actually work...yeah, but after that i was finally able to get to zenaida and we left at 6:22am ...
i'm sorry, it's all my fault, i've cursed you all... lol ... remember my post asking if you would die if you lost your cell phone? (with your numbers in it!) well, since then jason's phone has been stolen, cicely's phone has been stolen, jena lost her phone again, and matt's phone died and ate all his numbers. so once again children, if you have a cell phone, go write your numbers down on paper!!! now!! quickly! before it's too late! [the next post i write on this subject will be "guys, i lost my cell phone and i never wrote my numbers down...!" LOL]
being 21 is going to SUCK so i got into club 80's last night, my forth 21+ club, and it was just "eh" .... the music was a mixture of half good, and half bad... and i'm already sick of the venue after going to that one only twice. i mean, i can "deal" with it, the way i deal with being dragged to hop-hop clubs, but i'm just not in love. yeah, so the only thing that was good about that club was selena being there. she's so adorable and fun... ok, fine jason, you're fun too...i don't know about that adorable part though ... lol ... yeah, so anyways, after we got out of the club, and after we finished talking to people, we started to leave and these 2 guys start yelling stuff at us as we crossed the street .... like calling me "Paris" which is an insult coming from that type of person ...and then we yelled back "how original!" "how creative!" and then they tried to yell stuff at J too...but we were nice and didn't smash their faces in with my pink boots... hehehe ...it so felt like 4th grade...like viscious kids attacking us... it's like, "umm...i realize that you think you are super cool or something, but ummm, (you're not and) you are ADULTS! do you realize that?!?!" these guys were seriously like white trash grade school dropouts! lol. nevertheless, their words were still hurtful, at least to me. another reminder that i just don't fit in anywhere ... and having this color of blonde hair makes me the enemy of all different types of people...i just LOVE how people judge on appearences! the alternative type crowd thinks: "she's blonde so she's preppy, she doesn't belong with us" and then the preppy people think: "Like OH mY god! Her haIR is LiKe sUcH a tRasHy sHaDe oF bLonDe, sHe liKe sO doEs nOt bElonG wiTh us!" something like that at least...but i guess they are both right, i don't fit in with either side...but i wish they would all just accept me for me anyway...i don't WANT to be on either side... i don't want to have to play those games! on one side you spend all of your time trying to learn about every new underground band ever created, and if you don't know one of them, even if they've only been a band for 5 minutes, you LOSE. and on the other side, you have to spend $200 every few weeks to get your hair done (it doesn't look the same if you do it yourself!) and you have to get your nails done, and you have to get the right brands of clothes and the right look, and on and on and on and you just can't win! .... and i just think that both sides are too competitive and absolutley pathetic. this world is pathetic and i hate it here...
oh wait, but just a side note, i'm not completely miserable (for once!) i'm happy to have my beautiful friends, and they make life a little more bearable... what would i do without them?!?! and also, i felt like i fit in at Vice Versa...
kate is always crocheting (like knitting...) in class and today she was telling me how she needed to get more yarn/wool because she had all these half made blankets at home. she said that she no car and was stuck on campus alllllll the time, and so i was like "i so know how that feels! i'll take you! want to go after class?" and she was like shocked that someone offered to take her....she said that no one has ever done that kind of thing, or something ... it was so odd, i completely thought that Kate was the type of girl that either had a car or was taken care of by her friends (all the girls with cars seem to take care of their friends that don't, thank god, because otherwise they'd be stuck relying on guys, who always seem to want something in return...soooo many girls i know are completely dependent on their boyfriends and can't leave for that reason...), yeah, but anyways, turns out no one is taking care of kate! so me and marcy are going to adopt her as our friend : ) ...not like we have cars, but we have boys with cars ... hehe ...anyways, chris and i took kate to get her yarn stuff ... i don't mind taking an hour out of my day to help out someone else..hey, i've even driven random mexicans to work! i'll just see someone walking and see if they need a ride anywhere! lol ... it really doesn't bother me at all...i guess if i was in a hurry it might be different though, i don't know, ... but god, do i ever know how it feels to not have a car!!! being stuck on that horrible ucsd campus, NOTHING is worse than that! .... and when you are a girl, sometimes when you're walking down the street, like going to work, people whistle at you as they drive by, and you think: "HELLO?!?! don't whistle at me you idiot! offer me a ride!" lol once when i was about 17, i was walking to work and someone yelled something at me out of their car and i stopped them and made them give me a ride to work! teehee ...some boys in an orange bug....turns out they went to the same highschool as me....
thanks so so so much to ICDedPpl for getting me 2 cure CD's off my wishlist thing! : ) Oh and also thanks to Kevin for a little donation earlier this week!
hey you guys! i've been up for like 30 hours! i need sleep! i'm at jason's house writing my 5 page paper that is due tomorrow. yay. fun. he was supposed to be helping me, but it turns out that "we's is are both stoopid"...so i'm really struggling, as usual...i've got like a page or so done, half of what i typed and half of what he typed.... but it is a lot easier to type things on J's computer (an ibook ... kinda like yours marcy!!) ... i seem to write a lot faster and it's easier to make up random stuff ....something about the softness of the keys.... i want an ibook too! no fair! but there are some things that i hate about ibooks, but we won't get into that now...back to my stupid paper...
so no matter who wins the election, we are guaranteed to have a stupid president. lovely america. but yeah, i only have like third hand information ... it's hard to form opinions on things without at least a little tv and radio....
never in my life did i think i would turn out to be the way i am now: completely ignoring any sort of influence from what they call "the media". i don't watch tv, i don't listen to the radio (i do in the car, but when was the last time i was in the car?!?!), i don't go see movies really, i don't read magizines, i don't read the newspaper ... i'm like 100% completely out of it. i listen to random bands i find on my own and the bands my friends feed me, i find my own clubs, and at this point i don't want to care about the outside world anymore. i was against war. no one cared. me caring did nothing. so fine, have wars, blow up america, i really don't care. we all need to die anyway. and i don't care about movie stars either. that is completely irrelevant to my life or anyone else's. i think it's stupid how star's lives are publicized. do americans not have lives? god. i purposley refuse to learn the names of any actors or actresses. if i'm not going to learn the names of the people that bag my groceries, why the hell am i going to bother to learn the names of people i don't know or care about? makes no sense to me.
when did i stop being political? did anyone notice? sometimes i try, but i just don't have any facts anymore. where did all my good teachers go?!?! no one is filling my head with anything to think about!! i don't like it! my beloved Cardoza is gone forever! i never thought i'd miss a teacher, but i do. he was the greatest teacher ever. almost everyone loved him, and the one's that didn't, deeply hated him for his wonderful ideas and opinions. he's the only teacher i ever bothered to meet with outside of class. he said he quit, but i think they must have paid him to quit or fired him for his ideas or something...something was just not right about all that...
so, " mAi daiSy x 17 " has one of my old half poems quoted in her AIM profile: "i feel my innocence dying in your hands each day and my hopeful mind is begining to decay again" and somehow, AMAZINGLY, i knew my own writing well enough to recognize that it was mine!! i wrote that soooooooo long ago ... a year and a half ago! see June 1, 2002 post wow, that's crazy ... i had no idea i could remember stuff like that... that's like the first poem thing i ever put in my blog, i think...
oh and yeah, i've already left her a comment about this, and we've talked on AIM for mintutes before any of this, but she keeps posting bits of poems of MINE in her blog and saying "New Poem" and not crediting me. that really makes me mad. i mean, for goodness sake, i even credit bands as famous and known as the cure and no doubt when i use their lyrics,... it makes it seem like you are trying to say that YOU wrote the poem if you don't credit it...especially when you say "new poem:"
hmmm....i guess maybe i was right all along, i should keep my poems/lyrics off this evil internet... you notice how there's not a "poems" page/link? that was oh so very intentional. stealing pictures and code and webdesigns are one thing, but stealing lyrics and words? that is just sooooo extra horrible. the worst way of pretending to be someone you're not. i get very defensive about these things...and i even know how to find out where people with AIM live ... hehehe *evil laugh*
i wonder which club mailing list that i'm on sent this link to me? bondage ball ... the 80's room in it looks a little interesting, and i saw VNV Nation live once at synthetic/peepshow, and they were really good, like "gothic rave music" ... but other than that, this club event thing looks a little boring to me. without perfect music, a club is nothing. (so really i'm just complaining that they are not playing much electro type stuff, except for like new order...)
it's interesting how i can switch from so strong and independent to so almost needy and helpless all by letting someone in to my emotions/whatever it's called...the stupidest part of it all is that i know this, and yet do nothing about it. i refuse to play games. i refuse to block emotions, and so on. i don't want to be cold. coldness hurts other people, which eventually makes them cold too. i don't want to kill other people just to protect myself.... that would be selfish.
find what's different (new) on this page. hint: it's not on any other page and it's blue. it could be a link....
so...who wants to go to synthetic with me on friday? i'm going to start dragging people by their hair!!! i am NOT joking!!! i haven't been to my own favorite club since november! no wonder i always want to die!!! ...i don't even get to live the way i want to! i'd drag poor chris along, but he hurt his ankle at work last week...he actually likes that club, or so he says...yeah, so who's coming with me? Marcy? Jason? Zen? Tiffany? Mia? Random stranger? i'm so sick of this game. it's really a waste of time to ask people to do anything...i swear i've spent like 50% of college trying to convince people to go dancing!! what is it with people never wanting to go dancing? and now it's never wanting to go to LA ... even when i have offered to pay for gas and to drive!!! *sigh* i guess everyone is just getting old and boring and un-fun... no one has any sense of adventure... (work reverse-psychology, work!! lol)
tied down, tied up...something... there are all these things i want to do that i will never be able to do because i'm tied down by school and by chris and who knows what else ... like i want to randomly travel all over the US ... go visit robbi in washington and chris b. in virgina and arek in new york and so on .... and i want to actually be in a band for longer than 2 days for once, and i want to go to london "to study" (yeah, but really to dance!), and on and on and on ... but i feel trapped and stuck ... i don't have time for a band because of school, and i can't randomly travel because of chris...and so on...it just really sucks....
hey, remember when i said this? (6.21.2003 post, if the link won't work for you) well, only now am i actually starting to notice that i really am missing a lot of songs! all my depeche mode, smiths, soft cell, radiohead, zao, and who knows what else are completely gone ... like there isn't even one ZAO song on my whole computer!! luckily chris recorded ZAO onto a CD before all the songs disappeared off my computer, but i can't say the same for any of the others....i don't get it...?? how can files just disappear off a computer?? anyone know? *cries* give me back my MP3's, you mean, evil computer!!!!
a comment on that old post from Esh had said: "what????? half of your web designs and 3000 MP3s? if i were you i would have been DEAD!!!! or would have cried buckets!"
hey, well, i'm a little blonde, it took me 6 months for it to sink in!!! NOW i'm finally upset! at the time i was listening to modest mouse and blonde redhead so so much that i really didn't even notice what music i was missing....nobody told me it was good music that was gone!!! (oh and the loss of the webdesigns were no big deal because i just downloaded them back onto my computer from the internet, just like you guys do! hehe)
the best thing ever is finding a random piece of junkmail in your inbox, because it means that it's just one less email you have to answer! yeah, so here i am again, still behind in emails ... i'm down to 89 that i need to return...but of course, people that i actually know always get emailed back right away ... like tiffany :) she got two emails today...but that's different ... writing to people i know isn't difficult at all ... it's those long emails from the people i don't know [that require me to actually *think*!!] that are hard...and emails from relatives and mothers and things are hard to write back to also...
skip this post and read the others instead ....by thursday i need to: write a 5 page paper, read 150 pages plus 114 pages plus 50 pages and who knows what else. HELP!?!? and i have a philosophy midterm in two weeks and a paper due for that class soon and a revised scenario for my playwriting class due.... why does my homework NEVER go away?!?!
"friends" are people that care about you as much as you [should] care about yourself...which is why i usually don't use the word "friend" often, or when i do, it's like in quotes or something, because let's face it, most americans are far too selfish to be real friends....but yeah, i've realized that just because some people are so selfish, doesn't mean that i shouldn't care about them anyway....so i've made a new "friends" page for my site...i probably could put a few more people on it (i need to get pictures of a few people...), or take off a few, but oh well... each of the people on it are friends in a different way ... a few i hang out with a lot, a few i haven't seen in years and years (but still talk to sometimes), a few i only hang out with occasionally, one is a close internet friend, and so on...
what could be more perfect than this? girl that loves clubs is going to be a model for some club flyers. so i got a call from hollywood ray tonight, and he wanted to know if i'd model for some club safari flyers ... how exciting ... that was once my favorite club ... he said that they are starting to use girls they know (or sorta know, in my case) on flyers instead of just random pictures of random girls ... i think this is the first thing that i've actually *wanted* to model for ... oh, i mean besides the candian punk rock band ... : ) which i still need to take pictures for ... sorry i'm so slow Jeremy...it's just that taking pictures means i have to actually brush my hair! and i'm too busy and depressed for that!
cameras really frusterate me. and not for the reason you think they do... there's the usual situation of me looking bad in pictures, but i've always thought "oh that's just me" ...like me not liking the picture because it's me type thing ... but that's not what i'm talking about ... i'm starting to think that it's not a me thing, it's something with the camera itself... i have at least 2 beautiful friends and whenever i take pictures of them, or someone else does, they never look as good!! and it really frusterates me! the camera just will not capture their beauty! it's like i'll be looking at them, and they are just radiating with beauty and then i look at the picture that's supposed to be them, and it just does not look like them! the camera adds weight, takes away color, and so on ... and i just hope that these people don't look at their own pictures and think 'this is what i look like' ... because they are just sooooooooooo much more beautiful than what the pictures have badly captured....
chris b. from virgina is really such a wonderful person .... there have been times when i've written here: "someone remind me to do my homework" or so ... and it's always been chris that has IM'd me and reminded me....he's always so sweet and thinking of other people and their feelings all the time ... and he always makes sure to remember people's birthdays too (not mine yet though...i've only known him like 7 months or so) and when he says he's going to do something, he always has... and he's so understanding and so real and funny and sweet .... all you virgina girls should go fight over him!!
i made myself something for once... seems like i'm always slaving away to make something for someone else and i was about to do the same again tonight ...but i changed my mind after about 20 minutes of working on it ...(so it ended up half boy-ish, half-girlish looking, which looks really cute....) i made a collage-jewelry box [out of a magazine, messy glue that wrinkled all the cut outs, and an old stationary box]...i think this is the first collage i've made in like 4 years...hehe...i did the best i could with only one old empty magizine.
"Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better Only the one that inflicts pain can take it away" madonna - eroctica lyrics (totally different context though ... lol)
i try sohard and everything just continues to fall apart. i hate life. i hate this world. can i leave now? i hate people. they are all stupid and selfish and dumb and mean and evil and some of them violent on top of everything else. and even i am learning how to be selfish... there is no hope. and there's no where to run to. there is nothing. nothing at all.
here's the fairy that i just finished drawing for marcy: click here. i love you marcy : ) come over and get your fairy if you're not too tired...i'm sorry i didn't hang out with you in santa monica today...i probably should have, i wouldn't have had a much better day...i swear this day could not get any worse {update: it just did get worse ...haha} ... so when are we jumping off tioga hall? actually, i was thinking poison would be better... lol [i'm kidding children, inside joke, don't freak out]
well, i was going to keep this a secret until i was done writing my 30 page play, but i'm in a "feel sorry for me" mood, so here you go, the idea/plot/outline for my play: playwriting 101 draft ...all the scenes in the play are 99% based on fact, (a little out of order at times), except for the interaction with the character faith: that's fictional to appease the stupid teacher with an actual plot or story... but the girls i encountered were all like faith...the boys too ... wow, was that ever hell ... ok, you don't have to leave any comments, just *feel sorry for me* on your own. lol...
ANOTHER SONG!!! yes, that's 2 in less than 24 hours..... i spent 4 hours trying to record this one right...i usually take less than 45 minutes to record things ... about 4-8 recordings or so ...but i wanted this one to be a bit better.... but the more i recorded, the worse it got, and i didn't have a complete version ...but then it finally started getting better...i have about 5 versions that i halfway like, but don't know which one to choose...they all are slightly different... i haven't had any sleep, so here's my newest song and goodnight....oh yeah and yet again it's based on the poem below.... download/listen to "she always laughs, at the most horrible things" [wav] ..... view lyrics
smile torn in two sweetened pain she always laughs at the most horrible things knife in her heart she's smiling again drowning inside
going numb on the outside ripped all apart on the in holding back the tears feeling pain she says it's better than not feeling at all some form of being alive
she's kissing tears murder one for one but she's become murdered too stupidity at it's best insanity again she'd trade her entire life for the most worthless things.
i'm finally oraganizing all the music i have on my computer into a few folders: "good music" (from blonde redhead to miss kittin and so on) "mainstream music" (everything from white stripes to deftones) "rave stuff" (ATB to scooter) "punk and ska" (nofx and guttermouth to madness) "emo/pop punk stuff" (dashboard, the used, at the drive in, etc) and "UGLY chris music" (slaves on dope to 3 days grace) ...yeah, so hopefully it will be a little easier to find music i'm looking for...gary numan won't get lost anymore! lol except i think the mainstream folder should be divided up a little more ... it's kinda random to have 'hot hot heat' in the same folder with 'system of a down' ... but maybe i'll throw 'hot hot heat' into the good music folder ... oh and i don't care how many people like her music, most of Ani Defranco is going to get deleted off my computer ... i don't like her.
update: this is too hard! where do i put portishead? and rasputina? and vast? and what about the rolling stones? and nirvana? where am i supposed to put my chemical romance? emo/pop punk? or am i wrong? ahhhhhh! and what is dead poetic? someone help?!?!
and eww ewwwww! who put two good charlotte songs on my computer?!?! ewwww!
marcy is sooooo super sweet! she brought me some food and a cd ("mix tape" lol) tonight. : ) we hung out for a bit ...but then she had to leave ... so sad ... i miss my marcy!! marcy is the only person allowed in my house when it's a mess... lol ...as soon as my mom leaves, my house can go back to being prettyful and clean and then i can finally have people over again...
the best 21 and over club so far.... i snuck into VV with jason last night...anyways so the door guy stops us as we are trying to go in and is like "ID's..." and Jason tells him that we don't have ID's, that we come here all the time, so we didn't bring them or something like that (thank god i didn't have to talk!!) and the guy told us that we needed to get someone from inside to verify that, and so J gave him his keys (for collateral) and we got Trevor to talk to the outside door guy and at last we were in. this club had a smaller dance floor than the others, but it also had a stage part to dance on and the music was really good... i had lots of fun...this is definately my favorite SD club so far, and by the looks of SD, i don't think it's possible to get better than this...so it will probably stay my favorite until it dies like electroluxe...anyway, i met more of Jason's friends or acquaintances or whatever they should be called, and when jason was neglecting me, i danced with linda, trevor, a guy named rob, and some guy that tried to ask me to dinner.... i also kissed a girl for a picture - i guess it was for her 21st birthday or something...the boys she was with had dared her to ask me if i'd kiss her for a picture...i hate having pictures of me on other people's cameras- they always look so terrible and i don't get to throw them away! lol oh well, i guess it's time for me to learn to like ugly pictures...
what's better than an unfinished draft of a poem? yet another unfinished draft of a song, of course! chris recorded some random guitar today that wasn't too bad, so i stole it and made part of a song with it: click here to download or listen to "coffee like there's time to waste" [wav] the lyrics are basically just parts from the poem below, but if you want to know exactley what the words are, click here.
today i was hitting my friend dylan with my star wand at school (yes, i'm 5. i brought a wand to school. i go to kindergarden!) and then i was on my way to my next class and this guy was like "hey! do you have a website?" and i was like "yeah..." and he was like "you're maystar!" and we each said like another sentence, his name is john (look! i remembered something for once!! lol) and then i had to run off to class before i was late...it sucks i wanted to like say something to him (i have no idea what) but i had to leave!
after too much homework, one hour of sleep, and being at school for entirely waaaay too long, i went to lulu's for coffee and guess who i saw!? the owner/dancer girl : ) [i can't remember her name. i tried really hard to remember it with no luck. i have had zenaida sound it out for me so that i could say it perfectly...but i still forgot] anyways, she loves me so she gave me (free) chocolate ...wee! They are having an art show with a DJ there on the first thursday of feb. ( i think that was the date) and they are dancing some upcoming friday...Zenaida and Marcy and I will have to go!!! especially to the art show! i haven't been to one of those in so long... the last one i went to was with my old roomate veronica...so that was at least a year ago...where has all my time gone?!?! i need to get out more!
i still don't understand how i ever got into webdesign. i look at things i've made in awe almost. (i'm talking about code.) i've always been sooooooooooo anti-computers. [unless bored to death and stuck at someone's house] a few years ago you could have bet your life and even your soul that i was never ever going to touch html or any kind of code!! ...and now here i am...and it's just so strange... if it wasn't for people giving me a computer, and ucsd and then my aunt paying for the internet, i wouldn't have ever gotten in to all this. and i've always said that i will never pay for anything internet related, but i'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, i'll keep the internet around when my aunt stops paying for it...
I'm excited about the 30 page play that i'm just barely starting to work on!!
ME? excited?? i don't get excited about anything.... and excited about homework??? what is wrong with me lately?!?!?!?! i'm broken!! i've even been eating things i used to hate lately... did someone screw with my head?! lol ...it's so strange to watch yourself change.
be yourself. be you. like what you want to like, say what you want to say, do what you really like to do. it's your life. never pretend to like something just to fit in. if you are 100% yourself and people don't like you, then there's something wrong with those people and not you. (most likely they are insecure...believe it or not.)
here's an old poem i wrote:
Feb. 2, 2002 the lost
creativity dies with age we all slowly decay our dreams fade we try to fit in conform to the cowards' reality it’s not okay to be original or look what they call weird if you're not like them you are not good enough we tell ourselves these lies and try to have fun their way we lose ourselves over time forget who we really are never realize that we are lost until it is too late scared to be ourselves to show our true colors we never realize that we are so much better than what we give ourselves credit for we never search within and love ourselves for who we are inside always try to be something else follow the leader the one that looks strong with the appearance of success get the mean people on our side to be safe from their harsh words we never realize that it is those mean people who are the losers the ones that are deeply insecure criticize to make themselves feel better put others down to elevate themselves we all follow blindly as they tell us just how cool they are how classy, how social what they did last night last weekend have to show off too insecure to shut up don’t want people to think they are losers oh no, they must prove it to the world that they are not but we never notice who they really are we believe their in their false confidence and try to live by their rules as we kill our own souls along with our happiness we no longer do what we love only that which is cool pretend so much that we lose our imagination are you truly happy? the coward’s way false compliments and lies hold your breath put on a smile and live in your superficial world.
written for Kristine Spencer and the rest of the world. Kristine was my old roomate...she was once telling me how she hated going to all the parties and that they were so boring and dumb and that she really wanted to go roller-skating instead! yet she kept going to parties anyway...so this poorly written poem was inspired by that, and many other things.
why is it that my spelling gets WORSE as i get older?? i used to be sooooo good at spelling...and now, it's like "how is that spelled?!?!" and so i just put down some random letters that are just sorta right, and i don't care that it's not right ... i'm like "oh well, if the other person gets it, that's all that matters!" ... i really don't even try to get it right anymore ... i just gave up...
wait no, i do have something to say... do you know how much i would *love* to have some time for myself?!?!?!.....time to finish typing up all my poems, time to organize everything that i've been ignoring, time to just sit and dream and listen to music for hours, to paint, to draw, to play with makeup, to write more, to just do whatever i wanted to do....?
well, as long as school exists, it's never going to happen. i will always constantly have homework hanging over my head... i swear i live under (in?) constant stress!!!! i don't have any time for *me* ..it's just really not possible....stupid school!!!! i haven't had any time for myself in like 5 years...just like i haven't had any time for tv in 5 years....
i have nothing to say. (yeah i know, I'M BROKEN!!!!) so have some random song lyrics:
"Come dancing, All her boyfriends used to come and call. Why not come dancing, it's only natural.
Another Saturday, another date. She would be ready but she'd always make them wait. In the hallway, in anticipation, He didn't know the night would end up in frustration. He'd end up blowing all his wages for the week All for a cuddle and a peck on the cheek. "
exactley 9 years ago today, i was taken away from my mom...things have never gone back to normal...and i've never been the same. everything has just gone to pieces. i am so broken inside.
i've felt empty all day...
i wrote this back then, when i was 11 or 12:
No Happiness
what is there to smile about? i’m never happy, i have no reason to be why can’t anyone see my pain and sorrow? they just take one look and say i’m fine why can’t they see that the trouble is inside of me? what is there to smile about? what’s the reason to live? i’ve never been happy. how could i be? in this world you don’t smile cuz you’re happy you just put on a fake smile and everyone thinks you’re happy but fake smiles are only lies in disguise so why smile? why can’t we just be normal? why do we have to look our best? i don’t understand, where’s the fun in life? what is there to smile about? tomorrow’s just another day with no fun and happiness what makes people happy? why do people smile? why are we even living? what is there in life to be happy about? why should i smile if i’m not happy? where did all my happiness go? what happened to my life? why can’t i be happy? why should smile if there’s no happiness no happiness.
wow.... "why are we even living?" ...questioning the meaning of life even at only age 11 or 12!... but age 12 is so vivid in my mind. i was not young then. i was old. i've always been old. i remember feeling 104 years old when i was only 7 ... then, and as far back as i can remember, i've always had the same ideas and thoughts ... never was i "la la la la i'm a happy little child" ...maybe when i was 5, but i really don't think so...i remember a few thoughts from back then... but at least when i was 5 i was happy at times.
and here's a poem from early 1998, i was 15 years old:
Pain
Emotional pain Yelling, screaming, crying out in pain They took away all that I loved Not material things People Family, friends, my one true love Gone. Everything is gone. Nothing. No one Emptiness, silence Nothing but pain Endless pain, worse than a thousand knives Yelling, screaming, crying, longing to die A painless death Fearing there may be more pain after death Longing to get away from this pain Locked inside a tragic life Trapped with a destiny Of years of pain. Drowning in self pity Wishing someone could understand my pain Feel my pain, Know my pain But not pretend to feel sorry for what they don’t see Pain so awful that others can’t see it, Can’t even begin to understand; Not without knowing it. Pain; ripping and tearing away at my soul Killing my faith in what I have known Tears burn my eyes and sting my face More pain. Lost in my own little world, Hiding from the pain. As I open my eyes, the pain comes back as reality Much worse, as it slaps me in the face Wakes me up From my false world of comfort Realizing I have nothing, Nothing No one to hug No one to love No one to hold me and tell me it’s okay No shoulder to cry on No one to kiss my tears away No one at all Nothing but silence Emptiness And the immense pain Torturing me Slowly killing me Killing my soul My heart My love My trust And all I have left is the pain. Beautiful pain.
how is it that i am still alive? WHY am i still alive? oh yeah, that's right, because i'm dumb and i thought it would be fun to keep living and living and living and suffering through this pointless meaningless life....
i hate the way girls and women are so... what's the word?....sneaky and manipulative and deceiving ...you know what i mean? that certain quality... i can't describe it exactley, but if you're a girl, i'm sure you've seen it in other girls... it seems as though 90% of girls/women are like that. which is why i've always been friends with boys and not girls, for the most part. girls are like secretly evil sometimes....
marcy and i seem to share the same hate for human beings: "i hate boys" says marcy. "i hate girls too!" she finishes. ...me: "that means you hate everyone...i'm like that too....only first i hate girls, and then i realize that i hate boys too ..." people just suck. they really do. selfish horrible creatures. all of them. but i'm sure marcy doesn't hate them as much i as i do...
so children, i'm at the library at school trying to study....does this look like studying to you?! it's hopeless...and last night i went to study with marcy and spent the night at her house and wasn't able to study until she went to sleep...she kept trying to suck me into the beautiful play she's writing! BUT i did read about 50 pages, which is more than i've read all quarter! unfortunately, i read the play that i have to write a 5 page paper on, instead of reading for philosophy...and i ended up having a quiz in that class today! i pretty much failed (6/10) ...but i don't feel too bad because everyone else (you know, those people that actually did read) got like 5/10 and 6/10 also .... if i had read, i might just be extremely mad... that always happens to me ... i used to read for like 17 hours and then still get like 68%-78% on my physics quizzes....possibly because the person who wrote our tests could not speak english!!
where's may? find out ...yeah so i'm trying this idea again ... so that people like tiffany won't yell at me ;) i've had this thing since last june and it sucked so i didn't use it for more than one second...i abandoned my account for awhile...it still sucks, but oh well. (some of their code is outdated so it doesn't work perfectly and easily like it should) i emailed them and told them to fix it...we'll see what happens... but yeah, so i'd love to adorn my schedule with "dancing in hollywood" on every thursday, friday, saturday [or sat.] and sunday of each week....but all my friends are dumb and no one ever wants to go, or they are busy, or something, something, something, so i won't even bother...i'm sick of asking people to do things, they always say 'no' or 'someday'...so i'll just go along where ever they want to go instead...yeah so if you want to make plans with me, tell me where we are going and when, and then i'll stick in there and no one else can have me for that time... oh but if you even dare think of standing me up, it's death!!!! off with your head! hey tiff, look at the month of april... ;)
despite the absolute horridness of the appearance of their website (faints), these things taste soooooooooo good! at least the *watermelon* ones do. lately i've been wasting a dollar everytime i go to henry's and buying one...i really need to go to henry's more often!! chris went shopping today and didn't get me one! can you believe that?!?! lo.l that's the last time he goes shopping alone! hahaha ....
see? this is my best attempt at doing homework!!! i was in the bath trying to read a play and then i start thinking about a website and song lyrics and then i'm thinking about sabbat for a second and that turns into something else and something else and then i end up thinking about a rave song and then i put it on and wonder if i should make marcy a rave cd and then i'm thinking that maybe it would be fun to go to a rave again and then i'm imagining how my friends would look in raver outfits and then i'm thinking that the music and people there suck now a day so i probably don't really want to go... and then all of a sudden i remember that i wanted to look up this website...so after 10 minutes i remembered the url and then here i am, writing here, and still not going homework. can someone please make me stop THINKING?!?!?! i can't do homework because i can't stop thinking about anything and everything!!! at least i haven't drifted back to the meaning of life thoughts and things...yet...that's always disaster!
yeah, so does anyone have any ideas of how i can get all these thoughts out of my head so that i can focus on this stupid homework?!? i want to get it done. i just can't! HELP!
i'm SO BEHIND in homework!!! don't IM me till thursday, don't call me till thursday, don't let me write anything here till thursday, and so on... because i don't want to do my dumb, stupid, boring homwork and all you people are just temptation! and i won't be able to resist! (go leave comments all over my blog instead! lol) yeah, i know "good luck!!!" ... and that it's never going to happen, i'm going to end up writing things here, and talking to my friends, and checking my email 16,000 times a day, oh and the worst thing, listening to music and drowning in it, instead of allowing it to blend into the background....but i really wish i could just focus and do my stupid homework and get it done!! i have to read 400 pages of stuff and i have a 4 page thing due on thursday - the outline/plot for the 30 page play i have to write, so if anyone wants to help me with this and also writing my play, let me know!!!! help me! i need help! (i think) .... last quarter chris b. helped me with my 15 page play...if it wasn't for him, i would have been stuck staring at a blank screen forever because i was sooooo not inspired at the time.....
shadow creatures.... so i'm not sure if i believe what i'm about to tell you, but chris was downloading music that was by the head of the satanist church, anton someone or other ... and i wasn't really comfortable with that ...i was like "hey maybe that's not good to listen to, cuz scary spirits will eat us!" ...but then i was like ok, whatever. then chris tells me this morning "um, i saw this black shadow thing moving around..." and so on ...i guess i was right in the same room, but he didn't show me because he didn't want to freak me out. so then i'm like "ok....maybe he's crazy" ...and decided not to be freaked out. so then just now, my mom was like mad that chris had satinist music on the computer and then she was telling me about this shadow thing that was in the house...she also said she heard footsteps a few times ... she thinks it's a ghost....
...so great, does this mean that there is some evil spirit in my house now?!!?! i can either believe it and be too terrified to take a shower by myself, or i can say that my mom and chris are both crazy until i see it for myself... and guess what evil shadow creature, if i see you, i'm going to start believing in God for 100% sure! lol so you better not let me see you, if you know what's best for you! LOL !!
waiting ...waiting.... waiting.... the worst thing about waiting for someone is that i can't accomplish anything while i'm waiting, something must be wrong with me!! "waiting" has become, or has always been like a whole seperate activity... i just can't focus on anything else while waiting for someone! like i can't do homework/read/anything important...i can do things like get over-ready to go out, and talk on aim...but that's about it...
today i was waiting forever for marcy (but she called like 8 times, so it was okay), but it caused me to get absolutely nothing done the whole day, and this was supposed to be a homework day...i didn't even have time to see her in the first place...i was trying to be nice and make time for her anyway.... but it seems to result only in MORE STRESS!! i just lost another WHOLE day and i am SO far behind in homework!! i'm going to die!! i hate school! it wants to eat up my social life again!! i refuse to let it win this quarter!! lol
it's a luscious mix of words and tricks that let us bet when you know we should fold on rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped and of the whole mess of roads we're now on. the shins - caring is creepy
woke up all alone the darkness caressing my skin emptiness eating at my soul no one was alive but me the room so deathly cold.
memories of you but there's no one here to care music wrapping around my heart like barbed wire ribbon pricking me a thousand times.
the day is long gone darkness has consumed the light i'm falling behind time is rushing by me but my world stands still.
lonliness is embracing me again music kissing me softly i'm giving in; feeling what is real slowly bleeding to death all alone on this cold lonely night.
no more "ummm...i forgot my purse..." ! tonight ('last night' i mean) i got into another 21+ club!!!!! (transport?) weee! i got to just walk past the door guy....he didn't ask me for my ID ...thank god! the last thing in the world i wanted to do was say that i forgot my purse/id again ...i'm sooooooooo bad at lying! ...anyways it was pretty cool - but again, sooooooo different than what i'm used to ...it's like a bar/club, while the ones i usually go to are just clubs..yeah they have a bar, but no one drinks really...so i'm not too sure if i like this new 21+ atmosphere or not yet, but the music was good ... they even played 'the postal service' for some reason!!! yeah, so jason and i had fun dancing ...except for that i felt too nervous to really dance right...must be all those scary old people! lol ...i'm not really sure why i was nervous...i guess it's just the mood i'm in lately...it really sucks... also, i wasn't really dressed right...i didn't have time to get dressed so i was stuck in what i wore to dinner with my mom and chris - [some punk-type pants and a black top with platform flip flops]...it didn't feel like we got to dance long enough either! after that we went to shiloh's and watched random 80's music videos and had drinks with him and B. and then i return home to chris being awake and on my computer trying to figure out where i was "really" going tonight...he is so silly....he did manage to find an AIM convo that i had saved saying that i was supposed to go dancing with "Tri" last night ...pretty good. but i didn't end up going with him (obviously) ...i'm not quite in the mood to meet anymore random people lately. i have enough friends already, more than i can handle!!....(yeah 3 friends + a boyfriend + acquaintances = way too many!!) ...marcy wanted to hang out last night too, but i couldn't be with her because i already had double plans....
yay! someone else thinks like me! saw this in a comment on Marcy's blog: "Life IS meaningless--the defination of "Existentialism". Once you accept this you can carry on doing feeble tasks and just try to find some happiness in spite of it."
I can't seem to accept that life is meaningless though. i only realize that it is pointless. Can't accept it or understand it...this paralyzes me sometimes....makes me unable to do homework...or anything at all. why try to be an actress, why try to be in a band, why do anything, when IT IS POINTLESS?!?!?! i often think "hey i could start up my clothing company...i could do that...i could try really hard and make it work, make money, etc" and then i think: "but why?!" "WHY try so hard to do something and put energy into something if it is pointless? if life is pointless. if i'm just just going to DIE in the end...then WHY try to do anything...?" ...yeah i know, not this topic again...but i won't be happy until someone can give me a perfect reason of why i should live...why i should try...why i should get out of bed at all....
i'll shut up now....this will only go in circles forever...i wish i didn't think this way...
crying is beautiful because it means that you can (still) feel. and feeling is the best part of being human. too many people these days are stone cold and un-human.
at times, only sometimes, i can't feel anything and it's horrible ...even when i try to feel, there's just nothing....it is the worst thing in the world...haven't felt that way for awhile, but it's terrible when you so badly want to care, want to love, and you just can't, you can't feel anything at all.... emotionally numb...you go through the motions of caring and loving but you really are just 'there' and not involved emotionally at all...anyone else ever feel like this before? i got like this from foster homes and who knows what else...
i invest a lot of time and energy into friendships ... not to mention love. i don't believe that it is possible to have more than a few friends at a time...why? because there isn't enough time in the world to care about and be there for any more than a few people at a time...and if you aren't there for your friends when they need you then you aren't really a friend!!!!!!! you are an acquaintance. and/or selfish. a friendship should be deep and wondeful...you should care about the person and their feelings and their life and all sorts of things...
there's still hope for cafe lulu!!! tonight i went with zenaida to cafe lulu and we watched her friend and two other girls belly dance and they also had fire which was kinda neat...they didn't get burned while putting flames against their skin and in their mouths...anyway their costumes were really neat...not elaborate, not like zenaida's costumes, but like dark and rougher and gypsy-like...it made me want to go dye my hair black! they were so beautiful! anyways, zenaida knows the girl who now owns the place, who was also one of the dancers, and she gave us free drinks - some kind of wine, and you know me, i don't remember the name of it, as with everything else....anyways we were talking to her about the plans for the coffee shop - she had already added lots of plants and brought back the candles and some other things, (and tonight it was packed for the first time in years!) and she's going to be getting DJ's and making a spot for them way up and high ...and more dancers and curtains and just so many things...i suggested that she should put the waitresses in costumes -similar to the belly dancers and so she's going to do something like that... it's all just really exciting ...this place was totally dead and now it's going to be the best coffee shop ever... does your coffee shop have a dj ? lol ...she also wants to make some kind of after hours thing in there too... it doesn't seem like there's enough room in there, but oh well...oh and tonight it was open till 2:30am!! I guess from now on fridays and saturdays are going to be like that - no more boring 1am...
new music and stuff I was thinking about it, and all the music that i listen to i've found completely on my own...the boys helped me find afi and guttermouth and everything like that back in 8th grade, but other than that, i've had to do it all on my own...i had no friends to influence me or show me new bands and music...! [except for some random rave music, but even then i found most of it myself] how sad and terrible! i had to find the cure on my own, and joy divison, the smiths, berlin, the specials, madness, pj harvey, portishead, pretty girls make graves, blonde redhead, hot hot heat (before they went mainstream), no knife, air, soft cell, miss kittin, felix da housecat, chicks on speed, le tigre, peaches, ave. d, the lovemakers, etc, etc, even ladytron!!....just everything! it's not fair! how come i had to find all my own music!?! [actually chris's old friends did tell me about modest mouse years ago, but that's it.] ....everyone else seems to have people they talk about music with... thanks to marcy i finally heard the postal service after hearing their name forever...! it's about time! i guess i should have just downloaded them along time ago..but how was i supposed to know they played pretty music?! there are always so many bands to download and it gets to be too many...but yeah, now i'm just going to steal all the pretty music jason knows about...heheheh...that's soooo much easier than finding it all by myself! and maybe marcy will have a few more songs i haven't heard somewhere too....
hahahaha pretendtobreathe: okay my mom is SO random .... pretendtobreathe: My mom's definition of Dismayed: One that has had their May taken away from them. (she laughs) pretendtobreathe: she randomly said that out of nowhere suddenly lol JPEG76: I need to get dismayed so I can get some work done this weekend! pretendtobreathe: hahahaha!
where oh where has the sound on my computer gone?!?!?! it's just gone! no, the speakers are not unplugged, yes i've checked the mute button thing...see what happens when stupid other people use your computer?! someone help?! i'm out of ideas!
i feel like i can't write anything, say anything, do anything, be myself anymore, even breathe without chris trying to accuse me of flirting, of cheating, of something... the more he's like this, the more he makes himself into the enemy...the more i feel like i have to hide everything when it's nothing...like J and i had this whole joke about vegas and getting married [what, you think my play ideas come from thin air?! not quite...] ....and it's like, of course, chris thinks that's 'flirting' AND IT SO WASN'T!! ...what chris, am i not allowed to LAUGH?! is laughing flirting? am i not allowed to help make up elaborate stories that aren't true? it's not flirting! [and am i not allowed to have fun?!! am i supposed to be miserable like you and NEVER EVER go out?!] god. and with any hint of a guy liking me in ANY way, he goes ballistic [is that the right word?...]....when a guy says "tell chris i said that is lucky to have you" ...and i do, chris gets mad... when the mexicans whistle at me in mexico, chris gets so mad he could kill.... i'm really sick of this! i mean, i'm a very jealous person too, [jealous = feel hurt], but i know when to stop....um except for writing hate emails to the girl he cheated on me with 2 years ago...[oh, you thought our relationship was perfect did you? you have no idea. we have both murdered each other's souls...the real life people know this]...anyways, i just feel so terrible this way...i feel like i can't be open with chris anymore...i'm scared he's going to think i like someone, i'm scared that's he's going to accuse me of flirting, i'm even too scared to have fun.... like today when i was out with Jason, i wanted to hang around longer...go get some food or whatever, but then it's like "oh no! i have to go home right now or else chris will think i'm cheating on him, chris will think i spent the night at someone's house *gasp*" and so on....it's this constant feeling of almost fear...and it's making me hate chris...like he's the parent i'm trying to escape...and i'm the kid hanging out with friends for too long....
i NEED to be a kid, i NEED to be free, i NEED to be able to do what i want without being questioned by the police! like if i DO want to stay out all night or spend the night somewhere i want to be "allowed" to...even if it's with "a boy" friend....i want to be able to just not come home if i don't feel like it...if i'm having fun...i want to be able to get home at 8am without being harassed....i want to experiance LIFE....i want to be random....i'm sick of worrying about the future...i want to live with just a "NOW" ...i want to go and see everything and learn about everything and everyone. i need to be my own person ....i've always been a very independent person...i can't stand feeling so confined...
and i hate how chris hates dancing and is always too tired to dance. and i hate how chris will think i'm cheating on him if i hang out with Jason too much [Jason goes dancing and has fun like almost every night...i want to go with him!] and just everything sucks....
update: no, no, people, you missed the point. (in the comments...) I WANT FRIENDS, i don't want a new relationship. i don't want to be confined by someone else! i don't want another guy. you are thinking like chris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want my boyfriend to quit being jealous over nothing! you are no help! I want to be able to have GUY FRIENDS without my BOYFRIEND freaking out. that's all. it's that simple. i don't want another relationship, i'm not old enough to be in any relationship as it is. i want to HAVE FUN and MAKE FRIENDS and STAY WITH CHRIS. and I WANT chris to go back to being who he used to be....oh and wait, you missed something else!! i'm only saying how i FEEL at the moment!... this is not all there is to chris! chris is also wonderful and sweet....
OH! AND ME?! SELFISH?! NO!!!! DO NOT FUCKING PUT ME IN THAT CATEGORY WITH THOSE OTHER GIRLS! I have sacrificed SO MUCH for chris! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! i have become NOTHING for chris. I have done SO much for him that i am DEAD. i'm unable to do anything nice for anyone anymore. i have given so much that i have nothing left to give! Here i am a theatre major, and have not been in a play since age 16, WHY? for chris. and the list goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on until there is nothing left of me at all! And he's done a lot for me too... we suffer for each other...to love each other ... and maybe it was a bad idea to say anything here because no one seems to understand me at all....you guys don't have the background info you need...
and i'm not trying to attack chris. not at all. this is not a fight. this is me venting. this is me thinking. i'm just saying how i feel. he was like "why don't you ever write about me" ... so that is what i did. and he really does not care what a bunch of internet people think about him... MEOW! lol
tonight i had a lot of fun...i saw marcy and jason...i'll spear you the details [there were WAY too many last time i went dancing! i bet no one even could stand to read that post! lol]...and i'm sure you could care less about how we wandered around the mall and so on.... i love my beautiful friends who i know nothing about...they are so wonderful...[especially marcy, sorry jason, she takes me on better dates!] i wish i knew more about them, but it seems that the more i try to get to know them, the less i know...i know that marcy like faries and creativity...i know that jason likes a really beautiful song that i can't remember the name of [tell me the name jason! i want that song!], and i know all this random stuff like about sorority girl paddles and that there's this important-ish guy staying at a hotel somewhere, i know that ima robot is playing a free show, i know that marcy has pink curtains in her childhood room, and that she likes to shake her salads in the plastic box with salad dressing, and so on....but do i know anything really about them? no. i can look into their eyes and see pain and see guilt and see all these different thoughts....but i haven't quite learned to read minds yet, so...i'm stuck with just sensing something and never knowing...and sometimes stuck with wondering if i'm insane and there's nothing really there at all... haha...except sometimes i can get things out of marcy...but i still sense things from her that she won't tell me....she'll tell me half but not all...about what's she's really thinking...so if she's thinking: "i hate you may" she'll tell me something with some subtext...instead of saying it clearly and truthfully...i intend to keep these friends forever, if they'll let me, so they better open up!! well, at least marcy took me to her parent's house....that's a start, we are getting married soon! [sorry jason, you lost your chance to marry me...lol]
i made myself something for once... seems like i'm always slaving away to make something for someone else and i was about to do the same again tonight ...but i changed my mind after about 20 minutes of working on it ...(so it ended up half boy-ish, half-girlish looking, which looks really cute....) i made a collage-jewelry box [out of a magazine, messy glue that wrinkled all the cut outs, and an old stationary box]...i think this is the first collage i've made in like 4 years...hehe...i did the best i could with only one old empty magizine. 