Tiff is picking me up at 1am tonight to go to OC...i'll be back on something like sunday night....i'm so excited, i haven't seen tiffany for like 6 years!!! i hope this doesn't feel strange... and now time to sleep!!
tonight was quite interesting and i'm sorry to bore you guys with all these stupid stories you probably don't care about, but this is my journal ...anyways tonight i went to lulu's with marcy and kate and my coffee actually had enough vanilla in it for the first time in years (yes, years., or one year)...oh yeah and we also went into a porn shop (F street) and laughed and looked at all the silly things in it. i always find that stuff terrifying or distasteful and not funny, but yeah...it's nothing i haven't seen two million times before...this place was definitely the most tasteless place i've ever been in, but i still don't mind being taken to places that i don't like...it's fun to go anywhere when you are with good friends. after coffee, they dropped me off at home and then zenaida picked me up and we went to this "warehouse party" ... it was somewhere downtown, in this random orange building with a secret door...all downstairs was the party with a DJ and lots of people, and then upstairs (where only we were allowed to go, at first) was where two of the guys lived... it was really interesting ... there were curtains/flowy material instead of doors, and tons and tons of space. the furniture was an interesting mix of mod and vintage and all sorts of styles with the coolest abstract art on the walls, and a bar, and candles and there was a pole and a balcony that overlooked the dirty warehouse dancefloor, and there was a chair suspended from the ceiling (not a bubble chair though) and so on... i wanted to live there! it was like some old run down building, but at the same time they had made it super cool...anyways so the DJ left soon after we got there (yeah, we got there way too late) we hung out and talked, attempted to dance to the music they put on when the DJ left and the other special people were also allowed to come upstairs too...but no luck, the music was not what i wanted to dance to...i ended up being DJ for the rest of the night, and downloaded some halfway decent music for the people...and i was attacking a boy that liked radiohead and the cure for not liking modest mouse and the smiths and air and le tigre and just about everything else i put on ... and he tried to make me put on dave matthews!! i was about to murder him! how could anyone be that ignorant about music?!?! dave mattews band is the worst band in the entire world!! and how could someone not like modest mouse?!?! luckily, there was one intelligent person at the whole party, a 30 year old guy that lives in Mexico and works here. He was the only one that knew who ladytron was (come on people, you have to at least know that much! and no one has even heard of the word 'electroclash' either!!) and he knew all the depeche mode and portishead (etc, etc....) songs i was putting on, and we had this whole long conversation about music and mexico and things...and there was some kind of music i was supposed to look up, but as with everything else that has a specific name, i can't remember it. luckily he gave me his card, so maybe i'll email him and ask him. so while my girl friend made out with a guy all night, i was stuck on the computer! how exciting! may goes to a party and gets on the computer! god. lol ...but really, there was nothing better to do at that point. and i was totally being molested by all these creepy guys. everyone kept touching my back or my arm or something every time i walked by them or sat near them...including this older guy. ewwww. anyway, at one point i finally gave up with my music fight and sat near the boy with the lack of taste in music, (or did he sit next to me?) and after about 5 minutes he tries to kiss me!!! and i'm like "i can't do this, i have a boyfriend" and i kept trying to push him off me and finally i got up and tryed to walk away and he kept being really super persistent and grabbed my hand and took me downstairs and wanted me to sit on the couch with him, i stupidly did, thinking that he was NOT going to try anything else. and then he kept trying and trying to kiss me and trying to convince me that cheating was not wrong, and i escaped his grip (literally) and went and ate some tortilla chips and then walked up the stairs and left him in the cold. he was like "you're not really going to leave are you?" but i did. he of course followed me and tryed for 5 more minutes to kiss me, physically and by trying to convince me...he totally invaded my chair too...it's kinda funny, whatever chance he could have had to kiss me, he eventually totally ruined by being overly persistent when i was completely saying "no" harder than ever before. and the more he was desperately persistent, the easier it got to say "no." the emotion of "no" is very new and exciting for me...it's like some kind of power that i never knew existed. the only problem with the word "no" is that you have to say it 200 and 36 million times and it's still not effective. ... you have to have the (strong) emotion of "no' for it to actually work...yeah, but after that i was finally able to get to zenaida and we left at 6:22am ...
i'm sorry, it's all my fault, i've cursed you all... lol ... remember my post asking if you would die if you lost your cell phone? (with your numbers in it!) well, since then jason's phone has been stolen, cicely's phone has been stolen, jena lost her phone again, and matt's phone died and ate all his numbers. so once again children, if you have a cell phone, go write your numbers down on paper!!! now!! quickly! before it's too late! [the next post i write on this subject will be "guys, i lost my cell phone and i never wrote my numbers down...!" LOL]
being 21 is going to SUCK so i got into club 80's last night, my forth 21+ club, and it was just "eh" .... the music was a mixture of half good, and half bad... and i'm already sick of the venue after going to that one only twice. i mean, i can "deal" with it, the way i deal with being dragged to hop-hop clubs, but i'm just not in love. yeah, so the only thing that was good about that club was selena being there. she's so adorable and fun... ok, fine jason, you're fun too...i don't know about that adorable part though ... lol ... yeah, so anyways, after we got out of the club, and after we finished talking to people, we started to leave and these 2 guys start yelling stuff at us as we crossed the street .... like calling me "Paris" which is an insult coming from that type of person ...and then we yelled back "how original!" "how creative!" and then they tried to yell stuff at J too...but we were nice and didn't smash their faces in with my pink boots... hehehe ...it so felt like 4th grade...like viscious kids attacking us... it's like, "umm...i realize that you think you are super cool or something, but ummm, (you're not and) you are ADULTS! do you realize that?!?!" these guys were seriously like white trash grade school dropouts! lol. nevertheless, their words were still hurtful, at least to me. another reminder that i just don't fit in anywhere ... and having this color of blonde hair makes me the enemy of all different types of people...i just LOVE how people judge on appearences! the alternative type crowd thinks: "she's blonde so she's preppy, she doesn't belong with us" and then the preppy people think: "Like OH mY god! Her haIR is LiKe sUcH a tRasHy sHaDe oF bLonDe, sHe liKe sO doEs nOt bElonG wiTh us!" something like that at least...but i guess they are both right, i don't fit in with either side...but i wish they would all just accept me for me anyway...i don't WANT to be on either side... i don't want to have to play those games! on one side you spend all of your time trying to learn about every new underground band ever created, and if you don't know one of them, even if they've only been a band for 5 minutes, you LOSE. and on the other side, you have to spend $200 every few weeks to get your hair done (it doesn't look the same if you do it yourself!) and you have to get your nails done, and you have to get the right brands of clothes and the right look, and on and on and on and you just can't win! .... and i just think that both sides are too competitive and absolutley pathetic. this world is pathetic and i hate it here...
oh wait, but just a side note, i'm not completely miserable (for once!) i'm happy to have my beautiful friends, and they make life a little more bearable... what would i do without them?!?! and also, i felt like i fit in at Vice Versa...
kate is always crocheting (like knitting...) in class and today she was telling me how she needed to get more yarn/wool because she had all these half made blankets at home. she said that she no car and was stuck on campus alllllll the time, and so i was like "i so know how that feels! i'll take you! want to go after class?" and she was like shocked that someone offered to take her....she said that no one has ever done that kind of thing, or something ... it was so odd, i completely thought that Kate was the type of girl that either had a car or was taken care of by her friends (all the girls with cars seem to take care of their friends that don't, thank god, because otherwise they'd be stuck relying on guys, who always seem to want something in return...soooo many girls i know are completely dependent on their boyfriends and can't leave for that reason...), yeah, but anyways, turns out no one is taking care of kate! so me and marcy are going to adopt her as our friend : ) ...not like we have cars, but we have boys with cars ... hehe ...anyways, chris and i took kate to get her yarn stuff ... i don't mind taking an hour out of my day to help out someone else..hey, i've even driven random mexicans to work! i'll just see someone walking and see if they need a ride anywhere! lol ... it really doesn't bother me at all...i guess if i was in a hurry it might be different though, i don't know, ... but god, do i ever know how it feels to not have a car!!! being stuck on that horrible ucsd campus, NOTHING is worse than that! .... and when you are a girl, sometimes when you're walking down the street, like going to work, people whistle at you as they drive by, and you think: "HELLO?!?! don't whistle at me you idiot! offer me a ride!" lol once when i was about 17, i was walking to work and someone yelled something at me out of their car and i stopped them and made them give me a ride to work! teehee ...some boys in an orange bug....turns out they went to the same highschool as me....
thanks so so so much to ICDedPpl
for getting me 2 cure CD's off my wishlist thing! : ) Oh and also thanks to Kevin for a little donation earlier this week!
hey you guys! i've been up for like 30 hours! i need sleep! i'm at jason's house writing my 5 page paper that is due tomorrow. yay. fun. he was supposed to be helping me, but it turns out that "we's is are both stoopid"...so i'm really struggling, as usual...i've got like a page or so done, half of what i typed and half of what he typed.... but it is a lot easier to type things on J's computer (an ibook ... kinda like yours marcy!!) ... i seem to write a lot faster and it's easier to make up random stuff ....something about the softness of the keys.... i want an ibook too! no fair! but there are some things that i hate about ibooks, but we won't get into that now...back to my stupid paper...
so no matter who wins the election, we are guaranteed to have a stupid president. lovely america. but yeah, i only have like third hand information ... it's hard to form opinions on things without at least a little tv and radio....
never in my life did i think i would turn out to be the way i am now: completely ignoring any sort of influence from what they call "the media". i don't watch tv, i don't listen to the radio (i do in the car, but when was the last time i was in the car?!?!), i don't go see movies really, i don't read magizines, i don't read the newspaper ... i'm like 100% completely out of it. i listen to random bands i find on my own and the bands my friends feed me, i find my own clubs, and at this point i don't want to care about the outside world anymore. i was against war. no one cared. me caring did nothing. so fine, have wars, blow up america, i really don't care. we all need to die anyway. and i don't care about movie stars either. that is completely irrelevant to my life or anyone else's. i think it's stupid how star's lives are publicized. do americans not have lives? god. i purposley refuse to learn the names of any actors or actresses. if i'm not going to learn the names of the people that bag my groceries, why the hell am i going to bother to learn the names of people i don't know or care about? makes no sense to me.
when did i stop being political? did anyone notice? sometimes i try, but i just don't have any facts anymore. where did all my good teachers go?!?! no one is filling my head with anything to think about!! i don't like it! my beloved Cardoza is gone forever! i never thought i'd miss a teacher, but i do. he was the greatest teacher ever. almost everyone loved him, and the one's that didn't, deeply hated him for his wonderful ideas and opinions. he's the only teacher i ever bothered to meet with outside of class. he said he quit, but i think they must have paid him to quit or fired him for his ideas or something...something was just not right about all that...
so, " mAi daiSy x 17 " has one of my old half poems quoted in her AIM profile: "i feel my innocence
dying in your hands each day
and my hopeful mind
is begining to decay
again" and somehow, AMAZINGLY, i knew my own writing well enough to recognize that it was mine!! i wrote that soooooooo long ago ... a year and a half ago! see June 1, 2002 post wow, that's crazy ... i had no idea i could remember stuff like that... that's like the first poem thing i ever put in my blog, i think...
oh and yeah, i've already left her a comment about this, and we've talked on AIM for mintutes before any of this, but she keeps posting bits of poems of MINE in her blog and saying "New Poem" and not crediting me. that really makes me mad. i mean, for goodness sake, i even credit bands as famous and known as the cure and no doubt when i use their lyrics,... it makes it seem like you are trying to say that YOU wrote the poem if you don't credit it...especially when you say "new poem:"
hmmm....i guess maybe i was right all along, i should keep my poems/lyrics off this evil internet... you notice how there's not a "poems" page/link? that was oh so very intentional. stealing pictures and code and webdesigns are one thing, but stealing lyrics and words? that is just sooooo extra horrible. the worst way of pretending to be someone you're not. i get very defensive about these things...and i even know how to find out where people with AIM live ... hehehe *evil laugh*
i wonder which club mailing list that i'm on sent this link to me? bondage ball ... the 80's room in it looks a little interesting, and i saw VNV Nation live once at synthetic/peepshow, and they were really good, like "gothic rave music" ... but other than that, this club event thing looks a little boring to me. without perfect music, a club is nothing. (so really i'm just complaining that they are not playing much electro type stuff, except for like new order...)
it's interesting how i can switch from so strong and independent to so almost needy and helpless all by letting someone in to my emotions/whatever it's called...the stupidest part of it all is that i know this, and yet do nothing about it. i refuse to play games. i refuse to block emotions, and so on. i don't want to be cold. coldness hurts other people, which eventually makes them cold too. i don't want to kill other people just to protect myself.... that would be selfish.
find what's different (new) on this page. hint: it's not on any other page and it's blue. it could be a link....
so...who wants to go to synthetic with me on friday? i'm going to start dragging people by their hair!!! i am NOT joking!!! i haven't been to my own favorite club since november! no wonder i always want to die!!! ...i don't even get to live the way i want to! i'd drag poor chris along, but he hurt his ankle at work last week...he actually likes that club, or so he says...yeah, so who's coming with me? Marcy? Jason? Zen? Tiffany? Mia? Random stranger? i'm so sick of this game. it's really a waste of time to ask people to do anything...i swear i've spent like 50% of college trying to convince people to go dancing!! what is it with people never wanting to go dancing? and now it's never wanting to go to LA ... even when i have offered to pay for gas and to drive!!! *sigh* i guess everyone is just getting old and boring and un-fun... no one has any sense of adventure... (work reverse-psychology, work!! lol)
tied down, tied up...something... there are all these things i want to do that i will never be able to do because i'm tied down by school and by chris and who knows what else ... like i want to randomly travel all over the US ... go visit robbi in washington and chris b. in virgina and arek in new york and so on .... and i want to actually be in a band for longer than 2 days for once, and i want to go to london "to study" (yeah, but really to dance!), and on and on and on ... but i feel trapped and stuck ... i don't have time for a band because of school, and i can't randomly travel because of chris...and so on...it just really sucks....
hey, remember when i said this? (6.21.2003 post, if the link won't work for you) well, only now am i actually starting to notice that i really am missing a lot of songs! all my depeche mode, smiths, soft cell, radiohead, zao, and who knows what else are completely gone ... like there isn't even one ZAO song on my whole computer!! luckily chris recorded ZAO onto a CD before all the songs disappeared off my computer, but i can't say the same for any of the others....i don't get it...?? how can files just disappear off a computer?? anyone know? *cries* give me back my MP3's, you mean, evil computer!!!!
a comment on that old post from Esh had said: "what????? half of your web designs and 3000 MP3s? if i were you i would have been DEAD!!!! or would have cried buckets!"
hey, well, i'm a little blonde, it took me 6 months for it to sink in!!! NOW i'm finally upset! at the time i was listening to modest mouse and blonde redhead so so much that i really didn't even notice what music i was missing....nobody told me it was good music that was gone!!! (oh and the loss of the webdesigns were no big deal because i just downloaded them back onto my computer from the internet, just like you guys do! hehe)
the best thing ever is finding a random piece of junkmail in your inbox, because it means that it's just one less email you have to answer! yeah, so here i am again, still behind in emails ... i'm down to 89 that i need to return...but of course, people that i actually know always get emailed back right away ... like tiffany :) she got two emails today...but that's different ... writing to people i know isn't difficult at all ... it's those long emails from the people i don't know [that require me to actually *think*!!] that are hard...and emails from relatives and mothers and things are hard to write back to also...
skip this post and read the others instead ....by thursday i need to: write a 5 page paper, read 150 pages plus 114 pages plus 50 pages and who knows what else. HELP!?!? and i have a philosophy midterm in two weeks and a paper due for that class soon and a revised scenario for my playwriting class due.... why does my homework NEVER go away?!?!
"friends" are people that care about you as much as you [should] care about yourself...which is why i usually don't use the word "friend" often, or when i do, it's like in quotes or something, because let's face it, most americans are far too selfish to be real friends....but yeah, i've realized that just because some people are so selfish, doesn't mean that i shouldn't care about them anyway....so i've made a new "friends" page for my site...i probably could put a few more people on it (i need to get pictures of a few people...), or take off a few, but oh well... each of the people on it are friends in a different way ... a few i hang out with a lot, a few i haven't seen in years and years (but still talk to sometimes), a few i only hang out with occasionally, one is a close internet friend, and so on...
what could be more perfect than this? girl that loves clubs is going to be a model for some club flyers. so i got a call from hollywood ray tonight, and he wanted to know if i'd model for some club safari flyers ... how exciting ... that was once my favorite club ... he said that they are starting to use girls they know (or sorta know, in my case) on flyers instead of just random pictures of random girls ... i think this is the first thing that i've actually *wanted* to model for ... oh, i mean besides the candian punk rock band ... : ) which i still need to take pictures for ... sorry i'm so slow Jeremy...it's just that taking pictures means i have to actually brush my hair! and i'm too busy and depressed for that!
cameras really frusterate me. and not for the reason you think they do... there's the usual situation of me looking bad in pictures, but i've always thought "oh that's just me" ...like me not liking the picture because it's me type thing ... but that's not what i'm talking about ... i'm starting to think that it's not a me thing, it's something with the camera itself... i have at least 2 beautiful friends and whenever i take pictures of them, or someone else does, they never look as good!! and it really frusterates me! the camera just will not capture their beauty! it's like i'll be looking at them, and they are just radiating with beauty and then i look at the picture that's supposed to be them, and it just does not look like them! the camera adds weight, takes away color, and so on ... and i just hope that these people don't look at their own pictures and think 'this is what i look like' ... because they are just sooooooooooo much more beautiful than what the pictures have badly captured....
chris b. from virgina is really such a wonderful person .... there have been times when i've written here: "someone remind me to do my homework" or so ... and it's always been chris that has IM'd me and reminded me....he's always so sweet and thinking of other people and their feelings all the time ... and he always makes sure to remember people's birthdays too (not mine yet though...i've only known him like 7 months or so) and when he says he's going to do something, he always has... and he's so understanding and so real and funny and sweet .... all you virgina girls should go fight over him!!
i made myself something for once... seems like i'm always slaving away to make something for someone else and i was about to do the same again tonight ...but i changed my mind after about 20 minutes of working on it ...(so it ended up half boy-ish, half-girlish looking, which looks really cute....) i made a collage-jewelry box [out of a magazine, messy glue that wrinkled all the cut outs, and an old stationary box]...i think this is the first collage i've made in like 4 years...hehe...i did the best i could with only one old empty magizine.
"Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better
Only the one that inflicts pain can take it away"
madonna - eroctica lyrics (totally different context though ... lol)
i try sohard and everything just continues to fall apart. i hate life. i hate this world. can i leave now? i hate people. they are all stupid and selfish and dumb and mean and evil and some of them violent on top of everything else. and even i am learning how to be selfish... there is no hope. and there's no where to run to. there is nothing. nothing at all.
here's the fairy that i just finished drawing for marcy: click here. i love you marcy : ) come over and get your fairy if you're not too tired...i'm sorry i didn't hang out with you in santa monica today...i probably should have, i wouldn't have had a much better day...i swear this day could not get any worse {update: it just did get worse ...haha} ... so when are we jumping off tioga hall? actually, i was thinking poison would be better... lol [i'm kidding children, inside joke, don't freak out]
well, i was going to keep this a secret until i was done writing my 30 page play, but i'm in a "feel sorry for me" mood, so here you go, the idea/plot/outline for my play: playwriting 101 draft ...all the scenes in the play are 99% based on fact, (a little out of order at times), except for the interaction with the character faith: that's fictional to appease the stupid teacher with an actual plot or story... but the girls i encountered were all like faith...the boys too ... wow, was that ever hell ... ok, you don't have to leave any comments, just *feel sorry for me* on your own. lol...
ANOTHER SONG!!! yes, that's 2 in less than 24 hours..... i spent 4 hours trying to record this one right...i usually take less than 45 minutes to record things ... about 4-8 recordings or so ...but i wanted this one to be a bit better.... but the more i recorded, the worse it got, and i didn't have a complete version ...but then it finally started getting better...i have about 5 versions that i halfway like, but don't know which one to choose...they all are slightly different... i haven't had any sleep, so here's my newest song and goodnight....oh yeah and yet again it's based on the poem below....
download/listen to "she always laughs, at the most horrible things" [wav] ..... view lyrics
smile torn in two
sweetened pain
she always laughs
at the most horrible things
knife in her heart
she's smiling again
drowning inside
going numb on the outside
ripped all apart on the in
holding back the tears
feeling pain
she says it's better than
not feeling at all
some form of being alive
she's kissing tears
murder one for one
but she's become murdered too
stupidity at it's best
insanity again
she'd trade her entire life
for the most worthless things.
i'm finally oraganizing all the music i have on my computer into a few folders: "good music" (from blonde redhead to miss kittin and so on) "mainstream music" (everything from white stripes to deftones) "rave stuff" (ATB to scooter) "punk and ska" (nofx and guttermouth to madness) "emo/pop punk stuff" (dashboard, the used, at the drive in, etc) and "UGLY chris music" (slaves on dope to 3 days grace) ...yeah, so hopefully it will be a little easier to find music i'm looking for...gary numan won't get lost anymore! lol except i think the mainstream folder should be divided up a little more ... it's kinda random to have 'hot hot heat' in the same folder with 'system of a down' ... but maybe i'll throw 'hot hot heat' into the good music folder ... oh and i don't care how many people like her music, most of Ani Defranco is going to get deleted off my computer ... i don't like her.
update: this is too hard! where do i put portishead? and rasputina? and vast? and what about the rolling stones? and nirvana? where am i supposed to put my chemical romance? emo/pop punk? or am i wrong? ahhhhhh! and what is dead poetic? someone help?!?!
and eww ewwwww! who put two good charlotte songs on my computer?!?! ewwww!
marcy is sooooo super sweet! she brought me some food and a cd ("mix tape" lol) tonight. : ) we hung out for a bit ...but then she had to leave ... so sad ... i miss my marcy!! marcy is the only person allowed in my house when it's a mess... lol ...as soon as my mom leaves, my house can go back to being prettyful and clean and then i can finally have people over again...
the best 21 and over club so far.... i snuck into VV with jason last night...anyways so the door guy stops us as we are trying to go in and is like "ID's..." and Jason tells him that we don't have ID's, that we come here all the time, so we didn't bring them or something like that (thank god i didn't have to talk!!) and the guy told us that we needed to get someone from inside to verify that, and so J gave him his keys (for collateral) and we got Trevor to talk to the outside door guy and at last we were in. this club had a smaller dance floor than the others, but it also had a stage part to dance on and the music was really good... i had lots of fun...this is definately my favorite SD club so far, and by the looks of SD, i don't think it's possible to get better than this...so it will probably stay my favorite until it dies like electroluxe...anyway, i met more of Jason's friends or acquaintances or whatever they should be called, and when jason was neglecting me, i danced with linda, trevor, a guy named rob, and some guy that tried to ask me to dinner.... i also kissed a girl for a picture - i guess it was for her 21st birthday or something...the boys she was with had dared her to ask me if i'd kiss her for a picture...i hate having pictures of me on other people's cameras- they always look so terrible and i don't get to throw them away! lol oh well, i guess it's time for me to learn to like ugly pictures...
what's better than an unfinished draft of a poem? yet another unfinished draft of a song, of course!
chris recorded some random guitar today that wasn't too bad, so i stole it and made part of a song with it:
click here to download or listen to "coffee like there's time to waste" [wav] the lyrics are basically just parts from the poem below, but if you want to know exactley what the words are, click here.
today i was hitting my friend dylan with my star wand at school (yes, i'm 5. i brought a wand to school. i go to kindergarden!) and then i was on my way to my next class and this guy was like "hey! do you have a website?" and i was like "yeah..." and he was like "you're maystar!" and we each said like another sentence, his name is john (look! i remembered something for once!! lol) and then i had to run off to class before i was late...it sucks i wanted to like say something to him (i have no idea what) but i had to leave!
after too much homework, one hour of sleep, and being at school for entirely waaaay too long, i went to lulu's for coffee and guess who i saw!? the owner/dancer girl : ) [i can't remember her name. i tried really hard to remember it with no luck. i have had zenaida sound it out for me so that i could say it perfectly...but i still forgot] anyways, she loves me so she gave me (free) chocolate ...wee! They are having an art show with a DJ there on the first thursday of feb. ( i think that was the date) and they are dancing some upcoming friday...Zenaida and Marcy and I will have to go!!! especially to the art show! i haven't been to one of those in so long... the last one i went to was with my old roomate veronica...so that was at least a year ago...where has all my time gone?!?! i need to get out more!
i still don't understand how i ever got into webdesign. i look at things i've made in awe almost. (i'm talking about code.) i've always been sooooooooooo anti-computers. [unless bored to death and stuck at someone's house] a few years ago you could have bet your life and even your soul that i was never ever going to touch html or any kind of code!! ...and now here i am...and it's just so strange... if it wasn't for people giving me a computer, and ucsd and then my aunt paying for the internet, i wouldn't have ever gotten in to all this. and i've always said that i will never pay for anything internet related, but i'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, i'll keep the internet around when my aunt stops paying for it...
I'm excited about the 30 page play that i'm just barely starting to work on!!
ME? excited?? i don't get excited about anything.... and excited about homework??? what is wrong with me lately?!?!?!?! i'm broken!! i've even been eating things i used to hate lately... did someone screw with my head?! lol
...it's so strange to watch yourself change.
be yourself. be you. like what you want to like, say what you want to say, do what you really like to do. it's your life. never pretend to like something just to fit in. if you are 100% yourself and people don't like you, then there's something wrong with those people and not you. (most likely they are insecure...believe it or not.)
here's an old poem i wrote:
Feb. 2, 2002
the lost
creativity dies with age
we all slowly decay
our dreams fade
we try to fit in
conform to the cowards' reality
it?s not okay to be original
or look what they call weird
if you're not like them
you are not good enough
we tell ourselves these lies
and try to have fun their way
we lose ourselves over time
forget who we really are
never realize that we are lost
until it is too late
scared to be ourselves
to show our true colors
we never realize that we are so much better
than what we give ourselves credit for
we never search within
and love ourselves
for who we are inside
always try to be something else
follow the leader
the one that looks strong
with the appearance of success
get the mean people on our side
to be safe from their harsh words
we never realize that it is those mean people who are the losers
the ones that are deeply insecure
criticize to make themselves feel better
put others down
to elevate themselves
we all follow blindly
as they tell us just how cool they are
how classy, how social
what they did last night
last weekend
have to show off
too insecure to shut up
don?t want people to think they are losers
oh no, they must prove it to the world
that they are not
but we never notice
who they really are
we believe their in their false confidence
and try to live by their rules
as we kill our own souls
along with our happiness
we no longer do what we love
only that which is cool
pretend so much
that we lose our imagination
are you truly happy?
the coward?s way
false compliments and lies
hold your breath
put on a smile
and live in your superficial world.
written for Kristine Spencer and the rest of the world. Kristine was my old roomate...she was once telling me how she hated going to all the parties and that they were so boring and dumb and that she really wanted to go roller-skating instead! yet she kept going to parties anyway...so this poorly written poem was inspired by that, and many other things.
why is it that my spelling gets WORSE as i get older?? i used to be sooooo good at spelling...and now, it's like "how is that spelled?!?!" and so i just put down some random letters that are just sorta right, and i don't care that it's not right ... i'm like "oh well, if the other person gets it, that's all that matters!" ... i really don't even try to get it right anymore ... i just gave up...
wait no, i do have something to say... do you know how much i would *love* to have some time for myself?!?!?!.....time to finish typing up all my poems, time to organize everything that i've been ignoring, time to just sit and dream and listen to music for hours, to paint, to draw, to play with makeup, to write more, to just do whatever i wanted to do....?
well, as long as school exists, it's never going to happen. i will always constantly have homework hanging over my head... i swear i live under (in?) constant stress!!!! i don't have any time for *me* ..it's just really not possible....stupid school!!!! i haven't had any time for myself in like 5 years...just like i haven't had any time for tv in 5 years....
i have nothing to say. (yeah i know, I'M BROKEN!!!!) so have some random song lyrics:
"Come dancing,
All her boyfriends used to come and call.
Why not come dancing, it's only natural.
Another Saturday, another date.
She would be ready but she'd always make them wait.
In the hallway, in anticipation,
He didn't know the night would end up in frustration.
He'd end up blowing all his wages for the week
All for a cuddle and a peck on the cheek. "
exactley 9 years ago today, i was taken away from my mom...things have never gone back to normal...and i've never been the same. everything has just gone to pieces. i am so broken inside.
i've felt empty all day...
i wrote this back then, when i was 11 or 12:
No Happiness
what is there to smile about?
i?m never happy, i have no reason to be
why can?t anyone see my pain and sorrow?
they just take one look and say i?m fine
why can?t they see that the trouble is inside of me?
what is there to smile about?
what?s the reason to live?
i?ve never been happy. how could i be?
in this world you don?t smile cuz you?re happy
you just put on a fake smile
and everyone thinks you?re happy
but fake smiles are only lies in disguise
so why smile? why can?t we just be normal?
why do we have to look our best?
i don?t understand, where?s the fun in life?
what is there to smile about?
tomorrow?s just another day
with no fun and happiness
what makes people happy?
why do people smile?
why are we even living?
what is there in life to be happy about?
why should i smile if i?m not happy?
where did all my happiness go?
what happened to my life?
why can?t i be happy?
why should smile if there?s no happiness
no happiness.
wow.... "why are we even living?" ...questioning the meaning of life even at only age 11 or 12!... but age 12 is so vivid in my mind. i was not young then. i was old. i've always been old. i remember feeling 104 years old when i was only 7 ... then, and as far back as i can remember, i've always had the same ideas and thoughts ... never was i "la la la la i'm a happy little child" ...maybe when i was 5, but i really don't think so...i remember a few thoughts from back then... but at least when i was 5 i was happy at times.
and here's a poem from early 1998, i was 15 years old:
Pain
Emotional pain
Yelling, screaming, crying out in pain
They took away all that I loved
Not material things
People
Family, friends, my one true love
Gone.
Everything is gone.
Nothing.
No one
Emptiness, silence
Nothing but pain
Endless pain, worse than a thousand knives
Yelling, screaming, crying, longing to die
A painless death
Fearing there may be more pain after death
Longing to get away from this pain
Locked inside a tragic life
Trapped with a destiny
Of years of pain.
Drowning in self pity
Wishing someone could understand my pain
Feel my pain,
Know my pain
But not pretend to feel sorry for what they don?t see
Pain so awful that others can?t see it,
Can?t even begin to understand;
Not without knowing it.
Pain; ripping and tearing away at my soul
Killing my faith in what I have known
Tears burn my eyes and sting my face
More pain.
Lost in my own little world,
Hiding from the pain.
As I open my eyes, the pain comes back as reality
Much worse, as it slaps me in the face
Wakes me up
From my false world of comfort
Realizing I have nothing,
Nothing
No one to hug
No one to love
No one to hold me and tell me it?s okay
No shoulder to cry on
No one to kiss my tears away
No one at all
Nothing but silence
Emptiness
And the immense pain
Torturing me
Slowly killing me
Killing my soul
My heart
My love
My trust
And all I have left is the pain.
Beautiful pain.
how is it that i am still alive? WHY am i still alive? oh yeah, that's right, because i'm dumb and i thought it would be fun to keep living and living and living and suffering through this pointless meaningless life....
i hate the way girls and women are so... what's the word?....sneaky and manipulative and deceiving ...you know what i mean? that certain quality... i can't describe it exactley, but if you're a girl, i'm sure you've seen it in other girls... it seems as though 90% of girls/women are like that. which is why i've always been friends with boys and not girls, for the most part. girls are like secretly evil sometimes....
marcy and i seem to share the same hate for human beings: "i hate boys" says marcy. "i hate girls too!" she finishes. ...me: "that means you hate everyone...i'm like that too....only first i hate girls, and then i realize that i hate boys too ..." people just suck. they really do. selfish horrible creatures. all of them. but i'm sure marcy doesn't hate them as much i as i do...
so children, i'm at the library at school trying to study....does this look like studying to you?! it's hopeless...and last night i went to study with marcy and spent the night at her house and wasn't able to study until she went to sleep...she kept trying to suck me into the beautiful play she's writing! BUT i did read about 50 pages, which is more than i've read all quarter! unfortunately, i read the play that i have to write a 5 page paper on, instead of reading for philosophy...and i ended up having a quiz in that class today! i pretty much failed (6/10) ...but i don't feel too bad because everyone else (you know, those people that actually did read) got like 5/10 and 6/10 also .... if i had read, i might just be extremely mad... that always happens to me ... i used to read for like 17 hours and then still get like 68%-78% on my physics quizzes....possibly because the person who wrote our tests could not speak english!!
where's may? find out ...yeah so i'm trying this idea again ... so that people like tiffany won't yell at me ;) i've had this thing since last june and it sucked so i didn't use it for more than one second...i abandoned my account for awhile...it still sucks, but oh well. (some of their code is outdated so it doesn't work perfectly and easily like it should) i emailed them and told them to fix it...we'll see what happens... but yeah, so i'd love to adorn my schedule with "dancing in hollywood" on every thursday, friday, saturday [or sat.] and sunday of each week....but all my friends are dumb and no one ever wants to go, or they are busy, or something, something, something, so i won't even bother...i'm sick of asking people to do things, they always say 'no' or 'someday'...so i'll just go along where ever they want to go instead...yeah so if you want to make plans with me, tell me where we are going and when, and then i'll stick in there and no one else can have me for that time... oh but if you even dare think of standing me up, it's death!!!! off with your head! hey tiff, look at the month of april... ;)
despite the absolute horridness of the appearance of their website (faints), these things taste soooooooooo good! at least the *watermelon* ones do. lately i've been wasting a dollar everytime i go to henry's and buying one...i really need to go to henry's more often!! chris went shopping today and didn't get me one! can you believe that?!?! lo.l that's the last time he goes shopping alone! hahaha ....
see? this is my best attempt at doing homework!!! i was in the bath trying to read a play and then i start thinking about a website and song lyrics and then i'm thinking about sabbat for a second and that turns into something else and something else and then i end up thinking about a rave song and then i put it on and wonder if i should make marcy a rave cd and then i'm thinking that maybe it would be fun to go to a rave again and then i'm imagining how my friends would look in raver outfits and then i'm thinking that the music and people there suck now a day so i probably don't really want to go... and then all of a sudden i remember that i wanted to look up this website...so after 10 minutes i remembered the url and then here i am, writing here, and still not going homework. can someone please make me stop THINKING?!?!?! i can't do homework because i can't stop thinking about anything and everything!!! at least i haven't drifted back to the meaning of life thoughts and things...yet...that's always disaster!
yeah, so does anyone have any ideas of how i can get all these thoughts out of my head so that i can focus on this stupid homework?!? i want to get it done. i just can't! HELP!
i'm SO BEHIND in homework!!! don't IM me till thursday, don't call me till thursday, don't let me write anything here till thursday, and so on... because i don't want to do my dumb, stupid, boring homwork and all you people are just temptation! and i won't be able to resist! (go leave comments all over my blog instead! lol) yeah, i know "good luck!!!" ... and that it's never going to happen, i'm going to end up writing things here, and talking to my friends, and checking my email 16,000 times a day, oh and the worst thing, listening to music and drowning in it, instead of allowing it to blend into the background....but i really wish i could just focus and do my stupid homework and get it done!! i have to read 400 pages of stuff and i have a 4 page thing due on thursday - the outline/plot for the 30 page play i have to write, so if anyone wants to help me with this and also writing my play, let me know!!!! help me! i need help! (i think) .... last quarter chris b. helped me with my 15 page play...if it wasn't for him, i would have been stuck staring at a blank screen forever because i was sooooo not inspired at the time.....
shadow creatures.... so i'm not sure if i believe what i'm about to tell you, but chris was downloading music that was by the head of the satanist church, anton someone or other ... and i wasn't really comfortable with that ...i was like "hey maybe that's not good to listen to, cuz scary spirits will eat us!" ...but then i was like ok, whatever. then chris tells me this morning "um, i saw this black shadow thing moving around..." and so on ...i guess i was right in the same room, but he didn't show me because he didn't want to freak me out. so then i'm like "ok....maybe he's crazy" ...and decided not to be freaked out. so then just now, my mom was like mad that chris had satinist music on the computer and then she was telling me about this shadow thing that was in the house...she also said she heard footsteps a few times ... she thinks it's a ghost....
...so great, does this mean that there is some evil spirit in my house now?!!?! i can either believe it and be too terrified to take a shower by myself, or i can say that my mom and chris are both crazy until i see it for myself... and guess what evil shadow creature, if i see you, i'm going to start believing in God for 100% sure! lol so you better not let me see you, if you know what's best for you! LOL !!
waiting ...waiting.... waiting.... the worst thing about waiting for someone is that i can't accomplish anything while i'm waiting, something must be wrong with me!! "waiting" has become, or has always been like a whole seperate activity... i just can't focus on anything else while waiting for someone! like i can't do homework/read/anything important...i can do things like get over-ready to go out, and talk on aim...but that's about it...
today i was waiting forever for marcy (but she called like 8 times, so it was okay), but it caused me to get absolutely nothing done the whole day, and this was supposed to be a homework day...i didn't even have time to see her in the first place...i was trying to be nice and make time for her anyway.... but it seems to result only in MORE STRESS!! i just lost another WHOLE day and i am SO far behind in homework!! i'm going to die!! i hate school! it wants to eat up my social life again!! i refuse to let it win this quarter!! lol
it's a luscious mix of words and tricks
that let us bet when you know we should fold
on rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
and of the whole mess of roads we're now on.
the shins - caring is creepy
woke up all alone
the darkness caressing my skin
emptiness eating at my soul
no one was alive but me
the room so deathly cold.
memories of you
but there's no one here to care
music wrapping around my heart
like barbed wire ribbon
pricking me a thousand times.
the day is long gone
darkness has consumed the light
i'm falling behind
time is rushing by me
but my world stands still.
lonliness is embracing me again
music kissing me softly
i'm giving in; feeling what is real
slowly bleeding to death
all alone on this cold lonely night.
no more "ummm...i forgot my purse..." ! tonight ('last night' i mean) i got into another 21+ club!!!!! (transport?) weee! i got to just walk past the door guy....he didn't ask me for my ID ...thank god! the last thing in the world i wanted to do was say that i forgot my purse/id again ...i'm sooooooooo bad at lying! ...anyways it was pretty cool - but again, sooooooo different than what i'm used to ...it's like a bar/club, while the ones i usually go to are just clubs..yeah they have a bar, but no one drinks really...so i'm not too sure if i like this new 21+ atmosphere or not yet, but the music was good ... they even played 'the postal service' for some reason!!! yeah, so jason and i had fun dancing ...except for that i felt too nervous to really dance right...must be all those scary old people! lol ...i'm not really sure why i was nervous...i guess it's just the mood i'm in lately...it really sucks... also, i wasn't really dressed right...i didn't have time to get dressed so i was stuck in what i wore to dinner with my mom and chris - [some punk-type pants and a black top with platform flip flops]...it didn't feel like we got to dance long enough either! after that we went to shiloh's and watched random 80's music videos and had drinks with him and B. and then i return home to chris being awake and on my computer trying to figure out where i was "really" going tonight...he is so silly....he did manage to find an AIM convo that i had saved saying that i was supposed to go dancing with "Tri" last night ...pretty good. but i didn't end up going with him (obviously) ...i'm not quite in the mood to meet anymore random people lately. i have enough friends already, more than i can handle!!....(yeah 3 friends + a boyfriend + acquaintances = way too many!!) ...marcy wanted to hang out last night too, but i couldn't be with her because i already had double plans....
yay! someone else thinks like me! saw this in a comment on Marcy's blog: "Life IS meaningless--the defination of "Existentialism". Once you accept this you can carry on doing feeble tasks and just try to find some happiness in spite of it."
I can't seem to accept that life is meaningless though. i only realize that it is pointless. Can't accept it or understand it...this paralyzes me sometimes....makes me unable to do homework...or anything at all. why try to be an actress, why try to be in a band, why do anything, when IT IS POINTLESS?!?!?! i often think "hey i could start up my clothing company...i could do that...i could try really hard and make it work, make money, etc" and then i think: "but why?!" "WHY try so hard to do something and put energy into something if it is pointless? if life is pointless. if i'm just just going to DIE in the end...then WHY try to do anything...?" ...yeah i know, not this topic again...but i won't be happy until someone can give me a perfect reason of why i should live...why i should try...why i should get out of bed at all....
i'll shut up now....this will only go in circles forever...i wish i didn't think this way...
crying is beautiful because it means that you can (still) feel. and feeling is the best part of being human. too many people these days are stone cold and un-human.
at times, only sometimes, i can't feel anything and it's horrible ...even when i try to feel, there's just nothing....it is the worst thing in the world...haven't felt that way for awhile, but it's terrible when you so badly want to care, want to love, and you just can't, you can't feel anything at all.... emotionally numb...you go through the motions of caring and loving but you really are just 'there' and not involved emotionally at all...anyone else ever feel like this before? i got like this from foster homes and who knows what else...
i invest a lot of time and energy into friendships ... not to mention love. i don't believe that it is possible to have more than a few friends at a time...why? because there isn't enough time in the world to care about and be there for any more than a few people at a time...and if you aren't there for your friends when they need you then you aren't really a friend!!!!!!! you are an acquaintance. and/or selfish. a friendship should be deep and wondeful...you should care about the person and their feelings and their life and all sorts of things...
there's still hope for cafe lulu!!! tonight i went with zenaida to cafe lulu and we watched her friend and two other girls belly dance and they also had fire which was kinda neat...they didn't get burned while putting flames against their skin and in their mouths...anyway their costumes were really neat...not elaborate, not like zenaida's costumes, but like dark and rougher and gypsy-like...it made me want to go dye my hair black! they were so beautiful! anyways, zenaida knows the girl who now owns the place, who was also one of the dancers, and she gave us free drinks - some kind of wine, and you know me, i don't remember the name of it, as with everything else....anyways we were talking to her about the plans for the coffee shop - she had already added lots of plants and brought back the candles and some other things, (and tonight it was packed for the first time in years!) and she's going to be getting DJ's and making a spot for them way up and high ...and more dancers and curtains and just so many things...i suggested that she should put the waitresses in costumes -similar to the belly dancers and so she's going to do something like that... it's all just really exciting ...this place was totally dead and now it's going to be the best coffee shop ever... does your coffee shop have a dj ? lol ...she also wants to make some kind of after hours thing in there too... it doesn't seem like there's enough room in there, but oh well...oh and tonight it was open till 2:30am!! I guess from now on fridays and saturdays are going to be like that - no more boring 1am...
new music and stuff I was thinking about it, and all the music that i listen to i've found completely on my own...the boys helped me find afi and guttermouth and everything like that back in 8th grade, but other than that, i've had to do it all on my own...i had no friends to influence me or show me new bands and music...! [except for some random rave music, but even then i found most of it myself] how sad and terrible! i had to find the cure on my own, and joy divison, the smiths, berlin, the specials, madness, pj harvey, portishead, pretty girls make graves, blonde redhead, hot hot heat (before they went mainstream), no knife, air, soft cell, miss kittin, felix da housecat, chicks on speed, le tigre, peaches, ave. d, the lovemakers, etc, etc, even ladytron!!....just everything! it's not fair! how come i had to find all my own music!?! [actually chris's old friends did tell me about modest mouse years ago, but that's it.] ....everyone else seems to have people they talk about music with... thanks to marcy i finally heard the postal service after hearing their name forever...! it's about time! i guess i should have just downloaded them along time ago..but how was i supposed to know they played pretty music?! there are always so many bands to download and it gets to be too many...but yeah, now i'm just going to steal all the pretty music jason knows about...heheheh...that's soooo much easier than finding it all by myself! and maybe marcy will have a few more songs i haven't heard somewhere too....
hahahaha pretendtobreathe: okay my mom is SO random ....
pretendtobreathe: My mom's definition of Dismayed:
One that has had their May taken away from them. (she laughs) pretendtobreathe: she randomly said that out of nowhere suddenly lol
JPEG76: I need to get dismayed so I can get some work done this weekend!
pretendtobreathe: hahahaha!
where oh where has the sound on my computer gone?!?!?! it's just gone! no, the speakers are not unplugged, yes i've checked the mute button thing...see what happens when stupid other people use your computer?! someone help?! i'm out of ideas!
i feel like i can't write anything, say anything, do anything, be myself anymore, even breathe without chris trying to accuse me of flirting, of cheating, of something... the more he's like this, the more he makes himself into the enemy...the more i feel like i have to hide everything when it's nothing...like J and i had this whole joke about vegas and getting married [what, you think my play ideas come from thin air?! not quite...] ....and it's like, of course, chris thinks that's 'flirting' AND IT SO WASN'T!! ...what chris, am i not allowed to LAUGH?! is laughing flirting? am i not allowed to help make up elaborate stories that aren't true? it's not flirting! [and am i not allowed to have fun?!! am i supposed to be miserable like you and NEVER EVER go out?!] god. and with any hint of a guy liking me in ANY way, he goes ballistic [is that the right word?...]....when a guy says "tell chris i said that is lucky to have you" ...and i do, chris gets mad... when the mexicans whistle at me in mexico, chris gets so mad he could kill.... i'm really sick of this! i mean, i'm a very jealous person too, [jealous = feel hurt], but i know when to stop....um except for writing hate emails to the girl he cheated on me with 2 years ago...[oh, you thought our relationship was perfect did you? you have no idea. we have both murdered each other's souls...the real life people know this]...anyways, i just feel so terrible this way...i feel like i can't be open with chris anymore...i'm scared he's going to think i like someone, i'm scared that's he's going to accuse me of flirting, i'm even too scared to have fun.... like today when i was out with Jason, i wanted to hang around longer...go get some food or whatever, but then it's like "oh no! i have to go home right now or else chris will think i'm cheating on him, chris will think i spent the night at someone's house *gasp*" and so on....it's this constant feeling of almost fear...and it's making me hate chris...like he's the parent i'm trying to escape...and i'm the kid hanging out with friends for too long....
i NEED to be a kid, i NEED to be free, i NEED to be able to do what i want without being questioned by the police! like if i DO want to stay out all night or spend the night somewhere i want to be "allowed" to...even if it's with "a boy" friend....i want to be able to just not come home if i don't feel like it...if i'm having fun...i want to be able to get home at 8am without being harassed....i want to experiance LIFE....i want to be random....i'm sick of worrying about the future...i want to live with just a "NOW" ...i want to go and see everything and learn about everything and everyone. i need to be my own person ....i've always been a very independent person...i can't stand feeling so confined...
and i hate how chris hates dancing and is always too tired to dance. and i hate how chris will think i'm cheating on him if i hang out with Jason too much [Jason goes dancing and has fun like almost every night...i want to go with him!] and just everything sucks....
update: no, no, people, you missed the point. (in the comments...)
I WANT FRIENDS, i don't want a new relationship. i don't want to be confined by someone else! i don't want another guy. you are thinking like chris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want my boyfriend to quit being jealous over nothing! you are no help! I want to be able to have GUY FRIENDS without my BOYFRIEND freaking out. that's all. it's that simple. i don't want another relationship, i'm not old enough to be in any relationship as it is. i want to HAVE FUN and MAKE FRIENDS and STAY WITH CHRIS. and I WANT chris to go back to being who he used to be....oh and wait, you missed something else!! i'm only saying how i FEEL at the moment!... this is not all there is to chris! chris is also wonderful and sweet....
OH! AND ME?! SELFISH?! NO!!!! DO NOT FUCKING PUT ME IN THAT CATEGORY WITH THOSE OTHER GIRLS! I have sacrificed SO MUCH for chris! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! i have become NOTHING for chris. I have done SO much for him that i am DEAD. i'm unable to do anything nice for anyone anymore. i have given so much that i have nothing left to give! Here i am a theatre major, and have not been in a play since age 16, WHY? for chris. and the list goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on until there is nothing left of me at all! And he's done a lot for me too... we suffer for each other...to love each other ... and maybe it was a bad idea to say anything here because no one seems to understand me at all....you guys don't have the background info you need...
and i'm not trying to attack chris. not at all. this is not a fight. this is me venting. this is me thinking. i'm just saying how i feel. he was like "why don't you ever write about me" ... so that is what i did. and he really does not care what a bunch of internet people think about him... MEOW! lol
tonight i had a lot of fun...i saw marcy and jason...i'll spear you the details [there were WAY too many last time i went dancing! i bet no one even could stand to read that post! lol]...and i'm sure you could care less about how we wandered around the mall and so on.... i love my beautiful friends who i know nothing about...they are so wonderful...[especially marcy, sorry jason, she takes me on better dates!] i wish i knew more about them, but it seems that the more i try to get to know them, the less i know...i know that marcy like faries and creativity...i know that jason likes a really beautiful song that i can't remember the name of [tell me the name jason! i want that song!], and i know all this random stuff like about sorority girl paddles and that there's this important-ish guy staying at a hotel somewhere, i know that ima robot is playing a free show, i know that marcy has pink curtains in her childhood room, and that she likes to shake her salads in the plastic box with salad dressing, and so on....but do i know anything really about them? no. i can look into their eyes and see pain and see guilt and see all these different thoughts....but i haven't quite learned to read minds yet, so...i'm stuck with just sensing something and never knowing...and sometimes stuck with wondering if i'm insane and there's nothing really there at all... haha...except sometimes i can get things out of marcy...but i still sense things from her that she won't tell me....she'll tell me half but not all...about what's she's really thinking...so if she's thinking: "i hate you may" she'll tell me something with some subtext...instead of saying it clearly and truthfully...i intend to keep these friends forever, if they'll let me, so they better open up!! well, at least marcy took me to her parent's house....that's a start, we are getting married soon! [sorry jason, you lost your chance to marry me...lol]
so i overslept and missed two classes... school is insane...they assign us all this stuff on TUESDAY and it's then due on THURSDAY...."hey read a million pages!, while you're at it write a 7 page play, oh and do this other paper thing too...." So i stay up for days without sleep, finally get all the stuff done (but not all the reading, i tried, but there just was not time!!) and then i go to sleep at 7 or 8am and set my alarm for 10am [so that i can get a tiny bit ready and then walk alllllllllllllllllllllll the way to the stupid hillcrest/ucsd shuttle by 11:30 and then get to school just after 12:00 in time for my class at 12:20....]
but no...you can't wake up when you haven't slept enough, and if they didn't give us so much homework, i might actually be able to sleep! so i'm placing the blame completely on my school!! haha ...no but seriously, this is their fault...WHEN DO I GET TO SLEEP?!?!?! I haven't had enough sleep ever since school started almost 2 weeks ago... i swear i'm going crazy from lack of sleep!!...next thing you know i'll turn into a serial killer!! lol...and it will be all evil ucsd's fault! anyways, i've got to go get dressed and try to at least make it to my last class..if i don't show up, Ashley will kill me! (ashley's the teacher/TA for the class...but she's 25 and i've kinda made friends with her over the last couple years...)
if my mother didn't feed me (sometimes), i would never eat. i'm literally so busy that i don't have time to eat. i don't even have time to *think* about eating! i just realized that i had eaten nothing all today except tuna that mom made me and toast...and now she just brought me cereal (yay! i was starving!)...i'm so dependent...i used to cook (kinda. chicken - salads - pasta, hey! yes that counts!...lemon chicken ...yummmm )...i don't know what happened to me! something about being depressed makes you this way...too weak to even make toast...it's sad...i'm tired...i'm still doing homework- I WANT TO GO TO BED! ...goodnight you lucky people that get to sleep, i hate you! lol
go say happy birthday to my friend Jason! come on, you know you want to...
speaking of friends...i've recently noticed that anything i say to marcy seems to magically also get into the heads of other random people...like zenaida and dylan and yeah.........stop it marcy! bad marcy! lol i'm going to go get some duct tape for you! but since i love you, you can take it off when you are around me... hahahaha... *kisses*
I would make a great ANTI-salesman! Like someone that can talk people out of liking ANYTHING. I swear i could come up with a huge list of reasons that anything in the world is bad...even the things i like....anything, everything. i tend to do so on accident...it's not that i actually walk around thinking all these bad things, it's just if someone says something good about something, i'll point out the opposite. tee hee hee. the on the other hand, if someone says something bad about something, i'll defend it and point out good things...i have no idea why, i just seem to think like that....
ok you guys, so i just wrote the most random play ever...so maybe not the random you're thinking of, no aliens, sorry...but nevertheless, it's still random...i decided to pour all of my creative energy into my homework for ONCE IN MY LIFE!!! i even went over the page limit! i even wrote FAST...normally it would take me years to write anything, but this was so fun to write that it went fast and i didn't ever get stuck!!!... the reason? ...well, the instructions for how we were supposed to write the play were basically how i already think: "a continuous stream of consciousness" and some other things that were so like the way my head already works...including random...so yeah, I'M DONE!!! weeee! and on to the next homework thing....do i EVER get to sleep?!?!
so you want to read my play, huh? well thanks to microsoft word being neat and turning things into html for me, you can. (even if the formatting does suck!) BUT just remember that it is supposed to be read very fast and it all should flow together and the opening scene should be very chaotic seeming...and also, have pity on me, i am *not* a writer. click here to read a strange play.... and if you just don't get the play, it's probably my fault...i filled it with inside jokes that only certain people know...so it might only be funny to us...oh well...it's only homework afterall....eh, and i just re-read it, and i absolutely hate it...oh well. i always hate the things i write...they always seem too hallow...
i am so going insane! i feel like a boy deprived of sex!...i'm in the most creative, passionate mood ever ... i want to write, i want to sing, i even want to draw! i want to create things...make things...i have so many ideas in my head! i started a poem ... i started drawing (note: it takes me about 400 sheets of paper to draw one thing... i'm too much of a perfectionist)...and then here i am ... stopping my poem, putting my drawing paper away: trying to repress this creativity as usual ...trying to focus on schoolwork...i've been awake for three hours and accomplished nothing...haven't even started my homework...time is rushing by, the world is blurring before my eyes ... i'm being consumed by thoughts and ideas and feelings and desire... oh, i hate school with such a passion...i hate how it forces me to give up everything i love, how it forces me to stay in the house when i want to go out, how it forces me to live in a box without friends, without music, without art, without anything....i want to throw all my homework away and live the way i want to live, and do the things i want to do! i don't want to have my life controlled by school any longer!
...and she reluctantly goes back to trying to start her homework...
i just talked to someone i hadn't heard from in almost 6 years.... tiffany and i just talked on the phone for like 3 hours ...."catching up" i guess they call it....god, i think we talked more tonight then we did in all of junior high! maybe not, but it feels like it...lol we would have talked on forever, but my cell phone was being annoying and then it was dying (oh yeah and we also need to sleep!)...it's so nice to talk to people from your past for some reason...some sense of "look i really do have a past!" type thing....old friends....and i always thought it had been too many years to call anyone from junior high/9th grade... guess i had just been trying to call the wrong people...
so the photoshoot went okay... it wasn't too bad...the shirt they had me wear said "you may now fuck the bride" ...and i guess since it had to be some blunt shirt, that one was not the worst....anyway, i also wore a bride veil thing and had this fake wedding ring and white bouquet of flowers...the only problem was that my face looked so depressed/sad in all the pictures...i couldn't pull off the "naughty" and "innocent" looks they wanted...it's just too hard when there are so many people and they are all telling you to do 8000 things at once...i also did another shot (most girls only do one shot because their catalog doesn't contain many models at all..like 9 girls or less), which was a leg-shot and also contained a dog...and the dog was wearing a shirt that said "i fucked your leg" ... terrible, i know, but SOMEHOW i can't help but think it's hilarious... maybe it's the lack of sleep...yeah, so anyways when i got there one of the other model's asked "aren't you nervous?" and "how are you going to pose?" and it was weird...i hadn't even thought to be nervous! which is so unlike me...i was so concerned about getting there on time and school and homework that i completely forgot to be nevous.... i also hadn't thought of how to pose...i leave that up to the photographer completely... i'm an actress and i need to be directed... lol ...(you'd think that was funny if you knew my last acting teacher....)
anyways children, i love you, but i must get away from this evil computer and catch up with my homework....and i have not gotten a good night's sleep since last wednesday!! i'll be back on thursday ...if you see me post anything before then, YELL AT ME...i'm going to try my best to stay away...that also means don't expect any emails from me unless you are one of those people that i always respond to ASAP...
20 is such a strange age.... ...you are an adult by law, but you can't get into 21 and over places ...and so you feel terribly young and 5 years old...oh wait, maybe that's just me, lol anyways, it seems like 21 is soooo much older than 20, somehow. not like you suddenly gain all this magical extra knowledge when you turn 21, it just seems as though being 21 suddenly moves you up to a new level, where you are not left out of things....where you can relate to other people better...i don't know...something...it's actually kind of funny, i've never felt young before, i have friends up in orange county that are 25 and 41 and all sorts of random ages [veronica, liz, patrice, stephanie, and so on...] and i've always felt 100% confident and mature around them...i've been to like all of patrice's parties in the past 5 years...where absolutely everyone was so much older than me....and i felt like i could so relate to them and understand them...but lately i feel so young...maybe young is the wrong word....i think maybe i'm just feeling like i don't know anything anymore... like i don't know all the coolest new music and i don't know what indie flicks are playing and i don't feel like i have anything to offer...i'm not feeling young, i'm feeling a bitinferior maybe... under-knowledged...i don't know...
in regards to the progress of my homework: so i'm on the phone with J and he's like "so how's page 6 going?" ...and i was like "actually, i'm on page 8 now" ...and the sad part is that i was NOT joking!!!....and this is like the next day...so i read like only 2 pages in a day! ...and i didn't even go out or get to have any fun! i didn't talk to anyone online, i didn't really email anyone, i was good! my friends all called me, but that was it...i just sat here forever and ever TRYING to read and i couldn't...i just CAN'T! ...i keep thinking all these random thoughts about everything and anything and even nothing....and i try to stop thinking and just read, but it doesn't seem to work and so the things i read just never get into my head...and i have so much energy (but i'm still tired) lately and just "ahhhhh! i can't focus!" ...but yeah, anyways...maybe it's the sugar withdrawals...lol OH...and so much for getting ANY sleep before my photoshoot at 10am! oh well....
why is it that i can never find the songs i want to download?!?! i didn't think that the stuff i liked was that obscure... i can't find 'orgasmatron' by avenue d. i can't find anything by jane jensen, and on and on and on...no wonder i rarely download anything...stupid kazaa and limewire suck! (and e-mule just had nothing last time i looked) ....and i couldn't possibley afford to buy all the music i want...i'm always looking for new stuff... my old idea was that anything i was going to actually buy was going to be on vinyl only and then i was going to download it off the internet and make a cd of the same thing...(you know, for the car or whatever...when we get a new the cd player that is)...but now i'm not so sure if that's a good idea...everything i want to download just does not seem to exist on the internet!
a temporary smile
a distraction from life
but just as pointless
but not meaningless
we fill up the coffee cups
just to pour the coffee out
purposeless yet wonderful
all at the same time
but so confusing
why make something so beautiful
just to throw it all away?
there's a helicopter with a searchlight like right above my apartments! it's been flying around my neighboorhood for like 5-10 minutes...i wonder what's going on...guess i will never know...i really need to get a TV some day...lol
oh my god, my mother is driving me insane!!! i can't take this anymore! i'm sick of being nice and letting her stay with me...my house is destroyed, i can't ever have people over, and she won't stop talking EVER, and she won't stay out of my room and she doesn't have any respect for any of my stuff and i just can't even think around her! she is not the same mother i used to know, not at all....
is it really tiffany?!?!?! wow...i was just talking about this girl in two of my recent posts from this last week, not by name, but in the term 'friends'... i haven't heard from her since 9th grade...(that's like what, 1997-1998?) and today i check my email and i find this:
"MAYBE U CAN GUESS WHO THIS IS! I'LL GIVE U A HINT OR TWO, OK? FRENCH CLASS-SAVANNA, NOT YET? OK, WE WERE BEST FRIENDS AT ONE POINT WHEN WE LIPSANG GARBAGE "I'M ONLY HAPPY WHEN IT RAINS" IN DRAMA CLASS IN BROOKHURST JUNIOR HIGH. OK THAT'S IT IF U HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT CALL ME ON MY HOME PHONE AT (714) ***-****. AND LEAVE ME YOUR CELL OR SOME DAMN #.
P.S. OK 1 MORE HINT. U KISSED AJ AT MY BDAY PARTY! AND IT WAS VERY FUNNY. BY THE WAY MY EMAIL IS NOT VALID"
here's a picture...the girl in the middle is her....i always love when old friends find my website...somehow, that was like one of the main reasons i had a website to begin with...it was like "find me! find me!" and now at least two people from the same group of old friends have found me somehow, which is really a miracle....
so i'm once again trying to catch up with this email game, and i'm still 54 emails behind, i swear i need a secretary! ... anyways, i just noticed this attachment --------->
in an email from matthieu forichon ...he's an artist from france and he made this for me!!! isn't that the sweetest thing ever?! [merci beaucoup!!! c'est belle! je t'aime, matthieu! tee hee]
if you lost your cell phone, would you die? ...as in: do you have your numbers somewhere else too, or are they all in your phone and that's it? ...when i first got a phone, i had everything on paper too...nowadays i rely too much on the existance of my phone...i keep telling myself i'm going to write down all the numbers....i have a wonder woman address book on my desk, staring at me...waiting...but i still haven't copied over all my numbers...i'd do it right now, but i'm sooooooo behind in homework! but anyways, in a way, cell phones are a bad thing...i used to memorize people's phone numbers by dialing them...now i never dial numbers...and so i know none. if someone steals my phone or i lose it, i have no way to ever contact people again...what a scary thought...yeah, so go copy down your numbers onto paper!!
oh my goodness, i'm going to die! (yes, again) so school has only been in for a week and already i am sooooooo behind! how does this always happen to me?! by tuesday, i need to read a 114 play, 78 pages of locke [which is really hard to read!!], and another long play that i still need to buy, plus i need to write something for playwriting class and have 5 seperate ideas for the play i'm going to have to write...i hate school! it's just too hard...and i hate how it makes it so that i can't have a life...no time for friends, no time for chris...who i haven't even seen all weekend somehow, even though i live with him...there just isn't enough time in life and it's too stressful!
a random thought ...so when you think of gothic and fetish clothes, i'm sure a lot of you normal people think: "how interesting", "how un-normal", "how neat", "how different", or something along those lines...but with me, i think: "how black", "how boring", "how un-original", "how normal", "how conformist", and almost "how mainstream" ... i guess i've just been exposed to this stuff so much that it is like a second "normal" for me. to me, the whole gothic style is the same as the whole normal american style: i've seen it too much, too many people do it, there isn't enough variation or uniqueness in it, and because of that, it's just plain boring to look at. which is what has caused me to not really own anything that is specifically labeled "fetish" or "gothic" ...i mean i could always put together a goth looking outfit with the clothes i have, but i've just never been compelled to buy like a black corset or anything...it's just too normal for me. when you see your friends wear things like that to school every day all throughout junior high and highschool, it gets really old....far far far from "unique" which makes it unappealing to me... here's a bad example of the some of the friends i'm talking about: 10th grade pix ... i don't have any pictures of the exact girls and outfits i'm talking about....but oh well. one day, for fun, i should scan all the 8th to 10th grade pictures i can find of me dressing kinda goth...the main thing i did in those years was wear thick black eyeliner and give people this evil stare...all for fun of course, but it must have been extra ridiculous on the days when i was dressed in bright green and white with rainbow jewelry instead of boring black...
c'est un miracle! guess what?! i got into a 21 and over club!! so, let me give you too many details about my night and bore you to death: jason picked me up last night and we went by the casbah to pick up some tickets for the suicide girls show that he's going to tonight, and then we went to get candles from sav-on for his friend bianca's 25th birthday...then we went by J's house for a sec. to pick up bianca's shoes and then walked over to shiloh's (B's boyfriend's apt.) for the party...after only one drink, J's friends decided that they wanted to go to sabbat @ shooterz [...which jason had already guessed the moment we walked in the door - just by looking at the way shiloh was dressed...] so i was like "jason, if they won't let me in, you can always just get rid of me and go be with your friends..." we also had the back up plan of going to this cool club in mexico instead...anyways, so we got to the club and just sat in the parking lot for a second thinking that i was never going to be able to get in...then J's friends called us and were like "hey, there's no door guy for a second..." so we dashed over...and then a door guy appeared from nowhere....from out of the crowd and asked for our ID's... i had intentionally left my purse and my "i'm only 20 years old" ID in the car and so with the worst acting skills EVER i was like "oh no, i forgot my purse" [i am sooooo bad at lying...] and J was like "we got one ID, will that do?" and some how the door guy was compassionate and felt sorry for the bad actress blonde girl...and was like "ok, you guys can go in, but just make sure that she doesn't buy her own drinks, because sometimes they check ID's at the bar...." and we were like "thank you" ... "we're just here to dance anyway" ...
so this was the second 21+ bar that i've gotten into, but the first real "club"...it was a goth/vinyl club and so the music was a bit familiar, but not my favorite... it's always a little hard to dance to goth/industrial music [although chris loves it...lol] ...this was also my first time being drunk or buzzed or whatever it was at a club like this...usually when i go to my electroclash, 80's brit pop, and industrial clubs, i never ever drink, not one bit...and now i'm thinking that maybe drinking is not a good idea for these kind of clubs...for some reason instead of getting the usual "hey i'm drunk i'm confident and i can act 5" feeling that people get, i got the worst of being drunk and not being drunk at the same time...i felt insecure and scared to dance at first and then at the same time i felt too dizzy-ish to dance and my perception of the music was off...when they played one of my favorite songs "frank sinatra" by miss kittin, it didn't feel the same...it didn't seem as wonderful as usual, it just felt "oh blah, it's a song..." but when they play it in the cold un-social atmosphere of club syntethic where almost no one drinks, the song seems almost magic... the atmosphere of 21+ clubs is so different from 18+ ones, [yeah, because there are no sober people there at all ...haha] everyone is so friendly and talkitive...and i think it actually has to do with the ages of the people and not just the alchohol... at club safari in mexico everyone [18+] is always overly drunk and still people stick to their own groups and don't talk to strangers...and i swear, you've never really seen "drunk" until you've seen the kids at safari...[thanks to the "get unlimited FREE drinks all night long" thing] but at this club, every time i was left by myself, random boys and men would immediately come out of nowhere and start talking to me...i even got hit on by a 50 year old - yuck! it was so odd-i'm not used to people being so friendly, especially the underground sorts of people... younger scensters and goths are always so cold and so much with the "i'm better than you" feel that you can't talk to them at all, well you can, but only on a very superficial level...and then here i was chatting away with a girl named lauralee who was wearing almost nothing (skimpy black vinyl and a body stocking) as though she was just a regular person ...or something... i didn't quite explain that right.... i just mean that she had absolutely no attitude or fakeness or anything, she was just open and herself...i'd say that the overall atmosphere of the place was a very "casual" feeling, almost like we lived there... as opposed to hollywood, where you just go because you *only* want to dance and dance and dance and no one wants to leave dancing to go get a drink... anyway, back to my story and away from annilyzing the atmosphere: although it had a different feel from what i'm used to, i had fun dancing with jason and his friends (when they were actually dancing...haha)...anyways so then we left the club/bar at about 2:30 and went back to shiloh's and talked about music and downloading music, and yeah, more music...oh and we listened to a miss kittin album i've never really heard before...and that was pretty much it...oh and i forced jason to make me food because he had been talking about cooking all night long...and don't ask what happened to B and her birthday candles and tiramisu...oh and that's another thing, B looked sooooo familiar...and not just her face, but her facial expressions, her body language, just everything...but i know there's no way i could possibly know her from anywhere...very strange....i don't remember people i have met and yet i remember people i've never met, yeah...that just makes so much sense...
a fun game... so i got this from a spam email and made it into html so that you could see it too...it's kinda like a little quiz thing...go look at it...and answer the questions... come on, you know you want to....
there are things that are right and ugly and that i will not do and will not follow even though i have the right- and there are beautiful mistakes i do not hesitate to make impulsively and contentedly.
- barghouti
marcy has conned me into going dancing at a frat/sorority event "club" thing tonight... and they have nerve to have a dress code!!! never before have i seen one of those parties have a dress code... how annoying! and the music is going to bad ... and if not "bad" then just something i hate lol... i want to go to hollywood instead! i hate sororities... they control people's lives! like last night marcy couldn't go dancing because she had some stupid sorority thing to attend... and it's not just a once and awhile thing, it seems like always...it seems to take up all of her time... i'm going to kill the evil sorority and kidnap my marcy back! oh well, as long as she is having fun when she has to go to those dumb events then i guess it's okay.... lol update: we didn't end up going, marcy had a bad toothache :(
so i wanted another journal for christmas....my current vintage-cat woman one was not inspiring enough to write in, (i'm looking at it now, and it's actually kinda neat though), i've had it for 2 years now and there are only about 35 pages written in it...but the new journal i got, with shag art on the cover and purple pages is even less inspiring!! ... i wanted like a "deep dark mysterious" looking journal... i wanted one like veronica had... i wanted something "real" and not childish looking ... i wanted to carry it around and write in it like those people in the movies (and veronica....lol) ... and let a select few certain people read it... but that is just a stupid idea! i'm glued here, to this online journal thing, and i don't think it will change...i almost have more privacy writing here than writing on paper...thanks to people like my mom and chris that go through my stuff! i need to go back to having those locked children's diaries with 6 locks on them ... lol that's what i used to do...i seriously had so many locks! in a box somewhere in the closet i have like 30 diary keys ... (yes, that's right- most likely i have a key that can open YOUR diary! lol hehehe) ...i never used to write thoughts in my old journals/diaries, i would just think my thoughts and maybe tell someone them...my diaries are full of details of old relationships [and in 9th grade when we were forced to write journals with a certain number of words, i also wrote down everything i was wearing...eyeshawdow color and all].....so basically they captured memories and not ideas....
having this online journal tends to make me write my thoughts and perceptions of things, and also allows me to ask questions and learn more about the way others think..which i love to do... i love to know what other people are thinking and the way that they think and so on....and i like to try to analyze and figure people out for some reason...
and so by typing instead of writing on paper i actually accomplish more somehow... i end up writing thoughts, opinions, experiences, and learning about other people, instead of just writing down memories...and sometimes i wish i could write more here....
i don't think i can even talk about ice cream...stupid me...i was not thinking, this post has been removed! [yeah and most of you have no idea WHAT i am talking about right now...]
so i'm doing a photoshoot for sik world on tuesday morning and i'm a bit scared...not really scared but just...um ...i dunno...i just don't know if i'll be comfortable wearing shirts like some of those ... [sorry boys, i'm only modeling shirts, i'm refusing to model underwear...!] i mean, maybe i'll be okay... it's just a bit odd, that's all...i don't know how to explain...kinda like it's 'not me' ...i know it's just a photo shoot, but i still can't help feeling a bit strange about having to wear shirts that are so blunt...
and do they pay girls for photoshoots? no, we're girls...we never get to make any money...zenaida said she's not going to do the shoot anymore, since she just found out it doesn't pay... but me?... i don't care...i'm used to getting screwed over and being underpaid and even unpaid...at least this is not real 'work' ... just a bit of my time...something to do...i think that we should get paid...but oh well. no wonder the average model only makes $15,000 per year....but really, i'm amazed they even make anything at all!
i had a really good (fun!) night last night...marcy came over to use my scanner and she brought me the p.j.'s that she had just bought me!! : ) after hanging out for a bit, we went to coffee at lulu's [and her quiet, patient, boyfriend came too] and marcy bought me flowers! and then after awhile zenaida came and met us at the coffee place and we talked for hours and hours and hours...even after the coffee place closed we talked for another two hours or so, and then i went and drove around with zenaida for a few hours.... we are all new friends, but it's so nice to have friends!!...it's been along time since i've had a good friend or people i really spend time with....it's nice how we all know what is going on in each other's lives...and how we can relate and so on...girl-friends are really great!!!...[until they backstab and betray you! lol] and last night i found out that just like alex [my ex-acting partner], i had already met marcy before this year without knowing it!!! [not again!] when talking about music in my room, we discovered that we both new this boy "scott d." and then marcy was like "oh my god! were you the one girl he talked to with blue and red hair? and matching eyelashes?!" and of course that was me...turns out she used to work with him and i had met her for a second...no one ever recognizes me! i look too different and they think i am different people or something! lol ...on the other hand, who knows why i have trouble recognizing people....
the word "slut"... if you're a girl, you've probably been called this before, and most likely for no rational reason....a story and then a point: in 8th grade my 'friends' (who really were what the world would call "slutty") started calling innocent little me a 'slut' behind my back ... i guess because i had gone out with one of their ex boyfriends for a week...which was pretty much their fault in the first place! - the girl who had gone out with him started up a game of truth or dare with just the three of us and only dared me to kiss him - my third kiss...after that we went out for a week, and then it ended because the girl made him brake up with me.... and i forever was called a slut for that, not to mention that another friend of ours went out with him right around the same time and did more than just kiss him - but of course the world is unfair!! and they still loved her! she did not get called a slut ....but yeah, and i've also been told i look like a slut because of the way i dress - totally unfair again...
...and so i've always thought "oh it's unfair that certain people are called sluts when they are not" ... but lately i've been thinking a lot about this word and the whole concept, and i think that the word 'slut' should not be used to describe anyone at all! not because it is some evil mean word or something, but because it's something that just does not really exist!! .... people should not be labeled like that.. as something "bad" for just doing what they like... if a girl has sex with a million zillion people because that is what she likes to do, although we may not want to follow in her footsteps, it is not fair or right of us to put that girl down or call her names.... in the eyes of the world it's not really socially acceptable for girls to have sex, but the more girls a boy has sex with, the better and 'cooler' he is in status. how does that one work?! boys are allowed to have sex, and girls are sluts if they have sex... boys never get labeled sluts! and if they do, it's always funny and not a bad thing...
...and here i am again, bad at putting the thoughts in my head into words....
basically what i'm trying to say is that no one should be called a slut, the entire concept of a slut should be abolished! when you look at a girl in a really short skirt you should think: "that's a cute outfit!" not: "that girl is a slut!!!" because it's absolutely insane to think like that! it does not make any sense at all, it is not rational or logical! and if a woman decides to have sex with whoever she wants to, again, she should not be called a slut. that is her own decision and she should be able to be confident in her decision and not have to feel ashamed or fear being thought as something lower than human. a girl should be able to do what she wants without being put down. and with the way our society is today, with so much casual sex, and sex as almost a social tradition, something as common as drinking a glass of wine with dinner, or even more so, it should be called "okay" ...this would definitely cut down on secrets and hypocrisy! the people that call others 'sluts' always seem to be what they would call 'sluts' themselves, they just try to hide it and put down other people instead...it sucks how female sexuality is so hidden and lied about in our culture...girls should not feel like they have to hide things.....i don't know, i'm bad at explaining things...i hope someone gets my point!
oh, and while i was looking up the 'real' definition of a slut, i found this in an essay or so: "none of the definitions indicate a number, a threshhold beyond which a woman goes from being simply sexually active to being a slut. the reason, no doubt, is because the determination that a woman is a slut is highly subjective, and she needn't even BE sexually active to be awarded with the label. she's a slut if she won't fuck you, she's a slut if she DID fuck you but had no need for you afterwards, she's a slut if she's enjoying sex more than you are, she's a slut when her skirt is too short, her shirt too tight, her lipstick too red, her mascara too dark, her sexuality too much her own. she's a slut when someone else says she is. to the women who are asking, "how do i tell if i'm a slut?," the answer that our culture gives you is that you know you're a slut if someone else calls you one. it's all about what OTHER PEOPLE think of you." this quote comes from here. the writer (as you read more), instead of wanting to abolish the word 'slut', wants to just abolish the concept and change the definition into something seen as good and powerful... probably a much better idea than simply hoping for the word to disappear...which obviously is not ever going to happen...
first impressions.... i'm curious.... before reading anything else here today, what do you think i'm like? ... when you look at me (okay if you've never ever been here before you are allowed to look at the picture pages), what do you think i'd be like in person? write everything that comes to mind... even if you have met me, tell me how you expected me to be before you met me...i really really want to know...so go and make use of the comment box and your ability to think! please?!
so i used to know myself really well... like really really really well.... i knew what i wanted, i knew what i liked and didn't like, i knew every inch of my personality.... and over the last 3 years, maybe even longer?, i've been changing ...like becoming a monster!?!? lol .... (a closet monster?! sorry, inside joke...) and i've changed so much that i have no idea who i am anymore, i am unpredictable to my own self! okay, so i knew that already, but it seems as though it gets worse and worse... today my 'friend' had me take this personality test thing, and i was shocked to find that i couldn't answer a lot of the questions! right away, starting with number one, i was like "i don't know!" ... not because "it depends" ... but because i just don't know myself anymore, i've changed ...the newest me is so unpredictable...i don't know how i am in situations anymore... there used to be a definite answer! and now there's not ... it feels like i've got multiple personalities but at the same time, or something! lol. i used to be this sweet little shy, loving, compassionate, honest, reliable, good, selfless, sympathetic, nice, caring person that was very intuitive and so on... and now it's like i'm half that, and half everything that is opposite of that... i'm selfish sometimes, mean, bitter, hateful, violent, impatient and so on... and the biggest difference to me is that i used to be predictable to myself and now i'm not .. i don't know how i'll react in certain situations, i can't even keep my own promises sometimes! 2 years ago i was supposed to marry a guy that was 25 (but looked 18!) ...i'm the one that led him to believe that i wanted to marry him, and for some reason i really thought i did! (he was perfect and i wanted to keep him/stability) but then i totally went crazy, broke my promise and broke up with him for NO good reason (except to go back out with chris for some other unknown reason) ... and that was when the unpredictable-ness began..... ever since then i always question myself... i'm not sure exactly what i want....or anything...it's like i've got the little angel devil things sitting on my shoulders shouting different things in my ears almost to the point where i'm not myself anymore! it's like "you want this" ..... "no, you want that!" ...... "do this!" ... "no, do that!" .... again and again on every subject... and it ends up most of the time that i'm left wanting two very contradicting things at once... like, for example: to marry the 25 year old guy, and to be single at the same time! a married bachelorette! and as 18th century philosopher george berkeley argues, even god cannot create a married bachelor, because the definition of a bachelor is "unmarried" and one (of course) cannot be married and unmarried at the same time, no matter what!! ... so i am way out of luck!!!! .... i often want conflicting things like that ... and i often hold two opinions on a subject that are completely opposite...maybe je suis fou!! (crazy) ...alright time to stop rambling and thinking and go to bed... thinking is very bad for you!
by the way, if anyone cares, my results to the personality test (which could be wrong because it was hard to answer the questions!) are here and also here.... oh wait, here we go: a line from the results that almost makes sense of everything: "(people like me) value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them." hahaha
how well do you know me? take my friendship test!careful some questions are tricky...think hard! oh and please put a name that i will know you by! otherwise it's just annoying and pointless ... and if you don't know me and want to guess, that's fine, but maybe put a star (*) by your name or something .... already there's an "L" and a "dont care" and i'm like "ahhhhh! who is that?!?!"
updated: Jan 8, 2:30 am if you think you know me, and you get a low score, don't worry...some questions you can only get right by thinking really hard and also by really really knowing me... which no one really does, so you are not alone!... hehehehe ...so far the people that know me best have only gotten 40, 50, and 60... a couple of them have known me for 2 and 3+ years ... although we obviously do not hang out enough...oh yeah, and my friend who went to junior high with me and part of highschool and now college only got a 30 ...
it's interesting to see how much people (don't) pay attention to other people and how much they only think they know someone and how they just go on through life assuming things about other people, never really finding the true person... okay, so i'm not only talking about the results of the friendship test thing, it's not that deep! i'm also thinking about a conversation i had with an old 'friend' today...he has always had this false impression of what he thought my personality was, and he's finally starting to realize that i've never been the type of person he thought i was....i swear, no one knows me! no one ever pays attention! they just look at me and think they know all these things about me that are sooooo off!
email addresses all blur together... i've emailed about 1,600 different people in the last year, and i can't remember most of them- because they have no face! and often no name! i think all emails should automatically include a small picture of the writer at the top - i remember things best by looking at them - like pictures/real things... sometimes i can visually remember an email address, and that's always nice, but most of the time that doesn't happen....
i met a crazy-ish 29 year old ex-punker chick today while looking for the shuttle stop at school....we had a very interesting random conversation and didn't even ask for each others names until we had talked for almost an hour! finally someone like me! LOL ...i always meet people all backwards...go deep into stories and always forget about asking basic info. like names and college majors and all the other standard things people ask...i always forget to ask those things! that's why the internet is perfect for me! haha... people can see the inside things (stories, etc.) before they see the outside of me.... oh i'm too tired to make any sense! i had to walk home partway from school (from the shuttle stop thing) so i'm tired from walking and still freezing! i'm also tired from being at school for over 8 hours!
oh and on top of everything, i feel so stupid! almost everyone in my phil 180 class could name a 20th century philospher! not me! i can tell you a few 17th/18th century ones, but that's all! and everyone in class had a book that they are currently reading ... they all knew the title and the author...but me?! no! i don't have time to read books! last time i checked it wasn't "cool" to read books... lol ...no, but seriously i have too much homework to read books ...but i feel so stupid...i used to be smart like 3 years ago! and then i just ran away from learning anything new at all! i don't even know how to type! although i'm not looking very much as i type this...i have my own way of typing! lol. i still probably only type 8 words per min. though! yeah, but anyway, i feel just so stupid... i'm good at figuring things out and that's it ... knowledge-wise i'm completely dumb! i know nothing! i feel like i know less and less everyday! my french is gone, i don't know math anymore, i don't know movie star names, i don't know the newest underground bands, i don't know how to spell anymore, i just don't know anything at all! i'm a worthless human being! i can't write papers ... i can't understand half the words i read in school books, and so on! i was trying to complain to my TA ashley about feeling dumb (i think this is my third quarter of having her as a TA) and a boy from my old acting class was like "well you didn't get into this school based on good looks...." .....but really, i'm not so sure how i got into this school anymore! i feel so stupid nowadays... stupid upper division classes! they make me feel so dumb! i've never ever felt dumb before.... only recentley...
I AM GOING TO DIE! first day of class today for me and guess what?! i have a 5 page paper due on thursday! a philosophy paper! i don't know anything about philosophy! and then i have 2 more papers in that class this quarter, and 1 paper in my other phil class, and two in another class and a 30 page play to write in my other class! I'M GOING TO GO DROWN MYSELF! i hate this! first day of class and i'm so stressed i could die! ahhhh!!!!
this might have been the way i would have ended up dressing if i had had parents and things...you know, normal-ish, and even with a coat!! (jason can laugh at this one... hehe)... and so on... (the girl with the short blonde hair - i have no idea where that hair came from, btw, is my friend lauren from when i was like 6 or 7 years old...from alaska!) ...i really wonder how i would have turned out if i had lived with my mom and not foster parents at all...i remember my mom complaining about things i wore when i was 10... she didn't want to let me wear everything i wanted to ... but actually i wore some strange things in 6th grade...i even got sent home once! lol so maybe i wouldn't dress normal...i take that back! but i would at least wear coats!
i am such a strange person...i hate everything yet i'm open-minded at the same time...however those two can go together, i don't know! the open minded thing: i was thinking about it, and pretty much anything that anyone says or does doesn't seem to shock me...like if it's something that other people would consider "odd" ... i'm just like "oh okay" and i'm fine, and i hardly even notice that it's not "normal" and i'm content, and even if it's something i hate ...i can still be content ... like bowling or going to the movies or just anything ... i can be perfectly happy if someone else wants to go...makes no sense! (except for sushi and hiking, those are NO! lol) the only thing in life that i don't hate at all is dancing... and maybe going to coffee...why i like that, i don't know....i guess i just like being around other people or something...but UCSD will be sure to end that soon! i'll soon have so much homework that i won't be able to breathe! anyone want to write all my papers for me? please? i'll give you a dollar! lol .... oh it's too hard... it's going to be too hard... no school! no! no! no! and yet again, another subject turned into a 'dreading school' post...!
it's crazy how many of us UCSD girls live with our boyfriends....it seems like every girl i meet lives with a boyfriend...i'm not even sure if i know *one* that doesn't....
not having a car of my "own" for the first day of classes is really throwing me off...i was planning to go early and buy books and put them in the car....and now i'm just lost! and two people have offered me rides to school and i've turned them down because i'm stupid and i'm going to try to fend for myself and take the hillcrest shuttle instead...which means i have to walk for like an hour to get to it in the morning and then it will take me to some random part of school and then i get to walk some more! ... and who knows how i'm getting home! hopefully it still runs at 6:30pm ...and how is chris supposed to get out car fixed without me? i'm the "keeper of the money" and he has none of it in his account! this is too stressing for me! i just feel lost.... it's that feeling you get the moment after being in a car crash... just so thrown off....grrr! why doesn't the car just fix itself?! and all my friends are out of pixie dust! :(
....oh i just gave in and decided to let my friend Zenaida take me to school! she has to go there anyways... hehe ... but i still want our car to be fixed ... waaaaaaaaah! someone with pixie dust please fix it!
okay and now i'm going to TRY to go to bed at a rational time! it feels like i'm going to bed at 6pm or something! i hate this!.... i hate school! i'm going to run away, i am, i am!
grrrr, people, if you take my poems and put them on your websites, profiles, whatever, PLEASE GIVE ME CREDIT! ...or else i will HATE you! thanks! see, like this person, they did it right! (look at the 'quote of the day' thing)
what wonderful luck i have! k, so first the website i need to get my class scedule for tomorrow is not working, and now i find that our car has broken down and is on the side of the freeway somewhere! and the hood won't even open! so much for going to school tomorrow! (or ever, because you can't miss the first day...) can't life ever be stable for just ONE MINUTE!?! grrrr!
update: okay, the site works now, and so does my printer (miricle!) but the car does not...waaaaaaaaaaaah! life is too hard! can i die now? oh and now that i can see my classes, i see that i have 6 hours straight of class tomorrow! what have i done to myself?!?! : (
so yesterday i was trying to hang out with a friend and chris decided to call me every five seconds and it was sooooooo annoying! and he wanted to know what time i would be home and on and on and on, and i was like "i don't know! i don't want to know!" it felt like he was my dad trying to make me have a curfew or something! the worst thing in the world is having a time that you are going to be home by! then you are so limited and so on...i like to be random and just do whatever is fun at the moment...i don't to have to be like "oh no, i can't do that, because i told someone i'd be home at a certain time" ...i swear i will never have freedom....there's always some kind of person trying to tell me what to do ... i just want to be a normal "adult" is that too much to ask for?!
so today chris and my mother and i went to balboa park and as we are walking to the other side of it, this random 12 year old boy runs up to chris with a rose and says "give it to her" [meaning me]... it was very odd. and then the boy disappeared... yeah and i have nothing else to write about.
thanks to "Sparktown Production" and "White Light Express" for donations over the past week!!! i also finally put up a donators page with the names of all the people that have donated.
it's so funny....[is funny the wrong word?]...my chipmunk Mia [she's really a girl, not a real chipmunk!] can always tell when a boy likes her or 'wants' her...she picks up on some kind of invisible signs or something... and then i can't ever tell if someone likes me...i'm so blind! even when i look, i can never tell! i mean i can easily pick up on clumsy evil boys plotting to try to make out with girls ... but other than that, i'm so blind!
i'll never get by in this world! i can't ever pick up on what people really mean...i expect everyone to just say what they think! life isn't supposed to be a guessing game!! i can sometimes tell what people are thinking, but it's always with things that are irrelevent...not really irrelevent, but i just pick up on things that they are not trying to tell me, like feelings and how people really are under the images that they try to hide under... but i can't for the life of me ever get 'hints' or anything....it's so frusterating! will someone please teach me how to read people?!
a blog in french, just because i can. kinda. je déteste les gens qui sont stupides. j'aime parler en français parce que c'est amusant. je ne sais pas beaucoup français. it sucks ... i really wanted to learn french and i took 3 years of it because it was required and got A's and B's but i never learned a thing! it was too messed up ...i went to too many schools and so i just stopped trying to learn. i'm very good at working very hard to get good grades in classes and not learning anything at all. lol ....i learn for the tests and then forget ... like physics, chemistry, french, i think i really knew math at one time though...but not anymore! i haven't taken math in over 3 years! but back to french - it's a worthless thing to learn anyways - no one else knows it ... i used to write my boyfriends love letters in french, but then they could never read them...stupid boys! they should have taken french! yeah, but don't take french, take mexican!! : ) (yes, i know it's called spanish, but it's funner to call it mexican ...) it's much more useful! especially if you live in CA!!... about 32.4% of CA is hispanic/latino....something like that....my old teacher said 47% but he is wrong, accorrding to the u.s. census.
actually, a (french) boy wrote me an email in french the other day, so french is a tiny bit useful...
i made myself something for once... seems like i'm always slaving away to make something for someone else and i was about to do the same again tonight ...but i changed my mind after about 20 minutes of working on it ...(so it ended up half boy-ish, half-girlish looking, which looks really cute....) i made a collage-jewelry box [out of a magazine, messy glue that wrinkled all the cut outs, and an old stationary box]...i think this is the first collage i've made in like 4 years...hehe...i did the best i could with only one old empty magizine. 
this might have been the way i would have ended up dressing if i had had parents and things...you know, normal-ish, and even with a coat!! (jason can laugh at this one... hehe)... and so on... (the girl with the short blonde hair - i have no idea where that hair came from, btw, is my friend lauren from when i was like 6 or 7 years old...from alaska!) ...i really wonder how i would have turned out if i had lived with my mom and not foster parents at all...i remember my mom complaining about things i wore when i was 10... she didn't want to let me wear everything i wanted to ... but actually i wore some strange things in 6th grade...i even got sent home once! lol so maybe i wouldn't dress normal...i take that back! but i would at least wear coats!
