Jealousy is such a strange emotion ...don't you agree? chris is out with this crystal chick again, and i can't help but be a little jealous...he's never hung out with girls the whole time i've been with him, so it's really strange for me...but of course, i hang out with boys, so i can't really say anything...but then again, i've *always* hung out with boys...when i was 5 i ran around the neighborhood with boys, when i was 11 i did, when i was 14, and so on...i had a couple girlfriends i was kinda close to at times, and at school i tended to hang out with girls more, but most of my time actually hanging out with people afterschool and stuff was spent with boys....and so it's normal for me to keep hanging out with boys....but then chris has always hung out with boys and now he's hanging out with a girl...? it's a little odd...
this is how stressed i am: i have 3 unheard voicemails (one is even from last night!), 1 unopened letter and 2 unread postcards from like last week, and 300-ish unreturned emails. i don't have time to do anything! i woke up at like 11am and still nothing gets done...i'm stressing too much about my birthday party...i did make half of my flyer-invites though...i can't finish them until i know WHERE my party will be and stuff! i can't wait until my stupid play is finished, then i can not be so stressed for a minute!! actually, after i write my play and paper, i have another paper to do, and then i also have to write the second draft of a paper and final draft of my play....and then read like 500 pages of philosophy for finals...i swear it never ends!!
last night was so fun! even though i ended up a mess... so yet another random adventure that probably only i care about, but hey, you're here, you get to read it too! you can't expect me too be deep and insightful ALL the time! god! LOL ...but yeah, so first i went to dinner with Tom, who is one of Lisa's friends that i met at Tainted Love 2 (that 80's thing i went to @ ucsd)...he took me to a really nice french restaurant called Liaison ....and i even got to drink champagne without being carded or anything ...hehe ...the times that chris and i have gone out, they've always carded him for wine... so i always fear being carded ....the champagne was really really good, and so was the food.... anyway, after dinner we went to his friend's b-day party and made an appearance, but then i had him take me home so that i could go write my play and paper....but of course, that didn't happen. lol ...I ended up going to Justin's (he is jason's friend) belated b-day party with Jason and Bianca...it was a small party, and the only other person i knew there besides those 3 was Greg, but it was definitely one of the funnest parties i've ever been to (i usually tend to get bored at parties)...i'm in love with Jason's friends.....we had so much fun being drunk together! B and i gossiped about the boys (lol) and played with a toy and pretended to smoke french fries that were actually yellow bell peppers, to see if the boys would notice that they weren't cig.s ...but by the time we actually carried out our plan, everyone had seen the us with the bell peppers and so it didn't really work...but hey, it was still fun! the five of us also drunkenly walked to 7-11 and that was fun and random too... B and I left our cups on random poles before we went in the store...i don't know, everything was just really fun, but it can't be put into words...sadly though, i had one too many drinks and got sick ....i felt like i wanted to die! last time this happened, like 6 months+ ago i felt like i never wanted to drink again, and this is the first time i've *really* been drunk since then... i guess i wasn't paying attention to how much i was drinking because i'm not used to drinking anymore...or because i didn't know that it was possible for me to get sick from too many drinks...the only other times i've thrown up from drinking where when someone made me drink when i didn't feel like drinking anymore and then once because i drank cheap vodka, and then the other time was when i drank only 2 coronas... (i'm convinced they were poisoned! lol) ...but other than that, i've had 15 drinks in a night before and was fine....(it was a long night, but still!) it gets really confusing because my "limit" always changes.... sometimes i can drink a few drinks and feel nothing ... and sometimes i can get drunk from only one drink...even if it's the same drink that didn't get me drunk or even buzzed when i had more than one of them!! it just makes no sense! and i don't drink often enough to try to figure it out... hehe...anyway, jason and B were really sweet and took care of me! Bianca sent me 2 french fries/bell peppers via Jason...and that was really sweet/cute ... :) [continuing our inside joke...] then she got me PJs to wear, so that i wasn't freezing and uncomfy in my skirt and stuff...and then Jason fed me water and talked to me and made sure that i didn't die (lol) and made me feel better....then he drove "my" car (chris's car) home for me and B followed and took him home after. As sick and miserable as i was at the end of the night, i still had tons of fun, and it was so worth it!
i have my stupid 30 page play and a 6 page paper due on tuesday! help! i can't write that much! i can't even think lately! i'm sooooo stressed! and on top of that, i have a $200 phone bill to worry about and a $300 doctor's bill and some other things that i have no money for....i'm under so much stress that i just cannot focus on homework at all...
oh yeah, and thursday i skateboarded in the rain ... teehee...that was the strangest range of emotions on that day: it went from upset to happy to depressed to happy to depressed and then i woke up.
i've never had so much fun in Hollywood before... last night jason and i drove up to LA to go clubbing...first we went to a new club called Frequency 7, and it was very clean and beautiful [it was inside a hotel], and it had the coolest little lights shining up from the dance floor, they looked like stars in the sky! then we went to Synthetic and it was sooooooooooo much better than last time...more colorful interesting people, better music (except they didn't play some of my fav. songs), better lights, and it just was overall a lot better than last time...we danced pretty much the entire time, except for when jason left me to go smoke/meet people for a bit ...but i was fine dancing alone, until i got sick of the creepy old guy that was trying to dance with me and i ran away to dance on a box...hahaha...then after it was over we went to Mel's diner and ate ...it was the cutest little 50's type place... and they had karaoke there...i should have written this down last night, it would have sounded better...
so i finally gave in and bought the avenue d. cd "bootleg" ... i really wanted the song "O-tron" and i couldn't find it in MP3 form, so i finally bought their cd online... looks as though i was only the 6th person to do so (or at least via paypal...) ..hehe ... i just got the cd today in the mail...totally hand shipped and the return address said "debbie" ....how cute :)
Jason and I are being rockstars and going dancing in hollywood tonight : ) hehehe....i'd invite my other friends, but they always say "no" ...so i give up...it's pointless to ask them out.
denali rocks my socks!! yeah...or something like that. so i just got back from seeing Denali at Off the Record...and they were soooo awesome! i normally don't really like girl singers, but this band is one of the ones that can pull it off, and they were even better live than they are recorded! Maura's voice was hauntingly beautiful and i literally got goosebumbs when they played their last song which was just Maura singing and like one other instrument...it was sooo pretty!
i first heard of denali about a year and a half ago, when Robbie (who i met on lipstickparty) told me to download them because i'd like them because i guess he thought we kinda sing the same...
talking is absolutely pointless, unless it makes you FEEL better (or makes someone else feel better), in which case it fixes something, at least for the moment. but other than that, without feeling, talking is worthless and pointless and a waste of time. if it doesn't do something to you emotionally, than it just sucks. it should make you feel happy or satisfied or less sad, or some kind of feeling that makes you feel better than you were before....
what does it feel like to feel excited about something? i don't think i've ever really understood that emotion. i feel kinda apathetic about pretty much everything, to some extent.
and suddenly it was cold
suddenly i felt all alone
and the people that were there
didn't seem to count
and there was nothing
there was no one
just like before, just like before.
once i actually get my stupid degree from stupid UCSD, i think i'm going to take classes at community colleges for fun. that way i will actually be able to learn something for once and i won't be all stressed out over grades and stuff...like i want to take art classes and learn french and spanish. things like that. without the pressure of worrying about grades and having too many classes at once, i'll actually be able to learn things...
it's the wrong way to go, i know.
nothing has ever been so clear
going so far in the wrong direction
fighting against the tide
against the world, against myself
fighting so hard, all for the wrong thing
murdering everyone around me
pushing everything good away
as i'm bathing in the wrong water
spending time in the wrong dream
taking what isn't mine to take
and in the end, i know if i go too far
this wrong direction will lead me to nothing
i miss my cat. :( i had a dream that my cat came home and was meowing at the door, like he used to. where is my cat?! of course, with my luck the moment i actually started to really love my cat, he disappeared. my cat and i were friends, and now he's gone. i've never had a cat like him before.... he was really smart and i would meow to him and he would meow back, like we were talking...and he would come tell me to feed him or turn on the tap water for him, or he would come sit on my lap and wrap his paw around my arm...he would actually hug me...normal cats don't do that! and he would purr and he would come sit at my feet when i was on the computer sometimes and look up at me through the glass...or he would come sit on the desk and watch me type and try to get my attention and get me off the computer...he was the first cat i had in over 8 years, after years of not being allowed to have a cat while i was in foster homes...i want my cat back!
her voice enchanting you
and you thought you'd try to take more
the girl ever so unsuspecting
but wanting just the same thing
and you pounced on your prey
but she got away
and another word of the subject
was never spoken.
this one's just a simple little electro/synthpop song i wrote:
power struggle
it's the same old power struggle
the game is in my hands now
but everytime i show you too much love
i give it all away
and you get the control and use it too
back and forth
this stupid power struggle
the relationship game
one way i'm hurt and you've got my strings
the other way i've got the power
to do everything but show my love to you
it's the same old power struggle
the game is in my hands now
but everytime i show you too much love
i give it all away
and you get the control and use it too
this stupid power struggle
jason just pointed out to me that i've been anti-social for at least an entire week now! i need to get out of this house and away from writing this play before i go insane!!
awww look: dead chretiens interview ... the first part of this is extremely funny, and at the end they mentioned me, their punk rock model! hehe ...thanks you guys! <3
i wrote this in my notebook at school today: i spent most of my life being quiet. watching people. listening to people. people would tell me their secrets, and i would keep them. i didn't really ever say anything much. i felt as though i was outside their world, looking in - i have never been a part of this world...i have lived inside my own dreamworld; lived inside my head with my thoughts, but i've never really felt like i was a part of the action that was going on around me at the moment. maybe it's part of being an only child-- yes i have some step and half brothers, but i didn't live with them. i grew up in my own little world. i had neighborhood friends i played with, but for the most part i don't think i ever really connected with them. they played their little games, and i always felt old inside - i was always inside my head, thinking. i was with them, but at the same time i was somewhere else. looking back, i wonder if they ever thought things...it really doesn't seem like it - it seems like they were just children caught up in the fun of their games...how it should be...i never realized i was a child. ever. i always felt old. i never knew i could have gotten away with things because i was a "child" ...but yeah, still, when i look at people, i wonder if they think...does anything go through their heads other than what is happening to them at the moment, or what they saw on TV, or what they are going to do with their friends this weekend? sometimes it feels like they don't.
Lately i've been trying to fit in with that world, trying to "get it," trying to repress all the thoughts in my head and go along with what's going on at the moment...and for about a month, i was doing fine...living in the moment...i was excited to meet new people, i actually wanted to meet even more people, i was wanting to learn to spin, to start a band, to do all this stuff that's somewhat meaningless (like Life), i was learning to become interested and involved in shallow conversation; for once in my life i was actually "in" what i had always watched, for a minute i was successfully distracted from my problems adn the fact that life is completely pointless.
and i don't know what happened, but i just don't feel like that anymore. i've had enough. i just can't keep up with that way of life...i can't stay in that world. the shallowness of everything makes me just want to kill myself. the meaningless chatter, no one really cares about anyone else, they don't even listen, and it just goes on and on and on, until again ifind myself only watching these people, listening, looking out at them through my eyes from inside this body, and my head wants to spin, and it just gets to be too much and i don't even want to listen anymore! [and me not wanting to listen is the strangest thing, because i always listen to everyone no matter what, because people need to be listened to.] and i feel dead. and depressed, and alone...and quiet...i don't want to talk, i don't feel like talking, and it feels as though everything is just an immense waste of time...and it's boring too. i am bored out of my mind by these useless words they speak that mean nothing to anyone. and i hate people, and i hate this world and i don't belong here and i don't want to belong here...and so on. yeah, so that's how i fall into depression. and after that stage it usually gets worse...it gets to the point where i can't even chase after my own dreams, because they seem so meaningless and pointless, such a waste of effort...why? why? why? why should i waste my time and energy and put effort into something when i am just going to die in the end?????!???? when we leave this world, no matter where we go, we do not take anything with us. our accomplishments become meaningless. life is just a waste of time, worthless, pointless. i need to have reason for doing things. i can't just go through life doing things without reason, without purpose. i just can't get wrapped up in this meaningless world. i try, but i just can't...i just don't "get it"...it's all so dumb and pointless. it's hollow and empty. i want something more meaningful.
writing stuff in this online journal, where at least one person reads it, seems much less pointless than writing it in a paper journal where no one will ever see it. i guess i hope that somehow it's helping someone. some people have emailed me and said that it does help them......chris used to get all my thoughts. in letters mainly. now i write them for you guys instead. chris and i used to have the best emotional connection ....i don't think i will ever find that with anyone else ever again...i'm begining to think that maybe i just imagined it in the first place...who knows....
i can't fight it anymore. i really do need to get a little journal to carry around. i'm constantly writing all over my notebooks and books...thoughts, poems, all sorts of stuff...it would make more sense if they were in *one* place...i just can't seem to find the perfect journal...it has to be lightweight and artsy and mysterious...i can't seem to find one of those though :(
it's just hopeless! so i stayed in this weekend: saturday, sunday, and today...so that i could get some stuff done, mainly write my 30 page play and read...but no, of course, i got none of that done!! i did get some letters written that i needed to send out in the mail, but only some and not all...i got stamps finally, cleaned, bought food, made reservations for vegas, sent out a few emails (only 250 more to go! ha! lol), registered for classes (which took hours and hours today), and some other stupid little things that i needed to get done, but i just can't seem to do the big stuff...it's just too overwhelming, i'm too tired, i don't want to, and i'm not inspired! i just want to go outside and play! i hate school!
San Diego People...help! help! help! i still need to find a place to have my birthday party at!! and fast! i need to send out inviations like NOW. i wanted like a club/wherehouse type place that's owned by someone i know so that all my little friends that are 16 to 20 can come too...anyone know of any places???...i wanted to have dancing.... yeah, so please help!!
this sucks!! i wrote something and blogger lost it! so let me try to recreate it, but now it won't be worded as good....stupid blogger!
it's not crazy if it has a reason behind it! yeah, that's what i think...things that seem crazy or irrational to other people, but actually have a reason behind them, what do they say "a method to the madness?", are actually not crazy at all ...like this journal design, for example. there's a reason that i make you scroll over to be able read it. there's a reason that it's exactley the width that it is. just like everything else i do, it was carefully thought out. (yeah! that's why it takes me so long to design things! lol) i didn't realize it until now, but i think that really almost everything i do, even when it seems obsure and random to other people, is actually carefully planned out. chances are, whatever it is, i've looked at both sides of it, looked at the consequences and so on...i don't think i ever make any sort of descion without thinking about it first...or even over-thinking it. lol ...it's fun when people question my actions, because then i get to see all the thoughts that i have to defend them with....and often i've forgotten that there ever was a reason for my actions...it's always nice to see that as crazy as everything looks, it's really all controlled and planned out, just under the surface...
yeah, so this didn't come out the same as when i wrote it the first time...stupid blogger! i hate you! lol
i'm not learning anything in school, but i'm learning so so so much in life lately...i must finally be growing up...i delight in all the things that i'm learning...
i found a list of goals and some stuff that i wrote (on paper!) right before my birthday last year...so i guess i felt the same back then as i do now...it says "i'm so overwhelmed with undone homework, missed classes, papers and stress. My 20th birthday is in 7 days but i'm too stressed to think about it. i feel so tired, like i'm dying" then the goals were: catch up w/homework, don't stress, sing, dress up 24/7, acting, design clothes, raves/clubs/shows, listen to music, relax...those might seem like strange goals...but i was such a work-a-holic and all i ever did was homework and try to do homework last year (oh yeah, and stupid webdesign!!)....i swear i even went through a phase where i was too busy to even listen to music! it was really horrible...so my goals were/are the opposite of most people: to do what i WANT to do, instead of just doing what i *need* to do...it's always been hard for me to do what i *want* to do, when i have things that i *need* to do that aren't done... i was always the child that came home from school and did all her homework (on her own!) and THEN went out and played ... i don't like to have things hanging over my head! it stresses me out and overhelms me! i like to get things over with and then feel "free" ... yeah but so when college came along, they actually give us more work than there is time, and it's impossible to do it all, in most cases...so i would do homework when i got home from school, and then just never ever be done, so i never ever got to go out! last year i went dancing under 7 times!! and i never saw my friends at all, never went to shows, never went anywhere .... so when i do hang out with someone or go have fun instead of staying home doing homework, it's actually a *good* thing!! but so yeah ... those goals i had: ... i think the catch up with homework and the don't stress ones are impossible.... the singing one i'm working on slowly....too slowly, because i still feel like i don't have time for a band, but i am thinking about it more lately, because it's what i want to do the most, besides go out dancing. the acting one i definately don't have time for (what a useless theatre major i am!!) the dressing up 24/7 one ...hmmm.... i'm getting a bit better with that, but there are still too many days i go without brushing my hair or wearing makeup...i'm trying to get back to how i was before i was 16, when i'd wear a "cute" outfit everyday, brush my hair everyday, and wear makeup every (school) day. let's see...i've definately been listening to more music this year, i'm finally getting back to the point where i can do homework AND listen to music at the same time, but it's still kinda hard (one of the group homes i lived in screwed me up with the whole music thing...) ...and i'm going to more clubs lately, so that's really good... but that whole goal of relaxing is never going to happen!! i just can't keep from stressing out when i have so much homework that's not done... and the design clothes one is just too hard for right now...i was working on a website for my clothing company this summer and i bought some blank shirts that i was going to do things with just to have something to sell right away...but that's as far as i got ... oh yeah and i sketched out a lot of designs and i tryed to find some buyers, but i didn't try very hard...i only emailed a couple people...but i had two plans: to sell my stuff as custom stuff on my website...like made to order stuff, but based on samples of stuff i've made/would make... and then i also wanted to get some buyers and then get my stuff made by someone else (cuz that's how they do it)...but i don't want to do that until i have buyers, obviously..... yeah, so that goal was too time consuming so i stopped with that one....i just have to wait until i get done with this stupid college and then i can finally start living the way i want to, and going forward in life...college is such a waste of my time! but i guess it will be good to have a degree anyway. but really, college is only torture to me...keeping me from reaching my dreams...taking up my time, stressing me out, causing me to not sleep, and so on....
i'm so jealous of chris! i really wanted these center lo's (PF flyers) from Mint and i finally went to buy them (3 months later) and they don't carry the ones i want anymore!! they only had one pair left and they were the wrong size and wrong color... (red, not black) ...they were on sale for only $29 (!!!) and they fit chris, so i bought them for him...and now he gets to look all cute and not me!! lol ... i'm really disappointed... i wanted to buy them and wear them dancing this friday...i had an outfit all picked out and everything!! stupid mint!! now i'll have to dance barefoot! (lol) i can't believe they just decided to stop carrying them! like last week they sent back all the ones in this style... how annoying!! and the girl at Mint says that no one else in san diego carries PF flyers, so i guess i'll have to go to one of these stores (there are only 2 in all of southern CA! both in LA)...great. that means i just won't ever get the shoes then. grr. how annoying, of course i would choose to like shoes that are impossible to find!
god what a fucked up country (or is it world?) we have! success is determined by appearing on the cover of a (fashion) magizine...that's insane...our society is too based on looks and on beauty and things that shouldn't matter...it is what makes our economy work though...people constantly buying new clothes and make up, new furnature; anything to make themselves look better, to beautify their lives, or to show off...i mean i guess it's good that we are able to do this, and we are not just starving to death, hoping to just stay alive (like the middle ages or something), but it's still so stupid that beauty is even something we notice or care about ... so many times have i heard "oh i don't want to date him, he's ugly!" but really...who is to say that anyone is ugly?? i think everyone is beautiful...unless they are ugly on the inside, and then that can make the "prettiest" person physically look ugly to me... but yeah, no one is ugly, just because someone doesn't look like a movie star or model, doesn't mean that they are ugly...people are beautiful in different ways...they don't have to look plastic or not have freckles to be beautiful...it's just crazy that this world even places such a high value on beauty...like girls not wanting to date guys based soley on their looks...the boys could be perfect underneath but the girls would never even see it because they were too focused on society's view of what external beauty is...
rain is so strange, when you really think about it... it's water falling out of the sky...how random is that?!! it's raining today again ... i haven't gone out and played in the rain in sooooo long...i've been too busy, too tired, and too cold ...i guess i've been letting myself get old ... how terrible. i remember walking home from school in junior high one day and my guy friends and i completely soaked each other by splashing in puddles and stuff...it was the funnest thing ever...when i got home my shoes were filled with water, my pants weighed a thousand pounds and all the letters in my backpack had gotten wet...but it was so worth it...
so chris and i finally saw the butterfly effect today... it was actually pretty good...not "scary" like tiffany said it was, just kinda interesting and then disturbing at times ... the only thing wrong with it was the ending. although it was not a "happy" ending, it was still too close to a happy ending and i think that it should have had a french ending instead...like a very unexpected, unhappy ending... it just would have been a little better that way ...
it's just not the same anymore! so after over 3 months, i finally got to go back to synthetic!! it had been waaaaaaaaay too long... i danced and danced and danced for 3 hours straight ...but just something felt wrong ... a few dumb mainstream people appeared towards the end of the night, the regulars i actually remember weren't there... and the music wasn't as familar ... maybe it was just a tonight kind of thing, i don't know... i mean there were 20 or less familar songs, but all the indie and stuff they used to play wasn't there anymore (i think maybe they moved it to the other room...) but maybe it was only for tonight, because the email did say "room 1: NY style electroclash" ...i dunno ... i still had fun...i just long for perfection...i really need to have my own club or be a DJ or something!! ... anyways i finally got the courage to dance on a couple of the boxes ... i've always done that at pretty much any club i've been to, but for the first time i felt completely comfortable at synthetic ...i think i spent about an hour dancing on a box, because chris did his stupid thing of refusing to dance halfway through the night....at least this time he didn't feel sick or have a hurt foot or some other dumb thing (no, i don't feel sorry for him, he ALWAYS has something wrong with him when we go dancing and makes me dance alone...) yeah but anyways i think i almost have more fun dancing by myself ... i get lots of space to move around and i seem to dance better that way ... maybe i'll start going dancing by myself when no one wants to go... i don't know ... it's just no fun to dance with someone who isn't having fun ...which makes girls and gay guys the best people to dance with (AKA people who LOVE dancing), in most cases. veronica, brittany, and marcy are the funnest girls i've danced with ... (and maybe michelle, if i'd ever actually get to see her!!!) we have some weird connection when we dance which makes it extra fun....
things they played tonight that i actually know the name of : blue monday by new order, boys and girls by blur, bandages by hot hot heat, frank sinatra by miss kittin, orgasmatron by ave. d, sex dwarf by soft cell, fucking on the dance floor by dirty sanchez, satisfaction by benny b., showgirls by miss kittin, emerge by ficsherspooner, deceptacon by le tigre, seventeen by ladytron, a mix of that milkshake song...and yeah that's all i can name...but i recogized a few others....
is it legal for the girl who has no TV to quote a tv show?? hehehe.... "girls tell each other everything. i mean EV-REY-THING!!!" said someone on Friends... and i was thinking, and they really, really do...but not me...i think i tried that once, in letter form, in like 8th grade....but that was about it...then i got a journal...and then i got a brain! even better storage for memories! LOL ...but yeah...i dunno...i was just thinking about it and as "open" as i seem, there are just so many things i don't say...somethings you just keep to yourself, at least when you're me...i've tried a couple times to say more than i normally would, and it always just ends up in the head or mouth of another person that i *didn't* tell...and when that happens, it makes me want to say even less...
another thing that makes me not want to talk, or even exist, is when the people i'm with are talking badly about someone else...i mean maybe i do it too at times, but i never really mean or think what i say...i just get into moods where i criticize things to death (like DJ's ...hehehe...), but that doesn't mean that i don't like them, it just means i feel like complaining...haha ...but yeah, when people are like "oh god that girl in class had such a dumb painting!!..." it makes me not want to hang out with those people, or even exist, because that means there's a good chance they'll do that to me too... how comforting!!
i was also going to say "yay! i might get to see michelle tomorrow at synthetic!!" but then my mom called and our laughter turned to her not understanding me and yelling at me and then me hanging up oh her... that is not my mother...she's changed ... everyone always changes and goes away.... once upon a time we had the most perfect relationship...even better than best friends! ... and we understood each other , always. and we never ever fought, we had magic...and now she's dead and i just want to die. STUPID FUCKING GOVERNMENT! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! AMERICA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! how dare they take me away from my perfect mother, from my HAPPY life!! and look what they've done to me...look what they've done to *us* .... we are both ruined!!!... YOU DON'T JUST TAKE CHILDREN AWAY FROM THEIR PARENTS WHEN THERE IS NOTHING WRONG!!! so badly would i LOVE to sue the hell out of orange county for ruining my life and emotionally damaging me!!!! but, i am too weak and tired to even try to call a lawyer....
well, that sure was a waste of time and money!! oh wait, i didn't pay for it, and i HAD to see it for school...Yeah, so i saw the play Eurydice [Eur - rid - is - see] tonight, which after READING it (yes! i actually got some reading done!), was GREAT, and i was EXCITED to see it... but noooo....they had to go and ruin it and make it suck!
when i read it (this morning...lol), the characters were so childlike and in love, they were SO me and chris 5 years ago... but then the actress they chose to play Eurydice was some chick that had a deep voice and was way too womanly. and their love was not portrayed right at all...the actors didn't capture the deepness, or the intenisity, or the innocence of the love the characters had for each other ... i dunno ... the production just SUCKED! ...i mean the set was cool and all, but just AHHH! that lead girl actress just missed the whole concept! it's like reading a really great book and then seeing the movie they made based on it and you're just like "this is not right!!! this sucks!" you know?
no, no, no ... see, it doesn't work like that... (in response to your comments from the last post) you can't just go get "help" as though it were something you pick up at the grocery store! i mean, maybe some of you can benefit from talking to therapists and things, but not me!! i confide in friends and people instead... people that are actually partially sane.... you know, as the therapists i was forced to go to told me, all therapists are just fucked up people themselves and that's what makes them go into that field ...
but yeah, i've managed to be my own therapist for the last almost 21 years and i've managed to stay sane, get straight A's in highschool, never do drugs, and so on, all while being miserable and much much much more depressed than i am now, all on my own, so i think i'll be just fine without listening to all that psycho babble. i've managed to outsmart every therapist i've ever been to...tricked them into thinking i was not depressed ... the goal: not to be FORCED to take med.s, like all the other poor children...but yeah, i don't believe in medicine, and psychologists are just SO not for me...i could BE one, but other than that, i don't believe in that stuff either ...
all i need is rest. lots and lots of rest and free time to think and to paint and stuff...and if i'm going to be talking to someone, i need to talk to some wiseman on the mountain type thing, or God and get all the answers to the things i wonder... the meaning of life and so on....a dumb psychologist that's no smarter than me could definitely not help me with that!
yesterday i felt as though the entire weight of the world and more was on my shoulders and that if i stopped to breathe for a second that i would have collapsed into tears...was that english? sometimes i just feel so terrible .... i can only live this way for so much longer before i completely brake down ...i just need to rest ....there are too many problems, too many things to think about, my cat is still missing, my mother is asking for money again, homework is surrounding me, school is overwhelming me, people keep wasting my time, and i'm just soooooo tired and all these things i've been through in the last 9 years are still all pushed down inside of me...i feel weak ....i just need to cry and sleep forever....
hey look! i'm a punk rock model! LOL! so they put my pix up ..... Dead Chretiens it's kinda funny, i match their site! and so does my couch! ... that wasn't intentional ... i told them i'd take some better pictures for them later, but now i'm starting to think that maybe those ones will do...since they match so well! hehe
most people spend a lot of time trying to impress people....don't they? with their music, and their clothes, their job, their college, their band, their status, their intelligence, all the neat things they go do, and on and on and on... i, on the other hand, for some reason...do my best to talk people out of thinking i'm great at all..."no, i just have songs, i don't really sing...and i don't have a band or anything" ..."yeah, i kinda do webdesign a little" ... "i don't really know how to dance" ... "i'm not photogenic" ... "i'm dumb... they just let me into ucsd somehow..." ... "i'm not really a model, i just have done a tiny bit of modeling..." and on and on and on ... i could SO totally look better than i really am, if i wanted to... i could say "yeah, i'm a singer and a model and a webdesigner and i go to ucsd..." i could so fool people into thinking that i was "something"...but i just see no need for it... i'm not going to say i'm anything until i really, really am. maybe that's why i've never accepted any lables...i never considered myself to be in the scenes enough to call myself anything ... not a raver, not a punker, not a skater, not emo, not gothic, not a hipster or a scenester ... nothing... and its also a lot of pointless effort to try to conform to lables ... but yeah this isn't about lables... this is about showing off...why do i try so hard to make myself look like nothing??? i guess it's just part of the being too honest thing.... hehehe
wow i am so so so so incredibly honest and open, even with complete strangers... yeah, i knew this already, i'm just shocked by the realization of just how open i really am. i love it. i love not hiding anything, not pretending at all, not trying to fit in, not trying to be cool, not trying to impress anyone....it's just absolutely wonderful....especially because when you are open about who you really are, people tend to accept you more, as opposed to you having these deep dark secrets that you hide and then when they find out or you finally tell them they are like "ooohhh you're a hypocrite. we hate you." or something like that...people tend to judge you more when you hide things.
anyway, so i hung out with Sarah again today... we went to study philosophy on the 11th floor of muir... well... we hung out for maybe 3 hours and got through only like 3/4 of a page! LOL! so much for that! we just talked and talked instead ... which is actually really good, because i haven't been talking much lately...something about philosophy gives me energy somehow and makes me think about all kinds of things...i'll be reading and a word will spark a thought...and again and again...yeah, but anyway, it's soooo nice talking to Sarah ... she's so understanding and accepting and smart and we've both had the same boyfriends (on and off) since we were 15 ... only she's 22...so that means she's been with her boy a bit longer....but yeah, so much for studying!!...talking about evil boys and life and depression and the meaning of life is just so much more fun!
let's see .... you asked me what i wanted for my birthday ...ummmm... let me be difficult! a car, an iPOD (for my car that you guys are getting me, of course! lol), umm... a vintage 50's-ish light yellow summer dress that i can picture in my head that has to exist somewhere, records - but only cool ones, MAC eyeshawdow in the brightest colors they make, a couple of slaves and a cook, a club and coffee shop of my own to design and own, a million dollars or two, a $3,000 bubble chair, a house, more TIME, A's in school without homework!, my cat back!, my family back, ummm ... yeah....
...so i don't really have time to think about *reasonable* things that i want... but if anyone wants to get me a car... lol ...yeah i'm dreaming, i know...
studying? what's that?! so i went to lulu's tonight with marcy to study and i didn't get a thing done! she bought me coffee and we shared a sandwich and then she had the internet boy she's been talking to come to meet her for the first time, so we got distracted by him... they both had their laptops w/wireless internet, (he does networking and this other computer stuff for a living) so that was another distraction...stupid computers! i just can't get away! haha... the guy was so sweet! he brought us *both* gummy bears! hehe ... i hope marcy decides to date him! he seems like he'd be a really good person for her...yeah so i didn't get any studying done but i did manage to steal a little energy from them so now i'm not quite as depressed ...
i was too intimidated by all the ditzy soroity girls to enter the 80's costume contest on thursday...if Marcy had been there, i would have... and i also almost did with the girl tamara, but we ended up slowly sneaking off the stage instead.... anyways, all of the guys from the ucsd DJ club (the people putting on the event) kept saying that i would have been the winner and that i should've entered! they said i was their real winner. anyway they had taken my picture for their website, and i just found the picture and guess what they named it?!?! "firstplace.jpg" isn't that cute?! i didn't even have to enter the contest to win! haha (oh yeah and i look soooo terrible in that picture!! that's what i look like after 40 hours without sleep! lol ...god i hope i don't look that bad!! i'm just not very photogenic ...i only look decent in like 1 out of 10 pictures or so)
so chris says that he didn't get me a valentine's day present because it's such a "halmark holiday" and dumb and pointless, yet he gives me a red rose and a card and then bought a gift bag and gave me a box of candy hearts in that ...aside from the candy hearts not being chocolate, can you get anymore halmark than that?!?! and who spends $3 on a gift bag without a gift!?!! lol ...i guess i understand though...i didn't feel like getting him anything either...i still did though...
so we went out to breakfast today and things were going somewhat fine and then we came home and he started playing guitar while i had on music and it just crumbled from there, that wasn't even an issue though, for once.
"i don't love you" and then there were tears.
that's really nice to say to someone who has given you everything...of course he didn't mean it, he meant that FINALLY he has fallen out of love with me, after 5 years ... i can't believe he was ever in love with me for that long!!! i haven't been in love with him for over 4 years (read: i feel married). that "in love" feeling always fades away GUARENTEED...and it usually fades after a few months..a year or two if you are lucky. then after that, you are left with either nothing or real "love" which is the same kind of love that family members feel for each other and things...but that "spark" and that feeling that everyone mistakes for love, is NOT love, and it fades and it dies and you better make sure you have something deeper than that or you are building your relationship on something like clouds that will eventually disappear and everything will come crashing down...
hahahahahaha! this was so funny i had to make a post about it, in my comments, "Gemma" says: "um.. 'you normal people'..? so you think your superior to us or something?!" yes, that's exactley it! you got it! LOL ... no i mean you normal people as in not overly insecure, not overly sensitive, not crazy, not over thinking things, and other things like me...and if you want to call that superior then i don't think you are normal... LOL yeah, i'm running on no sleep again, so i might not make sense! yeah, so just read heather's comment instead. lol
it could just be a miricle! after exactley 3 months of being dead, i FINALLY have new pictures! they are for the dead chretiens website, because i am their punk rock model!! haha, how cool is that? that's almost like a contridiction or what's the word i want? these pix are only drafts for now ... i had to send the poor boys *something* ...i've been lagging for like 2 months now...hopefully they still love me...oh yeah and these pix were taken after going to see some plays and then dancing and then some time on the computer, so i was really tired, and my makeup's kinda smeared from tears...but i just had to take the pictures so that i can stop worrying about it every second!!
dearest beautiful readers, thank you for all of your sweet and wonderful comments and compliments...i only need 353,454,345,523 before i can be confident about my singing! lol ...but seriously, what you guys say affects me ... like one person once said "i like your site, etc, but i can't say the same about your music" and that just negated almost all of the positive comments i've ever gotten about my singing (yeah, all 5 of them! lol)... you guys are lucky you get to hear me sing at all... in real life, i've only sang in front of about 5 people (other than one time when i was 9)... you know that whole singing a radio song randomly that you normal people do? or singing in the shower thing? i don't do those. I'm lucky if i can even sing in front of myself! i am *that* insecure about my singing!!!!
where am i going to dance when i turn 21?!?! so we had to put up a fight to let me into vice versa again without an ID ... they said i can't come back without an ID again ... and so when i turn 21, they are going to remember me and kick me out for lying the last two times!!! and that's the best club that san diego has ...!! i've decided that i'm going to be a DJ, because i'm so picky that i hate 1 out of 3 songs that any DJ plays ... i expect all songs to be perfect!!!! haha ... god, if i was a DJ i would play the same set everytime and then everyone would i hate me!! hehee ... i dunno ... i just have this strange love for the mixes of songs that my LA clubs play ...like the cure and the clash and duran duran and so on with NO madonna and NO micheal jackson and NO stupid "old people" sounding songs (at club BANG!)... yeah i like madonna and stuff, but it's just too cheesy 80's feeling for me ... and then at synthetic it's peaches, ave. d, ficsherspooner, le tigre, soft cell, dirty sanchez, and just a lot of stuff that *goes together* really super well... all stuff that has good beats and i never feel like not dancing to a song except when they play the e-clash version of "hott in here" because i refuse to dance to hip hop! but actually, i confess, i've danced to a mix of that milkshake song ... i need to stop being so hateful and critical and picky... i'm in one of those phases ... the funny thing is that while i can totally bash something, i still can tolerate it really well if there's nothing better at the moment...
i just noticed that i live my life waaaay too focused around other people...doing things to be there for them, trying to be on time for them, not doing things that i wanted or needed to do for them, and so on...at one point i even thought "maybe i'll stay in san diego for my friends instead of moving to LA like i had planned to" ...how stupid of me! maybe one day i'll learn to be a smarter person (read: selfish) i think i'm learning a little, but not enough ...i always care WAY too much about other people and other people's feelings ... i always try to do everything i can to help other people ...i give them my time, my energy, everything... and i'm sure it's all just pointless somehow ... i should just live for me and do what i want and not care about other people ... it's not like even half of them *care* about me or my feelings ... i'm trying to live in the moment lately, ignore the bad qualities that people have, pretend that shallowness doesn't bother me....i'm trying to trick myself into thinking that this world isn't meaningless, i'm trying to convince myself that everything i accomplish or do here matters even though it doesn't really matter...i need to get to the point where i'm sooo tricked into thinking that things in this life matter that i am motivated to follow my own dreams...like right now, i could so start up a clothing company if i wanted to, or just whatever, i know that whatever i try hard enough to do, i can do...but i just can't find a *reason* to do so. so what if i have my own clothing company? what's that going to give me? not happiness ... so i just can't see the reason ....even if i made money, that doesn't seem worth the effort either ....in the end we will all be dead, and everything we've accomplished will be gone, just one big waste of time...and at times, that is all i can see. it keeps me from moving forward in this life...i need reason to do things....most people try to look cool and important and rich and have status... but that life doesn't appeal to me ...those people don't appeal to me...yeah i want a big pretty house that i design myself, but i'd be just as happy where i am now...
why do i feel so depressed today? i was fine until i went to go see the plays that Marcy did the set design for earier tonight....i think maybe the way heated political argument i had with chris in the car led to the apathetic way i feel now...
i went out dancing all by myself last night! be proud of me...that's hard to do! anyway so i was walking to class with marcy and i see this pink flyer that says "tainted love" so i went to go look at it and it said "eletroclash" from 10-11 and we looked at the date and it said feb. 12th, so marcy was like "let's go!!" and so we made plans and etc, etc. when i was all ready and almost out the door, i found a message from marcy saying that she had a soriety meeting thing and wouldn't be done till later, but that she was still going to be done by 10, she just wouldn't have time to dress up...i tried calling her to make sure we were still going, because it was like 9:45, but no answer!! i finally decided that i didn't care if she showed up, that i would just go by myself if i had to! so i got there, parked, and then stood outside the bar/club place for at least 15 minutes trying to convince myself to go in all alone. i *thought* i could do it, but it was an on-campus place, which meant lots of scary ucsd people!! a normal club would have been easy to at least *go in* to, but this one was really hard!!! too many people dressed all boring, even though it was an 80's dress up event with a costume contest, and of course, at least for the moment, i was over-dressed. so i finally went in and the dance floor was big and almost empty, so i just stood alone by the wall with my cell phone in my hand hoping that marcy would call and also hoping that someone would adopt me and dance with me! i thought of trying to go up to people and make friends, but i'm way too scared to do things like that! so after about 5 minutes that felt like 20 minutes, a boy named Mark came and adopted me and introduced me to all his friends (which was like everyone there! lol) and so i danced with them. then i invited a girl named tamara that was dancing all alone to come dance with us also. it turns out that the DJ that i had come to see for the electroclash music was this girl Lisa that i hung out with around the time i decided raves were beyond dead!! it was really confusing though because she graduated last year and this was a ucsd DJ club event so i was like "that can't be the same lisa!" but they said that she used to (still does) spin happycore, so i was like, okay that has to be her! what was even stranger was that the people i was dancing with were her friends too! as soon as she stopped spinning and i had danced to one more song with tamara, i went to go find her. she still remembered me and we chatted for awhile about all the people we both know that i haven't seen in awhile and blah blah blah... then Jason calls me and i'm telling him how i ran into this girl lisa, and it turns out that Jason and his friends know lisa too! what a small world! it seems like everyone that knows anything about electroclash all know each other in some way! it also seems like everyone that was into happycore or happyhardcore now spins or likes electro instead... and those of us who have been into both kinda unite the rave people with the electroclash people. it's so fun to run into people you know at clubs! at raves you *expect* to run into people you know, you almost plan to, but with clubs it's never been that way for me until lately...but so yeah...i talked to lisa and mark and tom and some other random people the rest of the night....
i don't care who i have to kill to get there, i am going to synthetic next friday!!! i haven't been to my own favorite club since November 14th...that is THREE months! that is LAST YEAR! I want to go every week, not every 3 months! what kind of favorite club is that?!?!!?! yeah, so i swear i'm going to be pulling hair or buying a gun or *something* and someone is going with me!!! there is no more choice in this matter! dictator may has spoken! LOL
by the way, Hi Heather, Jade, Dan, and all you other internet people that i haven't had time to email back in awhile!!! <3 kisses! email is just too overwhelming...there are just too many!! and they never stop! if i return them, i just get another one! and it goes on and on forever!!!
if i don't find my cat, i'm going to cry and brakedown and go crazy! nope. too late! i'm already in tears...i can only hold things in for so long... i want my cat!! where is my cat?!?! :(
thinking of Mia a lot lately ... mia and i at the cliffs talking for hours under the moon watching the waves, mia and i watching the sunset on the 11th floor of muir...mia and i exploring ucsd buildings at night...feeding chipmunx (squirrels) at the beach - mia with a towel over her head....
i feel like we are getting old now...growing up too fast and losing what we had...would we still be able to explore buildings if we tried? would it be no fun now? have we gotten older than 5? life feels too shallow without the childish fun...
okay children, copy me! i downloaded itunes which they make for PC's now and i never knew until Jason told me...and yeah, itunes is the coolest thing ever, so go download it ...it makes listening to music so much easier....
ripping my life to shreads
because i thought it would be fun
to trample on
all the people that i really love.
and what's the point
of being able to see the future
when i no longer care about the end
keep ignoring the signs.
this wine is bitter
there is no happy ending
when everything is destined to change
the lesser of two evils.
and there isn't a love song in this world for you
there isn't a feeling that could last that long
in the end it always ends
there hasn't been an exception ever.
i just can't go on any longer like this ...school is just too hard... i have two 5 page papers due tomorrow...i just can't think anymore! i can't keep doing this! i don't have the emotional energy for this! and i'm tired! so so so tired! i got something like 10 hours of sleep last night, but i still feel tired, so tired i could collapse and melt through the floor! i think i'm going to fail all my classes this quarter...the things they assign are just *impossible* i just don't know how to do them or where to start or what they want me to write! and i just need to rest...i shouldn't be in school at all right now...i need a few years off...it feels so hard just to keep on living...even breathing seems too difficult...
today i actually studied kinda! i went to lestat's and studied with Kara and Sarah from my Phil. class. and we were so the talk of the coffee shop. 3 girls talking about philosophy! people kept evesdropping on our conversation and then coming to talk to us...like one guy produced a bible randomly when we were debating some slightly off topic suject - did angels exist before man was created? i said yes. Sarah remembered not ever hearing about them being created and thought maybe they came after. then the man produced a book about angels! haha ... but yeah, so i still think i shall fail my midterm tomorrow though - i never did find time to read. time escapes me when i'm not around other people. it flys by faster than a hummingbird...but yeah, failing would be a new experience ... it could be interesting...i'll try my best, but i still know almost nothing beyond my own logic ... my own logic has gotten me higher grades on the quizes than Sarah who actually reads, but this won't be a multiple choice test, so i don't think i'll be that lucky. if i had to rate my own posts, i would say that this one was a bit of a waste of time for you guys to read .... sorry, my posts have been like that a lot likely ... a little more personal than opinionated...except for maybe the one below this one....
people that kill themselves are weak, dumb, and selfish. what makes you so special that you should get to leave life while the rest of us are stuck here, living, dealing with the same kind of stuff that you are, fighting life and our problems? are you trying to say you are better than everyone?? you are not so different! everyone goes through times with problems! what right do you have to just leave your problems and leave everyone behind? are you so selfish that you don't care about the people your death will affect??? the people you will damage?!?!... the people you will hurt?!?! you are thinking *only* of yourself. killing yourself is the most selfish thing ever. and you are weak if you kill yourself, and pathetic... fight through life like the rest of us! and if god exists, you just get to go to hell for killing yourself... won't that be fun?! so then in addition to being weak and selfish, you'd also be extremely stupid. moral of the story: be nice, unselfish, strong, and smart and don't kill yourself! grrrrrr! oh yeah, and chances are that i've been through more bad times and more bad things than you have, that i've experienced much more pain than you can ever even imagine! and if not me, then someone else has for sure! and guess what?! we are still living, so if we can live, you can live too! and if you get to die, we should get to die first!!
my 21st birthday party is most likely going to be on March 13th...so you better keep that day free! there's no excuse not to!! i'm telling you over a month ahead of time! if i know you in person, you are invited...and if you don't come, i'll cry!!! it's that simple. i don't want anyone to be left out, and for once, i don't think i hate anyone...so if you already know you can be there that day, RSVP now! and give me your address so i can send you an invitation w/directions...(don't worry, it will be in san diego somewhere, i won't make you drive far) i'm hoping to hold a club-style birthday party with dancing and DJ's + standing around talking (for those of you that don't dance) ... but i haven't found a location for sure quite yet, and i can also only do that if enough people are going to show up....(oh yeah, and if i do end up doing that, then all you internet people can come too!...) and even though i'm turning 21, it will either be at an 18+ place or maybe all ages, but there *will* be alcohol, of course ....
okay, so that's my little ideal dream thing...but with my luck, it will just end up at a house or something without dancing ... and only like 4 people will show up... the ones that really love me... and i'll just hate everyone that doesn't come and i'll cry. lol
click here to RSVP! (if i don't know you, and you want to come, you can RSVP with this form too...)
my cat is missing!! i haven't seen my cat for something like 3 days now!! where is he?!? he never came home the last time he went out... he usually comes home when i come home, we go out together and then come home together (my mom pointed this out to me), but now he's missing! i don't have time to look for him or worry about him...i've got so much homework and stuff this week! but i want to go look for him! i miss him...my house is so lonely without him... i hope he's okay...he doesn't have a collar so maybe someone thought he was a stray and took him in...i hope no one ate him...
you'll NEVER guess who i ran into last night, in mexico!!! remember that guy that tried to kiss me last friday night?! him!! and also the other guy (the mexican one) that i was talking to that night! how random!!! i mean, yeah at least one of them lives in TJ and likes the same music as me, but still i didn't expect them to be at the same club as me! (i didn't see them until we were leaving though lol) .... yeah so today i went out to lunch w/Jason at a really cool little coffee place, and then later i went back out with him to go dancing in mexico with music that was actually more my style (as opposed to hiphop at least) the VV/electroluxe DJ, barry weaver, took us down with him to TJ. he was the DJ for the night....he had more records than anyone i've ever seen in my life!! they covered his kitched floor! but anyway, we got in free because we were "with the DJ" lol ...and carrying records and stuff...haha....but yeah, the music was good at first, and barry is one of my favorite DJ's at the moment, (yeah i hate most DJs, they always suck), but he started playing all this really experimental, random, kinda electro/darkwave/something music and he played it for hours and hours.... it was really pretty/cool music, but it just wasn't right to dance to this night, it sucked the energy out of the crowd and stuff...we were expecting more of an electroluxe/synthetic style set, so it was a bit disappointing... but we did get a couple good songs to dance to...oh and it was selena's 24th birthday, so she was there too...it's so nice to see familiar faces...she's so adorable! i danced with her and her friends for a bit on the little platform thing....blah blah blah, i think that's pretty much it...i danced pretty much the entire time....i didn't have enough time to get 100% ready to go out, and so on....OH and yeah, i've been up for like over 36 hours again!! i danced for almost 3 hours straight on no sleep!!! now, time for sleep and homework!! no more friends or emails or anything for the rest of this week, (maybe blogs though) until thursday night...
how did this song get stuck in my head?!?!?! Material Issue - Valerie Loves Me i don't think i've heard it for at least 3-7 years, i can barely remember any of the words, and suddenly it's in my head... very strange...
the stupidist little things hurt me. is anyone else like this? ...i've always been way sensitive my whole life...but i can sometimes choose be emotionless and strong instead - and not get hurt - but that means i can't really feel love or happiness either...and i become cold, unsypmathetic, insensitive and other things that hurt *other* people, ... so is it smarter to let myself feel or not feel? already, on a certain level i walk around not feeling. being cold towards my mother and chris...it's too hard to deal with my mother and her problems and the way she is *now* ... the fact that she's not the same, so i just block her out entirely instead. i do something like that with chris too. that way, they can't hurt me. but then i hurt them terribly by turning off my emotions towards them.... but if i don't, i'll get hurt... actually, with them, i don't think i even have a choice. it's more of a subconcious thing. but with strangers and new people, i'm like 100% open and soft and trusting towards them....should i change that? i don't think people wouldn't even like me if i wasn't like that...who wants to like a cold, emotionless person?? ...
[note: i added a couple poems to this post]
since i'm always complaining about chris.... let me tell you the good things about him too. so that you don't get the wrong idea. i am not an IDIOT, sorry. i wouldn't stay with someone if they were completely horrible! in fact, i have very very very insanely high expectations for boyfriends. so high that i can't find anyone to replace chris. and yes, i've looked and looked..... okay, where shall i start? Let's talk about the *old* chris first, the one i was maddly "in love" with. the one i would do anything for. the one that was soooooooooooooo 100% perfect that it terrified me. he was beautiful, he knew how to dress, he listened to good music. he was fun. he was SO NICE and SO SWEET and kind and adorable, loving, caring, happy, and soooo understanding, and he LISTENED to every word i said, like *really* listened. and cared about what i had to say. and we could talk and talk for hours, and he could make me laugh. no boy had ever been able to make me laugh before that...they were all dull, either that or they had the stupidest senses of humor ever...you know what kind of boys i'm talking about. chris had the most gental polite sense of humor, and he was sooo funny... we had this great emotional connection and we were so open and honest with each other, and he would do anything for me and he made me feel *comfortable* and safe.... i never ever ever felt insecure or shy or selfconcious around him. i felt nothing but loved and cared for and absolutley adored. he's the one that loved me so so so much that i was even able to like my own name (which i had HATED my whole life, thanks to dumb kids teasing me about it). he told me i was beautiful so many times that i at least didn't feel hideous anymore. he took everything i was insecure about and made me feel okay about it. he was obssessed with me, and there is nothing better than that when it's mutual. we lived for each other. we dreamed together. there was not one thought in our heads of anything that could ever brake us apart. and he was so considerate of my feelings and did everything he could do to make me happy, and he would suprise me with presents and flowers and wrote me letters (of course i did all this stuff back too!) and every second we went together was absolutley heaven. it was like the love a child feels for (or should feel!!) for it's mother, plus a frienship love, and a romantic love, and a lustful love all combined together. we had the most perfect relationship, and we never fought, and we could even argue about things just for fun! oh and he was intelligent too. that's always important. he never hurt my feelings, always called me and was on time, he would do anything i needed him to do, and he was always there for me when i needed him (like when i was sad, etc, which was often! haha) and he always was so warm and caring in every way. he was perfect. oh yeah, and when i came over to his house, his room was always clean! lol
after a year of going out, all that changed. here i was stuck in a foster home, 100% emotionally dependent on chris. i didn't have any parents to get love from, and i had lost all my friends due to moving around and spending all the time i was allowed to talk on the phone talking to chris. i moved to a new foster home, and my number of friends was "zero" ...it was summer. i was alone. the other foster girls at the new house were mean. i didn't talk to them.
chris was my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything. and then for no reason at all, he stopped writing me letters. i would write to him, pour my heart out to him, for pages and pages like we had always done, (and i would write to him instead of writing in a journal!! YAY! i just remembered that! that's where i can go to find all my old thoughts! all those old letters i wrote him!)...i put TONS of effort into our relationship, our friendship, and he would write nothing; he stopped giving me all his feelings and thoughts....he stopped putting effort into us..and i needed him, i needed to have him write back, to be loved, to have my questions answered....but as much as i begged and pleaded, i didn't get anymore letters from him...
then something happened. we are not getting into it, but he totally hurt me. damaged me. i was SO HURT and SO IN NEED of love at the time, because of what he did to me. a normal girl would have had her parents and her friends to love her, and she would have left him, but all i had was him. it was summer. there was no school, so there were no friends. and the visits with my mom were scarce. one hour visits every month or so. and before that i hadn't seen her for a year or so. chris had never been anything but nice to me before that, so i was confused. and i only had him to love me. there was no one else. i needed love. i still loved him, SOMEHOW, i continued to try to make our relationship work.....
and then he started being late. he'd tell me that he would pick me up at 1pm, and i'd get all dressed and ready, perfectly on time, because i was always on time back then, and then i would wait and wait and wait for him to pick me up. i'd just sit there, unable to do anything, thinking he'd be there at any moment. and sometimes he wouldn't show up for hours and hours. 1 hour late. 2 hours late. 6 hours late. 8 hours late. a couple times i waited ALL DAY and we would just never show up. and he would never call. i never knew where he was or when he was coming, he would say a time that he was going to pick me up, and then make me wait! and i would just cry and cry. i was sad and lonely. i wanted to see him! i loved him! i missed him! i needed him! i didn't understand why he was lying to me, telling me a time and then not showing up.... why did he KEEP hurting me?? i told him how much it hurt me when he was late....not to mention that it is soooo rude to keep someone waiting like that when they could be out doing something else! and yet, he kept doing it over and over. and i kept waiting for him, crying, not knowing where he was, wondering if he had been in a car accident, and so on...he was late over 60% of the time. it got to the point where i was so frusterated with him being late, that even when he was only 15 minutes late it felt like torture...."is he going to come this time?" ..."where is he? i don't understand!" "is he dead?" ... the worrying would start the moment he was even a minute late....
and then he was also supposed to call me on weekdays from 6pm to 7pm. this was the only time i was allowed to talk on the phone at my foster home. each girl had a certain hour like this. and he would always call, happy to talk to me, but then sometimes he would just never call... he would say that he was going to call and then wouldn't. and i'd sit by the phone in the hall, on the floor, doing nothing, just waiting for him to call. and i'd try to call him and he wouldn't be home. and i'd cry and i'd be hurt ... i'd wait all day just to talk to him! and then he wouldn't call. and then at 7pm, my phone time would be over, and i'd go back into my room and close the door. and i'd be alone. lonely. sad. i'd still miss him.
Poem, October 9,1999:
Nothing But You
all alone
choking in tears
they?re killing me
i have no control
so what can i do?
i have no love
so how can i live?
waiting for you
i don?t care if you?re not coming
i?m still waiting for you
crying on the floor
no one to talk to
nothing but silence
and the sound of my tears
the darkness is all around me
it doesn?t even feel like i have that
who can i talk to?
who?s going to love me?
and tell me it?s okay
what?s going to keep me from crying?
when i have nothing to do
i just sit in my room
that might as well be empty
because nothing brings comfort
except for what i can?t have
nothing, but you.
the confusing thing was that when i was with him, and when i did talk to him, he was nice and i was comforted...and we had that love....so he would hurt me and then be nice, hurt me and then be nice....
slowly i started to change....i learned to become impatient, i learned how to not get ready on time, why be ready on time if the person that's picking you up is going to be there at that time???! i aquired soooo many bad qualities from all this. and i learned how to hate/ i hated chris for what he had done to me. and then on top of what he did to me, not even being there for me when i needed him?!?!
i suppose i love people too deeply, i supposed i require too much love, and i guess i must have been "too much" for him to handle....but at the time, we BOTH loved each other the same....so maybe not....i still don't understand why he did this too me.... and i waited and waited for him to change, and he got better at one point, but finally, after 3 years i gave up. i stopped letting him tell me what time he was going to come over, and so on... he would say "i'll be there at 11" and i would say "no, don't say that, just say you'll come over whenever" and so the problem was never fixed, just ignored. and now i just ignore him.
the only things wrong with him right now are that he won't tell me his feelings anymore (because he can't trust me anymore because i hurt him too) and i don't have the patience (anymore) to try to get him to tell me. he has a horrible temper now, and is mean sometimes, he's not funny anymore, he doesn't really talk anymore, he dresses sloppily- (all his clothes have been worn to work and are all stained and have paint on them), he ruins my house, etc, etc,
i meant to say the good things about him....
...well, first of all, i keep waiting for him to change back to the way he used to be, keep trying to change him back.... but yeah .... he always picks me up from school...for awhile he was even leaving work to take me to school, but he can't do that with his new job, he loves me, he cares about me, he will go get me food in the middle of the night if i ask him to, he's nice most of the time, he put up with my mom and loved her too - except for the times when we would yell at her... and he's working and trying to pay all the bills - i always have to kill my savings account to help him out, but he does try, he hasn't bought anything for himself in years and years - no CD's, no clothes, NOTHING really ... he just stupidly ends up wasting money on eating at stupid places like carl's or jack in the box, or other stupid little things that i go without in order to save money .... you can either eat fast food 3 times OR buy a shirt... i choose the material object that lasts forever, he chooses the junk food....i don't know ... and he puts up with me, i sit here on the computer, and i do homework and go to school and now i hang out with my new friends, and i never give him any love or attention at all. i never kiss him anymore. and he puts up with all this...
...but it all goes in circles....he's the one that doesn't kiss me, but then later it's me that won't kiss him...or he doesn't keep the house clean, and then he won't clean it, so i get frusterated and i don't feel like talking to him, so i sit here instead --- and that creates the problem of me ignoring him and not giving him love or attention, which he then has to put up with....so one problem just creates another problem on top of the other.....and i don't know...he's no worse than me, we both have our faults, even though we both use to be very close to perfect (we did!!) he started having faults and then i started having faults and we cause each other to get worse and worse...
maybe i could fix our relationship if i just spent some time with him, but it's just too hard...i've spent the last 4 years trying to "fix" something that was once perfect. chris can never meet my standards, so i think he just stopped trying. sometimes he trys, and sometimes he doesn't. but it doesn't even matter if he trys anymore, because i finally stopped trying. after way too many years, i finally stopped giving, stopped making effort, stopped writing him letters, stopped making him things, stop surprising him with sweet things, but worst of all, i stopped WANTING to.
and so now i just live with him, i feel loved and taken care of, but it just feels like he's my mom or something now. neither of us seem to put any effort into our relationship. he gave up, i gave up. i'm comfortable with this for now. i'm too busy with school and on the computer too much to notice that anything is wrong with our relationship...it feels fine to me.... maybe i'm just ignoring and avoiding the problems for once. i'm sick of fighting. i want him to like to dance, to learn to dress again, to like good music again, to be nice ALL THE TIME, to be smart again, to take me on "dates" like to dinner or anywhere!, to kiss me for hours agains, to suprise me with things again, to talk to me again, to tell me his thoughts and feelings again....but i don't want to have to fight him and beg him to be like this again, he needs to just do it. i can't fight or wait anymore....
....and everytime he does try to talk to me, i shut him out. i don't know why. i just do. i know he's depressed, i know he needs me, i know he badly wants to spend time with me, but i just can't seem to give anymore....i can't help him, i can't fix his depression, it's too overwhelming, i can't try anymore. and he always wants me to cuddle when i'm in the middle of doing something. i don't want to cuddle with him...it's been too long...i've gone too long without that kind of love, i don't remember how to cuddle, i'm too stressed out to cuddle...i know i used to "love" cuddling, but i was deprived of it for too long...
i'm to the point where i just don't even know what i want anymore. if chris just became completely perfect again one day, would i still like him? or would i still ignore him? and if he was perfect again, i know i would be content, but would i be ecstaticly happy with him? could i be "in love" again? would i want to kiss him again? and if i were to brake up with him, could i ever be happy again? could someone else be better than the old perfect chris that i once had? i haven't met everyone, but i've met a lot of people, and so far no one comes even close to what i once had. people are selfish and insensitive and all sorts of things. they don't *listen* , sometimes they don't understand me, sometimes they don't *care*...i don't want to give up my stable imperfect chris for uncertainty and pain. stupid little things hurt me. i wouldn't last a day without chris's love. i'd end up killing myself or something. i don't know. someone try to prove me wrong.
an old poem i found (that kinda sucks), written June 14, 2000
Crying Out For Love
all i wanted was to be loved
it?s all i ask of you
and you make love so difficult
you hurt me in so many ways
leave me all alone
swimming in my tears
crying, crying for someone to save me
but there?s no one left
there?s no hope
i can?t take it anymore
i?m dead
i?ve had enough
if this is what you call love
then i don?t want anymore
crying, crying for what we used to have
sick of trying to get it back
sick of being taken for granted
my feelings always ignored
as you cover up problems with money
i?ve tried so hard, too hard
sometimes i hate you
for treating me this way
i keep giving you chance after chance
but you never change
why do i even wait for you?
i?m leaving if you don?t change
i don?t deserve this
what did i ever do to you?
i?ve cried so many tears
and no one cares.
this post is too mixed to have a title.... thursday i hung out with J and then went to coffee with a lot of people (J, Marcy, Kate, Teresa, Sam and this other creepy guy) at lulu's. and then yesterday, i slept through my plans with zenaida AGAIN (i'm so sorry!!!) and then later i went to a semi formal dance thing with Marcy, but barely danced. it felt too weird to dance to TJ style hip hop and trance in semi-formal dresses... all the girls that had their shoes off and were "raving" in fancy dresses just looked like a bunch of 5 year olds jumping around...not that there is anything wrong with that, it just felt strange to be there. and i don't like that music anymore!!! but actually, towards the end, i was like "ok, i've danced to this song 8000 times before in TJ, but i could maybe deal with again, if i had to...." and i still love dancing to rave music stuff (when it's actually GOOD), but i have to be costumed for it, or else i feel too weird... oh and tonight, i didn't have my hair done really and i just got ready waaay too fast and was really NOT wanting to go, so i would have had more fun if i had taken the time to get ready and had a good attitude about it. i ended up having lots of fun with Marcy towards the end...but then we left early, so yeah.... we'll have to go out dancing some other time together. she's really adorable when she dances and she has enough self confidence to knock me out of my shy-nervousness that i've been getting when i go dancing lately....oooh and i saw my friend T.J. at the dance thing, so that was cool, haven't seen him for over a month.... we are supposed to go dance up in hollywood sometime...if i can ever find time, that is! i really need to start ONLY being friends with people that like dancing, because i'm really sick of not ever being able to hang out with certain people because we have nothing in common. i just end up depressed. i have people i know that just WILL NOT go dancing. ever. not once. or they have some excuse every time i ask them to go dancing.... i'm sick of wasting my time asking and asking and asking people to do things and then not ever ending up doing anything...this hasn't happened to me for awhile, but it did for 2 years straight, and it would just be better if i didn't know these people. like this guy Matt and I haven't hung out in almost a year because the only thing we can ever agree on doing is doing homework or getting food...other than that, he never wants to do anything i suggest (like dance!) and never suggests anything to do instead....and if he did, i probably wouldn't want to do it...i only like doing stupid things i hate with people i love.... like going to the semi-formal dance with marcy... tee hee ... when did i fall out of love with semi-formal dances though???! how did that happen?? i guess i've just been spoiled with clubs.... the best part of going to clubs is dressing up as wild as possible...it makes it so much more fun! dressing up all "nice" (unless it's a long poofy princess dress!) makes me feel old and also ugly and boring and plain. Like that whole time i tried to wear "normal" clothes or "classy" clothes somewhere in 12th grade/freshman year....i ended up feeling sooooo ugly and depressed by that. something about unnatural haircolor, brightly colored eyeshawdow, and random clothes makes me feel prettier and happier. god, poor chris....i remember during my phase of trying to look normal/"classy" (it's in quotes because it's an inside joke between mia and i about some girls...) i was sooo mean to chris about his skater boy style. i wanted him to buy nicer clothes and shoes and stop dressing like a kid...what was i thinking?!! that was the begining of college and i think i felt that we were inferior compared to all the snobby rich "classy" ucsd people that i was hanging around with at the time....thank god i stopped being friends with those dumb people after a couple months! yeah, but so now i'd HATE it if chris were to wear "nice" clothes ... and when random boys try to hit on me all dressed up in their "nice" clothes, i just look at them and think: "you are dumb and boring and a follower and/or a conformist on the outside" yeah, it doesn't mean they are on the inside, but it usually does .... i can't help but fall for creatures that wear "art" on the outside... it's not about "appearence" ... it's something about the way their minds work... that they are going against what society has told them they must look like, that they can think for themselves, and it shows that they have some kind of creativity ... oh yeah, but again, a lot of these people often suck on the inside too... but at least they're not boring...
where is it?!!?!? ....so i bought this star ring yesterday, and i had it on while i was cleaning my house, and i took it off for a bit, and then i put it back on my finger and the next thing you know, it's gone!! and it's still gone! i've looked everywhere! where did it go??? i never lose anything, this is soooo strange! and i'm cleaning too, so you'd think it'd turn up, but no...
oh my fucking god. does no one care that i worked VERY VERY HARD, TOO HARD, to buy the things that i own?!?! i'm cleaning my house because my mom is finally gone and just everything is ruined! between her and chris, everything i own is ruined ... with them around, even MY laundry ends up on the floor somehow, spilt out of the laundry basket. every lamp/lamp shade i've owned for the past 3 years is broken/ruined due to chris's carelessness when helping me move my stuff... my $800 bed (read: matress & box springs, that's all there is) is SOOOOOOO ruined from moving it, from the cat, from just everything. my couch has coffee stains on it from my other and my tables are scratched. my cheap ikea chairs don't look new enough anymore, AND CHRIS JUST SPILLED FOOD (and left it there!) on my brand new ikea desk chair that i bought with money i didn't have, to replaced my old computer chair which also got ruined in this stupid place. just EVERYTHING i have is ruined, and i have to keep replacing things, and no one respects my stuff and all the hours and hours i overworked myself and stressed myself out working sooooooo hard for minimum wage and less....i'm just SO SICK OF THIS! oh and how chris becomes a slob and refuses to clean, or clean up after himself, and makes a mess when my mom is here, that's reeeeeeeealll mature and i just love it! GRRR! Oh, and i had this pretty $30 lamp from Ikea, somehow it's all scratched up now and once chris dropped something on it and it has a big dent in it. my roomates first year of college ruined my microwave, broke all my dishes, stole my tea-kettle and $16 cookie sheets! and chris and my mother have managed to ruin all the pans - thank god they were not expensive ones, but i still have to replace them someday.... i'm just SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is not how i take care of my stuff!!!!! it's not fair to have idiots in my house ruin everything!!! and this is all "cheap" stuff i have, so it looks reeeeeeallllly bad when it's broken!! i want to cry! this isn't fair! this is like some kid coming and braking ALL of your toys including your computer! and worse! that's how i feel .... and there's no food in the house either..... and ALL I WANT is just to have things in the condition i bought them and have my friends over for drinks... IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK??????????? And i feel like just throwing everything away and starting over, BUT THIS STUFF IS ALL NEW! pretty much....6 months old, most of it. except for some lamps and the bed and my CD rack....(which is somehow not ruined!) oh and the cat ruined all my curtain things and my $100 canopy bed thing. oh yeah, and towels?!!?! those are all ruined!!! (bleached, used to wash the car with, etc.) ... first i had purple and also black: ruined. then i bought cheap yellow ones and bright blue ones: ruined. then i bought two really nice light blue towels: ruined. will this EVER end?????? it's not normal 'wear and tear' ! things seriously get destroyed here! yeah, so for my 21st birthday, i want new towels. how sad.
chris just noticed that his picture has been replaced by a picture of marcy on my desk. it was really funny. he was like "hey! what is that???!!!!" and his eyes got all big..."it's jealous!" he said, refering to himself, cuz we talk all weird like that....i assured him that i only needed one picture of him on my desk and not two...hehe
okay children, i'm not answering any emails from people that i don't know in real life for awhile, i've got midterms and things and i just don't have time to answer emails right now, i'm so sorry...i will still read them though, i've already got about 200 emails waiting for responses...it's just too much for one person to deal with!! people that i do know: please continue to email me 7 times a day though...hahaha ... where is my daily tiffany email?!?! i'm going to cry now! :( ...where o where has my tiffany gone?!
YOU choose.... you know how there are red squares of the main page of this site? and how there's a song that loads/plays in the background of that page? well, what color should i change the squares to? and what song (out of the ones on the 'singer' page) should i change the song to? give me suggestions, por favor! i mean "s'il vous plait"... but yeah, for colors, it'd be nice if you could include the hex # of the exact color you had in mind, oh, and the color should "go with" (kinda like "match") the pictures, because i'm not wasting the time to change those....so.... what do you think...? oh yeah, and while you are wasting your life away on the internet, go hit up Jason's site, cuz it's pretty much a waste of time! LOL... no, just kidding, it's not, go visit his site because he wants hits, love, and comments...and he links to lotsa cool things!! ...i don't know, just go bother him and not me! hehehehe...
schedule?! what schedule???! i never said anything about a normal schedule!!! you're lying!!! yeah, so in about 5-10 more minutes, i will have been up for 24 hours! it's just natural for me to stay up at night, i just can't help it! and i can never resist friends that want to hang out at 3:30am! hey, i was awake anyway! i would have just sat at the computer all night anyway...
it's actually kind of funny, it's to the point where my friends will call me in the middle of the night or at 6am just because they KNOW that "may will be awake"... i get all sorts of calls: ..."hey i'm stuck in mexico and i knew you'd be awake..." or "yeah i just got back from seeing this guy and..." all sorts of random things, at the most random-est times! i love it. friends make life so much happier.... yeah, so everyone, continue calling me at 3am. haha.
hey! no comprende! i'm at my school library with the super-fast internet connection and my journal still takes 18 million years to load... what's up with that?!! anyone else having a problem with it loading too slowly? did i write too much?! ooooh maybe it's the comments being broken thing that is slowing it down....
we dance around the unsaid
a bit like walking on broken glass
slight tension in the air
avoiding reality; ignoring the truth
but i am thinking while you're dreaming
drowning while you're smiling
too afraid to breathe
and your silence is maddening me.
we dance around the unsaid
a bit like walking on broken glass
you're holding back your thoughts
forcing us to dance on and on
in circles, going nowhere at all
but i'm longing to explore you
wanting you to let me fully adore you
but instead we stay forever in this world of avoidance.
everybody be proud of me, i'm on a normal schedule and woke up in the morning for once! this is so not going to last. i don't even want to be awake in the morning!! i need to wake up at 10am for school, not 7. and both are way too early!
i don't believe in drugs but i don't think there should be laws against them. i don't think the government should mother us. i think that you should have the right to destroy yourself if you want to. i also think it's stupid that alcohol cannot be sold after 2am in CA, again this law seems to violate our so called "freedom" that america does not really have. same with the law about being drunk in public: completely unfair! you have to be able to get home from bars! what if you live down the street from the bar you are at? why is it illegal to walk home? does that also mean that standing outside of a club when it closes is being "drunk in public" ? what about drinking inside a bar? how is that *not* considered being drunk in public? america has the stupidest laws. some of them make a little sense, but some just don't.
so i thought, "hey i have a lot of poems! i'll try to find all the ones that have something to do with love and put them together!" i meant like sweet love poems. turns out, i don't have any. haha. these are all i could find:
(oh, and P.S. Hey little wannabe poem thief bitch, you touch these poems AT ALL, and i'm getting my lawyer and we are suing you, right Steve?! ...anyway, i'm pretty sure all these poems have been on my blog already.)
summer love
it was never special
i was always cold;
empty and alone
fill me up for a moment
just to take it all away
leave me worse than the same
why was i crying?
i can't recall
a million reasons are all the same
throw me out into the cold
take what you want
and leave me all alone.
something is better than empty
you're so close but so far away
i can see you there
but we're in different worlds
can't seem to get through to you
and i just can't let you in.
the door has closed
can't go back
but there's nowhere else to go
ran away from heaven
and now nothing can compare.
i'm about to jump
there isn't any love here
i want to be somewhere else
want to feel the pain
something is better than empty.
nothingness has grown old
i want to feel full
so used up and alone
why do you stay so far away?
i'm tired of being alone.
love
i'll hide this pain
i'll drown myself in tears
so that you can go on believing
that everything is fine
i'll kill myself
so that you won't feel the pain.
lost. soft.
lost----
looking for love.
but i found you instead.
pushed all the love
that i already had
away.
i dove into darkness
blindly
looking for light
and i died
oh i died
soft-----
i wanted some comfort.
and peace for a change...
pushed all the love
that i already had
away.
i dove into darkness
blindly
looking for light
and i tried
oh i tried
but i died.
empty promises
you gave me a glimpse of something new
a chance to escape
and i believed you
oh i believed you
i contemplated leaving my world behind
and joining yours
but you lied
oh how you lied
oh-ohh
chorus:
and we all follow empty promises sometimes
chase after hallow dreams
and i can't believe that you could have
taken away my dreams
(just) to leave me
with nothing
and even if it was only for a second
i just can't believe
that i almost lost everything
for you and your promises
of nothing
it's twisted how people will say anything
to get what they want
and they lie
oh how they lie
i almost fell into your trap but i woke up
just in time
i'm not blind
i'm not that blind
Look at the things i posted for you guys to read today! like 800,000 billion! something like 9 posts!! that's to make up for not writing anything all weekend! hahaha I wonder how i don't ever run out of thoughts?!?!?! that amazes me. i should be out by now!
my first fan ever. June 16, 1999, trabuco hills high school. I was the main character in a 45 minute play called "Baby" (this was before i died. i don't do plays anymore...) ...after our play was done i went outside. a little girl had her dad take her to talk to me. she was sooo adorable. i think her name was sarah. i think i gave her a hug, maybe an autograph. i wish i could remember. my diary only talks about chris. i was hoping had written about her, but no. i should burn my old diaries, they are worthless.
this little girl is my only inspiration to pursue acting. other than that, i just don't have the strength that i used to have, i don't have that energy anymore. *he* took it all. *he* ruined me, murdered me, and i have never been the same since.
bad things don't seem bad in the eyes of "bad" people or something like that. when we were little, most of us were taught not to smoke, not to drink, not to do drugs, not to have sex before we are married, not to live with our boyfriends/girlfriends, and on and on and on. a lot of people that have not been in these situations tend to jugde the people that do these things, and lable them "evil" or "bad" or their actions as wrong....but once you've done things that are bad, you don't think they are "bad" anymore, and after awhile it just seems very extremely normal. like when i watch people smoke pot, (which seems like a lot of people lately!) it just seems so normal to them, just like drinking water. like it's not illegal. like it's fine. it's interesting how those kinds of people view what they do as "ok" and then society views it as really "bad"....
me? i'm not going to judge anyone .... i understand instead.... "bad" can mean different things to different people, depending on their point of view.... i just think that people shouldn't fuck up their bodies (but i understand why they'd want to) ... as crazy as it sounds, my boyfriend did pot less than 9 times and nothing else (it could have been laced though) and he changed soooooo much (he really did get stupider! and has talked slower and has had trouble thinking in a straight line (lol) for the past 4 years!!!) so i'm really against the people that i love and know really well doing drugs because i can't stand when people change like that and become less of a human and more of something that can't think right...
the dream i had on jan. 31 (i slept in the day/not night): i'm blindfolded. i kiss a man. no, maybe it's him that is blindfolded...i fall in love with him. later i find out that this man is 50 years old!!! and i can't deal with it - the fact that he is 50 discusts me, but i love him and so i don't know what to do. that's all i remember of the dream. there was sooooo much more to it, but it's already feb. 2 and i had to search to even remember this much....it sucks i wanted to remember!
last night's dream included small rhinos the size of kittens coming up to me and wanting to be petted. i was in some kind of theatre place sitting in a seat at the time. again, this is all i can remember of this dream...except for going to lunch with some friends in some cafeteria and i think we were all aliens (secretly) or something.
your life goes on in a straight line, unchanging, until another person comes along and switches it's direction. it always seems as though i make plans for the future and i know at least the basics of my future life. that, and my life sometimes follows a very boring rotine pattern that seems to have no end....i always think there is nothing that is going to change the way things are going in my life at the time, not even an act of God...well almost...
and then i meet someone that totally throws my life into another direction, or gives me another path to follow, or helps me to see things i couldn't see before and totally changes my outlook on life.
i love when that happens. i love those people. i love how my life becomes exciting and new again because of other people. life would be so terrible without these wonderful other people....
if it wasn't for people like these, i might have ended up a miserable econ. major instead of a theatre major: two years ago i met someone that told me to follow my dreams and not give in to other people's wishes for me and so on, and i listened. and i'm happy i did. if i hadn't have met this person, i might have tried to be responsible and switched my major to economics! i refuse to ever have an office job! no, no, no, ce n'est pas moi!
my entire life i've been really independentemotionally, but never ever have i gotten the chance to live on my own and really be independent. (except for one week when my mom left me in laughlin when i was 18) ... i really want to live on my own (yeah, i guess having a real roomate would count as living alone too) ...i want to be able to have everything of mine stay mine. and i want my money to stay mine and i don't want to have to pay for the car when it brakes down and for food that i have to share and stuff.
i guess i'm only dreaming, but i just want my own apartment that i can keep perfectly neat and invite friends over for drinks and for dinner and stuff ... and i want to have time and the space to think and be alone and to become my own person and be something or someone... but at the same time, (here's where it becomes a dream), i don't want to have a real job and i don't want to support myself! i'm too weak and tired to work anymore, just living and waking up each day is already sooo hard for me to do. it's even hard for me to get dressed and to make food. you probably don't understand what i'm talking about... i just feel like i'm about 200 years old and i feel like i've been though a war, and i feel like i just want to collapse and never get up. and that's why it's so hard for me to do anything. i'm tired. oh so very tired.
and i actually have been through a lot, lots and lots in fact. and i made it through everything i've been through with perfect grades, without doing drugs, without being fed med.s, without having a brakedown, and so on. i stayed strong through soooooo much, but i never got to rest afterwards!!! and i soooooo badly just need to rest!! i'm trying my best and trying soooo hard to just finish school, to survive through just one more thing in my fragile condition ....and i'm waiting and waiting to rest. i *need* to have a brakedown, but i'm prosponing it! i have to wait until i finish school and then i can just collapse! and if there's no one to take care of me at that time, well then, i'm just going to have to die instead! after i'm done with this school thing, there's going to be no way i can get a job or work or do anything... i'm going to need to rest and do nothing for at least a year or two...
what i need is to live with my mom in HER place. but she doesn't have a place! i need to be taken care of. but most importantly, i need to be taken care of by a mother and not a boyfriend....because i'm not growing right living with a boyfriend... i'm not exploring the world, i'm not even really living ... i mean lately i've been trying to catch up with life, but it's still not the same. and i am all mixed up. i am so many ages all at once; i'm sooo grown up and mature, yet i know nothing about the world and what's out there, other than the bad things i've experienced and a few good ones, and at the same time i'm such a child and i need to be loved and taken care of and baby'd and fed and hey, i wouldn't mind if someone would brush my hair for me too! i just feel so so weak and i'm not sure how much longer i can go on this way, with all this weight on my shoulders ... i just need to cry and cry for months and i need to get my mother back, my real mother, not the one that exists now, and i'm convined that if she just had her own apartment that i could move into, everything could slowly go back to normal and i could FINALLY heal and be okay again...
and then maybe my back would stop hurting 24/7 (it's hurt for NINE YEARS now, ever since i first got taken away from my mom) and i could stop being stressed out every second of my life ... i just really need a chance to be a child and escape responsibility, like the way a child doesn't have to worry about paying bills ... for as long as i can remember, i have always been way too responsible and i never got a chance to be a child. when i was just 16, i was worrying about chris's bills and helping him pay them so that he wouldn't get bad credit...because, hello, i'm not going to marry someone with bad credit if that means my perfect credit will go down!!! (btw, despite my best efforts, the stupid idiot still managed to ruin his credit, but i did help him manage his money and pay off ALL his credit card dept and everything) but now he owe's me $5,000-10,000 or so (the amount varies depending on how you look at it. if you want to say it's only $5,000, then you have to say that i've paid my own rent the whole time i've lived here and that all the furniture is 100% mine...because i did buy it and i have paid my half of the rent, it's just that chris said that HE wanted to pay ALL the rent and be that person, so when i give him money for the rent and his parking tickets and for fixing his car, i say "okay, but you have to pay me this back" what a joke, i will NEVER see my money again and i will NEVER have a car) ...but yeah, so anyways, i need to live somewhere where i don't have to worry about the bills getting paid, somewhere where there will be food in the house when *I* don't go to the grocery store, somewhere where the bills will get paid when *i* don't write the checks .... (so far, instead of paying the bills with my own money this month, i've let them sit on the desk and i'm seeing how long it takes before chris pays them...it's been two weeks so far, no one has paid them! house phone bill, our cell phone bills, house phone bill, and now rent. ....if may doesn't write the checks, no one pays the bills, if may doesn't do the laundry, the clothes stay dirty forever, if may doesn't go shopping, no one ever does and there's no food! [like when i was sick!!!] i just CAN'T take anymore of this responsibility!!! it might be okay if i were only taking care of myself, but i'm not and so it's just too much of a burden!)
i'm getting worse and everyone else is getting better ...or so it seems. jason is trying to quit smoking, mia has become christian, marcy is not having as much sex, and just everyone i know is trying to become a better person in some way. but not me. i've already been as good as a person can get (well, pretty much) for almost my entire life, and nowadays the older i get, the worse i get. i've become less compassionate, more selfish, not as neat, scattered, unoraganized, hardly pray anymore, and currently i'm learning how to be irresponsible! lol like i never ever missed school or procrastinated in high school, and now i've missed a few days (yeah, it was by accident, but still) and i ignore my homework until the last minute (because it is too hard and stressing to face!!) and i've dropped classes and so on ... it's just funny how everyone else is growing up and improving themselves and i'm going backwards instead...
it's interesting how i react differently to my mom and chris than i do to other people. i have no patience with them at all. i'm quick to yell at them or criticize them for being stupid and so on. but with other people i feel so differently...with other people i have patience again, i have kindness again, and love, and all sorts of things. i actually feel differently towards other people....and i guess that's why i react differently. chris was late to pick me up soooooooooooooooo many times and chris and my mom have ruined my stuff and messed up the house sooooooooo many times, etc, etc, that i just can't take it anymore... they are both on thin ice and if they do the littlest thing wrong it just makes me sooooo mad, and i snap! but then other people can get away with being late and things because i haven't had to wait eternity for them already...i don't know it's just strange how i don't mind when certain people do certain things, yet other people can do the same things and it drives me mad...
so seeing tiffany again for the first time in 6 years was weird because we didn't act like we hadn't seen each other for that long. we kinda just picked up where we left off, like absolutely no time had passed! we didn't even really "catch up" on anything much either... we really need more time to spend with each other ... a day of watching boring football wasn't enough! so we are hoping to get together on the 20th for the weekend, but with my luck and my school schedule, that might be pushed back to a later date...
as much as i hate orange county, it was somehow comfortable to be back there again, familiarity, you know?
