SAVE CLUB BLUE!!! Please help!!!! it's my favorite club!! Email: garcetti@council.lacity.org and tell them to keep the club around! ASAP!!! they are discrimating against the underground/gothic look of some of the clubbers there and claiming that there is a noise problem, when in reality, there isn't one!!! PLEASE HELP SAVE MY FAVORITE CLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hurry!!! read this for more info:
We have a very important meeting with Eric Garcetti (the councilman for the Hollywood district) on Thursday, regarding the future of Blue. We need as many letters of support as we can get going into this meeting. There is strength in numbers, and we have to prove to the Councilman's office that we are a major political force in Los Angeles. We have over 11,000 ECE Members, and a web site that gets over 100,000 hits per month. If he decides to be against us, it will be political suicide.
It all comes down to our scene, which makes it a discrimination issue. Goth/Industrial people do not fit into the new Hollywood. They will never admit publicly that there is an issue with our scene, but the evidence is overwhelming. They are trying to paint us as a public nuisance, but we all know that the police are never at our club - Blue never has problems. The Las Palmas Club up the street has two or three calls for service per week, what Blue has in a year. But they have a high end Hollywood crowd that spends money, so the LAPD looks the other way. This is all about how we look, not the way that we act.
Eric Garcetti & the LAPD want us to shut down at midnight, as corrective conditions for the so called "Public Nuisance." And they know very well, that this will put us out of business. Therefore the club will be gone, and they won't look like bad guys, because they did not revoke our permits, and allowed us to stay open - but only until midnight. They seem to overlook that there are 70 jobs at stake - 70 families will be affected by their decision.
Eric Garcetti only won the last election by 1000 votes. There are more than enough voters and their friends that patronize Blue to change the future of the Los Angeles political landscape. This is your chance to be heard - Write another letter to Eric Garcetti, and let him know how you feel. Send this email to everyone that you know.
Eric Garcetti's email address: garcetti@council.lacity.org
This is your city, your future, your vote.
it sucks, i feel like there is never enough time to learn all the things i want to learn and do all the things i want to do. there isn't even enough time to listen to all the music i want to listen to!! i wish time would just slow down!! why didn't anyone ever tell me that time goes by faster when you get older?!?!?! i swear, a week goes by in less than a day, and a day goes by in just a few hours!!
it's another "tonight" story... i really hate "what i did last night" blogs, because most of the time, they don't even say anything, because the emotions and fun and vividedness of the night can never be captured into words...yet still, i've gotten into this habit of writing down almost everything i go out and do...i know that when i look back on it, it will help me to remember, and everything won't blend into one...but still, sometimes i wonder how many of you would rather not read such un-interesting blogs ... if i didn't have SO MANY people reading my blog that i DON'T want reading this, i could do much better, but as long as there is at least one person reading, it can never be entirely honest and open...some things you just have to keep in your head i guess (yeah, because the whole secret blog thing is just too time consuming!) but anyways, tonight Jason and Shiloh and I met Sarah at the Ken club and we had a few drinks (which totally don't affect me AT ALL anymore) and we started up the dancing with Abe, (the overly-drunken DJ) and then talked and hung out for a bit...then my Sarah left and J and Shi and I went to Shi's and hung out for a little bit, and Jason gave me the coolest CD ever!!! hehehe ...a Larry Tee electroclash 2 disk CD ...he's so sweet ...i've completely forgotten how to be sweet...i used to always suprise my boys with all sorts of things (usually things that i made), but i just got burned out after awhile ...things that are one-sided suck! anyways, back to my story ... going to bars with people you know where other people you know hang out feels A LOT like junior high ...it's kind of nice to have something to look forward to and to be social again ...although SO often i just do not feel like being social...i just feel like being quiet and i never seem to have anything to say....i need to be around people like Marcy and Greg to steal energy from...otherwise i'm just boring....i'm far too depressed to have my own energy or be creative and fun anymore ... if those chemical imbalances really exist, i'm pretty sure i've got one! i can be depressed on the happiest days....
according to the amount of units i have, i'll be a junior again (still) next year, instead of a senior....this is normal for my school, but still a little strange for me. i'm used to putting all my effort into school and aiming for perfection, straight A's and everything else...but i am just SO burned out that i don't even want to think about school anymore! i don't even want to write essays trying to get the basic scholarships i always try to apply for ...i'm just so over it...i can't think anymore, can't write anymore... i look back at things i've written in the past, and it's just like "wow, *I* wrote that??!" and it amazes me...because i don't have the patience to write anything anymore, nor the ability to think or care ...even writing an auto-biographical essay feels too hard!!! i can't wait until i get out of school!! yeah, so i guess i better foucus more on school and take more classes, otherwise i'm never going to get out of here!!! although my main focus is supposed to be social life and not grades...it's all too overwhelming, i just want to sleep!! forever! it never feels like there's enough time to do anything....
i wonder how hurt i would get on a daily basis without chris existing as "mine" ...i'm pretty sure that so many little tiny things would hurt me...but knowing that chris is there for me, in some form, lets me ignore those things that would hurt....kinda makes me "normal" or stable instead of over-sensitive.
and everything inside is screaming "like me!"
with a sudden empty feeling that i haven't felt in awhile
but it's the kind of thing that can only end in tears
yet i'm still longing to persue, wishing for a piece of you
even though in the end, i know we'll both have to part.
oh yeah, and on thursday night, i went to Jason's and sulked for a bit, and then to club 80's with J, Greg, and Shi...and that was really fun...and i didn't even drink anything at all! then we went to Shi's for an afterparty with his cousin and some random girls and that was fun too! especially since we go to eat! i like eating!! food is great! hehehe
what happens in vegas, stays in vegas, so that's all you get to know. the end. go away now. just kidding! Greg, Shiloh, Jason, and I all got married to each other ...all of us!! no, just kidding again. hehehe ...but yeah, so we got to vegas at like 1am, checked in, drank some cosmos, got dressed, and then went wandering around vegas...hanging out with those boys is so fun that it doesn't matter where we are (although it would be more fun if my bianca was around...it's fun to plot against the boys with her! hehehe...) but yeah, so we climbed over a wall, ran up the down escalator, and just laughed a lot as we wandered nowhere. then we went to mcdonalds for breakfast, and then back to the hotel room, and went to bed (after sitting in the window sill, jumping on the bed, hanging out for a bit...lol) then we woke up, got dressed and went an over-priced buffet (like $25 per person!!), then we went back to the hotel room and rested and laughed/played around a bit, then we went back out again, climed over the same wall again and went to a bar at the top of this place Greg likes ... greg bought us all drinks, and we hung out till the bar closed...then we tried to go to another bar and to ghostbar, but we had no luck with one, and didn't really have the money to pay the $20 cover for ghostbar, so we went to Studio 54 at the MGM Grand, because Anthony had always talked about how great it was and so has everyone else ...well, we got there and it was nothing like i had heard or imagined...it was much smaller, darker, dirtier, and so on, and the music was "eh" ...but luckily the boys were there, so it wasn't bad at all. shiloh saved the day and bought some cloves and shared them with me, and jason bought me a couple watermelon martinis which were actually made right for once! and greg was just greg. lol but yeah, so we went upstairs and hung out on a cool little couch, and then jason and i danced to one song, but then i decided i'd rather hang out with the boys than dance to terrible music ...then finally some better music came on and we all danced until the club closed. then we went home and slept....later we woke up, ate at a 50's place, checked out, went to a gift shop, and then drove home (which took forever thanks to an accident!) so i got home at something like 1 or 1:30am ... we had tons and tons of fun, but only because we were all together and not really because of anything we did. lots and lots of little jokes and random fun...words cannot describe the kind of fun we all have together....but yeah, i was not impressed by Vegas one bit! possibly if the music had been better, i would have felt differently ... i wish i wasn't so spoiled by and addicted to electroclash stuff! it really takes the fun out of anything that plays "normal" music... so once again: it's not where you go, it's the people you're with....
why you shouldn't take ANY kind of drug, even if they "help" : [correction: not including heart meds, and that kind of stuff ... i just mean mainly mental illness drugs and illegal drugs]
yes, (depression type, etc) drugs might help if you say they do, BUT it's no different than illegal drugs ... they help you deal with and cover up the pain of life, but they don't fix "the problem" they only cover the problems up!! and the problems CAN BE FIXED other ways! and should be. it's bad to cover them all up. they aren't really gone that way. it's kinda like drinking alcohol to feel more at ease...lots of people do it ...but it's really fucking sad that they can't be themselves without help from a drug thing...like i said before, people shouldn't rely on drugs of any type to go through life... it's the cheap, easy way out, and not really even efficient in the end...people just need to learn to talk and think through their problems ... like feeling insecure and worrying can even be cured...most things are actually cured with love and friendship, so if you don't have any of that, go find some!
!!!!! this is SO perfect....this is sooooo my thing to say to chris: click here and read .....and it's not a joke either!! his dumb-ness makes me insanely mad and mean sometimes! i'm just like "chris!! GRRR!! one plus one is TWO, not 6, get it right!!!!! common sense!!!" lol (graphic stolen from heather's blog) and i really will be nicer when he's smarter ... i'm just waiting for him to get smarter!! but it seems like he's only getting dumber!!! i mean, yeah, he's smart in some ways, but his lack of common sense and stuff just drives me crazy!
you know, i make no sense!! i'm such an open-minded, accepting person, and yet at the same time, i hate everything! that's a terrible combination! they contradict each other! i guess it's just that i can be accepting and understanding of the things i hate ... or something ... maybe it's just that i don't really hate anything, i just over use that word ... i think that's all it is ... who knows... lol ...i must just be crazy! that's the simplest answer! i'm just always scared that people are going to be afraid to be open with me because they hear me saying "i hate this, i hate that..." when really, they can tell me anything at all and i won't think they're weird or hate them....but actually i think my friends are all smart enough to know this already... and they know i'll beat them up or bite them if they don't tell me everything they're thinking!! hehehe ... right marcy?!
lack of communication is the reason most relationships fail. that, and of course the money thing. the more you tell the other person and the more you talk, the closer you get, and the less misunderstandings you have....
oh, by the way, that last post was ONLY just in response to all you people that keep commenting and don't seem to know exactly what's going on....
oh and but on the other hand, i can't even kiss chris anymore, i don't love him in that way at all...so it makes the option of staying with him a really hard choice ...i'm not "in love" with him at all ... i'm "in love" with Jason ...(who i'm dating right now, if you don't know that already)...but i'm really too scared to be in a new real "closed" relationship ... and Jason is a lot like chris in good (and some bad) ways ...(he's also better and different in some ways) so i just don't know... it's too confusing...i guess i have some kind of fear of commitment/ fear of relationships... because i KNOW that all relationships CHANGE and get worse as time goes on...the people find things they disagree on, and then they fight or go just go on unhappy ... and i just don't want that!! never again!! i can't deal with that anymore ... i want my relationships to stay happy and perfect! i'm a perfectionist at heart...i just really can't deal with anymore disappointment... yeah, so i've lost hope... that's maybe why chris seems better than everyone else in a weird kind of way... because i already KNOW his flaws and can deal with them... i'm comfortable with them ...so it's just too confusing ...i don't know what i want ... i don't know what to do...
wait! i'm not an idiot! lol there's a reason i'm with chris.... obviously i wouldn't put up with all this stuff if there wasn't *something* good about him...first of all, he's young and still stupid, so he'll probably learn how to deal with money eventually (and if not then he's an idiot and should be shot!) but yeah...we have some strange connection...like we are meant for each other...some people think that if they share a lot of the same interests that they are meant for each other, but that's all shallow and superficial meaningless stuff...interests CHANGE...you can't rely on that as basis for a relationship, because when your interests change, then you have absolutely nothing ... (although it is really nice to have common interests as an extra thing!!) but yeah, chris and i have some kind of bond ... like a mother and child type thing almost ... that's the best way i can describe it...and you can't just go get a new mom/child! but yeah, we have a super great friendship/relationship ...we just have some things that need to be fixed, and right now, both of us are just too tired to deal with those problems, so we are ignoring them instead, for once. i'm pretty sure that all we need is to grow up a little ... get some more experiance and live a little, away from each other, like having seperate groups of friends and stuff...like dating other people, etc... we are both wayyy too young to be in a serious relationship!! people shouldn't get married until they are 30 or 40!! (by the way, my single 30-40 year old girl friends say that being single in your 30's is the funnest thing ever...as long as you have good jobs and go out a lot and stuff) but yeah, our problems are small and fixible ... and i've tried other guys before, and it just doesn't work!! without that understanding and emotional connection like chris and i have, nothing can ever feel right ... other boys feel cold and are scary and unfamilair in ways... chris was *never* like that...we were best friends the day we met! i'm going to love him forever, no matter what....i believe in that unconditional love thing ... but if he keeps being "mean" to me, which he's never really done before, i will leave... but that just means i'll be unhappy forever ...because as bad as chris is, there is no one better than him ... NO I'M NOT CRAZY! you just don't understand what i mean...sure, there are guys that have money, and a job, and a future, and are nice, and sweet, and caring, and so on... but they just don't make me FEEL the way chris does ... he makes me feel safe and secure in some emotional way... he's always been here for me no matter what evil things i did to him and he loves me no matter what, and i never feel stupid or shy or insecure around him... i can say anything at all, and not feel stupid ... and it's not just because i've been with him forever, it's because part of him is so loving and caring and sweet...oh and another thing i love about him is that we share the same sense of humor ... i've NEVER met another boy like that!! we think the same kinds of things are stupid ... (like we both don't really care for the simpsons.... yeah, don't hate us!! and see??! we ARE meant to be together! lol) ..but yeah, so he never ever says anything "lame" because we are so the same in that way... other people will sometimes have entire conversations about things i don't think are funny....and they just laugh and laugh about lame things that i don't think are funny...and i just stand there like: "okaayyy?" but yeah, chris and i are just perfect for each other in strange ways like that ... whatever it is, knowing that he's here and hugging him makes me happy...and comforts me ....i'm convinced that no one else can make me happy like that ... but they can distract me!! and make me have fun... but it's just not the same...i need both! hey, i know, i'll marry TWO people ...LOL
i need new music!! anyone know of any cool electroclash/synth pop/indie/brit rock/80's bands/songs? i want stuff that's got a lot of synth type stuff in it ... help me! help me! i'm sick of finding stuff on my own! i have dial up! it's too hard to surf the internet!
it doesn't matter where you are, it only matters who you're with... or something like that, but it's sooo true! tonight i went to the dullest places (lol) with the most wonderful people and i had SO much fun!!! i was sitting at home crying and feeling suicidal and stuff when jason invited me out to the casbah with justin, shiloh, and greg... i soooo did not feel like getting dressed or anything, but i knew that it would be best if i went out, so i did...anyway, the music was kinda cool and the "DJ's" were crazy and random with their wanna-be performance art stuff, but it wasn't enough to make me happy (because it wasn't dancing!) ..but the boys made me happy instead...! (and maybe the lucky charms we got for free...yes, at a bar! lol) ...but yeah, it was a fun and random night with those boys, and after the "show" thing was over, we went to CJ's and justin bought some of us drinks and so on, and it was just soooo much fun! i ate tons of bar cherries tonight! weee! after the bar closed, we went to get the mexican food that greg was talking about ALL NIGHT and that was just as fun...oh and we took lots of random pictures too...hehehe... everyone has a camera but me! lol .... oh and yeah, we might all be going to vegas together this weeked (no, chris is not going...no tango dinero!) ...
chris went to jail!!! yeah...so here's the story of my night...it was the most random night ever! it started off with Jason and I heading up to Soma to try to get into the sold out modest mouse show...because we were both too out of it to buy tickets when they actually had them...but anyway, before we even had time to start looking for tickets, we ran into our "friend" Abe, the DJ from neon beat ...he was dumb like us and looking for a ticket too...after asking a few people if they had extra tickets, Abe decided to take my crazy (or "good" in his opinion) idea to climb on the roof and see if we could find a way in!! LOL ...he darted up a closed off ladder up onto the high roof...he went and checked in out for us (hey! i wanted to go on the roof, no fair!) and there turned out to be no way in...so then he had to get down, but he couldn't go down the ladder because there was this huge scary security guard around...so he had to jump off of/climb down the side of the building!! after a few trys he finally did it....so then we took Jason's idea and talked to the front security guard about letting us in for money, the boys sent me to kinda flirt with him...at first he said "no" and then some other people were talking to him and i still waited around....then the guy was like "you're still here?!" and i talked to him a bit more and he finally said "okay, $10 each, but this never happened" and he told me to put the money in the phone and to go around to the back and the other guy would let us in...so we did it, and got in!!! yay! so then we were in and met up with Bianca and kevin and wandered around for a bit...finally modest mouse came on and we were stuck all the way in the back of the huge place ... we couldn't see the band nor really hear them...but bianca and jason seemed content with that...so i didn't suggest us moving like i would have if i would have been with younger more adventurous people (AKA: 16 year olds...LOL) ...but then Jason decided to come with me to fight through the crowd to get closer to the front....it was still hard to get the energy to do it though, because i could so feel that Jason didn't really want to go to the front, and things are only fun if *both* people want to do them...so it took us awhile longer than if i had been with someone else...but we made it up to the front and the sound was much better and jason got to take pictures...it turns out in the end that Jason does like to be up in the front, he just had forgotten what it felt like it...but yeah, so after that we went to the ken club where Abe bought us the drinks he had promised earlier and then we met up with Shiloh and Greg and sat in a booth and talked and laughed and drank a tiny bit...it was soooo fun! Jason and his friends can make any place the most fun in the world ... the only sad thing is that Shi and B broke up, so B wasn't there ... :( ...anyways, so the bar closed and we hung out outside for a bit and i hung upside down from a tree, beat up jason and chased boys... just like grade school! lol ...but yeah, we had fun, but then the fun had to end and so i went home at an early time of only 2:30am for once! i was finally going to get some sleep! ...but as i'm walking up the stairs to my apartment, i get a call from chris...he's like "finally you answer your phone!" and he told me that he was in jail!! and that the bail was $250!! so i called jason and he turned around and came back to my house and we each took our seperate cars and drove downtown to the jail to rescue chris! we had to go to the ATM and stuff and then go back to the jail, and they said that chris wouldn't be able to leave for 4-8 hours, and i made sure that he would have a way to call me so i could pick him up when he got out and they said yes...so i left my car downtown and jason and i went driving around looking at stores and businesses at 4am-ish...jason showed me one of the coolest MOD-designed hotels ever! and also a store that sells MOD stuff...i can't wait to be rich someday!!! hehe...and if i'm never rich, i'll work as hard as i can at mcdonalds to buy the expensive furniture that i want!! (but it'd be better if i was rich, then i could have some money to help homeless people!!!!)....then we went to eat (we were trying to stay up so that we could go get chris) ...then at 6am we decided we better go get my car before the parking meters started, so we did that, then we went back to my house and i was washing my face and chris came home!! i guess he had walked allllll the way home because he tried to call the house phone collect and it was busy (internet was on) ...so i don't know why the jail didn't call me or why he didn't call me from there, but he was really "pissed" (i hate that word, but it's the one that fits best) about having to walk, and then seeing me there with jason and he thought we were making out or something maybe (which is allowed, just not in our house), and he immediatley started yelling at jason... "get the fuck out of my house, i don't want to ever see you in my house again or i'll kill you!" etc... and then chris was pissed at me too... and refused to talk to me for a bit and then he called that crystal bitch and was all sweet with her on the phone and told her what happened that night, instead of telling me, after I USED MY MONEY AND MY TIME TO BAIL HIM OUT OF JAIL!! ....how rude and mean!!! i should have just left him in jail!!! 3 days in jail might have taught him a lesson! god! he is SO MEAN nowadays! yeah, so i cried a little over that, as i layed next to him in bed while he told his story to the girl on the phone... i guess what happened was the police came when he was sleeping because his music was too loud (FUCK YOU STUPID NEIGHBORS! i hate you!) but as usual, it was only the itty bitty computer speakers! grrr! but yeah, chris cussed a the police man and was like "dude i'm trying to sleep here!" etc...and the police man was like watch your mouth or i'll arrest you! and chris was like "fuck you, you can't arrest me for that!"and he was like "wanna bet? ...citizen's arrest" or something and he went downstairs and talked to the people that complained and came back up and took chris away to jail!!! there's a note on my desk that says: "To May I'm in Jail. help me. Chris." ....so yeah... that was that! and i am now $250 poor-er and i also lost $20 at the bar/modest mouse or something!!! so now it's going to be super hard to pay our rent and chris can't go to vegas with me now...so i'll have to go with someone else...but yeah, chris just knows how to throw away our money!! first he spent/wasted my $400 when he stole my ATM card, then he got $336 in overdraft charges on his own account, not to mention the money he wasted on that card! and now $250 for bail!! LOVELY!!!! GRRR!!!!!! i hate idiots!! one of my friends the other day was telling someone about chris (they met at my party) and was like "he's kinda cute, but he is the biggest idiot i've ever seen!" ...
so note to people: while america may SEEM like it's a free country, it's not, so don't be rude to the police!! that's just a dumb idea! lol
to cut or not to cut, that is the question... what do you guys think? should i cut my hair into a cute style? my hair has FINALLY grown out to the lenght i like it at, where i don't have to brush or style it and it looks all curly (if i sleep with wet hair at least) ...i've waited so long for it to be this length and originally i wanted to grow it out to my waist ... and my hair looks better long...and it keeps me warm and covered when i where skimpy shirts! BUT i keep wanting to cut it lately ... i really want to cut it! but at the same time, i want it the same! what should i do??!?! and if you say i should cut it, provide some links to pix of how i should cut my hair!
it's so sad how people "depend" on things like coffee/caffine, drugs, anti-depressants, cigarettes, alcohol, etc, etc, to ease pain, to have fun, to stay awake, get through life and so on...
i drink coffee for fun, (decaf! hehe), and not to stay awake...when i want to stay awake, i give myself energy magically...everyone can do it, i'm sure, i just don't know how to explain how to do so...
i drink alcohol if it's pretty or in a pretty glass and tastes good...again, not to get drunk, or to make things "feel" more fun, but just because it's fun to have pretty drinks and act "grown up"! lol
i rarely ever smoke, but when i do, it's always something that tastes good like hookah's/cloves/whatever and it's purely for social reasons and for "fun" and not because i'm dependant or addicted...
i refuse to ever take anti-depressents or real drugs because they all mess up your head and there's nothing worse than dumb people...or even worse than that, there's nothing worse than not being able to think right ...
and while we're on the topic, i'm pretty much against a lot of things that aren't natural ...i'm not sure how it happened, but i don't take any medicines AT ALL ... i don't use any hair products at all (except for sometimes, just because i have them), or body lotion, and yeah....somehow i ended up like this...although i love makeup, bodyspray, and bubble bath! oh yeah, and i'm trying to use hand lotion and jojoba oil lately...but i keep forgetting to use them....i just hate putting things on my skin! it feels weird! (yes, i was the child that NEVER wore sunscreen...)
but yeah...you people that use drugs/meds/alcohol/cigs/caffine to try to control your body, you should stop! it can all be done without any of that stuff! i stay awake for hours and days without coffee, have fun without drinking/drugs, get happy without anti-depressants, and so on....it's not that hard! just try! (and i've even had a miserable life and it works!)
the iridescent blue glow of the white flawless pool in the dark on the roof of the hotel was just one of the many wonderful things about the place...
so after wanting to go there for at least 2 years, i finally got to step foot inside the standard ...and it was more amazing than i had ever dreamed it would be....i had always wanted to go to the one in hollywood, BUT, turns out the one in downtown LA is much much better....i can't even correctly describe how wonderful the place was...the huge lit-up buildings surrounding the heated roof top bar area...the surreal look of the night sky....the Eero Aarnio inspired mod designs...like the chairs by the pool, and the water beds enclosed in strange shapes, and the couchs and the tables and Vitra Verner Panton Chairs ...everything was just perfect and wonderful ....there were even images projected onto random surfaces like the wall across from the elevator and a building outside!! they even had red uni-sex bathrooms with water that fell from the bottom of the mirror into the silvery colored sink when you waved your hand(s) under it... it was just absolute heaven! that place alone is reason enough to move to LA! the pictures on the website are nothing compared to the way the hotel looks when you're in it!! i was wondering why on earth i'm going to Las Vegas for my birthday when i could just stay in wonderful LA instead!!! but then again, as i noticed long ago, the rooms are too expensive! and so that's why....!
yeah, so enough about that, we have to do that "last night i went" thing...lol...anyway, so Tom and i drove up to LA last night and we went to his friend's house (the old place he used to live for a bit) which was 100% a wherehouse, "home sweet ...ghetto" said tom when we got there...and it really was in a ghetto...but that's what makes LA so wonderful... the run-down-ness of certain places constrasting with the nice-ness of other places...i love every inch of LA....the big rich houses, the hills, the city, the tall buildings...it's all so wonderful and magical ... but anyway, so we got there and had a few drinks (ok, may was not impressed by their lack of girly drinks and only had one...LOL) and waited for the rest of his friends to show up, when everyone got there (there were 9 of us total), we walked about 20 minutes away to The Standard....it was so wonderful and fun to walk in LA at night...i love big cities at night...i smoked (no inhaling though - yuck!) a "clove" cigarette or two for fun...(no, i don't smoke) ...hadn't tried one of those since i went to glamis with anothony over 2 years ago...anyway, so then we got there and i just fell in love with that hotel! i want to live there! i want to own it! or something!!! it was just sooooo great! instead of really talking, i just spent the whole time staring at the design of everything and the lights of the big buildings surrounding us...it was all so visually stimulating...i could stare at something pretty/interesting fro HOURS!!! lol ...tom was sweet enough to buy me drinks, even though they were a zillion dollars... i had a midori sour and two amaretto sours, and i didn't even get anywhere close to drunk or anything...but yeah, so they kicked everyone out around 1am and then we went to some resteraunt and ate, and then back to the wherehouse for a bit where they gave me a tour and it ended up with me being too scared to get down from the roof! but yeah, after 10 minutes, they managed to get me down ... lol ...girl + boots + skirt + scared of heights + scary ladder = doesn't work too well! lol ...but yeah that was about it...we got back to SD around 6 or 7am....i'm sooooooo going back to that place!! i can't wait to move to LA!!! i should drag all my friends with me!
don't EVER let me forget that i HAVE TO move to LA!!!...sometimes i think "oh, maybe i'll stay in hillcrest forever, after all..." i start thinking: i have friends here, i like the little clubs here (all 2 of them), it's sunny sometimes, i like my apartment...and just everything is so comfortable...i have no desire to leave san diego sometimes, but don't let me forget: i have to get out of here!!!
so i'm running out of free time during spring break, so if you wanted to make plans with me, better do it now, before someone else takes up all my time! here's my calender thing (click) monday night i'm going out with whoever finds modest mouse tickets, and if no one does, then i'm going to try to drag someone (jason, sarah?) to the casbah to dance (but they are both poor, so i have this feeling i'd have to pay for them), and if that doesn't work, i'll go with jason to neon beat, since he claims it's so wonderful ... then anyway, i have tuesday night free and all of wednesday and the daytime of thursday, and that's it... so if you want to see me, make plans with me!!
there's no way i'm going to try to make my own plans with anyone, cuz no one ever wants to do what i want to do! i'm done with that! i'm soooooo sick of asking people to do things and it never working out, and then me ending up doing nothing because of it... i'd much rather be a tag-a-long and just go anywhere at all instead of being stuck at home sad that i didn't get to go where i wanted to go...one day, i'll have a car, and i'll just be able to say "i'm going to LA (or whereever), if you want to hang out with me, you can come, if not i'll just go by myself, so there!" hehehe...
but yeah, i have to go get dressed now, because i have to leave to go to LA with tom any second now, and i haven't even taken a shower! eep! but yeah make plans with me if you want to see me!
so today, chris tells me on the phone, (the phone because he still hasn't come home from last night, NOT TO MENTION THAT I'M STARVING TO DEATH AND THERE'S NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE AND HE DOESN'T CARE ...) but yeah, and so he tells me that the next thing he wants to buy is a $3,000 bubble chair! hey that was my idea, like a year+ ago!! what an idea theif! well at least he likes the exact same furniture as i do (although he didn't used to) ...but still, "HEY! what about paying me back!?!? and what about my engagement ring that i've been waiting like 4-5 years for!?!?" that chair should come AFTER those things!! (yeah, if he was sweet enough to save up $5,000 for the star shaped diamond and platinum engagment ring i want, i'd have to say that he'd definately prove a lot of things to me, and he wouldn't be so bad... maybe i just should have married the guy that *was* going to buy me that ring...except for i stopped loving him, for no reason, so that wouldn't have worked....LOL)
jason is great, he makes me chocolate cake! errr, i mean...orange cinnamon rolls!!!! last night i went (what a boring blog, i know,) dancing at transport with Jason...we got there kinda late, but still had fun while we were there. sarah met me there, so that was cool and then i also saw selena, trevor, and (the other) linda...it's fun to see people you know...oh and the music was really good, [except for like 2 or 3 songs...but still that's really really good]...after that we almost went to after hours at Sabbat (they call it "after hours", even though it only goes until 4! hahaha ...most after hours go until like 7 or 9am...at least in LA and Vegas...), but then we didn't feel like going anymore... we ended up just hanging out and talking about almost absolutely nothing until like 8 in the morning...
i have nothing interesting to say! jason is making me shallow! help! LOL!!! "today on TV i saw..." jk
so blonde redhead was reeeeeeeeally good ...i'm jealous, i want that band! lol ... but yeah, they were absolutely perfect...
after the show, J and i went to jivewire, and it was okay, except for the fact that they only played like 2 good songs...i don't really care where i dance, or what people are they or whatever, there just has to be good music...in the last few years i've gotten even *more* picky about what music i'll dance to...at first i would dance to anything in the world except for disco stuff and some 80's, then i finally decided i couldn't stand putting up with hip-hop/rap/whatever stuff anymore, and then i finally decided i couldn't stand rave music anymore.... so all that leaves me is electro-synth pop and the stuff they call "london pop" (AKA: "good" 80's music ...which includes the cure, the smiths, depeche mode, blur, duran duran, etc) ...it kinda sucks, but just nothing else makes me happy (oh but swing and salsa music is okay) ...i mean maybe i could still force myself to dance to rap stuff, and if i was dressed right, maybe some rave stuff... but i think i'm just too addicted to electro....but even if i hate other stuff, i can still dance to it, but it's about the same as having sex with someone you don't like....lol
yay! i'm FINALLY seeing blonde redhead tonight!! i've been waiting to see them for something like a YEAR now...i missed their first show trying to keep plans with a friend...
someone remind me that i can only drink decaf coffee... i don't know why, but for the past two years, every time i drink caffinated coffee...it does something really weird to me...it feels like i have the flu type thing...like i feel all hot and feverish and get chills ... and feel all shakey and just terrible ... today i forgot and got normal coffee and now i've felt terrible for like 4+ hours ... : ( but i don't care! i'm still going to go out all night and have fun!
oh yeah, and i talked to my brother "davey" online tonight... for the first time ever...i haven't seen him since i was 15, and haven't really "talked" to him since i was 7...tonight it still felt like we were strangers, like when i was 15...we used to be close when we were little....too much time apart changes (kills) relationships...it's funny how i'm closer to my step brothers than any of my real (half) brothers... how did that ever happen?!?!
chris is being so mean and cold...he made me cry...and i'm starting to get sick (no food + stress = weak immune system) THESE ARE HORRIBLE CONDITIONS TO STUDY UNDER! i'm going to fail! i hate living.
god, chris is being such a little bitch! he's being so hostile and violent and rude! i just want to rip out all of his hair! he deserves it! and he had a bass player over while i was trying to study for finals, and so i left, and then he made me bring back the car, but then he didn't even take home the bass player for another hour!! how lame!...and he kept totally yelling at me and snapping at me and cussing at me for no reason...what the hell is his problem?!! he's bitchier than a girl lately! and i went to the bank for him and deposited his check into his account (which fixed the way negative balance) instead of keeping the money for myself like he said i could (to pay me back for the money he stole) ...i don't know, he better stop acting like this or i'm gone...i'm sick of dealing with this BS ...and he STILL hasn't done the dishes for weeks and laundry for months... he's such a loser ...i feel sorry for any girl that gets stuck with him... he's such a terrible mean sloppy dumb irresponsible person ...
but yeah, so anyways, i went to a review session for philosophy today and saw my Sarah...she gave me a CD she made and a bracelet and a star tin...she's so sweet...she said i was so nice to her that she was trying to be nice back...it's a never ending war...we're always like 'you're nicer' 'no. you're nicer' and so on... lol ...anyway, then my Marcy took me out to eat at Casa Guadalajara in old town...if it wasn't for her and Jason feeding me, i probably would be dead by now! cuz of course chris gave the bank all our money so we haven't been able to buy food (it's something like $300+ in overdraft charges now) (and the food we did have went bad because he's too busy messing with that crystal girl to cook! and i can't cook meat!) ............how dumb of him... if i had been babysitting him like i usually do, this would never have happened...but i'm just sick of being the one to manage the money!! that's a boy job! i quit! i just wish he didn't owe so much money in my name!! he owes guitar center $400 and then that $510 phone bill...grrrr!!!! okay, now back to studying for finals...
oh and chris was even wearing one of my belts! GRRRR!!! he always ruins my belts! i hate him! he ruins everything .. he's so careless and thoughtless and dumb...i'm sick of replacing things that he ruins!
"Mike Joyce and Andy Rourke from The Smiths will be doing a DJ set at The Casbah Monday, March 22nd."!!!!!!!
why must this be on the same day as modest mouse?!?! i want to go to BOTH! hmmm...what time do soma shows end...?
jason is wonderful at distracting me from absolutely everything that's bad in my life...tonight i was crying and upset over chris hitting me and the money stuff, etc, and so jason came to save me...there was no way i could think or focus on my books that i need to read for finals, so it was better that i was out with someone who loves me instead of at home crying (and staring at a book but not being able to read). anyways, first we went to flashbacks to find something green for jason to wear, so that i would stop pinching him! (no, just kidding, i was nice. lol) and he bought me a couple super cool green bracelets and a red belt!! weee! i'm so in love with my bracelets! i'll have to wear more green so that i can wear them a lot! anyways and then we went and had dinner and milkshakes at the corvette diner...which is the funnest place to eat ever (because they throw bubble gum at you!) oh and we also went and looked for shoes and we saw some people running out of the store with shoes!! and one guy lost his own shoe, but they ran to their car and left without that shoe.... anyways, so then we went to the ken club, which served me a really pretty drink, and we ran into jason's friend/ex Rosey and her friends/family, so that was cool...and we also saw Abe, jason's friend who i met 2 months ago at club 80's ...after that i took jason to the bar at the top of the hyatt and had another pretty drink, and we talked for awhile and stuff...then the bar was closing and stuff like that so we left...and now here i am to try to study for finals again...i am SO going to fail! stupid chris! don't ever live with irresponsible unreliable people!!!
why is it that the one person who can really make me happy has to also be the meanest person i've ever met? see why i want to die? there's no hope for happiness. i will go through life unhappy if i live... i mean some people make me happy, but it's not the same...i want it to be the same, but for some reason it's not...
what did i ever do to deserve this?!?!?!?!? so great, now i have a $510 cell phone bill in my name, thanks to chris!! he's such a fucking idiot that he goes over his 500 per month minutes! what the hell?!?! and now my bank account has dropped to $0 ...i'm still wondering if tomorrow it will be negitive...on top of that, chris is mad at the bank and yelling that he shouldn't be $400 negative, etc, because he's too much of an idiot to realize it's his own fault. then he was yelling how he's just going to let us get evicted and how i make his life miserable, etc... what did i do? i don't get it! i'm not the one who ran up the $500 phone bill, i'm not the one that got overdraft charges, i'm not the one that stole his ATM card and spent all the money...on top of all this, now i have a hand print on my leg from where he hit me...
how am i supposed to study for finals like this? i give up.
jason said i shouldn't lose chris...but i'm not so sure if he's right anymore....
how weird and random! remember how i said i just saw the band scarlet symphony with Sarah on sunday? well the drummer (josh) just emailed me!! how strange! what a "small world"... i wonder how he found my website??! i wonder if it was even really him...
this band is so wonderful and random ....and the lead singer (who is a hot goth [gay?] guy) even wears angel wings in one of their videos!!!!! (i don't remember which video, i haven't seen it for a year) ...their music is best when you listen to lots of their songs in a row... it doesn't mix well with other music...and it might even be more of an aquired taste than something to instantly like...but yeah, i like! and they are playing at coachella! they are one band i wouldn't mind seeing live...i actually wish they were playing at a smaller place, but oh well...
teasing jason about his "new" old phone is fun! jason: "i'm on the phone!"
shiloh or someone: "you are on the oldest phone in the world!!"
later... jason: (something about greg being old and then something about being old)
me: "hey, at least you aren't as old as your phone!"
Polar opposites don?t push away
It?s the same on the weekends as the rest of the days
And I know I should go but I?ll probably stay
And that?s all you can do about some things
I?m trying to drink away the part of the day
That I cannot sleep away -Modest Mouse
oh yeah, and i just called the bank and chris's account is $300-$400 NEGATIVE! god, he is so fucking dumb!!! can't even fucking manage money. someone should kill him. people that dumb don't deserve to live!!!!
so HOW are we supposed to go to las vegas????? he needs that $400 check to put in his account to make it $0, and my account is at $0 because of him, so that leaves NO money. yay. not even any for bills. oh yeah and defintatley none for food!
chris is so fucking wonderful! crystal can have him! i'll just laugh at her!
yeah and did i mention i have FINALS this week?!?!!?! how the hell am i supposed to study/focus with all this crap that chris puts me through?!?!?
i swear to god, i am SO fucking stupid! i should have never given him any money EVER!! i should have NEVER bought him anything ever... and instead i should have saved all my money, like i used to, and then i would have something like $20,000 or so ...and then i would have a car, and then i could kick him out and get a roomate...
and it is SO sad, because this money thing is pretty much our only problem...but it makes me HATE him.
yep, i was right. he called me a bitch. he steals $400 for me, so i'm the bitch. right. yep, girls that yell are bitches! it doesn't matter if it's for a good reason!
looking at text messages: "awwwww" chris and crystal are so perfect for each other!! they are both IDIOTS! they both spell "sweetie" wrong ... they spell it "sweety" ...guess they've never heard of the word 'sweetie pie'! i hate people that can't spell! i used to spell perfectly until i hung out with chris for 5 1/2 years...
oh god, oh god, oh god!!!!! help!! i think my bank account is going to go negative!!!!!!!!!!! i just looked, online...i have $2.51 in my account!!!! (which means it could be less tomorrow..it takes 3 days for some things to show up) FUCK CHRIS!!! i hate him ... stupid fucking idiot!!! he just spent the last $140 that was in my account!! that makes for a total of $400 !!! money that i had held onto for months and months! and he just spent it all in a few weeks!! what the fuck kind of businesses are letting him use MY visa/debit card! i'm sorry, but he does NOT look like a "may"! don't they check ID anymore?!?!?!
GRRRRRRRRR!!!
if i was just a tiny bit madder, i would murder chris! i would! (i am NOT kidding) i want to go hit him!!!!!!! is it wrong to punch someone while they're sleeping??! i'm going to wake him up and yell at him, and then he's going to call me a bitch and tell his little crystal girlfriend.... i'm sorry, but i am NOT a bitch! he's a fucking bitch!! he's the one that STOLE my ATM card and spent every dime in the account!!!!!
i wonder if i should report my card as stolen ... i think chris deserves to go to jail! it might teach him a lesson! god, i am too fucking nice... i could put that boy in jail for so much more than that...grrrr....
oh and no wonder he never feeds me anymore! he eats without me! using MY money!!!!: 03/17/04 CITGO 7-ELEVEN STORE SAN DIEGO $7.00
03/17/04 LOS PANCHOS TACOS SH SAN DIEGO $7.70
03/16/04 CHECKCARD ACTIVITY $7.00
03/16/04 CARL'S JR #388 SAN DIEGO $6.30
03/16/04 CITGO 7-ELEVEN STORE SAN DIEGO $6.00
03/16/04 JACK IN THE BOX SAN DIEGO $5.02
03/15/04 CHECK CRD PURCHASE 03/12 LOS PANCHOS TACOS SHOP SAN DIEGO $11.39
chris is so nice ....to the BANK! looking through the mail, i see that chris has recently gotten $147 dollars in overdraft charges!! (they charge $21 per thing) ... 4 of the 7 charges were for purchases less than $10!! so he ended up paying $26 for something that was only $5 ... more than once! *sigh* will he ever learn? i've been yelling at him about this for about 4 years now!!!!!!...if it wasn't for dumb stuff like this, we would never fight and would be perfect together...i think i want to marry Mia instead! she even knows how to shop! she compares the price per ounce just like me! girls are so smart! (oh except for Marcy and Kate looked at me like i was insane for trying to buy the cheapest form of coke that way [cans vs. 2-liters]...i guess not ALL girls are smart...LOL...you dumb theatre majors! LOL jk, i love you guys...but you seriously make me wonder if i should have been an econ major...lol)
yeah, but back to bitching about chris...so he just made $400 by working for paul for $23/hour (only a one time thing) for las vegas....but NOW he's going to have to just give that money to the bank to cover that $147 and all the other money that he doesn't have in his account! fun! oh and he still hasn't given me back my ATM card, so he now he probably owes me $400 instead of $300 ...god i hope i don't have any over-draft charges!! i'm too scared to look!!!! the sucky thing is that when chris owes me money, i NEVER get paid back ... grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's so sad how a stupid thing like money (oh and lack of intelligence!) can ruin a near perfect relationship...
no more may*star pictures! EVER! after my friends and i were nice enough to spend $220+ on throwing a party for everyone to drink endless amounts of FREE alcohol at, dance at, eat at, hang out at, etc, somebody was kind enough to steal my camera!!! "happy birthday! now let me steal your cheap digital camera!" isn't that messed up! stealing from the birthday girl?!?! they don't even have the software to make it work! and it was only a 1 mega pixel cam! who in the world (other than me) would want a camera that sucky?!
yeah, so if you want to ever see new pictures of me, you can find (and kill) the person who took my camera, or you can buy me a new one... hehe...
no time to blog went out to dinner with jason yesterday at the pizzeria part of Arrivederci, then later he came over and brought me flowers....
today i went to lunch with mia at influx, (influx sells the COOLEST bottled water!!!!! glass bottles in a cool shape!) and then to coldstone for ice cream, and then we got lost in the beauty supply store, sav-on and trader joes...oh and we also drove up in the hills of la jolla looking at all the pretty houses... we talked about how we are both going to marry rich husbands who have houses like that and then we will spend all the money...(so the husband better keep working! says mia. LOL) ...well she is, i'm going to have to marry someone poor because i just can't stand people who dress ("classy")! lol ...normal boring people make me want to die! ...i guess i'll just have to be in a band and make myself famous and start some companies, etc, and buy my own house... or maybe someone will die and leave me money... does anyone want to donate a house to me? LOL ... maybe i could marry a rockstar...but i don't really like any of those either... i really have a hard time liking boys for some reason...(or just people at all, i guess. people suck.)
these flyers will be handed out to 5,000 people in pacific beach (etc,?) soon: hollywoodray/safari maystar flyer ...thanks to hollywood ray for chosing me as his model ... he's pretty cool...in you are 18+ and live in SD, go check out his site....
you know that little voice in your head that tells you to do things? lol ... i mean, when you get a "feeling" to do something or to not? well, always listen to it! don't ignore it. do what it says! everytime i ignore what i feel i should do, even if it's just a little feeling, something bad happens...
you know, this really sucks... i have so many people that have offered me recording studios to use, yet i don't have time to finish writing any of my songs, and i don't have a band!!! i'm sure by the time i actually *do* get a band, all the recording studios will disappear.... i usually wait until the summer to start bands, but i'm thinking i'm sick of waiting for summer...i'm sick of putting my entire life on hold for school!! yeah so, who cares about homework! does anyone want to be in a band with me?! (don't say yes unless you are 100% serious and live around here! lol)
oh yeah, read my 30 minute play! i turned it in on thursday, but i'm still not happy with it...it needs a lot of editing...it needs to sound more horrible, because at the moment it sounds too "happy"/"superficial"....i really didn't put enough time or effort into it...
but yeah, this is based on a true story, EXCEPT that the interaction with the character of faith is fictional, (but still based on the other real people and their actions)
read it and tell me what your reaction is: There's No Place Like Home i plan on getting it produced at ucsd, or something like that, so i need to know exactly how people react to it....
i wonder if i'm getting stronger, or if it's just the fact that i have so many (read: more than one) good friends to talk to....lately some things have happened that totally crushed me, but i actually recovered from them, which isn't normal for me...so i'm wondering if i've gotten emotionally stronger or not.... i'm thinking that maybe the existence of people like marcy and chris in the background hold me together, even if i don't talk to them enough....i really wonder how "strong" i would be if they weren't there. would i be weaker? or would i be the same...
last night i went to see 3 or 4 bands with sarah ...scarlet symphony and the velveteen were pretty good, but i wasn't really in love with them...it's funny because i love music so much but for some reason i never seem to get that much out of shows...i guess i'm just bad at *watching* things....i like to DO things, not watch. i don't like to watch tv/movies/plays, but i like to act, i don't like to watch sports, and so on....*i* want to be in a band, not watch them...it's like i'd rather play sports than watch them...[but i still hate them..they're boring, so are games...the only fun way to play a game is to play it completely wrong...you should see me being forced to play ping pong! i tend to hit the ball off of houses and over fences...hehehe] but yeah, maybe i'd be happier at shows once i finally get time to have my own band...but yeah, so anyways, it wasn't that bad...it was an interesting experience, every show has a different feel to it, and me and sarah were dancing a bit towards the end (like 15 other people were too), but i still don't really feel comfortable dancing at *shows* ... i want to, but i just don't ...little by little i'm becoming less shy and less self consious, but i still don't feel confidant enough...which really sucks because self confidence is one of the most attractive qualities ever (at least with boys...) ...it always sucks when people are too scared/shy/self consious to do things, and i hate that i am one of those people... i'm trying to not be, but i need to be forced, otherwise it won't work...like i need to be forced to sing kareokee... hehehe...
oh, the other day i went out with my mia for the first time in forever and she helped me pick up the last few things i needed for my party. anyway, we were in flashbacks and i saw jill [working there] (she's lisa's friend from VV) and then all of a sudden jason appeared too, and it was just sooo weird...running in to too many people at once!
so i finally figured out *exactly* how chris wastes all our money without every buying anything for himself....he doesn't buy clothes, or CD's, ...and for a few years, i ever got him to stop wasting money on fast food! but still, his money disappears and there's never enough when there should be and i always end up having to pay for everything...anyways, so how it works is: he plans things poorly and then so when he pays his bills, he trys to pay too many at once and so he gets overdraft charges, so then the next check he gets is spent trying to replace the money from the overdraft charges and the cycle goes on forever... i'm starting to think that's what it is....
in school we once learned (i say "we" because "i" already knew this...) that if you are spending $1 every day to buy a soda, you could save $365 a year by stopping. and so if you are buying fast food everyday for lunch, you could save like $1,500 a year by not doing that anymore, and so on....
i remember back when i was 16 i only got like $5/week allowance and managed to always *save* it...(that seems amazing now) it was that money that paid for the $80+ school dances i took chris to...how messed up is that?!?! he was the boy with the job and yet he still didn't have enough money to pay for the dances like the other boys... instead i had to pay with my $5/week allowance!!! grrrr.... i'm so sick of paying for chris!! will it ever end?!
you know, now that i think about it, it's really AMAZING that there were so many people at my party, because SO MANY of my friends didn't show up!!
these are the people who should feel extremely bad for missing my 21st birthday party: tiffany * jessica * danielle * patrice * liz * stephanie * anna * vera * brian * dan * alexis * roland * ruby * jess * dylan * "t" * tj * heatherly * tess * hollywood ray * grace * carlton * bre * yoshi * michelle * matt * ashley * steve * etron * taylor * jason a. * brett * katrina * jerome * frank * matt e. * mo * jena * joann * lisa * tri * jessica c. * josh david * brian * barret * billy * jen * dani * joslyn * frankie * brittany * scott d. * eden
"wow!" "yay!" "weee!" 'thank you!" .... i just don't know what to say...! aside from ME not dancing enough, my birthday party was sooooo the best party i've ever had...or been to...! LOL ...and this is definitely by FAR the best birthday i've ever had!!!...the first one since 3rd grade that wasn't disappointing! everything was just soooo perfect and even the things that went wrong happened at the right times, so that nothing really felt wrong....
thank you SO SO SO SO SO SO much to everyone who came and everyone who helped and to the people that gave me presents!!! you guys rock! (but who is it that bought me the 'stereolab' and the 'frank black and the catholics' CDs????? does anyone know?!?! they were in frog/white wrapping paper...?? was that josh from lestat's???)
when i got to sarah's house, she had re-arranged the furniture sooo perfectly, that i didn't need to touch a thing (normally i'm really picky...but she did it even better than i would have...) then the wonderful amazing Mike set up the coolest party lights ever for me!!! we had colored lights and black lights and we had a disco ball that made the colored lights swirl across the room and this thing that projected moving colored bubble-like things onto the walls and material that was hung to catch them....we set up all the drinks and food and sarah cooked the bagel bites (pizza things), then jason came with his stereo and they set that up for a bit, my DJ lisa was having a hard/busy day and didn't show up until about 2 hours after my party was supposed to start, but it was okay because at first only close friends and people i didn't need to impress came...aside from taking a shot with Cicely, i only sipped on a bad version of a watermelon martini all night but got soooo drunk...more and more people came to my party and the place was filled with people...it was so exiting! people like my ex-boyfriend from when i was 14 came, and linda and rob and mateo(?) from vice versa came, and selena and bianca, shi, and greg came and tom and cicely and marcy, angela, teresa, sam, mia, zeniada, my old guitarist who did the music for the song "God", a boy i met at lestat's, some people i met at tainted love, a guy from my playwriting class, some boys from mexico, mari ("madi"), another jason from the internet, and just all sorts of different people....even some i didn't know! (which i wanted, to fill up the place and make the atmosphere better. AKA: i let people bring friends....) anways, after a bit, people actually danced!!! like lots of people, not just two! it was SO perfect!! except for i was so busy running around half the time trying to make sure everyone was having fun that i didn't get to dance enough, nor hold a decent conversation with anyone, although i did somehow end up making out with jamile (aka: "mila"), marcy, jason, and i think mateo for a minute and maybe someone else?? (i don't know!) LOL ...i wanted to kiss *everyone* so 4 or 5 is not so bad....LOL ...but yeah, hopefully i didn't end up looking to stupid...but people told me i was allowed to, because it was my 21st birthday...haha...oh the stupid cops (or one cop?) came and made us turn down the music at about (and so people stopped dancing) but yeah, the party didn't end until *about* the time the sun started to come up, and pretty much ALL the alcohol was gone...which is kinda amazing, because there was a lot of it! bad things that happened: the turntables weren't working/a cord was missing/i lost a record somewhere (hopefully lisa has it!) and my camera disappeared!!!!!!!!!! which REALLY sucks because for ONCE in my life i actually took pictures WITH all these people! *yeah, i had friends for once! LOL* but those pictures might be gone forever now...i don't even care too much about my camera being gone...i just want the pictures!! but other than that, my party was soooooooo cool!! people actually came! they showed up! lots of them...i really didn't expect that...!!! this is the first party that i've actually organized and had all by myself (of course i had tons of help, i just mean: no parent-like people involved)...it was sooo nice! almost all of the people i really wanted to come showed up! a few people who promised to come didn't come though....but pretty much all the important people were there, oh and best of all: there didn't seem to be much of an age difference between all the age 18-30 people....everything just went perfectly!!! except for there were a few people i didn't get to really talk to and i wish i would have danced more! i still can't believe so many people came...i had no idea my party was going to turn out that good! and i think it was the wonderful lighting and amount of people that caused people to dance...i think i even had more people at my party than some of the clubs i've been to....hehehe...if i was rich, i'd have parties all the time! hehehe... did i leave anything out Marcy or Jason (or anyone)???
so one more time: thank you to marcy, jason, lisa, sarah, mike, hollywood ray, chris, tom, and anyone else that helped me with my party (tom spun records while lisa took a break from the stress of the "broken" turntables...)
hey you guys, guess what!?! i'm a whore! or at least that's what this girl said. what a nice thing to say, huh!?! must have been her birthday present to me! why thank you darling!
someone PLEASE PLEASE remind me that i have an audition for a play at noon tomorrow! And if anyone wants to take me there, that'd be great too... hehehehe.... *hint hint* anyone? pretty pleeeeeeease?
Mia doll, for you: look what i found on my computer: listen LOL (weee!) where's our chipmunk picture?! i never ended up with a copy (thanks to my old computer dying...)
okay, so you wanted pictures from my birthday?well, this probably is not what you were asking for, but here: 21st b-day pictures. i was wearing a slightly "goth" outfit, but i didn't get a picture of the whole outfit, because i was crying...yeah, so if you ever wanted to see pitures of me crying, here they are! hahaha....
and on a happier note, here were the pictures i took for the club safari flyers...they are going to make the picture very small, so it doesn't really matter that the pictures suck...[i took them super fast and my hair wasn't even brushed!] club safari flyer model pictures isn't it cool that i get to be on the flyers for my old favorite club?!?!?! (it was my favorite club because of the atmosphere: EVERYONE dancing, drunk, happy....but they only ever played like 3 songs i liked...and maybe 7 i could tolerate...)
things i need to do before 6:30, for my party: get wine/limes from trader joes w/gift certificate
ICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
find waterelon liqueur
get dressed!!!!!!!!
eat, IF i have time...(thank you marcy for reminding me to eat! LOL!!)
find thank you presents for lisa and sarah.
ballons?
get more non-alcoholic things to serve at my party!!!! (mixers...)
call josh and tamara and give them the address to my party
oh and thanks very much to hollywood ray for helping to buy part of my alcohol!!!!!! if you are normal, 18+, live in san diego, and are looking for a cool club to go to, check out his website....! (but if you listen to/dance to obscure random music like me, you won't be happy...)
also, thanks so much to those of you who have sent happy birthday emails/IM's/etc :) i'll get back to you when i'm not so overwhelmed and stressed!
come to my party tonight!!!!! if you don't, i'll cry!
oh, i forgot to tell you...i FINALLY got the record player i wanted!! it's red and cute and it doesn't require all the stuff that my turn-table needed....chris bought it for me for my birthday!!! :) and it was only a day late! i was supposed to get it for christmas, chris's dad said he was going to get it for me, but didn't, so chris bought me other presents instead...it's so nice to FINALLY be able to listen to my records!!! the last time i listened to one of my own records was back in the summer when i used to hang out with brandon (DJ nemo) ...!!!!! i wish he was still around, [even though he was a liar]...it was still fun to hang out at his house and hang out and stuff...
last night, i decided that i had too much stressand stuff to try to leave for LA by 8pm, so i missed the band i wanted to see...instead i cleaned my house for 2 hours! fun! i also got some of my party stuff together and filled out an aplication for a potential scholarship... i still have a lot more paper work stuff to take care of though...anyways, and then jason and i went to vice versa...my first time legally dancing in a 21+ club! weeeee! i drank two midori sours because they were out of watermelon stuff, so no watermelon martinis for me :( ......at first like NO ONE was at the club, even though we got their late, and the music was not the type i love (although it wasn't bad), but then after a bit, barry played 5+ good songs in a row, and the music was good for the rest of the night, he even played one of my favorite songs from synthetic! i had fun dancing and socailizing...i danced with linda, trevor, rob(?), and a couple other people (and of course jason), and then i chatted with selena, lisa, and her friend jill, and some other people for a few minutes...it's fun to go to a club with familiar faces...it's so different for me...i haven't done the whole social thing since the rave thing...and even then, i was more interested in dancing than talking...i can't help it, i love dancing too much...hahaha...anyways, then jason and i went and got mexican food...OH AND...!!!!!......jason gave me a birthday present : records!!!!!!! :) "in an expression of the inexpressable" by blonde redhead and then the new single "float on" by modest mouse!!! i was just telling sarah how i wanted to own a blonde redhead album, and now i do! (yeah, all my songs i own are mp3's...my old plan was to download EVERYTHING that i like and then buy the same songs on vinyl...the only problem with that is that a lot of the songs i like can't be found in MP3 form, so then i have to buy the CD in order to put it on my computer, and then i don't really want to buy the record TOO, so it makes my plan all confusing...) oh, and a few of my random vice versa "friends" (aquaintences) are maybe coming to my birthday party!!! teehee...
on thursday, after school, after not sleeping for 24+ hours, i went out for drinks at the crab catcher with tom, and found my new favorite drink! (my old one was a midori sour) it's called a "watermelon rose martini" and it's just (pink) watermelon liqueur, vodka, and a small lime. it also came in a really cool glass, which tom and i ran off with hehehe....hey, i just wanted to see if we could *buy* some of those glasses, but yeah, tom came up with the idea to kidnap the glass instead...LOL...then later in the night, i went out with sarah and she took me to the bar at the top (40th floor) of the hyatt and we had sweet tropical drinks that the bartender made up just for us. they were really good, but i can't even get one again because it was a made up drink! grr! hehe...anyway, the top of the hyatt was soooo prettyful. sarah and i had so much fun with our random nonsense conversations...and then we walked out without paying for our drinks! teeheehee... sarah's idea, not mine... LOL ...oh and before we went to the bar, we explored the hyatt pool area, which was all surreal and cool in the dimly lit night...i used to LOVE playing in and wandering around hotels...i haven't done it for awhile...i think the last time was with Mia...i must be getting old...the old may would be the one taking people to parks and to play in hotels...am i becoming too scared to be myself? or boring? ...i guess just think a lot of people wouldn't understand that kind of thing, so i don't even try i guess. but it's so fun to wander around in hotel ballrooms and play in the elevators! hehehe ...anyway, then we went to the cheap bar where the people with no teeth hang out! (but i was disappointed, there were no teethless people like sarah promised...hehehe) but yeah, we went there to get cheap drinks, like sarah always does, because she knows the old bartender, but he ended up charging us $4 a drink (she usually gets them for WAY cheaper), so we complained at the $16 total [for 2 drinks each] and he gave us some free vodka-tonics and we also got free hotdogs! teehee! we ended up staying there too long and didn't end up at our last destination until last call, so that kinda sucked, but not really because we were only going there to stalk a boy from a band anyway ...teehee..sarah is in love with the guitarist from scarlet symphony who she first saw at TNT... (which i told her to go to and then missed! lol) oh but yeah, we were supposed to meet up with jason later that night too, and i totally didn't hear my phone ring! stupid cell phone!!! i never seem to hear it! yeah, but if i don't answer my phone, call three times!!! that's what marcy does and i at least hear it once that way, usually....
wanna know a secret? i'm not photogenic. AT ALL. for some reason *I* am the only that can take "good" pictures of me. ...it's always been like that, i have NO idea why. but i look horrible in "casual" pictures... and my makeup is never different, nor my clothes, they just don't come out right! go to Jason's site and look at his pix to see what i'm taking about...(yeah, i know, i know, any excuse to link jason! lol)
you know, for the longest time, i wanted to run away from computers and the internet, thinking they were only a waste of time, distracting me from real life, but i've come to realize (maybe because things changed?) that computers can actually be a good thing...this blog helps my friends keep track of my scattered mind without me having to talk to them (LOL! i just get to have fun when i'm with them instead), and i meet and learn about a lot of cool people (even if i don't email them back fast enough...hehehe...) and then AIM, as much as i hated it for so long, has really been helpful with keeping in contact with SO many people that i normally would just "lose" because i'm bad at calling people, and never have enough time to hang out with them all....yeah, so computers are not bad after all, as long as you remember to go outside and play as well.
my ideal 21st birthday was to go to some supercool 21+ club and dance!.... ...but one didn't exist!!!!!!! stupid san diego!! so yeah, you'd think that being 21 would mean that i wouldn't have to drive allllll the way up to LA to dance anymore, but no, i'm still going to go to the exact same 18+ hollywood clubs as always! hahaha ...
i'm sooooo excited! on friday, Jason and I are going to Plastique at the echo in LA to dance and also to see the VERY FIRST (debut) performance of the band Levinhurst("featuring Lol Tolhurst, founding member of the CURE") how cool is that?!?! we are going to see their very first show ever!!!!! their CD isn't even out yet!!! weeee!
so maybe it wasn't the happiest day of my life, but this birthday was definatley the most interesting and random day of my life, and probably my best birthday ever. this was the first birthday i've had in forever where i actually have "friends" ...usually it's just chris and me on my birthday. it was so interesting and wonderful to have friends on my birthday! ! ! so anyway, after that first tear-filled part of my birthday, i woke up at something like 3pm, and then walked over to off the record to see if i could catch jason and shiloh, but i missed them....so then i went back home and then my marcy and kate and the invisible sam came over...and they brought me a present!!! *grin* all pretty-i-ly wrapped and everything!!!!!!!!!! it was this supercool retro pink and orange tray with 4 matching plastic dot glasses and 2 margarita glasses and 2 other glasses filled with hershey's hugs and also the caramel kisses (whatever they are called), the glasses were all taped to the tray and wrapped up as one with pink ribbon at the top. also taped to the tray was the cutest black with pink stars ID/cigerette case (which i put gum in! lol!), and a black and pink with stars punk bracelette :) they also got me the coolest card i have ever seen!!!!!!! like really, not just the best one i've ever gotten, but the best one i've seen in my life...it even has glitter on it! it's a champagne glass with the most adorable pin up girl on it and bubbles. [oh and they brought me mexican food too!] after opening my wonderful present(s), they took me to costco and we spent $140 on food and alcohol for my party...$60 of it was my b-day money from family, and $60 was from marcy and sam gave me $15. it really didn't buy that much!! i still need to get way more stuff for my party...if you want to know what i got, then you have to come to my party and find out!!! hehehe...so then we went to ikea and i bought star napkins :) ...jason called while i was in Ikea and invited me to go see the yeah yeah yeah's with him and b and shi, and i thought that was really sweet. anyway, so then we went back to my house and hung out for a bit, while we waited for chris to get back...chris came back with the most beautiful exotic looking flowers in a vase and 2 birthday cards for me!! (2 cards because we are weird like that...hehe...) everyone went "awww" when he walked in with the flowers and kate was like "i'm jealous!!!" (because her boyfriend just messed up her birthday! the stupid jerk!) anyway, oh and then Mike and Sarah and some other people called me :) and then i went to dinner at "the place with the bread" (La Strada) LOL ....i actually said that to chris: "i wanna go to that one place with the bread!" and he knew exactly what i was talking about, even though there isn't really anything special about their bread (but it is good) ...i don't even "love" the food there, but i do love the bread and the chocolate flourless bread, which i got of course, along with pasta and some wine...we ended up spending $64 including the $8 tip. it's funny how, as poor as we are, we think nothing of going to the resterants downtown...we lived in orange county too long, and those "expensive" resteraunts just seem "normal" to us....i'm pretty sure chris is going to get a few overdraft charges from my birthday...someday he will learn to plan better!!!!!!! he didn't even order my birthday present until the 7th! then he was mad that it didn't get here in time!!! LOL!! he's so silly...he doesn't seem to understand how the world works yet...things take more than 2-3 days to ship, no matter what they say! anyway, so my uncle, (jason), my mom and MY DAD(!) all called me during/before dinner. (i also missed calls from Patrice and my grandma earlier in the day) ...oh and the resteraunt gave me a free shot and free tiramisu with a birthday candle :) ...i didn't really like either very much, but hey, since when do i ever like anything?! LOL....anyway, i was supposed to go out to a bar with chris and sarah, but chris was tired, so i let him sleep and then sarah never called back for some reason (???), so i hung out with my jason instead...he needed some cheering up! we went to some little bar that was cool enough to have a modest mouse song! (lol) ...i got a lemon drop martini and took over an hour to drink it...i even caused jason to take almost that long to drink his vodka tonic...oh and we bought a baguette from the random breadman who seems to be selling bread everywhere i go! we stayed at the bar until the lights came on, and then we hung out and talked for a bit after that.
anyway, my birthday was filled with so many friends and wonderful people and i'm grateful for all of them! :) and now to do homework...no sleep for me!!!!!!!! :( *waahhhh*
this is my friend Mari ("madi"):
vita2400: OMG MAY!!
pretendtobreathe: :-)
vita2400: HAPPY BDAY!!!!
pretendtobreathe: awwww thank you :-)
vita2400: my alarm on my phone kept going off saying "Its May's bday...its may's bday!!!"
vita2400: LOL
vita2400: i wouldve called you earlier but...i was working alll day
vita2400: i just got off
isn't that the sweetest thing ever?!? she set her phone alarm just for me!!!!!!! :)
oh my god!! my friends are soooooooo sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kate, marcy, chris, sam, sarah, (and even jason <3, who called and made sure i had something to do on my b-day.) i'll write more later!
....i'm off to dinner and then a bar or club thing! (oh yeah and then at 3am i get to do homework!)
in the end, it has always been that chris has been the one that was there for me. whenever someone hurts me or abandons me, he's always been there to cheer me up. (yeah, even the times when it was *him* that hurt me. lol)
a song off of one of his old mixtapes:
So now you wait for his spark, you know it'll turn you on
He's gonna make you feel the way you wanna feel
When he starts to lie, when it makes you cry
You know I'll be there, my day will come
I know someday I'll be the only one HOPE - Descendents
and another one:
I'M The One
I'Ve Been Here For You All Along
I'M The One
Who'S Shoulder You'Ve Been Cryin On
Nice Guys Finish Last
No One Knows As Good As Me
We'Re Just Good Friends
And You Come To Me For Sympathy
You Tell Me That I'M Not Your Type
Still You Call Me Late At Night
Everytime He Picks A Fight I'm the One -Descendents
he gave me these tapes over 5 years ago, but still, he's the one that's always here for me when i'm sad or lonely or all alone, or in need of a friend, or anything...he's always done so much to cheer me up. he's so wonderful.
i remember once i was sad and so he came took me to the park at like 3am and we ate ice cream with a big spoon(which was hilarious to me/us). we were only friends at that time, i was dating this guy anthony, but chris still stuck by me, and in the end, he always seems to end up wining the game....
i guess it's just been awhile since i've needed him or allowed myself to need anyone, so i had forgotten....i could almost (decide to) be in love with him again, but i just don't feel like being in love with anyone ever again...it hurts way too much. boys just suck overall. they are too thoughless and careless with my heart.
kate and i have had the WORST birthday luck. her birthday was on monday and everything bad happened to her on that day....let's see how much worse my birthday can get now!!!!!! weee!
so far, i have had such a schizophrenic birthday! is it a good or a bad birthday? no one knows! so first, instead of getting my homework done like i wanted to, i got ready to go out with my friends instead...(after crying and listening to the song: mad world. ....hide my head i want to drown my sorrow. no tomorrow, no tomorrow...... children waiting for the day they feel good. happy birthday, happy birthday... ) someone had the cool idea to take me to a bar at midnight...so i was all excited about that...i completely forgot that people lie and brake plans ...you'd think you wouldn't be lied to on your birthday, you're 21st birthday, but no, people really suck. so i wasted all that time (too excited/tired to do homework/ didn't have time to sleep-even though i only had 2 hours of sleep last night, which makes less than 14 hours of sleep total in the last 4 or 5 days.) and got all ready...i even took another shower and blow-dried my hair, like i do every time i go out, and new make up, and i ripped my closet to shreds to find the perfect thing to wear....and yeah, so my lame friends changed their minds and so i called my Sarah, who was incredibly sweet, but couldn't hang out cuz of sucky homework, and the *second* she answered the phone she sang happy birthday to me!!! so that was a happy moment! but then after that (or maybe even before that too), i cried and cried...all alone for my 21st birthday...i tried to call marcy, but no answer. then finally i tried to wake up chris, but he just snapped at me and said he was too tired to go buy alcohol with me...and i was like "but this is the first time i get to buy alcohol legally!" but no luck, and the crystal girl called for the millionth time that night, so he went to check his messages. so i left to the store with the plot to buy alcohol and go drive around and then go drink on the roof all by myself to mope and then cry myself to sleep up there. i grabbed a handful of my old mix tapes that chris had made me back when i was like 15,16,17 for the car, because i didn't have "mad world" on tape. turns out it was a good thing, i brought those tapes.. i had forgotten how much i loved "real" punk, i had forgotten that it existed almost...it was fun to drive (in tears) and sing to things like guttermouth and also the song that goes: "where are you now, i want to talk to you. i'm sitting here alone, waiting by the phone...i wait for you" so then i wandered around sav-on for at least 20 minutes trying to choose what should be the first alcohol that i was going to legally buy...i finally decided on my favorite wine, livingstone red rose, because it doesn't have a cork and i thought that would be the easiest thing to drink all alone on the roof without feeling poisoned... anyway, and of course i bought some candy and gum too...i whined to the lady at the counter about how i was all alone and it was my 21st birthday and then i looked all gothic-like, so i wondered what she thought of me...and so then i went out to the car, and FINALLY, chris to the rescue and he called! (he had called once in the store too) ...he was like "it's your birthday!" and all happy and stuff, and was so ready to be there for me, and i was like "um it's too late, i'll already bought my first alcohol all by myself! you missed it you're too late" ...he finally convinced me to come home, and so after sitting in the parking lot of sav-on all by myself, eating candy, i drove the car recklessly home, scaring away the car full of boys that were looking at me. i turned up my punk music really loud and sang...i even sang the words to chris over the phone, while trying to describe the song to him --- something i NEVER do. i don't sing usually. like never. i was just sooooo upset that i almost felt drunk!!! anyway, i got home and chris poured us wine, he drank 4 glasses before i even finished one. to try to cheer myself up, i opened the presents from my aunt. they were actually really cool! a star necklace w/ ribbons, antique star hair pins, some "free" clinique makeup stuff in a cute little bag, stationary/card things with stars on them, cool star material to make something out of with matching thread, a book that i would like to read, IF i had time, a soap, trader joe's gift certificates, a little $$, and best of all, antique star (wine?) glasses from 1900 or so! they were almost the same as the ones i had found and wanted a couple years ago...!!! i have a couple ice cream dishes that match them already :) ....she had to look around a lot to find them... and with the other presents, it looks like she had definitely done her research (aka: hung out at my site a lot... LOL) but yeah, so opening those cheered me up a bit and i threw the wrapping paper on the floor for fun and told chris that he would get to pick it up, hehehehe....anyway, then chris and i ended up laying on the floor listening to old mix tapes and singing to them...i can't believe we both actually remembered the words... we ended up talking a tiny bit and then chris kissed me a bit...we kind of wrestled around in the wrapping paper...hehe..it wasn't quite right though...i was a little to sad to feel like making out....and i'm still not even really drunk...oh well...eh...birthdays suck....i wonder how the rest of my birthday will turn out?!
today started out perfect and sunny, but of course, i wound up crying and depressed in the end. jason took me to school, i saw my cicely, i laughed with my sarah (and kara too) and i talked with marcy and kate...we even sat on the ground in the sun for a bit....but somehow my happiness wore off and i was left feeling emotionless which turned to sadness....i guess i can blame it on my lack of sleep, but still, it sucks...tomorrow i turn 21...i should be HAPPY! ...but i feel completely depressed instead, and not really for any specific reason...
oh but one good thing, "dj owns one" just IM'd out of me nowhere a bit ago and offered to do the lighting for my party!! (for free!) that is just sooooo sweet...totally out of the blue! and i was just worrying about lighting yesterday/today ...but i never said anything outloud about it. there must be a God! hehehe.... it always feels like there's something up there looking out for me...i always feel kind of safe and taken care of, magically....
oh and another good thing, chris made me chicken and FLAVORED potatoes! lol he also cleaned the house, for my birthday like i asked. :) ..but i still feel dead and depressed.
awww how sweet Jason is taking me to school today - if it wasn't for him, i'd be late!! hehehe....he called to wake me up...and of course, i needed that, because i was stupid and turned off my alarm and went back to bed! hahaha...i really should try HARDER to go to bed on time!!!
just a really sweet memory i have of chris: back when i actually was in love with chris, and when he would have done anything for me (actually, he still would do anything for me, except manage his money properly and keep the house clean!), i was at the mall with my evil group-home parents and i reeeeeeeeeally wanted these star shoes. we had to keep our money in the office at the group home, and i hadn't asked to take mine along or something, so i didn't have money *with me* to buy them, and the dumb group home parents wouldn't let me borrow money!!! grrr!! there were only 2 pairs of these unique shoes left, and back when i was 15 years old, it was impossible to find things with stars on them, so these were extra rare, and i would have died without them! i don't think i've ever wanted something so badly in my life. (lol) anway, with no other option, i put them on hold under chris's name and then called him and told him the situation. he stole his parents car and bought them for me and sent to me in the mail...it was the sweetest thing ever! i will always remember that. it's actually been in my head a lot lately for some reason. too bad that chris doesn't exist anymore. i miss him. he was so sweet, smart, nice, kind, clean, sensitive, caring, loving, understanding and 10 million other things. that same chris also gave me my first rose for valentine's day, along with $60 of the coolest makeup ever. that was 5-6 years ago...it sucks how relationships go from wonderful to horrible....
someone wanted to know why i spend time with/talk about jason and tom, but not ever really my own boy. well...it's because tom and jason actually make effort to make my life better, instead of worse!!...like going dancing with me and being fun, or helping me with homework or buying me coffee...(and i've bought them coffee too, but now i'm broke! so i can't do that anymore!!!)
from a december 19th email: "I soooooo want to make you happy and go out with you and make sure you're having all the fun you deserve." isn't that sweet!?!
chris, on the other hand, won't even clean the house!! i am constantly picking up his clothes and towels off the floor! and so on! he seems to purposely make my life HARDER than it has to be! and he doesn't ever really want to go dancing (maybe he will when i'm 21...), he never takes me out to dinner, i have almost ALWAYS paid for that kind of stuff, and i paid for all the school dances we ever went to, and so on! i'm sick and tired of being the "boy" in the relationship...i've spent way over $5,000 on chris over the years and he owes me another $10,000 ... he didn't even get me a birthday present for my 17th b-day or an anniversary present for our 2 year anniversary....i'm sick and tired of pouring effort and money into our relationship and getting nothing in return...as people tell me: i'm the girl!!! i'm supposed to be spoiled and taken care of...i want that! when chris can learn to treat me like i've treated him, and put in the same amount of effort and love into our relationship, then i'll hang out with him...but until then, i'm hanging out with people that treat me a little better....even if i'm too nice to let them waste their money and buy me drinks...teehee
wow. people are so nice to me latley! people have never been this nice to me---maybe it's because i never ask for anything, maybe it's because i never take from them, but whatever the reason, people are being wonderful lately. it all started with marcy a few months ago. marcy always takes care of me and now because of my birthday party, i've finally given in and asked people for help instead of trying to do it all myself...[i'm never like that---i usually never trust anyone to help me- usually i get things done better myself, or at least feel that way, or feel more in control that way.]....but anyway, it's sooooo cool to find out how sweet my friends are! i never knew people were nice! you know almost all this already, but sweet little Sarah offered me her house to use for my party, and then wonderful Lisa is DJ-ing for me, and Hollywood Ray, Marcy, and my friend Patrice are helping out with money for alcohol and food, and then my sweetest doll Jason helped me with my flyers (and Chad too!) and is now letting me use his stereo/speakers for my party to hook up to Lisa's turn tables...and he might even help me make food for my party :)
oh yeah, but my point to all this was that Tom was so sweet and helped me with my philosophy paper and it's done, so now i'm soooo less stressed!! oh and he also gave me my b-day present: champagne flutes, just like i had wanted!
anyways, thank you guys for all being so nice to me!!!! i really appreciate it!! i've spent so so so so many years being nice to others without ever much in return, so it's nice to be loved and helped for once :)
writing something happier....because jason told me to. well let's see....um....last night i went to lestat's and tom tried to help me with my paper, but i just could not think! so he took me home at like 12 and we are going to try this again tonight instead. HOW FUN! grrrrrrr.... anyways and then after that i hung out with jason for a bit and he brought me a CD and cheered me up a bit...the end. was that happy enough for ya, J?! no? yeah, i know...i tried!! OH!! and chris bought milk!! yay! finally! and with his own money! (ummm....but does that mean there's going to be an overdraft charge? LOL!)
it really would be so much easier just to die. it really would. i feel so unloved and alone. i guess you could say that i'm not alone, that there's someone here for me technically, but i'm soooo not feeling it. and physically, at the moment, i am all alone, and i'm hungry and i'm crying. i want to go "home". i want my mommy. i hate boys. they are too cold. i just want to be loved and taken care of. i had tons of candy (thanks jason) for breakfast and lunch and chris made me unseasoned flavorless pototoes for dinner...i'm so starving! i want to be kissed and fed! but instead i get to go write a phil. paper. yay. how am i supposed to think under these conditions!!?!! i just wish i could go move in with my mom and be a baby. life is too hard for me.
chris has been cheated on enough times to not cheat on me, because he knows how bad it hurts...so i guess he really hadn't cheated on me *yet*, but we talked for a bit today and i guess he does like her (which is worse than *just* cheating), or he's confused..or something...she gives him the temporary happiness that he wants (since from me, all he gets is yelling and stress about money and stuff)
because he's my chris and we are soooo emotionally connected, (even though it doesn't feel like it anymore), i can pull all the thoughts right out of his head; i can *feel* all his thoughts, and so even when he doesn't want to tell me something, i already know and understand exactly what he's going through and so all i have to do is tell him how i sense he's feeling and i'm right like 99.9999999% of the time (says chris)...but anyways, i know how he feels, and i know that i could easily lose him by doing this, but i said that it was okay if we had an open relationship...so that's what we are doing...
he can see other people, i can see other people, but we still own each other's souls. (aka: we are still together too, but we never even really kiss or anything anyway, so yeah....) oh yeah and the rules are: no sex or spending money on the other people.
i wonder if i'm going to be able to handle this? i feel like i'm strong enough, but i don't really think i am. but i think it would be good for chris to see how other girls are and stuff...he needs to grow up and experience life a little.... people our age should NOT be in long term relationships like ours...it's just way too early in life...
me wanting to die so that i don't have to write my physics philosophy paper: pretendtobreathe: i'm thinking that it would be easier to just die than continuing living with all this dumb stuff
Tom: oh may. how depressing is it to have an unopened birthday present for a dead girl? you wouldn't do that to me.
pretendtobreathe: LOL
pretendtobreathe: oh alright, i'll wait a week
p.s. this is like the forth time i've done this! I keep saying "physics" when i mean "philosophy" !! what is wrong with me?!?!?! i've been doing it all quarter....
he says he's not cheating... and yet, the text messages on his phone from that bitch say: "heehee thinking of you cutie" and "i miss you love..." *delete, delete*
marcy made me take an online quiz thing.... this is the stuff from the results that we thought were right, lol:
You need someone who will devote their life to you and worship you constantly. You are a hopeless romantic and crave attention. If they do not meet your standards, you would dismiss them very easisly. You are VERY picky about who you date or want to date. Your ideal dream men would be Jack from Titanic, Legolas from Lord of the Rings, Will from Pirates of the Carribean, and Romeo from Romeo and Juliet. You probably are very insecure and lack self confidence, but hide it under a mask. You need to constantly be entertained which is why you hang out with people who make you laugh a lot. Being bored is hell for you. You are very clean. be a copycat and take the silly little quiz! hehe
i don't care what you say!!! the spaghetti factory sucks! ick! that's the second time i've been there and it's just soooo disgusting! i would expect better from a place specializing in spaghetti! what a waste of $10! actually $20, because i had to pay for chris too, (yeah, now i'm REALLY broke! FUN!) you guys are all brainwashed by this brand name thing! listen to me! that place sucks!! frozen lasagna is like 50 times better than what they serve, and even Denny's has better salad!! in fact, i'd choose denny's over that place any day! i'm so not kidding...they have the worse pasta and lasagna and salad and bread ever!
but yeah, the real story: my old friend (okay, fine "our" friend) Phil is visting from Japan, and we went to dinner with him and his girlfriend tonight. It was so nice to see him again! I love to tease and make fun of him, it's great! hehehe ... as soon as i save up some money, i want to go to japan to visit him...go clubbing in Tokoyo and all that stuff....but anyway, it sucks, he's not going to be able to make it to my birthday party... ima cry :(
today jason brought me over TONS of candy and then got my flyers printed for me, oh and he bought me some frozen yogurt...he's such a doll! oh and his cool friend at the flyer place hooked us up....thanks a lot!!! (i'm sorry, i'm bad with names, but i know you're reading this! so yeah, thanks! hehe...) oh yeah, but my flyers didn't turn out too good, because i am an idiot and saved them with the wrong resolution! i could have sworn i set it at 300, but turns out it was only 100...oops! oh well, at least they are printed on cool paper! tee hee...
may's life is prolonged for yet another day. LOL well, i guess that since i have to live, might as well make the best of it, right? (as in, going out instead of moping at home) thank you darling friends for being sweet to me and cheering me up! even though i didn't want to be cheered up at first!! lol
tom stopped by and left me a beautiful daffodil and a note on my steps. he told me he was going to leave it there, so that i didn't have to see him, because i told him that i didn't feel like talking to/seeing anyone. (this is so cool! i have a vase on my desk that hasn't been empty since valentine's day!! everytime my flowers are dead for a bit, i get new ones! i never ever get flowers... this is so neat! hehehe)
and my marcy came over and cheered me up and dragged me out of the house. we went to eat mexican food, and she stuffed me full of food, since chris has been starving me, and then she dragged me over to lestat's so that she could meet tom, who was studying there. we chatted with him for a bit, but we were mainly being in love with each other and i don't think we paid enough attention to tom.
so the last straw of the day, the one that pushed me into insanity, was when i finally saw that chris who had been borrowing my ATM card to get gas (i was secretly keeping $400 in that account for emergencies) had spent almost $300 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which means now i REALLY am broke. which means i'm going to be even MORE stressed out, now that i don't have the security of that money...so next time chris can't pay all the rent, we're screwed, cuz i have no money to help anymore. all my savings money is gone. oh and now i can't go to coachella!!!!!!!!!! :(
...yeah, so the stupid idiot used my ATM/visa card to go to 7-11, denny's, round table, a taco place, a deli, and some other things... i mean he bought gas too, and spent $45 when i told him to buy groceries and only bought tomatoes and some other things that amounted to nothing! ....i could have spent that amount of money and gotten SO much more food!!!!
grrrr i'm just so mad! boys suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it used to be that chris would hurt me. (emotionally) but then he'd be the one that loved me, the one that i loved, the only one that couls take the pain away and so i'd always run to him to make me feel better. how fucked up is that? he should have been calling me and saying sorry!!!! i shouldn't have been calling him!!! i guess i was too needy.
i guess i haven't changed much either. someone keep the phone away from me.
there is no comfort. there is no shoulder to cry on. there is no one. there is nothing. i can't think of a single reason to live. life is endless pain. the simplest things are too hard. the littlest things hurt soooo terribly. and the fact that NO ONE CARES makes all the pain i live through completely pointless. i'm crying right now, and yeah, i could call a friend, but they don't really care, so i don't even want to. i want someone to love me, someone to hold me. but there is no one. what is the point to this stupid world?
boyfriends used to be people to run to, people to confide in, people you could trust, people you could cry to, that would kiss you and make you feel all better, that would take away the pain, that would give you a reason to live....
...but not anymore. now they just make me cry. hurt me. let me down. make me feel alone. and hopeless. and if not that, then stressed out and frusterated and mad. but in the end, it's only sucidal.
i think i'd be better off and happier if i just stayed in my room and never talked to anyone. people only cause pain. if i had some kind of thing i could just drink that would make me die instantly and softly, i would drink it right now. i would.
update (ha ha):...actually, i know of the perfect painless way to die, as far as i know i made it up. and it doesn't involve anything that's too hard to get. if it wasn't for that CHANCE that when we die we go to someplace WORSE than here, i would kill myself. actually, i would have killed myself 8 years ago. maybe even before that too. supposedly, if you kill yourself, you are supposed to go to hell, so i figure it'd be really dumb if i killed myself just to end up some place that's worse than here. but if it wasn't for that, i'd die....oh and i think we should ALL die. this place sucks. maybe i'll grow up to be one of those crazy mass murderer people and i'll like blow up the entire world or something.
i swear i waste at least 45% of my life waiting for other people to call me/(answer their phone)/get ready/show up/email me/im me/do something that they told me they'd do/etc.
does anyone else feel like this? i'm so sick of wasting time.
so, you've always wanted your link on my link page? well, now's your chance! you can now buy a text link which will be could be seen by up to 35,000 people a month (my current number of visitors each month). yeah, so click here and buy a text link!!!
tonight i stared at some random art, and some other random thing that was really beautiful, listened to some cool music, watched a guy read some poems and yeah, that was about it. oh yeah, and jason was with me. earlier today i went to coffee with marcy and her friend. that's all. but i had a good night.
oh and just to darken things up a bit, so that you don't get bored with my current happiness.... a poem from 2/26/04
because speaking causes pain
she's holding her tongue
she's faking a smile again
and no one cares at all
no one sees the same
speak, and be judged
frown, and be abandoned
but you must speak to go on
in more ways than one
but she's holding her tongue
hiding the pain inside.
and here's basically what it means:
you talk about your weekend, and people judge you.
OR you talk, and people don't listen or care what you are saying.
both hurt. so it's better not to talk.
even when you want to share your thoughts and feelings and experiences with your friends.
but if you don't talk, then no one wants to hang out with you, because you're no fun.
sometimes it's better just to keep it all to yourself
OR
find better friends that don't make you feel like that....
oh and...I'M HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!, at least for the moment...guess what?!?!?! electroclash/80's DJ Thaelia is going to be spinning at my b-day party!! (aka, Lisa) AND, the lovely Sarah is letting me hold my party at her house!!!!!!!! On top of that, Jason is helping me to print my flyers and Marcy is chipping in a little bit of money for alcohol, (although i still need to sell myself into prostitution to get more money for that...LOL!!)!!! Friends are SO wonderful!!!!!!
Yeah, so THANK YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH you guys!!!!!! You rock!!!!!!!!! You are the people that keep me from killing myself!!!!!!!!! lol ....(yeah, or you are at least postponing my death...lol)
i went to a playground! weeeeeeee! yes. that's right. i went to a playground. and you didn't! jealous? LOL ....so anyway, i went to lestat's with tom again to study, and ended up not being able to focus, even with tom trying to make me. at least he was good and got his work done. i was too restless, and so i wrote in my paper journal instead. oh yeah, and i tried to chatter away at him a bit too. OH!!! and guess who was at Lestat's?!?!? Tamara!!!! the girl i met at Tainted Love !! i guess she's dating tom's friend now! if it hadn't have been for me finding Lisa, and then going back inside to get Tamara, (instead of leaving her to dance all by herself), these two would have never met! i think that's soooo weird, how me being at that party caused a relationship to form that wouldn't have happened otherwise. i mean, of course there may have been other factors that caused them to meet, but still, if i hadn't have danced with Tamara when she was all alone inside, i think that there's a big chance that she would have just stayed dancing all alone that night...it was type of place, where people weren't that friendly and she looked too content dancing by herself, almost as though she only wanted to dance alone...i've been meaning to call her and give her my number...hehe..i'm so bad at that 'calling people' thing...i really need to get better at it...anyways, so after failing with the studying thing, tom and i looked around for a playground (oddly enough, it was not MY idea...LOL) and we found one and then we played on all the things at it, and walked on all the tables and climbed on everything there was...it was really fun to be at a park at night...it felt all magical and stuff...i swear, these older boys must just look at me and think: 'hey! it's a 5 year old, let's take her to the park!' ... lol...cuz jason took me to a cool little park once too, only we didn't get to run around at all cuz chris called me and took up all my time!! : ( but that other park was really cool too! both reminded me of somekind of eerie dr. suess land place. now i feel like going and climbing trees! hehehe...
"you're a lot deeper than you pretend to be." LOL (from a short AIM convo)
Tom: i'm never sure what to think of you. I like that.
me: how so?
me: what do you mean?
Tom: you're a lot deeper than you pretend to be. I guess that's what caught my attention about you.
Tom: just very shielded I think.
Tom: rather not let people close or to see you.
me: hmmm
Tom: or I could have no business guessing, I don't mean to be more intrustive than i'm welcome to be. It's equally hard to pin down what you think of other people.
me: "i'm deeper than i pretend to be" LOL i like that. lol ...but i'm not trying to look un-deep ! lol
me: be as intrusive as you like :-) i'm all about being intrusive and open!
me: lol
me: i hate how i come across as "un-deep" lol .... it's really not on purpose... how do i fix that???!?
Tom: not quite what i meant. I think you're very good at fitting in.
Tom: which means you can be a lot of different people.
Tom: what you have to be.
Tom: but there's a may under there that I can kinda see sometimes that makes me want to know her.
me: i see
me: you're very good at figuring things out :-)
Tom: when I want to be, i'm equally good at ignoring things that deserve to be ignored.
Tom: but without spoiling my resolve to try, do many people get to know may?
me: well...i think everyone who wants to gets to.
me: anyone that will listen maybe
tom talking about me reminds me of me talking about jason...jason and i are kinda the same on a certain level....at least *i* think so.
complain, complain, complain! you know, if you want something done, you have to do it yourself...i'm really sick of unreliable people!! i swear, there is no one i can trust! i hate people!!! on top of that, i'm really mad at chris...you think it's hard to be mad at someone you never see or talk to you? well, it isn't!! i was up till like 4am last night trying to clean my house, AGAIN!! i'm SO sick of chris just throwing his clothes all over the floor, leaving dishes around and stuff, and he keeps leaving the toothpaste cap off, and he keeps using my razor, and he doesn't ever do this dishes fast enough, and he keeps leaving the butter out, and he never cleans and he's never home anymore, so we haven't gone to the store, so there is like no food in my house, and i need to get laundry soap, and there are bills that are unpaid, and i just can't stand this!!!! it's stupid little things like these that ruin a perfect relationship!! who the hell wants an irresponsible boyfriend?! what the hell do i need him for?!?! i'd be better off all alone!!! what ever happened to the responsible-type boys from the 50's?!?! the ones that make you feel safe and taken care of?! boys are so lame nowadays! there's no reason to ever marry them! they suck! girls are much better off alone! i feel like i'm a mom having to pick up after chris...all he does is make my life harder and more stressful. and i wish he would stop being a loser and get a second job so that he could pay me back the money he owes me...i'd really like to have it so that i could buy a car! i can't believe i ever tryed to keep him from getting bad credit ... how stupid of me... helping him pay his bills...when i only made $400/month and he made $1,600 ... what the hell is that?!?! where did all his money go?! and i was only 17 back then...i'm just sooooo frusterated and mad! oh yeah, and another thing, so i like never touch my CD's...they are all old from like 8th grade and stuff, and i was looking at them last night and they are all in the wrong case and some are missing and all sorts of stuff...what the hell is chris touching my CD's for???? he's got his own CD's to ruin and scratch... and now he's ruining mine?!?! where are my missing CD's?!?!? i want them! this isn't fair!!! all chris does is ruin my stuff...and he's so dumb that he doesn't even realize he's doing anything wrong!! he just drives me crazy!!!! i'm so stressed out by him and this stuff that i can't even do my homework! i can't focus!!
even though some of them are bad at keeping secrets and full of drama, (a word i think is dumb and NEVER used or understood until i met them), Ravers are actually very, very, very nice people. So many of them are so loving, caring, compassionate, helpful, and sharing...the list goes on. They are always willing to share their cars with you and drive you to far away places, or give you gas money, or buy you food. Already i've had lots raver DJ's willing to spin at my birthday party for free, even ones i don't know (only none of them spin the right kind of music)....I've had people i just met helping me out and offering me places to hold my party at (they were just too far away - LA), and asking their friends if i could use their places....One raver friend of mine even got permission to let me hold my party at his work, like after it was closed and stuff...he also founds some friends (that were too far away) that would let me use their houses...so basically, if i wasn't so picky, i could have a huge party with multiple DJ's ... like my own little rave...hehehe...but no, i'm picky, and i need a house in san diego, and i'm still hoping i can get someone to spin electroclash at my party...but those people are hard to find lately...but yeah, i just wanted to point out how sweet all the little ravers are, and i wanted to say thank you to everyone that is helping me out (or tryed to) with my party ...even those of you sweet ones that are not ravers ... *Marcy, Sarah, and Jason*
...hey, and if i know you, but don't have your address, click here and give me your info so that i can send you an invitation to my party!
today i finally met grace!grace and i have been talking on the internet for awhile now, sometime before the blonde redhead show i missed, and before last summer...she was talking about how she was going to ucsd, and we've been planning to meet forever, and today, she recognized me and came up to me and said hi! she was really nice and sweet just like she is online. :)
kind of strange. the light in my closet was burned out when i came home, and the clock on the wall had stopped (bateries died) and then when chris came home, he left his car lights on...luckily i noticed. yeah, that's all.
i did homework! it worked! yeah, so i went and did homework at lestat's with tom tonight, for almost 7 hours and for once in my life, i actually did my work instead of chattering away...i guess that's because boys are no fun to chatter with...lol...i don't know, but i met two interesting people named josh and stewart (i think) and then 2 other weirdos. i like lestat's ... there are lots of interesting people to keep me entertained. hehehe... yeah, but so anyways, tom brought his laptop for me to use and i finished writing my play, and then started on my 6 page paper... tom helped me figure out a thesis, so hopefully i'll be able to actually write the stupid thing...i've got like 5 hours to do it, i hope that's enough time...i usually write about a page per hour, so yeah...i'm a little stressed about that...oh and i'm hungry...i've eaten almost nothing all day, and chris isn't home to feed me...i hope he's not dead. it's raining...he said he'd be back after midnight, but he's not here...maybe he's sleeping at that crystal girl's house? hmmm....
9 more days until i turn 21! weeee! i'm actually not *that* excited though. i already know all the 21+ clubs around here suck. and i've already done everything that only 21+ years do...i've gone to clubs/bars, i've bought alcohol from a store, i've had drinks in a restaraunt...now there's nothing to look forward to...i want a car for my birthday!! lol ...and not a toy car!! i got one of those for my 16th b-day and it doesn't get me far! yeah, so if you happen to see my fairy godmother, tell her to buy me a car .... it really sucks, if i hadn't have lent money to chris and my mom and stuff, i 'd have something like $15,000 and then i could buy a car!! at one point i had $7,000 in my account ...i should have just bought some old car then, but i wanted a *new* car so that it wouldn't brake down...it's hopeless, i'll never have my own car! and i hate sharing a car with chris...it sucks!
in the light the dream dies
everything becomes clear
nothing is the same
eyes wide and open
the rough edges are exposed
stupidity realized
truth told too well.
pain inspires art. without pain there's just something missing ...ever notice how a bands first couple CD's are usually kind of dark or depressing (like the band Garbage)...or at least real or about hurtful topics? and then after the band gets famous, their CD's get worse and worse: the music seems to sound happier, the lyrics are more lightweight, and so on...it's always been my theory that while money and fame don't make you happy, they can temporarily. and they can make you happier even if they don't make you happy...so i think that fame/happiness ruins the band's ability to write the same types of "real" songs...
songs have different meanings to different people, i know, but a few weeks ago i actually paid attention to the lyrics of the song mad world for the first time and i felt as though i totally understood the song.... all of a sudden the whole thing was really clear to me ...almost as through the lyrics were in slow motion ...and it's the saddest song i've ever heard... you have to really listen to the song to get it though, just reading the lyrics doesn't really work....
