wow. i am soooooo out of it lately. i completely missed/didn't record gilmore girls for my tv writing class this last tuesday. and i didn't even realize it until now. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! i am soooo not myself lately. i seem to accidently pick up on traits of the people i hang out, which is not good! i am under so much stress that i just can't think straight or remember things like i used to. i hate being this way. i am falling apart.
awwwwww...jason brought me back a "fruit full" watermelon popsicle!! one of my favorite things to eat in the whole world....now i will be happy forever! hehehe
"mistakes too many. crazy but i wasn't always this way."
i really wish chris hadn't recorded over that song of mine. i don't think i'll ever be able to re-record it.
i've been quite self destructive lately. slowly, or actually *rapidly* falling apart. but today i'm feeling like i could maybe get my head on straight for the first time in months. hopefully this feeling stays.
hahahaha.... i'm at jason's house doing homework while he's off having fun for me with all the pretty girls. it's usually kind of strange to be at someone's house without them there, but i feel like i'm at home instead...jason even said i can have his mom! cool! LOL! and there's candy here! this is great! lol ... i've gotten a lot of homework done here and jason's even being a sweetheart today...no drama to distract me from midterms! yay! ok, back to reading. i have TWO midterms tomorrow! sooo not fair! i can't wait until i finish college one day and have time to spend with friends and time to think, and time to feel, and time to relax and time to play....
i was so excited when i found out about faction 6, a (san diego!!) electroclash/synthpop/britpop club that i could barely focus on homework....tonight is the second or third night the club has been around, and i'm sure it will be around next week, and the week after, but i still really really wanted to go to it tonight, because, despite the location, it sounds like it will be exactly the same kind of club i love so much that i go all the way to LA for, and i don't want to miss it ever, not even for one week...but here i am, studying for midterms instead...yay. i told jason about it last night and told him to go since i can't ...but yeah, stupid midterms.
feeling so very terrible and horrible, but yeah. at least i got an email that made me feel a little better...but i still feel like falling through the floor...
last night i went to the Fox Rox show at the casbah with sarah. It was a free show, yet still "sold out" in a way: there was a long line to get in, and the only way that line of people could get in was to wait for other people to leave the show. we were about to maybe skip the show and go to the ken club instead when we ran into Matthew, Angel's husband(?) from Maiden Taiwan ...turns out he works at the casbah and so he got us in! that was really cool of him...anyway sarah and i talked to some people we knew and met some new people....sat at the bar and drank water, watched some bands and stuff...that kind of thing...we saw scarlet symphony play again...after the show we finally met Josh, the drummer who had emailed me a couple times. then we left to go to the ken club, but ended up coming back and hanging out with josh and some other people instead. Josh gave me a SS shirt, and then we went to an after party at this house right next to shiloh's apartments...i guess it belonged to the sponser of the fox rox show, or somthing like that...i can't even seem to remember his name. Morgan had told me about the party first, but we ended up there only because everyone else did...we were orginally going to hang out at SS's practice studio....but yeah...anyway i ended up hanging out with josh until like 6:30 am ....sooooo not smart of me! i need to sleep for school!! but yeah, he was a pretty cool kid...
jealousy is the most deadly emotion ever. if you can repress one emotion in your life, try your best to repress this one. being jealous is sooooo incredibly destructive in every way. the one that is feeling jealous gets hurt or feels hateful, the other person gets mad or hurt or annoyed, and on and on and on, until it's nothing but a mess. the world would be a much much much better place without jealously. lately i've been trying my hardest to be "understanding" instead of feeling jealous or hurt or left out. it's extremely hard to do, but i think i'm doing pretty well with it so far. wonder how long this can last....
my friend pointed out how different i am in real life than i seem to be on this site and was saying how nice it is that i never really complain and that i stay positive and smile "even though (my) life sucks" and i have soooo sooo many bad and hard things going on...i just think that's it funny that i am seen in two opposite ways at the same time. if it wasn't for this journal, so many people would never know a thing about me. there are just too many problems, too many things wrong, that i just don't want to talk about them anymore. it's too much effort and work, especially when you have to repeat the same information over and over again. i remember marcy saying that this journal was helpful for her too, she can just come her to read about my problems and understand what's going on with me, and then our time spent together can be used for having fun and doing other things, rather than me trying to tell her all of the things that are wrong. so yeah, everyone should make a complaint journal like me!!! hehehe.... but it really isn't very helpful for the people who don't know me...you guys are only getting one side, especially lately, and it's like: "shut up! stop complaining already!" haha...
YAY! guess who's going to coachella!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? i just got tickets on ebay! and i'm driving there with my friend Gregg, and we are going to sleep in a tree. yay!
"i love you and the next time i chase a cow i'll be thinking of you" said chris b. on the phone. hahahaha he's so great! :) he's the coolest, sweetest boy i've never met. yay for internet friends. hehe. he's one of the most understanding, receptive people ever
instead of going out tonight, with cicely, marcy, yoshi, othe raver boys, or anyone else that wanted me to go somewhere, i'm staying home and trying to get some things sorted out. hopefully things will get better soon. you have no idea what a mess things are. too many stressful things all in my hands...i have been soooooo out of it lately that i haven't even listened to music for at least a week.
what are friends for? not to distract you and provide you with fun...although they can do that too, friends are supposed to be there for you, when you need them, and try to help you : ) that's why friendship is such a commitment, and can be hard at times....
jason and i are going to try to help each other with some things, because we both seem to be in the same state of despair, on a certain level (or 5 levels!) .... we both just need someone to "help" ...not with words, but with doing things.
hmmmm....Marcy seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to boys. she can spot a bad one right away. good job marcy! next time i will pay attention to you, hopefully. i really still do not know what i was thinking. you too Mia, sorry for breaking my own advice....
outside looking in inside out turned around twisted words, distant faces the other voices smile it's burning here, everywhere this place is not what it seems strawberry kiss that nobody saw came with water and hatred but still came at all.
window is broken it's shutting now twisted and tortured the repairman has run away dusty and dirty this place is alone now but still, strawberry kiss that nobody saw came with water and hatred but still came at all.
Heather seems to be a super-cool, smart understanding chick....every comment she has ever left for us has been super calm, intelligent, and wise.....If i could find a boy as understanding and smart as her, i would be happy....i love boys like that, they are rare and make the best people to have relationships with. you can just simply talk your problems out with them and be fine, and you can be honest with them, and they can be honest with you, and it's just sooooo super cool....unlike those sharks....hehehe....[inside joke]
this comment: " Just because he was married to you doesn't mean his level of commitment automatically goes up a notch I'm afraid"
....ummm, no. you don't get it. chris and i have an "open relationship" on purpose right now. i thought it would be best for him if he was able to experience life a little more...i was hoping it would make him a little more understanding, and give him a different perspective on things. i'm his first girlfriend, first kiss, and stuff...so i thought he might understand how the world works better if he dated other people...he's just doing it wrong and got himself into a too-deep relationship with an over-emotional, jealous girl in oceanside....that's not healthy...
sarah came over and cheered me up a little. "you know may, i told you, you should really lock your door when you're taking a shower" she says as she walks into my house ...it was really funny. i stopped crying after that. i have blue AND green hair now. i used the blue i had left over from a year ago....don't paint your hair when you are over-emotional...it turns out strange, like paintings. but yeah, you can no longer call me a dumb blonde, cuz the blonde is gone, so ha! i'm sure in a few days, when i want to wear something that is not blue, i will regret this...that's why i like to keep my hair blonde-so i don't have to worry about my hair not matching with my clothes, but whatever... tonight sarah and i dressed up and went to vice versa. neither of us drank. it was fun i guess, but i didn't get to dance enough, and jackie smothered me to death again and also pulled my hair at the after party! yay! fun! gotta love jackie! grrrr! she just out of nowhere just started pulling my hair and wouldn't stop until people made her. she also tried to kiss me, etc...it's getting really old. but yeah, sarah and i talked to Angel, the singer from Maiden Tawain and she made us dance on stage with her, so that was kinda interesting. she was a really cool girl. kindergarden teacher by day, semi rock star by night! hehehehe ....but yeah. yay. fun. i'm kinda depressed again. this world is so pointless and meaningless. live, live, live, and FOR WHAT?
too many things. too stressful. too hard. doesn't it EVER get any better?!?! i'm getting so sick of this!!!!! i just feel like laying in bed and not getting out. so i thought that chris had money for rent, but it turns out he's only got something like $100, even after not paying the phone bill, his car insurence, or anything else...like food!! we've only had food in our house once in the last two months or so...he spent all his money on things like fast food and 7-11 ...so now i've got his $1,100 cell phone bill hanging over my head, and then no money for rent ... and i just don't have enough money in my savings account for that ...
crying, crying, crying ... thinking about long long ago when chris and i were supposed to get married...things have only gotten worse and worse since then....soooo increasingly worse. we were happy back then. that not happening caused so many problems... where is the sun? when will happiness come back? and my mind keeps drifting to when i was little, when i had my mom, when things where okay ...and life just gets worse and worse instead. i'm feeling so bad that i don't even want to go dancing tonight. i don't think it will make me feel better. i don't even feel like talking to anyone about the way i feel. it is just so much easier that way. i'm sick of explaining, sick of people not understanding. sick of this place. sick of this world. it's too hard to keep going on and on, repeating the same things again and again, trying and trying and fighting and fighting and never getting anywhere ... i want to give up now, i've had enough now. no more.
You know, there are a lot more bad things i could say about Jason, and some good ones too! you guys really don't know anything about our relationship, you don't know anything at all about anything. You don't know me, and you don't know Jason ethier!! You espeaically don't know Jason! He's got a lot of sides to him, and a lot of stories, and he doesn't put any of them up on the internet, for a reason!! I'm not going to start some kind of blog war and continue this. I'm sorry that you internet people have nothing better to do than try to get into other people's business when you don't know anything at all. You can't email people advice when you don't know what the hell is going on. Someone mentioned that Jason never mentioned me in his blog much, well that's because he likes to keep his life private. The things i've put up here are NOT for your entertainment! they are to vent anger in what used to be a safe place, but obviously things are getting just a bit out of control. You can't take the things you read here to be "the whole story" or anything like that! This is just my blog to complain to! I don't write the whole story, i don't write the good things, i just write the things that make me mad...that's how it's supposed to be! that's the point of MY blog. a place to get out feelings and emotions and things. this is not supposed to be a soap opera or anything, and i think it's sick for you guys to treat it that way. Jason always said that you internet people don't have a fucking clue, well i guess he was right about something. Love ya J : )
hahahahah!!!! it took chris almost an hour to notice that my hair is green!! what a sleepy-head!! (yeah, btw, i have green streaks in my hair now, i did it last night, i'd take a picture, but someone STOLE MY CAMERA, so i can't! grrrr!)
oh and yeah, another complaint! do you guys know that i had to buy MY OWN drink on my 21st birthday?!?!?! that is sooooo lame!!! I even had to buy Jason's drink for him!!! Grrrr!! what a lovely 21st birthday!! The more i think about things, the madder i get, and i just can't sleep!! I have to wake up for school in an hour, this really sucks!!
Remember my post about "no longer associating with people that break plans" ? well i wrote that the night that jason was supposed to take me to LA and didn't. (he was also the one that made me cry on my 21st birthday!!)...but yeah, so this boy Jesse emailed me and told me that he'd put me on the guestlist for his new party/club "I-ROK" and so i asked jason if he wanted to be the one to go with me, or if i should find someone else to go with, Jason told me "we are soooooo there." and i believed him and didn't look for anyone else to go with. then, the night of the party/club, Jason tells me that he's not going because he's tired. so there i am, stuck at home, all alone, AGAIN, and it's two days too late to find someone to go to LA with. (Luckily my wonderful friends Gregg and Shi came to save me and forced me to watch music videos and comedy shows) but yeah, then later, in a drunken voice message, Jason admits to me that HE WENT TO LA THAT NIGHT WITHOUT ME!!! to the place the *I* was invited to!! To make matters worse, HE TOOK JACKIE WITH HIM! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
this is really bothering me right now, and that is why i'm writing about it, even if it was almost 3 weeks ago, (but like a week ago since i found out that he went, and with Jackie!!) and that's when we were still together too! grrrr! what a fucking jerk! he stood me up and lied to me, and then lied to me again by not saying he went (and with jackie!) and just grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! that makes me so mad that i could just punch him! i sooooo want to beat that boy up!!! L O S E R!!!! grrrrrrrrr!! hate, hate, hate, hate!!! i'm going to murder him AND chris!! BOYS SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! PEOPLE SUCK!! I HATE PEOPLE!! PEOPLE NEED TO ALL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [except for a few people are cool : ) like Sarah!! and Marcy! Kate! Gregg! Shiloh! Justin!! and those are all my "wives" and i only have super cool, super sweet wives! hehehe ....oh and yeah, there are lots of other cool people too, just too many to name, but you know who you are : ) ]
oh i just LOVE walking into my living room and finding a half full gallon of milk sitting on the floor!!!! LOL!! oh my goodness! half a pepperchini was also on the floor, plateless! this is the reason why chris and i just can't work out until he changes. he allllllllways does stuff like this and it just gets old. i'm sooooo sick of him leaving out food! and you thought YOUR room was a mess...hhmmm....you should see my HOUSE! (apt.) and this is the reason that no pictures were ever taken of my "new" apartment, i soooooo wanted to take pictures of how prettyful everything was, but i can't even keep the place clean for more than a second, and the carpet is soooooo ruined, thanks to chris, and everything else is slightly ruined too. it's so frusterating when i spend money on things just to have them ruined! chris is just a little too careless and disrespectful for me....it really drives me absolutely crazy....
So yeah, some of you have been waiting for this post for awhile, sorry, i'm so slow with these things sometimes! [Although it is "my blog" and i'm always yelling about it being "mine!", half of the things i write up here are not for me, but for other people, (you), usually in hopes that the things i say are helping someone else. i've received emails saying that things i write and do help other people, so that's one reason why i keep writing. but yeah, and sometimes i write for the curious people, so this post is for you...(otherwise i could just keep it in my head)]
anyways, so i got to see my little brother last friday!! for the first time in about 5 years, like i said before. but yeah, it was definatley a lot better than i expected it to be. it still was a bit strange though, because it wasn't one of those things like seeing an old friend....it was like meeting a new person instead....he had grown up a lot, and our "bond" wasn't there anymore, so it really was a bit like hanging out with a stranger, but it was still really cool. my little brother is the coolest little kid ever! he's extremely smart ...he's one of those people that spends a lot of time thinking, and he even thinks about money the way that i do....he's very mature and polite....i'm sooo glad he didn't turn out to be a "dumb" thoughtless little kid....even without being raised around us, he turned out to be a lot like my mom and i, it's really cool...but yeah, so we hung out near the beach and looked in tide pools and then talked a little and stuff. I gave him my punk/spike ring, and he thought that was really cool. then we went skateboarding and then we went to a little surf/skate shop and i bought him a hat ...and a small candy from 7-11...he was so greatful for the hat and the ring that i almost had to force him to get something at 7-11! he was like "oh you've given me enough..." but yeah, he was just the coolest kid ever...i soooo wish that i could have adopted him and taken care of him...i soooo would not mind getting a job and taking care of him....it's so great to have a little brother, to have family...but yeah, the people who are his parents now are pretty cool, so maybe in a way it's good that i didn't have to adopt him....lol...you can't really have your own life when you are taking care of a child...that child becomes your life and almost your reason for living...but yeah, anyway he was telling me how one of the older guys at his campsite was kind of mean to him sometimes, and i told him to tell him to tell the guy that he better be nice to him or else his sister would beat him up, so that was fun....i also explained to him that older people are often mean to younger kids without really realizing that they are being mean...they just have a different way of playing/sense of humour sometimes... anyways, he also said "i have the coolest sister ever" ....so that was rad...then we went to in-n-out to eat and we played with the sticker-picture-games that the younger kids had, and my brother made the coolest/random picture with the stickers...instead of putting them in normal places like the other kids, he purposely arranged them in random places for fun...like putting the car in the sky and having an old man stand on the cloud... he's definately a really cool little brother to have...it's too bad he lives so far away and i won't get to see him very often....
nooooooooo!!!!!! the first day of coachella is sold out!!!!!!!!! i reeeeeeeeeeeallllllly wanted to go!!! waaaaaaaah!! i would have gotten tickets months ago, but i was waiting to make sure i had someone to *go with* ....grrrrr ....i swear, not having a car causes soooooo many problems!!
if anyone has an extra ticket, i'll buy it from you!!!
i got the coolest thing ever today...haha...a box!!! it's the greatest thing ever...it came with the TV i bought ...lol ...no but seriously, the box is sooooo much more exciting than the TV...i can sit in the box, it's fun! hehehe...i'm such a 5 year old! i watched gilmore girls and ate dinner in a box! LOL ...practicing for being homeless you know, because all homeless people have TV's to watch! ....
but yeah, so i am no longer amish and i have a TV now!!!!!!!!!! i don't like having a TV, i was much happier without one, it has invaded my house...even chris feels the same way about it, but yeah, my wonderful aunt (and/or maybe grandfather?) helped me buy it ...because i have to have a TV to do my homework....i have to record and watch gilmore girls every week, and then i'm going to have to write an episode of gilmore girls, yay fun, along with various other assignments....
it is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nice to not have to be dependent on other people to watch TV anymore! i don't have to bug jason/marcy/shiloh anymore, it's really nice to not have to feel dependent. i hate feeling that way! it is the worst feeling ever.....like not having a car...that reeeeeeeeally sucks. like i can't even say to a friend "hey want to go to the beach?" because i don't have a car. if i say that, it seems more like i'm saying "hey i'm a car-less leech, take me to the beach, i'm using you!" when that is really not the case, but it feels like that ...so i can never really ask anyone to hang out ....i need a car now! i'm sick of being amish! (LOL)
xJPEGx: usually phone calls at a quarter to 3 are pretty urgent xJPEGx: unless you live our lives pretendtobreathe: HAHAHAHHA! xJPEGx: then it's just normal I guess
find happiness in the things that you do have, and don't take them for granted. (this advice is especially for me and jason) i think we both get so caught up in wanting things to be perfect, and wanting things to be a certain way, that we overlook what we do have. we need to stop painting pictures in our head and then expecting life to live up to that picture. that is the cause of our unhappiness. expecting things always causes disappointment. like getting your hopes up for chocolate ice cream and then getting vanilla instead....if you didn't expect to get ice cream at all, you'd be a lot happier, grateful and happy that you got ice cream in the first place!.... although, with the twisted (wrong) way that i think, i AM very ungrateful for vanilla ice cream! i would rather just not have ice cream if it's not the flavor i want! so yeah, maybe this problem of our unhappiness is unfixable .... maybe some people are just meant to be unhappy.... but maybe not ... who knows...it's just so hard to settle with what you do have when you know that things could be so much better if they were slightly altered....but you can't change some things, and not everything can always go your way, so you just have to live with that, deal with that, make the best of that, embrace and love what life gives you, and make the best out of everything....instead of complaining that the music sucks and pouting, dance anyways and try to make the best of it. (which i used to do, but lately i've been too picky and spoiled) ....
i just finally realized something, just now ... that whole "glass half empty/ half full thing ".... i finally get it! i understand life from the eyes of a positive person! *this will probably only last a second ...haha* i used to always joke: "the glass is half empty, and i have been CHEATED out of the other half! someone STOLE half from me! it's not fair! give it back!" ... but now i see it as "it's half FULL; i'm lucky that i have anything at all. at least i have something. i'm happy that it's not empty....a little is better than nothing at all"
but yeah, everyone needs to think like that! including me!
sometimes you find the perfect thing you've been looking for your entire life, and sometimes you find something completetly different and it's just as wonderful or maybe more so.
every time i decide what i want, my feelings seem to tell me i want something else. so strange. it's also strange how i can love and hate the same person (or cat!!!!!) at the same time. i miss my cat, i miss my brother, my mom, chris, and even Jason.... what is wrong with me?!?! emotions are strange ...
i am such an emotional mess right now, and i'm stressed over homework and money and things...
i'm starting to realize that some problems have no solution, and no matter what you do to correct them, the end result will be the same. and i'm talking about fixing oneself and not even trying to fix other people.
the best advice i was always too scared to take: "maybe if he lost you (at least for a while), he'd realize how important you are to him and would learn not to take advantage of you." - ?heather?
but now it's too late to take that advice, because he has some other girl to depend on (emotionally) that makes me him happy.
thought about moving in with Sarah .... but it's only that easy in theory. there are still way too many feelings and "rose colored" memories .... and also i know, that if we both had the energy, we could talk and make things better. but he's really too into blocking out me and paying attention to this girl for that too happen. i've hurt him too, so he's putting up walls and not giving me his emotions. ...but yeah, there might be something worth saving, is all i'm saying. i haven't stayed with him for 5 years for nothing! but yeah, if i could walk away, if i thought i could find better, i would.
and yes, there is "better" in the world's eyes. but that doesn't mean they are better to me. there are lots of people that are nice and sweet, but they are just not right for me. and yes, i'm terrible and i've been "comparing" other people to chris ... but why not? i expect them to be better than chris, or it's not worth leaving! and no one seems to beat him ... although lately a couple people are seeming better than him, maybe....
btw, he says he will work more to pay off that bill, so we will see how that goes. i'm sooooo tired and a mess from crying. life is too hard. a friend of mine and i were going to go on a "death date" and kill ourselves together ... lol ... marcy and i always used to talk about doing that... haha
it's past the point of talking and it's too hard to go on
no one will ever understand no one will ever make me happy, like you
who, this time, will save me from unhappiness? who will kiss away my tears? who will make me smile? who will love me the way i need to be loved? who will put up with my picky eating like chris? who will like the same furniture? who will take me to the park at 3am when i'm sad and eat ice cream with a big spoon with me and cheer me up? who will make me laugh? and not some fake laugh. who will understand? who will know me so well? who will love my mom ? who will hate the simpsons with me? (hate = not really care for) .... who will be there for me when i need someone? who will care about me? who will worry about me?
"i want to talk, i do, but i just am at this point where the words won't come out of my mouth, where talking doesn't help anymore, where i've talked so much that i can't talk anymore, can't feel anymore, can't deal with things anymore .... there is nothing i could say that would make anyone understand what i feel and how things are or anything"
HELP HELP HELP! i just dont know what to do anymore. my boyfriend's $1,100 phone bill is in MY name!!!!!!!!!! what a fucking idoit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why the hell can't he stick to his plan?!?!?!? his brain must be smaller than i thought it was! i HATE him so much i could just stab him and rip all his hair out!!!!!!!!!!!!
sooo....news for all of you children: i'm seeing my little brother tomorrow for the first time in like 5 years or so. he doesn't even remember me though, so we'll see how this goes....
a few different thoughts on things ....i soooo hate impulsive, revengeful, mean people .... and drama queens! even more than that, i hate people that over-react, people that are jealous for no good reason, and people that are possesive ... boys that are bitches are also pretty lame ... that's why i don't hang out with too many girls ... i can't stand jealous bitchy people ....they suck! chris has been really bitchy lately...it's sooooooooooooo awful...it makes me hate him!!
on another note, jackie stepped all over my shoes tonight, yet again. they are kind of ruined. yay. fun. i went out to club 80's tonight and didn't drink anything, haven't "drunken" anything since like sunday ... alcohol is mostly no fun anyway, but yeah, i still *felt* and acted drunk...so it was kind of funny...
i really love that i can either drink or not drink, and it's such a choice ... some people don't seem to have that choice, they are stuck with either not drinking ever, or drinking all the time, too much ... and i can just do whatever i feel like doing...oh and same thing with cigerette things ... jason bought me some cloves like i wanted a week ago, and i still haven't even pretended to smoke even one! real smokers would have gone through them in a day...
"did May notice the stains on the bed?" said the text message from crystal on chris's phone. yes, yes she did. what a stupid whore. sheets that i bought, bed that i bought. what is my boyfriend doing with this girl, on MY BED??? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
i kind of feel like going to jail for murder lately. hmmmm who shall i kill?
who am i suppost to invest my love in? seems as though there isn't any safe place.
lately i've been holding in all my feelings, almost subconsiously. writing everything here, or nowhere at all...not confiding in anyone for the most part....it's almost like a lot of my feelings don't even get to make it to "thought" form...kinda....it's really weird...they are just stored in some random place instead...and things have been affecting me strangely...i don't understand myself anymore ...my emotions are all messed up and stuff.
life just feels way too hard. i feel like i have this strong wall of ice holding me together, but it's almost melted in a few places...it's about to burst open and i'm about to fall apart. on top of everything else that i've been going through, i miss my cat, my plant is dying, and i have too much homework that is stressing me out.....
children, just wanted to let you guys know that i have like 500 comments (from the last month or so) and 600 emails (from jan- now) that i haven't responded to... and i feel bad that i haven't, but i just don't have the time to answer everyone, i'm sorry!! but i still READ everything you guys write, i just don't have the time to respond to them all...sometimes i pick a few emails to respond to at random, but that's about it.... i also haven't been updating the uniquists site either.... or responding to web design clients ... sorry!!!!!!!! i just can't do this anymore ... there isn't enough time!
yesterday chris didn't pick me up from school ...i called him, wondering where he was.... and like an idiot, he was getting his hair cut (even though the phone bill and car insurence aren't paid!) ...and i was like: "come get me first, i want a haircut too!" and then he told me he couldn't because he was with that whore crystal. he wouldn't even say "I love you" on the phone in front of her...that is soooooooo fucked up! i'm like "ummm hello! you're my BOYFRIEND!" grrrr! and then he was like "well i can't pick you up from school until 11pm or so, because i'm with crystal" ....what a fucking jerk!! i guess he didn't want us to be in the same car together, because he was in hillcest and not far away in oceanside. i don't know, but i was stuck in la jolla till like 10pm!! and poor Sarah was at my house half the day, waiting for me to get home!! (she's staying with me for a bit, because her car is broken and she can walk to the shuttle from my house and not hers) anyway, so i didn't get to go home and sleep like i wanted to, and i didn't get to go do my homework either! grrrrr! But, at least i did get to hang out with Marcy and Kate for awhile, which i hadn't done in forever! i love them so much! they are so understanding and cool! we all hate boys together, it's great! (oh and i love my sarah too!!!!!) Marcy and I got our hair cut at the mall (i hate my hair cut, they did a HORRIBLE job) and kate got her nails done ...we played with MAC makeup for awhile and then went to Victoria's Secret for a bit and Marcy bought me pretty pink lingerie! She is such a great wife! LOL (i'm saying that everyone is my "wife" lately, for fun. including boys! hahaha ... i have like 6 wives or so...i'm going to buy them all plastic rings...lol!!) oh and Sarah is a great wife too! She was going to cook me dinner! but i didn't let her ... yeah, but so anyways, Kate and Marcy and I went and had milkshakes and a little bit of food at friday's and then we had Marcy's boyfriend person take me home...i came home to find my Sarah waiting for me and we hung out and talked for a long time ....i need to make her a key for the front door of my apt.s, cuz my mom lost my extra key...
grrrrr!!! so that idiot that caused all that drama in LA doesn't think he did anything wrong!!!!!!!! what a fucking idiot! god! i knew that people were dumb, but didn't know they were THAT dumb! god!!! i guess that's what happens when you don't graduate from high school! you stay immature, ignorant, and annoying FOREVER! oh yeah, and then he wants me to not talk about him on my blog ...even if i don't use his name...i told him: "if you don't want to be in my blog, then don't hurt me!" it's really not that hard!
hehehehe.... i just got back from doing homework at a bar! (with tom). isn't that a random place to do homework?! i didn't drink anything and even actually got some work done! ... maybe next time i will be able to con sarah into coming with me ... i tried at like 4pm, but she thought it wouldn't work...but it did! so ha! hehehe...ok, now time for more homework and then hopefully sleep! i sooooooooooooooooo want to just sleep! tom wanted me to come sleep at his house, (and then he would drive me to school!), because he wasn't even going to sleep anyway, he was going to stay up doing physics all night as usual and was going to try to keep me up to have someone to talk to...but i decided against it, because it's just too hard for me to sleep at other people's houses, for the most part...unless someone is cuddling me or something...and even that doesn't work sometimes....oh how i wish i had a car so that i didn't have to walk partway to school!! night night. i mean, homework time! i feel drunk! i was even acting drunk earlier, but all i've had is a cherry sucker or two!!! it makes noooo sense...must be lack of sleep...?!
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww + wwwwwwwwww + wwwwwwwww (hehe) jason is the sweetest friend ever (on days we get along lol) ... he left a suprise for me on my doorstep! it was a little easter bunny and a prettyful bag full of soooo much candy! now, next time we are mad at each other, i can throw jelly beans at his head! hehehehe... thanks J, <3
if you haven't noticed, i'm not doing that "what i did last night" thing anymore ...i go out too often to write it all down, and i think that blogs that talk about that are lame for other people to read, so i'm turning this journal back into what it's supposed to be...my thoughts, feelings, and opinions on things...so when you read about events, they are most likely going to be bad ones...but this is my way of getting things out....so if i write something bad about a person, that doesn't mean that everything else about them is bad...just that one thing....but sometimes i'll write about how wonderful someone is, when i'm feeling that much love for them....
i had to panhandle in LA to get into a club!!! grrr! yeah, so i went to LA with one of my so called "friends" and he specifically pointed out that everything would be free, so i didn't bring any more money other than the $11 i had in my wallet at the time. We stopped some place to get a drink, and he had me pay for half his soda so that he didn't have to break his $20. that would have been fine if hadn't have spent half the day bugging me about the money from breakfast that i owed him ... we had gone out with everyone earlier and i got something that was $7.50 which added up to be like $9 with tax and tip. I put in $5 and my friend helped me pay the other $4... yet, all day he kept trying to say that i owed him $10 ! how the hell does that work??!?! that would have meant that i had spent $15, and i soooo didn't! i don't even understand WHY he was bugging me about such a small amount of money!! i went to TJ with him once and i had like $16 (mainly in $1's) and i gave it to him to hold incase we had to pay cover for the club, but it ended up that we didn't, but did i ever get my money back? nope! he spent it all that night on drinks for himself!! isn't that rude!?! a guy using a girl's money to buy drinks, without even asking! and there were many other situations like that too... but did i ever say anything or tell him that he OWED me anything? no. but yeah, so then we went to some museum place and that was kinda cool. then we went to a thai food place where i spent $8 on terrible fried rice. then we went to the cool club with the pretty lights on the dance floor!!!!!!! and they played 4 reallllllly cool and new (to me) songs, but no one wanted to dance...and then 99% of the songs they played after that were just "eh" ...so it really really sucked. i hate always missing the good songs because of insecure people that don't want to dance when no one else is. and it's no fun to dance all by myself! anyways, so then we went to The Parlor (?), a gay bar owned by dirty sanchez or so. it turned out that it was not free like all the other places we had gone to, it was $5, so my "friend" and i put our money together and came up with only $8...the door guy said that was okay and was letting us in when my friend pulled the money back and dashed back outside. he said that he didn't want to spend the last of his money. and so then there we were, outside the club, in the cold, with our friends inside. i sat on the curb, hurt and shocked. not to mention freezing to death. i sat there, on the verge of tears, staring at the cars going by, contemplating throwing myself into the street. then our friend barry came outside wondering where we were and unlocked the car for us. i quicky jumped in the car where it was warm. then i checked my voicemail and called back one of the sweetest, most understanding people in the world, chris b. ...but i was so upset and near tears that i couldn't even speak right... my friend came into the car for a second and gave me my $2 back (i was shocked about that!) ...and then he stormed out of the car, seeming like he was mad that i was on the phone. then my friend disappeared. he had gone into the club without me!! spending just as much money as he would have if i had gone with him! so there i was, all the way up in LA, left in the car with only $2 ... (hey, i would have brought more money for cover charges if i hadn't have been told that "everything was going to be free" !!!) but yeah, so they would have let us BOTH in for $8, but instead of doing that, my "friend" was a selfish jerk and paid for himself only instead. can you believe that??!! after i had been so nice to him, and put up with all his stupidity and selfishness, and flaws, and problems, and drama, and made him things and bought him presents and drinks and smooties from jamba juice when i should have been hating him....what a fucking selfish jerk!!! but yeah, so i was still on the phone to chris b. and i tried my best to tell him what happened, without crying or anything, but i was still to upset to be completely coherant. i wanted to stay in the car and just cry, but after talking to chris i felt a tiny bit better and decided to try to get it to the club anyway. i got out of the car and asked the 3 gay boys by the door for $3 to get into the club ...i told them what my friend had done to me...they told me that next time, i shouldn't explain, i should just say "he couldn't afford me" and they were totally sweet and caring. i gave them all hugs and then went inside the club. the music was pretty cool. they played Ave. D, and even played the silly song that my friends are always singing "i wanna take you to a gay bar!" LOL.... i danced with our friends and then with a random gay boy. my mean "friend" came up to me at the end of the night and wanted to dance with me. i said no. there was no way i was going to dance with someone that had just totally abandoned and hurt me like that! he informed me that i should dance with him since he had taken me there. he didn't drive! he didn't pay for me! how is that taking me??!?! his friend took us, not him!! he invited me, yeah...but still... there's no way i'd dance with him when he was such a jerk to me! so he was mad about that.... then we tried to talk/argue afterwards, but like the selfish jerk he is, he didn't listen to any of the things i had to say, so it was pointless. sometimes i'll say something and he'll cut me off and say "i don't want to talk about this" and never cares how i FEEL or what i have to say! (well, not never, but lots of times he ignores and avoids my feelings and what i have to say) ...anyway, so i didn't talk to him on the way home or anything. i'm sick and tired of being forgiving! i just need to stop hanging out with evil, spiteful, revengeful, thoughtless people. thank god the rest of my friends are super sweet! i'll have to do something nice for them, just for being the way they are!
hey you guys! i'm locked out of my house! weeeee! LOL ...yeah so greg took off with everybody's stuff still in his car, so Shi, J, and I all have no keys! except for Jason's mom let us in and so that's where we are now ...i'ma try to call chris and have him let me in and shi is going to eventually call doug to let him in (his roomate) ...but it sucks, greg has my purse! which has all my school books and cell phone and all that stuff in it! eeep! we keep calling greg, but his cell phone died ......
why am i soooooo forgiving? well.... it's because i'm also soooooooo understanding. i can understand what it's like to BE the other person, to feel like they do, to be in their situation....i understand what it is to be human, and make mistakes, and to not be perfect ... a lot of things are forgivable, unless it's someone deliberately purposely being mean...like with the intent of hurting someone else.... but other things, like pushing someone out of emotion, hitting someone out of rage, and so on, are SO not okay, but still forgivable, because they come out of emotion, and that makes sense...i know what it's like to be in other people's shoes...as much as i'd like to sometimes write people off because of their mistakes, i can also understand what it's like to be them, so i just can't. ...i can't even stay mad at people most of the time...and i always seem to give people a million chances, trust everyone immediately and so on...and it's not out of stupidity, but out of compassion and after giving it much thought. even the mean people need to be loved. and people can change, and other people aren't all that bad in the first place.
i'm also just losing my mind lately, too.... everything is just such a mess, so many things to do, and not enough time ... i'm up to 560 unreturned emails ...i need to call Moe and Lisa and Josh and the other Josh, and i've been needing to call them since MARCH 14th!!! i have bills unpaid, papers un-written and un-filled out, like things for fin-aid, and for my mom...my purse has become a mess, my room, my desk, my closet again... and i can't think when things are unorganized! my room definately reflects the internal state of my mind. (that sentance didn't even fully make sense, did it?) i have homework i'm behind on, i'm forgeting things, and all sorts of things lately....i'm just such a mess!! i need like at least 3 months of no school and no fun to get my head straightened out, and my room!! lol ...i still haven't learned how to go out AND be organized at the same time, and it's causing me a lot of stress and all sorts of things. .....on top of that, i'm still soooooo upset over my lost cat, and missing him sooo much. and then my mom went to the emergency room after falling into the river and stabbing her back on a hidden rock ... no one has heard from her since sat, so i'm worried now, and now my uncle tells me that she laid there for 20 hours before she somehow ended up in the emergency room ... no one told me that before!! my mom told me "but i'll be okay" and that was it.... i hope she's okay ... life is just too hard, i don't want anymore, i just want to give up... i am oh so tired of just "surviving"...
i have been feeling soooooo depressed lately. nothing brings me "up" anymore .... it's so frusterating! i really don't want to live in this world anymore...the things that make other people happy never seem to do anything for me ... on rare days people can cheer me up or distract me, but it never lasts. i just absolutley hate this world. everything about it is just too hard or too boring and completely not worth the struggle... to me, life feels like "walking over bolders with crutches" ... (something my mom's friend once told her she was like.) ... i really wish i could be happy. i wish i could be caught up in little meaningless things and have fun ... but it just never seems to work ...
I AM AN IDIOT! ...Well, kinda. i chose to be a theatre major and not an econ. major (Patrice had me convinced to be one at one time, but i went back to theatre...). so this means that i will NEVER make money. Mia on the other hand, became an econ major and is graduating this year, and is getting a job that pays $50,000/yr + $10,000 bonus... i am so jealous!!! although, i am happy that i don't have to do that kind of work, i'd kill myself if i had to be in an office! i'd even rather be an underpaid waitress! but money would be nice someday...! like to buy a car! and cool MOD furniture!
some good advice from a dear friend: "Oh, and not to sound like a parent, but watch out with drinking. What started out as fun, and is still fun, has ruined my life. I just had to say that. Don't think it can't take control. Just be careful :-) " - Chris B.
i sooooo want this!!!!! (click) Greg and I were looking at it the night/morning of the party, and before i actually saw it in person, i just thought "oh, whatever, i have most of those songs already" ...but now i see that i really don't, and it also is a cool book thing too... i so LOVE the cure. i wish i would have known just how cool it was before i spent the last of my birthday money on groceries, rent, and vegas stuff. lol ... and yes! we actually have food in the house for the first time in over a month!! yay! i love food!!
ummm, can someone please tell me where to find a "FREE" country?!?! because AMERICA FUCKING SUCKS! so i had my computer speakers on, turned down pretty low, and then i turned them off. then THE POLICE show up at the door (yet again) and said that they could and would have ARRESTED ME if my music had still been on when they got there. They said that because people complained it's "disturbing the peace" and it's like the people are arresting me, or whatever. That's how Chris spent a night in jail the other night: for listening to music.
Yeah, so basically, you can go to JAIL in America for listening to music at a low volume. YAY FOR FREE COUNTRIES!! grrrrr!!!
hmmm...if i was a revengeful person, i would sit by the neighbor's door and listen for music, and call the police as soon as i heard it. see how they like it! OR i could turn all the music in my house on full blast, in the middle of the night and then quickly turn it off before the police came! hehehe....
"drop the 'L' out of 'Lover' and it spells 'Over' over, over, over. " he pushed me. "you'll be given love, you'll be taken care of" wailed the sound of bjork's music in the background. afterwards i was just sitting on the floor, depressed, and way in shock. i felt as though i could just fall through the floor. so jason and i are no more. i was not talking to him/avoiding him for a bit because i was mad at him for breaking our plans yet again, after i trusted him, and believed that he would come through...i was so hurt and mad that i didn't even cry this time...but yeah, so i decided to go to Shiloh's party with just Sarah instead (of Sarah AND Jason)...we both dressed up all gothic for fun and drank midori sours at my house, then we went to Shiloh's party and hung out. I drank a cosmo a little too fast (trying to get rid of it so that i could have a ruby red greyhound instead) and then felt kinda sick, so i just sat on the couch and Justin went to McDonald's and got me french fries while he was getting something for someone else. anyway, the french fries really helped and so i finally got up and kinda talked to sarah, greg, and justin and some random people tried to talk to me, but i was just not in the mood to be social or meet new people... i was too depressed, etc, like i usually am (probably the reason that it takes driving all the way to LA to go dancing to cheer me up) ...oh but i was getting tons of attention for being the "goth" girl at the party ...LOL ...i was like "umm...you know, i've hung out with goth people for 8 years or so, but i'm not goth and i don't always dress like this, leave me alone!" lol ...but seriously, if you ever want attention, just dress goth to a party...god! however people can be fascinated by boring unoriginal black, i will never understand! anyways, so then drama queens Jason and Jackie arrive, and i'm pretty sure he brought her in hopes of making me jealous, but maybe not. it was certainly the first time i'd ever seen her dressed somewhat "ok" and not like a drunk slob, but who knows... anyway, i continued avoiding Jason (which is really hard for me to do, because usually when someone is mean to me, i just forgive them...but then they continue to hurt me, so i have to learn to not forgive people so easily or something) and later i was kissing this boy Justin...not because i liked him or anything, it was just my usual "i love my friends!" kissing thing, and he kissed me, so i just kissed him back. it was no big deal at all, and I'M ALLOWED TO! yay!!! it's so nice to be "allowed to" kiss people after 7 years of being tied into relationships...but yeah, so Jason comes and see's me (he was in the other room kissing Jacky) and starts tossing ice at me to get my attention...i look up at him and wave. then he wants to talk to me, and so i go over to him and we talk. he says "so i bet you want me to say i'm sorry for cancling our plans last night" and i say "yes" and he says, "we'll i'm not going to" and some other childish things. tears are in his eyes at some point, as i talk to him with a cold tone, because he told me that he wants me to get mad at him sometimes and not always be so forgiving and sweet when he screws up. he also said something about me kissing Justin, and i was like "well you were kissing Jacky!!" and he was like "well that's okay. it's different, we have an understanding. i've been kissing her for a year now" and i'm like "well, Justin is the same, we are both just friends" etc... i was also saying something about how he (jason) was too emotionally dependent on me and i couldn't handle it. then while i'm still trying to have a rational conversation with him, he suddenly pushes me into the wall out of nowhere and storms off. i guess a better word would be "shove" ....but anyway, so then i go into the room and complain to our friends that Jason just pushed me. then Jason and Jacky come into the room and say something about leaving i think. then i say "have fun! maybe Jason will push you into a wall too!" and Jacky leans forward, so ugly and with such a bad evil personality that she looks exactly like a witch for the moment and says "well you need a deep treatment for your hair!" or some completely insane comment that she thinks is an insult. i soooo wanted to laugh, because i had intentionally not brushed/wasted my hair and had it all tangled/messy on purpose, not to mention all the EFFORT i have put into purposely damaging my hair ... i always make sure to blow dry so that it drys out and ruins my hair as much as possible, so that it will have volume!! LOL! ....but yeah, so then the two scary evil people storm out of the room and Jason runs back to me and says something like "i really did care, but i guess it had to come to this" or something ... (i couldn't really hear him) and then he ran off. it was all just so shocking and scary and strange. the two of them together were so viscious and evil looking!! i guess Jason thought that i was trying to get revenge by kissing Justin, but again, he was wrong, i'm just not a revengeful person, the thought of revenge never even crosses my mind, that's how far i am from it. Jason should know by now that i hand kisses out like water ... i've kissed something like 6 people in the last month, and he was always around...they are just friendly kisses...but oh well, i guess drunk people that run on no sleep don't think clearly. so anyway, i just spent the rest of the night moping, sitting on the floor, and curled up in a blanket next to sleeping Greg. Bianca and a couple other people tryed to comfort me, but i just wanted to be alone, so i sent them all away. i've been so depressed lately that not even Greg and Shiloh have been able to cheer me up...but yeah, that just pushed me further into depression...i'm to the point where i'm so hurt that i'm tough and can't cry. there are just so many things going on. chris and crystal. and jason and all the stress and drama from that relationship. and now my mom was in the emergency room, and my cat is still gone, and there are unpaid bills and so on... if i could even open myself up to feeling lately, which i don't think i can, i would just collapse and die... there is just way too much pain and i have to stay strong and survive through life ... there is no time to be sad... but yeah, i've been saying that i'm never going to talk to Jason ever again because he pushed me, (and only chris is allowed to push me! because we both push each other!! lol) but now i kinda just want to be there for him and be his friend and make him feel better (because he's hurt) ...what should i do? tell me? help! i definately know that i will never date him again... waaaaaaaaaaaay too much drama and stress !! it wouldn't have been so bad if i had gotten some emotional talking out of him, but i never could really get in, and so i could just never get close enough....i can't deal with relationships unless they are a.) extremely emotionally close or b.) completely shallow WITHOUT any drama....i can't deal with shallow-ish AND drama! that's just no good! i need to talk about dreams and ghosts and tramatic events and stories and therepy like stuff, talking about just TV and music with the occasional something thrown in just doesn't work for me.
[but i didn't ever say all the nice things about jason, so here: (gotta say the nice things about people too, not just bad) he saved my life last week. i woke up late and he took me to school and got me there perfectly on time and even brought me food to eat! oh and also he taped gilmore girls for me, for my homework, (because we are required to have a TV and VCR for my television writing class), and he spent a lot of his time with me...etc... ]
i'm no longer associating with people that break plans. i've had enough. i'm sick of getting my hopes up for an entire week or more only to have them smashed by some stupid liar. if you say you are going to do something, do it. it's that easy. ever hear the saying "you're only as good as your word" ? well, there ya go. it still applies in the year 2004. from now on, if you want to be my friend, and we make plans, you stick to those plans unless you are dead, or else it's over. this applies to everyone. grrrrr. oh and no "maybe"'s either! it's either "yes" or "no" and if it's no, then i'll find someone else to make plans with instead. i'm sick of being stuck at home alone or whatever because of other stupid people! people suck!
at least things are going a bit better with chris, even though he is out with his other girlfriend somewhere...
and i know not to touch now but the delicacy of your heart is pulling me in like the sparkle of the stars and crystal glasses i shouldn't take
and i'm feeling all sorts of things that i shouldn't be that empty feeling is consuming me i feel my strength fading and i'm tumbling into you
this isn't right i don't belong to you the stars have written it another way but i keep trying to get in and i won't leave you be
this is all a mess i should have never noticed you feeling feelings i haven't felt in awhile such confusion and i feel in love but you seem to keep your thoughts at bay.
disconnecting escaping from emotions sometimes it's no fun to feel but disconnecting from everyone often leaves the phone open for a new one to sneak in and call.
sometimes, it's hard to be a good friend, when you love and you care about the person to bits, but you are just a little too selfish in one tiny way that kind of cancles out the whole friendship...it really sucks....but maybe with extremely consious effort the selfishness can be fixed. but maybe it's already too late...i guess i just need to think about what i'm doing very carefully instead of acting on impulse....who'd ever thought that i would be selfish or a bad friend? i guess it's really more of just being "thoughtless" and not deliberatly or even realizing that my actions would be hurting a friend...it sucks that i am that person when i never wanted to be...i mean techincally it's fine, but with the unspoken laws of friendship it could possibly be seen as bad. so if you read this darling, and you know what i'm talking about, i'm sorry and i suck. talk to me about it, if you read this...
