i so cannot wait until summer. i so badly want to clean my house perfectly and get everything organized again. i just can't function right when things are so disorganized. i so badly need some time just for myself. i haven't had any time to be alone and away from homework and people for sooooooo long.
on another note, I talked to Crystal on the phone for like a half hour today. She called looking for chris as usual. He stood her up for no reason on friday night and still hasn't called her, so she is very confused. i told her "that is just how chris is, he's like that sometimes. he probably doesn't even realize that you exist at the moment. he is off in his own little chris world" he's in up orange county seeing his old friends right now. but yeah, we talked about chris a bit and how all boys are dumb and things. i guess we didn't hate each other for the moment. i don't really hate her i guess, it is just hard to stay understanding all the time and not go crazy when things hurt so bad. at this point, i actually feel sorry for her. he lies to her and stands her up and thinks she is somewhat annoying and she has no clue. poor girl. i would tell her, but i can't. because chris is supposed to my best friend and i can't betray him like that. i tried to make him call her back, but he doesn't want to. i think he is all of a sudden really starting to like me again. which is not 100% good because i want to spend a lot of time away from home this summer and i don't want him to be hurt by it and i don't want him to make me feel bad about it or want me to not places. i have really sacraficed enough of my life for him and i really so badly just need to do what i want to do at this point.
this summer i need to go out (dance) as much as possible and completely burn myself out and make it so that i don't want to go out again ever, so that i will be able to deal with all the units/classes that i need to take next year.
i also want to travel a lot if i can. i need to do some work and make some money. i want to go to japan, and london, and new york and DC (virgina) and san fransisco.
of course, the main reason i want to go anywhere is to go dance there. i have friends in most of those places to stay with and hang out with too. there is club fake in san fran, and electrotease in DC, and there are supposed to be lots of good places to dance in london, but i don't have any friends there. but i do have a friend in Japan...
i also think it would be really fun to hitch-hike up to alaska and seattle for fun. yeah, but that doesn't mean i'm going to do it though, don't freak out, "parents". haha
there is a certain kind of love and happiness that goes hand in hand with being poor. a stronger kind of love. a better kind of happiness. where the mother gives the only scrap of food to her child. and being poor makes having 75 cents for the icecream truck every once and awhile extra exciting. and everything is simplier that way and you don't have any "things" that can get ruined, so you don't have to worry about them getting ruined. if you are slightly more than poor then you have 'things' to worry about like that. because if something gets ruined, you don't have any money to replace it, so you have to really worry about protecting what you do have, and that makes things not as comfortable. like wanting to play in the mud but not being able to get dirty. but yeah, it's much more exciting when you rarely have money for ice cream instead of always having the oppurtunity to eat it whenever you want, even if you rarely eat it. other things too, not just icecream. i am convinced that the perfect level of happiness is being poor but having your family and a house and food, and staying inside that little world.
but that doesn't mean that i don't still want expensive MOD furniture...it's not my fault it costs a lot! hehehhe....
such a pretty pretty deep ocean of thoughts and words do i dare indulge? shall i wrap myself up in you? and tangle my dreams with yours? do i dare dive into this water? that could be too cold, that could be too calm will i drown? will i be dragged down? or will i maybe miss the air that i am used to breathing? such a pretty pretty deep ocean of thoughts and words do i dare indulge?
yesterday, before i started looking up all this stuff (see posts below), i was thinking, "if no one had called me today, i would have not talked at all today and been fine" ...and i was wondering how long i could be fine with being alone and not talking... the alone-ness thing seems to be a normal pisces thing...maybe i already knew that, but it's been about 5 years since i paid any attention to zodiac stuff. a lot of it seems so true though, and not even that general...like the words actually match people sooo well...weird.
yeah, let me completely fill up my blog with this stuff. haha. can you tell i'm "avoiding homework" once again?
But the curious Piscean detachment is evident even when she gets into trouble. When the Pisces partner says that a little "fling" didn't mean anything, it didn't mean anything, and it would be better if it meant nothing to you too. If you're the really possessive type, look elsewhere.
...the Pisces partner can give a depth of understanding and communion unmatched by any other sign. Pisceans have an essentially unpossessable quality, no matter how long you've known them. Some part of them will always belong to the cosmos, and not to you. The Pisces partner may reveal forty-five of the sixty-eight selves she's discovered inside herself that week. Be content with that. There will be dreams and visions which you never get to hear about.
.....Keep asking a Pisces what she's thinking when she gets that vague, dreamy look, and you'll drive yourself (and her) crazy and never get any satisfactory answers. The real truth is that she probably doesn't know; she just "went off", and now she's back again. Many of Pisces' ways of communicating are nonverbal. Try to force her into rigid explanations or declarations and it's like holding a handful of water - it slides through your fingers and is gone.
...."Evasiveness" is a word often used to describe Pisces. So is "deceptiveness". But it isn't calculated dishonesty or deliberate secretiveness. When you see thirty different things, how can you explain just one? How do you articulate feelings which change faster than you can say "chameleon"? Pisces can be an elusive partner. Take the feelings as they come, and let them go as they go.
see, this is all i need to ever stick up here to be understood, more picses stuff.
It's impossible to understand your real motivations, because like the tides of the ocean, they change all the time....
...You're also an incurable romantic. Some Pisceans have lots of defences to hide this tendency, but romantic you were born and romantic you will remain. And romance isn't just about love affairs. You crave magic, and you get bored more easily than any other sign. The only truly consistent things about you are your allegiance to a higher, deeper reality and your love and longing for change....
...It's hard to fool a Pisces. But where others might respond by defending themselves and accruing resentment, you will look, see, feel saddened, and forgive. You often let yourself be taken advantage of, not because you're gullible, but because you feel sorry for all sorts of people. This material world isn't the real one to you; you listen to a different drumbeat.
hahaha...these things are always so right. this is like 99% me: pisces
As the twelfth and last sign of the zodiac, Pisces contains within itself a little experience of all the signs. This gives Pisces Suns the ability to identify with people from all walks of life--from all backgrounds--in some way. These individuals are not only changeable and adaptable, they have open minds and tremendous understanding. But Pisces itself is often misunderstood. Pisces Suns may spend a good portion of their lives yearning for understanding, and the other part in a state of divine discontent. Suffering is sometimes glamorized in the Piscean world....
...Pisces is a sensitive sign--both sensitive to criticism and sensitive to others' feelings. Easily touched by human suffering, at least in theory, Pisces wouldn't hurt a fly. They believe in people, are deeply hurt by compassionless human behavior, and have a hard time saying no. Harsh realities are avoided either through escapist behavior or self-delusion; but every now and again reality does raise its ugly head, and hits Pisces over the head. This is a sad time indeed. Pisces retreats into their own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to themselves ("I will never trust again!"). Rest assured, though, that these periods are rather short-lived and even useful. Pisces seems to derive energy from their (generally short) bouts of self-pity. They come back stronger, with a spring in their step, ready to face the world again, and just as, if not more, compassionate and trusting as they were before. Some might even wonder if Pisces finds pleasure in suffering. Sometimes this is the case, but most of the time, Pisces pulls a lot of creative energy from sadness. Pisces is the poet or artist with angst, although this trait is often more apparent with Moon in Pisces.
just yet another thing i realized... i have always kept my "pain" to myself. it is impossible for people to tell how i feel by talking to me or being with me most of the time, unless i feel so super bad that i can't even make sense of pointless activity. sometimes my friends in junior high would ask me what was wrong, and i'm pretty sure i didn't ever tell them anything...very few of them even knew i lived in foster homes. i think i slowly subconsiously learned to make it look like nothing was wrong. i didn't ever confide in anyone. i always delt with everything myself, i had just grown up extremely independent like that, i guess...no real reason i didn't confide in anyone, i don't think. just because i was shy probably. and i know that i've always hated repeating things and explaining things over and over ...maybe that was it. but yeah, i'm pretty sure that no one really knew anything about me back then. i was always silent at lunchtime for the most part. just watching everyone and listening to them. i did write letters to a lot of people though, but i'm sure that they didn't really say anything at all...who knows...i still have every letter everyone has ever written me ... i think i have 500 from 7th and 8th grade, and that's only counting the ones from people at school...500 letters from people means that i must have written over 1,500 letters to other people ...because i always end up writing more than everyone else...the funny thing is that i HATE writing...i think i hated how it hurt my hands...i still do, even typing hurts my hands...and i hate typing because i hate computers too. i make no sense, i know. but yeah, back to my point...it's funny when people think that i am a "happy" person or so because i haven't been a happy person even for a day in at least 10 years. i am anything but a happy person...i am so rarely happy that i sometimes can't even remember what that word means...it really sucks.
chris and i have the strangest nicknames for our cats, and both cats have been called the same things: brat, bratface, catface, ratface, rat, nip, nipcat, and bunny. i think i might be the only one that says "bunny" though...haha...we call each other some of those things too ... like bratface was my nickname for chris from almost 5 years ago... all the names mean pretty much the same thing: "brat" ...because that is what chris and the cats are. i don't know how *i* got into all this, but i'm stuck with them. hehehe...
grasping with my fingernails as they tear through your skin leaving no signs of pain no wounds to mend
I know I don't understand how they forget how some will just pass us by and take what they can get I know I don't understand how weightless they must be without feeling without feeling without feeling
So is it becoming human or becoming a bad person??? you tell me. i used to be such a perfectionist, and everything had to be a certain way or else it wasn't right, wasn't perfect. and i was ALWAYS on time (or 5 min.s early) and ALWAYS ready on time, and my closet was always clean, and i always went to EVERY single class, even in highschool, even if i was dying, even when i had the flu and when i got my wisdom teeth pulled out...and i wanted chris to fold the towels a certain way (not, TOO certain, just not the way he did it...) and just things like that. I used to answer EVERY SINGLE EMAIL EVER, and right away. I used to return letters right away and phone calls and answer my phone. I used to always try my hardest with my homework and try to get the top grade in the class....
Now, i'm never really ready on time (but chris [& other people] ruined me and made me become that way. when someone is 6 hours late all the time, you get used to having forever to get ready or you don't even see the point of waking up in time or being ready on time), i'm late to school sometimes and i don't freak out about it, i've missed days at school because i was too worn out and depressed to go, and all sorts of things...i don't really answer many emails anymore, i don't answer my phone or return calls, i don't put 100% effort into my homework and etc...
I'm really not going into detail enough, but i think you get the point. Do you guys think this is a bad thing or a good thing for me to be like this? I feel as though i'm learning how to be "human" ...but is it right to be that way? what way am i supposed to be? everyone else is late, everyone else is more relaxed...is it okay for me to be that way too or is a really actually "bad" and should i try to change back to how i was before it's too late??? someone tell me what to do!!!
i always thought that chris was never understanding enough, but i'm starting to realize that i wasn't very understanding either. he couldn't see the way i felt about certain things, and i thought that if he could see it the way that i *felt* that everything would be better. but now being on the other side, being in his shoes, i'm starting to realize that it wouldn't have mattered if he could see it my way or not. because i understand 100% from both sides now and i see that understanding doesn't make anything better in this situation, even though it should. i see now that it was *me* that needed to be more understanding of the way he felt instead. even though my actions meant nothing to me, they were hurting him and instead of trying to make him see that they meant nothing to me, that they shouldn't hurt, i should have just stopped instead. i don't think i actually could have stopped, but in theory i should have.
i hate this. i always feel like i understand more and more things all the time, and realize things, and grow and change, but then chris never does. i can always fix my problems, but chris never seems to fix his. he never stopped doing the things that hurt me. (like being 5 hours late to pick me up when i was exactly ready on time, or even early, EVERY TIME.) Hopefully someday he will grow? he's making the same mistakes that he's made since age 16... i so wish that he would be just a little more responsable, but i think it's hopeless. i have to live with him this way or leave. i can't expect him to ever change, even though he should.
i feel dead. murdered. i feel so tired. i feel like i can't get out of bed, i'm not in bed, but i feel like i want to go back to bed. i can't do homework, too depressed, just want to sleep. don't want to think, don't want to be awake.
underwater death flashes before her eyes water isn't warm enough almost freezing cold bathtub filled with tears cuddle up into your love but can't ever get warm enough frozen in the moment can't get up, can't move on wrapped up in this luke-warm love.
i have been feeling so insecure lately. i have no idea why. so incredibly insecure, maybe even worse than when i was a child. even at my favorite SD club last night, i just felt soooo terrible, felt like i couldn't dance, felt scared and shy, felt ugly, felt like my clothes were stupid, all sorts of things. i don't feel comfortable in my own skin type of thing.
Go, if you want to I never tried to stop you Know, there's a reason For all of this you're feeling Love, its not my call You couldn't ever love me more You couldn't love me more You couldn't love
Me, I dont show much Its not that hard to hide you See, in a moment I cant remember how to Be, all you wanted I couldn't ever love you more I couldn't love you more I couldn't love You want me to cry and play my part I want you to sigh and fall apart We want this like everyone else
Stay, if you want to I always wait to hear you Say, there's a last kiss For all the times you run this Way, its not my fault You couldn't ever love me more You couldn't love me more You couldn't love
Love me more Couldnt ever love me more I couldn't love you more I couldn't love
You want me to lie not break your heart I want you to fly not stop and start We want us like everything else
Maybe we didn't understand Not just a boy and a girl Its just the end of the end of the world
Me, i dont say much It's far too hard to make you See, in a moment I still forget just how to Be, all you wanted I couldn't ever love you more (x4) I couldn't love you more
my old cat, "The Cat" is gone forever. I ran out into the cold morning to chase a cat's tail, wearing an inside out long black nightgown and the first shoes i could find, i ran down the stairs and to the tree where i saw the cat's tail...no cat. i looked around and saw the cat, THE CAT, my cat. it was MY LOST CAT! but he was different, he was fatter, his face was tired, his meow was different. He looked at me like i was a stranger. He was a stranger too. His personality was different. I came inches from touching him, but i didn't try to grab him in time and he ran off. i went after him, but he eventually was gone.
I am so sad. The cat that i loved is gone. His outer self is there, but he is not the same. time has changed him into a different "person" ...his personality is not the same, so it's like he's a different cat, not the same, he doesn't even remember me.
i am so sad. this is the cat that i had finally loved, who even came and held my hand with his paw and hugged me once, like a person! and he would come and sit by my feet when i was on the computer, or sit on my desk...and we would meow to each other and we loved each other and it was the same kind of bond you have with a friend... and now he is changed and not the same and gone forever, our bond is gone, just like with my dad and my brothers and my cousin and kind of my mom, and everybody i ever loved.
this is maybe worse than him being dead, because he's there, but he's not at the same time. If i could even catch him, could i get him to stay inside? could i get him to change back to the way he used to be? could i love him the new way he is? would he ever remember his home? :( so yeah my old cat is gone forever...i could get to know him as the new cat he is, but i don't want that, i want my old cat back...
again, my attempts at writing a "happy" type poem fail, but it's for a friend, so oh well:
noticed the glitter
it's the way you noticed the glitter and remembered the littlest things the way you stare and the way you cared and went out of your way to be there the way you took me in your arms and loved me when i was so down and crushed the way you cried for my pain and took the time to compliment my hair it's the way you loved me so intensely that makes me think that maybe no one can ever compare to the way you care.
god, that is SO bad. i'd edit it, but it is so bad that i'd have to start over. i don't think poems are meant to show happiness...
At coffee, Mia and I both agreed that we like crazy obsessive love rather than peaceful, boring relationships. It takes pain and passion for love to be real. Peacefulness just goes nowhere, unless you are countries, then it's really good. I mean of course we both *want* peacefulness and it's nice to have, but we both liked being crazily obsessively loved instead. that was better, intense love is the best thing ever and always seems to only develope in relationships with enough problems and pain... I've learned that real love can not exist with out a certain degree of hate or pain...Chris Rock and his audience seems to agree, so I'm not crazy...i guess it's something like the fact that you wouldn't appreciate the rain if it rained everyday, and the sun wouldn't be as good without the rain and the night wouldn't be great without the day...maybe we WANT it to be sunny everyday, but without the cold cloudy days, we wouldn't ever appreciate or notice the warmth from the sun.
a few weeks ago i woke up at 6am, freezing to death and all alone and lonely on shiloh's couch from the worst nightmare ever. the kind that *feels* so terrible, that is filled with so much fear that it feels like you are watching or *in* the scariest movie you've ever seen...i woke up from it and my heart was pounding and i felt so terrible, so afraid, so terrified...I haven't been able to shake that feeling of fear and the memories of that dream off, no matter how reassured i was by others that my dream was just a dream, and quite unreasonable of a fear.
the dream was that bianca and jason were hooking up/kissing/seeing each other or something, and that shiloh and ali were making out...
nightmares do come true. and unreasonable fears are not unreasonable. they are very valid.
girl why ya gotta talk to me that way for goodness sake you're driving me insane you would do anything for me or so you said and now you want me dead why you gotta go play with my head
i think about you every night when you're out till five with another guy i think about tomorrow night when you'll be mine and i'll believe your lies
i'm trapped inside and i don't know why its just your mind game i don't think i want to play today you've already won now i don't know what to do or what to say about your mind game i don't think i want to play today you've already won now i don't know what to do so go away
why is it always make believe with you and i you got me on my knees time is gonna give me what i need to clear my mind and give me back my life please say your love will never die
its just your mind game i don't think i want to play today you've already won now i don't know what to do or what to say about your mind game i don't think i want to play today you've already won now i don't know what to do so go away
who knows anything i'm giving up i've had enough of what she calls love help me out i'm begging please someone put her out of my misery here she comes again back for more
what am i to do stupid girl
why ya gotta talk to me that way for goodness sake you're driving me insane you would do anything for me or so you said and now you want me dead why you gotta go play with my head
its just your mind game i don't think i want to play today you've already won now i don't know what to do or what to say about your mind game i don't think i want to play today you've already won now i don't know what to do so go away
yet another good night at club 80's that turned bad or something. chris actually wanted to go out with me for once in his life, so i let him drag me away from homework. we got all dolled up and went to club 80's as friends because he wanted to look for chicks. lol... something to do with making crystal jealous, i'm not sure. anyways, it has been so incredibly good being friends again with chris for the past week...no fighting, no screaming, no throwing shoes at his head...you know, that sort of stuff...i think i am finally getting my best friend back...which is really good because i just can't live without a boy best friend who loves me to death and that i love back and that i can tell everything to and feel safe with... (yes i have Chris B. for that, but he is on the East coast, so that is not enough sometimes...) but yeah, so we went to just go hang out and not dance, so we didn't bring any money in at all, like the poor good children that we are...we said hi to Morgan and then we went and hung out with Gregg and Shiloh and Ali.....then Ali and Shi went outside to smoke and things and I ran into Josh from Scarlet Symphony and he gave me the biggest hug ever...as though we were old friends who missed each other more than anything in the world...I still need to hang out with that boy, i keep telling him i will and then never get any time...he was going to get me on the list for SOMA tomorrow night to see them play and stuff, but i told him some other time because i just can't miss dancing at VV and XOXOXO's show tomorrow...anyways, so Gregg and Chris and I went to dance for the last few songs and then chris went to smoke w/shi and ali..then chris came back and said that Shi ran off with Ali and went back to Shiloh's. then chris told me that he ran into his old friends Justin and Jacob (?) the guy with the sword!!!! the most random coolest person ever! (i will tell you that story another time) ...anyways he was SOOOOO super happy about that. then we lost gregg for a bit and chris and I got to dance to "Just Like Heaven" ...it was so cool that he was actually dancing again...then we found Gregg and hung out for a bit, then chris and I left gregg to go to shi's/get food ... I ended up buying both Chris and Shi burritoes...(haha) and then we went to Shi's and Gregg met us there and we left silly messages on Shi's phone until he finally anwsered the door...then we all hung out and drank a few sips of wine and i chris and i shared his burrito and gregg fell asleep and shiloh and ali talked a lot and chris started to fall asleep (the poor thing has to work) so we left SHi and Ali chatting away and i took him home and we talked a little bit, and he was so sweet and *caring* ...i'm really starting to remember why i love him so much, he is seriously the nicest thing in the world... we ended up making out for the first time in like 2 1/2 months or so and it felt so strange, so foreign, so unfamilair...stranger than kissing a stranger...i ended up crying a tiny bit and couldn't kiss him anymore and stuff...it was too strange, too soon, too something...so now i feel all strange and depressed... i think that if i start going HOME 30 min.s before club 80's ends, it will stop turning out bad and weird... i dunno.
it's so fun to do homework when i'm depressed! it makes it so much easier! (sarcastic-ness) mmmmm... sad, sad girl. maybe i would feel happier if i just went to bed, but time is running out and i need to finish these papers so that i can memorize my monologue in time for our class presentations...i don't think that i am going to be able to do all this work. too sad, too stressed, too much work...
tomorrow night, you are looking for a purple-ish black haired May. my hair's not green anymore, or blue, or purple, or the redish brown it looked under the lights at VV last time, it's black-ish ...it was supposed to be black cherry, but the purple messed it up. time to dye it again! i can't wait to go bald! i so want to look like gregg! yay! update: actually, it's really more of a dark purple-grey. not really very black. stupid dye doesn't work. hehehe. i guess that's what i get for worrying about making it too black...i so hate "blue black" and that fake look...i like native american black or something...oh well.
so the crazy stalker girl with no life emailed me two more times...this time the IP number has an "abuse number" to call and email address...hehehe...
but yeah, i'm bored with this game. if anyone wants to read the emails for fun i guess i can post them in the comments section of this post, but they are kind of getting repetitive and boring, so i don't want to waste any more space here...
i feel sorry for the poor girl, she must have had so much bad stuff happen to her for her to be acting so insane and immature. it's also really sad that this girl is old enough to have a job, her last line was: "i may have been on a different IP but it was the exact same computer... where i work." i'm not even going to argue with her about the IP numbers and the computer she was on and blah blah blah, because i don't really care one bit. but yeah, if anyone is bored, i can give you IP numbers and all that other stuff i track with emails, and you can have fun playing detective or something...
i really don't understand why anyone would want to be mean to me, but yeah. okay, sure.
almost a year has gone by and i have no idea where i have been in that year, but it doesn't feel like any time has passed at all. so strange. for a second it felt like it was still last summer. so strange.
i took Mia to her first 21+ club tonight and it was sooooo funny ...because we went to the empty club, faction 6, at shootzers, and this time there was 100% no one there. we were laughing about it the whole time. if it wasn't for Mia being there, it would have been no fun, because they didn't play enough eletroclash stuff ...waaaah....i want to move to LA where there is better music. i didn't feel bad about taking Mia to an empty club because i know that whatever first 21+ club i took her to, it was going to be just as lame, only in a different way....i swear that club 80's can sometimes be worse than faction 6 empty...hehehe...(and sometimes better)... anyways, it closed early, slightly before 1am, so we went to lestat's and had decaf vanilla lattes and talked and also ran into trevor, who was studying...it was really nice talking to her, and laughing with her...nothing is better than laughing.
oh my goodness...how insane...so chris is lying to crystal and saying that he has guitar lessons at 9pm so that he can have an hour and a half of peace and quiet...that's the only way that he can get rid of her for a bit. i don't understand why he just isn't honest with her...he went looking for cars with her today...i don't think he even understands what he wants with her...
Mom, mom, mom, where is my mom?!?!!!!! good news! i found this place for $300/month for my mom to live in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's like a studio or something smaller, something she had been eying before and wanting to move into when there was no vaccancy...
the only problem is that i can't get ahold of her and i could rent it myself for her, but i am scared that she will be like "NO, i don't want to live in san diego anymore" what should i do??
do you know HOW GOOD this would be for her?!?!? she could live there forever (until the neighbors got annoyed with her) and have enough money to pay rent AND have food and not be homeless ever again...
should i just rent the place for her anyways and risk losing $600 ($300 for deposit) if she doesn't want to move here anymore????
just to clear things up for you drama-hungry internet fiends, hehehe... does anyone actually understand that chris and i have an *agreement* that we can date other people? and have had this for a couple months now? ...i was looking back at all my old comments and some were so out of control... i always find it funny when people go all crazy and things when they don't even know what is going on...in some ways i don't really like putting "my life" up here for everyone to see...the "life" parts of this journal are more for my friends and things, so that i don't have to repeat the same thing to every single person, and so that is one reason my stories and facts are so wildly incomplete... my friends already know the other parts that i leave out.... i don't really like saying "hey random internet people i don't know, here is what happened today, here's some drama" ...i don't really like things to be that way. that is soooo not the point of why i write...i don't like the things that go on in my life to be 'entertainment' for someone else....i like my opinions and theories about things and maybe poems or feelings to go out to random people, so that they can maybe be helpful or make people think about things a little, but some stuff i kinda just want no one to read, or just my friends...i don't know...this is just my place to write all sorts of random things and it kinda sucks when it just turns into "drama" or something because that it so not the point...but there is no way i'm going to separate all the different categories of things i write into different journals or do anything to fix this problem...i'm just saying that what is written is here is not an accurate picture of my life, because i don't write about everything that happens in my life...not even close... and i really need to shut up and turn off the internet and do my homework now!! eep!
and she emails me AGAIN? with a different IP # from: you will always suck @ alway@suck.bad "the ip i use is at a public computer lab. just try and find me! ha! you are, and always will be: lame." ----------------------------------------------- IP# 68.79.133.5 HTTP User Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 5.22; Mac_PowerPC)
hmmm....so if it's a public computer lab and she lives anywhere in the US, then that lab is not open right now, right? and so then the computer she just emailed me from belongs to her or a friend and it looks like it might be a MAC...hmmm.... what a fun game! i'm still too lazy to look up the IP # though...the end.
maybe it's Avril Lavigne that is emailing me...hahahaha...this girl seems about that annoying...anyone agree? hehehe...
grrrrr...i hate this thing.... so this TV has lived in my house for like a month now and i still don't like it. TV sucks and the TV itself sucks because it takes up too much space. and i hate the way it stares at me. (lol) ...the only thing it is good for is so that chris can watch movies...but we both want the evil thing out of our living room, but we don't know where to put it...i really wish to banish it to the closet, but then chris won't be able to watch movies, so yeah...grrr...i need to find someplace else in our teeny-tiny apartment to put it...
this is for Marcy... :0 and this is for Mia... weeeee! chipmunx! and this is for Chris B.... moooooooooooooo! and this is for Sarah... ant people and the pancake goddess!
who else do i have inside jokes with? i can't think right now, i'm too cold...
that mean person emailed me again... it's kind of lame because she emails me but doesn't leave her real email address...it kind of invalidates anything she has to say ...you know? too scared to say who she is, (but i have her IP address...hehehe...(198.108.128.201)....i could easily find out who she was if i wanted to bother...but i don't really care...this is just entertaining for me.) Yes, i assume that it is a girl. 99.99% sure it is...if not, then boys are really really really getting lame these days....
it's so annoying, this person has absolutely NO understanding of my relationship with chris, just the few bad things i've written about him, and stuff, yet she stills feel justified in making judgements...
here's her email to laugh at:
hi again wierdo. no... i am not crystal. i just think you suck. and you know what? if you love chris that's fine. go ahead and love that slobbish mutherfucker who's really in love with someone else. he just uses you and doesn't respect you at all. want to call it love? go right ahead, you'll be the miserable one. no snot out of my nose right? awwww may's in love! ain't that cute! he trashes their home and leaves and tells other girls he's dating them. whata sweetie! oh yeah, and i totally stole one of your designs and am claiming it as my own. and you'll never find it. muahahahaha! just to make your life a little more hell! oh. and if you didn't like making the layouts so much (because you sure did bitch about being on the internet and how much you hated it) then why did you do it? and why are you always making journal entries all the time if you hate the computer so much? kill yourself please. you won't be missed. chris will just move in with crystal and leave cupcake stains on her couch instead. die.
hehehehe ...it's so sad that the poor girl is so hateful towards someone she doesn't even know...
chris is back to being himself for the day. sweet and nice. we avoided crystal's phone calls all day again...it was fun..tee hee...but he finally decided to be nice and call her back...but yeah, he spent almost 4 hours cleaning the house, including shampooing are carpets that he had stained...he did that for at least 2 hours and he got the cupcake stains off the couch and all sorts of stuff. i wonder if me actually cuddling with him for the first time in forever and ever when that is all he ever wanted had anything to do with it...
i'm not answering my phone lately (even LESS than normal... haha) because i am doing homework. i still love you all. i might take a break from homework to go dancing at faction-6 tomorrow...if it hasn't closed down yet. i'm also going to vice versa on friday because xoxoxo is playing...so yeah, other than that, i'm not leaving my house until i am all done with all my homework. i didn't go out all this last weekend and i am so dying to go dance to electro/synthpop...i'm going to be really sad when there are no more electroclash clubs...even the LA ones are dying lately...:(
if i had time and the ability to write/sing shallow songs, i would so have an electroclash band...something like Adult. or xoxoxo....grrrr stupid school is always in my way.
the way i feel about things with chris right now is kinda like an abused child...i would rather stay and deal with things as they are because it's home, because there is love, than go somewhere else that is happy and "good" but not home. I've spent 1/4 of my life with chris...it's hard to think of a life without him. he is my home. i don't know. i just know that i can't think or focus on homework with so many things being so confusing. it was better when crystal went away for awhile because then there wasn't someone trying their hardest to steal my home, when i am only living in my home and being comfortable and not trying to do anything at all.
nothing better describes the way i feel about things with chris than this: "I can't live With or without you" (U2 lyrics)so i guess the only other option is to die then, right?
not too long ago chris used to sing me this song and laugh like a brat, because he didn't want me to go out with my friends, he wanted me to stay home and be miserable and bored and do nothing with him, EVERYDAY, all the time, beause he was jealous and things, and now i'd almost settle for that, if things could only be less bad with him...but they've been bad for so long that i'm just not even making sense.
Don't go away 'cause I want To keep you in my pocket Where there's no way out now Put it in a safe a lock it 'cause it's home sweet home
When the routine bites hard and ambitions are low And the resentment rides high but emotions won't grow And we're changing our ways, taking different roads Then love, love will tear us apart again (4) 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' lyrics by Joy Division
on another note, we might get our missing cat back!! chris saw him outside this-morning, but couldn't catch him. we put up a couple missing cat flyers (FINALLY) and one of the neighbors says that he has seen our cat around too, and that he will grab him for us if he sees him...yay...!
hahaha....i wonder if it was that crystal whore who wrote this childish email: from: you suck @ you@suck.bad you are very concieted. and chris does not like you anymore. you only stay with him because you are comfortable with him. not because you love him anymore. if you really loved him you wouldn't have tried to change him all this time.
you really need to change yourself instead. because you are fuct up.
whoever it was is very very lame and stupid and has no idea about anything. grrrr. i only stay with chris because i am comfortable?!?! HAHAHA! comfortable?!?! really! yes, because it is soooooo terribly comfortable to live with someone who is so incredibly messy and leaves chocolate cupcake smeared down the side of the couch for days and who hasn't done laundry for over 4 months and who leaves trash and food and clothes all over the house. yes, yes, that is very COMFORTABLE. yeah, sure...
if i didn't LOVE chris, there is no way in hell i would stay with him or someone the way he has become. this is not the person i agreed to marry, this is not the person i was going out with. he has become mean and lazy and all sorts of things. so many boys are so much better with so many things...it is ONLY because i LOVE chris that i stay with him. that is the only reason.
whoever wrote that email is obvoiusly a complete idiot who has NO idea what the hell "love" is.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i am so sick of stupid immature people. they are so fucking annoying and whiny....kinda like dashboard, but much much worse...hehehe...
god, you should hear crystal's whiny phone messages... they are sooooo annoying. her voice is the most horrible thing i've ever heard, and all she does in whine and whine and whine "chrissssssssss, why don't you call me? do you hate me? chrriiiiss come over ....chrrriiiisssss i miss you, chrisssssss...." all bitterness aside, she is seriously the most annoying person ever, and she calls like 18,000 times a day. she doesn't seem to get that if chris doesn't answer her phone, it's because he doesn't want to talk to her. today our house phone rang and he had me answer it, and OF COURSE it was her, because she is the only one that obsessively calls us and he had me lie and say that he wasn't home...hahaha...i find it funny that even he finds her annoying...
grrrrr. grrrrr. grrrrr. when is she going to die? maybe chris will tell her the truth about things and she will kill herself. hopefully.
i cannot keep from being hateful. i just can't. sorry, sorry, sorry, but i am bitter and hateful. and self-destructive. i know that by writing things like this it just makes chris not like me, but i can't help it. i'm mad, and i have to write my feelings somewhere. hopefully someone will just blow up the world and all of everyone's problems can go away. grrrrrrrrrr.
grrrr...jealous girl. or something. the thought of crystal is just torturing me right now. she is such a shallow airhead, it bothers me that chris likes someone that lame...she writes on cheesy emily hot topic stationary and writes the shallowest lamest things...like a 13 year old or something....grrr...here's some of it:...."Anyhoo. Sorry about your puppy. I'm sure everything will be ok. woof woof. :) And u gets your baby kitty soon. :). mew! so teeny & fuzzy! so cute! like you. :). i wanna go shopping. i might go to a thrift store 2day. i want a supercute clear jacket. i used to have one, only blue. :). it ripped. :( so sad. anyhoo again. i should take a shower and gentley massage yummy soapiness all over me. :). wanna join me?"
that's a "goth" girl for ya. wow. how fucking deep. yay. and so interesting! what profound thoughts!!! but i guess chris likes hot topic girls...posers...it's not like he knows the difference or cares...he only likes that she wears black, and black is cool, black is "bad", black is rebellious and hot. grrrr.
everything she writes is like that. that was a little more than half of the card she sent in the mail...what a waste of a stamp!! what a pointless note! makes me want to throw up!! and his puppy??! chris doesn't have a "puppy"... he has an old dog that was like his best friend/favorite "person" in the whole world...and "woof, woof" ? what is she, a dumb ditzy blonde? god! grrrrrr....she is so incredibly dumb. i hate dumb shallow people they make me want to kill things. there hasn't been one single real thought or anything in anything she has ever written...i guess chris would like a girl without a brain...actually, he did tell me that he liked her because she was dumb, or because she wasn't "too smart" like me...because he wants someone more on his level...he wants to be the smarter one...he is a bit dumb...cute, but dumb...every time he text messages crystal he is always asking me how to spell things..."how do you spell 'tired'?" "how to you spell 'sore'?" ...and it's just like "grrr! chris! learn to spell! you're 22 now!" i can't believe that he doesn't know how to spell those words. the sad thing is that i have been with him for so long that my spelling has gotten pretty bad...i stopped being able to look at something be like "grrr! that is spelled wrong!" ...he used to write me letters and there were so many things stupid things spelled wrong in them that it would drive me crazy. i could barely stand to read them. Now i can't spell anymore... it's fun how that works. All of Chris's bad traits are rubbing off on me...it's really bad...I've learned so many bad habits from him...After trying to change him for so long, i finally became like him instead...oh and GRRRR!! there is chocolate cake on my couch from the cupcakes crystal brought over and no one bothered to try and clean the chocolate up...GRRRR!! it's on the carpet too...i swear, i just cannot stand living like this! but i love chris, so i stay. i think i would rather put up with these bad qualities than other ones...
every time i look at "our" new kitten, i think of crystal. i hate this. it's making me bitter. this whole crystal thing is finally starting to really get to me.
so chris is dating crystal again and we have a new kitten... it's really sad chris is dating crystal again only so that she won't be sad and not because he wants to be with her- just because she wants to be with him and is needy and codependent and all that kind of stuff. i guess she said that she is exclusivly dating him and he can do whatever he wants...fun, fun, fun.
also, chris picked out a kitten for 'us', and crystal got the kitten for him, or something like that...all i know is that chris picked the kitten out for me...it was a free kitten ...it's kind of annoying because we really don't have money to take care of a kitten, and for shots and things, and we are not even allowed to have a kitten in these apt.s and i'm really not ready to have a new kitten, i'm still not over my old cat that is missing...it's so sad i was *finally* starting to love our cat and then it was gone.... :( i don't think i can love a new cat...i'm not ready to love anything else right now...
this sucks...i'm trying not to go out for a couple weeks so that i can get all my homework done, and so i've been trying to do homework and i haven't gotten anything done yet...but i gave up 2 or 3 sets of plans for last night and 5 sets of plans for tonight, and then i'm going to have to give up two for tomorrow and two for wednedsay and so on...it really sucks. stupid homework. i wish that i could just do it so that i could get on with my life. but it is really so incredibly hard that i just can't even start it...grrr....
my mother is so wonderfully funny and thoughtful she always sends letters full of so many random things...things she collects and then sends...shows she is always thinking of other people...the letter i just opened from her that came a few weeks ago has this funny ad, and it says "to chris" and then the ad says: "A woman loves a man who truly knows how to surprise her. (like when he cleans up a spill in the refrigerator.)" and if you know chris, and just everything about us, then that is sooooo terribly funny...my mom is the coolest person in the world...i love her to death...another good thing about her is that she always can laugh her way through any bad situation, turn anything bad into good... like when she was homeless, we laughed about how she lived under a tree...we made it into a game, made it seem fun almost, instead of being all negative about it...i think that i kind of learned part of that from her, but i also learned how to be negitive too somehow...but never too negitive...i never dwell on the bad things in my life too much...Jason always said that even though all my complaints are written here, i still laugh and live and am positive *in person* ...
i also love how my mother keeps up inside jokes and things...most people seem to rely on TV shows and things for their jokes, but we always have our *own* things and when we are not yelling at each other, we are always laughing...and it is so hard to make me *really* laugh...
"...And so I feel the grey Pulse in my head I turn off the lights and crawl into bed I try to think of sunshine But my body goes wet With the first crash of thunder...
I don't think I could know Anyone but you That's for sure!...
I don't think I could love Anyone but you dear That's for sure!"
i couldn't keep up a lie if my life depended on it... i rarely ever lie, because i am so against it, in fact i usually *only* lie if my life depends on it...but yeah, when i have lied, there hasn't ever been a single lie that i didn't end up telling the truth about. i really like things that way. i like being honest. i hate having to lie. i love having people that i can be honest with absolutely everything about. no matter how hard i try i can never keep a secret from the people i love, or keep up a lie, i always, always brake down and tell them, no matter what...
As mean as is sounds, i never really lie to save someone's feelings or keep someone from getting hurt...i think that is so wrong to do...i figure that if the truth exists, then that person derserves to know the truth because it will hurt them in some way or another, whether they know it or not. if something is there, they deserve to know, even if it will hurt them, because at least they are living in reality that way and not living in a dream, living in a lie, unaware of it. that's not fair to people, to live in a lie like that, because when/if they find out, their whole world is shattered and that is much worse. and if they never find out, i'm sure that it still affects them in ways....like if you hate someone and you lie to them and tell them that you like them, even though they don't know the truth, i bet they will still feel it, and then end up going crazy because they can feel it, but they hear the opposite, the lie, instead of the truth....
i just got to the point with chris where i have absolutley nothing hidden from him and that makes things so much better and wonderful...makes us a little bit closer to being best friends again, even if right now we are nothing more than just roomates who are always mad at each other...
my theory (or something) has always been that when you are drunk, all the emotions and things that you normally try to repress, come out. that's why some people are mean when they are drunk and some really nice, and so on. so you can't completely blame being drunk for your actions, because they are things that you *thought about* doing, wanted to do, even if the alcohol is the thing that took away your self control and "made" you do them...so in order to not do things that you don't want to 100% do, don't drink. something like that..
"You know it's really not fair to be holding onto things while reaching for something else. Ya, if you let go of one or both you may fall, but that's a risk you should take." said a wise old man. (lol. your not old, i'm kidding...)
that is so incredibly true, and if i could do that i would have a lot less stress in my life and my head wouldn't hurt so much, but i just can't. the funny thing is that the chances of falling are actually worse when holding onto something while reaching for another, than just choosing one and putting all your effort in one place...but i am stupid and will never learn, or something...
we go on and we go on and on and on and on never seeing that the other is there never seeing that the other cares never realizing that what we are searching for is already there so we go on...
i'm so shy that i refuse to talk when going through fast-food drive throughs. i made chris order our food. too scared, too shy, can't do it. i've had my license for two years now, and have only gone through like 3 drive-throughs or so. i rarely ever get to drive either. i don't even feel like i know how to drive, i learned to drive in like 2 days, so i really don't know what i'm doing, but whatever it is works.
it's really strange to only be "half" shy like i am...it confuses me. it limits me, makes me only half able to be myself. only half able to "be". i don't want to "be" anyway though. so it doesn't matter i guess. nothing really matters. just fill yourself up on tv and don't think....
driving home at 6am, i had the strongest feeling to turn around and go the opposite direction when i turned on to my street. so i did. "the brigde, the brigde, it's there" said the feeling. and i drove and i looked, and there is was. the missing (foot) brigde that i had been slightly looking for over 7 months. i went to the brigde and sat for awhile. trying to write. trying to sing. it was cold. grey. birds. silence. peace? i stood up to leave, and people came with a dog. exercise. so common, so routine, so boring, so stupid. so thoughtless. ruins peace.
the world was a paler shade of grey and it was pointless and empty freezing cold and we all walked alone heads held down, staring at the ground wandering from place to place for miles and miles but never getting anywhere because the world was a paler shade of grey and it was pointless and empty.
cold. cold. cold. cold. cold. empty. alone. no one is there. want to go home. ruby red slippers and the disappearing bridge. walk with me, walk with me the child screamed "NO!" mother screaming listen. listen. listen. listen. but nobody heard. disaster. but nobody cared.
tonight was a really great fun night, like amazingly or suprisingly good for some reason until the end when i started to get depressed again. you think a girl could stay happy for more than 3 hours, but i guess not...
*I* drove Sarah and I downtown to go to Angel's show. we missed it, but got in free and got to hang out with Angel instead. Classy place with $8 drinks. We danced to "soul" music. Of course, non of us were dressed right and I've learned to love it that way. Then we went by my house and picked up chris and went to club 80's. He forgot his ID and drove back to get it. sarah and i found Ali and talked to her for a second. little short boy borrowed sarah's lipgloss and tried to kiss her lips. then we danced. the music was good for once. the lights were good for once. the people were alive for once. something magic almost. Linda hugged me and said hi. sarah saw Abe and we danced with him for a minute. Then sarah found "Mila" and we danced over there for a bit. that was really cool because i've never seen Mila there before...then we were walking to go outside and found shiloh and robbie and melissa. danced with shi for a song or two then he went back to his friends. little short boy danced with sarah and me. shi came back and sarah got rid of the little boy and left too. shi and i danced. then it was the end. shi went outside. i saw chris. he had been watching us dance. he thought it was so cute. i found sarah, and we went to leave. chris and i talked to mila. then Ali. then we went outside and argued with a boy that said "death to robert smith". then i went to talk to shi. he wanted to say hi to Ali, but chris was there. i said it was okay, that chris was okay with things. so shi and i went and talked to chris and Ali. chris and shi were friends. it was cute. boys sharing a girlfriend. yay. except i'm not really chris's girlfriend. and i'm not his best friend either anymore. i am just the girl that lives here, that pays for things when there are bills and when there is money. anyway, the chris went to sit in the car and Ali invited shi to her show, then Ali left, then shi left, the i found my sarah and we went to the car. i drove us to jack and the box to get poor sick "alergic to alcohol, but drinks" chris some food. then we went to my house to sleep. sarah is here again because her car is broken.
random thoughts sometimes i just feel like running away in the middle of the night, just walking somewhere, running. anywhere. away. away from everyone. and going and being homeless for a bit. see how long before anyone notices i'm gone or worries. i'm sure it would take days before anyone thought anything of it. everyone would assume that i was with someone else, everyone would assume that i was okay....i wonder if i would mind being homeless for a bit...it doesn't feel like i would, as long as i wasn't in make up or a skirt. that would be torture. i was also randomly thinking that it would be fun to hitchhike to seattle and be homeless there for a bit, with sarah maybe. strange random thoughts. they don't mean anything, maybe i'm just bored with this life. i also want to go to alaska again. i miss it there. i miss anchorage, i miss seward. too many good memories...too many feelings i will never feel again...
tired eyes and a heart that's broken too many times keep walking barefoot through the snow with the weight of 1000 knives until the world ends until the footsteps make a perfect circle until the sun burns red and heaven freezes
broken back carrying too many bags weight of 1000 hearts all dripping with blood melting the the razor sharp snow that cuts these feet with bitter coldness walking on and on and on with this weight and dragged down and drowned forever and ever.
"Hello" and "Hi" to everyone that has been emailing me.
"Thank you" to everyone that deserves it.
"I'm sorry" to everyone i have not been able to respond to.
I've got tons and tons and tons of stuff going on (like 10 and 22 page papers for homework!) and then all sorts of other random things and problems...and i don't even have time to complain (here) about them! ....i'm still way behind on emails and things. one day maybe i will get some time to repsond, but as for now, i just am too stressed and can't...i am not obligated to respond anyway (as someone named courtney didn't seem to understand) and it is my choice to sacrifice my time to respond to emails, you shouldn't "expect" me to respond...it's not my job, i don't get paid for it, i don't like typing, i don't *have to*, and you really don't have a right to be mad at me for not responding. that's just not cool...i don't know...you should be happy to get a response from someone random if you email them, but you shouldn't be mad if you don't get one...you have to understand that people have lives and things they need to take care of, they can't spend 39493492 hours a day on the internet...devoting all their time to others for no reason...
this girl stole my song "god" and is prentending that it is hers. grrrrr. i really don't want to have to deal with this right now. it's not like it's hard to prove that the song is mine, it's not like i wouldn't have fun suing her and becoming rich...i just really really don't like having to mess with things like this. it's so annoying!!!! i have enough problems and enough things to deal with, i don't need more!!!!!
It's so fun to get phone calls at 4:30 in the morning! i'm not being sarcastic... i really love it. it's so random and i love that my friends know that they can call me at any time. (If i happen to be sleeping, i just won't hear the phone! usually, at least) My Marcy just called me right now ... she was getting back from TJ...hehe...it's kind of strange that she went out last night and i didn't. that is sooo backwards.
sad little girl you could have the world in your hands sad little girl you could have everything like we do sad little girl all you have to do is learn sad little girl all you have to do is change change your point of view.
oh and like i said before, this is more my journal to complain and cry in and i don't really write too many good things, but yeah, i guess i'll say something halfway good, better late than never:
chris broke up with crystal like a week ago...last sunday actually.
he did it to be 'single' and then maybe eventually be with just me. but i'm not too sure i can handle the mess that he has become in the last few months, drinking too much and being mean, and smoking (and in the house too sometimes!), and leaving the house all a mess - oh wait that one's not new! (but he was keeping the house clean for awhile back when we first moved in, for the most part at least), i don't know, he's very bitchy and complaining all the time and wanting me to always do things for him, "get me water, do this, do that" and i feel like i'm going out with a girl, or worse! he's changing so much, and it's only worse and not better ...maybe one day he'll become more mature and understanding? i don't know...i swear he was better when he was 16!! he even knew how to save money back then! Maybe the aliens took my boyfriend and replaced him! that would explain SO much! I actually had a dream similiar to that when i was 16...
