some people try to say that they don't care about how things "look" and that it's shallow to view things that way....and for a long time i tryed to believe those people...but now i see that those people were partially wrong, that those people were LIARS... Our ENTIRE world, our entire lives are made up of what we SEE with our eyes. Everything is visual...you buy a postcard because you like what it LOOKS like, furniture, cars, clothes ...even if you think that you don't care about what you wear, i'm sure there are still things that you think are "ugly" and wouldn't want to wear...and candles are 100% visual...and art, and WEB DESIGN (haha), and just everything...even chosing which lamp to buy, which color shirt, which picture frame...it's all based mainly on what it LOOKS like...so it's extremely stupid to try to say that what things look like is not important to you...because it IS, to some extent, whether you are aware of it or not.
sometimes i think that maybe i can taste "fun" ...but then it slips away and i forget the meaning of that word...life becomes stagnant and while everything is "fine" in a way, that's really not enough to live on, and it's really not fine...because it's not happiness, and it becomes the opposite of happiness...it's like you are almost there, but never get "there" and that becomes a certain kind of torture ...like silence, complete silence, for hours, for days, the kind that drives you mad...the kind that hardly exists...that is what life has been feeling like for awhile now...
i guess it was "fun" the other day when chris and i were running around and shooting each other with water guns, not worring about the furniture or anything...laughing... it's so rare that i actually *really* laugh anymore...i find myself halfway laughing at stupid things that i don't really think are funny, but that's about it lately...hardly anything makes me fall on the floor laughing...except my mom's jokes sometimes...i need to laugh more, and then i would be happier...
i don't know, i just really feel like i'm dying inside, like something needs to change before i go crazy....
chris is the greatest best friend ever, he just called me from his work to tell me that i'm special, and special to him and he was making sure that i was okay, and feeling okay...he's the sweetest thing ever, i love the way he cares about me...sometimes i think that i would die without him existing.
reaching, gasping, grasping i was just like everyone else everyone is exactly the same there isn't anyone here except you except you and i pushed you away stomped on your love crushed you, broke you i climbed over your dead body and never heard your cries and you were all alone all alone and i was never home sometimes all alone all alone and sometimes i was never home never there for you but you were almost always there for me not always but more than anyone else because you loved me more than you loved yourself loved me more than you loved yourself we were alone in our perfect world and i broke all the rules i broke all the walls and never knew never knew never understood a thing when i thought i had understood everything but i was blind.
blue rope and a bridge and it's night almost day in the fog, in the gray
and there's no one here and there's no one near and how long how long would it take for you to notice that i'm alive to notice that i'm dead too many words unsaid
to notice, to notice
we are all the same so close to winning but so far away because we always chase the day
and someone's always drowning but we push them under the water wait for them to go away so we can live life our way
and there's no one here and there's no one near and how long how long would it take for you to notice that i'm alive to notice that i'm dead too many words unsaid
so far away in another world without another word and she's gone lost again falling down and down and down with no one to pick her up and no one to care no one to notice the black shoes running out the door and down the street in her mind.
so often i find myself just watching life, instead of being a part of life...and everyone is chatting, talking, drinking, and having fun, and there i am. alone. by choice pretty much, just not wanting to talk, wanting to go away, to die...
...kinda like when the little girl dies on "the virgin suicides"...when she just goes upstairs and kills herself out of nowhere, without any warning at all, for what seems like no reason... i feel like that, kind of...
maybe part of it is because everything is so meaningless, maybe part of it is because i don't feel like i belong in this world, i don't feel like i can really relate to anyone sometimes, and not in some "drowning in sorrow" kind of way, but i just mean in such basic little ways...like people thinking that the simpsons is funny (my favorite example, haha), things like that...i don't live in that world, i don't want to live in that world...that world is stupid and ugly. i want so much more than that world. i want magic, i want love, i want something more than every day life...i don't know...
...i want to go to a playground at night, i want to go run in the ocean at 2am, i want to eat cherries, i want to go play in hotels, i want to go climb on roofs, i want to climb trees, i want to go rollerskating, i want to go pick wild berries, i want candlelight... i want everything to be random and fun...
and yet another night of depression brought to you by the "lovely" club 80's...
random thought: i want to go to the store and buy all the cherries they have and have a cherry party...hehehe... Mia and I used to have cookie parties...i miss cookie parties :(
"thank you for coming out to faction-6 or as Maystar called it, 'club fucking empty' because it is," said our wednesday night DJ to the invisiable crowd, refering to me calling the club "the empty club" some weeks ago on this website...sarah and i were dancing all alone there again...the music is really good...it's so sad that no one shows up..it's only because they don't really know it exists, but still it's sad...people, show up!! go to FACTON-6 at shooterz on wednesdays!! i don't care if you live in Singapore...fly here and dance! hahaha...
I'm thinking about taking Marcy there for her 21st birthday next week and trying to invite everyone we know to fill up the place...but i still need to talk to Marcy about it...hmmm....
oh yeah and Sarah and I also went to a karaoke place before dancing...and of course, being the super insecure child that i am, i dragged her up with me for my songs and made her sing them too...hehehe...i must have looked like such a scared rabit up there trying to sing...
it's so strange because if i am PREPARED for something i can be somewhat confident, but if i'm not prepared, then i am only myself; the shyest creature ever...i guess my shyness is something like being scared to sound stupid, being scared to look stupid, and not stupid in the "dumb" kind of way, but more of the way that i am scared that people will laugh at me, maybe? or SEE that i'm bad at something, or something like that...i'm really not quite sure ... like i am the kind of person that would have mapquest directions for things and everything all perfectly planned out, but it is only with chris that i feel safe enough to be that way, and with other people i tend to play dumb or something...yet, at the same time i don't care what other people think of me... i guess it's only not wanting to be made fun of and be hurt. or something. the weirdest thing ever is that i'm too shy to even sing badly when i am all alone in my room ... how does that one make any sense?
but yeah, so i made sarah sing "don't speak" (my least favorite no doubt song) with me, and also "just like heaven" ...the only cure song they had...and the lyrics on the screen were all messed up, so badly, and so wrong...they even got the chorus wrong! i'm so glad that sarah was up there with me, or i just don't know what i would have done... i would have been scared and wouldn't have known what to do...but yeah ...then we went and said hi to shiloh and chris and bianca who were at the mexican place down the street and after dancing we went to lestat's and shared a swimming pool of decaf coffee and talked to some friends of sarah's...
so when i was 15, i decided that any action a person took was selfish, in one way or another (for example, a boy giving a girl flowers is selfish in a way because he is either trying to make her like him more, or trying to make her happy which then makes HIM happy, or trying to be nice which makes him feel good, and so on...) and now, as i was telling sarah, "everything in life is selfish, and if you go any deeper, everything in life is pointless as well" ....isn't that fun?
at least certain individual acts can have points, but then even those points are pointless because in the end, it is all pointless ...life is kinda like the man saving up his money all his life, keeping it in the bank, and then he dies... in life we collect experiences, knowledge, memories, friendships, and achived goals, all just to die....so as pointless as it is to die with millions of unspent dollars in the bank, it is just that pointless to live at all. life is just a bunch of wasted time. it's like a video game that you just can win. you can do everything right and go after your goals and get everything you want everything, and you still die, and all your effort was for nothing... i think that it would be best if someone just blew up the world to end all this pointlessness.
"how are you?" is a question that i would rather people who don't know me very well not ask... ...the correct answer to this question in our society is "good" or "okay" or maybe even "great" ...and people sometimes seem to expect those answers and nothing real...they aren't even really asking "how are you?" ...they don't even care...they are just saying it out of habit or to be polite, in most cases...everyone knows that...but yeah, i hate when people i haven't seen in awhile ask me that because it's just too hard to answer, it's like "oh my god, where do i start?!?" and i'm not one to like to talk very often or explain things or repeat things that are that complicated, so it's just such an overwhelming question, like taking the SAT's, or worse... i usually try to avoid that question by asking the other person how they are instead...i'd rather hear about how they are then say anything. i can deal with my problems on my own.
this is usually how it goes: person: how are you? me: not good. (or "okay i guess") person: why??? (or "why only you 'guess'?")
and then it's just like, "oh no! i don't want to have to talk! ...ummmm, go read my website and be the best detective you can possibly be and TRY to figure it out...." haha...seriously, if i had to answer everyone who asked me that i would have to repeat the same thing too many times, even saying something twice seems too much for me... i need to just have *one* friend to tell everything to and that's all...that would be so much easier!
so how am i? ....not good. so not good, for like the past 5 days or so...i haven't felt this bad and hurt and things in soooo long.... why? why? why? you are thinking....well, because i can finally "feel" things again...instead of being so "dead" ...and that turns me from super-independent girl into such a mess under the wrong circumstances...what are those circumstances you ask? ...and i say, "go watch tv!!" my blog is not a soap opera!! hehehehe...but i'm sure i'll be fine soon, because i'm slowly starting to not feel again...and it's not by choice at all...
(draft) stay up all day and night just to wait and wait for you i can't sleep when the sky's not a perfect blue so i'll just wait and i'll wait until forever for you.
grrrr....the hardest thing in the world is to write happy-ful shallow electro lyrics. i just can't do it. i don't even know how to start, i can't even come close to finding a melody either...grrrr....it's too hard!! i don't have that kind of "fun" personality, i'm too depressed and shy, that's not the combination i need....but this is what i want to do...but it's not working... :( grrrr ...
i've noticed that a lot of people try to avoid their problems and pain by surrounding themselves with people, by going out, by drinking, and so on..."distractions" as jason called them...and i think i tried something like that for awhile and it only made things worse. problems don't go away by avoiding them, they usually get worse...and i think people get all screwed up when they try to avoid pain...
...i was noticing that i would much rather feel my pain and swim in it, than pretend it's not there and try to have fun. i don't like to force myself to talk and be social...and i don't like to go out a lot when i'm hurt...i'd much rather stay at home and cry and listen to the Cure...i like to feel, even if it's bad feelings, because it's better than not being able to feel, which is how i am so often.
hey kids, i'm going with (my old guiartist) Josh to LA for the weekend, and i won't be back until sunday night...so nothing new will be written until then... xoxoxoxoxo love, may*
it seems as though i don't really have a very strong "self".... i tend to melt away when i am around certain people. and i'm such a mirror, a chameleon....it's never on purpose...i just end up reflecting people's personalities. when i'm with Marcy i steal her energy and with calm people i become calm...and with sarah i feel confused, because i think she is kinda like me, so we both are left with no one to mirror...
but anyway, so i like to be around fun energetic people so that i can be that way too. but sometimes i'm too depressed for it to work and i just end up feeling in a different world, and even more depressed. but for the most part, i *need* to be around those kind of people.
i think sometimes i lose myself too much...like my style...i've been losing it lately, because i can understand other people's points of view about things and so it makes me not want to dress that way...and sometimes i just want to blend in and disappear and not have to take any more of the critisism...i don't know... so many things i think about...
i need to just learn how to not think about things so much and figure out exactly what i like enough to defend and stand up for... dancing and the cure are two of those things, but really with everything else i am too understanding of other people's views to completely stick to anything.
like i think that drugs are bad because they CHANGE people and they HURT people, and yet at the same time i can't defend my point of view because i can understand that some people try to use drugs in a safe positive environment and rarely, and things, and it makes me not able to say anything or have a strong opinion on anything... i remember watching pulp fiction and then turning it off because it was terrifying, because i wanted to stay a child and stay innocent...didn't want to watch a movie about drugs... but i just don't know anymore, about anything. i would never ever do drugs, and i wish that other people wouldn't, but they do, so i have to accept that and be understanding about it, and not against it...so it's just really strange...it feels like i don't get to be a strong person or have strong beliefs with anything, and that feels like it's wrong, and yet at the same time it feels like it's what i have to do... i don't know... i am lost and rambling...
sometimes i feel like i need to pick a self and stick to it, but at the same time that makes life harder and i don't really want to be just one way, i want to be everything, but i think that in some way that kind of makes me really nothing...
how can you laugh when it's the end of the world? how can you smile like everything is fine? how can you want to go on? why can you breathe, when i can't?
i hate writing, and i don't really want to write and i can't really write all that well, yet i am a writer. i write poems and songs, (or try to). i have written countless letters (/emails) to every boyfriend i've ever had. i wrote letters with my friends in junior high...and i don't mean "notes" ... i mean letters... i would have friends that i would hardly ever get to talk to, yet we said everything in letters... i write in this journal...and so on...
so why do i write if i don't even really like it? it's because i get sentances and thoughts and ideas in my head that i need to write down before i lose them. and i will lose them. and because i can say everything i need to say without being cut off...because in a conversation, i am lucky to say even one of the things that i am thinking...i just can't think that way. i think of things to say and then i write them, and then i think of more to say while writing...
you'd think that someone who writes as much as me would use bigger words and things like that...but it's not about that, it's about communicating instead. how can you communicate with people if they don't understand the words that you are using?
they say that in a relationship, one person expresses what the other person represses. and that when "men" try to stay calm about things ("oh, the bills will be fine if we pay them 3 weeks late") when really they are worried, the "women" will go crazy and flip out.
who would have ever thought that calmness and peacefulness could cause maddness?
but it's really oh so true. so many times in my life have i felt both sides of what i am talking about...mainly it's me that seems to go crazy. silence drives me crazy. not knowing the complete truth in important situations drives me crazy. and just so many things...
i am far more damaged than i ever thought i was... sometimes i think that i am somewhat ok, that i am strong, that i can survive, that the group homes and foster homes only damaged me somewhat, but really i am such a mess...
i think it was "boystown" (a grouphome) that damaged me the most. they sorta made me into more of a machine than a person. they didn't let us rest, didn't let us be alone, didn't give us time to think, to breathe, to live, to relax. everything was on a schedule. we had to clean, make dinner, do homework at the table in silence, shake people's hands when they came to the door, do roleplays, write down our positive and negative points, and so on. they didn't let you hang out in your room and just "be" ...i stopped drawing, listrning to music, for the most part, and all sorts of things. the only time i would be able to write in my journal is when i would take a flashlight and write under the covers during "lights off" time at night. the staff would come by and look in the windows in our doors. there wasn't time to write thoughts, only facts.
i forgot how to be human in that time. i learned to stress, and to act like an overworked successful business man. i didn't have time for anything, not even tv. i would spend hours rushing to get my homework done. there was never a moment where i wasn't doing something. a year and a half later, i got out, but it was still the same. i never had enough time, i was rushed, i was stressed, i couldn't even cuddle with chris, i needed to get up, to go, to do something, there was always things that needed to be done...
...today my mom tried to cuddle me and i felt the same way. i wanted to be there, and to listen, and to relax, but i can't. i felt as though i needed to leave, to do something, check my email, do things. and when i take baths, i always try to take them to relax, but i can never really stay in them longer than 5 minutes, because i always feel like i need to do things...
and i look back, and i didn't use to be this way.
and this way that i am affects the way that i think about too many things. and i notice that i am not quite real, and i am not quite in the same world as everyone else. because other people have family. doesn't matter if you hate them, it is still something that balances you, whether you know it or not.
today i saw my cousin Lindsey for the first time in years. and i had her and i had my mom and for moments i felt some kind of normalness that i have needed for so long. i would drift in and out of feeling this way because my mind was still other places, and i still felt rushed.
but i realized that i can't even love people right. something about the way i think, about the way i am is kind of "off" from not having my family. i don't do things right, i don't feel things right. i am broken.
i know that i need to fix myself, i know that i need to rest, i know that i need to be nicer and more patient and things, and less selfish (less in a rush), but i don't know how to do any of these things. i possibly think that maybe if i do the things my mom wants me to do i will get better. but then i won't have time for my friends and the other people that need me, and i will resist doing what my mom wants to do as usual and nothing will work, and i will stay broken forever....if i could maybe just learn how to breathe again, i think that i wouldn't be broken anymore....
why are girls attracted to jerks? everyone always wonders that. what are the girls, crazy?! but no, they aren't...it all makes sense now...as a friend pointed out, girls are attracted to jerks because when guys are NICE to them, and so then they feel obligated and things. they feel bad when people are nice to them, they feel bad when people give them things, they feel bad when they are treated how they want to be treated. because they feel like the guys will think they are being used, or because they feel like they need to give so much back, and it just drives the girl into a state of worry and confusion, causing them to run away, and settle for someone that isn't so sweet. someone they can kick. i don't know. something like that.
my head feels heavy and the room begins to spin trying to look forward but i don't know where i've been cut, cut, cut everything that i love turn around and around until my head falls off.
floating above the clouds and the music is kissing my soul it takes it's hands and grasps me twists me around and pulls me down deep into the clouds and softly falling flying wrapped up gently in the sweetest lullaby.
I am in love!!! So forever I have been wanting Chris and I to play shows, just me and him, and maybe a bassist, and maybe another guitarist, and I wanted to sing like chino, and have NO DRUMMER. Because I don't really like drums. They are okay in some bands, if they are done really right, but most of the time, if the guitar is really pretty, drums would just cover up[and kill that beauty...
and so just now Chris was just showing me Team Sleep songs, and the song "Natalie Portman" sounds EXACTLY how I wanted my band to be ...a few guitars, maybe bass, and the most beautiful singing ever ...the guitar even sounds a lot like the pretty way that chris sometimes plays. And i was like "HA! See?!!?!? NO DRUMS! and it sounds perfect!!" because he always tells me I have to have drums ... I will just die if i can't have a band that sounds like that some day.
oh yeah, and things with my mom are getting a little better. she just gets a little overwhelmed sometimes, which drives others crazy...hehehe... she says she loves her little apartment now and stuff. chris is going to build her some shelves for her stuff. ...now all she needs is a stove.
I am going to marry Hollywood and Electroclash!! Once again, someone PLEASE make sure that I end up moving to Hollywood or somewhere close to it. When I am away for awhile I start to think that maybe San Diego is not so bad and that it's nice how I know cool/nice people here and all this stuff...But then I go to Hollywood and I become HAPPY and full of LIFE and I'm alive again, and I have energy and the desire to live...and I realize that San Diego is nothing but a black hole that I need to escape! It sucks the life out of me... but yeah, please please don't let me live here after college! It is bad for me here! It always has been. It's gotten better, but it's still really bad.
The night started off kinda bad because Chris was taking SO long to start getting ready for club synthetic, and we left 3 hours after the time I wanted to leave, so I was SO SO SO mad (because I didn't want to miss the electroclash bands) ...and when I get mad, it's not a good thing to be the person I'm mad at. I yell and I want to hit you. Those kinds of things. hehehehe... But then things changed so I felt better...Chris was tired so we stopped the car and switched places, and I drove Chris and I up to LA...this is the first time he's ever let *me* drive there. Usually he is too worried about me driving on scary LA freeways and only lets me drive home ...It was so incredibly fun driving up there...so exciting...I didn't mind driving that far at all...I turned up the music as loud as I could without killing our ears and happily drove all the way there. Poor Chris was too terrified to really sleep though...he's scared of girls driving and he doesn't like not being in control of his car, but yeah, it was especially fun driving down Sunset Blvd. playing electroclash with the windows open... hehehehe...I sooooooooo love Hollywood and the lights and the energy there. I love how there is traffic at 12:20 at night. I love how the city is alive, the people are alive. It's so wonderful. So yeah, we got there really late and missed the first two bands and barely got to dance, but it was still soooooooooo super fun to be there. There were SO many people there and they were SO full of life and energy and the energy was just everywhere, in the air...and I love how the LA people get all dressed up and stuff...It's like Halloween or a costume party or something...So much creativity and art in their outfits...But yeah. It was nice to be back in that *old* venue, it felt like home. We danced to a couple songs in each room. And I was sad that songs I used to love I couldn't stand to dance to because club 80's has played them out, because club 80's is the LAMEST CLUB EVER IN THE WORLD, almost. It plays the same songs EVERY WEEK until you are sick of them! grrrr. But yeah, and then we caught the last band, Dirty Sanchez, and they were really fun to watch...they had props and fun costumes and a little choreography...but the only problem was that pretty much all their music was pre-recorded, so it didn't sound so good. kinda like MSI. Sounded worse than records/cds even. And then their singing wasn't even all that great either. (which is great in a way, because it means i have a chance to sing in this world, if they can be on stage, so can I!) and they screwed up on a few lines in their songs...which was kinda lame because it was like they hadn't put any time into rehursing, I mean, all the fans know the words to your songs, you should know them better! hahah...but yeah they also left the stage at one point (to change costumes) and played their music video for "Really Rich Italian Satanists" ...then they did one more song, (which they had costumed actors/dancers for), "Dinner Party" or something, and that was great... Then the club went back to playing music for 20 minutes and I noticed/remembered that Barry (from Vice Versa/electroluxe/I-ROK) was spinning... It was funny because all I had to do was listen to the songs he chose to tell that it was him...hehehe...so I went to say "hi" and Chris went to go smoke...And then Chris was never to be seen again. I frantically looked for him, but he was no where. So I went to dance by myself. Then a mexican-ish boy named Eric came and adopted me and danced with me, and even though he was a little spastic and un-coordinated, he was soooooooo fun to dance with...he all over the place and random and a little agressive (in a good way) and we just danced all crazy-fun, kinda the same way I dance with my gay boys, only without feeling shy and uncoordinated myself. It was great. I had sooo much fun. Then after the music stopped I went and talked to Barry for a bit and we walked out together and I found my Chris. The poor child had tried to go to the smoking patio, but it was closed, so he went out front instead, not realizing that there is no Re-entry to LA clubs, and they wouldn't let him back in, so he was stuck out in the cold unable to dance. That's what he gets for being stupid and wasting our LA time smoking!!!!!! But seriously, even though it was stupid of him not to see the sign that said no re-entry when we paid, I still felt really bad for him. The poor thing. He actually kinda likes that club and he didn't really get to dance at all after driving all the way there... It was just really sad...Anyways, then we drove home and actually talked for once in our lives and we went to the Del Taco in downtown SD and saw our favorite old lady that works there....she just barelt remembered us, because it had been sooooooo long since the two of us had seen her...we used to go dancing in mexico and then go there, but Chris and I stopped hanging out, so yeah...The End. I want a car so that I can always drive to LA and be happy.
oh yeah and on top of all that, my mom read my journal from when i was 15-16. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. she doesn't respect my privacy at all.
i want to die.
oh and chris read my ENTIRE journal too, last night while i was out with marcy. i guess that's okay because it was all about him, but still, why the fuck won't these people stay out of my stuff? i can't take any more of this!
help help help my mother is driving me crazy she keeps yelling and nagging and talking and she won't shut up. and now she's driving chris crazy too. she's ranting and raving about everything. i tried to turn up the music as loud as i could, i ran to the bathroom and locked the door and got in the bath to get away, and she keeps sreetching and screetching.
it's seriously worse than torture. she's emotionally torturing me. i'm about to jump out the window or hang myself or something. i'm literally going crazy. i'm not kidding, i feel so tortured and emotionally drained.
i woke up early today and moved her stuff into the apartment for her, i paid for the stupid apartment place for her. i gave her the extra mattress thing, which i moved in there all by myself, and i gave her some of my sheets and my blankets. and i helped her move in a refrigerator in there.
and now i finally locked her out of my house and she just came back to yell through the door and she's saying how she's not going to take the apartment now (after i already paid for it and stuff)... and she is just being a stupid ungrateful bitch and i hate her so much sometimes.
i just want to be alone, and i want silence and she won't give me any space and i'm going to go crazy, i am.
on top of all this i'm supposed to go out with my friend today and i'm too stressed and i just need to be alone and i have to go out and i don't have any energy left and just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
haha...my friend Eaden is so great...he just text messaged me: "punk ass...call eaden @ ***-**** ...child where have you been?" ...because of course he hasn't heard from me since i called him back when i was last in LA with Jason. i've been soooooo bad with calling people back, or i call people and they won't be home and so then they call me back and i just disappear again. my mom is always saying how i used to be the most reliable person ever and ALWAYS answer my phone ...but now i never do...i think i stopped answering my phone when this boy was nearly stalking me...it got me into the bad habit of not answering *some* calls and i NEVER answer "unkown number" calls...i really need to just start answering my phone 100% of the time again... grrrr....too many people call me, it's too hard. i don't feel like i have time!
god, i hate people that think they are so great when they are not. grrrrrrrrrr. just bothers me SO much. makes me want to punch them, and it makes me so hateful.
Grrrr. So jason invited me to my club in LA, to something i was already going to, and i said something like: "sure, i'll go with you, i was going to make other plans for that, but if you promise not to stand me up AGAIN, i'll go with you" ... And he promised not to stand me up. And so i get a call from him a few days ago saying that he won't be able to go because he has work that night. Then i find out he asked another girl to go. Hmmmmmm.... funny how that works. and Deja vu! My friends are so nice! Aren't they?!?! But at least i'm not the only one that he has stood up. Someone please remind me not to give that person another thought or any MORE of my time. I often feel sorry for people when they are in need and get sucked back in to bad situations, trying to help them, no matter how hard i try not to. so if you see that i have talked to him, or hung out with him, please hit me and remind me that he is not a "friend" ...
Oh, and the funny thing is, I loosely based the episode of Gilmore Girls i had to write on him lying to me and standing me up and going somewhere with another girl instead, and now he's done it again! The second i'm finally starting to try to trust him again, he quickly brakes my trust! How smart and nice of him! what a great friend! i really think i should make myself a list of people i'm not allowed to talk to...people that cause so much harm and sadness and drama should be avoided...thank god i only know a few people like this... and the other two i rarely see or talk to, so it works out perfectly. i guess people just turn all crazy when they are old or something. not all of the older people i know are bad, but the only bad ones i know all happen to be old... never before in my life did i know that such mean people existed.
i mean, chris was 1-8 hours late to pick me up and things so so so many times, but never ever did he lie to me like that, never did he do anything that horrible to me. Never has anyone been so evil to me. (Well except maybe the foster parent who lied and said that i stole laundry soap and things from our house and gave them to chris because she wanted to get rid of me because she was so insecure and crazy that she thought her old ugly husband liked me or something...and of course, no one was smart enough to realize that chris's parents bought him his own BETTER brand of laundry soap and things ...grrrr.) but yeah, it's one thing to screw up, it's another thing to purposely LIE to someone and go behind their back and get their hopes up and make them trust you and all sorts of things like that...that is just purely malicious. grrrrrr. okay, i'm over it. really. just when i become a terrorist when i grow up, you'll know why. hehehe....
i'm starting to lose sight of everything. dreams are pointless. life is pointless. so why do anything? why try when we die in the end? (yeah, i know, half my blogs say this, but i swear it keeps getting worse.), but seriously, what is the point? sure i can accomplish things in life if i try, but WHY try? WHY waste my time doing that? why work so hard when i'm just going to die? why struggle to accomplish something just to die? why not just do nothing. why not just live day to day and do whatever there is to do that day? why have goals? why care?
i only know how to survive, how to get through bad things without going crazy, to go through things that i hate, to keep going, to do what i am "supposed to do" (go to school), but when that is over, there will be nothing more holding me down, nothing left to survive and i will be able to do anything i want to. but i don't want to do anything if there is no point. i kind of wanted to be in a band, but what is the point? i'm just going to die, why put effort into anything?
why must i think like this?!?! will someone please tell me something that makes me stop thinking this way? give me a reason why. something i can't argue against. is there no reason? i think it would make the most sense if we just blew up the entire earth and everyone died. to end all the pointlessness.
so like everything else, i've been overthinking the concept of friendship... who should you be friends with? what should be the reason that you choose to be friends with one person another, spend time with one person instead of another? is it because you like the same things? is it because that person can make you laugh? is it because you find them interesting? are those reasons fair? what if you are friends with someone and their interests change, then what? what reasons should you be friends with someone for? to help them? to have fun with them? or WHY???
i have friends that don't have the same interests as me, and so the only way we ever hang out is when we do what they want to do, and that's fine. but then i don't even like the way they are judgemental, so should i even be friends with them? i don't have fun with them. i don't really like them, but we've known each other forever, so do i stay friends with them?
i have other friends that are nice, but they don't make me laugh and they don't interest me and i don't want to confide in them, and i don't have fun with them and they don't need me to help them with their problems, so what do i do with them? they are nice people and they want to be friends, but just nothing makes me desire to hang out with them either...
should i only be friends with the people that do the same things as me? but what happens when one of us no longer does those things? then i'm stuck with people i don't really like. and it just goes on and on....
what should be the reason to be friends with one person and not another? and if i decide to only be friends with the people that make me the happiest, that i have the most fun with, that are the most understanding, then is that fair? isn't that selfish? so then, shouldn't i give my time to anyone who asks for it? so that i am not being selfish. but then that doesn't seem right either...
what if i don't really have fun with anyone anymore? no matter where i go, or what i do, or who i'm with? then who should i be friends with? then what do i do?
ahhhhh! i am just so confused. friends are starting to seem pointless just like everything else and i really don't understand the point of anything anymore....
someone say something before i drive myself crazy!
so i used to say that my website was content-less. and just eye-candy, for the most part, because i just threw content onto it *really fast* 2 years ago...i only like designing web-pages, not writing about myself...
...and i was just looking over it, trying to edit some things...and it is just SO bad and everything sounds SO stupid that i don't even know how to begin to edit it. I'd have to erase everything and start over! and even then, i don't know what i would want to write ... i almost just want to erase it all and leave it blank....
i want to say things so that i don't have to answer questions that people ask me. so that i don't have to talk. so that people don't ask me over and over again "why is your mom staying with you?" ...things like that. i can't answer that everytime someone asks, it would take like 10 years!
and i'd want to put my poems up, but then stupid people steal them. i dunno. websites are just so lame.
does anyone know what kinds of things i should write on my "facts/about her" page? there are so many things i could write and so many things i could leave out, but what should that page say? what answers should it give? help?!
reacting vs. acting for the longest time i've felt that everything i do is acting, and not reacting. because i'm broken. because i'm dead. like something happens and i don't do anything. and i think "how am i supposed to feel?" and then i let myself feel that way. instead of being mean to people when they're mean, i'm nice...and things like that. i don't react to many things. and for the longest time i thought that was bad. bad not to feel enough to react. but now i'm starting to think that it is at least partway good. it is good to be able to be rational and not be controlled by emotions. to be able to think and make my own descions instead of reacting out of pure emotions. i think that is what they say one of the differences between humans and animals are, is that humans have the power to make descions and not just react....
so a friend of mine and i were talking about how we like *crazy* boys, because normal ones are boring...and then she emails me and this is part of it:
...It?s like, I just want to be someone?s fantasy, and I think that?s not what a normal relationship is about... that?s like, one of those hidden, secret, mad, passionate things... that je ne sais quoi... It seems like you can only be that for someone if there is something ?unreal? about you for them. You know? Like with *****, I had that, and in some ways it was good, but in others, it was very unhealthy... and you know why? Because I didn?t belong in his world? it was like I crawled out of a rip in the space time continuum, like ten years younger and all good girlish? like I didn?t fit in...
I think you need that? I dunno? I?m confused?
and she was also talking about a movie where the obsessed boy killed someone and went to jail for the girl...
So i was cleaning just now and i found another good bye note from chris, this one a suicide note of sorts, and i think that i do have the kind of crazy love that girls crave: "...so i choose to die. i choose to complete you. i choose to be perfect through my sacrifice of life. my sacrifice is to you. for you and only you. i love you May and i'm sorry. now i choose to die. maybe through my death *you* can live a better life" ...and the cute little boy thought that he had to die in order to make me happy... good thing he didn't die...i only needed him to clean the house, not die! lol
having someone that would do anything for you, kill for you, die for you, is so unhealthy, but at the same time, so comforting to know that you are loved *that* much, and so much better than just a normal relationship in so many ways...
so tragic how things work... all i ever needed from chris was for him to clean his part of the house and to take care of his bills and be responsible and stuff and to maybe go out dancing at least once a month, or just anything that wasn't being stuck at home...
but he wouldn't do what i needed, and so i was mad and all sorts of things, and glued myself to the computer...
meanwhile, chris needed me, but i was so mad at him that all i could do was ignore him. so there we were, trapped in the same house, both needing each other, but neither of us able to see what the other one needed, no matter how much we begged.
i just found a good bye note that chris had written about 7 months ago or so and this was part of it: "...Ok, maybe i'm jealous of the computer. all that makes you happy is it. i can't make you laugh anymore. i can't kiss you anymore....i don't get anything a boyfriend needs or even a friend. no love, no hugs, i don't even get noticed or talked to."
and he never understood that all he had to do was clean his part of the house and take me out of the house and things like that and he would have gotten all the attention he needed...i can't give someone attention when i hate them, it just doesn't work.
ick. i feel in the strangest mood lately. i don't feel like i can "feel" anything, other than the emotion of hate/anger. love, compassion, loneliness: that kind of stuff is missing. i am like soooooooo emotionally dead. i don't even think i could feel sad...it's so terrible. everytime i get hurt this happens to me, all my emotions just decide to turn off or go hide.
and on top of that, i'm feeling soooooo depressed. not sad, just depressed, as in "real" depression, the kind that comes without reason (although i *could* have a million reasons) ..and this combination of depression AND being emotionally numb is just so terrible. i feel like i just don't ever want to leave my house again type thing, i don't want to go out, i don't want to answer my phone, i don't want to see anyone and so on.... of course, i'll force myself to go to neon beat tomorrow and faction-6 on wednesday and 80's w/sarah on thursday and synthetic w/chris and sarah or whoever on friday and so on, but i really don't want to go anywhere at all. i haven't even been returning important emails lately...i just stare at them instead. i am so broken, i wish that i didn't feel like this, it's so terrible. like i have no motivation to do anything at all...school is almost over, i should be excited, but i'm not. i just feel like nothing at all instead.
how do i make this depression/emotionally deadness go away? anyone know? (and if you say med.s, i'll hit you! hehehe)
my mommy is staying with me yet AGAIN. i really hope that we can get her the studio so that she won't have to stay here too long because it is really hard to have 3 people living in such a tiny apartment...we start killing each other and things. hehehe...i can't get ahold of the manager, it sucks. i'm scared that maybe we won't be able to get her that studio after all, and then where would she go? it's so stressing!
the music at transport was soooo incredibly good tonight. much better than normal. lots of electro/synth stuff...only a couple bad songs. i went with my old guitarist, josh. (the guy who did the music for my song "god"). grrrrr, there were some downtown/preppy/frat boy type boys (and girls) there, and they were SO out of place with their stupid rude comments and loudness and stuff...grrr...they were making fun of the way that people were dancing and they were yelling and being drunk all over the place and freak dancing and flaling their arms and stuff. you'd think that the richer people would be "Classier" but they are 10,000 times worse then anything. i so wanted to go and punch the boys. or i wanted to say "ooh did you poor boys get lost on the way to downtown? (or a Frat party) ...it's that way..." seriously, they have enough clubs to go to downtown, they don't need to come invade ours, esp. when they don't appreciate the music, and when they are not respectful. grrrrr. luckily the DJs played a lot of electro instead of too much brit pop and it finally scared the annoying overly white people away.
i'm so excited, josh and i are going to spend an entire weekend clubbing in LA soon! it's so great because *HE* really wants to go, and is so excited about it. it was *his* idea to go for a whole weekend, so that's really great...oh and also, if i ever come up with like $11,000 i get to buy his car from him...i have been in love with his car forever ...a silver toyota celica..it's the car that i wanted when i was 17 or so...so i'm thinking that if i sell CHRIS, i'll have enough money....hahaha...anyone want to buy a Chris? hehehe...
TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. i swear to god all people ever do is take all my energy and strength away. i try to help people with their problems, try to help people work things out, try to give people advice, try to help people be better people, try to be there for people when they are sad, try to love them, try to make sure everyone has everything they need, try to hang out with people when they want me to, etc, etc,
and yet, it never seems to be enough. people always want more. more, more, more, more. and maybe that would be okay if i only had one friend, but i feel as though i have way too many people needing help around me, and i can only do so much. all my energy is drained. i can't do it anymore, i can't keep giving every ounce of time i have to other people!! i need some time for myself! i need time to just relax and to take care of things i need to take care of, and maybe to paint my nails more than twice a year. time to breathe would be nice also. i've had my AIM off for a few days now and that has been a really nice break from people demanding my time and attention. seriously, i do not know how to deal with having more than one friend at a time. i can barely even leave my house without chris not wanting me to go because he needs me, because he's lonely, and then *other* people email me telling me that i am not being there for them enough, well HELLO, i do have FINALS! i've even been neglecting my Sarah! and when she gets neglected that means that EVERYONE is neglected. grrrrrr. i need a vacation from everyone, i swear. of course i am only writing this because i'm mad at an email a very UN-understanding "friend" sent me....
people i need to hang out with soon, before they shoot me or charge me with child neglect: cicely, jason #1, jason #2, jason #3, possibly jason #4 (no, they don't get to have last names!), mari, yoshi, tiffany, tri, bre, kian, roland, grace, patrice, shasta, matt, tj, michelle, tamara, mike, zenaida, tom, josh#1, josh#2, josh#3, josh#4, brett, brittany, and i am sure there are some other people... i think at least 2 or 3 of these people i waited too long to see and now it's too late...like "jason#1" and shasta..i've been saying i was going to hang out with them for TWO YEARS now. somehow i never seem to get a chance and always seem to hang out with new people instead...i think tamara doesn't want to hang out anymore either...
if you are one of these people, stare at my calendar and try to make plans with me...i refuse to make plans with anyone because no one really ever wants to do what i want to do, so i give up...drag me where you want to. anyways you can't really invite people places without a car. as soon as my house gets clean, i can invite people over though! yay! but, note that i have been waiting an entire YEAR now for my house to get clean...and even the summer before that, i was waiting for the house to be clean. it doesn't matter what i do, it's never clean enough. and i only want to invite people over if it's perfect because that is the whole point of having a house (apt.) ...it's only FUN if it's perfect.
i grieve for your ghost and i grasp and i grip and you slip through my hands and i gasp and i choke and i'm choking on tears but i think that maybe this time i give up.
depressed. soooooooo depressed. for no reason, depressed. tonight should have been really fun, i was with my sarah, i met lots of new people, hung out with some people i already knew, people were sweet to me, and all sorts of things, yet still i was sooooo depressed. i had sarah take me home from the after party early.
so who's going to LA with me on June 11th (friday)? jason cancled on me because he has work...so i need to find new friends to go with. or i could take the car and go alone, but then i wouldn't have any fun. i think it would be fun if everyone i know went. so yeah, if you are reading this, you have to come!!
Dirty Sanchez, XOXOXO, and Freeze Pop are playing at club synthetic vs. beat it @ the HOLLYWOOD ATHLETIC CLUB 6525 SUNSET Blv. there are going to be 3 rooms of dancing and i think that even Barry Weaver might be spinning.
you will all be happy to know that i am now the ugliest girl in the world. not only am i without my long blonde hair to trick you into thinking i'm somewhat "pretty" ...i now have real black hair on semi-dark skin with blue eyes which is the most horrible mixture ever. black hair with dark skin with BROWN eyes is fine. black hair with blue eyes with WHITE skin is fine. but my combination just sucks. i always knew that i would look bad with black hair. that is why i never dyed my hair black, even though i wanted to. i had held fake black hair up to my face to see what it looked like when i was 14...i even have a picture of it somewhere...and i've worn black wigs too... but i guess i just had to ruin my hair to prove that it really doesn't look good.
i also have the worst haircut ever lately. yes, there are things that i can do with my hair that can trick people into thinking the cut is not ugly, but really it is. and i really hate having to spend time doing my hair. grrr. i HATE haircut people! death to them all! they all suck! my hair is at that stupid length that is like "i'm too scared to do what i really want to do to my hair" (shorter)... and also too short to do what i wanted to do with my hair. all i wanted was a simple shoulderlength type cut that i could maybe curl the ends up and stick a bow in ...like snow white or something ...with electoclash looking long sideways bangs. but no, i can't have that. doesn't matter how much money i pay for a haircut, or what i tell them, they always cut my hair to this STUPID length. i want to go back and get it cut to the "short" length i want, but somehow i think they'd mess that up too. i should kidnap my friend veronica and have her take me to her stylist and point at her and say "cut my hair exactly like hers OR DIE!" and then after i had that haircut, i could get it cut even shorter and have boy spikes and then grow out the black and keep it blonde forever again.
it's so frusterating, in acting we have to "make choices", strong choices and then stick to them. like choices about what the line we are saying MEANS, and then say it that way. (an over simplified example: say the line is "i like hot dogs" and then you have to decide if the character really LIKES hot dogs or is being scarcastic and hates them, and then whichever you decide, you have to say it that way).
what frusterates me is that i don't want to "make" a choice i want to KNOW the RIGHT choice, i want to KNOW what the WRITER wanted, and what they meant, and i want to make THAT choice.
i think that is the only way that anything can truely make sense or be performed correctly, and yet no one ever seens to care about this...they want it to be your own interpretation of it...what *i* think it means, but i just can't do that, i need the RIGHT interpretation, not my *own* ....the play cannot make sense unless each line is understood and acted out in the RIGHT way.
does anyone understand what i mean? actors and directors can never seem to understand me. maybe i would be better at something that has a definate answer, a definate way to be done...like putting together cars!, i don't know...
but yeah, it drives me INSANE, not knowing the 'right' way to say my lines...like in the monologue i'm trying to memorize, at the end the girl is saying some lines and i need to know wheather they are her OWN ideas and she really WANTS to do the things that she is saying or if she has just been brainwashed and is only repeating information that she has been told and forced to believe ...it really looks like that might be it, but then it also looks like it might be sincere as well....grrrr!! i wish i knew!! if i could i would call the writer and ask!!
New Club, 21+, this WEDNESDAY NIGHT at shooterz!! NO COVER! FREE! bring ALL your friends to Faction-6 ...
(ELECTROCLASH-BRITPOP-SYNTHPOP-FUTUREPOP-MOD-DREAMPOP-SHOEGAZER-ELEKTRO) DJs: LIQUID GREY + DJ BREN & Special Guest DJs Weekly
please support this new club! all you have to do is show up! it's 100% free! (for girls AND BOYS. said the promoter) (click the above link for the address)
does anyone know what dye to use to get the darkest black hair ever? (and NOT blue-black) a dye that won't fade? i am so frusterated with my hair, it is SO ruined. i want to just shave it all off and start over!
