sitting right in the middle of the road, eating oreo pie is the best thing in the world. so while i was away, i hung out with my cousin Molly who is 16 and some 17 year old boys, Gavin and Blake. it was so great to hang out with kids. everything was more fun because kids are more fun because they have not been quite as ruined by life yet... Molly, Blake, and I went to rite aid to get ice cream, but the ice cream thing was closed. so we went in the make up isle and played. including putting sample lipstick on Blake's arm and spraying him with pefume. Molly and I each painted one of our nails. we also played with fake hair things. then we went to the grocery store and Blake bought us an entire oreo cream pie and also a chocolate chip pie. we went back home and started walking to Gavin's and decided to eat out pie in the middle of the street instead... we got forks and paper plates and just sat down in the road and ate pie. it was sooooo fun. all the adults came out and took pictures of us, their strange children, who they thought were cute. oddly enough, no one seemed too worried that we were sitting in the middle of the street...then we spent the rest of the night talking in the loft in the garage and also standing in the middle of the street...
being away was so fun, and peaceful. everything felt very balanced and normal. so i didn't get depressed really, or think about how life is pointless....i could just LIVE life and not think about it. and the things that i did weren't even that fun, but they were fun because they were better than san diego...they were not so routine and "adult-ish" ... no stupid bars or watching tv or lame parties. when we did have the tv on, we would still talk and not really watch it. and we would go on adventures. everything was an adventure. even the little kid (age 15-20 ?) parties there were super fun...everyone was so alive and full of energy and kids people were play wrestling... so much differnent from the horrible dead dull depressing feel of san diego....
chris was the sweetest thing ever.... i came home from being gone for a week and chris had actually gone to the grocery store and cleaned the house, just for me. he also bought me roses and there was a little note saying that he missed me and that there were presents in the freezer for me! he bought me two "fruit full" watermelon popsicles which are my favorite popsicles ever...
happiness turns into unhappiness when you don't have anyone who understands...... so yeah, i have fun sometimes, rarely lately, but still sometimes. or i experience things, like say seeing a tree in a certain light to where it looks surreal...and i think "wow this is neat" or "this is so much fun, i want everybody to do this/feel this!"
...but then i realize, that no one will ever be able to get inside my head and see things the same way that i do. (yes, you could argue that the world would be boring if we could see the same, or that we would have nothing to talk about, BUT, telling people things never does any good, you're lucky if they even listen...and so talking about things like that would be pointless. AND you NEED at least one person who can see things the way you do...) and i realize that no one is even going to try to do exactly what i do to even see if they are able to experiance things the way that i do... for example, yeah, i get my friends to go out dancing. but they need to dance without stopping, for hours, and not worry and complain about being hot and thirsty and feet hurt and things, and ignore those things and see if they feel happy like i do in the end...
...and then if they DID try to do things the way i did, and were NOT happy, then i would still be stuck in that same sense of aloneness...with no one that could feel or experiance things the way that i do...which is what i need... i need someone to see the world through my eyes, someone to do everything with me and have it be SO MUCH FUN because we feel the same and see the same... of course by "someone" i mean that it really sucks that i can't share the fun i had with sarah with either boyfriend i have because they slept instead... they are different things. they are maybe not right for me? i love doing things with sarah and with girls and having fun with them, but it just makes me wonder why i can't ever *really* have fun dancing with a boy (except for gay boys) ...will all my experiances in life be selfish? will all my memories only be in my own head and not shared with a boy? i don't think i want that....i want to feel the same way, i want a boyfriend that is a best friend, that is always there... like sarah, but a boy, like my gay boys dancing, but not gay ... i don't know, i'm rambling...need to sleep now or something...
two boyfriends...kinda how strange is this? so i come home from dancing with sarah and Shiloh is asleep on my couch, and Chris is asleep on the bed... so what am i to do? if i go cuddle in my bed with chris, shiloh might be hurt, and if i do anything else, chris might be hurt...
so far i've walked to 7-11 barefoot to buy water and went jogging for a tiny bit, and both were really fun because i had so much energy from dancing...
now what do i do? the funny thing is that i've got myself stuck into two longterm relationships basically...and i don't even really feel that it is best for me to be in any relationship at my age. i need to just meet lots of people and date and have fun without any stupid responsibility... at the same time, i know that good guys are soooooo hard to find, and so when i find one, i don't want to let them go, even if it's the worst time for me to be in a relationship... and then another thing is that i don't think that dating serves any real purpose because i don't want anyone else and i'm not looking for anyone else...i just want to go out and have fun and that's all... i don't have enough fun and it makes me miserable...
I LOVE MEXICO! or is it Sarah?! ...or dancing? tonight i had soooooooooo much fun dancing with Sarah in TJ. i haven't had this much *fun* dancing in soooooo long. it was so nice to be in a NEW venue, with NEW mixes of music, and with Sarah, who is good at pushing herself to dance until the end without really stopping...she has endurance and she is so open minded and adaptable that she is always so wonderful to hang out with. she's also independent and fearless and understanding, and all sorts of wonderful things, on top of being one of the prettiest/funnest/best dancer girls i know...she's very "real"...she's even super extra great and doesn't need to drink or do drugs to have fun...most of the time we just drink water at bars together and have more fun than anyone else there...
...but yeah, i'm trying to write about the club, not sarah, oops...hehe...
Mexico clubs are usually so great in comparison to the dark dingy boring bars of san diego that they consider clubs... the one we went to was round inside with silver and mirrors and white and lights, and i can't even describe it...it was something out of a movie almost... WAY better than anything i have seen in America...
and the people!...everyone was SUCH a good dancer...they all danced like my hipster gay boy friends....and everyone kept their space...no stupid freak dancing, no stupid boys bothering or touching us...and everyone was dressed up, electroclash-y and all sorts of fun styles...and people wore colors and white!...and people were so full of LIFE...it wasn't all dark and dead and black like san diego's club 80's...sarah and i danced with one boy who nicely kept his distance...Oh and this guy with boots and long hair started talking to me in spanish and i was struggling to figure out what he was saying when finally it turned out that he was from San Diego too, and just thought that i was mexican because of my black hair and tan skin....haha...
also, it was kind of funny, i ran into this girl Alex from school...I remember every day looking at her in class, thinking "this girl dresses like she would go to vice versa..." and even her hair seemed very electroclash-y ...and there she was tonight. at an electroclash club, in Mexico of all places... and Sarah ran into two girls from her work ... and red-haired Selena was there of course... and Larry, and Barry from vice versa was spinning (as well as Danny from Ladytron, which we mainly missed) ...and Barry spun the greatest set ever! Afterwards Barry and Larry took Sarah and I across the border, back to our car, that was really nice of them...so that we didn't have to walk or anything...
10 thousand goodbyes
but she never goes away
losing myself into you
becoming nothing
nothing
wanted to be something
but my dreams are fading away
melting into you
what am i doing here?
what am i doing here with you?
wasting time, wasting life
nothing feels right
i try to stay
another day, another night
here with you
but all i can do
is just barely keep myself from drowning
in this ordinary room.
yay...sarah took me to fun places! i went to work with sarah tonight and sat and talked on the phone and listened to music and wrote in my journal, and sarah fed me tea and bread. then we picked her sister up from the airport and drove her home to the "mountains," to "the middle of nowhere", as sarah calls it... and there were actually stars there, and it reminded me of my uncle's, kind of, and we went and climbed on "the tower" ...a wooden and metal thing in the middle of a meadow... (and i climbed up it wearing a dress and boots! hahaha) and then we went to the hilton in hotel circle and went exploring and stuff. we almost snuck into the jacuzzi, there were even towels, but we decided to do it another time...the end.
everybody should go to this club tomorrow!!!!: FREE! no cover! 21+
Venue: 4696 30th Street San Diego, Ca [ inside Kadan ]
crossstreets: 30th and Adams
music: ELEKTROCLASH-EBM-SYNTHPOP-FUTUREPOP-MOD-iDM-ELEKTRO[pop]
DJs: Liquidgrey + Narcolep(t) + xHorrorHEADx
Info: (619) 640.2500
Time: 9pm - 2am
just wanted to say THANKS SO MUCH!!! to the people that have donated over the last few months...Thanks to...
* James Fisher * ICDedPpl * Modellooks * Brad Stirrat * Rebecca Glagola * Dawn Pellegrin * Jay Moore * Joshua Tyler * Tracy Scarpino * Christian Amabisca * My mom! * Diana Nilsson * Rebecca Kemp *
does anyone else have a problem with hanging out with more than one person at a time? i can't seem to do it. it never really works. like when i went in the ocean with Marcy and Karisma, i kept worrying about Marcy, and making sure that she didn't feel left out (because she didn't want to go as far out in the water as us), and i couldn't completely just have fun...i was worrying most of the time, not wanting Marcy to feel bad....
and then dancing with Sarah and Jason used to confuse me, because i didn't know who to dance with, because i didn't want anyone to feel left out...and i would try to dance with both at once and would just worry and worry... and then when i drag people to vice versa, i always feel like i have to pay attention to them...and i can't really dance with my vice versa friends ... everything just is so stressful...it's too hard to know more than one person in a place...either that, or i have to go to the place alone, so that i am not responsible for the people that are my friends...so that i don't have to worry about paying attention to them or not...
i remember that when i was with jason, at vice versa, he would often abandon me to go talk to his friends, and so i had to make my own friends. then when we would go to vice versa, we would dance with/talk to our friends, and it was kinda nice because i never had to worry about jason having fun or not...it was like we had come seperately.
maybe that's one reason why i have more fun dancing in LA...because i always just bring *one person* and we are completely isolated and forced to have fun with each other and not other people...because we don't know any of the other people...
i've always been the type of person that's done best with having *one* (best) friend and that's it... either that or hanging out with groups of people that i don't know *that* well...
but yeah, so it's really hard for me to hang out with lots of *my* friends at once... like the other day i had Mia, Marcy, Chris, and Shiloh (and his friends) in one place...and it was SO hard to give everyone the attention that they needed... and then on friday i had Marcy, Karisma, Shiloh, and Chris...and that was very hard...and my vice versa friends were there too, and i didn't feel like i could really dance with them because i had to entertain every one else ...
having friends isn't supposed to be this stressful, is it? what am i do wrong? does anyone else feel like this??
how (un)normal is this? so when i invite people places, i want them to go because they want to do whatever it is that we are doing, and NOT because they want to hang out with me...is that strange? it seems like too many people i know will go places because they want to be with me and not because they want to do what i'm doing. i don't like that. maybe if i was really lonely or something i would. and i mean, of course in ways that's great ... but i just wish that the people would LOVE the things that we were doing instead, the way that i do. (of course, this doesn't apply to taking someone somewhere for the first time)... but i just want the people i invite to go rollerskating to LOVE rollerstaking, to really WANT to rollerskate ...and when i take people dancing, i want them to go because they LOVE dancing, because they WANT to go dancing, and not because they want to spend time with me... i want the people that i bring to places to have so much fun and love the things that they are doing...
i guess in a way it seems that i want people to be more selfish? wouldn't a normal person want their friends to want to spend time with them, instead of being interested in the *places* they were being taken to? am i broken?
i guess i just feel like everything is more fun when everyone is passionate about what they are doing...more excited...kinda like kids saying "yeah!! let's get ice-cream!" and then it's not about "oh, i want to hang out with this kid..." it's about the ice cream, the kids don't care who they are with, they could be by themselves and still LOVE the ice cream. but then when they are together, it's so much better because they love ice cream AND have each other, so they end up having more fun that way....because they share a common interest... and it's not one kid that hates ice cream watching another one eat it...that's no fun that way. it's better when everyone is on the same page...
i wonder why i always seem to end up with friends that don't have the same interests as me...?
summer is pretty much halfway over and it feels like it hasn't even started yet. i haven't even been to the beach yet. the sun doesn't come out enough. all my time runs away. weeks go by in less than a day. i don't have work or school but i still feel stressed. i still feel too busy. i feel like i have too much to do that never gets done. i hate it. i want to be bored. i want to have so much free time that i hate it. but instead, i always just feel stressed and rushed. i guess this is what happens when you get older...time goes by too fast...
floating around
without any direction
whichever way whatever takes me
drifting through life
without any reason
without any purpose
with no destination
like driftwood lost at sea
!!!!! it's the weirdest thing...my internet far away friend heather, (who just got a domain name, yay!), and i having really been talking or writing to each other for awhile because we've been busy, and i just found out that we both bought the exact same digital camera from the same store (walmart) on the same day!! (july 5th) ...how strange is that?!?!
yes, that means i have a new camera...but i haven't even opened it yet, because i don't have enough space on my hard-drive to install the software (175 mb or so) ...and i don't want to delete anything or take anything off my computer, so i'm stuck :(
marcy is the most wonderful friend ever... she bought me the new Cure CD!!!!!!!!!!! she even beat Chris to it...he said that he was going to get it for me the day it came out, but never did. so i guess that i will have to get married to marcy instead :) hahahaha...
last night she was sad because her newest boy hadn't called, and so i had to take her out to cheer her up...we were going to go to coffee, but then Marcy realized that she's 21 now, so we went to a tiki lounge bar place instead, and also walked around downtown a bit and looked in hustler. then we stopped by a couple clubs, and found that "the empty club" has closed down :( and we also found out that dancing at the other gay club is only every 2nd and 4th wednesday. later we ended running up into Gary from scarlet symphony while attempting to drink horrible coffee at lestat's.
whatever happened to boys being more fun than girls? i used to always hang out with boys because they were fun, girls were only good for playing dress up with and pretending to be pyschic with...when i was little the boys would ride their bigwheels down a HUGE hill and almost run into the freeway at the end...and we would go exploring and on adventures...some boys would light things on fire and catch pigeons (i used to be good at catching those , haha) ...and with other boys, when i was 15, i would climb trees, and skateboard, and everyone would hang out *outside* and we would play hide and go seek and climb over walls, and climb up on roofs and all sorts of things.... these days if i see a boy climb on a roof, i'm in love...it's so rare to find a boy like that anymore...in college it's really only been girls that have been any fun... Mia and I used to go on the roofs at ucsd and go exploring the buildings and the neighborhoods by the beach...and we played in hotel elevators and things...Coco took us to sit in a random hotel once ...with Sarah and Marcy everything is an adventure...and Cicely would always go to mexico with me at midnight to dance...or to the beach randomly... and we went rollerskating around hillcrest before, and she was the first person to explore my roof with me...
the only way that boys are ever any fun is for the sake of the girl, to make her happy, or to try to hook up with her if he doesn't really know her that well... but boys seem to have absolutely no sense of adventure anymore ...i think that i need to make friends with some children or something. if life is going to continue being as boring and routine as it is then i really don't want to live anymore. nothing is exciting, nothing is spontanious enough....everyone is getting old...everyone is making me old. being old is no fun. bars are no fun. drinking is no fun. parties are the stupidist, most boring pointless things in the entire world, watching bands is boring. everything that people do is just so stagnent. nobody actually "does" anything, except for sometimes maybe dance...no one bodyboards, no one plays anymore...i think that life should end when you turn 21. things would be happier that way.
so many sweet words written down
i spend awhile to bathe in them
and i get stuck in the sugar coating
i drown in your promises of love
i believe and i wait for you to come through
but you're always just out of my reach
i can almost touch
but i can never taste anything more
than the sweetest shell of your empty promises.
chris and i were such good kids on 4th of july... it was the first 4th of july that i was legally allowed to drink, and i didn't drink at all. :) and it was so nice, chris and i got to be together and watch the fireworks, and we didn't have to go to any lame parties or anything. we went up to san clemente where we used to live to see the fireworks. they were so pretty and close, and it felt so nice to be "home" again ...it was like returning to a time in the past when everything was okay... and it was just me and chris, alone in our own little world like it always used to be...
that was so weird...i was checking my voice mail and thinking "i need to spend a lot more time working on music, so that i can be happy" ...something like that, and then my voice mail was Sarah calling to tell me that her Jeremy is doing an acoustic project and is looking for a singer and asked for me, and she gave me his number...it will be really good if that works out because i really need to do music with someone that is not a boyfriend, because then everything actually goes somewhere that way, because that is the *only* goal...maybe i will just work on music with *everyone* ...if i count everyone, including the people i haven't kept in contact with, i'm supposed to be doing music with at least 5 people. the only problem is that i'm too scared to sing in front of people when the song is not perfected...i need to work on stuff on my own usually... it's really frusterating being as shy/scared or whatever, as i am ... grrr.
it's funny, all it took to get me away from this computer was friends, people, things to do. i hardly ever touch the computer anymore. it's really nice. i hate computers, not as much as i used to, but i still hate them. the only thing that sucks is that i really don't like people very much either. i don't really see the point of people sometimes, the point of anything, and so sometimes i think it's almost better being glued to the computer...to have the space and time to dream that people are so much better than they are...that life is so much better than it is...that life has meaning, that the things we do are for a reason...
i think i would be happier if i could figure out how to stay *in* life and not be so distanced from it. today chris and i were at shiloh's and people came over and everyone talked to each other and i looked at a book instead. sometimes i want to learn about people, hear people, get to know them, but i always stop and think "what's the point?" "why?" ...maybe it could help them, maybe it could help me, maybe we could relate, but what's the point of that? and maybe i will meet someone that can help me get closer to my dreams, but what's the point of that? what is the point of dreams? why try? why care? why accomplish anything in life? (yes, this again)
maybe i would just be better off not thinking. thinking makes me miserable. i need to get caught up in the meaningless things in life. other people go out and meet people and show off and brag, and make themselves look better than they are, and they work and they drink and they have fun. i need to learn how to live in that world...the world.
hehehe....i am at shiloh's and they are having a little after party thing, and here i am all alone in his room playing guitar ....it's so much more fun than talking to people. chris was in here playing guitar and i was singing, but he went to smoke, so i'm left to fend for myself and TRY to play guitar...hehehe...we are the anti-social kids. it's great.
i had so much fun today with my mom...we went on a walk today in the sun with the kitten and i wore my rollerskates. we ended up at balboa park and the cat and i climbed a tree in rollerskates. it was so nice to be with my mom again, just like when i was little...i need to spend more time with her to finish growing up... later i made us and chris smoothies. and now i'm going out back to boring stupid adult life and club 80's and lots of retarded people that are too fucking lame to have fun without alcohol...yay, so exciting. now i'm going to get depressed again, fun.
here, make smoothies:
1/2 cup orange juice
1/2 cup milk
1 small thing of strawberry yogurt
a handful of frozen raspberries
some frozen strawberries
a tray full of ice
a bananna or two
i had soooooooooooooooo much fun tonight, last night, this-morning, whatever it's called...yes, May actually had fun. i don't think i've had that much fun since bodyboarding in san clemente 2 years ago..
after dancing (and stitting :( ...) at a club for Marcy's 21st b-day, we went to the beach and Marcy, Karisma (her best friend), and I all went in the water, and got 100% wet and splashed around and ran and played in the waves while the boys just stayed way way far away on the dry sand and talked (they thought that they were having "fun" ...and didn't understand that they were missing something that was more fun, chris seems to think that all "fun" is equal or something, he's getting even MORE boring lately in ways) ... but yeah, we had sooooooooo much fun ..the water wasn't too cold and the moon was out and lighting up the different layers of clouds that were out and the water was smooth and peaceful with smooth waves...it was just soooo great...
...it's funny how people grow up and spend all their time trying to do stupid things to have fun and then they FORGET what real fun is. there's a reason that children are happy, more than just being naive ... it's because they do things randomly and don't care about getting their clothes dirty, don't care about what people think about them, don't worry about stupid things....it's like the thing that you need to achieve in life is to actually go back to being child-like...
all the people at club 80's every week just go there and see people and talk or drink or whatever and it's so boring and routine...those people have no idea what they are missing...how much fun it is to run into the ocean at night ....or to go to playgrounds and hang upside down ...
...i was thinking about it and pretty much the only way i can have "fun" is by doing something, active ... like walking/exploring, running and climbing on things, rollerskating, boadybording, skateboarding, jet-skiing really fast, dancing....maybe it has something to do with adrenaline or something, i don't know, but i just can't be content unless i'm doing something...
