i just checked my comments to find the most random assortment of people commenting. or at least people with the same names. one comment was from a girl with the same name as jason's ex, it probably wasn't her though, one was the name of this guy that used to stalk me, and one was from my little brother who lives in alaska, also saying that my dad and stepmom said hi...eep! i can't seem to get away from all the "parents" that read my website! i'm aware that this is the internet, but this journal was intented to be somewhat secret...at least from people i know... oh well. at least my grandma doesn't read my website!! ....yet(?).
un-happy 6 year anniversary to me and chris. i would almost say that things could not be worse, but then things could always be worse no matter what, so one can not really say that, ever.
i'll just stick with my theory that this world that we live in is really hell. happiness always seems just within reach, but you never actually get there. like a horse following a carrot on a string until it collapses and dies, never actually ever getting the carrot, but thinking it would all along.
it's really to the point where i've stopped calling people, stopped returning phone calls, stopped answering my phone, stopped returning emails, altogether. sometimes i'll answer the phone for band practice, but rarely do i even feel up to that.
crying about 3 times a day lately. too many problems. really it's only one. that i have no one in the world. there's no one i can trust. no one that won't lie to me, no one that won't betray me. i am all alone. it's really nothing new, but it's so much more intense lately. it's being thrown in my face all over the place. when i was little my saying was "TRUST NO ONE" ...and sometimes i would forget and i would trust someone, and every single time they would betray me. best friends are usually the worst. they steal things, including boyfriends, favorite dresses, and diaries which they rip open and hide under their dresser, not to mention all the other things. can't even trust my own mom, she has betrayed me too. told my secrets and things. i am all alone. what's even worse is that i'm completely surrounded by backstabbers to confide in, to comfort me, and most of the time it's just painful instead of comforting.
so chris is emailing this girl on myspace. ("Tami" ...she's 19 and looks a lot like a man.) and i found my ipod being abused and left on, hurting the battery life and tape adapter cord, while it was left blaring "bright eyes" on our stereo while no one was home for hours. later i find that he was listing to that for her. and then he's emailing her behind my back, keeps changing his passwords and things. even though he knows all mine, even though he checks all my accounts. people only have secret passwords when they have something to hide. the other day he asks me what area code "408" is. i tell him it's san jose area and places. i see tami's phone number in his email. it starts with 408. today chris and i talk and he convinces me that tami is just an internet thing, to boost his confidence, etc. then i see in his cell phone that he's called her and she has called him. just an internet thing? ha! yeah. he gets mad at me for deleting the number off "dialed calls" and says "stay out of my life. and no, it is not OUR life." and we get into the car and there he has MY IPOD in his car!!! grrr. if he wants me to stay out of HIS life, he needs to get his dirty little hands off MY STUFF. he's not allowed to touch my ipod and he even made that rule, and yet he keeps touching it. (anything chris touches gets ruined, he's very careless. even with stuff at shiloh's house. grrr) but yeah, and he helps himself to MY MAKEUP, and MY CLOTHES, and uses MY COMPUTER and MY CAMERA to put his pictures on the internet and use the internet, and i'm even the one that gave him his cell phone and it's under MY name. yet, he is completely ungrateful for anything and just walks all over me, uses my things without permission and even when i tell him NO. my aunt who bought me my computer didn't even want him using it, but he does anyway. he's such a worthless disrespectful person. lately he's been acting so arrogant. he used to be sweet.
but yeah, stupid me, i even bought him new socks and boxers and clothes for his anniversary presents. perfect so that he won't be embarrased in front of this new girl. (his old socks were blackened with mud and dirt from work).
and tonight he said he saw his old friend justin. but i'm starting to learn that people lie. and i'm pretty sure he saw Tami, not justin.
i hate this world, i can't wait until the day i get to die, it's the only thing i have to look forward to.
i wish that i had water i think that i've wished this before in this journal. it's something i always wish. no matter how hard i try to get water, it never works. chris and i buy water from the store, and it ends up being left in his truck. or someone drinks out of the bottle directly and then leaves it open in the sun. or someone drinks it all in a day. so there's never any water, and i'm always too depressed to go buy water, so i just die instead. and you can't drink tap water in san diego because it has rocket fuel in it. some leaked into it i guess.
tonight was the first night ever that i've missed vice versa (except for the two or three times i was out of town). i've always planned everything around going to vice versa every 2nd and 4th friday of the month.
and i waited two weeks for this one, had my hopes up for it, but i was just too hurt and upset to go. i was convincing myself to go anyway, and i called my friend to see if he was going, so that it would be easier for me to go. but then talking to him just made things worse, and i was checking my email at the same time, and everything just fell apart and i started crying as soon as i got off the phone with him.
does anyone else feel like this? so there are some cute little stores by my house...it's not just that they are stores with cool things in them, but more that the outside of the stores are creative and there is shade over them; it's a cute little part of town...
anyways, the thought of just going to buy something from these stores seems kind of normal and ordinary,
but, if i spend an hour doing my hair and makeup and getting dressed perfectly, so that i feel completely ready and dressed and not like a tired person dragged out of bed, the stores become more fun...just walking around becomes fun...like i'm in movie maybe, or something...
dressing up for everything makes everything feel so completely different, and makes everything soooo much better, and soooooo much more fun, even school. to me, it's kind of like every day is halloween that way, and everything i do is like going trick or treating. everything just feels so fun nd exciting.
and when i'm not all dressed up, i just feel ugly and blah and depressed and tired and eh. and sometimes even bored.
does anyone else feel like this at all???????? try dressing up and going somewhere if you have no idea what i'm talking about, and let me know if it feels any better!!... it can be a science project...haha (dressing up = fun crazy outfit, or whatever makes you feel best, maybe)
here's a picture of me and my brother that i just found in my old email account last week. Jenn, his "new mom person" sent it. it was taken a few months ago in oceanside, when i got to see him for the first time in years. (thanks for the pictures, Jenn!) click here for picture
So I looked up time frames.... and it was over 2 MONTHS that shiloh had been lying to me, hiding the truth from me...ever since the beginning of summer!! i spent my entire summer living in a lie!! he didn't even have the decency to tell me that he had "screwed up" and had sex with ex!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! i could have gotten rid of him months ago and had a GOOD summer!! but now it's too late and my summer and time have been wasted, and i didn't get to do anything that i wanted/needed to do really. grrrrrr.
my gay boy friend Rob has the best idea ever...he doesn't date anyone or anything so that his life and emotions don't get fucked with, so no one can drive him crazy or distract him. i think that is the greatest idea ever.
ice cold blue eyes stare up from her lifeless body she's been murdered again nine lives are over and her soul has gone away for good. love was only in a fairytale that was never hers the world was a cold and lonely lie and no one was ever real.
what makes things even worse is that all that time shiloh was lying to me, he could have been less selfish and admitted his mistakes so that i could have left him long again. but no, he had to be selfish, and in the process he made sure to introduce chris to as many girls (to hook up with) as possible. and now there's all this extra time that chris and i have been apart when we should have been together, and now he still wants to go find girls. he wants to be free for awhile. and it's all thanks to gregg and shiloh.
of course, shiloh wasn't ever really chris's friend, i don't think. he was just trying to get chris away from me probably. at the very least, now that i broke up with him, he wants his movies back from chris, the ones that CHRIS borrowed, not me, but it seems like he's getting rid of chris as well...like he was just using chris and not even really friends with him... grrrrrrrrrrrr.
but yeah, my point is, that chris isn't mine now. he wants to be together in the future, but not really right now.
so i am all alone. i have no one.
and the only person left in the world that i'd want to be with is chris. the thought of trusting anyone else seems impossible, the thought of kissing anyone else makes me want to throw up.
a couple more new pictures... a couple i took before tokyo tokyo: tokyo tokyo pictures and a couple of me and chris from curiosa yesterday with linda: curiosa pictures
it was so weird, i ran into so many people at curiosa that i didn't expect to see: linda, selena, gary and aaron from scarlet symphony, jacky, and becky from plasticland. oh and also my friend brian from UCSD. it's so fun to run into people you know at random places.
this is my dad... well, at least who my dad used to be once upon a time, in 1975... click here to see. (no, he's not the squirrel...well, maybe...who knows...)
i always wonder if Mary, Robert Smith's wife cheats on him... there are always songs that seem like she might, but i guess no one will ever know. tonight i heard the song "m" for the first time, and in the background there was a huge red "M" on the screen. i wonder if the "m" stands for mary. and some of the lyrics are:
"You'll fall in love with somebody else Again tonight
Take a step You move in time But it's always back ... The reasons are clear Your face is drawn And ready for the next attack"
and then there's the song "the promise"
to me, it sounds like she's cheated on him a billion times, i think chris would agree. but i guess there's no way to really ever know for sure.
...i always wonder what stories and things are behind lyrics....
Fennel kills fleas much better than normal stuff... read this if your pets have fleas: kill fleas nauturally.... my mom lets our cat out, (which makes it soooooooo much happier than being an indoor cat), but it has fleas now, and none of the store bought stuff ever helps to kill them. today chris and i came home to find "fennel" sprinkled all over the carpet. and now no fleas are attacking my feet, it seems to work sooooooooo much better than anything else.
the good thing about having more than one boyfriend, (or at least a best friend named chris that you pretend is your boyfriend, even though he's more like a friend...) is that it makes you be able to fake being healthy...
healthy people get abused by someone and they leave, healthy people get cheated on ONCE and they leave. or if they're married, they throw the other person out and get a divorce. they do it because they CAN. because they are strong enough to. because they don't absolutely 100% NEED the person that hurt them. they have other people to rely on, like moms and brothers and sisters and family and friends and things. people that will be there for them when they are hurt.
in my case, it always was that when chris hurt me, HE WAS ALL I HAD, IN THE WORLD, and so he would hurt me, but i would have to cry to him, stay with him, because there was no mom, no family, there was nothing. and i was only 16, and i needed to be loved. without chris i had nothing in the world. i didn't have any friends because it was summer and i had just moved, and i didn't have a family because i lived with strangers, in a foster home, and i hadn't seen my mom for a year or so. so when chris hurt me, and when he did things that i should have broken up with him for, i stayed with him. he was all i had to comfort me...
having two boyfriends allows you (well, me at least...) to be normal, and to leave when something hurts you, to go away when someone fucks you over. it makes it easier to run away, and not have to forgive someone for something that you will never ever ever forget or be able to live with or get over. it makes it so that you are not dependent on someone. and that you can get away from situations and people that are bad and hurtful.
chris is the sweetest thing ever!!!!!! he suprised me with a sweet little love letter and tickets to see the cure later today!!! (an early anniversary present)
(i haven't slept for over 24 hours, so um, things might be dyslexic and spelled wrong, etc...)
today is a great day for burning bridges and all sorts of other running jumping fun. wow. what a (bad) night and day i have had!!!! so it started out good, with all my favoritest club friends in a brand new club with great music and my best dancing friend jason.
but then, we talked for along time and it felt like braking up all over again, every repressed feeling resurfaced after 5 months of not being together. so then he told me that he wanted me out of his life, so that his feelings would not get all screwed up again, and i said that was fine if that what was best for him. but then his cell phone got left with me and he had to come back over and we talked more, and then i told him the truth about some things that someone else was not wanting to let me tell him, that he deserved to know, because it concerned his feelings and his life and things. so then he decided that we were all worthless and said he never wanted anything to do with any of us again, which is pretty much the way a lot of us feel about each other. so he stormed off in the most hurt state i've ever seen anyone, throwing his ring that i gave him on the way out.
part 2. another boy: shiloh. so i finally confessed my knowledge of the truth that i have known about the boy i share a so called "real honest relationship" with...for awhile now he slipped and said something about his ex and sex or something, but would never explain. so for at least a month now, i've known that our honest relationship was gone, because he would never tell me anything about what it was he meant. so of course i started to hate him, in the silent way that i hate people sometimes. then a couple weeks ago or so, i find out for a fact that i am right. jason couldn't stand me stupidly going around thinking i had this "real, truthful relationship" when i didn't, and he was like "um, okay, are you talking about the same boy who was fucking his ex girlfriend when you were away in LA and before she went to Europe as well?"
and that just shattered my entire world with him. it's like everything we had was a lie. and he would say he loved me and cared about me, but THAT IS NOT THAT!!! and i got so mad that i just wanted to go slap him and hit him and rip him apart and yell and scream...but i decided to completely repress my anger, something that is very bad to do, just to see if he would ever tell me, and also because that's a hard coversation to have without writing at first...i've NEVER felt so betrayed in my life. not only did he cheat on me 3+ different NEW times, he then hid it from me, in fear of losing me. too stupid to learn that your ACTIONS need to match what you want, not your words and lies. If something is done and unknown, it still hurts the person just as much as it being known, actually even WORSE. because they go on living a lie, believing their life is happy and fine...when really everyone around them knows the truth. oh how jason and bianca must have had a ball laughing at me behind my back, knowing that she was sleeping with my "boyfriend" as he said he was, and how i told jason that i needed to be faithful because i had a "real relationship" and that kissing wasn't allowed. how stupid and naive i must have looked to them. how stupid i was for trusting shiloh. i knew that bianca slept over a few times, but i believed him when he said he slept on the couch, and i believed him when he said she slept in his bed with him and nothing happened. AND THE WORST THING ABOUT IT ALL, was that i NEVER DOUBTED HIM, never suspected a thing, until he slipped and said something. and even then, i just figured it was a past thing, not current...but when i found out the TRUTH, and how RECENT things were, i was just so completely shattered. i've never ever felt SO betrayed in my life. lied to. decieved. and to think that i wasted my entire summer for that jerk. and to think that i even had talked to chris about breaking up with him forever to be with shiloh, to think that i let myself think such a thought and care so much for sucj a FUCKING ASSHOLE!! and yeah, he says he wants me and loves me, but what the hell does that mean with NO actions to back it up?!?! it's all SO SELFISH.
HAHA. life is so great!
so finally today he said (typed) that he didn't like me hanging out with jason, (which i started to do when shiloh didn't want to tell me about the sex thing with his ex, because i figured we no longer had an honest relationship, so oh well, that, and i was also planning on breaking up with him, just never could do actually do it...) anyways he said didn't get a good feeling about me and jason hanging out, (this "feeling" was because of the email of jason's he read addressed to B.) and i said to him "oh you mean like you and your ex?...you mean like having sex with her behind my back?" (and i said some other things i found out too, but i will not repeat them to respect Bianca) and so the second brigde was burned. and we have that conversation.
so for the record. as much as he "meant well" and "is usually a good person" and as much as he "loved me" and "cared about me" shiloh is the STUPIDEST JERK IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND I HATE HIM, and i hope that someone rips out his heart and stomps on it like he did to me, so that he can see what it feels like to be betrayed, so that maybe in his next relationship he won't cheat on his girlfriend who is being as good as gold and staying away from other boys out of respect to him.
i guess on a positive note, i have learned a lot from him. i have learned how i DO NOT EVER WISH TO TREAT ANYONE EVER. how to really really really love another person the right way...i see everything in such a new way now. as most unselfish as possible, at least when it comes to hurting and not hurting people.
the end.
so now there is only chris. and i like things that way. he is the best person in the world, despite the things that drive me crazy about him. i've learned that no one will ever be perfect for me, so i need to stay with the person that i love and accept him how he is, good and bad and not hope for him to change. he's always felt like my soulmate, he's always been perfect for me personality-wise, and he is the only boy that can really make me laugh(/happy). almost every other laugh of mine is fake. i don't know when i started to pretend to laugh, it was just this year, but i wonder how and why it started and what i used to do before instead of pretending to laugh....
draft (these poems were written a week or two ago)
the murdered soul did fly those murmured words did die in 15 seconds the world was shattered in 15 seconds nothing mattered.
love was a selfish word, a needy lie it's your kind of love that made me die in 15 seconds my heart was tattered in 15 seconds my trust, again, was battered.
NEW SONG!!! so here is what i've been working on with my new band...just very rough draft as usual...i don't really like the way i sing the "chorus" part...but i really don't know what else goes with that part of the music...i wrote the lyrics in February, about my mom. in this version, one of the lines has been taken out..."i understand her somehow" ...so that the verses wouldn't be too different in length...i kinda think it doesn't make as much sense without that line, but oh well. anyway, here: download/listen to tangled up [wav] | view lyrics
new pictures and new song coming soon... i finally got a little tiny bit of time to myself, so there now exists another draft song thing and some pictures of my black hair FINALLY. yes, i FINALLY actually opened my "new" camera!! (that i got on July 5th...) now i just need to find time to re-size the pictures (and find the ones where i don't look 10000% terrible) and i also need to find the version of the song where my voice is out of tune the least number of times...haha xoxox
in other complaints, chris's car registration($100) is due in about a week, and he needs insurance($300+ deposit) and a smog check($100??) to get that, and he hasn't gotten either. on top on that, our 6 year anniversary is on the 30th and rent($800) is due pretty much the next day. not to mention that our cell phone bill($109) isn't paid yet and chris owes $250+ to the irs (for taxes of course), and we just had to pay for a speeding ticket($250+) and fixing the car AGAIN ($240)...and so if owing a million dollars to everyone wasn't bad enough, we don't really have any money. food would be nice to have also. grrr. why does life have to be SO stressing?!?!?!
oh and our apartment's hot water heater stopped working, so i had to shave my legs with cold water (and no shaving cream), and i also tried to take a very shallow bath filled up with pans of boiling water. it didn't really work to well. i'm still cold.
the bone in my ankle is broken, or something really strange feeling and it hurts and it's been this way for almost a month, ever since my cousin's skateboard hit it...and i really need to make a doctor's appointment, but i'm never home or something's always wrong, and i can never call. i'm so worried that the bone in my ankle will NEVER go back to normal, and what if it never stops hurting??!?! i'm so panicking about this to the point where i can barely even write about it, because i don't want to think about it! ahhhhhhhhh! :(
soooo, my school requires the most unique passwords EVER to log into something. i'm not entirely sure what that something is, because i rarely log into it, but when i do try, i can NEVER remember my password and have to change it each time. i am SO SICK of changing my password! i always write it down somewhere, but never can seem to find WHERE i wrote it down.
something like "cat99sox" would NOT work as a password. it's not complex enough, it tells you. it needs to have uppercase and lowercase characters. and a number. and a character that's not either (like "*" or so)... and it won't let you use anything to do with your name, or anything that's a word... something like that. so it ends up that your password is SO complex that without using it often, YOU can't even remember it! the original assigned password was something like "j*4rkhNj932%" ...even worse than that i think ...
p.s. i replied to some comments, finally. today's the first time i've been home in days and days and days, for the mostpart. my boyfriend tends to hold me hostage, and no one has paid the ransom...Chris is too poor to pay it...haha...Shi's been holding me hostage for about 5 months now. he knows that the more time i spend with him, the less his name will be all over the internet. hahaha. but yeah, my point is, i don't answer comments because i'm not even on the computer anymore really. it was easy to answer them when i was home 24/7. but now i have this thing called a life which is ENTIRELY over-rated, so i don't have time to spend 4 hours a day answering comments and 8 hours a day answering emails. (yes, i type slow. hehe) ...but yeah, i don't purposely not respond. hey, at least i read my comments!! sometimes....(just kidding.)
so on the other side of the world, the one where pop stars and TV are HATED by people, it's an insult to be told that you look like ashlee (ashley?) simpson, or paris hilton, or any other mindless creature of that sort.
there's another sort of people that value intelligence over beauty, and so to be compared with someone who is only about as deep as a puddle is bad. and that's how it works children.
personally, as kinda stated in the last post, i hate both types of people. brittney spears and girls that are loud and blonde-ish and so drunk that they are hanging all over boys at bars are REALLY annoying.
at the same time, the close-mindedness of the people that hate EVERYTHING about those type of people is just as bad. the hatefulness of these people will drag you down into the worst stale depression ever...
the best place to be would be somewhere in the middle, not overly annoying and stupid, and not overly elitest and judgemental...i think that's why candy kids used to appeal to me (NO, not the ones that do drugs).
as happy and bright as they appeared to be, they were all really just lost and depressed, but trying to make the best of the things that they had.
in the end it turned out that they were backstabbers just like the rest of people, so really, i give up. i think that someone should steal some bombs and just blow up the entire human race. we all suck so much that it would be better if we just did not exist at all. anyone agree? haha
people think that online names like "__________ barbie" are stupid. obviously because it's a name chosen out of shallowness or naive-ness. (yes, that's word. hehe) but if you think about it, names like "queen of pain" and things are just as lame. it's saying "look at me, poor me, oh i'm in so much pain. probably because my boyfriend hurt me, or no one understands me, blah, blah, blah, look how deep i am..."
it's like, SHUT UP, get over it! everyone feels pain, everyone feels those ways. you have to learn to live with pain. you have to learn that it will always be there, you have to go on with life normally. kinda like how i was in foster homes for 7 years and that was more pain than anything, not having my mom, or my family. living with strangers and mean kids and things, and i had NO ONE to talk to, NO ONE that understood, i didn't even have the internet! and just soooo many things were bad then, i wanted to die, everything was horrible ...yet you didn't seem me dressing in all black saying "poor me, poor me, i'm in so much pain" and things... you just have to go on with life and keep trying to live...even if you're dead...
there is no safe place anywhere. reality is pain. truth is pain. there's no where to hide. sometimes if you close your eyes it helps, if you don't pay attention...then you can hope to miss the painful things; not see reality...but that's really the only way to stay alive. to be misinformed, to go on living a lie...because some people are too selfish to stop hurting you...i don't know.
honesty is the most important thing ever in a relationship because a relationship built on lies and secrets is like a house built on a bad foundation, (or something like that). when one person in the relationship finds out things that the other person has hidden, their entire world is shattered, because they find that they had been living a lie.
it's better to be honest about things that might hurt someone else instead of hiding them, because when when the other person *does* find out, it will be a much much much worse hurt. AND it's also lying on top of whatever it is you're hiding from them. so not only did you hurt the other person, but you betrayed them as well.
"what if they aren't going to ever find out?!" you ask. "they won't ever know. ever!" you say. "what then? huh?!" well, even if they don't find out, you are still keeping something from the other person, still hiding something, still being deceitful, still living a lie, still causing the other person to be living in a lie, even if they don't know they are. and if you really love and care about the person, you should have enough respect for them to be honest with them...to let them know the truth, to let them know how you really are.
and maybe you're scared that if they knew the truth, they'd go away, and leave you. so you keep them there by lying to them, by hiding the truth... how is that fair to the other person? maybe they SHOULD go away. maybe they need to know the truth so that they can make descions based on real facts, instead of lies...
and that is your lesson today children. this is for all the stupid stupid stupid boys that always try to kiss me and when i say "no" because "i have a boyfriend" they say "but who's gonna know?" "he won't find out" and things like that...that is such a lame stupid way of thinking!! i always say "he will find out, i'll tell him!! so there!" seriously, if you're going to be in a relationship, you have to be unselfish and refrain from certain things in order to not hurt the other person, and to RESPECT the other person. it's this whole level of thinking that is past what seems natural, that no one seems to understand for some reason... if you are going to hook up with other people and be selfish then you shouldn't be in a relationship!! you should be single! or in an open relationship, or some kind of relationship where that's allowed... grrrrrrr. and this is why boys are lame! always trying to get you to betray your boyfriend... grrrr! BOYS SUCK!
new email address may [AT] maystardesigns [dot] com is no more. any mail you send to that address will never be seen by anyone. if you need to email me, use the contact form instead...
these flowers will never die... so i always used to hang all the flowers i got upside down and dry them and keep them...hang on to them for years and years and years, because they were special, because they were from people (ok, so maybe they were ALL from chris, but yeah...hehe), they meant something, i wanted to save them...
after dragging them from house to house to house as i moved, i got sick of rose petals (that were so faded they were almost yellow,) falling all over the ground, so i finally threw them away. And when i started getting flowers again (this year), i started to put them in vases, and let them live for once...
and i've decided that if you expect a relationship to die, then you should dry the flowers, so that when the boy (or girl?) is gone, you will have something to remember them by...perserve the memories. but if you expect your relationship to last, you should put your flowers in water and let them bloom and things. because there will be more flowers later, because they should live instead of being frozen in time...
something like that. it made more sense in my head.
Time slips away And the light begins to fade Andverything is quiet now Feeling is gone And the picture disappears And everything is cold now The dream had to end The wish never came true And the girl starts to sing Seventeen seconds A measure of life Seventeen seconds
why do you have/keep a blog?says heather. ummm...because...well...i'm not quite sure. a little over 2 years ago, i found out that blogs were free, that anyone could have one, that anyone could have a website with out paying... i didn't really know anything about the internet at that time...but yeah, so i got a blog because that was a way to have a free website. and i wrote because you were supposed to write. then it became that i had an audience of sorts, and so i wrote to be heard, maybe to be cared about in a way...that someone was actually listening to me for once. and then i wrote to put my thoughts down. to keep them. and then i wrote to try to change the way people think about certain things... and then i wrote more and more so that people wouldn't go away...so that when ireally did have something to say, someone would be there to read it...so i would write even when i didn't have anything to say... and this was a poem i wrote at one time or another:
site updates
cheap words to fill the space i can't even see your face talk, to keep my place
it's a stupid game you hardly know my name but life can never be the same
i don't think i'm too too concerned with being heard anymore, and yet still i write (but not as much because i'm never home). so why do i still write now? i don't really know...i know that one reason is because i hate repeating myself and sometimes i just feel too worn out to really say anything, so i can write things here, and all my friends can read them, and i don't have to actually ever say anything...and then it's also easier for me to write than to talk... i can't put things into words when i talk...i need endless sentances of writing to try to perfectly describe things...and then i kinda feel like i have to keep writing because there are people reading, people waiting for me to write things sometimes...and it almost feels like i *have to* keep writing...i dunno, it's strange. and then another thing is that this journal is a part of me that most people don't get to see in real life... thoughts that i don't say, or can't say ... without this journal, in some ways, i wouldn't exist. i only exist "on paper" i suppose...i don't know. i guess that writing just seems to make life a little less pointless... not so full of just pointless stupid things like TV and pop stars. something like that.
everyone be proud of me, i actually SANG at band practice this time. imagine that. the singer actually singing at band practice. what an odd thing, right? haha... no but seriously, i am so shy and such a perfectionist that i have sooooooooooooooooooooo much trouble singing in front of people unprepared. if i have a song perfected and know what i'm doing, then it's no problem to sing in front of people (well sometimes), but if not, then i just freeze up and can't sing at all. but yeah, so today me and my guitarist made a song. it's still rough draft, but at least i sang at all.
i went on the best adventure in forever yesterday... (of course, i was stressed out the whole time because i was supposed to call someone back, but other than that, it was so much fun.) jason and i went to the last 15 minutes of faction 6, but didn't dance because the music was kinda lame. then we decided to go on an adventure...we just started driving and ended up deciding that our adventure would have to take place in downtown, because downtown san diego is really good for wandering in...we joked about sneaking into the stadium, but ended up wandering into a nice hotel instead (the Omni) because it had a bridge connected to the stadium. we tried to casually walk in, as though we belonged there...all the while terrified that someone would ask us what we were doing or kick us out. we got in the elevator and went to the forth floor to find the bridge...before going towards the bridge, we decided that we should explore the other side of the 4th floor first. we found and snuck into an empty meeting room that was left cracked open. it was soooo fun. we ran around the room and jason hid in the curtains and i stood in the window sill. then we rolled across the floor as though we were rolling down a hill, and all sorts of things. when we got bored with the room and were convinced that someone was going to come and find us, we each took a cocktail glass from the counter and went off the find the brigde. on our way we found a drinking fountain and filled our glasses up with water. we went off like rich people with champagne to examine another huge ball room type area. then we snuck into another big room. it was golden yellow and the lights were on for some reason. there were chairs and tables all set up with paper and pens and mints, ready for someone to give a speach at the podium on the stage. jason went up and made a pretend speah...i went up after him and said "this is how may gives a speech" and i went and hid under the table that was on the stage. jason woudn't let me steal any of the mints from the room because he didn't want any one to get fired, which was a really good point that i couldn't argue with. then we went and found a balcony and talked there for awhile, making up stories and things...and we watched a train parking or something...it went forward and then backwards... a man had to get out of the train to change the direction of the tracks/train...we watched this for forever. then we went up the escalator and found a dining room type thing and a patio and the pool...jason found us straws and napkins for our drinks... we looked at paintings and continued wandering around opening all the doors we could find...then we finally went to the bridge and came very close to sneaking into the stadium...it would have been so easy...but jason was a little afraid of heights and i was a little afraid of going to jail and we were both tired, so we decided to come back another day. we went to the top floor of the hotel and looked out a window and then decided it was time to go... we walked nervously out of the elevator, calmly walking out the hotel door, but running in our heads. we strolled out with our fake alcohlic drinks as though everything was normal. like it wasn't 4am and like we weren't stealing hotel glasses. before leaving, we walked over a fountain, the kind that shoots out of the ground, but it wasn't on, so we didn't get wet. then we sat in the car and talked and listened to the unicorns. then we got to eat! yay! at del taco... breakfast burritoes...the only food i've had to eat in two days, aside from the apple that my guitarist gave me.
i am seriously losing my mind, or something. i was once the most responsible organized person ever, and over the past year i have completely deteriorated. at first, it was kinda like "lightening up" ...it was because i thought it would make me happier to be more like other people, and not always be overly responsible and a perfectionist... but all it has done is make me a worse person AND still as stressed out over the same things. plus, there are new things to stress out about.
at the moment, i have no idea where my eyeliner or powder is, no idea what the next thing i was going to write was, no idea where my favorite bracelets are...and someone has gotten into my purse and i'm not even sure if there's money missing from it or not... i am really just losing my mind. i NEED things to be organized, i can't live like this ...i can't live having emails un-answered and letters that i can't answer because i can't find... and i can't stand not having food in the house because i'm never home to go to the store ... and i can't stand not knowing if i have money in my bank account or not ... i haven't had time to balance my checkbook in weeks. and it's not even about having "time" to do things. i need the time to do them and also enough time to be alone and straighten out my head so that i can figure out what needs to be done....
oh i am so going crazy! and here i am, trying to go out dancing, when i should be spending time alone... although, without dancing, i wouldn't be able to focus on other stuff...it's all so just "ahhhhh" grrrrrr
i'm feeling such a horrible emotion lately...i feel like i'm being tortured in a way, and yet, nothing is really too terribly wrong. like it feels like i'm in this state of "blah"... i mean, actually everything is so so wrong, but it's being ignored...and i haven't really been out of the house for weeks now...and i'm dying to get out, to go somewhere, but i am dying to be away from people at the same time. i sooooo badly need time to get my life back together... to write in my blog every day like i used to, to call people back, to buy shaving cream (haha), to have time to be all alone, completely alone. i need to be alone...i feel like i am going crazy...it feels like i can't breathe... like the walls are murmuring endlessly while closing in on me...and yet at the same time there's this stillness hovering around, like silence. horrible silence that's painful to your ears, that makes you want to scream.... i guess i feel like i'm drowning in normalness. life has stopped and i continue to go on, kinda, but there isn't any life in anything. no sparks. i am alive, but not living at all. everything is standing still and i'm needing so badly to go forward, but i'm stuck in this painfull stillness. uncomfortable stillness. stillness, and yet i don't have time for myself, or room to breathe... there are always people there. everywhere. closing in on me with the walls. i'm even at the point where i can't even bare to check my voicemail...everything just feels so horrible...i need so many things and all i'm getting is the opposite...i'm going insane!!
WHY??? why do you read blogs? why do you read this blog? why do you keep coming back? what is it that makes you want to read more? why do you care? do you care? or is it cheap entertainment, like a story or tv show? do you want there to be a happy ending someday? is it supposed to end? what is the point? and some people say they are inspired. inspired how? to do what? to be how? i am stuck in "no where". i am nothing. i will become nothing. so how can that inspire anything? and if someone is inspired, then they will be more than me. they will be better than me...
how do these things work? explain yourselves, blog readers.
i think that while chris is sleeping one day, i will put knives through his arms. so that hopefully he will never be able to work again. so that he can be homeless and dirty and hopefully suffer. and i will leave him and be all alone in the world, with the absolute nothingness that i have left of myself, thanks to all the time and money and things that i have invested into boys instead of myself.
he writes "...all these things torture me everyday. the thought that the meaning of these could go away scares me. i want you and i want us. i want the life behind these words. i want to experience this life with you and add more magic everyday" ....
...THEN, he goes away to LA for the weekend, because my friends invited him and NOT me, because they only got to invite one person, and well chris is just the coolest little idiot alive and may is depressed and hates how dumb this world is, so no one wants to hang out with may. So yeah, and then he meets this girl, who is so HOT, like a pornstar he tells her, and he emails her about how the memories he has of her are so great, playing and flirting in the pool, blah, blah, blah. she's so beautiful. OH THAT IS ALL THAT FUCKING MATTERS IN LIFE, she's beautiful and dumb and flirty. that makes her just oh so perfect for chris to fall in love with.
forget all about "experencing life with may" ....
he just meets one girl and then he is all into the memories he spent with her and whatever. FUCK MAY, doesn't matter that she's at home crying all day. because chris is out having FUN with his new love! yay! that's sure a great way of experiencing life WITH may! YEAH!
oh yeah, and even after i grab a handfull of my old, old, old family pictures and crumble/ kinda rip them, and scream and cry and go into the bathtub with clothes on, and cause my curtains to be broken, he STILL emails her. doesn't matter that he's hurting me. he wants to hurt me all he can and then expects me to be there when he's done. after he's killed me, after there's even less than nothing left of me. he expects me to stick around through that and then still want to marry him. he says he gets kinds hurt because of my other boyfriend, yet if i brake up with my sweet other boyfriend for chris, chris says he's still going to hook up with chicks if he wants to. so even if i try not to hurt him, he's still going to hurt me. isn't that great?
i HATE boys. i hope they all die. i want to smash all their heads in with axes. maybe if i kill enough boys they will give me the death penalty and i will happily DIE at last. away from this stupid, horrible, selfish, ugly, dumb, un-romantic, cheesy, fake, mean, two-faced world. i hate this world. i hate people. i hate everything. i want to go away from here.
i'm really starting to re-think the whole idea of chris. i think that maybe he's not really a good person at all. i think that he's not really my friend. he's too selfish sometimes. that kind of selfish that hurts other people. he's hurt me so much this last week with the stupidest little meaningless things (on top of being really really really mean at one point). he was always the best person in the world, and without him being good, there is no one good in the world. which makes me want to die. it makes me feel heavy and want to fall through the floor.
i wish that i could have a boyfriend that was mine. i have 2 half boyfriends, but no full boyfriends. there's always another girl haunting me, where ever i turn. there's no where safe. there's no little magic world with only two people in it to cuddle up in. there is only this horrible cold depressing place filled with fragments of other girls. including girls who flaunt and tease and flirt to make everyone want them, hurting everyone else for their own selfish pleasure. taking the minds of all the boys so that no other girl can have a full boy. grrrrrrr.
what to write, what to write? i'm absolutley SICK of hearing myself complain. haha. that's why i've stopped complaining here, for the most part. sick of the same things over and over.
mother is still stressing me out. and chris with money. and unpaid bills, and on and on and on, but i haven't said anything because it has just become normal and i tolerate it. you learn to live with bad things and love people even though you hate them. (not really "hate" ...but that's the way i talk...) everything is far far far from perfect, but i have a feeling that's all life can ever be.
but yeah. so what should i write about??? i feel like it's dumb to write about clubs and music and things...and stupid to write what i did each day... and i don't really have anyone inspiring me to come up with new ideas very often... so what should i write??
what do you people like to read? because at this point, i think that i write for other people to read and not for me very much anymore....it's not always like that though, just lately i'm stuck, (either that or i'm not home). and i don't want to write things that will just bore everyone if i'm not even writing them for me... so tell me what i should write about....what do you like reading about?
girls want diamonds and cars and clothes from boys, BUT... it's not because they want the things, it's because they wanted to be showed that they are loved. they want things from the boy they love and not just from any boy.
for example, a diamond from a random boy wouldn't mean anything. it would be pretty, kind of nice to have, but it would feel like nothing. i know this because i have a diamond ring. i bought it myself. it was supposed to be my engagement ring, and chris was supposed to pay me back for it (that way he wouldn't have to make payments to the store). anyway, he never paid me back and it eventually came to the point where the ring lost all meaning. if he wants to marry me, he has to buy me a ring on his own. i want to SELL the one i have. anyone want to buy it, please?! diamond ring owned by Maystar....you know you want it!! $2,000, please buy it!... lol.... but anyway, i treat this ring like it's one of my plastic rings. i ignore it, i don't wear it, don't really like it. it is worthless to me. it's worthless because it doesn't mean anything. i like the cheap $35 silver star rings chris bought me much better. they *mean* something.
but that's not what i was trying to say....so as you know, most girls want expensive engagement rings. and some people wonder why the price should matter if it's "love" ... well, first of all, the price isn't the most important thing. it's usually that they only ring the girl wants is expensive, but that's not her fault. that's the jewler's fault. they always charge a lot for the pretty ones. that's one reason price ends up mattering. talking with other girls, the reason why getting an expensive ring is important is because THAT is how much the boy loves you. however much is willing to sacrafice for you. i think that this make tons of sense. if someone only buys you a $100 engagement ring, you think, "this was easy for him to buy. he could be engaged to a new girl every week at this price" ...it's like you are not worth saving for. not worth struggling for. not worthing sacrificing for.
but yeah, so on to other things... Girls want to be taken out shopping and they all wish that someone would buy them a car and take care of them and blah blah blah. but what they really want is for the person they love to treat them like that. not just anyone. it's not about the things really, it's about being cared about and loved. a few boys have offered to take care of me, to buy me a car, to treat me the way that girls should be treated, but i don't want that. i don't want a new boy that will give me everything i want and take me on dates and actually spend money on me. i don't want a boy to take me away and buy me a car and things. i wouldn't be happy that way. of course i want a car, but having the things i want without the people i want would make me depressed and un-happy. if a boy took me shopping, i would just feel bad. i wouldn't want to let them. that would be taking their love, in ways, and i don't want to take from someone that i don't love. it's actually hard to take from people you do love as well, but it's just even worse if you don't love the person that's offering you things.
i think that i may have lost my point somewhere, but basically all i was trying to say is that as much as girls want to be spoiled, they really only want to be spoiled by specific people. because things from other people mean nothing without love behind them.
