"Failure teaches us that life is but a draft, a long rehearsal for a show that will never play." - from the film Amelie, (which i FINALLY got to finish watching today, a year or two later).
i have no idea what i want. actually, i do. it just doesn't seem to exist anymore, so i drift from place to place, broken, and braking everything around me as well, or so it seems.
i want magic. i want the world that Amelie lives in, but even better. the world i used to have...
i want pretty colors like a movie and nice people and love and magic and candles and fun. i want what chris and i used to have, (with anyone), but it is gone gone gone! dead! and so am i.
i want love letters and moonlight and i want to laugh and laugh and laugh like chris used to make me laugh.
So i wrote this whole post about introducing yourselves and etc, but it was lost, off into cyberspace! grrrr! what a waste of time!!! but yeah. introduce yourselves. all i see are these names that say things in the comments. who are you? what do you like? how old are you? what are your life stories?
i think it would be cool to give each commenter their own page on my site, with a profile and stuff, that would be linked to their names, but obvoiusly, i don't have the time for that, nor would i feel like coding that all out by hand! i can't even keep my uniquists site updated! i haven't touched it for about 6 months!! i have like 40 profiles in my email inbox, waited to be added. someone that knows php should come and set it up so that i don't have to code in the profiles by hand! i actually had a few friends that would have taught me php so that i could have done that myself, but i just didn't have time to learn :(
ok, but yeah, go introduce yourselves (in the comment box!)...
in response to the commenter who still didn't leave her(?) name, the reason people give me money, (which they rarely do) and the reason i have a "donate" page and stuff is because i DO work for that money!!!!!!!!!!! i have spent sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much time helping people with code, coding templates for free, and blah blah blah, you have NO IDEA!!!! i had no life AT ALL! for a year straight + more, because i spent ALL that time coding templates FOR FREE! and helping people...answering 2,000 emails of QUESTIONS about html and images and things. I would spend 8 hours a day just answering emails, and looking up information for people! WITHOUT PAY!!!
I'm not just some jobless college student asking for money without doing anything for it!!! I worked so incredibly HARD for OTHER people to have templates that THEY would like, that THEY would use. for THEM. not for me. not for me at all!! i've never used my templates or had any desire to do so! i wanted people to be able to have designs that they would like, instead of the blah professional adult-bussiness-like templates they had on blogskins. That was ALL they had on blogskins at the time!
and what did i get out of designing templates for FREE for people?!? and for answering their emails?!?! for staying awake and on the computer for 48 hours straight trying to finish a design or answer emails? NOTHING. i gave and gave and gave, but people always wanted more and more and more, until the point where i just COULDN't answer another HTML question!!!
a smart person (unlike me!!!) would have never designed 70+ templates for FREE, especially when they hated doing it. a smart person would have started a company and made money off of people, charging them for their services. i did a tiny bit of that, but by that time, i had helped SOOOOOOOOOO many people for FREE, that i just couldn't stand to do anymore webdesign, AT ALL!!! And i STILL undercharged people!!! I would work 100 hours on something and get paid $100. Because I felt too bad to charge anymore than that. Because it SUCKS to have to pay for webstuff, for stuff that you can't even touch!!!
so yeah, i think that is perfectly fine for me to have a donate page/thing on my website!!! i give away free templates that I SLAVED AWAY TO MAKE!!! Any money that people have given me, i DID earn!!! the whole point of the donate page is that if people take a template from me, and they appricate it, they could give me a tiny bit of money if they want to. Of course, they don't have to, and they usually don't, but in a perfect world, everyone would give me like $5, and then i wouldn't feel like i worked soooooo hard for nothing. but whatever. I'm sure that i will continue helping people for free my entire life and never get anything in return. I can't believe that i would get criticized for having a donate page!!!! GRRRR!!!! *bitterness* Maybe i should just make it that all my templates cost money to use. maybe they shouldn't be free! maybe then if just like 10 people bought them for $20 each, i would make more money then with all the donations i've ever received in my life!!!
it's a new saying... "he's not worth my 10 cents."
it's what you say when you don't want to text message someone back, because if you don't have text messages included in your cell phone plan (with AT&T at least), texting someone costs 10 cents. which isn't really that much money to spend on someone, but it can add up really fast if you text message people too much. (and you are all ready paying so much just to have a cell phone!)...so yeah, you have to carefully choose which messages to respond to, and some people just aren't worth spending 10 cents on. not really, but it's fun to say. me and marcy say it when deciding whether to text message boys back or not. some boys are only worth calling ;)
whoever "loveishell" is, in the comments, you made me laugh :) thanks for your 3 comments. they were great.
and thanks to everyone else for their comments as well!!!!!!! except for those of you that leave mean comments, "no thank you" for those.
I'm "not that cute," you say?... you think i don't already KNOW that?! thanks for rubbing it in! you sure are a nice person!!! thanks! you made my day for sure! how would YOU like it if someone you didn't know came up to YOU and said that?!?! what a great first impression i have of you!
...oh and if you guys insist on leaving me mean comments, at least be brave enough to put your REAL name and REAL email address, instead of leaving random anonymous hateful comments like some immature stupid child...although, i wouldn't be surprised if you *are* children (yes, age 13-17 count as children...)
this is what always makes me sad. or one of the things. yes, i know i'm not a starving child in china, but i'm still allowed to FEEL, aren't i???!?! this is MY journal. this is WHERE i complain, since i don't spend my days moping around. these are MY thoughts.
alone, alone. no matter what you do, you will always be alone. alone inside your own head, alone with your memories. no one will ever be able to see things exactly the way that you do. it's such a horrible feeling, to know that you are alone, to know that you will always be alone, no matter what. and that there's no one you can really trust. this is life. that's all life really is. and that's why i don't want to live.
every time chris is mean to me, and/or i feel unloved by him, it's the end of the world. this is because he is the best person in the world, or at least used to be. and to this day i still haven't ever found anyone better than him, or more loyal than him, or more innocent...so when he is mean, and when it doesn't feel like he loves me, my world falls down, because it means that all that's left in the world is a sea full of faces who will betray me, misunderstand me, hurt me, be shallow, and so on.
the first time i went to san diego, i was in a group home, "boys town," one of the worst places a child can live in. kinda like being in the military. the worst psychological abuse ever. they even took away your freedom of speech there, not to mention so many other things...but yeah, so with this group home, i visted san diego for the first time, when i was 16. we stayed in the hilton hotel near seaworld. i remember writing a letter to chris on hotel stationary. i remember sneaking out of our hotel room at night with the other girls and going exploring. our only moment of freedom in years.
but yeah, we were driving by that hotel today, and i was already crying, wanting to die, and i remembered the girl i used to be, and i thought to myself "look at me now, look what i've become" ...ugly unbrushed tangled damaged black hair, strectch marks, gained weight, ugly, no make up, pajama-sweat pant type things (for dance class), scared skin, etc... (of course, by pictures, you people reading have no idea what i'm talking about. i've succesfully tricked you all into thinking that i don't look so bad, and i refuse to be anything else to you, because that is all i have left in this world. fake beauty. fake meaning that it doesn't even exist. only in some people's minds, and maybe some pictures.) but yeah. i have fallen apart in every way possible. deteriorated outside and inside. at least i don't do drugs, at least i'm still in college, for whatever that's worth, but that's really all i have left of me.
now i am like a bitter mangled cat. hurt and destroyed. can't be nice anymore. not good anymore. not innocent anymore. everything was taken from me, and what wasn't taken slowly disintegrated because of the things that were taken.
(em>why can't anyone ever just agree with me and say "that's awful." and really feel it, and really care, and really understand? No. you don't know what i was just talking about. unless you are a really good detective. [ didn't say anywhere on this page what that comment was refering to.])
on the freeway i was thinking about just taking off my seatbelt, and opening the door and just rolling out of the car, onto the street, into traffic. but i didn't think the cars were going fast enough to kill me. and my religion says that you go to hell if you kill yourself (probably because killing yourself is extremely selfish), and hell is supposed to be much worse than this place, so i couldn't do it. i'm too smart to risk going somewhere worse than here. and then i felt mad, and i was sad, and i felt trapped, so TRAPPED, and almost stomped my feet like a child. "why, why do i have to live in this world?!?! i don't want to be here! it's pointless!!!" i thought. and closed my eyes and i wished as hard as i could that i would just disappear. but it didn't work.
oral presentations are still hard for actors...(at least for me) from an email i wrote to my friend: believe it or not, i am very shy. i've been learning how not to be shy, kind of, so i'm like half shy, and half not. (around some people i am 100% shy still, which really sucks!!) but yeah, acting is way different than oral presentations, because when you are acting, you are not yourself, and therefore, YOU cannot say anything stupid, wrong, or dumb. your CHARACTER can, but it's not YOU, it's not your words, it's not your responsibility. you are forced to say the words that you say, and so it's not as hard as saying your own words or thoughts. basically it's just that no one can judge YOU when you're acting but they can when it's anything else.
yay, i get to be stuck at school today until 9pm! (i have a 3 hour night class)...i don't know what i will ever do if i have a midterm on a tuesday, i won't have any time to study for it!!
this quarter i'm taking 22 units, which is 6 classes. (most people take 12 units/3 classes) ...so I'm going to have more homework than ever before...yay.
every boy i've ever really dated has had good taste in music. that's probably one of the most important things in the world, because you can relate and sometimes communicate through music....
i get into these moods that can last for months where i don't really feel anything. or not much, at least. i don't miss people, and i just don't feel. i don't know how to explain it, but it really sucks. it's good for times like these though. helps me focus on school without being all crazy hurt over things and stuff. i don't feel like "reaching out" to anyone, i don't feel emotionally connected to anyone. i don't feel like talking about emotions. i don't feel emotions. i don't feel like talking. i don't feel like confiding in anyone. it feels like i have no problems, even if i do. i'm not excited to talk to people that i haven't heard from in months. i just can't feel those emotions. it's weird. i wonder how long this emotionlessness of mine will last....?
i am not quite there i can barely remember that place only that it contained more emotion and another face.
and every day was like that then every moment worth a thousand words and a thousand memories filled up every second.
i am not quite there with you but i am not really anywhere else i try to move but i stay suspended in space between worlds away from human emotion always acting not reacting it's not safe to feel.
i find myself sacrificing for nothing in search of something sacred and special something that is just ours searching for someone that is just mine chasing after rainbows that never end losing anything that i already had.
one day it's someone to understand and when no one does it's less than that a pretty rainbow filled with air and maybe i can find a little something more inside.
searching for someone that is just mine chasing after rainbows that never end losing anything that i already had.
when to stop, when to stop? stopping hurts so i chase and chase and run away when i try to run home, when i stop no one is ever home empty and alone empty and alone all alone so i chase and i chase and run away chase and run away do you want to play today?
NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!! so Gabe called me today and was like "do you have a second myspace account?" and it turns out that some other myspace idiot stole my pictures and made a fake profile, pretending to be me. yes, AGAIN. they even used my name this time! grrrrr! it looks like they just took screenshots of my pictures instead of actually stealing them! haha...
but yeah, WHY are people so lame?!?! why would someone pretend to be me?!!?!? it makes absolutely NO sense!!!
i would put up the link so that everyone could yell at the person, but i don't even think it's worth anyone's time at this point. GRRRRR!
i had the longest day ever in the world today. i just got home after being gone for 12 hours. i was supposed to be home about 4 hours ago. my day was pretty good and then all of a sudden everything in the world went wrong!!!! i told chris to pick me up from school and he said that he didn't want to because there was too much traffic, so i told him it was okay and that i would just take the UCSD shuttle thing. so i dragged my books (and heavy printer paper!) and bags of things that i had just bought all the way across campus to the shuttle stop, in heels, which i had already been wearing for over 7 hours, only to find that the shuttle stop had been moved due to construction. it said the name of the street it was on, but i wasn't sure where that street was, only that i had heard of it. so i walked more, looking for the street, then finally took off my heels and walked barefoot. my back was hurting so much from the bags and my feet were hurting and all i wanted to do was go home. so then i tried to call chris and he didn't answer his phone, and i called a few times and then my phone died!! every time i would turn it on, it would die before i could call anyone! so finally i just sat down on the ground because i didn't know what to do, and i kind of started crying. i wanted to cry, but i didn't let myself cry because i didn't want to have makeup and tears all over my face like some random crazy person. finally i got my phone to work enough to find out that marcy was still on campus and was going to be picked up by sam at "the loop" at some point, and then my phone died for good...so i went and waited forever for her at the loop and finally she came to save me! and sam took us to in and out and then marcy's house, and now finally i am home! the sad thing is that i don't think anyone ever noticed that i was missing!!!
ok, good night! i'm probably not really going to go to bed, but i really want to!!
dead and gone. shut up. don't argue. you don't know enough to argue. i'm am officially dead now. i've always felt sort of dead. different kinds of dead, of sad, of empty, of nothingness, and blah blah blah, but this time it's more real.
"blah, blah, blah" i just said...see? that's how much even those emotions, (or lack of,) mean to me. that should already tell you i'm not myself anymore, without me having to say anything more. i'm sick of hearing myself complain about the same things. and there are no new ideas anymore, or so it seems. but even worse than that:
there doesn't seem to be much left of the girl named May. who i was is pretty much all gone now. at least before when i couldn't feel, i could fake it until i did feel. but now i don't even know how to do that. i'm too afraid to let myself feel anymore. it's almost to the point where i don't think i could even feel if i wanted to. i can't trust, i can't feel anything at all. i'm too scared to even let myself like anyone, even when i want to, even if they deserve my affection...my last few boyfriends have completely screwed up my head. maybe i need to spend some time to forget things. i've gotten sooooo terribly insecure in this past year that i've actually lost myself. myself was built on a false sense of security, i guess. and it was built on lack of fear. so the more things i learn to be afraid of, the more i lose myself.
i could sometimes be the girl to make people say "wow" and now it's just "eh" ...because i'm too afraid to be that girl now. i've become more ordinary, nothing that stands out. i'm afraid that the people i'm around now will not say "wow" to what the other people said wow to ...that instead they will hate me, not like me, or think what used to be "wow" is just really lame.
of course i'm only talking about a specific thing or two, but still. it sucks that i've become too afraid and insecure to be myself anymore. i need to be fixed, and i'm not sure how to fix myself.
it's like the last parts of "me" have faded away, and i have become just another one of the crowd. fading into the background....
the weather is so pretty today. hot, with a cool breeze. very peaceful and calm, in a non-maddening way. and the sunset is just that kind of sunset that lets you know that summer is over. it's actually kind of depressing. the sun is going away. the days are getting shorter. soon the sky will be dark all the time. and it will get cold. and the sky at school will be grey... i hate fall. i hate winter and spring too. i only like summer. long days with warmth and sun. summer rain is great too, but there wasn't any this year.
i hate how boys get when you brake up with them... they start dressing better, looking better, losing weight, improving themselves, all sorts of things. and it's always like "hey, not fair! why didn't i get that version of that person?!?!" i guess they must only care about things when they're single, to get new girls...never care enough to try to impress their girlfriends, i guess. never want to put effort into something they think they already have...grrrr.
everything i thought i wanted found again in another shape, another world but still it's so cold and alone paper doll clothes without the doll i try and i try but again it's all wrong perfectly drawn paper doll clothes on the wrong doll.
bad boyfriend material. so on thursday night, this boy and i kept meeting eyes. it was a fun game, and he was really cute. the only problem was that he had a girlfriend, right next to him. later that night he was talking to morgan and i went over to hug morgan and the boy said "you have to introduce me to this girl, morgan, i've been making eyes at her all night and my girlfriend is getting jealous..." and i learned his name and then ran away. what a stupid boy!! he's hurting his girlfriend by looking at another girl (me), and at the same time he's proving that he's also absolutely worthless to me, because he would be a hurtful boyfriend to me as well.
the moral of the story: if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, you are not allowed to even know that other girls/boys exist, much less look at them!!!! common sense, people! grrr!
if this is supposed to be "good," then why do i feel so alone? so this week i've been catching up on my lost summer and actually, it's mean to say that it was lost, because it wasn't really, it just wasn't *my* way, it wasn't "my" summer, it was a summer shared with someone else, and spent doing things that the other person wanted, and doing things the way the other person did things. and that would've been fine if the person that i was sharing it with hadn't have been lying to me.
so yeah, here's my summer so far-
(btw, whoever commented and said that if i had a car that i wouldn't go anywhere is SO SO SO SO wrong! grrrrr. i've gone out with chris's car almost every night this week and have been getting to do exactly what i want to, finally. CAR = FREEDOM.) Monday: J and I ate donuts in the park in the middle of the night by candle light. (with lots of tears and sadness after that, over a picture of shi and a lie.) Tuesday: Marcy and I wandered ALL OVER downtown, and explored the W hotel, and also the emerald-something hotel. Then we ate at friday's. We were going to look for bars, but i felt too sick. Wednesday: Marcy and I went to the AC lounge and had pretty drinks in martini glasses and when we got bored with that we flirted with boys and then danced until the music got ugly. Afterwards we stood around talking to people. I finally met Lance, the DJ from Spatualand. When Marcy left I ended up hanging out with a boy named Junior (who DJ's at the AC Lounge and manages and bartends at Landlord Jim's) and another guy at Junior's house. We watched part of some cheesy 80's movie and ate burritos. then the other guy left so i decided to go home. i stopped by shiloh's for a second to say hi and then went home. Thursday: Marcy and I finally went to Yeah!! at Livewire (a cool little bar/night with good music that i've been wanting to go to forever and ever), because Gabe said that I should go. We sat at the counter and drank "soda pop" and talked to Gabe while he DJ'd. We also spent a lot of time talking to people outside. I met some new girls and kinda met some new boys. I was much more interested in talking to the girls though. (Electro) Linda was also there. Then Marcy had to leave and i spent the rest of the night hanging out and taking pictures with Linda, a new friend Angie, Gabe, and at times another girl. There wasn't any dancing but it was still fun because I was finally hanging out with people that were my own friends and more on my level, people i have more in common with, and that have the same kind of sense of humor as me and lots of other things. Friday: I went to the mall with Marcy and helped her pick out outfits. Then at night I went out alone, to Spatuland, (which is at the same place as Vice Versa), because Marcy had a date and Sarah was depressed. I didn't mind going alone because I knew my at least one of my friends would be there (Linda). And I could have taken someone else, but i didn't feel like it. Shiloh and Chris, Gregg, Justin, and Caryn were there as well, and i ended up going back to shiloh's with them at the end of the night. Saturday: Marcy and I went to Transport and danced with Jason, both Lindas, Electro Linda's friends and Gabe for a second. Gabe was busy taking pictures of the other DJ's and people and stuff. At the end of the night we ended up taking Gabe and his records home. First we went to my house and drank lemonade out of martini glasses and played (my) records, then I went to Gabe's and hung out there all night. He has the most beautiful perfect house. Very mod and minimilist and clean. even the walls were painted. we hung out and talked while pretending to watch six feet under, we put it on at least twice and didn't see more than a minute of it. we also played with his cute little dog a lot and kind of cuddled and kissed. before i left, he showed me music and made me a CD, and we watched music videos on his pretty couch. the end. but yeah, it sucks, even though we are broken up, shiloh was hurt that i made out with another boy...and even though he cheated on me and deserves to feel that kind of pain, i still feel bad. and it sucks, every time shiloh is hurt, i feel depressed too. which makes it impossible for me to just hurt him and then go away. it's always that everything is fine and then i hurt him, and i get super sad and depressed and crazy, almost like i'm the one that got hurt. it's really weird, i don't think i've ever felt that way with anyone before. maybe it's because i spent soooo much time with him, i don't know. it just really sucks that i have to be hurt when he is hurt. grrr. and i as much as i want him to be hurt, i really feel bad for him and don't want him to be sad. it makes no sense.
this proves just HOW out of it i've been lately: i got a free CD from the beautifully MOD furnished bar/longue that i went with Marcy to on sunday, and i haven't even opened it yet!!!!!!!!!!! can it get any worse than that!?!
but yeah, i was doing better on sunday night and monday, thanks to Marcy, but i fell completely apart the next day thanks to two other people, a picture, and a strange small lie. so now today is wednesday and i haven't slept yet and i feel a tiny bit better, so hopefully when i wake up i will be okay...who knows, it all depends on how many bad things happen to me! haha
...oh and yeah, another great thing about sunday was that the bar gave away free pizza! and it was good pizza!! i was soooooooooo happy!!!!!!! it made paying $7 for a drink soooo worth it...haha.
i don't care if all the "cool" people in san diego like cheap dirty ugly little bars! i like PRETTY bars with mod furniture, so there!!! [i agree though, the prices of drinks are terrible - but it's kind of worth it when you RARELY drink and you get to sit in such a pretty place. and i also agree that being around snobby rich people kinda sucks too - but i can also deal with that as well.]
i thought this was funny: (something i wrote to shi...)
i only feel like being sweet because i am one of those things without a brain, oh yes, a goldfish... who forgets things too easily. i forget that you've hurt me sometimes for moments. i really need to just dangle a reminder sign in front of my face that says "beware of sharks" or um, "...of shiloh" hehehehe : )
is that funny to anyone else??? i always wonder if the things that i think are funny amuse other people as well...or maybe they have to be read in the right tone to be funny...i don't know...tell me?
before i had a blog, (or the internet), i used to give all my thoughts to my boyfriends, mainly chris, in COUNTLESS letters. [all i would write about in my paper journal were all the times that i got to see chris.] so i guess i've always been into sharing my thoughts. what is the point of having thoughts at all if you're not going to tell them to anyone?
p.s. i hate the word "share" ... it sounds too superficial or institutional. does anyone know of a good synonym to replace it?
i think that out of everything that hurts, her existence hurts the most. i just wish that i didn't have to know that she still exists. i wish that there was someway to block her myspace profile so that i couldn't even look at it.
and thinking even farther back, i really wish that i would just have never met him either. i'm not sure where i would be right now in life, or what clubs i would be going to, or who i wouldn't know, or what mess i would be in, or what, but i do know that things would be soooooooo much better with chris, and things in general would not be such a mess. i'm sure that he must feel the same way about me. although he always said that he had nothing to lose, but maybe he did? i know that i did, and i did lose most of what i had. and i lost a lot of time as well, and just so many things. including sanity. and everything in my life right now is an indirect result that came from meeting him. everything i had before was replaced by the new things. my life is completely different now. i don't think that i am any happier. i think that i am less happy. and yes, i finally get to be somewhat independent and leave the house and go dancing and hang out with boys if i want to, instead of being locked inside the house begging chris to go out with me...or to let me have guy friends. but what i got wasn't worth the price i paid it for. my relationship with chris was (is) the most important thing in my life, and my decisions and the people i've met have really crushed a lot of what chris and i had left.
it's like a domino effect and everything keeps getting worse and worse, and i'm not completely sure how to stop it, or make things better. i suppose i could just try my best to get rid of that whole group of people, pretend that they never existed, but that's really not so easy anymore because chris is friends with them as well.
everything is just sooooooo messed up. i guess the only thing to learn from this is that every single little action or decision you make affects your entire life A LOT more than it seems like it will at the time.
i think that i used to put A LOT more thought into my decisions...what has happened to me? i have become such a mess, to match my life...i want to change back to how i was before, but it's a lot harder to from normal to perfectionist than it was going the other way. (yes, normal = messed up).
it's gotten harder and harder and harder to be honest and open on this website. it was easy before. and back then, if i couldn't be honest, i could put it into a poem, but now there's just so much stuff that would be fine for the world to see, but not for the people who know me to see. for example, how could i write "i hate when *name here* asks me for candy" or something when i know that *name here* is reading that.
i guess that maybe i should tell that person that, and that would solve everything, but some things are not that easy. some things are what people like to do and i don't want them to know that i hate that thing about them, because it would hurt them...or something like that.
all i'm really saying is that i can't freely talk about my feelings here anymore without censoring what i write, or not writing it at all. which sucks!!!! i don't know what to do. do i just write and pretend that no one is reading??
my back it hurts again it aches like history cottonmouth and all lit up your smiling back at me, but
I feel you must have failed me once again you've let me down my confidence below my knees now I need to find you out
Chorus: Peek in, sneak about I?m gonna snoop and call you out I?ve caught you, you?re hands are red Now I?m your broken hearted detective
Hey lover why the gun? Hold on I?m almost there It?s too late you?ve killed the trust Don?t act so unaware
Why are you so destructive? Do you realize what you?ve done? you can?t bring it back to life now What are you running from?
I don?t like the way it feels I just want you to be real
Hey girl, save the liar Can?t you see his pants on fire? Hey girl, save the liar Can?t you see his pants on fire? I?m rummaging through your closet Imagining all the worst thoughts
it's the worst thing ever, i get soooooooo tired, but i can't sleep. sometimes i'll stay up for 30 hours+ and still have trouble sleeping. it's not all the time, just when things are really really wrong in my life.
and no, i do not have as much control over my own life as you may think. sure, i could leave people, i could do other things, but that doesn't make anything better. and different people are not what i need. i've tried that again and again and again, my whole entire life. and i've learned that all people are the same. no one is any better than anyone else, maybe in some ways, but they are always worse in others. what needs to happen is for the people that already exist in my life to be better. i need at least one person in this world that i can trust, so that i don't go crazy. EVERY person i have EVER trusted has always betrayed me. i don't want to live if ALL people suck that badly. but if there was just one person, it would be reason to live. i don't want to live for myself, have my own independent life anymore, because i've learned that it is WORTHLESS, POINTLESS, STUPID, SUPERFICIAL (in ways). it is a waste of time and effort because i'm just going to die one day. and there is nothing i really like to do that doesn't involve other people. i don't want to live inside my imagination, i don't want to live inside my own head in some fake world. i want a world that is real that i can share with someone else. if i paint something, it's not because i like painting, it's because i want to give it to someone, show someone, or keep to hang in my house to show someone (and i like to LOOK at it too, but that is pointless as well). if i make a song it's because i want to show someone. if i wanted just to sing, i could sing to the radio, right? if i write a poem, it's to say something that i want other people to hear. if i clean my house it's for other people to see (and sometimes so that i don't go crazy). etc, etc...
without other people, doing anything is even more pointless than it already is. yas, we are born alone and die alone, but i don't think that really means anything. that doesn't mean we should live alone.
and it's funny because i am soooo not the type of person who even likes to be around other people very much. i have spent my entire life alone. alone inside my head, and then alone living with strangers and changing schools. but after being with chris for so long i've realized that it SHOULD take another person to make you happy. you shouldn't have to be all alone in the world. you shouldn't have to have thoughts with no one to hear them or dreams with no one to share them with...
i guess the only problem is that absolutely everyone in this world is always looking out for themselves way too much to ever truely care about another human being in the right way. this world is so horrible and such a mess. i really don't see why on earth we have to live here, it's got to be worse than hell...
I tried to think about rainbows When it gets bad You got to think about something To keep from going mad I tried to think about big fat roses When the ship starts going down But my head is wicked jealous Don't want to talk about it right now
Chorus: Long distance Don't talk about ex-girlfriends Don't talk about you without me Don't talk about the past
In my head It's only in my head In my head It's only in my head
There's just something about you That gets me in a twist And sometimes I think That cupid is just taking a piss It only takes one word or idea To send me in real deep So if you think you're clever Use the right words when you talk to me
Repeat chorus
In my head It's only in my head In my head It's only in my head
I really think I have a problem I really can't control myself Why do I get so suspicious? Do you want someone else?
does anyone know who owns awfulplasticsurgery.com ???? a lot of people have emailed me asking if i know...so if anyone knows the contact information of the person who owns this site, please let me know.
i am so sad, my entire summer was completely wasted. i didn't get to do anything i wanted to do, and the few things i did get to do, i didn't get to do the way i like to do things, so they were not even close to being the same. i didn't get to be 21 at all. everyone i know had so much fun going out and having fun and being young and happy. that was my plan for this summer too, but it didn't happen. i kind of went out. but i didn't really dance enough or anything. i didn't have anyone to dress up with me. i didn't see my girl friends enough. i'm just soooo mad and sad about losing my summer...this is the most miserable summer i've ever had in my life. i felt like i got 10,000 years older. i want to go outside and play! i want to do so many things! but there is never anyone to do them with. and when there is, i am always too depressed to answer my phone. i need help! someone save me! i'm getting old, i'm losing myself, i'm becoming something much worse than nothing...
i think that if i had a car, my life/summer would have been sooooo much better. it's not fair!!!! i worked so hard to save all my money, and i have NO CAR because chris never paid me back ANY pf the $12,000 he owed me and i don't think he ever will.
absolutely everything is wrong in my life right now. and things just keep getting worse. i am so completely miserable. i've never felt miserable before. i've been sad and hurt and unhappy and in pain, but those are much better feeling emotions than being miserable!!
marcy, sarah, mia, someone save me! i'm past the point of being able to save myself this time...
self control... i'm such a good child, i've had my friend's email and myspace and blogger password for at least 9 months now, and i've never once gotten into any of his stuff (um, except for i broke into his blog once to fix a typo for him...haha)...but yeah, even when he was being mean to me on his blog and things, i never broke in and deleted things or anything. i could have been so mean and put mean/random things up on his website until he got the password changed...haha...but yeah, i just thought it was funny that it hardly even crossed my mind to get into his email ever...i would be able to read all his emails to and from girls, and all sorts of things...but i won't read them because i don't 'own' him, i only own a chris! hehehe. but yeah, his computer is not working so he had me check his email and myspace mail over the phone earlier today, it was so cute...he was like "oh well, you have my password anyway" ...haha... unfornately, there were no emails to read to him, and i don't dare touch other emails...i don't even *want* to know what they say...probably mean things somehow... ok, the end.
maystar, on being drunk... so yeah, for the most part, i'm against people getting drunk, especially to get rid of pain, (although i think that regligious mother says that the bible says 'give drink to those who are {something like sad} ] but i think that sometimes it's okay to get drunk, for special occasions, for fun SOMETIMES [AKA: rarely], etc...but yeah, so when i am drunk, i become extremely aware that the other people around me are at different levels of consiosiness, or drunkness. all of a sudden i'm aware that some people are more fucked up than me, and some people are sober. it's so interesting that i think about things like this when i'm drunk...does anyone else?? when i'm just normal (which is 99% of the time), i never am aware that people are drunk. it can take me 3 hours to realize that the person i'm hanging out with has had something to drink, because i don't drink enough to think that way. i forget that people even get drunk at all. the other thing i notice when i'm drunk is that it's harder to hear things; like things in the background are drowned out a bit, including music. things blend into nothing. sometimes people are harder to hear. does anyone else feel that way? also, feet hurt less when dancing...
someone remind me to spell check this later...i spelled things wrong thinking that there was spell check, but it doesn't work on the mac that i'm on... night night. love, the drunk maystar. haha. (p.s. children, you are only allowed to drink when you are old enough, and only like once a month, ok???!!)
i am so self-destructive when i'm hurt. i'm not sure why. i just make everything in my life even more of a mess when i'm sad. it's really stupid of me. it just makes everything much harder for me. grrrr
So glad to see you well Overcome and completely silent now Without himself You cast your demons out And not to pull your halo down Around your neck and tug you off your cloud But I'm more than just a little curious How you're planning to go about Making your amends to the dead To the dead
Recall the deeds as if They're all someone else's Atrocious stories Now you stand reborn before us all So glad to see you well
And not to pull your halo down Around your neck and tug you to the ground But I'm more than just a little curious How you're planning to go about Making your amends to the dead To the dead
With your halo slipping down Your halo slipping Your halo slipping down Your halo slipping down Your halo slipping down
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! i hate the stupid internet!!!!! yet another person stole my pictures!!!
if anyone else steals my pictures, or poems, or anything else, i'm going to hunt you down and smash your head repeatedly with a hammer! i'm sick of this! grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm thinking that maybe i should just take down my website or something. i don't know. this is too stressing and i hate other people making me look dumb or bad by stealing my pictures and pretending to be me. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
i think i will just sue people maybe...then i can be rich! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you are one of my friends and want to see me, email me what day you want to see me and what you want to do, it works better than the phone these days! xoxoxo
and if it wasn't bad enough that i know that saying how i really feel keeps people like chris away lately, i got a fortune cookie today to rub it in my face: "smile, a frown keeps others away" ...grrr! yes, the fortune cookie is right, but it still makes me mad and i want to throw it! i don't want to smile, so there! why must everything in this world be a game? can't show how you really feel or people will go away...it's lovely.
insanely insecure... so i've never been the most secure person, in fact, for pretty much all of my life i was shy and insecure, and self conscious ...[to the point where i felt weird about my arms, and wasn't sure what to do with them while i was walking]...but yeah, so i've never really been completely secure, but at least for the past few years i've been a lot more comfortable with having things like arms (haha) and a little bit more secure, all thanks to chris telling me that i was beautiful 8 billion times.
but recently, i've been so crazy insecure... i started gaining weight in january and haven't lost any of it...and it's not that i weigh any crazy amount or anything (130 lbs), it's just that i have all this icky bad type of fat on me, the kind that comes from eating too much ice cream and too much candy (mmm...i want ice cream now! haha), and just the worst love handles ever...
and i thought that this summer i would roller-skate outside and go out and play and go to the beach and climb trees and lose some of this weight, so i didn't worry too much, but i haven't gotten to do any of that and it makes me want to cry that my summer is gone already...
but yeah, so lately i've just felt so fat and ugly and just "ick" ...i was doing so good, trying to repair myself and make myself get dressed everyday and wear makeup, but now i've gone right back to where i was a couple years ago, with unbrushed hair and no make up and clothes that make me feel sloppy and depressed, on most days at least...
and in the mirror i see my face getting older and changing shape, and looking worse than it already did. and i take pictures that come out so bad that i don't dare put them up, because as much as i want you to understand what i'm talking about, i don't want to really know that i'm that ugly. as long as the pictures aren't up, it's not as real to me. and i can't wear little tops that show my stomach anymore because my stomach is icky and most of my pants don't fit... and my skin still sucks as usual ... and etc, etc, a million things...
all this stuff and other things are causing me to feel soooooo insecure and just like nothing. because anyone who knows anything, knows that i am only nothing, that i'm even less than most people...(i'm talking about in the superficial world of beauty, art, music, and those kinds of things)...and it doesn't help any that there isn't one boy in this world that i can trust, that i can have as my own, without another girl in his head or life...i'm seriously just so wildly incredibly insecure and it's causing me to act all crazy and clingy around chris, which is the absolute worst way to win the game against another girl. and i just don't want to play games. i shouldn't have to. but we all know that you have to play that way, because most guys hate the girlfriend that says "please don't dance with her, please don't look at her..." or in my case "please don't have intimate conversations with her, please don't have inside jokes with her, please don't be cute-sy with her, please don't stay out until 3am with her when you said that your bedtime was 11pm on our 6 year anniversary and made us go home without having fun, please don't share experiences with her, please don't have fun with her, please don't spend money on her when you don't spend money on me, please don't go places with her when you don't go places with me..." and those sorts of things.
at some point i decided that i want to do everything in the world with the person i love, i want every memory i have to include them. i don't want to be this alone person with secret thoughts and a secret life all to myself in my head...i want to share every experience with the other person...i guess i want what me and chris used to have, i just never realized i had it before, and actually, i didn't completely have it, because chris was boring and wouldn't ever go out or leave the house no matter how much i begged...it wasn't until crystal that he started going out...
i don't know, i'm just rambling, and i've lost my point. i'm a very wounded and crazy creature right now.
there is nothing i hate more in the world than hanging out with more than one person at a time. (unless it's marcy and zenaida together). it is the worst thing ever. it feels like a 4 year old being dragged around with it's parents and other adults...it feels like a waste of time, and i would much rather be alone than stuck with 2 or more people. the saying "three's a crowd" is really sooooo true. i don't know, things just don't feel intimate enough when hanging out with more than one person at a time, and things feel awkward and off balanced and stuff. there are very few combinations of people that work right with more than 2 people hanging out together at a time. and even when that does work, things are so fake and superficial so often, that it just seems like a waste of time... something, something, something.
i had sooooo much fun dancing tonight! it was really only temporary fun, but it was really good when it lasted. fun is scarce these days. but yeah, i got to dance with a lot of my little club friends (morgan, lee, j, gay-chris, etc), and even my chris danced to two songs with me!!! but shiloh didn't feel like dancing at all :( so that kind of sucked.
it was soooooooooo perfect. i had always said that i wanted good music and the AC Lounge at the same time, and tonight it happened. because Barry (and Morgan, who we missed) was(/were) spinning there!
i'm too tired to make sense. I didn't go to bed last night, stayed up cleaning, even though i was tired. i spent 10+ hours trying to clean my house....my poor poor ruined house (or "apartment," whatever).
so....who's going to be my date to go dancing in LA on sunday? and this is where i wish i had my own car...but yeah, whoever goes with me gets to get in free via guestlist, but you have to let me know by thursday night at the latest... xoxo
i guess i will laugh while i can, so HAHAHAHA! chris's little internet girlfriend stood him up today. she was supposed to call him, and then they were going to see each other, but she didn't call. YAY!
what makes me really super mad is that he got all super dressed up to see her, yet he didn't spend more than 10 minutes getting ready for our 6 year anniversary...he looked like a bum, and his hair sucked, etc... yet he spends like an hour getting dressed up for her ...GRRRRR... i'm not worth getting dressed up for i guess.
OH, and then he stole my belts to see her the other day. after he PROMISED that he wouldn't wear my red belt again, and after i told him that he couldn't ever wear my white one, he went behind my back and stole them to wear for her. what a stupid jerk!! so i hit him with the belts! hahahaha! we got in a fight as usual, but at least this time he said "it's learns, it got hit, so it learns. it won't take your stuff anymore, i promise" ...he was always the type of child that got two million spankings a day. apparently, he STILL needs to be abused to learn. LOL
but anyway, back to my story....she didn't call him for some reason, and he was completely heartbroken about it...because he falls in love with anything that pays ANY attention to him...but yeah, i'm sure that she will probably call or email him tomorrow and be all fake sweet to him and make everything go back to sucking again, but yeah. the funny thing is that chris thinks that *i* have something to do with her not calling him, he thinks i emailed her or something, which i COULD easily do, but didn't. he said that he'd hate me FOREVER if i did. when chris gets in his selfish moods like this, he gets very very mean and will kill anything that gets in his way of getting what he wants...
the end.
oh, and by the way, i DON'T want an open relationship. chris is the one that wanted one, back when he met crystal, (who he now HATES).
