NEW PICUTRES!!!!!! okay, so there are still some older pictures i need to put up, but here are SOME. i spent forever putting these up ... about 6 hours or so, and they aren't even that great, that's what sucks. oh well. here: (oh, and if you have a stupid pop-up blocker, you might need to disable it, because the links pop up in new [regular-sized] windows.) the first pix are the newest, the last are maybe 2 months old.
me & chris get to go to the movies tomorrow! yay! except for neither of us have ANY money, so i'm not sure how that's going to work... it will probably turn into us fighting about money and not going anywhere at all. because that's what always happens.
i called you on the telephone 'cause I was lonely i called you up just to hear your your eyes i know are a cold, cold blue pale white skin dead like a mannequin seem to fade looking and not wanting to come up to date like a broken clock, the hand is still through the pain i was watching as sound hit my ears we don't fit anymore we don't fit anymore not the same not the same not the same, same, same
it's funny, someone with too much time on their hands wrote me a couple of hate-mails. one was really long and i just glanced at it and it sounded like the person who wrote it was a complete idiot who didn't understand anything on my site, and didn't read enough of anything to get anything...so i'm not even going to read her email. it's a waste of my time. one part that i glanced at said something like "punk is not dead!" ...because i guess somewhere on my site it says that punk is dead, which it is, meaning the punk MOVEMENT is dead, it died like 20 years ago or so and now they just have this pop-punk crap they try to call punk. like avril lavigne. (which is NOT PUNK, kids! NO NO NO!!! Not even close!) i like old punk music, and i wasn't saying anything bad about punk or anything, and this person completely misunderstood. and if they misunderstood that, then who knows what else they misunderstood! really, how can anyone be that stupid? grrr. i give up! no one will ever understand anything! it's SO annoying!
oh great. so i went by shiloh's at like 1am last night just to say hi, and i didn't get home until just a bit ago. i need to do homework! and sleep!! waaaaaaah!! no matter how hard i try, things just don't ever go as planned. i thought that i would at least be home by 4, in time to sleep 8 hours, but even that didn't go right... i tried to leave a couple times, but i never ended up leaving for some reason. and poor shiloh gets no sleep today as well. he has to go to work right now. you'd think he would have kicked me out as fast as possible when i said i should leave, but it seems as though both of us are broken!!
it's a miricle!!!!! chris and i actually talked about politics for like 45 minutes without screaming, yelling, or hitting each other!!! !!!! !!!!
this is the first time this has ever happened!!! usually we end up mad at each other (after 3 minutes!) and i end up trying to hit/kill him for liking bush or for not being logical. but today we were both very logical, and everything went good.
chris listens to politics on the radio all day at work, everyday, and he says that i come up with the same opinions and conclusions of some of the "very very smart" radio people. he's very impressed and thinks i'm very smart. (yay) that's good, because that means that he is smart enough to understand the things that i say. stupid people have a hard time understanding me sometimes, probably because they don't ever actually LISTEN. they are so stuck to their points that they won't listen to anyone else.
but yeah, it was so nice to actually be able to debate with chris. i absolutely love arguing/reasoning with people. especially when they understand me because that means i got my point across (finally. haha). and also, sometimes when you debate with people you get to learn new things that make sense as well.
so some (internet) people say that they are sick of me being negitive, sick of hearing the same things again and again and again, and again and again...
well the funny thing is, i am sick of it too! i don't want to hear what i have to say! i don't even want to say it anymore!!!! my friends will say "how are you" when they call, and really mean it, and i just don't want to talk about anything!! i'm just like "oh you know, the usual" ..."what's the usual?" they say. "bad/sad/something/whatever" i say.
i'm really just so used to this stuff that i don't even care anymore!! it's like i'm so stuck, and i'm so bored with it.
i don't know WHY everything has to always go wrong. i don't want things to be this way, i must be doing something wrong for everything to always go wrong, but i really don't know HOW to fix anything!! if there was an OFF button i could push just to make it all go away, i would push it, but there isn't!! i really think the problem is just that too many things are out of my control.
let's take chris not doing the dishes, for example. what can i do to fix this problem??? well, talking doesn't work, i could try hitting him maybe?? (haha) ...and i could do the dishes myself, but then i would just still be SO MAD and miserable!! i'm already ALWAYS picking up his dishes and clothes and trash. so if no one does the dishes i'm stressed and mad, and if i do them, i'm stressed and mad and have no time for homework... no matter what i do, I CAN'T WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!
i could throw chris out and get a roomate, but then chances are, they wouldn't do the dishes either! and then chris and i would just get worse, and so that would be even extra bad!!!
it's hopeless!! i got chris to do the dishes the other day, AFTER THREE WEEKS! but that's only once! he says he's NEVER doing dishes again. and even that time, i had to make him promise that me and shiloh could cut off his hair if he didn't do the dishes!!
it was actually really cute, chris comes to me like a 4-year-old, after doing dishes for an hour and with little boy eyes, says "are you going to cut off my hair if i don't do the rest of the dishes?" and i told him "yes! so go finish them!" (and so he said "fine, i'm not going to do a good job on them then!" which was NOT cute...)
but yeah, it seems as if all my problems are because the other people in my life are all so "GRRRRRR" ...and so i don't know how to make anything better. you can't TALK to these people, it doesn't work!!! like my mom is ALWAYS at my house, ALWAYS wanting to borrow something, wanting help, saying things that aren't true and driving me mad, etc. AND SHE WON'T LEAVE MY HOUSE!! i tell her to leave and she won't! i don't know what to do! i've tried calling the police to get her out (along time ago) i've tried throwing shoes at her, i've tried talking to her, i've tried threating to get a restraining order, and no matter what i do, she will not leave! or if she does she keeps coming back!!!!!!!! she refuses to respect my wishes and privacy, which causes me to get no time alone, which causes me to go crazy!!!
i feel so helpless!!!
i try and try to make people change, to talk to people, etc, but nothing ever works!!! all i can do is just WISH that my life was NORMAL!!!!
here, here's a positive thing, i think... my friend Linda ("80's linda") is so smart and insightful. i'm not sure if insightful is exactly the word i'm looking for, but yeah. last night she was saying "there's nothing you can say to make her understand you, there's nothing you can do to make her think differently, you're wasting your time" and she was right. i agreed with her at the time, but i still had to try anyway. linda says that i am approval seeking. i think that she's found the perfect thing to describe part of me. i'm so sensitive and get hurt so easily that i think in a lot of ways i need other people to let me know that what i'm doing is ok, so that they won't make fun of me or hurt me. yet, at the same time, i still do so many things (like being crazy and irrational and negitive) that i know people don't like, so really it doesn't make any sense. i guess i still never do anything that i don't want to do (unless it's to let someone else have their way), but it's like i need other people to think the things that i want to do are okay in order to do them. like, in order to wear some silly outfit, it helps if someone says that it's okay to, or something... i don't know.
my mother thinks i got this way from being taken away, from living in foster homes. she says that i didn't have a family to rely on, all i had were the kids at school, so if they didn't like me, i had no one... i think that maybe this makes sense.
by the way, i had another nightmare last night about being back in a group home (which looked like/was almost a jail in my dream.)
ever heard the saying "bad company spoils good character"...? It's really so true. And it's not even that if you hang out with people who do drugs, you will end up doing that too. it's more like you hang out with people who treat you badly and you become a serial killer! hehehe...
but seriously, i've been becoming an increasingly worse person over the last year, and i thought it was a good thing at first, i thought i was just being "human" ...but now i'm not so sure that i want to be human...
you know those online personals ads? well mine a few years ago would have said: "shy, tolerant, patient, kind, honest, real, compassionate, understanding, caring, loving, etc..."
and nowadays i think it would say: "honest, real, bitter, impatient, cold sometimes, kind sometimes, mean, etc..."
i used to be so shy and TOLERANT, and now the littlest thing causes me to get SO mad... i think that maybe i am going crazy. i think people drive me crazy on purpose and then i walk around in an almost-crazy state, so the littlest things push me over the edge.
my mother and sometimes chris take up all my air and space, and all my time alone, and i'm always SO stressed out, and so when someone comes along and pokes me with a stick, i shoot them!!!
i really wonder how i got this way. i wonder how to change back. i wonder if there is any reason to change back.
i used to try SO HARD to be GOOD and PERFECT (like being a good child when i was little) and that is always who i was. everyone else did everything they wanted while i was always as good as i could be, and all i got out of being good was never getting to go home to my mom. i don't see the point of being good anymore. bad people get everything good. good people get nothing. bad people get taken on dates and money spent on them, as they go around using people, taking all they can get. good people get nothing and never ever get taken on dates and they buy other people things, and then they just finally become bitter when they try so hard to be good and nice and almost no one is ever nice to them back. (or at least not the SAME people that they are nice to.) no, of course you don't give to get, but if it's one person that is the only one that's really ever giving, the other person starts to feel unloved and not cared about. and in this lovely america, people put their money where their heart is...
but yeah, if someone wants to tell me what i should change to go back to being "good" ....then tell me and i'll try. right now i'm like this half-nice, half-mean monster thing. at first i was only mean to chris and my mom who would torture and annoy me TO DEATH, but lately i've actually been being mean to other people. like being bitter about a boy i was seeing not paying enough (or ANY) attention to me, and then i actually called the girl who was being mean to me last night a "bitch!" ...i like actually said to her "you're a bitch!" (because she was being SO condesending and acting like she was better than everyone and being SO mean and telling me to leave my own ex-boyfriend's/friend's house when it was MY friends who were there!! she was even being a little mean to my friend linda before i got there, when i arrived i found linda crying!! not ALL because of the other girl, but partly.) i've never called anyone a bitch before!!!!! maybe like in a blog, or maybe in 7th grade i said "that girl is a bitch" to my friends, who all then gasped and said "oh my god, may just cussed! good job!" (because i was the good child and they were the bad ones...) but yeah...i'm not so sure i want to stay this way. and i'm really usually nice, but lately it's almost like me being nice leads to me being bitter which leads to me being mean or mad. so what's the solution for that???
and i will never be able to stop being negative, so we are not even going to talk about that one. i was negative for years with chris and we were both happy, so that's not the source of anything bad...
but yeah, how is a person supposed to be these days? i try to be nice to my enemys (people who don't like me) until we are friends, and i try to be nice to random people as long as i'm not too shy to talk to them, and i try to be nice to my friends....
and i guess that it's more the internal things that need to be fixed...i need to unlearn how to hate people, and unlearn how to be mad and bitter? but is that even right??? i'm so confused...
I am so SICK of being misunderstood that i think that i should just stop writing.
everyone has a different way of reading things and reading into things, and i never have enough time to write EVERYTHING or explain anything well enough ...
when i was laughing at Jim's comments, it was not a rude thing at all. it was playful. obviously i would not be mean or rude to someone for no reason! it's the same way i laugh at annie's jokes... jim was just being so hopeful and so serious and things that i found it funny. the thing he said. speaking of jim i liked the last thing he said: (bruce lee:)"...Be more like water when i comes to life, flexible, fluid, powerful, passive, ever changing, and go where life flows too..."
i agree with that completely, except if you do that in life, people like bianca will accuse you of not being "real" ...hahaha...
wow. what a night. people are seriously just SO lame. SO SO SO lame. you have NO idea.
and i can't get rid of these people either, because they insist on hanging out with chris, because they know he is so much better than them so they don't want to let him out of their lives. they want to drag him down with them. with their boringness and their drugs and their sloth, and their lame jokes that aren't funny. and their whore tells chris that she wants to sleep with him, would sleep with him. she doesn't trust herself around him she says, and then she pretends to be my friend or at least says she never does anything to hurt me.... yeah, right. whatever.
if they won't leave chris alone, the only solution is to kill them then. right? i wonder if steak knives would work. anyone want some steak?
the more i try to control my life, the more it slips away... like grasping at water which just falls through your fingers when you try to capture it. but when i just let things "be" everything seems to go fine. it's so strange. you'd think that TRYING to do things would work better than just letting things happen, but i guess not.
Bush vs. Kerry... they both suck. this is the first year that i get to vote in the "presidential election" and well... i want my money back! this show sucks!
seriously, which one is the lesser of two evils? i'm not even trying to find the good choice...there isn't one! this election is just as bad as the last one. do you want idiot #1 or idiot #2 to run our country? See, your parents were right, ANYBODY can be president!! You too can be president when you grow up!
months ago, we should have all decided upon one of the lesser canidates to vote for instead. by now, it's probably too late to get enough people to vote for one.
but yeah, seriously i don't know who to vote for, and i have this feeling that even if everyone in the entire US voted for Kerry, Bush would somehow still win. I would almost bet money on it. Not because of what happened before, but just because it feels that way...
it's funny, i don't know of anyone who likes either of them. i say we all just refuse to vote! how did they get so far if no one likes them????
so i suppose that we should vote for kerry. i would rather have someone who seems to be a bit of an idiot running this country than bush, who seems manipulative and sneaky. and who continues this unnessesary war for his own selfish reasons: A) a people is stronger when they have a common enemy, and it kind of makes him look better and stronger to carry on this pretend war, and it keeps us living in fear to some extent. it reminds me of the book 1984, i'm sure i'm not the only one who thinks that... 2) they say the war is still going on because we are trying to set up a government for the people. i haven't had time to do my research, but um, why would you need a war for that? AND, how would you like it if some other country came in to your country and was like "WE ARE GOING TO INSTALL A NEW FORM OF GOVERNMENT HERE, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, SO THERE!! HAHAHAHAHA" which is basically what we are doing. And despite popular belief, people in other countries are not savages, and they CAN think for themselves and are quite capable of setting up their own government and doing it the way they want to...blah, blah, blah, i could argue a lot more if i actually had time to research exactly whats going on...
but yeah, um, vote for kerry....i think. i hate kerry. but bush seems worse. the end. did i make any political people mad?
i hate that i've become so aware of what other people think. i hate that as much as i don't want to care what other people think of me, i do. i hate that i'm starting to be too scared to be myself because i'm afraid that other people will think that i am strange, that they will talk about me behind my back, or even worse: that they will give me strange looks. by being myself i'm talking about climbing trees that are in front of bars, running for no reason, fake ballet dancing randomly, those kinds of things. i'm losing that part of myself. everywhere i go, i know all these people, and i'm worried of what they will think of me. will they think i'm too childish? will they think i'm crazy? will they be embarrased to be seen with me? Even worse are the people that i see all the time who i don't know. the ones that think they are cooler than everyone else. the ones that give everyone dirty looks and gossip. what will they say, what will they think? you know? no, it doesn't matter! but they could make other people think badly of me, they could be mean to me, they could make other people be mean to me. i guess that i am terribly afraid that someone's going to make fun of me. even if it's not outloud. i want to go back to being myself and taking people on random adventures and forcing them to go in the ocean at 2am and so on. but i am too insecure to be myself. how do i fix that???
In response to all the recent comments, all in one:
yes, although i am happy not having a BOYFRIEND, that does not mean i am all alone. i would feel empty and lonely and sad just like heather if i had no one. i still have my chris though. it's almost the same thing as a boyfriend just without the kissing and without the disappointment. so it's kind of "cheating" to say that i am happy without a boyfriend.
on to other things, i don't believe that i personally can be HAPPY without someone else. i could be fine, i could survive, but i would not be happy. TRUE happiness comes from relationships from relationships with other people. If you see a good movie, you want to share that with someone. If you have fun somewhere, you want to take other people there, you want them to feel the same happiness that you felt. without other people, people could not be happy. really think about it. if you were 100% alone for your entire life and never talked to another human being, i would think that it would be impossible to be happy. life is nothing without other people to share it with. and in my own experiance, i was SO HAPPY as a child, to have my mother. i didn't need her around me every second, but it was living with her that was responsible for my overall happiness. And when i didn't have her, for years i was unhappy. it was Chris that made me happy again. it is Chris that still makes me happy.
something that none of you will ever be able to understand, (or so it seems), is that chris is not just some boy that i could discard. getting rid of chris could NEVER casue me to be happier. NO ONE could be what chris is to me. NO ONE even comes close. He is a part of me, just like my mom was a part of me. Just like your head is a part of you. you cannot live without your head, and i cannot live without my chris. he IS my happiness. Jim (from the comments) says that being with the right person "can only magnify your happiness by magnitudes, like a magnifying glass does to the sun to start a fire" ...and in that case, chris is SO the right person for me. He does that. He makes me happier than any person has every made me in my entire life. Just being in the same room with him makes me happy. He is the ONLY one that can make me happy. And i say that from experiance and not from "some idea i have in my head" ...every conclusion i come to has A LOT behind it.
and Jim says "its hard to be around people who are negative" ...and i want to laugh at this, because *I* am the negative one. I am the ultimate source of negativeness!!! "Feeling too positive? Then have your daily dose of May!" i can't help being negitive, it's just who i am, and i'm happy that way! there's a certain fun in being negitive at times.
and Jim says: "Find a guy that is as happy as you are" and here, i completely fall to the floor laughing!!!! Find someone as happy as I am?! what a challange! Why, i think that just may be impossible! No one could be as happy as i am! (gleeful sarcasism, of course.) but seriously, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?!? hahahahahahahahahahaha *rolls on the floor laughing* ...someone as happy as me?!?!?!!!!!!!! how does that one work??!! i'm not happy, i'm not a happy kind of person!!! i am sometimes childish and like to run around and have fun, but that requires another person, and is not a constant or stable thing. i have NEVER been the type to create my own happiness. i have been an only child so i have been able to entertain myself and be alone for hours and all that kind of stuff, but never has anything that was just *me* been HAPPINESS. i do not have my own magic source of happiness and i never will. it makes me happy when SOMEONE ELSE is having fun WITH me. the exact same amount of fun. if they are moping, i cannot have fun, because how could anyone be happy when their friend is miserable, and when all you want is for that person to feel as good as you do, when all you want is for them to have fun the way you do? For someone to experiance what you do, and feel the same way you do; to relate, to have someone UNDERSTAND. And then if the person is having more fun then me then i either become sad that i am not having that much fun, OR i match their level of fun.
that is what i really need, someone happier than me, that is what is good for me. and that is what i have. that is what chris is. i am such a mirror and i reflect the personalities of the people i am with, so i need someone to be happier than me, more outgoing than me, more adventurous than me, and then i can be free to be myself that way.
jim says" you're obviously with the wrong person, or people" ...yes, i have been with the wrong people. that's why i've been miserable, you are right. but sometimes i give my time to people who are in need of a friend and it's not about what i'm getting out it. yes, i shouldn't be miserable, but if i can be miserable so that someone else can be happy, is that really so bad?
Mia says "Honey, I like Chris and I can see why you stay with him, however, I can assure you that you will feel approximately the way you do with him with about 50% of other guys after you've been with them for a year. It's fear of the unknown and dependence that keep you hoping he'll change." You seem to have a good point, but i've been with someone else for 2 years, and as much as i loved him, and as much as he was ok, i've learned that chris is such a different type of person that nothing will ever even come close to feeling that same way. espeically with how boring and judgemental people are these days. i'm not happy with someone unless they will run barefoot in the rain with me and LIKE IT. plus 8,000 other requirements.
And let's go back to this thing of me hoping that chris will change. All i want from chris are the littlest changes. I want him to be neater, and be more responsible with money. I want him to go back to writing me love letters. i want him to go places with me like we used to. that's pretty much all i need for him to be completely 100% perfect. and if he doesn't change, then oh well. i still love him, and i'm still happy with him. if you'll notice, while chris causes me STRESS, he doesn't cause me to be unhappy. it's only THIS year that i have become truely miserable, and that's because i haven't really spent any time at all with chris this year. i need to try to start spending time with him again before we lose each other completely. when chris and i are together, nothing else in the world matters, and no one else exists.
"and she'd trade her entire life for the most worthless things. for the most worthless things."
am i allowed to quote myself? hopefully. the fact that i need to write part of the same poem twice just shows that i keep repeating my mistakes. it's so stupid, you would think i would learn! and i did learn actually, finally, but my efforts at wanting to change were not accepted by the other at this time, and so i keep putting my entire world in jeopardy for the most worthless pointless moments that do not benefit me in any way, except for that moment itself. but risking one's entire life for something worthless is really so stupid. it's like too often i am thinking about only the moment and not the future. even worse, sometimes i am thinking of the future, but i don't seem to care about the future at that time, still really too stuck in the moment.
i know that i need to make definate choices and stick to those choices, but for some reason i don't. how is it that i can know something is hurting me more than benefitting me OVERALL yet still continue to do it? it's kind of like eating candy. there is no point to eating candy other than that exact moment when you are eating it. afterwards, you are left with rotten teeth and still unsatisfied, only wanting more candy. if you could eat candy just once and never again and be forever happy with that, that would be great, that would be like accomplishing a goal. eating candy for a definate goal. to be happy. and then you could be done with it, and never have to hurt your teeth again. but for some reason, things are never like that. which is why it is pointless to eat tons and tons of candy if it is going to make you lose your teeth FOR SURE. that is complete stupidity and being something with a brain, i should be able to make a choice to not do something (like eat candy), if i know for sure that it's only going to ruin my life (or in this example, make ALL my teeth fall out.)
it's just soooo hard to think like that sometimes. to give up little happinesses in order to achieve overall happiness. it doesn't seem to make sense. it does partially, but not enough. i wish i could have both happinesses. but with what i am talking about, it's only one or the other. the small worthless happinesses that will leave me with nothing in the end, or giving those up in order to keep what is really important...and being human, i of course want to manipulate the situation and try to have both at once, but that is way too risky. risking something SO important just to TRY to have the other things as well is so stupid. especially when i don't *need* the other things, i only want them. i guess it's more like i'm a diabetic eating candy. that's it. risking my life for a sweet taste that goes away. a sweet taste that only lasts a moment and becomes a POINTLESS memory. one that will never benefit my overall happiness. a memory that i could live with out.
why are humans so stupid? even as i write this, my mind is not 100% made up to stop doing what i'm doing wrong. it's almost there, but my will is not strong enough. i need to commit 100% to a descion but it seems as though i'm only 99%. there's always an "if" left, a "maybe". And i could force that "maybe" out of existance, i could make it 100% and stick to it, but i don't. why don't i? because i still want candy. that horrible unsatisfiable want of something. there's still this tiny thing in my mind that tells me "there's a small chance you'll stay alive if you eat candy" and it doesn't realize that even if that were true, that alive-ness would not be as great as it could have been without the candy ruining it.
something i've figured out: i want EVERYONE to like me, and that doesn't mean that i want everyone's attention or that i'm going to give people fake smiles and be purposely nice to everyone or anything like that. it's really more that i don't care if people like me or not, it's just that i'd rather have them NOT NOTICE me at all than dislike me for no reason. there isn't really a reason that someone shouldn't like me, so it bothers me when someone doesn't. because when someone doesn't like me, it really only means that they don't UNDERSTAND me, and i can't stand that. to be misunderstood is like yelling at the top of your lungs in a crowded room, but no one can hear you. everything is only silent. complete silence, no one can even see you. that is the worst thing ever. and i am convinced that if everyone could understand me, that they would like me. i don't really know anyone that doesn't like me, but i'm sure there are some internet people out there thinking "oh that stupid blonde girl (even though i'm not blonde) she's so _________ " ...the thought of that makes me so crazy. it makes me crazy when people jugde people on too little information, on looks, on just anything that doesn't matter. but yeah, i suppose if someone had a valid reason to not like me, that would be ok. but very few people actually have one of those. i try my best to help people and be nice to people, and hopefully rarely cause other people pain. unless they deserve it (because they've hurt me). in that case i'm a little bit vengeful and only lately. and i guess maybe it's only spiteful. my idea of revenge is to not feel bad for something that hurt someone else. just to laugh at them while they are in pain, to think "ha ha, this is what you get" instead of being compassionate. it's hard to feel compassion for someone that has wronged you. and yes, i could if i tryed, but it's more that i don't want to. i'm sick of being that way. being that way just lets people walk all over you. but i am only talking, i don't intend to stay bitter and mean forever. eventually i want to go back to being compassionate, even towards those who have hurt me. either that or i'll just become a serial killer...that seems like a better idea.
i have to write out all my thoughts, or else i can't do my homework. i'll sit there trying AND TRYING! to read something and just drift off thinking 10 million things at once, thoughts flooding my head and there's no way to stop it, or to do anything else unless i spend time to write my thoughts out...
i sooooo love NOT having a boyfriend, it is the greatest thing in the world. it's so nice to just have lots of friends instead, and not be tied to anyone, not be stuck hanging out with just one boy, one person...not be stuck doing things you don't want to do, etc...
it's so nice to go to places 100% alone, (to places other people you know go), because then you really aren't tied to anyone. you can hang out with whoever and float around from person to person, and then leave when you want to or go where you want to afterwards. (of course, in order to go places alone, you need to have your own car..which i don't really have...and it's hard to borrow chris's because it's either broken or has to be home by 7am.)
but yeah, it's just so incredibly great to just have friends. and also, with not having a boyfriend, there's never anyone to let you down, never anyone to not live up to your expectations (and mine are WAY to high, because i was spoiled with having perfect chris for a year, before he turned into the "i want to strangle" chris. and i was also spoiled with Anothony, who took me out to eat A LOT, and dancing, made me breakfast, bought me clothes, and was going to get me the $5,000 custom engagement ring i wanted. he even would drive all the way from Las Vegas to CA just to see me. btw, i left that boy to go back to chris, LOVE is more important than "things" ...)
but yeah, i think as long as there is no boy in my life to let me down, i'll be a lot happier. so i think i'm going to try my best to not get stuck dating anyone else. i'm so over it. NO ONE (in the world) is good enough for me, i am WAY too picky. and i have a chris, anyway. my chris is like a boyfriend that i don't have to kiss, that i don't have to put effort into anymore. and hopefully one day he will grow up and learn to be responsible and we'll get married and live happily ever after. i don't think i could ever love anyone else the way i love him. it feels kind of like we've known each other our whole lives. i just can't deal with NEW people, strangers... it's too weird, there's too much i don't know about them and too much they don't understand about me. and i don't feel like letting anyone else get to know me, it's way too much work and i don't feel like talking!! but yeah, hopefully if i'm not putting ALL my time and effort into some relationship with some stupid worthless boy who will either cheat on me or not give me back even half of the love and effort i give, i will actually be able to accomplish something for myself. that is IF i don't get back into that stupid "life is pointless thing" that i always fall into...
i've started to notice that when things with chris and i are good, and we actually spend a little time together, i stop being depressed and i forget that life is pointless. it's almost like when i'm with chris life doesn't need to have a point. chris and i made dinner together today.
i don't think i'm EVER going to get better. i don't think i'm going to grow out of this phase. i think it's permanent. i think i'm one of those people who has "so much potential" and ends up throwing their life away.
and yes, i can SEE what's happening to me, and so i should be able to stop it. and i think that maybe i could if i tried hard enough. but the problem is that i can't find a REASON to stop it.
why do i need to go after my (old) dreams? why do i need to do anything in life? it's all so fucking pointless. what is the point? WHY?
tonight i met a girl in hollywood who IS what i wanted to be (before i met chris and gave all my time and energy to him instead of myself). she's an actress/model/dancer ...she was in a music video ... on top of that, she's really sweet and nice and LOVES childish things like me: swings, icecream, etc...
and it makes me mad/sad that i am so far away from where she is in life. she really seemed happy. and she had a boyfriend that was just perfect for her by her side. i am dying in every single way. i think i've lost my passion for dancing, i've lost my passion for everything maybe.
and then i think, well i should try to get back on track, and get to where i was going...acting and things...but then i think "WHY?" ...it's all so superficial and doesn't mean anything. everyone wants to be the pretty girl in the picture, or the main character of a love story, but WHAT DOES IT MEAN? so what! it's pointless, worthless. what will it get you? Fame, maybe? Attention? how are those things important at all? and then i think, well maybe i should be a social worker or something and try to help save children...(AKA: give them back to their parents, or where-ever they want to go), but then that doesn't seem right for me. i wanted to do something more creative than that.
i don't know, i don't know. what has happened to me? why am i losing my passion for everything? why has living in the moment without having a reason for doing things become so horrible?
all i can ever think about is that we all die in the end, so why bother doing anything? why accomplish something to have it go away? why even help people if they are going to die too? nothing in this entire world makes sense to me. and i am miserable. i am too aware of things to be the ways i need to be in order to be happy.
i've never been this miserable before. it's not even really like sadness, it's like torture. it's like being stuck in quicksand for 1,000 years but not sinking and never getting to die, just stuck there. this is the worst kind of depression, because there is no hope in this case. at least when i was taken away from my mom there was always the hope that i would get to go home one day. there was something to wish for, and wait for, an answer to my misery, a promise of happiness. but that's gone now. now there is nothing left. there is no light. there's nothing in this world that's going to make me happy. there's no "if i only had this, i would be happy..." there is nothing that i want, nothing that will make me feel any better. i only wish to die.
i hate doing such pointless things, i hate the burden of living, i hate trying to do things that are just going to mean nothing. i hate making memories that will just fade when this life is over. i hate doing everything i can to try to be happy only to have that happiness fade.
maybe i was happy for 5 minutes a few days ago, but why does that moment even matter if i'm not happy now, or overall. why should that moment have ever taken place? it was just a pointless thing to fill time. i should have done nothing instead, because the end result is always the same. always unhappy, always mad that this life means nothing, and yet i am forced to live through it. it feels like life is a job to me. that i am being forced to do everything. even things that are supposed to be fun rarely are. why can't i just die? why can't everyone just die? WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE HERE??!?! it's so dumb and pointless!!!
Q&A: Q: "when do you plan on adding/finishing you songs?" -Ashleigh A: Probably never. I kinda like the rough draft state they are in. I don't know what keeps me from going to a recording studio and doing them right, or sitting down to try to finish the lyrics...maybe I feel like I don't have time, maybe I spend too much time interacting with people, which leaves no time for me to do anything constructive for myself...maybe it's because I really want to play SHOWS, and until I can get chris to commit to that, making a CD or anything seems really pointless to me. I want to sing, I don't want to only sell recorded copies of a CD and not get to do the other part.
Q:"when are u finishing school (as in graduating)?" -Iris A: Hopefully June of this year. But I need to take like 40 more units this year, after I finish the 22 I'm taking right now, in order to do that. So if I don't get into a class I need or if something small goes wrong, school will take longer.
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!!! somewhere in the shuffle of chris not picking me up from school today, and me being stranded with and without marcy for 6 hours after school, (causing me to not get home until 11pm,) i lost my notebook!! in other words, i lost ALL my HOMEWORK that's due thursday, and ALL my NOTES!! i'm a smart little child, and i put my phone number and email address in it...i think...or was that my dance notebook? either way, it's got SOMEONE's contact info in it (my acting partner's info...haha) so someone should be able to get ahold of me somehow...right?! hopefully? please? pretty please can i have my homework/notebook back?
waaaah!! and this was going to be such a good day...a day to relax for once, and not go out, and maybe even watch movies *gasp!* yes, i actually just said that. watch movies. (something i can rarely find the patience to do.) it was going to be that kind of day. and after getting time to relax, i was going to do all my reading for the next 2-3 weeks, so that i would have no stress or other homework while working on memorizing my monologue...
BUT NO!, nothing ever wants to go as planned! and again i found myself going through yet another LONG LONG LONG day of hell, when all i wanted to do was rest!! and now i realize that my notebook is gone on top of everything else!!!
can't life be good for just ONE DAY?!?!?! i swear this place we call earth is really just secretly hell.
you were waiting for her to speak but she didn't open her mouth this time waiting for her to let go when she already had until you pulled her back in waiting for her to say it that there's nothing left to save that there's no future here there's nothing, there's nothing here but you know it too well: there's only nothing everywhere.
there just isn't anything worth writing about. thursday i went to livewire and then hung out with gabe. friday i went to vice versa and then to an after party with caryn and lance. saturday i went to justin's housewarming party and then to angie's party for edgar's birthday. sunday i went to the airport bar with mateo and then to the sidebar to eat free pizza with shiloh. today i went to a party at a house that was on 30 acres and met peter fonda.
each night has it's own little story of course, but nothing has made me extremely happy, and nothing has been too exciting. everything just "exists" ...each day blends into the next and they all seem the same. nothing is wildly fun, nothing makes me laugh. it is all just a waste of time. but then isn't everything?
The boy that i've been kinda seeing for the last 3 weeks is super cool because he's never ever done drugs EVER, just like me! And he also doesn't do the whole drunk driving thing, which everyone else i know does. And he doesn't smoke, thank god. Finally a "good" person... yay! I don't think he really likes me very much though, I'm not sure, maybe he does. I think he's maybe just a lot like me and not really ready to be in a new relationship or anything. I hate that I always seem to find the right people at the wrong time.
i thought i had my old mother back for a minute, but then suddenly she was mean. this has happened at least twice now. i'm soft and open just for a minute, but then i'm quickly broken again and i cry, and then go back to being mean.
"home" is gone forever. i guess chris is my new home for sure. he's already exactly like family, a lot like a brother or something...
did you know that i have a forum? i didn't know that i had a forum!!... i mean of course i kind of know, but i usually forget that it exists, for MONTHS and MONTHS at a time! today is one of those days where i found it again!!
go talk to each other in the forum!! about 800 people a day come to this site, that should be enough to make the forum work, right??!!? maybe everyone is just too diverse to talk to anyone else...i dunno...but yeah if EVERYONE that reads THIS goes and says something RIGHT NOW, it should work, so go! click here and talk to each other about anything. politics, makeup, music, webdesign, etc... (oh and be warned, you might have to register twice to get the stupid thing to work...)
soooo i answered a few comments, just a few, but that's still better than nothing. i'm at school, because 2 of my classes got cancled and i have to wait around here until 5pm (or hopefully 4) for my acting partner...because we have a 20 minute improv scene to do tomorrow and we have to figure out our story line and costumes, props, etc... but yeah, that wasn't my point. my point is that it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice to be on a fast computer once again!! i have dial up at home and it is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo slow and so is my computer!... but yeah, that's one big reason why i never comment anymore, it takes waaaaaay too long for the stupid comments to load, etc. all my comments are just emailed to me, so i don't have to wait too long to read them, but i swear, on my computer, leaving 3 comments could take an hour!
1. i don't think i'll ever be able to fall in love again. i'm broken! and boys aren't romantic enough anymore these days. or, at all.
2. i really hate most UCSD students. they seem to think that they are so much better than everyone else in this really arrogant kind of way. and they really actually believe that they really are better than everyone else in the world, even other ucsd students. it really has nothing to do with ucsd, just the people who ended up there, but yeah, so many of them suck. a few are ok though. like 10 or so. (haha)
foriegn films are always so great. at least all the ones i've ever seen have been good. the humour is always so great, and never lame like american comedies... (lame american comedy = stuff like the movie "dodgeball") but yeah, today i watched a dutch film called "Antonia's Line" in class, (in the same class that is having a house party where we get to meet Peter Fonda from Easy Rider, whoever he is). but yeah, the humour and ending were very french, and it was especially good because one of the characters had my "life is meaningless, we should just not exist, and if we do exist, we should die" type of thinking.
i just can't help it: i'm only attracted to damaged people. i used to think that it was a choice, that i liked people who had been through a lot because i could help them, make them feel better, understand them, whatever. now i'm finding that i have to have people like this, or else i go crazy. they are they only ones that can understand me, and they are the only ones that seem to be emotionally honest and open, and not so overly caught up in the "fun" part of life. i just can't understand 'normal' boys. i can't relate to them. nothing. they're cute and things, and i try really really hard to like them, but it just doesn't work!! and i'm also starting to (re-)figure out, for sure this time, that i'm on about the same level as a 40 year old. even people close to 30 still just don't seem to be in the same place that i am. some are almost there, but there's always something missing....oh god, and people my own age, at least some of them, are SO DUMB!! this boy was talking to Marcy and I the other day and it was like "wow, this boy has no idea about ANYTHING" ...and with that said, i just decided that i recommend college, for everyone. even if it doesn't benefit you career-wise, it will at least allow you to learn a lot of things about life, and figure out a lot of things on your own, so that you will never look as stupid as that boy... but honestly, sometimes, i think that there are some people out there that are not even capable of understanding things, almost like their brains are less developed than other peoples...is that what IQ is all about? I really think that being "smart" is really all about being ABLE to learn and process information and figure things out, not really about knowing anything real...that's just a good memory. just because your computer has a memory doesn't make it smart! i think it's wrong to call people who know lots of things "smart" some of those people may ALSO be smart, but that is NOT the same thing as just knowing facts...being smart is the ability to figure out things on your own. or understanding others who have different points than you do. and so on... time for homework, goodbye.
today i had to see this thing called "Trolly Dances" for school. they dragged us all over downtown san diego to watch dances in different locations. we took the trolly twice to get to some of them, which is why it was named what it was. Anyway, it was modern dance, and i'm not really too into watching things like that, or really watching anything at all, because i'd much rather be *doing* something instead, but it was actually really really cool. the dance that my teacher and a boy were in was the best. they danced on one of the fountains that looks just like a sidewalk with holes on it. they danced to an electric violin and some DJ's that were spinning wordless underground hip hop type stuff. the water was shooting up as they danced, and it was just so beautiful and it looked like they were having so much fun, and they even looked in love.
it really makes me wish that i had someone to dance in the fountain with. dancing like that, all modern and stuff. in daylight. it reminded me of the kind of fun that chris and i used to have. playing at the beach in the water, not caring what anyone thought of us. of course i'm never happy to just *watch* something, *watch* someone dancing and having fun...i won't be happy until i get to do it too. which sucks, because again, it involves another person, and pretty much everyone i know is too insesure, or too worried about what everyone thinks about them to have fun like that. kind of like people who are against PDA...as a girl was saying last night, if you're really in love, you don't care about PDA, you don't care what other people think of you, you are in your own little world, and you're happy....
after the show (which i went to with my mom, btw), i ran into a girl (heather) from my dance class and her little girl. while we were waiting for the trolly to go back, her little girl started climbing up the trolly stop thingy. i wanted to climb on it too, even if i'm not really 5, but i didn't want to seem/feel weird, so instead of just following the little girl, i got heather to climb up it too. then we decided to dance on it. (with modern dance, you can do that kind of thing). it was sooo fun. we were climbing and twirling around the bars. when the trolly came, we played in there as well. we swung around the bars and everywhere, "dancing". after that we found some rails (near some skateborders) and danced/played on those as well. we're going to ask our teacher if we can do our final downtown and then video tape it...
i had so much fun last night...first i went to a BBQ with my friend, at chris's boss's house and that was pretty boring because everyone there was really old. and it's not really that they were old that was the problem, it was more that they are the kind of people that act old, because i also have lots of friends that are old and are still fun and will run around and play instead of standing and blah. chris was so bored that he went in the closet and layed down! hahaha. but yeah, so i invited my friend Mac to that as well and we were so bored that we left and got to transport way too eary. i went with my other friend to the record store and we bought a cure record while wandering around. i danced with angie and linda and some other people i know and the music was really good for the most part. afterwards angie and i decided that we should hang out some more, so we got the address of the after party from morgan. we picked up Janet and Marty from Gabe's house (but not Gabe) and went off on the adventure of trying to find the address. when we got there, Angie and I went around with empty mugs that had ice in them, begging for parts of people's drinks like homeless people begging for change. "drinks for the poor!" it was sooooo much fun! i also ran into Jason Hill, someone Mia and I met 2+ years ago, that i've been saying i was going to hang out with but never did. (he used to be in the band "convoy" now he's in "Louie XIV") but i only said hi and then ran off to do something more interesting. Angie, Janet, and I found some wine (which we also put in our cups of ice) and went on the patio and talked. we also met another girl who was pretty cool, but i can't remember her name, of course. then we had to go because Janet and Marty wanted to leave or something, so we hung out at Marty's and Gabe's house for a bit and Janet made us reeeeeeeaaaaally super good red-flavored martinis. then Janet made us go home because "gabe was trying to sleep" ...so Angie and I went and talked out in my (chris's) car for awhile until her friend Ricardo made her take him home. the end.
i feel so alone. it's making me feel like i can't do anything. it seems to hard to get food, or to sleep, write emails, anything. i wonder if chris paid the rent? where is chris anyway?
he was SO MEAN to me ALL DAY. incredibly mean without reason. then after being sooooo mean, he still expected me to be nice to him and give him money to go out. HA HA.
livewire is so much fun (on thursdays, at least)...last night i got to see my sarah! (which is a rare thing to get to do these days, because she's living far away now and has work as well...), but yeah. we got all dressed up like normal people (yes, i actually wore PANTS! JEANS...! it's a miricle!), well, not too normal, but just not over-dressed like we normally are...anyways, and then we went and hung out at livewire. and it was soooo fun...it felt like junior high kind of, haha...lots of people i know and kinda know hang out there and so we were talking to them, and then we were meeting new people, kind of...and gabe was there ♥ ...and the music was good...and even though there's no dancing there, it's still so great... it's actually better that way. it really is like going to junior high, at lunchtime, hanging out with all these people you know, and ones you see a lot and don't know, all in one place...it really makes me not want to leave san diego...
