"Cesar Chavez was not a hero"... ...well, actually he was (a hero), but i need a counter-arguement for my paper that says he wasn't. anyone have any ideas of what books (ok, or webpages) might help with this? (i need to quote things)... i have one idea, but for some reason, i think that no matter what counter-argument i use, my paper is going to seem too "easy" because, um, hello, of course Chavez was a hero (unless you are racist and/or some other things), he has streets named after him! ... i think it's hard to argue anything against him...
but yeah, anyone have any ideas??? help!!!! Or if someone wants to *write* the counter-arguement for me, i'll give you a cookie...mmmm...Oreos...chocolate chip...(is it working?!) haha
p.s. if you have no idea who Cesar Chavez is, you REALLY should consider going to college...
oh how fun! i just checked my old email account, and there are 14,581 unread emails in there! i hope that they are ALL spam, because i'm doing to delete them ALL. never ever send me email to my old account, no, no, no! that place has become too scary to even look at anymore...actually, i don't even know HOW to delete that many emails...i don't have time for that...grrrrrrrr....i wish they would just go away!!
By now, you should know who this quote is talking about
"well about 2 weeks before her passing her boyfriend was coming down to visit her and died in a car crash on the way over and christina blamed herself for his death...so she was depressed for the next 2 weeks...and the day she died she wrote on an online journal around 4am saying that when she closes her eyes she only sees her boyfriend's face...she then took a lot of pills with alcohol or something like that then her roomate found her an hour later dead in her bed..."
it's funny, when i started with this whole thing, i thought that her death had something to do with UCSD-caused depression or some other kind of depression, and it turns out that while it WAS suicide after all, it was for a completely different reason... how sad, the poor kids... hopefully they are together in heaven or something.
there have been SO many times when my boyfriend has been SO late that i was insanely worried that he had died on the way to visit me...and then her boyfriend actually DID die while coming to visit her...kind of gives me the chills...i used to have this rule that i would NEVER leave anyone when we were mad at each other, just incase one of us died when we were apart...maybe i should go back to being that way... because you never really know if you are going to see people again, anything could happen to them, or you...
OK, so tell me, which of you is bitter or mad at me or hates me and why?
part of a comment said "i honestly used to email her but she hasnt emailed me back in like over a year and a half -- but she used to reply daily. she's totally changed."
I am terribly sorry that I don't write people back like i used to, but i DON'T HAVE TIME. Seriously, is that too hard a concept to understand??? I've written only about 15 people back in the last year. And that was completely at random.
Time goes by faster as you get older...and I'm never on the computer anymore. i don't have TIME for that. I haven't even found the time to order an external harddrive case, or time to spend with my mom who lives right next to me. I haven't seen my friend Patrice in like YEARS now, or my uncle or my grandmother.
Honestly, if I don't have time to talk to the "real" people in my life, or to even take care of all the little things i need to get done, can you really expect me to have time to answer 1,256 emails from strangers?????????
It's not that I don't want to, or that i've "changed" it's that i DON'T HAVE TIME. Like right now, I've got to write an 8 page paper, a 12 page paper, a really hard 5 page paper for acting class, a 1 page paper for another class, and so on...
Am i supposed to just fail all my classes and ignore all the real people in my life to try to write back all the people from the internet who have emailed me??? for goodness' sake, i don't even email back most of my own friends!! and i have dial up! it takes like 10 min.s just to OPEN an email!!
what do you want from me???? You guys can not expect me to write back anymore! i just can't do it! you KNOW that. you need to UNDERSTAND it. I barely even have time to keep up this stupid website anymore. Every day i think about abandoning it. I really just don't have time for ANYTHING.
Oh, and i haven't even been to band practice for TWO+ months. doesn't that mean anything to anyone? My guitarist can't even get ahold of me!
So are you telling me that you expect me to write you back when i don't even have time to do things that i'm SUPPOSED to do???
But yeah, so is anyone else bitter at me for not writing them back or anything?????
too much of a good thing really is bad. i didn't ever believe it before, but now i'm sure it's true. deprevation is what causes something to be good. you can't ever miss something if you have it every day. you don't realize the true value of something unless it's gone for awhile. if you have something all the time it becomes just "normal" and ordinary, it's not special anymore. you even start to take it for granted. i love mod furniture, but i think part of the reason i like it is because it's rare, because i don't get to see it very often. if everything was decorated that way, i wouldn't even notice it. i'd end up liking something else instead eventually. because i'd get sick of it. it would seem normal and boring. chocolate ice cream is good, but if you have it every day you start to get sick of it, you long for something else... everything is like that. people see their friends too often and the excitement goes away. people see their boyfriends/girlfriends too much and the magic fades. i go out too much, and so it stopped being fun, it's more like a chore. i even have to force myself to dance, there's no excitement anymore. being made to wait for things and not being given everything you want is what makes life good. the existance of pain makes anything good soooo much better. there are so few holidays in the year, but there's just the perfect amount to make them exciting. too much of a good thing is the worst thing in the world. the best thing to do is to take what you want in small doses...that way the "good-ness" of it will last forever. small amounts of things satisfy you but keep you wanting more, because you never feel you've had enough, so you keep longing for the same things, and hoping for them, and THAT is what makes actually getting them good, which makes life good.
never enough time or money. EVER. i have this feeling that i am going to be "BUSY" ...too busy, for the rest of my entire life. i don't think it's ever going to go away. i'm kind of like those people who never fully come home from work... who are always stressed and eventually get divorced because they neglected their husband/wife because they spent too much time worrying about their job....
that is so me.
the only difference is that i don't ever get paid for anything i do. and it's gotten to the point where i'm so busy that i feel like i need some kind of secretary to do half my work for me...but what work?? what is it exactly that i do???? where on earth does all my time go and why do i feel so stressed out??? i know i have a million things to do, but i also know that i never ever get to the ones that i *want* to do... so i really don't understand. And it really even gets to the point where the things that are supposed to be "fun" in my life feel more like responsiblities... like i force myself to go out on certain days of the week, to see my friends... if it wasn't for that i wouldn't have ANY time for friends. there are all these people i need to call/want to see, but i never ever get time to breathe...much less call anyone...
where do you people get all your time? where do you get all this free time to just sit on the computer and look at websites??? i would KILL to be able to have that kind of time... i'm really at the point where i want to say that i don't even have time to *write* on a website anymore...
but seriously, everyone has all these friends that they see and call on a regular basis, but where do people find time to just waste like that? i want time to waste!! is there some store somewhere that sells extra time or something? i want some!!
on top of never having time, i so do not have enough money either, EVER. chris and i just went to the grocery store yesterday for the first time in months, yes, months, and we really shouldn't have, because as it is we soooooo do not even have close to enough money to pay the rent... oooh i am so stressed....
Oh wow. It was her. for sure. Look NOW: eungee.com
how terrible. she was in this world just a week or so ago, and now she is gone. forever. i didn't know her in person or anything, but i saw life in her words and now that writer isn't here anymore. it makes me want to cry. and anyone could go away that easily. remember that, and be nicer to the people around you...
(i still can't help but wonder if she killed herself though...)
i've been looking at her friend's websites for hours. (Instead of sleeping...grrr)
She was a singer too. Everyone should go listen to her music ...
Ok, so i've gotten a few emails over the past few months from people wanting to buy my CD...(one already got sent to a college radio station...weee!)
(and of course, like all the other emails and comments, i didn't respond to those either...yet. [she doesn't even talk for money!! LOL!])
but yeah, if anyone wants to buy a CD of my music, in the condition that it is in, you can do either of these things: ------------------------------------------- 1) Send me $6 for the CD plus $4 shipping and handling (AKA: packaging material & things) = $10 total and YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS!!! to: May* 302 Thorn Street Box #0010 San Diego, CA 92103
or
2) put $10 or $11 into my paypal account with notes saying: "send me a CD! NOW!" and your name and address!!!! Also, if you do that, send me an email saying that you sent money for a CD via pay pal and give your paypal name and email, so that i will go check my paypal account.... -------------------------------------------
And some day, when i am rich and famous (yeah right, like that will happen, me? MAKE money??? what a joke!) these poor quality, self-produced, rough draft CD's will be rare things worth lots of money... Maybe I'll number and sign them like those silly little plates you buy on infomercials.... LOL!!
coin operated boy sitting on the shelf he is just a toy but i turn him on and he comes to life automatic joy that is why i want a coin operated boy
made of plastic and elastic he is rugged and long-lasting who could ever ever ask for more love without complications galore many shapes and weights to choose from i will never leave my bedroom i will never cry at night again wrap my arms around him and pretend....
coin operated boy all the other real ones that i destroy cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll never let him go and i'll never be alone not with my coin operated boy......
this bridge was written to make you feel smittener with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer can you extract me from my plastic fantasy i didnt think so but im still convinceable will you persist even after i bet you a billion dollars that i'll never love you will you persist even after i kiss you goodbye for the last time will you keep on trying to prove it? i'm dying to lose it... i want it i want you i want a coin operated boy.
and if i had a star to wish on for my life i cant imagine any flesh and blood could be his match i can even take him in the bath
coin operated boy he may not be real experienced with girls but i know he feels like a boy should feel isnt that the point that is why i want a coin operated boy with his pretty coin operated voice saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me straight and to the point that is why i want a coin operated boy.
So my school sent out a notice that someone named Christina Cho AKA 'Chi' "passed away on campus Sunday evening." They didn't say how. But it seemed SLIGHTLY like she might of killed herself because it said "Christina's family has requested that their privacy be respected and sensitivity extended in the announcement of her passing." So i decieded to look her up on the internet, to see if anything said how she died. No luck. BUT i did find a blog belonging to a Christina Cho at UCSD, and there are TWO Christina Cho's at my school, so i wonder if this is the dead girl's blog or not: Eungee.com ...I wonder if it really is HER blog, and I wonder if she did kill herself?...It would be strange to read the blog of someone who died. Someone who was just alive days ago and is now gone. Someone we might have wanted to be friends with, but can't now. Someone who will never ever write anything ever again...Someone who won't ever be able to answer your questions, or read your emails...It's so horrible to know that someone was THERE, behind that computer screen, someone was alive, and now they are GONE. Forever...
The question is, is Eungee.com HER blog? or the blog of some other girl that is still alive somewhere?
almost half a million people have visted this site... after about 5,500 more people visit my site, the counter will reach 500,000! that will be in about a week from now, if everything goes as usual...
whoever comes to my site and sees 500,000 as their number gets a prize! email me a screenshot of the counter at that number and we'll talk...
so to school, (this year at least), i wear somewhat normal things. actually, i look like i just fell out of bed, but that's the only version of dressing "normal" that i can bare to do. i have dance/theatre classes, and so i (have to) wear pajama-like dance pants to school and wife-beater type shirts that are wrinkled. i don't bother to brush my hair, and i don't do my make-up. i look completely terrible on school days. i even *feel* like i look terrible, that's how bad it is.
BUT, i don't care. it's kind of nice to look extra-ugly, and to be able to fade into the background, to be invisible if you want to be. if you don't talk, then no one can see you. If people so see me, they don't judge me, or if they do, it'd because they think i look so sloppy and ugly. But that's okay, because i MEAN to look that way, i KNOW i look that way. It's much easier than being in *my* normal state of dressed up. When i'm dressed up i have to deal with people judging me, assuming things about me, staring at me, and giving me dirty looks.
It's so completely hard to dress up. You have to REALLY not care about what anyone else thinks, but on top of that you have to deal with all the criticism that comes from it. You have to deal with the fact that the people who would have normally liked you for your personality can't see your personality when they first meet you, all they can see is the clothing and whatever images and stereotypes go along with that clothing. So the people who would have liked you now hate you at first sight and you really have to fight hard to make them see who you are. Kind of like being blonde. When you are blonde and dressed up, people really do assume that you are dumb, or snobby, stuck-up, preppy, Paris Hilton, vally girl, etc... You have to PROVE to people that you are not dumb, that you are not who they think you are. It gets REALLY annoying.
It's kind of like being this little happy colorful child trapped in a Gothic person's body. Everyone would expect that person to be dark and gothic and blah blah blah, but really the person inside is so very different than it's outside look... something like that. Stereotypes are horrible, and should go away!!
But then again, a lot of the time stereotypes and lables are somewhat accurate. You see a person dressed in colorful beads and colors and it turns out that they ARE a raver, and they dress that way because of the ideals of being a raver/candy kid. (love, happiness, etc...being like a kid) You see someone with "electro" hair and you know, JUST by looking at them, that they listen to electro/indie/80's and music like that. Sure, they might listen to a lot of other music as well, but the fact that they have their hair that way tells you what music they listen to, for the MOST part, at least. It's the things that people like and do that causes them to dress certain ways. (a lot of the time). But with me, (and other fashion people, like Linda) it's different. you have to see more than one outfit to understand. i like so many things so it causes me to dress all sorts of ways, and i like art and creativity, and fashion, and so that results in even more styles... so that can confuse the people who judge based on looks. On top of that, most people who judge based on looks are unaware what the different styles mean and get their assosiations wrong. Like some really lame ignorant people think "short skirt = slutty, whore, trashy, un-classy" instead of "short skirt = cute, fun, 80's, electro, dancing, (or whatever)" [...And let's face it, if you REALLY go dancing (this means dancing for like 2-6 hours without really stopping, not just hanging out at a bar/club), you get REALLY hot. Hotter than summer. And if you wear pants out dancing, you are an idiot! You are dumb, thoughtless, and so on. Either that or you care too much about what other people: you think that people will think you are un-classy, you care that people will think you are fat, and so on... The only good reason to wear pants would be that it was cold BEFORE you went out. But then that's thoughtless. You have to think ahead and know that you will be dancing and then wear a skirt. (And then of course, there's other option: you wear pants out dancing because you like to be hot and sticky and sweaty and have your pants stick to your legs!)]
But anyways, my point was that sometimes it's really nice to just blend in and not be stared at like you are some kind of alien from mars. But then again, I feel icky and blah and depressed and tired when i don't dress up...So either way i can't win!
i'm not too sure how much longer i can go on like this. never enough sleep. or anything. i swear i like almost live at school, and when i'm not at school there's too much homework due the next day, and if not that, then something else. This whole week i've been at school or out getting things for school until like 9 or 10pm. And tomorrow, i have to wake up at 9-ish and i won't get back until like 11:30 at night, because i have to go see a play for school. And then i WANT to go see my friends like i do every thursday night, so i'll try to force myself to do that and get home at 2am, and then i'll have to wake up early on friday to shoot films. i might have to re-shoot some scenes from the last one, and i might be doing another little one. and then when i'm done with those i'll have homework and on and on an on...
i'm soooooooooooo tired that i can't even think. but no, i don't get to sleep, i get to read and study for a quiz! yay!
Sometimes it feels like i'm not even allowed to feel my own feelings anymore. Like they're wrong, like the exact facts are more important than the way I feel. Like the way i feel can't possibly exist. Shouldn't exist. But let me tell you, it DOES. And no alteration of facts can change the fact the what i feel is true.
(and this we try to call "writing" [and oh so un-edited as well]): Broken Hearts? Ha. You want to talk about broken hearts? Crying and sad and "poor me" and "oh i'm going to kill myself." I can tell you all about broken hearts. broken hearts are NOTHING. They are just broken. They are soft. In time they mend, they get better. But when you've had your heart RIPPED OUT, that's something more. That's something different. When you've had you heart taken out and thrown repeatedly against the wall, and stomped on, and crushed, jumped on, burned, so many times that there isn't anything left of it...when there isn't a heart anymore. when you can't cry, when you can't feel, when you can't care...that's not so easily mended. That's when broken hearts are nothing. When you have no heart anymore, there's nothing left to break. Nothing gets hurt anymore. You don't feel. You don't love. You don't miss. You don't need. You don't care. You can't. You can't feel compassion for anything anymore, you just stand there, staring blankly at it, wondering why it's crying? what's wrong with it? if you kick it will it shut up? if you kill it will it go away? You don't cry; you get mad. You don't pout; you fight back. You don't lay down and die; you scratch their eyes out. You don't want to do anything right anymore. Because there isn't a reason. Because you tried that already. Because you tried that already 8 million times, and it didn't work. Because you did everything right and everything they wanted and STILL they murdered you. Because you tried and tried your hardest until there was nothing left of you, but you still got NOWHERE. You went backwards. You lost more than there was to start with. Because you're less than nothing now. Because it doesn't matter anymore. Because NOTHING matters anymore, because NOTHING does anything anymore. Because you played by their rules and they still cheated you. Because they took everything and left you there. Face down in the dirt, after pushing you. When you have no heart, you have no hope. You don't want to try anymore. There ISN'T a happy ending. There isn't a possibility of anything anymore. There's nothing to try for. You try and get nowhere, get nothing, so why try anymore? why try ever again? why try when no matter how good you are, you will be slaughtered anyway? why not just be horrible and awful. Why not just kick things, and kill things? Why care? Why love? Why have compassion? Why try to fight against what you have become? Why pretend to have a heart when you don't have it anymore? When it's laying bleeding on someone's driveway somewhere? Why go on? Why try to explain when no one will ever understand? Why say i'm sorry when i really just hope you die? Why say i'm sorry when i'm not? Why say i'm sorry for something you did? Why grieve over something that wasn't real? why care about something that only existed in our minds? it didn't exist because you made it that way. and she laughs at me. that same laugh... echoing all around me. she doesn't know. she never will know. but she thinks she knows what was true and what she thinks was true was true, but it wasn't true, but she can't understand that part, and so she laughs. a haunting laugh. and you let her win, get her way, spoiled as always. so spoiled and selfish and undeserving, taking, taking, feeding off the souls of everyone around, but still that phone rings. covered in my blood. guiltless blood that was taken to feed her never ending appetite. guiltless blood that caught your tears and listened to your stories. Self-sacrificing blood that was taken and sacrificed some more, in return for all the love it had given. "Murder love. Kill it. Kill it for the sake of the greedy, who can never get enough, who will never stop taking. Kill Love to feed the monster as she breathes sticky hot air on your neck. Rip hearts out to feed her growing hunger. Rip, rip. rip. Tear up Love. Rip it to shreds." When Love had been nothing but good to you. When love had been nothing but understanding. When Love had been quite while you hurt it, understanding, understanding, understanding, be quiet Love! be understanding. When Love held it's tongue as you murdered it. "Kill Love. Kill everything that is good. Everything that is good has done nothing to you, so kill it!" And you did. And then Love was dead. And Rage was born, Anger was born, and Hate. Bitterness. Your children. They spilled out of the dead girl's mouth and tore up everything that was in their path. They blindly wandered around without a heart, a mother, without Love to watch out for them...
...and I have NO idea where I'm going with this anymore, I was just writing my thoughts and they seem to have turned themselves into a story that has no ending, and so this lack of an ending shall be the end...
i give up. this is just too stressful! i don't want friends anymore! i just do not have time to have friends AND go to school at the same time. every moment that i go out (to hang out with friends at clubs, etc) is "stolen" time ...time that i should be doing homework with. and then people expect me to talk on the phone with them and respond to emails as well. i'm sorry, if i am in the middle of doing something, i'm not going to answer my phone! too bad! i just don't have time to spend every second of every day devoted to other people!!! i'm sick of it! i don't even hardly accomplish anything for myself, i'm constantly trying to comfort people and help people with their problems and help work out situations and then on top of that i've got friends from LA, that i hardly even know in the first place scolding me for never talking to them!! i listen to them, isn't that enough???? i don't want to have to tell them about my life or my weekend...i just don't care about that stuff...it's not worth my time to talk about my things. if they care they can come here and read. that's the whole point of this stupid waste of time website. more time devoted to other people. i just thought it would make more sense to tell one website than 49494545 seperate people.
i don't know where everyone else gets all this free time to just "hang out" and "do nothing" and have friends...but i just don't seem to have it!! i don't even have time to REST. i've painted my nails only 3 times in the last 4+ years, that should MEAN something. if i don't even have time to take care of myself, if i don't even have time to practice with my band, if i don't have time to brush my hair, then really, how the hell am i supposed to have time for all the people i know and care about??? i just don't!!! even to have ONE friend requires SO MUCH work and time and effort and i just don't have anymore energy left for that!! i want to just disappear from people and from school and go to sleep! sleep, sleep, sleep, the sleep i never get!
when do i get to have time for ME? when do i get to do things for ME and MY LIFE? what about MY goals? why do i have to spend ALL my time on other people???? if i gave each person i consider a friend just 10 minutes of my time each day, i would be up for over 24 hours a day. that's not even counting internet people!!!
maybe i should just get rid of my phone, and my email account, and just everything so that people will stop expecting too much from me!! i'm going to die of being over-stressed!!!!!!! and now on to write a 2 page paper, i'm too tired to even think, and i'm not going to get enough sleep tonight and i'm going to have to leave my house at 9:30 and i won't get back till late at night because i have to work with my partner for my acting class, and i don't even know my lines and we have to do our scene wednesday and just seriously, i'm going to die of stress and tiredness! and on top of all this, i'm sick!! can't a girl even have a day to rest when she's sick??????? no. i guess not.
what type of music do you listen to? what are your 5 favorite bands? and what are 10 bands that you *currently* listen to/like? (leave your answers in the comments box)
ick. i'm drinking something called "diet sprite Zero" ...i grabbed it for fun (and didn't see the 'diet' part), and it turned out to be the worst thing in the world. it's even as bad as diet coke....eeeeewwww...but yeah, if you like diet coke, you might like it. it has the same horrible after-taste!
we got new windows put in our apartments, and i don't like them!! they are the kind of glass that's slightly tinted and protects you and your house from the bad rays of sun...but they make the house look darker and colder....i'd rather have my furniture be ruined and faded then have to live with these windows! i want my old early 20th century windows back! waaaaaaah!
Angie and I went to see the Faint on saturday and we had SOOOOO much fun! we got there a little late ...but somehow we got through the entire crowd and got to the front in less than 5 minutes...(it usally takes like 30 min.s to get through, but we were so drunk that we weren't as shy/timid while trying to get through the people...) and it was so great, we actually danced! then when it was over, we realized that Angie had lost her keys somewhere, so we went searching for them with no luck. Angie's friend Angela saved us though. we went to denny's with her and met some of our guy friends there. the boys were being soooooo super lame and boring, so we took off running full speed out the door, leaving them to pay for Angela's milkshake... it was sooo fun!!! ... we spent the rest of the night dancing at the whistle stop and having fun with our FUN friends...haha...Angie's brother brought her extra keys and we had my friend Justin take us to get her car... then we almost went to mexico to dance more, but decided not to at the last minute...the end.
here's the link to the other little student film i've been working on lately: echo
we are either done filming or almost done filming, and the story didn't turn out to be exactly what the website says it was, but oh well...
working with other people REALLY makes me want to make my *own* film, design my own sets, do everything myself, because i think things would turn out a lot better that way...or at least i would rather work with artists than just kids in film classes ...because as wonderful as they are, none of them are ever quite prepared enough...and they don't seem to pay enough attention to detail at all...
i just did SO bad at an audition type thing... there was this talent search thing that came to my school today, and i decided to do it, because it was there, and why throw away an opportunity just because i'm scared to death? but yeah...if you win, you get a car, or to meet some people in hollywood and stuff...
but anyways, i had a monolouge memorized, so i tried to do that. but it was too hard, because there was a camera, and a mic. ...and no chair! my monolouge kind of needed a chair...and how on earth are you supposed to do a monolouge with a mic?? and in front of a camera??!?! and it wasn't just a camera, it was 3 people as well, so i didn't know whether to face them or the camera... and i tried to ask, but no one was helpful ...and it was just so confusing, and i was so nervous that i screwed up ALL my lines and just did a horrible job overall. it was terrible!! at least it doesn't really matter, but i still feel terrible! the girls said it wasn't bad, that they had seen worse, but really, it was SO bad...AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
a thousand faces i wanted to see all there together and perfect music the right lighting and everything the way i wanted it to be
but depression.
and you and me dream hopelessly talking on and on to those a waste of time as we clutch on to false hope hang on to its threads without reason with too much reason but never enough of something.
i had soooooo much fun last night! i thought for sure that i would just be miserable, and not have fun. i almost didn't even go out. i was soooooooo tired and stuff. but as usual, i dragged myself out as tired as can be and i had one of the funnest nights of my life!! really. it was THAT fun. everything was so perfect. Jason and Linda and my gay boys Justin, Trevor, and Justin's Chris and I all went to see Felix da Housecat. Felix was pretty good at keeping us dancing (unlike 99.9999999% of our san diego DJ's...) and so was Von and the "brothers" as we started calling them. But the fun part was that we all went up on the little stage (other people were up there too) and pretended to be go-go dancers (for those of you that don't know, a go-go dancer just means anyone that is paid to dance at a club). We posed and played and had SO much fun dancing with each other...Gay boys are the best thing in the world to dance with. And jason was my pretend gay boy and linda was my pretend girlfriend. we were all like a family together. i am so in love with my friends! they are the best things in the whole world!
(p.s. the security people at L5 SUCK!! stupid mainstream places!! they even made jason take off his hat!!)
As fun as tonight was, the fun is gone now, and i really wonder why people even bother to have fun. It seems so pointless, it just goes away. Eating candy is also pointless. everything is pointless... But i'm not depressed this time. just an observation.
oh and: I LOVE MY CHRIS!! (even though he never ever goes out with me anywhere)
it's so funny, (strange, i mean)... i am so passive and shy around some people, and then i am so the oppostie around other people...
like i absolutely hate to have to rely on other people to take me places, can't ask someone to pick me up, just can't do it!
but then there are those few people that i'm close enough to to actually feel halfway okay with them taking me places... usually only HALFWAY. it's still extremely hard.
i would almost rather just not go out then have to ask someone to take me, i feel so bad not having a car of my own. i so badly need a car, so that i can just go around and offer rides to the people that don't have cars, so that they don't ever have to feel as bad as i do...so that if i go in someone else's car it's because they offered to take me, and not because they "have to" ...
like for example, my friend justin is going to felix (da housecat) tonight, but first he's having this thing at his house, and i was supposed to go with my friend, but he decided not to go, which is REALLY annoying because i waited to make plans to go to justin's until AFTER i had found someone to go to his house with...but then the second i did that, my other friend cancled. and linda tells me that i should just say "hey justin, come pick me up! my friend ditched out on me" ...but that is really just too hard for me to do. i don't want to have to be his responsibility, you know?
i am so stupid. why can i not keep from repeating my mistakes!?!?! as hard as i try, it just doesn't work. of course it wouldn't be so hard if the circumstances were different...
i make plans in my head, and then some other factor comes in and everything i was doing so good at goes out the window. a weak poor example of this is that i planned to go home at 2am last night, so that i could get enough sleep for my film and so on. but instead, i ended up hanging out with people, because of another certain person who makes me go crazy somehow. (the kind of crazy where you want to kill things).
someone once told me (in real life) that i shouldn't be so vague on my website about the things i write. but a lot of the time, i don't want people to know what i'm talking about exactly. i purposely write things so that people don't know who or what i'm talking about, because i WANT it that way. i like it that way. As much as it may seem like i put my whole life on a website, i don't at all. there are so many more things i could write, but they are just not necessary. i write what i NEED to write. for me. nothing more and nothing less. if someone wants to know more, they can move to california and be my friend! (i would say email me, but i don't seem to respond to those anymore. not yet at least.)
ok kids, i need your advice... so i'm happy with the way my songs are: guitar + vocals, nothing more. but i want to play shows. i don't want to be just some recording artist or something, i actually want to *sing* ...so i'm thinking that i need drums + bass + maybe keyboards in my songs to play places... but here's the problem, how could i possibly put drums into my songs without ruining them? what do you guys think? what do my songs need? what should i do? help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and i think that maybe i'm done trying to be in other people's bands. that's way too ridiculous. i'm way too controlling for that. i need to have my own band with my own ideas...i need to be the one to set up practices and book shows, tell people what i want the songs to sound like... it just doesn't seem to work any other way... i need to do things myself, i can't stand to just wait around for other people to do them... if i knew how, i would make entire songs (guitar, bass, drums, etc) and just hire people to play them. my brother used to do that i think, wrote all his own stuff...
but yeah, anyone have any suggestions for how to add things (drums, etc.) to my songs without making them sound ugly?
last night's adventure: Morgan and I got pulled over for running a stop sign (that was hidden by a tree!)!! between the two of us we got out of getting a ticket, thank god! And i'm also glad that i hadn't been drinking or anything, THAT would have been scary.
Morgan is definately one of the few people i've talked to lately that i've had a real/decent/intelligent, two-sided, (yet fun,) conversation with. i'm starting to think that most of the other people i know have had their brains kidnapped by aliens...
seriously, lately people have been going on and on about NOTHING. these two guys were trying to hit on Marcy and me the other night and didn't say ONE real thing between the two of them...AND they couldn't even dance!! what kind of useless people are they??!? No fun, AND they can't even talk. lovely.
a million voices chattered on filled my head and wrapped themselves around faster and faster the voices swirled begging, pleading; demanding my attention until i could no longer breathe
so i murdered them all one by one and in handfuls until finally there was silence and everything was still i was all alone and went happily to sleep.
it sucks... so i'm taking 22 units, but two of my classes had an easy teacher, so it wasn't going to be THAT bad...but a couple weeks ago our teacher went away for the rest of the quarter, so now i have two new teachers who are actually hard. so now i have more homework and harder finals...grrr!! i guess the lesson here is to never take a class just because it's easy? but you HAVE to try to take easy classes when you are taking 22 units...i just can't win!! The real question is: why o why am i taking theatre history for an ELECTIVE!??!?
crazy ideas so of course i'm joking, but i think that these ideas COULD work:
1) the republicans pay nader to run in the election every year to take votes away from the democrats.
2) 9-11 was really set up by our government, to make America bond together, to be afraid, all so that we would re-elect Bush. And so that the government could have more control. all terrorist threats are completely fake, and all those tapes of bin-ladin are just made in hollywood.
3) voting for president is completely fake. we vote, no one counts our votes. the president just bribes people to be in office.
once again, i repeat, for those of you who are bad at listing, i'm just joking. i don't actually believe these things at all. i'm just saying that they *could* work.
so for halloween, i was a pin up girl-pirate on saturday night, snow white for trick or treating, and then a cat for sunday night. that's all. just answering your question. i wasn't really happy with any of my costumes, they didn't fit right/look right, etc...maybe one day i will spend enough time and energy on ONE costume to make it look right...
chris and i are 99% back together now. i'm allowed to kiss other people, BUT only one person per week, and chris has already made himself that person for this week. (haha). so basically i think we are kinda 100% together but not admitting it.
the problem is that i don't think i'm done being single yet though. not that single even means kissing other people. i just have too much homework and stuff to do, no time to be anyone's girlfriend! i want to be able to go off to vegas with friends for the weekend and not have anyone object to it or be sad...
in otherwords, i wasn't done being selfish. this was the first time in like 7 years that i had gotten to be selfish, and i wasn't done! and of course, i'm choosing to be with chris instead of being selfish, because i love him, but still, i wish i could have a little more time to be free...
it really sucks too, because about 2 months ago, all i wanted was to be with chris, but he didn't want the same thing. and then i learned how to *really* go out with friends and do things alone, and then not being 100% with chris wasn't so bad... and NOW chris wants to be together again. we never ever want the same thing at the same time!! it's so horrible! and i guess the only thing i can do is to go along with what he wants so that i don't screw things up even more than they already are... i know that chris is my soulmate and so i don't want to do anything that hurts him, even if that means giving up things that *i* want to do.
This post is soley for Jill's amusement, as requested: the hate-mails. I absolutely REFUSE to read the long one. I will not give that stupid person a second of my time or energy. So yeah, i'm not sure exactly what it says. Of course, when opening it and posting it here, i've glanced at it, and i can see how insane it is. I really can't understand how ANYONE could be THAT stupid. Seriously. I saw some line in there about buying bread or something, telling me that i spend money on makeup... As far as i know, i still use makeup i've had from 1997, 1998, 2001 and some eyeshadow that marcy got me for half price. I still have the same red lipstick i've had since age 9. That's like 12 years. You are not even supposed to keep makeup more than 6 months! my lipstick doesn't even have a cap! I did buy new eyeliner though, because chris used all my ones from junior high!
and let's see...bread...Yes, darling, i spend all this money on makeup, and you need money for bread. i highly doubt that you don't buy makeup. and i highly doubt that you are poorer than I. I don't eat most days. there isn't any money for food right now. Marcy feeds me sometimes, and Jason feeds me occasionally. My mom feeds me with food she gets from churches for free. Right now I plan to live off Halloween candy until Chris and I get all our bills paid off.
So yeah, seriously, if you are going to write me hate mail, at least do your RESEARCH first, and back up your arguements with actual facts instead of assuming things. Sound educated and not like a complete idiot.
And by the way "rawk" is not a word. I think that's something that avril lavigne invented. You sure look EXTRA mature and "punk" by using that word. Seriously, I have a really hard time believing that anyone who listens to "real" punk would actually use such an immature trendy "word" like that, but maybe that's just me.
and here are the hate mails....
#2) "This email was written by bITcH @ YourAditchPiG@fuckyou.com -- sent (California time) on: Monday, October 25 at 08:27:23 PM.
Comments/Message: YOU ARE A FUCKING STUPID GREEDY WHORE! FUCK OFF AND DIE. YOUR CAT TOO. LOL
--------------------- IP: 216.221.81.98 HTTP User Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 5.5; Windows 98; Win 9x 4.90; FDM)"
#1) "This email was written by V @ noreply@thanx.com -- sent (California time) on: Sunday, October 24 at 10:58:04 PM.
Comments/Message: Hello May. I came accross your website tonight. Since you know nothing of me, and I know quite a bit about you from just being on this website, I'll be fair and let you know a few things before I begin. I am a 20 year-old Sales Representative. I'm beautiful, confident and smart. Normally, I wouldnt be bothered with emailing a complete stranger, but at times, another one of my characteristics is, well, being a complete bitch... This is one of those times. I asked my live-in boyfriend of 4 years to join me in looking at your website because I was so amused and shocked. This is the first and last time I will ever look at it. If you actually CAN take negative critisism, here's why... First: You do NOT need donations. Nothing here is really THAT spectacular... and your closet is full of clothes, you have about 24 pairs of shoes, and a whole lingerie store's worth of underwear. People starve and die everyday. People live on the streets with hardly anything but newspaper to keep warm. People that have REAL talent... they deserve donations. As for the money you ask for... I need to buy a loaf of bread and some milk, you need, what?new eyeshadow? lipstick? condoms? Second: I understand you had rough times, your not the only one... but do you really have to advertise it? People will not feel sorry for you... if they do... they are as naive as you are. Third: Almost all of your pictures are trash. You look like a hooker. Your trying to display your wardrobe, your haircolor/style and your body. That is NOT art. I'm not saying someones body cannot be art, I'm saying YOURS cant. At least, not the way you portray it. I bet 99% of the people that come back to this website a 2nd time, are only doing it because they will masterbate to it. Third: Punk is NOT dead. Its little gutter-sluts like you that give punk a bad name. Dont wear clothes and claim they are "punk". This does not make you "cool". lol. That was sarcastic. I apologize. I'll make it simple... more so than this entire email has been... Punk rawks. You dont. Now, I would leave my email address so you could have the opportunity to reply... but I'm not going to. Not because I'm afraid of what your going to say, but because you remind me of the movie "Clueless"... and I'm afraid your reply will be similar to something out of that movie. So, thanks for giving me and my boyfriend a good laugh.
--------------------- IP: 216.221.81.97 HTTP User Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 5.5; Windows 98; Win 9x 4.90; FDM)"
