"Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead Yesterday is a promise that you've broken Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes, This is your life And today is all you've got now And today is all you've ever had Don't close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything that you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose?
Yesterday is a kid in the corner Yesterday is dead and over
This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, are you who you want to be? "
by the way, before completely emotionally breaking down (see other posts below), i actually did have SO much fun today. i went sledding with my brother and his cousins, and then later we played hide and go seek....two of the funnest things in the entire world...(and if you did them enough, you would lose weight!)
Mother told me what was going on and i will forever appreciate that... when i was 7...when i was being fought over in court...when i was losing her for the first time, she was the only one who would talk to me, the only one who would let me know what was going on. She was the only one who treated me like a PERSON. everyone else treated me like some object with no brain: like a child. but i wasn't a child, not that kind of child, i don't even think most children are...Children are PEOPLE. I remember THINKING when i was that age, and i have the same brain and the same everything as now. I was no less of a person when i was a child. I remember how horrible is was to be a child, NO ONE WOULD EVER LISTEN to you. They would either pretend to listen or they just wouldn't take my advice (which was ALWAYS RIGHT, which they later found out)...
but yeah, i just remember that day when she told me what was going on. I remember the blue-ish grey look that the room had to it, and a little refridgerater, and V8 juice. I rememeber how much i loved my mom, how close we were, how perfect the entire world was, all because we had each other. nothing else mattered. everything else was wonderful because i was happy. i was happy with her....once upon a time, 15 years ago, i was happy.
all of that is just a distant dream now. that mother just doesn't exist anymore, that ME doesn't exist anymore...we have become distant and bitter and hateful. we had the strongest bond in the world, but they broke it...
it's gone now. she is dead now. i am dead. we are not the same people, it is not the same world.
AND YOU WONDER WHY I AM NEVER HAPPY!!!!!????? How could i ever be happy with anything when i have so many unresolved problems in my life. when everything is such a mess, when i don't have a FAMILY, when nothing is normal anymore...
And here i am looking into the eyes of my little baby brother, my little brother who is turning 13...yet i only know him as a 3 year old...
and he doesn't really know me. and he doesn't know our mom at all. he will never be able to understand her or anything at this point. he has his new mom and his brand name clothing, and his full knowlegde of CPS ...and all the lies about our mom that the social workers had ever brainwashed him with...."is she crazy?" he asked.... No, of course not, but if you saw her now she is...she has gone crazy because her children were taken away, because her life was taken from her, we were all that she had...and now we are gone...we have been gone for 10 years and she will never be able to get us back because we are damaged. we are all ruined and damaged, we don't fit anymore.
(someone just called my cell phone, i bet you 10 million dollars it was her, she can always tell when i'm crying...)
everything is just such a mess, everything is ruined. i so badly wish that our family would have never been broken apart, and seperated for this long. i wish that i could be a normal sister and teach my brother all about life, and not have to remember to shut up, or worry about saying the wrong thing because he is someone else's child with someone else's style of life...
i miss my mom so much...my old mom...i remember once i was flying to alaska to see my aunt, and the plane from seattle to there was delayed...so i called my mom...i wasn't allowed to talk to my mom without someone listening in to our calls, and i was such a good child that calling my mom from the airport felt like such an illegal thing to do...but i was FREE, for that hour, when i was supposed to be on a plane, it was my time...there was no one to tell me what to do, or to watch me...and so i called my mom....what other 15 year old does that? most would take stolen time to do drugs or something...but i just wanted my mom........
nothing will ever be right again, so i might as well just stop trying.
listen listen to your children, listen to children when they talk. they are smarter than they seem... treat them like people...don't ignore them when they are crying...or when they are speaking...even if they annoy you and you are busy...you still have to treat them like they are human...
today i stopped a little boy from crying, twice, just by talking to him. the first time he was crying because he didn't listen to his dad, and got hurt because of it. he hurt his head, and yet he was left to cry on his own after being scolded. he wouldn't stop crying, so i put him on my lap, and he started to stopped crying, because he felt comforted...and then i explained to him that he needs to listen to his dad BECAUSE his dad only tells him not to do things so that he won't get hurt like he did, not because his dad was trying to keep him from having fun, and he understood, and stopped crying.
Kids need to be comforted and they need LOGIC. they need logical explainations for things.
then later he was crying because he didn't want to be "it" (again) when we were playing hide and go seek. his father passed it off as cranky-ness, but it wasn't. I talked to him again while he was screaming, and explained to him that he wasn't the only one that didn't like to be "it" ...that pretty much everyone hates it, but if we all got our way and didn't get to be "it" that we wouldn't be able to play the game, and so we all needed to take turns doing something we didn't really like so that we could have fun. And he UNDERSTOOD. and he stopped crying, and agreed to his turn at being "it" so happily, and the rest of the night he was happy when he had to be "it" ...which was a change from how it had been every time before.
he also got upset at something else, caused by an adult...and i told him that the adult didn't mean to make him feel that way, (sad), that grown ups just don't really understand children ... "i know" he said, looking up at me sadly with his eyes... and it was the saddest thing ever, because i remember being his age (i think he's like 4-6) and i remember how that feels...no one listens, no one understands, no one understands that you are human...
i don't know. and i remember when i did a thing in acting class: me acting like i was 7 years old again, and telling my story (trying to make someone help me get my mom back), and my classmate that i had to turn to for "help" in the scene treated me just like an adult would treat a child... not listening to a word i said, just making conclusions of her own based on the circumstances... that was the worst thing in the world, to feel 7 again, to feel like an unheard child again...and AGAIN knowing that what i was saying was the TRUTH, and that the conclusions of the adults were WRONG.
so yeah...always remember listen to children when they talk to you...
it is so hard for me to just "be" in a situation instead, i'm always analyzing, observing, and never fully involved in anything. everyone else is always caught up in their little worlds, and i just feel like i'm watching...
it takes for me to be extremely mad or sad to actually be involved in any of the petty little things that make up our pathetic pointless world.
in normal life, i just think way too much about everything...everyone will be playing a game, and i'm just watching...i can't get caught up in things in this life, not the way most people do...it's causing me to not even be able to have fun anymore. one day blends into the next and nothing seems different, even when it is. i automatically adapt to every situation i'm in (currently: snow), and hardly even notice that anything is different. it's weird that here i am in snow, and i don't even think: "oh this is different" ...i just automatically put on a jacket and that's it.
and nothing is exciting anymore. not even snow. what is wrong with me??? i feel so apathetic. i don't want to be this way, but it doesn't seem possible to change.
after at least 6 years of people telling me that they would take me... I FINALLY got to go snowboarding for the first time. The only problem is that i had to wait so many years, that i almost didn't even care to try it. I feel too old to learn something new...and tired and weak. I don't have any motivation or passion to do anything. I also feel like I'm not as strong... I don't have that "i can fight anything" feeling that i used to...
i seriously feel so old, and i feel like i have missed so many things in life... there were so many things i wanted to do and didn't get to do, and now i just don't have the energy for anything anymore. i must be at least 80 years old!
I remember being 15 and 16, and I would go into the coldest ocean water, the worst waves, completely fearless, and strong. I went to a punk show and moshed when I was 16, and I remember having so much energy and life back then.
somewhere along the way i let myself get old...or maybe i just got old because i gave up hope, i'm not sure...
People are so incredibly complex It's horrible. It's impossible to tell who is a "good" person and who is "bad" ...everyone is part good, and part bad. no one is completely one or the other, so it makes life really hard. who can you trust? some people you can't ever trust, some people you can only trust *part* of the time. who are you supposed to be friends with? deep down everyone just wants to be loved, everyone wants to feel special, everyone is the same, so how can you not be friends with one person and get rid of others? how can you not be forgiving?
as much as i'd always like to say "i'm better than this. i'm better than you." and walk away from people who cause me pain and destruction SOME of the time, i can't. I can't be that way. I'm way too forgiving. if people are part good, then i forgive them.
and then there are people with good intentions who end up doing bad, and people with bad intentions who do things that are good but for an overall bad reason. so which one is the bad person of the two types? how can you even tell what people's intentions are? people say one thing to one person, and something else to another, and something is a lie, and something is not...it's like some people just try to control everything and treat life like it is somekind of game...
i hate that there is no story-book "good and evil" ...no clear cut lines... bad people do good things too, and good people screw up and do bad things...but it's impossible to tell the difference.
I am too trusting, and too forgiving. I just believe nearly everything that anyone tells me, and i forgive people who do the worst things. I can't get it through my head that people lie. when someone tells me something, i believe them, i trust them. I don't ever doubt them or think that they are lying. i forget that people lie. it's weird to me that people lie. i only lie in extreme circumstances, out of extreme fear. i just can't imagine anyone lying just because they can, or to be manipulative, or to get their way, win their game... i never learned how to lie like that, so i always forget that other people might be lying when they tell me things.
but yeah, and when people do lie to me or hurt me, i give them a million more chances, i don't cut them out of my life. i should, but it's not how i am. i am forgiving, even if i don't want to be... i would love to cut people out of my life, have more time to get things done, but honestly, if i cut people out of my life based on those types of things, there wouldn't be anyone left. at all. all people are part bad...even if they don't mean to be...
but yeah. i hate that i don't even completely ever understand anyone. i think i know them, based on my point of view of them, based on them telling me so, but then i hear all these other things that they have said and done, and i can't help but wonder..."who is this person really?" and when they tell me that the things i've heard are not true, then i wonder if they are lying or not... are the other people lying instead? but why would they lie?
it really just leaves me to believe that i should trust no one. i've always said "TRUST NO ONE"...i've just never been able to remember to do that. Every person I have ever known has screwed me over. I really don't know why I even continue being friends with people. People are all the same... best friends are usually the worst. if they don't steal from you, they will talk about you behind your back. it's guarenteed that they'll do at least one of those things. it's so lovely.
i just wish that something would be true. i wish that i wouldn't hear two completely different vesions of the same fact that conflict each other. why can't people just keep ONE truth and tell that same truth to everyone? why must they tell one thing to one person and something else to another? what is REAL?
soooo i made a song for my friend for christmas... It's the worst cover of Santa Baby you've ever heard...BECAUSE i had to use a SAMPLE of the instrumental version of the song as background music! i had to keep cutting it and using the same parts over and over to record with...(No wonder Mia calls me resourceful! haha...) I used the original lyrics with the 1954 convertable instead of the newer one, i hate the newer one. anyways, here ya go: Santa Baby COVER by Maystar
I've decided to starve myself until i die... it is just too expensive to eat!!! i give up!!! i had a gift certificate for $50 for trader joes, and all that bought was one small handheld basket of food. AND i had to spend $7 more. AND that was trying to buy the cheapest food there.
But yeah, I just do not have money for food or for anything else. I rarely eat, so I gain lots of weight everytime i do eat. This is insane. why must everything cost SO MUCH!?????? I want to just be able to eat and eat and eat until I'm full! I am SO SICK of eating 0-1 times per day! This sucks!!!!!!!!!
Does anyone know of a HIGH-paying job that will hire me after I gradute! I don't want to "be" anything "when i grow up" anymore, i just want to be able to have food!!!!!!!!!!!
you know, the more i think about it, the more i hate... that person who said my rough-draft CD wouldn't be worth $6 + $4 shipping and handling/packaging. grrr. the way i was doing it, the art that would be included would cost $.50- $1 for the paper, $1-2 for the print on the paper (kinko's). the cd's i'm using cost almost $1 each, then there's lables, ink, and the $.30- $.80 packaging plus 3 stamps (almost $1.20) to ship it. Not to mention the time it would take to make each one. Sooooo not worth it to me. I'd rather just give out the music for free. I'm poor either way, at least with giving it out for free i don't have to waste my time making art for ungrateful people who take everything for granted.
why do stamps cost so much??? Buying christmas cards at the 99 cent store won't help anyone, because stamps are like 40 cents! Yeah, you can get like 6-10 cards for a dollar, but you can only SEND two for that price... This sucks... i want to send out LOTS of cards, but i just can't. I've used a book and a half of stamps already...i don't have money to buy more...i give up! why does christmas have to cost money?!?!
i wonder what it would be like to live in the 50's... i was partially watching TV, (yes, i somehow watched TV, for once. c'est une miricle!) and there was this Miss America thing on, and Miss America from the 1950's said that she would not vote for a woman president if the other (male) choices were qualified because the woman's place is in the home, and women are too irrational to make split second decisions, etc...she really seemed to believe what she was saying...it was so different from now...she didn't even seem to have any idea in her mind that she might be "equal" to a man. sooooo strange. people just believe what they are told...
I am sick of going out. i like being here, writing down thoughts much better. it feels like i'm getting something done this way. or something. i like being home and taking care of all the things i need to do. but i know that if i am home for too many days/weeks(?), i will get sick of it too. i just can't win! i have no balance in my life! i go from one extreme to the other...too much of one thing to too much of the other thing...maybe one day i will figure it out...but for now i am sick of going out to places with sucky DJ's and seeing the same people when i never have anything to say... I'm going to try to stay in as long as I can...the only problem is that I know Marcy wants to go out with me, so that will be a problem...hmmm....
"don't bother me, unless it's important!" i remember once saying that i only wanted my friends to come to me when they NEEDED me, when i could help them with sometime, instead of just to hang out and do nothing. because i don't ever have time to do nothing (or have fun?) ...
and i was thinking today, that in a way, friendships and relationships are kind of annoying. they get in the way of ever accomplishing ANYTHING in life. But then i tell myself that maybe relationships are supposed to be the real point of life, and nothing else should matter....
but I can't help feeling annoyed when chris "needs me" to come cuddle with him, and i have things i want to write down, things i need to do...I don't like having to have to be there for someone else all the time...I'm sick of giving up the things i need to help other people have what they need. it almost makes me not even want to have a boyfriend... i don't have time for a boyfriend... i don't have time to love anyone ... to care about anyone. I spend SO much of my time doing things for other people, with other people, that involve other people...sometimes i just wish that i could get everything that i need to do done first, like accomplish something, and THEN spend time with people... but for now, it seems like every second i spend being "social" is just taking away from myself, pushing me farther and farther away from my dreams and the things i need to get done...
The other day someone said something to me, that really suprised me. I must have mentioned getting married someday, and saying that person had to be there, and they said something like "I would go to your wedding, just to see what the people looked like, what it was like, how different/creative/strange it was" ...Something like that, I don't remember exactly what they said, but that's what they meant. It's like they expected that because of who I am, I would have an interesting looking wedding/dress/guests... or something like that...
I almost corrected them, and said "No, my wedding's going to be really normal" ...because I think that I want a normal wedding...I'd want a white dress, I'd want all my guests to be SUPER dressed up...and so on...I'd want a very "pretty" wedding...
But i remember someone talking about a "punk rock" wedding... and I remember how when I was little I always wanted a "rainbow" wedding dress...or maybe a silver one... or light blue...and so on...
And it made me think...what do i want? Do i want the kind of wedding you are "supposed to" have (but better in quality), or do i want a creative wedding? would i feel ok with wearing a rainbow dress or something? Or would I feel like the girl who never got to wear a white dress? hmmmm.....
Oh, but speaking of white dresses...I once saw this dress in a magizine...designed by Versace maybe?? and it had stars cut out all over it...and it was long and white and princess-y... i would want a dress like that if i was rich...
"this is the way you're supposed to be" ..."this is what you are supposed to do" I always get so caught up in that. I was a good child all my life, just naturally. I had no desire to be bad. (Except for that I wanted to steal shiny rocks from the rock store, and did, and will forever felt guilty about it, and maybe like 4 other things.)...but yeah, my entire life I have tried to be good, to be a good person, to do the right thing, to do what you are "supposed to do" ...I'm actually amazed that I can BE that type of person, yet have so many thoughts of my OWN. But anyway my whole life has been guided by doing what you are "supposed to do" ...i even said somewhere on my site that "you are supposed to get drunk when you turn 21!" ...
Anyways, it is SO hard for me to fight against this "Supposed to" thing...Like with acting, i always want to know the way that the character is SUPPOSED to be played. they tell me that you are supposed to figure it out, have your own interpretation, make that character YOURS... like it's an art or something...but i don't think that's how acting is...i think that the actors are SUPPOSED TO act like the WRITER wanted them to. End of story. It just doesn't seem right to me any other way!!
Oh and then with writing songs...like the ones with music to them...I am SO conflicted with that! the way i want to be vs. natural way i tend to be are so opposite in this case...when thinking about making a song, this is how I think: "ok, what song structure is the most common? how is a song supposed to be? what structure makes the best sounding song? what structure of songs sell the best?" and so on... So i have to fight against that to try to be original, or different or creative... I am too logical to be creative. I think. To me, there has to be a "right way" to do things, the best way, the only way... Of course, if you look at my current songs, you'll see that none of them make any sense in terms of structure...but that's only because they are not really songs. just pieces, just ideas. they are completely unfinished. in most cases, i only had 60 seconds worth of music to record with... Well, i guess "Tangled Up" is somewhat finished. At least structure-wise... that one was built around the words I had already written, so it didn't get stuck into the "supposed to be" thing, thank god...
But yeah, too often i get caught up into these ideas of what things are supposed to be, and it's bad...it leaves me trapped in a box, and in many cases causes disappointment. like there is this thing of what a "boyfriend" is supposed to be and do, and any boy who doesn't do certain things has no hope with me. It's like everything in life is a "job" and there are certain things that are required. Like boyfriends are required to get you a birthday present, and a valentine's day present and an anniversary present. It's not like those are "nice" things that they have the "option" of doing. It's more like if they DON'T, then i will feel hurt and the boy will never hear the end of it, ever. Things like that. Just like the prince is supposed to save the princess... some things are just supposed to be certain ways, and if they aren't, then i go crazy. i don't want to be this way, but i am, too often.
At least i don't have a way that you are "supposed to" fold towels. (yet?) At least I'm not that bad, right? haha
"the many faces of may": no one really knows me i think that you internet people know me better than most people in my life. knowing what's in my head, to me, is really knowing me.
no, you don't know everything that goes on in my head, but pretty much. and yes, you don't know me in real life, but to know me in real life only seems to distract people from really knowing me. i don't know.
like when some of my "friends" think of me, they think of this girl that dresses up and is "so cute" ...like i'm a 5 year old...and yes, i do act like a 5 year old sometimes, because it's fun, because that's part of who i am, because i like to jump up and down when i hear the word "candy" ...and when people think of me they think i like candy...but that's not really true. I actually HATE most types of candy, i like the *idea* of candy, but really, i'm very picky when it comes to liking candy. i like about 4-10 kinds, and that's it. but yeah, just like they did in junior high, they think i'm this girl with fun clothes, this girl that is "happy" ...but they don't really know me at all. No one knows that i am depressed. No one knows that i feel hopeless. No one knows my thoughts. Or anything. But i kind of like it that way. It's not like i purposely put on an "act" for them, or try to conceal my depression, or anything. It's more that i mainly listen to people instead of talk. Or i just don't talk. And i don't want to be bothered and burdened with my own problems when i'm out. I want to dance, i want to see my "friends"...I don't *need* to tell them anything...there's no point to it. I'm also pretty good at "leaving my problems at home" (you know, that thing you are supposed to do when you have a job) ... and while sometimes i'm sad and depressed or bored when i'm with friends, i usually don't tend to show it.
Even the people that are supposed to be somewhat close to me ASSUME they know me, but i feel like these people are sometimes the people that know me the least. These are the people that *think* they know me... that is what bothers me the most. They are so sure that they understand me and know me, and maybe they do know some things, but they don't know as much as they think. It's like even if they read my website, they seem to overlook it, or something...i don't really know. It's kind of annoying, but i'm really starting to accept the fact that no one will ever really know me or completely know me. I've given up. It just doesn't matter anymore.
I wonder if chris even knows me anymore. It's been years since we've talked about anything other than money problems. He at least is the only person who knows me in person, he's the only one i'm not partly shy around. i will always tell him exactly how i feel or what i think. with other people i just pretend to laugh. i laugh when i think something is stupid and lame, (NOT because it's funny!!), i laugh when i don't know what to say, i laugh when i'm nervous or shy, and for various other reasons... and it's funny, the people i act this way around have no idea that they don't know me...they think that THAT is who i am, but it's not. that's just me being shy.
Even worse, I act differently around different people. It's not on purpose, and it's not fake, it just "is" ...that's just how i am... a chameleon...i learned to be this way starting when i was really little...it started out to be a way to survive, a way not to be made fun of, something like that, and now, now it's just who i am. for years and years and years i played "dumb" and pretended not to be smart, or fear of being made fun of...And i think nowadays i only show certain parts of me to certain people, only when it's "safe" ...It's not even on purpose either... But mainly it turns out to be that my personality will reflect whoever i'm with. Only those aspects of my personality that match theirs will come out to play. Unless i know someone REALLY well. It's actually really annoying. Depending on how insecure I feel, it gets worse.
I remember when I would hang out with random strangers, I was often fearless and adventurous. I would lead them to fun places, and i wasn't scared about what they thought of me.
Lately, my self-confidence has been SO low, that i'm too scared to be like that...too scared to have an opinion, to scared to have ideas, because i don't think that they are "right" or "good enough" "cool enough" ...something. i'm not sure what it is exactly, but i know that if you ask me to pick out a movie I WILL NOT. I'm too scared that i'll pick out a stupid one and that will make me look stupid for liking that kind of movie....(and usually I don't know enough about the movies to make a good decision that i could be proud of) ...
but anyways, so nowadays, when i am around a person that is being boring, i will be boring. Long gone are the days when May would have a suggestion or an idea: "let's go here, let's do this!" I tried that so many times and nobody would ever do anything, so i GAVE UP. And if I'm around fun, exciting people then I will be fun and exciting too, and run around like a child and have fun. I think i need to start hanging out with more of those types of people so that i can get myself back. I need to get my childishness back...i am really dying, in all ways.
"the trademarked may*star 'looking up at nothing' pose" HAHAHAHA:
gojason@mac.com: i'm doing such a may pose in one of these pics me: which one is that? gojason@mac.com: which is your fav? me: 86 and 80 = fav. pix gojason@mac.com: 86 is the one where i'm doing the total may pose! me: hahaha, that's what i thought gojason@mac.com: the trademarked may*star "looking up at nothing" pose me: LOL!!!! me: it's my REALLY TALL invisible friend that i look at!!! gojason@mac.com: i see, you're talking and nobody can see that me: exactly! hehehe
see the picture: jason "looking up at nothing" (note, this will only be funny if you've looked at enough of my blonde hair pictures)
Calling all UCSD students/actors/stage managers/directors/designers... yay! so I get to put on the play I wrote at my school! I need to find actors and etc. really fast, because my play goes on week 5 of next quarter...(Feb 4th, I think)
I'm not sure if I'm allowed to use non-ucsd students for anything...
And I'm wondering if I should re-write my play...I think there might be too much talking going on, and not enough action...I could maybe re-do it completely...eh, but that seems too hard...hmmm...I don't know...
I'm scared...what if I can't find all the people I need in time? Eeeeep!
Oh yeah, and I got "Provost's Honors" this quarter for my grades. (that means that i had a gpa of over 3.5 for just this quarter). It's only the second time I've gotten it. yay!
when will this fade? at one time in life, and not too long ago, i could listen to a song and FEEL things because of it, i could get hurt when someone was late, i would cry when someone let me down, i would think things were funny, i would get exicited about other things...
but now, i'm almost completely dead. i don't think anything excites me anymore. things are rarely funny, i don't even get hurt as easily. i mean my friend left me at a party after saying "no matter what happens we are leaving together," and that didn't even hurt me or make me mad. nothing.
i feel nothing.
and my reactions to things are all wrong. someone says something and i'm not curious about it, don't ask questions. or something is strange and i just treat it like it's normal, nothing shocks me, nothing seems odd to me.
i remember watching a(?) clockwork orange for the first time and being horrified. now, nothing seems shocking or bad to me, it's all just "nothing" ...
Yet another year without a Christmas tree, so it just doesn't FEEL like christmas. I am happy though because I got a Trader Joe's gift card for one of my only presents. YAY! FOOD! AT LAST! But yeah...we didn't even carve a pumpkin at Halloween...
I haven't sent out christmas cards yet, I don't have money to buy anyone presents, I'm behind on everything I'm supposed to do, yet I'm still not having fun or anything. It feels like my life is really falling apart.
Time goes by so fast that 4 hours will go by in 5 minutes, leaving me there with nothing done. I hate this. I need to change things. I keep trying but I feel too behind on everything...
still tired, sick, dying, and depressed as well, so goodnight!
alcohol is yucky. i drank 2.5 drinks at a party last night and got soooooooooooooooo drunk that i felt like i had been poisoned (well, alcohol IS poison) (and i hadn't really eaten or had much water in 3 days b/c poor) ...it was horrible...and i woke up still drunk and dizzy and poisoned, but not as bad... and my friend left me at the party...(and our other 'friend' too...so at least we were together, and i had someone to take care of me while i was dying.) i'm the girl that ends up in the bath at parties. haha... well it's only happened 4 times in my life (2 at my own houses)...but every time i get sick from drinking (or hookah bar, once) i always demand to take a bath. somehow that makes me feel better...or at least not be freezing... i feel sooo horrible right now...i can barely type...thank god for Gregg's laptop... otherwise i wouldn't be writing at all.
it was a costume party at my friend Lisa's house, and i missed going to a club with friends to go, because i had missed all of Lisa's other parties (b/c homework & not checking my email), and Lisa and I have been making plans to hang out for like 9 months now - but we are both so busy that it never happens, so i had to go... (i HATE parties usually ...especially if i have to miss dancing to go to them...) but anyways, i dressed up as barbie for my last minute costume... i was so dreading the boringness of the party that i didn't even plan out my costume...i tried on at least 5 costumes before putting on my blonde wig, big shoes and pink...but everyone thought my costume was paris hilton.....oh well, good enough i guess. it was weird to be blonde again for a night...i really think blonde is the best color for my skin...and for my clothes...although i feel silly wearing bright colors nowadays...i feel too old for that...i feel like my clothes are too childlike and not good enough quality...
B and i tried to be friends in yet another bathroom...and again it went nowhere...at least now maybe i won't hate her anymore...although i still am happy when i hear people say they don't like her...so that can't be good. i think maybe i can be her secretary and let her know who her true friends are....i found more people talking shit about her, and one more that doesn't like her. i'm almost starting to think i should be friends with her just because no one else is...but then i did find 2 people who were on her side and not bad-mouthing her, so that's good...at least she has (at least) two REAL friends...what is wrong with people?? how can they pretend to like people when they don't??
also, there were some weird guys at the party, and one was convinced that he was "death" in real life. he was saying that his friend was "life" ...that was maybe a joke though...anyways 'life' was creepy because he was trying to convince me to take off my towel/blankets when i was sleeping/trying to sleep...he was like "go on, i've seen naked people before"...it was really kind of scary...i was just this poor sick and dying thing lying on the couch! i guess these two weren't really invited to the party or so...you always get those random people at parties who are completely insane and don't belong...
Rockstar by night, student by day... ok, not really, i'm just trying to be funny like jason. but anyways...I've never ever in my life gone out as much as i have this quarter (i was going out up to 5 times a week, with an average of 3.5 nights a week), AND i took 22 units AND i go to a really hard boring university, and guess what, I GOT GOOD GRADES! Look!!
THAC 102 Acting II B+ THDA 2 Modern Dance I Pass (it was a pass/no pass class) THDE 101 Theatre Process - Design A- THDR 108 Text Analysis/Actors&Directors B+ THHS 110 Chicano Dramatic Literature A THHS 116 Old Myths in New Films 4 A+
Term GPA: 3.66
i actually feel like i deserved better grades in a couple of those classes, but oh well. i suppose that's what happens when you are shy and NEVER speak up in class. "participation grade" ....grrr...what is this, kindergarten???
oh and the bad thing with me getting good grades is that it makes me want to go back to high-school-perfectionist-mode and get ALL STRAIGHT A's... but i keep telling myself that is a complete waste of time...this is college...My GPA doesn't matter much...as long as it's okay. it doesn't have to be 4.0 ...i really have to fight so hard with myself to do worse work than i am capable of! i just don't want school to run my life anymore...!!
Happy One Year Anniversary to... Mine and Jason's friendship! Yay! A year ago we met in person on this day (we were internet friends first)...so yeah: yay! Hopefully this means that we get to eat cookies! (haha)
I want to be a user-girl too!! You know, those girls who have mainly guys for friends...and all their guy friends take care of them: buy them drinks, buy them food, let them stay at their houses for six days in a row, while the boys hold their tongues and the girl never puts in a dime. then other boys pay for the girls to have cell phones, and someone else gives them a place to live for free.
Yes, that would be the life. No responsiblities, no worries, everything taken care of. I want that kind of life! I want someone to pay for my cellphone!!!!!!!!!! It's not fair! (Instead, I get to pay for my phone AND Chris's phone.) And yes, maybe ALL my closest guy friends would complain about me behind my back, and talk shit about me to other girls and people, but at least I would have a free cell phone! And free food! And free rent! And free drinks! ...
I really wish I could learn how to be that way. To not give a damn about anyone but myself and just take and take and take from everyone, and walk all over them. And occasionally "give" to get more things I want...
But who am I kidding, I will never be able to learn to be that way. I can't even let someone buy me a drink without feeling terribly indebted to them. Like i owe them a drink back. I don't want to have to buy any drinks at all, not for me and not for other people, so it's easier to just not let people buy me drinks, then I never have to spend any money. How backwards is that? You'd think that if i wanted to not spend money the solution would be to let people buy me drinks, but no, then I owe them something, even if they say i don't, so it makes much more sense not to drink at all. God, if I had money to buy drinks, I would be rich! I could have food! Chris bought a drink (with my money) the other night and I flipped out...$4!! on stupid alcohol! We could have bought food with that! That's enough money to buy eggs and bread! No one seems to get that when you have less than $40 in your bank account to last for the next month, and less than $100-200 a month to spend on food for TWO people that you don't have money to just throw around on drinks! grrr! I am so glad that I am not married to an alcoholic! They think nothing of spending $20-$60++++ a night on drinks! Imagine how much food you could buy with that!! *No, I'm not hungry, I swear! haha*
But yeah, I so wish that I could learn how to be someone that just takes, but it will never happen, I know it. I cannot take from anyone without feeling horribly guilty, FOREVER! Once my friend and I tried to make up this thing where it was that we were repaying the people by just even being their friend, or spending time with them...but that of course is so insane that we couldn't make ourselves believe that. I don't know. How do people just take and not care? Can someone teach me?
I'm the complete opposite of that. In highschool, at the end of the school year, I went around with little cards for all the people who I had borrowed money from, with money taped to the cards, to pay the people back...
...now here's the funny part: I don't really believe in borrowing money, so when I did it was only small amounts of change...like 16 cents, 35 cents, 50 cents... Here I was all that time keeping track of EXACTLEY what I owed to people, when they probably didn't even notice that I ever even borrowed money from them!
Wouldn't that be strange if someone came up to you paying you back 35 cents from months ago? LOL!! I must have seemed crazy to them!! But that's just how much it bothers me to take money that is not mine...
I really hate being this way! I want to be able to take and not have to think of it every day of my life... any suggestions on how to change???
old Nintendo and old video games... are the ONLY games i like. Duck hunt, Tetris, Pac-man, Centipede, Astroids, and maybe a couple others. New games suck, they're too complicated and they're not any fun...they are boring, slow, and the graphics suck (haha)...seriosuly, i like pac-man graphics much better that any "new" games i've seen... Yes, if you hadn't guessed already, i HATE video games. Although, it is always fun to play fighting games and just push buttons and win over and over again until the boys get so mad that they pour water on you!
Merry Christmas no...wait, I mean "Happy Holidays"... There was talk of out-lawing the saying "Merry Christmas" somewhere... how insane! What happened to free speech? And then usually the whole thing is that you're supposed to say "Happy Holidays" so that you don't offend anyone...
I don't get all this political-correctness...EVERYONE should celebrate christmas, it's become such a commercial holiday, it's not like half the people who celebrate it even believe in God anyway!!
I mean seriously, in today's world Christmas is all about presents. Nothing more than that, and Santa. SOME people go to church. My Aunt doesn't believe in God or anything and she still has Christmas. Christmas is just kind of like Thanksgiving, but a lot more expensive.
If someone says Merry Christmas to you, it just means "Happy day full of presents, hopefully you have one (day like that) of some kind, and if not, then happy normal day that's kind of cold" and that's all! You can't possibly be offended by that! If you are, then you are either insane, or don't understand how materialistic americans are!! Christmas is just a random "pagan" holiday! Don't think that someone is even talking about religion when they say "Merry Christmas!" ...because most people aren't!
Anyways, for fun, I think I'll go around saying: Happy "some winter holiday" !!!
I made cookies last night! errr, I mean I made 6 cookies... I ate the rest of the cookie dough! Okay, okay, don't worry, it was only a half-batch of cookies AND, the 6 cookies I made were big...
But if i die of salmonella poisoning, you know why.
Actually, that would be a great way to die! It wouldn't be considered suicide! Maybe I will just continue eating cookie dough until it kills me... No reasonable God would punish someone for dying because they ate raw cookie dough, right??
Speaking of cookies, I really hate home-made cookies. I thought that I at least liked chocolate chip cookies, but no...I only like the dough. (yum!) Over-processed store-bought cookies are the best! It's all those perservatives that make them taste good! (haha)... I even like cookies made with store-bought dough ...pillsbury chocolate chip with walnuts (keep in mind that i don't like walnuts, but for some reason, in that EXACT brand of cookie, they're good...
I also hate sugar cookies, but I love Pillsbury sugar-cookies (comes as dough as well) as long as I have tons of processed store bought frosting to dip them in... that vanilla kind with slightly chewy rainbow things in it.... yum... and see? I don't even like vanilla either... Processed fake food tastes way better than real food! (hahaha)
If you haven't noticed, we have google ads now, kind of. I added ads to my main pages...I was just about to plaster them all over my site when i realized that they DON'T open in new windows...I don't like that: so someone finds my site, then clicks on an ad, gets lost on the advertisers page, and NEVER is able to come back to my site...No, i don't like that at all. That's not how normal ads work...normal ones open in a new window...it's rude to have an ad open in the other person's window!!
But yeah, I'd rather have ads for businesses and websites that i know of...so if you have a band, website, store, or project that you'd like to advertise on my site (in place of the google ads), email me with a link and i'll give you a quote... it can even be a picture ad, if it's pretty enough ...or i can design you an ad...
Thanks sooooooooo much to: Amara Vervalin, Brandon Paquette, and Modellooks for donations in the last 4 months...
No, I'm not behind in thanking people at all...never!... haha...Actually I only see who donated when I log into my pay pal account...and apparently that's about every 4 months...
It's funny, the only thing I've ever done with my donations is donate to other people and web-developers. I also bought a CD from an independent artist...(if it had been a real CD, i would have downloaded it, since record companies suck and keep all the money from CD sales...) All the other money I've ever gotten, I'm saving...at this rate, if i saved for about 8-10 years i could pay one month's rent...something like that. haha...
See Spot run. See May model very unclassy shirt. Remember when I did that photoshoot for the sikworld catalog? well i'm finally on their website. i'm not sure why that matters, or if it's even a good thing, but yeah:
(look for the picture of the blonde, and the picture of the leg with the dog...that should be all the shots there are of me...I refused to model underwear for them....The unclassy shirt was bad enough, there's no way in hell i'd model underwear for that catalog...ICK! well, maybe if they wanted to pay me a decent amount of money, but that's another story...I might even dress up like a stupid chicken, IF someone paid me enough...)
so san diego had a write-in canidate run for mayor (donna frye)...and they are counting the votes for her still, and they've found tons of ballots (5,000) that have her name written in (you had to add her name yourself to vote for her), but those people didn't fill in the bubble as well - just her name...if they had to go to all that trouble to write in her name, don't you think that those people meant to vote for HER?...and since the write-in ballots have to be counted by hand, don't you think that the ones that don't have the bubble filled in should count as well, because the voters *intended* to vote for her, even if they did it wrong? just because they were too stupid to fill in the bubble doesn't mean that their votes shouldn't count!! in this country, stupid people are allowed to vote, and their votes should count! they used to not let stupid people vote, people had to take and pass a literacy test before being allowed to vote...but that's illegal now...you can't tell people they aren't allowed to vote, just because they are stupid - so therefore, the votes for donna frye that were not bubbled in should be counted, because obviuosly some people were too stupid to do it right...
the stupidest thing is that our current mayor said that it was unclear what the intent of the voters was. Ok, yeah, that's SO UNCLEAR...they took all the time and trouble to find out that there WAS a write-in canidate, AND they found out her name, AND wrote it down, but it's unclear whether they wanted to vote for her or not, YEAH, that makes so much sense! I think the mayor is a little bit stupid if he really believes that - but of course he doesn't believe it, he just says it because he wants to win.
i'm this weird kind of stuck lately. i'm depressed, but not sad. (sometimes sad, but that's different than the depression thing, oh and sometimes very bitter too.) i've got time to do things, but i can't move. i don't see any point in getting out of bed. but i get up anyway. i get up and wander around the house, trying to get things done, but not really doing anything at all. i cleaned and cleaned but the house is not very clean. i stayed on the computer for hours today but didn't do much but sit here, didn't write anything, didn't create anything, edit anything, email anyone...anything...i halfway IM'd my friend ... i didn't even really listen to music...i had it on too low to hear...
i feel completely stuck. like i'm in a maze and there aren't any directions to go at all. this horrible feeling just won't go away.
i didn't go out tonight so that i could get things done, but i just can't do anything. it's too hard to even get food. i picked up the pile of letters to write back and then i put them back down...
i keep thinking out thoughts in my head, things i want to email to people, things i want to write here, but then i never come to write them down, and to me, it feels like i did write them, and that is good enough, even though it's not.
i feel like screaming, i can't sleep, i feel so stuck! i think i've taken like 4 showers today...that's what i do when i can't do anything else.
i'm keeping myself inside and not having fun in order to get things done, but then not getting anything done either... and if i did go out, i probably wouldn't have fun...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!
everything is so completely wrong! yet nothing is actually wrong. everything that is wrong is just an emotion, a feeling, a something...everything should be somewhat fine right now (expect for the whole ex-boyfriend distress), but nothing is, and i have no idea how to fix things that don't even really exist...
how can you fix a problem when you don't know what's causing it?
i seriously wish that i just didn't have to exist anymore...each second feels like a thousand hours and i can't even accomplish anything with that time...i'm just stuck doing nothing... no motivation, no will to live...and then remember, i'm also not sad, so how confusing is that????? AHHHHHH! someone make this stupid depression-stuck thing go away!
worst lie of the year: "um, i have to go home because i have to feed my cats...because...they're sad," she said.
My friend and I met this "nice" girl on thursday and she was going to come hang out with us at an afterparty, but then all of a sudden she wasn't going to the party anymore, because she was "tired" and then it changed to having to feed her sad lonely cats, at 2am...yeah, that is SO believable...
Turns out (and we guessed this before we knew the facts) that she went home with a boy. (one that i once dated)...So yeah, she might have gotten the boy she wanted (until he gets bored of her), but she just lost 2 potential friends... how could i ever be friends with someone who would lie like that?? she just lied for no reason! she could have been honest and said "i'm going to hang out with a boy!" and grinned, and we would have understood...but no, she had to make up some dumb excuse!...she could have said she was going to hang out with a friend, anything, but instead she lied...people should really try their best not to lie, and if they do lie, it should be because it's a life and death situation, or to protect a friend's secret...something that's at least understandable...but to lie for NO reason?!?! that's just really super lame...if someone would lie over something that dumb, they must lie about absolutely everything...
what is the point of it all? i've been on and off depressed for the last 3 or 4 days...i keep going out, hanging out with different groups of friends...but nothing ever feels like fun, nothing ever seems worth the time and effort...everyone else has fun and i just am kind of there, watching, and not really in the same world. even dancing isn't really fun anymore... everywhere i go at least 50% of the songs suck, and it just isn't any fun like that. hanging out feels like a waste of time, for the most part...
oh and i went to this fashion show, and the whole thing just seemed so fake...all the people there were so cold-looking, and everything just seemed like such a competiton...i HATE competition ....and i just want to laugh at it all...everything is all just so meaningless and pointless...
but before i started feeling that way about the world (yet again), i felt so under-dressed and so ugly. and then i felt like my life is wasted and i don't ever accomplish anything. everything is only "half-way" ...but then really, what is the point of finishing anything? who cares? nothing REALLY matters, it's all just stupid and superficial.
and i've re-decided that i don't like people. there are a few people that are ok. (like the ones i actually don't mind hanging out with), but overall, people are just as dumb as the meaningless things they do...they are so selfish, and self-obssessed...most of them at least...i was just watching people, and they don't even really listen to other people when they talk, or care about other people's needs...
i did meet a fun person named "Tin" though...we made up a language called "spenchglish" which is english, spanish, french, and nonsense mixed together...and we were having fun talking on the roof of an afterparty... but the whole rest of the night just dragged on and on and on and on...it felt like a billion hours, and even though i hung out with a lot of my friends, nothing felt right...
crush me until i'm soft enough to kiss beat me until i'm too weak to care until i'm too sad to remember hate until i give up, give in until i'm too drained to move
crush me until i'm soft enough to kiss hurt me until i feel something until i can feel love again until i'm soft and vulnerable until i reach out to someone else
grrrr. so i'm stuck at school for a total of 3 hours today, between a final and practice for my dance final... and i was going to use this time to write things i've been meaning to write, and leave comments for my friends on mypace because the school internet is the only thing fast enough to be able to, and etc... etc... but then i got so sad (of course there was a reason, even if it was a small strange reason) and now i'm too sad to do anything. i don't even want to be on the computer...i want to go curl up in a ball someplace warm, but there isn't anywhere to go. i'm even too sad to write poems. there's this certain person who makes me sad in the worst kind of way- the kind that takes my creativity away...it's really strange...
I am such an absentee friend i don't see any of my friends enough...i don't ever really call anyone...i try so hard to be a friend to eveyone but i never have enough time to have a real friendship with anyone, except for maybe Marcy because she knows how to call me 16 times in a row until i either throw my phone or answer it in the middle of trying to do 8494 other things...
i'm too used to being anti-social and shy. having friends is such a strange concept to me...keeping in contact with people is absolutly impossible for me - unless it's by email- that sometimes works, with people i know in real life at least.
And Sarah always tells me that I can call her if I ever need to talk about anything... but i never do need to talk about anything. Everything feels too repetitive to talk about. the same problems just keep repeating - i've lost interest in them. it's like catching on fire every single day until you get to the point where you just decide to walk around in flames and it doesn't even bother you.
it seems that it is not possible to accomplish anything in life AND have friends. there just isn't enough time. it sucks. school sucks...grrr.
Goals for winter break: 1) BAND PRACTICE! 2) Return letters 3) Christmas Cards 4) Become a prostitute in order to earn enough money to buy stamps. (just kidding) 5) Try to finish writing songs and record a real CD... (this is probably a joke as well) 6) Go out and have fun. (If i do this one, all band-related things are given up.) 7) Clean the house, yet again. Murder the people who mess it up. 8) Design a website to make a meager amount of money, in order to eat. 9) See my poor neglected Sarah! 10) See even more neglected Tiffany. (Tiff, does it count that i saw you in my dream last night? you were in san diego at a club and me and my friend went back to orange county with you...If I had a car, I would come see you, but I don't...it's not my fault!! And chris's car doesn't go anymore than 30 miles without breaking down...) 11) See poor neglected Angel... 12) See neglected Tom 13) See other neglected friends that i haven't seen for like 9+ months 14) Steal christmas presents from the rich to give to the poor, like christmas Robin Hood... 15) Clean Chris's closet: If i disappear during the next few weeks, you know that i was killed by an avalanche in there and will not ever return. 16) Try to return emails to people who wrote me a year ago...??? 17) Something else...I don't remember.
I'M DONE!!! I finally finished writing my 12 page paper! It actually only got to like 10 pages, but I changed the font to "courier new" which made it 13 pages...It's really dumb, the requirement is that I need to submit a graded 12-15 page paper that is 2,500 words or more in order to graduate...Well my paper was like 3,000 words and still only like 9 or 10 pages...how annoying! But yeah, so I changed the font and now it works...It's still really annoying that it was more words that nessesary and not enough pages - I guess they must have made it that way so that no matter what font we used 12 pages would always be 2,500 words, and in most cases, lots more.
I absolutely HATE writing papers. Believe it or not, I actually hate WRITING all together. I guess that writing in this journal is not really writing to me. It is only thinking...It's like my thoughts flow right out of my fingertips, without me even really realizing it... it never feels like writing at all because it is exactly the way i think...does that make any sense to anyone?
does anyone ever have original ideas? as much as i always want to be different from everyone, i don't think i've ever been original. when i dress, i dress in themes, in costumes, for the most part, like it's halloween every day. In junior high my outfits were "chola" and "surfer" and "skater" and some other things...i mean i guess my bright-colored outfits and outfits were somewhat original, but then along came the candy kids and i just looked like one of them... And i guess wearing feather boas and tiaras to school were ideas of my own...but still... it seems as though it's not possible for anything to be original. now my costumes are "flapper" and "hipster" and "club kid" (club kid was not intentional, i just decided that's what my outfits look like) and then "electro/80's" ...(i think i did that one so much that people actually thought that was how i dressed)...
but yeah, do orginal ideas come to people naturally or do they have to search for them?
when i was little, my mom taught me how to draw a cat, and so that is how i draw cats, that is the "right" way to draw and a cat, and i never thought i was allowed to have my own interpretation of a cat. When designing sets for plays in class, i go by what the stage directions require, because the teacher tells us we have to, but then he tells us to be creative as well...Well, i can't do what i'm "supposed to do" AND be creative at the same time, it doesn't work in my head...I did what the play told me to do, and now i have this really bland boring model and i can't think of ANY ways to make it look creative without betraying the stage directions... it says that the people live in an unpainted shack, so i made a shack, (i did make it in an odd shape, but that doesn't count for creativity in my book) and i painted it lightly so that it was a darker brown but still had an un-painted look. then it said that the sky was clear and blue with fields in the background, so i made a completely clear blue sky and painted green underneath it for fields...etc...i did what it told me to do, and now it looks boring and blah, like a 4th grader made it... i really just cannot think of anything creative to do to it that wouldn't violate the stage directions...
it bothers me that i am always so trapped in the whole notion of what things are "supposed to be" like... I'm going to end up being one of those 80 year old people screaming: "NO! You have to fold the towels like THIS! Any other way is wrong!" ...I mean, I'm slowly learning that there are more than one way to do things, and that you don't always have to do what you are "supposed to do" ...but it just bothers me that i'm that way at all, because it really limits me in making art and anything else like that...
i'm so excited! the film i did last month (Echo) didn't turn out bad! i didn't think anything would look right, but it turned out that the director/camera girl (Arianna) really knew what she was doing!
it's black and white, and shot on REAL 16mm film (very different from video tape), and it looks so much like an old silent film...it's so cool!! it's only like 3-5 minutes long though...
if you live in san diego, you are so REQUIRED to come see my first film!! hehe:
7:00pm Tuesday December 7, 2004 An evening of color and black and white 16mm films All new work produced by UCSD students Screened for the first time Mandeville Recital Hall at UCSD
a thousand million thoughts i think for you and no one else i play them over and over in my head and when i'm not numb i get up in the middle of then night and cry awhile suddenly remembering how every "i love you" you said turned out to be just a worthless lie a paper dollar that i could spend but not backed by anything real every promise you suggested was just another line in your game in your quest to win everything a thousand million tears i cry for you and not someone else wasted worthless tears and worthless wasted thoughts all spent on you and too many of your lies.
your situation's changed and deprivation has become desperation as you long to hold on to what you think you need because of a body that only maybe might be diseased you crave something, anything, to put you at ease and security is just one touch out of reach so much easier to slip into the past than to explain an old face much more understanding than a new because you think she might be stained and broken like you.
these are the people that i owe letters to. if you are not on this list, i never got your letter. the mail people ate it. * heather * arielle * roxanne * annie * troy * kasey-michael * RW * Hayley * Taylor *
i misplaced 3 of the letters at the end of last school year and have been freaking out trying to find them for months and months now...i FINALLY just found them when we got new windows and all our stuff had to be moved around...i found them in the "really important things that i need to do, but i never look at them so i am way too late with everything" pile ...[also in that pile was a flyer for "models wanted" ...it's been there over a year now. i'm quite sure they don't need models anymore :( ]
i actually started writing 4 people back a month or two ago, i even have the envolopes addressed...but then all this homework came and they got stuck in the "letters that need to be finished" pile that has lived on my desk since september.
it makes me absolutely crazy to have things like that hanging over my head. things i need to do ... like the emails i need to respond to... i can't stand to not have things done...there are always things left to do. i HATE that feeling, it's so stressful. i just want to get everything *done* so that i can relax and breathe and have time, and go outside and play... i have a feeling that *nothing* will ever ALL be done EVER again... that's the terrible part of getting older...if you are in high school or junior high and get bored and have time to watch TV, DON'T!! do other things! fun things, and things you want to accomplish, make things, go out and play... because never again in your life will you have that kind of time to just do nothing... unless you are really lucky somehow...
