It's so interesting to me how you can take ONE fact and make yourself seem better or worse...and it's all in the way that you present that fact. for example, i could say/brag:
"Yeah, I'm producing, co-directing, designing, and acting in a play..." and then try to make the play seem important, and by doing that i could either make it look like i'm "important" (or just bragging, haha)...
OR, I could make myself look bad and say: "Yeah, I'm doing a play, but it's free,and i'm not getting paid a dime, and my actors are late and don't show up, and my acting sucks, and i haven't memorized my lines, etc...etc..."
which is the RIGHT one to say?? Because I always, always, always say all the negitive stuff, because that is the "truth" to me, and I also don't have anyone to have high expectations of me that i won't be able to meet! It seems like everyone else always says only the "good" stuff... but maybe because their stuff IS "real" ... or do they feel the same way???
i don't have any free time to think lately...and when i do steal time away from things i'm supposed to be doing, i'm too tired to think! yeah, so i can't exactly write anything if i can't think!!
had another go-go dancing job tonight... it always makes me question the whole conecpt of time and money when working for such short periods of time... "is it even worth it?" (it = the time/effort) ...it almost seems as if I would make more money by not making any money at all... does anyone understand what i mean? Like making $20 seems like nothing, because i know that it will be gone in a second on gas or food...it's almost like if i didn't bother to leave the house to try to "make" money that i would actually SAVE money... haha ...
oh and then i am soooooo busy lately working on my play and stuff that i don't ever get a chance to do to the grocery store or anything....or eat or sleep....i'm gone from 8am to 11pm pretty much everyday...i seriously am getting to the point where i think i need one of those personal assistant people to run errands for me! (and cook! haha) the only problem is that because all of my hard work is either for free, or very close to free, that i wouldn't have anything to pay them with! i really really need to find something in life that is going to pay me money! that would be nice!
YAY! I get to be in a music video!!! It's probably just the part of an extra, and who knows, it could be one of those scenes where i get to be "one of the crowd" and you won't be able to see me at all, but hey, better than nothing, right? The band Garbage had something about being in a video, and so I emailed them, thinking I'd never get picked in a million years, but I did!! I guess they must have picked a lot of people. I'm not really sure, but that seems to be the only logical explanation...
So yeah, now all I need to do is find a way to get to LA!...Does anyone feel like missing work on Jan 31st to take me?? Pretty please?!?! I have to miss school AND rehearsal for my play as well...
I sooooo hate having to be dependent on other people in any way at all! I hate that my stuff doesn't get done in time because of someone else and their irresponsibility! I seriously can't trust anyone to do anything. No one ever does anything on time, or at all, and if they do happen to do it, it's always only halfway done. No one cares about anything unless it is 100% their own! Or so it seems!
Here I am, trying to NOT be so controlling, transferring responsibility to other people, the way it "should" be...but all this is doing is making me realize that my previous ways of "may must control EVERYTHING and do EVERYTHING herself" was not a bad thing at all. It's the ONLY thing that works, the ONLY way that ANYTHING ever gets done!
One of my actors dropped out of my play! 2 weeks before the show! grrr! Other people that I ask to do things don't do them right or on time, or at all. Other actors have not showed up to rehearsals or have been REALLY late...And the "friend" who is supposed to be helping me print out my flyers keeps making plans with me to go get that done and then not answering his phone!! I could get them done SO MUCH FASTER all by myself! I would have had them printed on Saturday, but no, I have to wait on someone else! I hate it! Things have deadlines and they need to be done by those deadlines, end of story!! Why does no one understand this?!?!?!? Why can't anyone be responsible!?!? It's not that hard!!! grrrrrrrrrrr!
All this tells me is that one day when I have my own business, I'm not going to be able to trust it in the hands of anyone else, I'm going to have to do EVERYTHING myself and be miserable and stressed out and overworked, because everyone in this world is incompetent!!!!!
I finally updated... my calendar thing...but it's not very useful really, because i'm not going to get to do anything "fun" for a long, long, long time. But actually, I'm really happy not going out. I have no desire in the world to go out. I'm so sick of the same old bars and clubs... even dancing doesn't seem so fun anymore. I've had an overdose of people, and need a break from them so badly. It's nice to be away from everything. Seeing one friend at a time is okay, but really, I just need at least a month to be alone...I need to get back to the point where I have things to talk about again and actually "miss" people...I like when it's 'exciting' to see people...Marcy and I go through that a lot... we go for two months or so without really hanging out and then when we do, it's like we just met almost... everything is NEW and exciting...
I think that's maybe why I was always so in love with my friends that I only used to see every two weeks or so...because they always stay "new" and although I thought it was "my" thing to be addicted to "new-ness," i think it's actually a "human" thing... I think a lot of people like "new" things... Newer things ( and people) usually seem more appealing than the old ones you are used to or sick of... and you may not realize it at the time, but it's mainly their new-ness that you are attracted to...
And that's why fashion has to change so much as well...to create "new-ness" because people need that and crave that...even if it's an old repeated stlye, it's still "new" in comparison to whatever is "current" ...
i cry for a slight memory of a dream that never really existed the memory of a world and a boy that was only ever alive inside my own head
i cryed and i waited for the world that i created to come alive but as i waited and waited the last part of me died
i heard words in your head that weren't really there they whispered me lies and told me tales of an incomparable person who turned out to be long dead
i saw dreams in your soul that were long gone and glimmers of light behind your darkened eyes i envisioned so much but just couldn't touch
i reached out for what i thought was there only to find that my hand had grabbed nothing but air; remnants of a fragmented person pieces of someone who wasn't ever there
i cry for a slight memory of a dream that never really existed the memory of a world and a boy that was only ever alive inside my own head
i cryed and i waited for the world that i created to come alive but as i waited and waited the last part of me died.
you thought you had it all in the palm of your hand but you never had a thing just an empty shell of what used to be the ghost of some empty hallow shattered dreams and nothing's what it seems
you thought you lost it all crushed by the palm of your hand but you never really had anything just the shadow of a broken ghost just a glimpse a reflection of the past and true love never does last
I finally saw the video for Cherry Lips (by Garbage), and it wasn't anything like it should have been...It should have been cheesy and silly like a no doubt video, but instead it was just kind of singing and that's about it. oh well. and now back to homework....
La Dispute by Marivaux... is such a good play. at least the translation I read was...it's so much like how boys and girls act in real life, but in complete black and white...you should read it.
UGLYNESS... does it exist or not? in some ways I would argue that EVERYONE is ugly, and make-up makes us "pretty" ... in other ways I would argue that EVERYONE is beautiful, in their own certain way, and it takes a certain way of looking at things to see it, like bright colors (think: flowers) are OBVIOUSLY pretty...they scream into your face: "hey look at me! I'm pretty!" Just like blonde hair...But then there's black hair, and there's moss green. Black hair doesn't get your attention, it doesn't scream at you...It's quiet, you have to be patient to notice it's existence, either that or you have to have eyes that are trained to look for it. You have to find beauty in black hair, it's not pushed in your face, you have to NOTICE it on your own. Just like moss green. Moss green is ugly on the surface. It is often dismissed before it is even given a chance. Thrown away, and thrown out. But then there are those that like moss green, and other dull colors...and I have come to realize that it's almost a more advanced form of beauty...almost like an aquired taste...but it's something more than that. So I would have to say that moss green, to me, is ugly and beautiful at the same time. I believe that everything can be ugly and beautiful at the same time. It just depends on how you look at it.
I'm really sick of people judging other people based on their looks. Girls look for "cute" guys...other girls and boys say "why are you dating him, he's UGLY!!" ...how many times have i heard that about the guys i have dated? it gets really annoying. My first arguement is that no one is ugly, but i admit, there was one boy that i thought was ugly...but i also ALWAYS hated him, so i'm sure that was the connection...(Yes, I kind of dated a guy that I hated, however that one makes sense, I have NO idea...) But anyway, I think it's really fucked up of people to judge other people soley based on the way they look. PEOPLE CANNOT HELP THE WAY THEY LOOK. they are BORN that way. Did they ask to be born "ugly" ? No! It's not their choice to look how they do, so how can you possibly judge someone based on that? It's just not fair to do so! Also, doesn't anyone care what's on the INSIDE of a person??? Shouldn't that matter?? Why do you go out looking for someone beautiful? What happens when they get old and their beauty melts away? Then what is left? What will you love once their beauty is gone? And are you so beautiful that you have the right to call any other living creature "ugly"?
Now of course, I too am guilty of calling people ugly (usually when I hate them or am mad at them), but the difference is that I don't really believe it, that I don't dwell on it. What someone looks like is not going to dictate whether I am friends with them or not, whether I date them or not...
(But STYLE *is* important, to some extent,(well, in theory at least). People are not born with ugly clothes!! Style is completly controllable! Even if the person is completly poor, they can still get the greatest clothes in the world at thrift stores! So yeah, NO ONE has any excuse to dress bad! Your style reflects your head, and if you are dressed sloppily, it means you are lazy, and lazy people are worthless! (haha) ...the only excuse for dressing bad is being too busy.... Okay, fine maybe I'm half kidding, maybe style doesn't REALLY matter, but i think in a certain way that it does, because it reflects your personality, and it really doesn't matter what style it is, as long as it's something... actually, that's not completely true either...but i think it should be...hehehe)
Sometimes, in ways, I think that I have outgrown this journal... actually, it's not really that I've outgrown it, it's that's I've always been to big for it:
Having ONE website, ONE personality, ONE face to show EVERYONE is too hard for me. I am not one person. I am a million different people. I am a slightly different person to every person... aren't we all? Are you the same person to your grandma as you are to your boyfriend? No, right? And imagine trying to have a website that was meant for BOTH of them to read, and that was the ONLY contact you could have with either of them... would it be possible to say EVERYTHING to both of them, if they were both reading the same page? No, right? There would be things that you would want to say to one that you didn't want to say to the other. Maybe you'd want to sound a bit sexy to your boyfriend and a bit sweeter to your grandma... Maybe you'd want to talk about drinking and parties to your boyfriend, and your good grades to your grandma...these are completely generic examples, but do you get the point? It would be SO hard to be the girlfriend AND the granddaughter on ONE website...
And that is what this website feels like to me. Mainly because people I *know* read it. Aunts, cousins, friends, etc... How can I possibly put ALL my thoughts out here for EVERYONE to read? I just can't do it. Yeah, maybe my pictures are a little on the side of 'wow, that's on the internet?! ummm...yeah' but that's really not as intimate as THOUGHTS. who cares if someone sees your skin? it means nothing, it is nothing. who hasn't seen a girl in her bra before? BIG DEAL! But thoughts, thoughts are everything... Thoughts and opinions, if said, some of them, can destroy you, be used against you...make people HATE you, disapprove of you, more than any picture...
And you know, as much as you should be ONE person, the same person to everyone, with the same thoughts and ideas, sometimes it's just not possible. Some things you just don't tell your grandma, it's as simple as that. And you don't tell her because she wouldn't understand, or because she wouldn't approve, not necessarily because you don't want to tell her...
But yeah, and for the reason that 'grandma' (no, not my real grandma, i hope!) is reading my website, I feel boxed in, I feel like I can't say everything sometimes. Like i can't be grown up...like I can't express all of my 2 billion different personalities in one place...
And sometimes this makes me want to have a secret journal, one that isn't connected to my face, or my name in any way...but i don't want to have any secrets! Secrets, when found out, are almost always either hurtful to others or embarssing. Secrets, in my book, should be avoided at all costs, for the mostpart. I've actually started up secret journals in the past...but always deleted them after a few posts... I just wish that I didn't mind 'grandma' knowing absolutely every single one of my thoughts...
But anyway, this leaves me with absolutely no solution.
(Jan 18th, 6pm) As much as everything has a point or NEEDS to have a point, or at least works out that way in my head, I occasionally find myself doing things without having a point or purpose...Doing things for "no reason" or without thinking... I guess you can say "acting on impulse" or acting against reason... As much as I would like to have every little thing in my life all planned out and say "well this is my reason for that, and i'm going to do this because of this..." and so on, there are those few times where i do the stupidest things without reason, without thinking. I do the stupidest things that are not beneficial to me at all...and I think: "what am I doing?" "why did I do that?" ...Why when everything is every way that it is, would I act in a way that is completely dectructive to everything I've worked so hard for in life? It's seriously like someone is telling me: "You can have everything in the world, as long as you don't eat this candy bar" (wait, why is this sounding like the story of adam and eve??? LOL!), and for some reason, I am willing to risk losing the whole entire world just to eat a candy bar, even though I know that as soon as the candy bar is gone, I will be right back to feeling how I did before I ate the candy bar...the taste will be gone, and in addition to that, everything else would be gone as well, so I would much be worse off after eating the candy bar....So this is my question to you: why would I throw away the whole world to gain absoluting nothing? Why do I do that? Why do I, for moments, lose all my reasoning??? This doesn't make any sense to me!
(Jan 18th, 5:30pm) It's funny how humans have such a need to communicate... and every one of them in their own different way. some people talk too much, some people make music, some people draw, and so on...I read something once that was saying the main reason for internet 'addiction' is because the internet is a way to commincate, because people interact with other people on the internet...from checking email to messageboards to dating sites to reading blogs, it's all part of relating, communicating, being heard, or finding a piece of yourself in someone else...
And as I'm scribbling thoughts down in a notebook to transfer to my online journal, I just can't imagine NOT putting them online. what is the purpose of a thought if it is not to be heard? It's pointless to write when there's no one there to read it... It's like spending hours making someone a present that they will never see... it's a waste of effort and pointless...Or maybe it's something that I just don't understand yet. All I know, is that for me, this is my way of talking, and i almost *need* it... something about being *heard* or understood...listened to...I wouldn't be able to write if no one was listening...And I don't think I'd want to. What is the point of a song if there's no one to hear it? What is the point of art if there's no one to see it? What is the point of a car if there's no one to see it? And what is the point of a thought if there's no one to understand it?
(Jan 18th, 5pm) To speak or not to speak, that is the question... So as much as I try to say ALL my thoughts and be open, honest, etc..., there's always the: "don't say THAT thought because it gives the other person power" kind of thing...And I never know whether to say my thought or to force myself shut up...
For example, do you admit to an ex-boyfriend that you are thinking about him? By doing that, in a way, you are letting him know that he has a little bit of control over you; you are letting him know that what he does can effect you, that you still remember that he exists... even if it is only just one tiny thought ...Is it better to just not say anything at all? And pretend to be too good to remember that he exists...To act like you are better than the bad ways he treated you?
And then saying something could also be bad because it's a way of letting that person in, making them realize that they have the slightest chance to get back into your life and mess things up again...because if someone thinks that they have a chance, even a tiny one, they will try...
And is not saying something a form of staying "in control" of the situation? Or would letting them know that you are thinking about them be the way to stay in control? Because maybe saying something will cause them to think about you...
And I guess that if we are being manipulative, the best thing to do would be to REALLY not think of the person, but lie to them, and say that you are, causing that person to think about you, and at the same time, not letting their actions or emotions influence you one bit...
But of course, these are just random thoughts; Me ever trying to act on a thought, or a plan, always always always backfires...and as much as my head has fun plotting out ways to be manipulative, I try my best to do the opposite, which of course, isn't any good either, because why go through life getting the opposite of what you want when humans and creatures were designed to be able to come up with ways to get the things they want and need...?? It doesn't seem like anything is the right answer or a good answer at all.... and what happens when you don't even have a clue what you want? Or what if what you want doesn't make any sense at all... Or what if what you want can't exist in our world without hurting someone else?
a silent way without words i read your changing faces as we're switching places won't admit your thoughts your badly hidden intentions but instead display them in your eyes as though you put them there for me a glimpse of ulterior truth to read.
YAY! I got to make money for ONCE!, kinda... but only for once. Sarah and I got a go-go dancing job in LA: $40 for 2 hours. (=$20 an hour), but the gas up there and back cost like $40, and then boots to dance in and stockings = $75 or so, so basically it's losing money, but in THEORY, it's making money, right? Oh, yeah, not to mention the 4 hours of time we lost driving there and back...I guess if we lived in LA it would have been a good thing...
YAY! I saw my Patrice!! for the first time in over a year! this is the friend i sometimes call: "my 40-year old friend" because she's like 41, and she's the oldest friend i have. (even though she only looks 27!) Anyway, it was so nice to finally see her again...we have both been so busy that we couldn't find any time to see each other in 2004. 2004 is the first year in the 6 years i've know her that we didn't see each other at all in. she lives 2 hours away from me (in L.A.) so it's hard to get to see her when i don't have a car. and then she missed my b-day party b/c she was sick and then cancled easter and thanksgiving because she was busy, and then i missed her 80's party because of the no-car issue (chris's car is broken and only will drive about 20 miles before breaking down, especially while driving in the sun for some reason). it also turns out that we were both in M.L. at the same time, but didn't even know it! but anyways, hopefully we will get to see each other more *this* year...it's really nice (and comforting) to have one completely normal "healthy" friend in the sea of everyone else i hang out with. (hahaha) it's like she's really different from everything i'm used to. she's not drowning in hopelessness and depression like everyone else i know. haha...I don't know, it just makes me feel more balanced to hang out with her. she's a really really great person. Ok, i have no idea what i am trying to say, so goodnight! actually, i mean: time for homework, yay! (ick)
Would anyone like to sponser my play? It's a non-profit play, and we only have a $40 budget, and very limited use of school costumes/props. If we want to rent chairs instead of using the stupid bleacher type seats that fold out, it costs at least $80....etc, etc...
Anyways, if you would like to sponser my play, you will get an ad. for your company/website/self/etc. included in our programs, (just like the big UCSD productions have)...It would include your company address, phone numbers, faxes, email address, website, etc...whatever you would like.
If anyone is interested in helping out, email me. Thanks! :)
You know how, when you see yourself on video, you want to hide under your chair? Well that is how I feel when I look at stuff I've written in the past. I would just rather hide and not see it!
If you read my archives from early 2002, you will see how I was BEFORE i discovered that life was pointless.
At my lowest, I was only depressed because of "humanity" ....how terrible people could be, how we are blind to that as well. That's when I wrote the song God. because when there is only *one* person in your life, and they hurt you, the world seems like the most terrible place ever. And very empty and alone. When the BEST person in the world is horrible, than there's no hope. And when you really get down to it, no one cares about anyone, no one listens, blah, blah, blah. Something and something. But I'm over that. I've accepted that people suck, and I have moved on. (haha) ...It's called growing up: you become numb to anything hurtful and just many things in general, it's the only way a human can really survive.
Actually, I'd want to read it myself. I just don't have time to read. I also wouldn't have time to have someone read it to me. Maybe I will read it after I get away from this horrible college thing.
But until then, I *THINK* that everyone else should read it. I say "think" because I haven't read the whole thing, so I'm not really sure if you should read it....Maybe it sucks, who knows. I only like it because it deals with the "life/the universe is pointless" problem, so i can "relate" to it. Maybe if I read it, it would cure me! Who knows.... haha ...although I think that the conclusion of it is only going to be: "live by distracting yourself and being too busy to think" ...and not the answer I want which would be "life/the universe DOES have a point after all" ...oh well.
I'm so ugly, I'm so fat, waah, waah, waah. apparently, people only like me if I put myself down. That's always been the pattern. I feel ugly enough, do I really have to talk about it? And no, you have no idea what I look like. Pictures lie. Jason has seen me look terrible, and all the people at school. Ask them. Not one will tell you I'm pretty. Oh, and one of the last boyfriends I had said that I looked like a drowned rat. (ok, yes it was to the girlfriend he had before me, but I'm still convinced that he really believed it as well.)
oh yes, and Jason also knows how fat I am too! (i think he even gasped, or was shocked to see...) and No, I am not "fat" ...But I am fat for someone with my body-type...I have fat. I have too much fat on my body...and am badly proportioned because of it. Pants never ever will button for me, so i have to buy them like 2 sizes too big, and then other parts are too big, while the waist part is still too tight.
There, happy? That's what I complain about everyday in "real life" ... with the occasional "life is pointless" things thrown in as well, which no one ever understands: "we're all in college! we all have goals! we're peppy and happy! what do you mean there's no point? HUH? like, oh my god, I don't get it!" Normal people who think like me get soooo depressed that they drop OUT of college, so there aren't any there to talk to. (I'm just waiting until i *finish* college to drop dead of exhaustion and give up!) But yeah, people who think like me can be found outside of college: goal-less and dreamless people who float around in life, never really planning for the future...I don't ever want to become like that, but it's really hard to fight it:
Everytime i get a great idea or goal for something to do in this life, I lose focus because the stupid pointless thing sucks me back down...and says "why do that, when there isn't any point to it? why put so much work and effort into making something if you are just going to die in the end?" .... and so then I stop whatever I'm doing and go through this whole stupid thing again. (like i was starting a clothing company, and then it occured to me that it was stupid to put so much work into something like that just to DIE, and so i abandoned that and the small amount of money i had put into it....)
But yeah, this time around i'm trying to stop that from happening, i'm trying to force myself to live life and do pointless things and not stop just because they are pointless...I'm trying to get caught up in the everyday meaningless things in this world: "like oh my god, i'm in a photoshoot! yay! my petty little world is complete now!" like it matters!... or maybe i should start keeping up with celebrity gossip... even though i don't know who any of those people are.... really, how can anyone think that matters? why should we care about/know about someone we don't know just because they are famous??? shouldn't we care about the GOOD people we don't know (like heather)...isn't heather more important than brittany spears?? I think so!! She is because she is a better person. this whole world is just messed up and stupid, on top of being pointless! okay, i really need to stop thinking now. bye bye blog.
Finally, pictures from halloween (that you asked for 8 million years ago), and others from sep. - jan. !!!! I didn't crop any of the pictures, so they will take twice as long to load as my other pictures...sorry, too busy, too tired, don't care anymore...
Why is it that when anyone has anything mean, lame, unjustified, etc.. to say, that they never ever leave an email address or anything? If you say something, YOU (and not just your invisible online personality) should be willing to back it up: to back up your opinion, to take responsibility for your words... What I'm trying to say is that if you say something, it should be SO real/true to you, that you should be willing to leave your email address, that you should be willing to explain yourself. Maybe this website just attracts too many children (childish in mentality)....too many people wanting FREE designs...too many people only wanting to TAKE...people who don't CARE, people who don't want to THINK for themselves (free designs = people didn't want to figure out how to design things themselves...) I don't know. I don't know what it is, but I've seen messageboards on the internet where everyone actually has a real arguement, with facts behind it, and everyone is nice, even when they don't agree...I wish everyone could be more like that...(ramble, ramble, ramble...)
but anyways this post came from reading this comment: "i'm 21...i think you're kinda lame as a person, but your designs show a lot of growth..."
Ok, and now I'm going to be mean back, not purposely mean, but truth that's going to sound mean because it's mean to speak the truth sometimes: "this person was obviously really DUMB, because she didn't even answer the question right. The question was: "what is your age and are you a REGULAR READER or PASSING BY?" ... NOT: "What is your age and what do you think of me?" ... and then back to my original topic: If you think i'm lame (as a person), you need to say WHY and not just make random insults. If you think I'm lame because I eat mexicans for breakfast, than that is valid, because eating people is bad, (although could be argued otherwise...) If you think I'm lame for going to UCSD, and you explain why, then that is valid as well. It may not be TRUE, but it is at least VALID. Just saying that someone is "lame" is not a valid (true) statement, because there is no arguement to back it up. God, I feel like I'm in philosophy 10 - "logic" right now. (A class I took 3 years ago...)
But yeah, all I have to say is: GROW UP! Even though I don't get them very often, the thoughtless commments are rather annoying (and childish in the BAD kind of way).
"What's with you and sweeping generalizations?" (responding to a comment:) What's with me and sweeping generalizations? Well, it's just how my head works: taking evidence from different places and figuring things out and coming to conclusions about stuff. Of COURSE I know that any generalization for anything can't ever completely work and that there are always 8 million little things that are different about every little thing in this world, but without generalizations, we don't even have a starting point. We have 943579798454 billion things all on their own, which are all slightly different. So in a way, it's good to have generalizations and categories so that we can start somewhere. For example: there's a girl who wears black and goes to "gothic" nightclubs, so we could start off by saying "she's gothic" ...But then we get to know her and we say "she's gothic kind of, but not really because of this, this, and this" ...Generalizing is just a way to describe things. As much as it can be used in bad ways, it also can be very useful and used for "good."
Part 2: "You're very judgemental and a bit of a narcissist. You could start believing in something bigger than yourself, I don't mean religion, I'm an agnostic, but I can't look at the stars at night and believe it's all 'meaningless'."
By saying that I am very judgmental and a bit of a narcissist, you are being very judgmental yourself. Do you realize that?
Start believing in something bigger than myself? How can I do that if I don't even believe in myself? I'm not a narcissist. You just don't understand. And don't my sweeping generalizations tell you that I am looking at something bigger, at LOTS of other people? When I make a generalization, even though it doesn't SAY SO, it's always based on the many, many, many people I have talked to. And sometimes I'm just playing a bit. Obviously ALL smart people are not miserable. But with the kind of smart that I am talking about, they are. (Until they find a way out of it, which is to avoid thinking, by distraction...which is not REAL. So basically they are only covering up and forgetting their misery.)
When I say that life is "meaningless", what I really mean is that it is POINTLESS. It may have some kind of meaning, that's not what I am talking about at all. I just mean that people don't really MATTER, nothing really MATTERS...it's all pointless, and even if it has a point (God created people for....something and then to go to heaven), it is still a waste of time, purposeless OVERALL. Life has no reason to exist. Life is petty and small. Meaningless in the sense that nothing matters at all...If you achieve something in life, you just die, so who cares? And yes, maybe your life effected OTHER people's lives and maybe you are in history books, but still, THOSE people also do not matter and so therefore your hard work doesn't matter...
Oh I can't explain this right...
People exist for NO great PURPOSE. They live and die. Without us, the universe would survive, nothing would be different. It is pointless for people to exist.
Okay, and say you believe in God, and so there is a reason to exist in THIS life... well, fine, but say you die and go to heaven, THEN WHAT?! You are forced to live FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER in heaven, but WHY??? What is the point? What is the purpose?
Mother says God made people so that he could have friends. Then my argument would be: why does god exist? His existence is pointless as well, and the universe, and everything. NOTHING should exist, because there is NO reason!!!!
Why do things need a reason to exist? Because that is how humans work: they do EVERYTHING for a reason. You play to have fun. You have fun to be happy. You work to make money. Make money to live. Go to school to learn, or to get a job, or because someone wanted you to go. You read blogs because you want to relate to someone, interact with people, see other people's opinions, or because you're bored. You eat because you're hungry, and because you need to. You worry because you care, and you fear. You believe in god because you need purpose for your life, or because you've been taught that's what the truth is, AND SO ON! People cannot function without having a reason to do something. You don't make a decision just do something for no reason, there is ALWAYS a reason, even if it's subconscious.
But life, existence does NOT have a reason, or a purpose. Overall, the universe, god, people, do not need to exist, they serve no purpose! They do nothing means anything, overall. And this overall result of purposelessness makes EVERYTHING else under it purposeless and pointless as well. Your life is pointless because heaven is pointless because god is pointless and so on...
Understand what I mean? And if someone can ARGUE with me, PROVE to me that this is not true, then I would love that, I don't WANT it to be true, I WANT things to have meaning, but they don't. I WANT life to have a (real, overall) purpose; that would make me happy... but it doesn't have a point. Everything we do is all for an end result of NOTHING. Even going to heaven is nothing, because there isn't any point to be there because there isn't any point to be ANYWHERE because there isn't any point to "BE" at all.
People, things, universe, God, should just not exist at all. There is no point. It is a waste of everyone's effort.
The only reason I don't just kill myself is because their could be/(is?) a God, and so then when I died, I would still exist! And meaningless or not, I'd rather go to heaven than hell. (they say if you kill yourself it means you go to hell), so if I have to exist, I'd rather exist in the least painful way, since existing has to last forever... So yeah, I don't wish to die at all, I wish to simply just 'not exist,' because the thought of existing (possibly forever), without reason seems extremely painful to me.
Life is not fun for me. Things that excite other people don't do a thing for me. And when something is finally fun, it doesn't last. And then I realize that it doesn't even matter. Because everything has no point in the end...
Do you live in San Diego? If so, want to be an extra (no speaking lines) in my play or be my "door person/greeter" ?? Email me if you are interested...
Regular Reader or Passing by? what are you? AND how old are you? (do this even if i already have this info from you...yes, even you heather!) I'm trying to see what the average age of my readers is, and the average age of the people who just randomly find this site... so comment and tell me! Por Favor! S'il vous plait, and please!
"beatiful and stupid" or "smart and ugly" ?? asked a question on a quiz. what kind of question is that?!? it's asking: "would you rather have two good things or two bad things?" Anyone who is smart should be smart enough to know that it's much better to be stupid than smart, because stupid people really are happy. They are even too dumb to realize that they are dumb, or that people sometimes make fun of them. They don't realize that they lack knowledge and therefore are content. They will dance to lame music and be happy, they will be satisfied with anything they are handed. (hmmm...maybe I'm talking about certain Americans...) Smart people are usually miserable, suicidal, and think way too much for their own good. Their thoughts lead them into all sorts of misery, and so on. So yeah, who would actually *choose* to be smart??
20 hour days are no fun! this is too much for me...woke up at 8am...got home at 11:30pm...need to do homework until 4am...still won't even be CLOSE to done with homework...i'm soooo behind already....then tomorrow i won't be home from school until like 10 or 10:30, then wednesday i need to wake up at 8am again, won't be home till 11-ish, then school the next day, then photoshoot thing friday, then gotta go to school to orangize my play thing, then to marcy's thing, then to jason's b-day, then take more pix for someone at somepoint...then find time to do homework, and SLEEP, and then onto a brand new week filled with 15-20 hour days...YAY! so fun! *dies of exhaustion*
It's too hard to keep waking up so early for a tiny 2-unit class... only to have to sit at school 2 hours after that to wait for my next class.... AND it's just a stupid dance class and it's WAY too hard for me...
so i am dropping from 22 units down to 20. which sucks because that means NEXT quarter i will have to take 18-20 units, depending on what classes are open, instead of 16. but there just isn't anything else i can do.
Today, I marched off to school with a knife in my hand... so yeah, I have a real stalker now. fun. CAN'T MY LIFE EVEN JUST BE NORMAL!?!?!?!?!?! I'm so sick of dealing with so much stuff all the time!! dude, i'm not famous yet, i shouldn't have a stalker, doesn't he realize that?!?!
I joke, yes, but this is really serious.
so that guy (GUY means: creepy 40-something year old guy who looks a bit homeless but is not, judging by the cleanliness of his dress shoes) that was staring at me through the window a few days ago, who tried to open my door, left me a discusting note!! when i woke up this morning, there was this note by my front door...
the creepiest thing ever in the world. he is definately is crazy. the note is like scribble-sketches of a naked girl-thing with all this pornagraphic writing all over the place. Here I'll just scan it for you, so that I don't have to repeat anything.
And No, I haven't gone to the police yet. Just like I don't have time to respond to your emails and your comments, I don't have time to go to the police yet. (chris called them for me though, but it doesn't work like that...)
Anyway I guess there are like 5 r3gistered $ex offender$ around where i live, so i wonder if he is one of them?? (by the way i didn't spell that out, because I don't want creepy people searching for that and then getting my site)...
anyway, NO WONDER my mom is always paranoid that some "special" high-up people are out to ruin our family and get us... stuff like this ALWAYS seems to happen to us... really weird... THIS MUCH stuff should not happen to ONE family!! This is like stalker number 4 in the last year. Not counting the car that followed chris and I ALL OVER the place for an hour.
So much for doing homework tonight! One cannot function normally under such stressful conditions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
um GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! "CPS removes children when something serious alerts their attention. They don't go breaking up families at random. You are leaving out key details in your story."
that was a recent comment. it makes me mad.
YOU, person who is too something to leave your name, HAVE NO IDEA about anything!!! THEY DO go breaking up families at random. I bet you that if CPS visited every home in America, NO ONE would have any children left!! They pick out the littlest "normal" things and make them "bad" ...I know all about CPS...don't talk to me about CPS!!!
There were NO "key details" that are missing. There was NOTHING WRONG. In fact, when I get out of school, if i can find the energy to momentarily get out of this depression, I intend to SUE orange county for taking me away from my mom when nothing was wrong. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, DON'T TRY TO TELL *ME* ABOUT MY OWN LIFE!!! You sound like every other close-minded, brainwashed adult in this world, congratulations.
I'm two+ hours late for bed! eeeeeeeeep! i'm not doing good with this get home at 10:30pm thing! and i have to wake up at 8am... stupid school times 2!
i am SO EXCITED about two things... but i can't say what they are, because it's bad luck. everytime i go around telling people about things, they end up not happening...
AFTER they happen, or close to, i will tell you.
People always SAY things to me, and never follow through (like a webdesign company hired me and i was supposed to be in a music video in new jersey... the design co turned out to be a fraud... ripping some other person off for $10,000 and the music video people disappeared into cyberspace, so i no longer get my hopes up for anything...)
You know, sometimes I just wish that I had a webdesigner... I wish I could just say "hey I want this done!" and have it done for me. Or business cards, or just anything. I wish that I didn't have to do everything in the world all by myself. I know that I do have a friend who would help out with some stuff if I asked, but how can I be a designer if I don't design my OWN stuff? Like I was thinking of having a friend do my artwork/design for my CD's, so that he could have his name on something, and that my CD's would be a bit more "real" ...because for SOME reason in this world, if you have OTHER people do things for you, it makes them more REAL. It also makes you more of a real SINGER if you don't blog or talk or let people know you...you know what I mean? If everyone was friends with Brittany Spears, she wouldn't be the worshipped person that she is (ick), she would just be "oh that brittany girl who blogs" or "oh that's just this girl we know" ...It somehow makes you less important when you take the time to communicate with other human beings. Or so it seems. You have to write in third person to sound important. haha...
There are very few people that I feel comfortable going shopping with... does anyone else feel like that? like clothes-shopping...i don't like having people wait for me to try on clothes and stuff... and even grocery-shopping... it just feels weird with some people. something to do with me being shy, i think.
yay! relatives save the day! so once upon a time (last year) my aunt and grandpa were going to give me money for food, but i dropped down to 12 units and so they said "no money for you!" but after taking 22 units last quarter and getting good grades, and now taking 22 units again, and starving, i managed to convince them to give me some money for food. YAY!!! i guess this is the closest i will get to being like the other kids at my school... (MOST of them have mommy and daddy pay their rent, car insurence, car payment, college money, food money, clothes money, and EVEN high high high cell phone bills, etc...) But yeah, YAY FOR FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! food food food !!!! Maybe now I will finally lose weight too!! (I gained weight from not eating enough...I am scarred with stretch marks as well now)
An AGGRAVATING email, and my response to it. I won't include the person's email address, because I don't think they meant any harm. Their email: Hey. I thought I'd let you know that you're bloody ripping people off. $10 an hour for HTML/CSS maintenance? Come on. HTML is a fairly logical & simple language. Don't you think prices like that are a bit... too much? Yeah. Oh, and your site forces me to scroll horizontally - alot. Thats usually a design no-no. Thanks. I.P. 142.161.111.71
My response: Actually, I just don't want to do ANY work at all. People are too cheap to pay any money for anything, so by writing $10/hour, It just makes all the user people who want something for FREE not bother me.
And no, html/css is not that HARD, but it still is time consuming and I feel that my time is worth at least $10/hour. Am I worth less than that??? Is ANY human worth LESS than that?? Rent is $800 a month, not to mention other bills. Minimum wage is like $7.25 or so, I'm not asking much for than that. So what's the problem? Most web designers I know make $1,500 a site or $36-$60 and hour. Why do you feel it's so wrong of me to ASK for $10/hour (not to mention that i ALWAYS end up working for LESS. usually ends up being $1.00-$2.50 an hour. I think I made $10/hour ONCE.)
"Oh, and your site forces me to scroll horizontally - alot. Thats usually a design no-no."
Yes, I know that. It scrolls that way on purpose. It's designed to scroll that way instead of vertically. I know that it's annoying, but the concept is neat...right? haha...
Anyways I am sorry that you feel that I am ripping people off, but in reality it is people who are ripping me off. I've done 200 hours of work for $250 + $50 of free pizza. They wouldn't pay me any more than that, no matter how much I argued. Only one person had EVER had the decenceny to INSIST that I be paid $10/hour. All the others have paid WAY LESS. So that should make you happy. I might as well work at a sweat shop. I'm sure that they pay better than the people who pay me.
starving to death!! i just can't do this anymore...school without food...too hard, dying...and i don't get home until 10pm and that's IF chris actually picks me up from school on time (9:30) ....i do have a little bit of money... but i just can't bare to spend it on "eating out" ...it's at least $5 to get anything half-way decent or filling to eat...and if i bought food everyday, it would add up to $150 a month or so, and that would be to just eat ONE time a day...food needs to be cheaper!!!!
Hmmmm...was everyone's new years resolution to spend less time on the computer? Where is everyone?!?!? All the people who normally comment are scarce or have disappeared...and it all happened around new years! Maybe Aliens took everyone... is the logical answer just that everyone is just on vacation?
Everyone made up a secret code and they left me out! Why are people so indirect when talking to each other? If you mean something, just SAY IT, don't hint at it!! I never ever learned how to do that...which is bad in a way because it means that I don't catch on when someone is trying to say something to me without really saying it...
For example in the car Marcy says "I'm cold." And my reaction to that is like "aww poor thing" or "that sucks, poor thing." but never in my life did I get that those comments could have anything to do with the car heater! I forget the heater exists sometimes! When I finally figured it out, I told her "you are supposed to say: HEAT, NOW!"
On the other hand, I guess I'm no better, at least in that type of situation...I would just freeze to death and never say anything at all (too shy). But at least when I actually DO say things, they are direct and honest. That whole hinting stuff is over-rated... But would someone explain to me WHY people do that??? And maybe the heat thing wasn't a good example...I don't know what one is, but I'm sure you must know what I'm talking about...
Dropping off the face of the Earth... Because of the 22 units I'm taking this quarter, the play I'm producing/maybe acting in/maybe directing??, and the modeling I'm SUPPOSED TO DO, (almost everything I ever try to do falls through...haha) I probably won't be going out at all this quarter...I'll probably have NO TIME for friends, and no time for letters as well. So don't think I'm ignoring you specifically, i'm just REALLY BUSY AND STRESSED! But I will try my best to at least be half a friend...
but honestly, in addition to all the stuff I have to do, I really, really, really just do not feel like being social. I feel suffocated by people. The phone never stops ringing (mainly it's my mom, haha), and then just so many things...I feel like I never get time to be ALONE! I'm going to go crazy soon! I need at least a month to just be by myself and not have to talk to anyone! I need to get my energy back...everyone drains it! I need a vaccation from everything!!!!
down with the record companies! haha...everyone should just download all the free music they want, and give like a $$ per song to the ARTIST. I think that would be great... Because really, the record companies rip off the artists more than the people! The people at least pay money to see shows...
Hahaha, I defeated the "first day of class" bookstore line! So if you've ever been to college, you know that the line at the bookstore during the first week of classes is about 2 hours long...
Well today, I got to the bookstore before the line had really formed and forgot that there would be a HUGE line at some point, so i doddled around looking at 9 dollar pens that are too expensive to buy, and so on. By the time I finally got my books, the line was 18 million years long and I had 30 minutes to get to class! There was no way I would have gotten to class in time if I had stood in line, and there was no way I was going to leave without the things I had spent forever picking out...
SO... I went to the computer section, where the register person was turning away anyone trying to buy books and not any computer stuff...so...I decided to buy printer ink! It was perfect...I got to buy all my other stuff there too, all thanks to the printer ink...and It only took like 2 minutes instead of 2 hours...I then happily walked past the HUGE line and out the door and got to class in time :)
But yeah, everyone who can should try this trick! It at least works at UCSD....
Here they are complaing that because of MP3's, people are BUYING less music (which is true), but I was thinking about it, and I stopped buying CD's long before I had a computer. Actually, I rarely even bought CD's ever. I would wait for christmas and ask for CD's... It would have taken a whole month's allowance just for me to buy one CD back then...And nowadays, I would much rather buy records than CD's... Vinyl makes the music seem more real and more valuable somehow... like magic and fun kind of... I think that All CD's should go away and the only things that should exist are records and MP3's. Mp3's are more useful, practical, and with a portable MP3 player (ipod) and a computer, you never ever have to get up to change the CD, EVER. You never have to even TOUCH a CD that way. And then records should still exist because they're fun (oh and also, DJ's need them)...
Sometimes I am afraid to ask questions because I am afraid of asking something that I am already expected to know.
Maybe someone told me the answer before, but I don't remember, and if I were to ask again, then they would think I didn't care about them because I couldn't remember or wasn't paying enough attention to them. That type of thing.
Other times I've been scared to ask questions about music (bands, etc), because a lot of people already expect me to know all this stuff, when really, I know very little in comparision to a lot of the people I hang out with...
If I know someone REALLY wELL (which is like 1 person, haha), OR 100% not at all, then I'm not scared to ask anything, but anything inbetween makes me nervous and shy.
Like meeting someone from online, or that I've SEEN in real life before can be hard because I feel like I'm expected to know certain things about them, and then I feel bad for not. And I don't want to make them feel bad (unloved) for not knowing, so I just say nothing instead.
Best compliment of 2004 The best compliment I received all year, in my opinion, came in a letter from an internet friend. (am I allowed to put your name?) After saying that I inspired him to express more of his ideas, he wrote:
"There is a whole different level of intelligence that you belong to and you know what I mean (I hope). You're extremely intelligent. (Honestly, extreme is even an understatement.)"
I thought that was great. It's great because it means that someone actually understands me...
I remember Jason thinking that I was stupid for doing something a certain way once(having to do with THIS webdesign), but really, whatever is was was just really really really well thought out. When looked at closely, it was actually a "smart" thing, not stupid...MY choices had many specific reasons behind them.
People that are REALLY smart are sometimes labled as "crazy"...but that's only because the regular people just can't understand them... I'm rambling now...bye.
I don't wanna go to school, mommy! no, no, no! School starts monday, and I have to wake up at like 7. i am SO not ready for school to be back. It didn't even feel like christmas break existed! I've still got so much stuff to do! (the last few hours I've been working on people's letters...) and I have this whole list of 8 million things to do before tomorrow...ahhh!!!
and my play is in 4-5 weeks and i still need to find actors!! soooooo stressing! and i'm taking 22 units again.... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
(And Marcy, where is our stupid class??? It's not on the map and it doesn't appear to be English, or even a language from this planet...!???!)
btw, I learned how to knit! I said that I wanted to learn how to knit and My brother's mom (Jen) taught me, yay! Unfortunately, this is another one of those things that takes 10 million years for me (at least for now). I was up 12 hours straight trying to finish a scarf, and only finished about 1/4-1/8th of it in that time! Luckily Jen is going to finish it for me so that I don't kill myself!! But I'm already trying to knit a new scarf... It took me forever to re-figure out how to start a scarf, but i got it now...(hopefully i don't forget again!)
Well...I guess I complained a few mintutes too soon!(see post from earlier today for complaint) Minutes after writing that, Chris and I checked the mail on our way out the door, and I thought I got a letter...but I opened it, and instead of a letter, it was the greatest thing in the world: a piece of paper with $20 inside that said:
CD please. Keep the change.
It was from Sarbrina, the sweetest person in the world :)
I think that we should all go around clicking on each others' ads, so that we all make money, and totally cheat the ad system....
I really hate how Google's ads work...(the opening in MY website's window thing). How do I find individual people who want to buy ads, WITHOUT having to go through some other system which will take our money??? I am really sick of having a website, and working on so many things in my life and not making any money in the world for anything!! Time = money, but for me time = no money = no food = not happy. grrrr.
What makes me the MOST mad, is that if i had JUST $1 for every template anyone has ever downloaded from me, I would have $168,000 !!! Of course the problem with that is that people are SO CHEAP that if my skins had cost $1, only about 20 people would have ever used them. I HATE this world!! All I want is to just be able to make money somehow! But even with "real" jobs i get ripped off and walked over and used by Bosses...I've done the work of 4 people + a manager at the same time and only gotten paid $6.25 an hour! grrrrrrrrrrrr!
New Years Stuff... So everyone is wrapping up their years and making new years resolutions, as if any year is really any different from the next...
life will go on in the same way, just as it always has, but if you'd like to believe in the "hope" of a NEW year, a chance to start over, then go ahead...
i think it's really silly that people make goals/resolutions each year...if something is that important, shouldn't you ALWAYS be trying to do it? do you really have to wait until the NEW year to start it??
but oh well, i will still make up a list of things as well, just for fun. some i'm already doing, some i'll never accomplish, but yeah:
2005 New Years Resolutions 1. Record a real CD. (Yep, this is one of those I probably won't get done) 2. Do things RIGHT AWAY, including writing people letters back. 3. Graduate from college. 4. Start smoking. (just kidding. but everyone else should quit!!) 5. Be in at least one play. (This one will be hard, there are no more auditions at school) 6. Go back to being myself (nice, patient, um, those kinds of things). 7. Get out of San Diego. (i think i'm stuck here though!!!!) 8. Open a club of some sort. (Oh look, another joke!)
9. Shoot the creepy guy who keeps walking back and forth and looking in my window, while brushing his teeth!?! (No, this one is NOT a joke.)
10. Buy blinds. (haha) 11. Don't trust people. 12. Stop wasting time on people. 13. Go out less. (because it's not fun) 14. Lose weight. (HAHA) 15. Eat more. 16. Go outside and play. 17. Stress less.
Oh my gosh...the creepy guy just tried to open my apartment door!! Or something!! (but it was locked!) And then I yelled "who is it?" and he said "sorry I was looking for kelly" (how did he know i wasn't kelly?) and then i heard him say something like that to someone else, someone who probably wasn't even real, and then he went back to walking down the street.... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! why are there always creepy scary people outside my house?!?!?!?! I called the police the last time someone kept staring in my window...
No wonder my mom is always paranoid!! Too many strange thing happen in our lives!!
the fun and exciting thing i did for new years!!!... I slept! haha... I was waiting for chris to get out of bed and help decide what we were going to do for new years, and i ended up falling asleep! (and so did he) ...then we woke up a 2am.
i had a dream about songs that were recorded on parking meters, and chris using a violin bow with his guitar to make a song the way i wanted.
