so this is kinda funny, and really stupid... chris and i were listening to some old sampler C.D. he had and i was trying to find out the name of one of the songs by typing in the lyrics... no luck, except for i found a poetry site with the lyrics, and some random girl pretending that that's her POEM that she wrote! she had even mangled the lyrics a bit, probably by accident.
what is WRONG with people these days?!?! can you get ANY lamer? so many people on the internet steal other people's art and try to say it's theirs, and then there are the other internet people that are just really really super mean to people. so lovely.
okay, how about THIS version??.... so i re-filmed a couple things and added a few more clips and changed the order of a few clips...it's still not perfect, but i am trying desperately hard not to waste too much time perfecting it.... anyways, tell me what you think? is the story easier to understand now? also, if you HAVEN'T seen the other version, your opinion might be more valuable than those who already know what's going on.... fixed version of my little film - click here to view (6mb)
i can't help but wonder how many parents forget to teach their kids not to stick knives in the toaster...
i guess it's not very important nowadays, because they make toasters bigger, and so things don't get stuck in them as often... i tripped over the cord of our cheap toaster and it broke, so my mom gave me her 70's toaster, and it is so hard to toast a bagel in it without it getting stuck...i had to unplug it and use a knife to get it out... lol
New Pictures Here are a few of the pictures from my shoot on thursday. A couple of the pictures are going to be used for a page in calendar promoting night clubs. On Broadway Nightclub - modeling pictures The funniest thing is that I am not their normal type of model - they usually use perfectly highlighted blonde models with big boobs - and I am SO not the right type of person to visually promote THIS nightclub. This is an overpriced (but really cool looking) nightclub that plays completely mainstream, ordinary music, and has a strict dresscode. The pictures definately do not tell you any of that...but oh well...I guess maybe that wasn't their point.
I made a little movie all by myself!... "of all the stupid reasons to kill yourself" click here to download it! (5.6MB) [PC/windows users, use THIS link for best results.] click here to view it. I filmed it, edited it, wrote it, wrote and played the music for it (no singing though), and was even IN it. LOL ... it was just something I was trying to do "real" fast...to capture a sudden idea, so the set is absolutely horrible, and so is the makeup! (the make up is supposed to be horrible, but that doesn't mean I like it! haha) anyways, I've never ever touched video/sound-editing software in my life, until today!...I used my digital camera to take little clips, and then edited them all together into a little "film" ...
anyways, watch it and let me know if it was "effective" or not. Could you understand what was going on and everything? Oh and since the stupid "web" version is so small, I'll have to tell you what the little paper says: "with another"...
also, there are inconsistencies ... I edited most of them out, but there are still some things that don't quite match up...but I really don't want to fix them...it's not worth it...I filmed the whole thing in less than an hour...and I could've edited in an hour or two as well, but I tried to get the sound perfect (as perfect as the bad recording would allow), and I tried to get the credits to do certain things...etc...Anyways, go download it and tell me what you think...bad or good. (and yes, I'm already quite aware that I don't look so good in this, so DON'T tell me that!) click here to download my "film"! (5.6MB)
so i thought that somehow it would be in my best interest to... let any random person on myspace add me as a friend (because i never ever would reject [or add] anyone ever, they would just sit in my inbox until the end of time)...and i thought somehow this would be a good thing... but really, it's just VERY annoying. I can't find any of my REAL friends ever, AND i can't ever see any of my real friend's bulletins...and it's just really annoying. these people who added me don't even talk to me for the most part (but i'm too busy to talk to them anyway so it's a good thing...), so i don't see the point of having them there. I also don't want to send out bulletins of where i'm going to be hanging out either with all those random people i don't know anything about as my friends... but yeah, there's like 100+ of them and it's going to take like 65 years to delete them all...especially when i can't even tell who my real friends are anymore...they all have strange fake names and pictures that aren't them and things...it's impossible to tell who anyone is anymore! ahhhhh!
in the past year i've learned that pretty much nothing will ever be perfect... i know, i know, such a silly thing to "learn" ...because isn't it obvious? well, it was never obvious to me. when i was little, i was as close to "perfect" as a child can be, and NO, i don't mean grinning-smiling-kiss-up child... i mean that i did everything i was told, everything i was supposed to do, because i wanted to, because it was the "right" thing to do...i was told that i was supposed to do my homework ONCE, in my entire life, and then always did it every day without anyone EVER telling me to do it (don't you wish boyfriends/husbands were that way?!) ....i was just a "good" child... naturally ... and everything i ever did had to be perfect ...i would use 100 sheets of paper to make just ONE drawing... i would organize the cans in the cupboards all neatly (at age 7! weirdo child! lol) .... everything always has had a "right" way to me...and that "right" way means the way that is best... closets are perfect when organized in rainbow order... raver bracelets have to be made in rainbow order... and another thing i like to do is dress right for where ever i'm going... because it's fun to try to get it "perfect"... wear the most perfect electro clothes to an electro club, wear the most perfect raver clothes to a rave ...and so on...anyways, so naturally i thought that there would be other perfect people in the world as well, and that dates could be perfect and things...but i've learned that they're not....(unless the boys TRIES, which is SO rare), that nothing is like a fairy-tale, nothing is like a movie...and do you know why? because it is YOUR fault, because YOU don't make it that way. Life can be whatever way YOU want it to be. You get to paint the picture. You get to make your own reality.... and it is the fault of lazy, dreamless, boring, stupid humans that things are NOT picture pefect. You get to be ANYTHING you want in this world, you get to make your world however you want it to be, and it's completely stupid to just give that up and live "as is" ....
I hate this entire "as is" world and all it's "as is" people...i hate how everything has to be so unromantic, un-dream-like, un-movie-like, and so on. We create movies, so why can't we create our own world? We create characters in movies, so why can't we become like the characters we want to be? Is it because it wouldn't be "being ourselves" ? Is that why? Is that your argument? Because if so, it's a bad one! Is saying "thank you/you're welcome" really being yourself? NO. It's not natural at all! It's not really being yourself. It is being the way that you have been TRAINED to be. It's completely unnatural. So if you can say "thank you," then you can be anyone you want to be, shape yourself into whatever you like, shape your reality into the way that you believe things should be.
I refuse to live in reality the way it is. I refuse to serve people food that's not arranged perfectly in the most perfect dishes, i refuse to wear boring clothes (except for when i am depressed and don't care to live at all...lol), i refuse to accept stupid american humour (like "married with children" and other dumb TV shows), i refuse to let my life be ugly or boring. the end.
current news and stuff i feel like hiding from the world forever...i haven't been going out lately, and i haven't really been on the internet much either. and i like it. it's so nice to not have to deal with people, to not have to fix friends' problems, to not have to talk. i have no desire in the world to talk or to be social...i actually don't really want to do anything at all. obviously i force myself to go to school, and i also force myself to do any projects involving modeling, singing, acting, or go-go dancing... but really nothing really feels fun to me...nothing really makes me happy. i am indifferent towards everything...either that or things bother me.
lately chris and my mom have been driving me crazy, but that's nothing new. my mom always comes into my house when no one is home, and makes my house into a mess. and then chris messes up the house as well...and no one cleans anything but me, and when i finally can get someone to do something, they do such a bad job that it either makes the house look worse, or just creates more work for me. stuffing everything in the closet is NOT cleaning!! and no one seems to know how to get dishes clean, except for me...and i don't have time to do dishes!
oh and then chris hasn't worked for the last 3 weeks... the company he works for is no longer having employees work for them. yeah, so chris finally got some part time work that will last for a few days. the problem s that RENT is due in a few days and chris has (negative) -$123.00 in his account, as usual.
i am so incredibly sick of the same problems over and over again. will they EVER go away? but i know that if i want to be with chris then i have to be willing to deal with the problems that go along with him as well. i swear he is like the nightmare roomate from hell.
and everything is so confusing...because while chris is my "boyfriend" and we are going to get married and all that stuff, because i couldn't live without him, we still don't even ever kiss or anything. i don't like him in that way anymore. he feels like a mom to me almost or something... someone you love more than anything and can't live without...but not in a romantic type way... or something. i don't know. and then he's starting to feel the same way about me...isn't attracted to me anymore...i don't know... everything is such a mess.
there are 18 million things to complain about, but i've just given up. they are not going to change, not going to go away, so there's no use in complaining about them. i've tried my hardest to change them, and they won't change, so now i just have to shut and live with them, accept them. there is nothing else i can do.
having my mother nextdoor is the worst thing ever. i KNEW fully well that it was a bad idea to have her here. BUT it's the only studio in all of san diego that she can afford (REALLY) ...so i agreed to give up my sanity in order for her to have a place to live. Is that stupid or nice? I can't decide.
The worst thing about everything is that i just feel so "strange" lately...i have this constant maddening feeling that won't go away. i hate it. i never get any peace from it. it's yet another problem that won't go away. i don't even know what it is! it's kind of like living with a constant headache that never goes away, but instead of being a headache, it's a strange, aggrivating feeling....
i keep hoping that when school is over, everything will be okay...but i'm starting to think otherwise...
and i don't know where i want to live when i graduate...san diego has become "home" to me in a way...and even though i hate it in so many ways, it feels safe to me... and all my friends are here... i don't know if i could deal with moving to L.A. and having to deal with crazy traffic and meeting new people...or the competition that's there...i almost just want to move to the middle of nowhere and melt into nothing...i don't know...
I do have a head after all! I found my face in the video! yay! and my friend Joalby's: mayandjoalby.jpg
it's so funny, on our myspace garbage video message board eveyone is all upset that they "blacked us out" ... because we shot in much brighter light than that - or so we thought.
"The Electro Lizard!" Has anyone else seen the dancing Geico lizard commercial? That is the best commercial in the world! The gecko dances to an electro-y song, and then some guy trys to dance as well...
Doesn't this make you want to be in a music video too?!
So after filming and being stuck in a room and all sorts of stuff for over 8 hours, we all only ended up being in a total of 2 seconds of the Garbage "Why Do You Love Me?" Video. What a waste of time!
Okay and now after you look at those, you have to watch the video, because you won't even be able to see me really!!! Also, they didn't even stick us in until the end of the video, and all our 20+ (including 5-7 scenes) takes turned into one small small small scene. YAY.
The video can be found HERE. (link fixed. however it got an extra "t" in it when i just copied and pasted it, will forever remain a mystery.) Lyrics:
Why Do You Love Me
I'm no Barbie doll I'm not your baby girl So I've done ugly things and I have made mistakes And I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed So what if I'm no baby bird hanging upon your every word? Nothing ever smells of roses that rides out of mud
Why do you love me Why do you love me it's driving me crazy I get back up and I do it again I get back up ........... and I do it again
You're not some baby boy Why you acting so surprised You're sick of all the rules Well I'm sick of all the lies Now I've held back a wealth of shit I think I'm gonna choke I'm standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat Does it really come as a surprise when I tell you I don't feel good? That nothing ever came from nothing man Oh man ain't that the truth
Why do you love me Why do you love me it's driving me crazy I get back up and I do it again X3 I get back up ........ and I do it again
I think you're sleeping with a friend of mine I have no proof but I think that I'm right And you've still got the most beautiful face It just makes me sad most of the time
birthday party? so my birthday is in about 18 days...eeep! how did that happen??????
anyways, i was thinking about either trying to drag all my favorite DJ friends to a club and forcing them to spin only records *I* like...and making flyers and promoting that and inviting everyone i know (kinda like last year, but at a club and not a house and with MORE DJ's...)
either that, or somehow getting music from around 1929 and having a dress up 1920's-1940's cocktail party at my apartment and invting only close friends...
which one should i try to do, option #1 or #2?
the bad thing about #2 is that means i will have to come up with money to buy alcohol and food for people...last year people helped out and we came up with $200 or so... but I feel bad when people give me money... so i don't know...
when i graduate (college, in june), i hope that i get to take a whole year off from LIFE... i want to finally be able to rest...i've been through SO MUCH in the last 14 years and because of school consuming my ENTIRE LIFE, i have never gotten a chance/time to repair myself...
i'm completley falling apart inside and out...i'm getting wrinkles (at age 21!!) under my eyes from never sleeping, my skin is completely damaged... my whole body is just so worn out from pushing myself way too hard...
i want to start brushing my hair every day and doing my nails more than once a year... and maybe start exercising or something... i want to start rollerskating again...and climbing trees and going outside to play...
and then in so many ways i've become mean and cold, hard... almost completely detached from emotion and compassion... and i need to try to fix that as well... because what i am now is a monster... yelling and screaming at everyone and then crying at things from the past... I need to take time and try to work out all my emotions and stop being upset at the people who have hurt me... and i need to learn how to love again...
ok, yeah...maybe i'm not that bad...BUT there is at least part of me that is. part of me that will snap and yell in an instant (i only can yell at two people though)...and then there's this other part of me that's new as well, where i've just given up on the concept of fighting pain, so it's almost impossible for me to be compassionate anymore... it's kind of like "oh, your dog died? so what? it doesn't matter because we are all going to die too. it will all be over soon..." I guess it's not the opposite of compassionate, it's just more like apathetic. I just can't fight anymore ...all the fighting in the world won't keep pain away. I've given up. I've finally accepted that things suck and they are not going to change, ever. I will just live with them until I die. Life is short anyway... And so it's hard for me to feel sorry for anyone else when i can't even feel sorry for myself anymore...i'm numb to my own pain, so i'm numb to other people's pain as well...I can't feel for anyone else if i can't feel!! but yeah, so i need to try to fix that part of me...i need to learn how to feel again or something.
i don't even feel human.
sometimes i wonder what would happen if someone close to me died... would i be sad? would i miss them? would i be able to feel THAT?
but yeah, so hopefully i will get to take a year off from life and not get consumed by some job or band or even going out too much...hopefully i will get a chance to rest and fix myself....
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".... Did parents stop teaching that at some point??! Seriously, is it REALLY necessary for people to email me or leave comments that tell me that I'm "ugly" or "fat" ... ???
do you guys not realize that THAT is being MEAN, and that people have FEELINGS, and that people are delicate and you shouldn't say things like that??
don't you realize that I already KNOW I'm fat and ugly? Can't you understand that it's very mean of you to rub it in???
hey kids, if anyone wants to buy pictures of me, go here: David Raywood [Fetish] Photography (these are the pictures I just took on the east coast...and there will be more up as time goes on) There are also pictures of other models [who are "sexier" than me, haha] that you can buy too. If you're rich you should buy lots of pictures because the photographer is REALLY great, (really), and also his adorable wife and him are going to have a baby soon so they could use the extra money... (i also make like $5 everytime a picture of me is sold, more or less, depending on the size...)
Happy Valentine's Day! click here (I made the text with an online graphic editing program from school...haha...not so good, but as best as I could do without being able to download a graphics program!!)
i'll be back (to writing here) maybe after tuesday? I have a midterm then and i need to study for it...and then i'm going to the east coast tonight until sunday to do some modeling stuff...
bitter taste that fills my mouth tangled up in this never-ending web if you let go then i won't if i let go then you don't hanging on for another moment twisted and sour my scars still bleed black and sticky all over you waiting for your words to heal them making me bitter as they rot away the remains of my soul.
the unobtainable busy too many people in your room crowded contaminated there is no special one too many countless faces they change my mind desire shifted done
