This is a great song, but why did they play it at a CLUB?! doesn't seem like dance music to me! it's something i'd maybe expect at a lame san diego club where MOST of the DJs don't understand what music we can dance to and what we can't, because they are lame and don't EVER dance...however that works... that's like being a shoe designer yet NEVER wearing shoes... how are you supposed to know if the shoes you make are comfortable? or how to make the shoes best for people? but anyway, i'm not complaining, because i like the song, but i just think it's really weird for an LA club to play this type of song.
'Time Is Running Out' - Muse
I think I'm drowning Asphyxiated I wanna break this spell That you've created
You're something beautiful A contradiction I wanna play the game I want the friction
You will be the death of me You will be the death of me
Bury it I won't let you bury it I won't let you smother it I won't let you murder it
Our time is running out Our time is running out You can't push it underground You can't stop it screaming out
I wanted freedom Bound and restricted I tried to give you up But I'm addicted
Now that you know I'm trapped Sense of elation You'd never dream of Breaking this fixation
You will squeeze the life out of me
Bury it I won't let you bury it I won't let you smother it I won't let you murder it
Our time is running out Our time is running out You can't push it underground You can't stop it screaming out How did it come to this? Ooooohh
You will suck the life out of me
Bury it I won't let you bury it I won't let you smother it I won't let you murder it
Our time is running out Our time is running out You can't push it underground You can't stop it screaming out How did it come to this? Ooooohh
Google takes over the world! i've been saying this forever now, but has anyone else noticed that google has started to take over the world? well, at least the internet...the funny thing is that they are taking over everything because they do it BETTER than anyone else. first they had the best search engine, then they took over blogger(.com) and made it better...then they made gmail which is the best web-based email i've ever seen, they probably are the most used company for text-ads that we buy, and they have BOOKS online, where you can actually read scanned pages of real books, AND you can search through the books! and now they have maps! even better than mapquest, or at least it LOOKs that way so far: click to see map
yay! sarah is the bestest friend in the whole wide world! tomorrow she is talking me to L.A. to go shopping for my birthday, (no, she's not late, we've had this planned since january) and then we are going to hang around L.A. and stuff and then go dancing at the newest version of club synthetic!!! we might even stop by amoeba records and listen to DJ B-how-ever-you-spell-his-name from dirty sanchez spin, or hang out at the standard (hotel) rooftop bar (downtown L.A.) and NOT buy any drinks because they are $15 EACH!!!!
big brother is watching...or someone else, but who? so when i started this website, it was for my friends to see, because, well, i didn't know any internet people. i didn't go to forums or chatrooms or anything. i hated computers. i didn't check my email every day. this was just my little journal and i had no one to show except for the people i knew in real life, and i didn't even want most of them to see. later i started to be on the computer more and have profiles on certain forums and stuff, and started designing stuff, so thousands of internet people started reading my journal, and so i started writing more for strangers than for people in "real life"...because you can be a little more open or real with strangers...you don't care what they think of you...you say "this is me, and if you don't like it, then go away" and they go away and everything is fine...
...the bad thing about this style of writing, is that it's not JUST strangers that are reading. this is the most un-annonomous journal in the world "MAYSTAR!" with a million pictures...there's nothing to hide behind...everyone who sees this site knows it's mine, and that kind of creeps me out. it's okay with me if random people and even some friends read my thoughts... but what about those people i see out all the time? what about those people who see me all the time...those people who i don't know, or the ones who i barely know...ones from clubs and ones from bars.... what do THEY think? do they gossip like petty little bitches? are they smart enough to understand? are they real enough to get it? and why do they just hover around and read and never say anything? why don't they say "hi, i'm this one chick, from this one bar...i've seen you a couple times, but you don't know who i am...." why must they be quiet and stalker like????? i KNOW for a fact that there are at least a few of these....and there are some of my friends who read my website as well and don't tell me.... i remember along time ago when i wrote something here about making out with/cuddling with gabe vega, people read it on my journal and told him! (he seemed shocked that something from his personal life was on the internet, but i didn't mean any harm at all, i was just saying "hey everyone, new boyfriend type person, aww how cute." I'm SORRY, but if someone is going to date me, it's NOT going to be a secret. i don't care if they keep all their other relationships "on the DL"....i refuse to be someone's secret, i refuse to be hidden so that i can easily be cheated on and whatever else. And guess what, if someone is dating me, they are NOT going to be dating someone else or else i leave! anyway, if he wasn't so self absorbed and actually was interested in the girls he dates, he would have already known that i had this website [because, hello, it's linked to my myspace profile] and he would not have been shocked to find i had an online journal) anyway it just makes me wonder: WHO told him? was it someone i know? was it someone i didn't know? do they hate me? do they like me? do they talk shit about me? i don't know ANYONE who hates me or has a problem with me, but i wonder if there could be people who do, people i DON'T know, that DON'T know who i am, who don't know anything about me except for the one-sided things they read here, a small fraction of the way i think.....it's so creepy that someone could see you and know all this stuff about you, yet you have no clue who they are...
I probably sing less than any other human who sings even a little bit.... lots of people sing in the shower...not me...sing in the car: usually not me. sing with friends: NO! not me. NEVER! sing randomly: not me. I think the only time I EVER sing is when I am recording a song or learning someone else's song (no doubt, tool, that kinda stuff). singing to me is the most frightening thing ever in the world, besides aliens and ghosts. or maybe even more so. if I KNOW a song 100% then I can sing it (in front of people) and be somewhat fine, but if I don't know it REALLY WELL, then I just can't sing AT ALL. I am afraid of sounding bad, even in front of just myself!! (haha) And I am shy and nervous. (Dance classes make me nervous as well). I'm basically just not really comfortable enough with myself I suppose... I also am terrified of reading out loud... it just feels too vulnerable ... like being naked at school or something.
in our singing class today we had to sing randomly to blues music, making up something... that's another thing I can't do ...just make something up on the spot to sing... I need TIME to write it out and think about (again, for fear of sounding stupid, which makes me freeze up), so yeah... I couldn't even sing anything for my turn, I halfway hid behind the girl next to me and said "make her go" and so they had to skip me and come back to me at the end where by then I had scribbled down some words...but it still was really hard for me to sing because the words were dumb and I hadn't gotten to practice first...I really like to be able to practice things alone before having to sing with other people around!!! aside from the 2 times in my life I've done karaoke (age 9 and 21, haha), the bands I've auditioned for, and this class, only about 5 people in the world have ever seen me sing (chris, my brother when I was 5, my mom, my friend Jennifer from when I was 10, and like one other person) ...and that's another thing, karaoke is ONLY fine if I know the song PERFECTLY. (months of practicing it...haha) THEN there's NO PROBLEM in singing in front of people... but I refuse to just sing some song I kind of know, or even know. Performing is one thing. Practicing is something else and should not be done with other people around... karaoke with a song you don't know perfectly is kinda like practicing and is something that I CAN'T do...like it's not like "oh I just don't want to" ...it's that I freeze up and want to hide under a table. the end.
kittens! my cat had her kittens today! there are 5. and it's so cute/annoying...everytime i try to go anywhere in the house, my cat runs after me and meows at me until i follow her back to the kittens and sit near her and them. it's like she needs a friend or someone to help protect her kittens...[picture]
For the longest time, I have wanted a job (I mean "career") that wasn't stressful, and wouldn't consume my life. I wanted something that I could escape from so that I could have time to do nothing and to have fun. Something that didn't require "homework" or more than 40 hours a week of work. I wanted a job where I would be able to leave work and have a different life outside of work. I didn't want to have to bring the stresses of work to the rest of my life. But I think I've decided, that aside from the stress part, I wouldn't mind having a job that consumes my life...Nothing else is fun, nothing else has a point, so I might as well work myself to death. Maybe acting wouldn't be so bad after all; spending every second of my life memorizing lines and stuff....although I would constantly be stressed, at least I wouldn't have any time to do anything else and it would appear to me that my lack of "fun" would be from having to work all the time, and not from the truth of just nothing actually being any fun. Instead of sitting bored to death at parties, I wouldn't have time to go to them and could trick myself into thinking that there are fun things in life, just no time to do them...So basically instead of being miserable from doing things that are supposed to be fun and not having any fun, I would be miserable from having to work so much and THINKING that I was missing all the fun things...which is a better form of "miserable" because then there at least appears to be a solution (going out), instead of going out a lot and NOT having fun, which has no solution. And problems with a solution are a lot easier to deal with than ones without one, even if it's only a fake solution...at least that way there can be "hope" (to have fun).
Grammar... It's kind of funny, I used to have really good grammar and get like 99% on all those standardized tests and things...but now I purposely use "i" instead of I (and it's NOT from laziness; it's because i like the look of all lowercase letters, although i'm trying to switch back to normal-which is why my capitalization is always so horribley inconsistant.) And then another thing I do is start sentances with "and" or "but" because it flows better, like talking, (instead of sounding like "writing"). And I use "..." a lot instead of normal punctuation, for the same reason, and then sometimes I change the placement of a period or comma when dealing with parenthesis or quotes because I like how it looks better...Anyway, I'm scared that if I keep writing like this, I might forget the correct way to write! But I'm not sure if that really matters...will I ever need to really know how to write? Do I really ever want to write in a way that doesn't sound like I'm really talking?
i tried going out again and didn't even have any fun at all...maybe it was because we went somewhere with really dumb music...or maybe it was because there were so many pretty girls all dressed up in their hipster clothes, and i felt underddressed and ugly to begin with... or maybe it was the fact that i was freezing to death the 4 hours we were at the after party...or maybe it was the fact that i didn't really want to go out...i'm not sure. i thought that because i was with my friends and that my other friend was going to be there that i would have fun, but i guess it doesn't work like that. oh and the whistle stop charges $5 cover now on saturday nights. ick.
i actually had fun last night. still not happy at all, but at least i had fun for a little bit. sarah and i met my friend justin at vice versa, and it was just us and lux (ken) in the ENTIRE club. we had it all to ourselves, aside from 2 creepy people sitting at a table. then almost everyone we love came (JJ, Linda, Mateo, Eric, etc...) and a couple of their friends- but we still knew everyone. we had so much fun and then justin and i had an after party at JJ's house, and that was even more fun...
i've never been so grateful for a bad grade before... I got a C in my art history class, well actually it was a C+, but that's still a C which really sucks because it is only my second C ever! but i'm not too mad because i was desperately afraid that i was going to fail that class (or get a D, which is also failing in terms of it counting towards graduating, or something like that...i've never gotten a D, so i'm not really sure how that works...) but anyways, i am SO happy that i didn't fail! YAY! and my GPA for the quarter was even really affected by the C...it was 3.40 ..... so if I take my last 4 classes pass/no pass my final GPA for college will be 3.345 ... pretty good for trying not to care about my grades very much (when i care about my grades they all have to be A's and all i do is homework and have no life...) I figure, i already got a 4.0 to get INTO college, there's no point of getting a 4.0 IN college, because i'm not trying to get into anything... so any GPA above 3.0 was good enough for me. well, not really, but i need to think that way in order to have fun instead of ONLY doing homework...at least in theory.
i've noticed that i respond a lot better to myspace boys calling me "cute" like "aww you're so cute!" as opposed to boys telling me i'm sexy. when a boy i don't know tells me i'm sexy, it really creeps me out and annoys me *because they are wanting to "hook up" most likely* but when a boy says i'm cute, it makes me feel like they are harmless and nice. or i think "ooooh how cute, he must be gay!" (really. lol) but either way, 99.999% of the time i ignore myspace messages from boys. if i don't have enough time for my real life friends or myself, why on earth would i bother to make friends with someone else??!!
Trying desperately to defeat the evil DMV... even though everybody knows it's useless. Who do you know with a good driver's license picture? No one, right? Not only do the pictures always look like mugshots, but for some reason, ever since they started using digital cameras to take our pictures (in CA), everyone looks Mexican in their pictures. Okay, well not everyone looks Mexican, some people aren't that lucky. Instead, some people look like they ate too many carrots. Others look like they were the at the tanning salon a little too long. My point is that NO ONE looks even remotely like their picture!! What is the point of a "picture ID" when the picture looks like someone who doesn't even exist?!?!
Anyway, I went to the DMV today to renew my license and I tried my best to get a "good" picture. Yes, I realize that the picture will turn out bad, but at least I TRIED! I wore a longsleeved red jacket to cover up as much "Tan" skin as possible, and then a necklace to be "cute" ... Also, I wore red because it seemed like it would go perfectly with my black hair and the bright blue background. I put a ribbon in my hair so that it wouldn't look so "blah" and I put WHITE (the color of snow!) power on my face over light colored foundation. I also put on red lipstick and did my eyes with the drawn on bottom eyelashes. The only thing I didn't get a chance to work on was the expression on my face. But it doesn't really matter, because everyone knows, no matter how hard you try, your driver's license picture ALWAYS looks HORRIBLE. I'm sure that in mine, despite the white powder, I will still look copper, and that the color red I was wearing will end up looking like the red of a picture left in a puddle of coffee for a week. We shall see. The stupid thing is, even though everything is all digital, it still takes them MONTHS to send us our ID's... Even my old highschool could make us GREAT quality ID's in MINUTES!! Why is the DMV so incompetent?!?! Not to mention the fact that they failed to even verify that I was me. I even changed my address and hair color! They didn't ask to see a picture ID, birth certificate, or anything... NO WONDER identity theft happens!
ok, I admit that I may be one of them, but do you realize just HOW MANY bad photographers there are?!?! And so many of these either claim to be or think that they are professional! Just because you know how to work a camera does NOT make you a good photographer!!! It requires EYES as well...And you see, despite popular belief, most people do not possess these!
I may be a terrible photographer as well (most of the photos on this site are taken by me -self timer) but at least I make my face/body look ok in most pictures!!! (that's really all I ever even attempt to do...I haven't gotten around to composition and lighting)... I make myself look skinny and what some may call "pretty" ... this is all done with camera angles and correct clothing sizes and make up. That's better than pretty much any photographer I've worked with... I swear, photographers are the dumbest species in the entire world. They truly believe that they can get a good picture by not really paying attention to details on their model!!!! Stuff them in clothes that don't fit (this has happened more than once), and make up that is not only hideous, but not applied right (this has happened more than once as well), and then they either think they have gotten a GREAT picture or wonder why the model looks so ugly when THEY photograph that model. grrrrrrr! I really don't see the point of having anyone else take my picture when I can do it SO much better. Yeah, maybe my composition isn't right, maybe my lighting sucks, but hey Shannon (photographer friend of mine) thinks I'm a good photographer and I don't look fat or too ugly in the pictures I take and that is ALL that matters!!!!
(I was looking at the websites of a few photographers...they even make other girls look bad... poor girls!!)
you know, i think i have a little too much fun torturing the people who pretend to me or steal my pictures or my webdesigns... it's actually kinda fun and exciting to catch them! if it wasn't for these people, i would have NO fun in my life....LOL
Thanks SO MUCH to Brittany for finding this.... yet another idiot has stolen my pictures and is pretending to be me. I swear I am going to start taking these people to court and get rich!!!
anyways, here's the plan, everyone with a XANGA account, go to this fake profile and leave as many comments as you can (like SPAM!!) and maybe we'll annoy her so much that she will never steal anyone's pictures again!!
oh and only one of the pictures will be mine by the time i get done with this... most of the pictures are hotlinked from my site so i get to change the pictures to something else! this is going to be fun...!!!!
trader joes carrots are better than any other carrots, ever... i've even tried to eat other good carrots at the same time, and they really do taste different. i'm also convinced that Vons bottled water tastes even worse than tap water. hehe
sometimes i just let our cell phone bill sit there for weeks, hoping that it will pay itself. it never works. i used to pay it the day it came. now for some reason i put it off, as though that will actually help in some way. haha
i have trouble knowing what "family" is supposed to be. i haven't seen my grandma in about 3 years. i haven't seen my dad and some of my brothers in 6 years. i haven't seen my step brother in 14. i haven't seen my uncle in maybe 4 years. but i don't even really notice. and i never call these people either. it wouldn't seem normal to call them. and i don't miss anyone. and i stopped "loving" people (family) when i was 7...everyone became the enemy for taking me away from my mom, and anyone who wasn't- i just grew out of loving instead. you can only miss someone so long before they stop existing.
i even have trouble being close to friends. everyone could just go away and i would live. i don't think i would miss them. i don't miss people, really. i've walked away from over 20 sets of friends because i had to move, of course). it's normal for me to lose people. i can miss people for a day or week, sometimes longer, but it's really rare. it's strange for me to have a friend more more than a couple years. i do have some friends from junior high and one from first grade, but i don't talk to these people either... i just know where to find them.
what is having a family and friends suppose to be like?!
i really love sleeping lately...which is a really weird thing for someone like me to like at all...because i always want to be doing something, getting something done, or having fun...never time to relax...but i guess it's not really sleeping that i like, it's dreaming. and in my dreams i do lots and lots of stuff, and everything feels even more real than real life. my dreams all have such a strong feeling to them, and i can feel more in them. i've even started to like nightmares as well...they are better than my real life. all my dreams would make such crazy obscure movies. from things like the bathtub suddenly being missing to a river type thing enclosed in peach that goes up to the top of a hotel to aliens kiddnapping people with a bus to website links on a door...each dream is completely different and new and exciting, with all sorts of places i've never seen before. i would much rather dream than live.
what is wrong with me!?!?! i am getting really sick of this! i am so incredibly sick of feeling depressed or whatever this emotion is!! it's not a sad kind of depression- (maybe it's repressed sadness though?), it's just a "blah" kind of depression.
it's so terrible: in some ways i feel like i need to get out of the house, and in other ways i feel like seeing people would be the worst torture in the world. i don't want to get all dressed up, yet i don't want to go out looking bad, because that makes me feel worse, and i don't feel like talking to people. and i don't feel like dancing... i used to LOVE to dance, and now it doesn't sound fun at all. i am completely broken!!! what is wrong with me?!?! i've been avoiding my phone more and more, and haven't really seen anyone in the past 4 months...
and it's spring break and i haven't really done anything yet...nor gotten anything done (except a few emails and a little cleaning), nor gotten any rest... i've slept some, but never enough at once. and i don't even feel free like i could go do things if i wanted to... i feel tied to the house like i've got stuff to do - but it's only cleaning. and i was supposed to do a few photoshoots with friends, but i haven't gotten back to them at all. i just don't feel like having to pick out clothes or do my hair...too much effort to put into something i really don't care about. (i don't care about ANYTHING anymore.)
and people keep asking me what i want to do after graduation (for a job), and i'm starting to realize that i HATE absolutely everything... even the things that don't pay well and are supposed to be "fun" or creative... Go-go dancing seems like torture, especially when the music is bad. Modeling is horrible because you get to be some rag doll thrown around and dressed up and made up in ways that you don't ever like...you don't get to have any creativity of your own... and then you have to try not to be all bruised up to model, which means that you don't get to do anything fun (climb trees, etc...i can't even walk through my house without getting bruises!)... and you have to try to take care of you skin and make sure it looks good and get enough sleep, and you have to try to stay thin.... these things all seem too hard for me... and then acting is so annoying as well.. having homework everyday is not fun! (memorizing lines). and then acting is completely uncreative as well. some may argue otherwise, but really it's just trying to be someone else perfectly. that's not creative. and on top of all these annoying things, none of these things pay enough to even eat! and everything else i want to do requires too much money that i don't have (owning a club/coffee shop, etc)...and having a clothing line feels like it's already been done...WAY too many times. just nothing seems like it's going to make me feel any better about life. nothing seems worth doing. accomplishing things seems so stupid. what does it all MEAN? nothing.
i guess the last hope in the world i have for happiness is singing and when that doesn't work or i get sick of it, then i don't know what i'll do.
at this point i am just so unhappy that i almost wish i'd rather be sad. (no, sadness is not the same as being unhappy.) i really can't figure out why everything feels so terrible... i'm thinking that maybe part of it could be that nothing in my life is new anymore. i'm used to moving an average of twice a year; i'm used to new houses, new schools, new friends (new friends meaning not having to keep in contact with any of the old ones), new places, new neighborhoods, new things to explore and do... and then "going out" was very very new to me, and there were new boyfriends and new clubs and new music ... but now i've lived in this apartment for almost 2 years straight, and nothing is new, nothing is exciting. everything is the same and the things that i loved so much have grown old. as much as i hate packing and unpacking and moving, i almost think that i NEED that. who knows. why am i SUCH a mess?!?!? why can't things just be normal and easy? why does every little thing have to be wrong?
new pictures Glamorous Rebel Fashion Show i'm the one in peach/orange/whatever color you want to call it. i don't know what happened but the photographer didn't get any pictures of me (as well as a couple of the other girls) on the runway ...which sucks, but oh well. if you look at the last few pages of pictures (page 6 or so), you can see some pretty scary pictures of me...which of course will never be added to MY website... i could have stopped them from being added to that one, but oh well.
life is so fun...yay my mom is getting evicted or something like it. i guess the property management doesn't like that she takes in homeless people and cooks them breakfast and lets them have a place to sleep sometimes. and then some other stuff, so they are kicking her out. which means she has no where to live! and we are not going to be able to find any other place that's only $300 a month for her to live. there aren't any in all of california! the only reason it's so cheap is because it's less than a studio (no kitchen)... but yeah, and no one is ever able to deal with being roomates with my mom or anything, so i guess that means she's going to be homeless or something...
why can't i just have normal parents who have a car and a house?!
chris is completely useless when it comes to music.... he can write the most beautiful songs, but then he can't ever play them again...which basically means we'll never have a finished C.D. or be able to play live. it's so annoying trying to get him to play something the same way twice. i'm not sure how he has a band. it must be different with them because he plays really ugly songs for his band...grrrr
the notebook was such a cute movie. i wish i could have lived in a time without TV, internet, and cell phones... i'm convinced that life was more fun when everyone wasn't always glued indoors, stuck to their computers and so on... i miss just hanging out outside and playing with other "kids"... i don't think kids go outside anymore. at least not in california. i've seen a total of 4 kids playing outside in the last 4 years. i guess the internet was a good invention...it keeps your kids indoors...haha...
did anyone notice... that when you comment, you can now see IN THE COMMENT BOX, what blog you are commenting on? That is all thanks to Hossein who did some unknown magic trick to make all our code work. he's very helpful when there are problems with comments. that is what happens when you are nice to people and give them money for all their hard work :)
I think I agree. (credit: trevor [from L.A.]'s myspace blog) "women are crazy, but i love them.. k? that's just something that i've come to accept. they never say what they mean. they never know what they want, unless it involves shopping. they want you to read their mind. they get all emotional and upset at you, when it has nothing to do with you. not all women are crazy, but most of you are!! women have things that bother them that either have no reason/logic behind them or they have no solution. so men can't fix their problems, but they're forced to suffer through them. (comment from his girlfriend, i think:) you are very right...... 98.9% of women do not say what they mean and want.... it's proven that women are better at emotionally multi-tasking and can get involved in so many thought processes at once.... men on the other hand are not capable of this.... but for some reason women think they are.... (same girl, a month later:) ok..... i will tell you exactly what i want so as not to drive you crazy, but the thing is.... is it would be helpful to know that you are alive.... you think that if you disappear for a few days that maybe that is what drives the girls fucking insane??? its called worrying.... and after the sensation of worrying goes away.... it turns into rage..... after the rage, it turns into hurt.... and this pattern can sometimes repeat itself depending on the situation and the female herself..... guess which fucking mood i'm in, babe...
Excerpt from "Atlas Shrugged" [Note: It's not written gender neutral because this was before Political Correctness. Don't let this fool you into thinking it applies only to men!]
[Some people] think that sex is a physical capacity which functions independently of one's mind, choice, or code of values. They think that your body creates a desire and makes a choice for you -- just about in some such way as if iron ore transformed itself into railroad rails of its own volition. Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment -- just try to think of performing it as an act of selfless charity! -- an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body...
Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives -- and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values, and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence -- let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration but of charity, not in response to values but in response to flaws, -- and he will have cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward the woman he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying... Then he will scream that his body has vicious desires of its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom and sex nothing but shame....
Only the man who extols the purity of a love devoid of desire is capable of the depravity of a desire devoid of love. "
there are some things i want to say to people, like: "hey, no, i like things like this instead..." or "i'll like you better if you do this..." ...but of course, you CAN'T say those things. and actually in my case, i think it might be okay to say those things, but, i am too shy, as usual. I think sometimes i write things HERE, trying to hint things to certain people. who knows if they ever get it. and the worst thing is that sometimes people think i'm hinting to things and i'm really not. actually, that happens to me a lot in life. "what are you trying to say" they question my random phrases, searching for meaning...when really, most things that i say have no other meaning than what they are. if i tell you that you are like a piece of toast, it does not mean that you are boring or something, it only means TOAST. nothing more. just something random that wasn't meant to mean anything at all.
are you kidding me...?! why is it that people try to put "professional" websites on FREE webspace sites??!?! I'm sorry, but you are never going to make money like that! The 16 million pop up and banner ads just make people close your site and go away! besides that, they won't believe that you actually have ANY customers, because if you did, you would pay for a decent website! Get a domain name: it's only $10-15 a year and webspace $10 or so a month, depending on who you get it from... things on the web are SOOOO much cheaper than they used to be, and if you are trying to make MONEY with your site, you have to make it decent!!! would you trust walmart if their website was www.angelfire.lycos.com/users/punk/walmart ????? NO. you would think it was a fake website that was going to rip you off!! Completely unprofessional! If you're going to be professional, the design alone is not enough. you NEED a domain name and real webspace; it is NOT optional!!
I really hate that (internet) people sometimes think that... when I'm complaining about being fat or ugly that I'm just wanting compliments or something. that's just not it!! I complain because it is the truth. despite what anyone else thinks!!! i KNOW that i am ugly. and i know that i have too high a percentage of body fat. I DON'T want people to argue with me!
I think comforting or helpful comments would be things like "don't worry, brittany spears has cottage cheese legs too!" [The magazine that my mom bought for me taught me that... Oddly enough, Mia had read the same magazine... maybe "In Touch" magazine is a popular one?? I've never heard of it before...but then again, the only magazines I've owned in years are the ones that people (Mom, Chris, Jason, Gregg) have given to me.] Anyways, things like that make me feel a little better, because beauty and skinniness only exist in COMPARISON to other people!!! How big something is is determined by how big other things are. A person is HUGE compared to a fly, but a person is TINY compared to a mountain. So depending on what I compare myself to, I can be either fat OR skinny. I compare myself to the size I need to be for the kinds of jobs I try to do. Modeling and Go-Go dancing requires you to be skinny...really skinny... Yes, there ARE bigger go-go dancers... but guess what? They only are allowed to work at underground clubs, and guess what?! Those clubs don't pay very much at all. I want to work somewhere where they actually pay me enough money to have food...and for that I need to go to the gym (ICK!!!) or something, as well as losing about 10 pounds and possibly some BONES.... haha...
But yeah, there's that, and do you know how horrible it is to go to a modeling job and have the clothes they want you to wear be TOO SMALL?!?! It's the worst feeling in the world... It makes you feel so incredibly fat... In order to be a certain kind of model, you do need to be SMALL. And I am NOT small enough for that. So until I find time to lose a bit of weight, I will still feel incredibly self-conscious about going to modeling jobs, because I KNOW that my body could be in much better shape... Maybe if I would stop eating cake frosting for breakfast I wouldn't have such problems...
Clara Bow is my favorite movie star... everyone should watch the movie "It" from 1927 ... Clara is (was) just the most adorable thing ever... after watching "It," I tried watching another silent film without Clara, and it just wasn't the same. It seemed really empty without her. The girls in the other movie i watched were cute as well, but they just didn't light up the screen the way that Clara did...Clara seemed to have this warm, playful personality and the best facial expressions ever...
Also, "The Jacket" is a good movie... my friend took me to see it tonight. There's one scene in it that doesn't seem to fit well in it at all, but the rest of the movie was good.
It's Spring Break... I don't know whether i should clean my house or try to return a few emails...
(i know: 'how fun!' but actually, it really does sound better than going out... i can't have fun when my life is so unorganized!) i am so behind in life...my house hasn't REALLY been thouroughly cleaned ("the right way") for months and months, and i've even fallen behind on emails with real-life friends....i've got 764 myspace emails (99.9% from friends) and i'm wondering just HOW MANY of those i put aside to respond to "later" ... it doesn't seem like i put aside THAT many... but i also don't remember responding to very many either... who knows.... at some point in time i got into the habit of reading emails and responding to them in my head (thinking about what i was going to say in them), and then never actually getting around to REALLY respond to them!!! (and it would sometimes feel like i HAD already responded, because of all the things i had though about...)
but yeah, hopefully i can get caught up with most things in a few days... then maybe i will feel okay with going out... i really want to go to a rollerskating rink and ice skating and i also have at least 10 neglected friends that i would hang out with them during spring break. i want to see people, yet at the same time, i really don't feel "ok" enough to really be social. i'd rather hide and clean my house. i still feel a bit suffocated at the thought of people. oooh... i also kinda want to go to knott's berry farm ... i actually want to go to beach-side carnival type place from the 1920's, but since those don't "really" exist anymore, i think i'm out of luck.
does anyone else remember pager code? not like i actually ever got to have a pager, but everyone else did... and at one point my boyfriend and i would say "143" instead of i love you so that we wouldn't get in trouble. (i wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend). 143 = i love you 637 = always and forever 99 = night night and that's all i remember....
this doesn't make any sense to me.... okay, so when warning people about "dangerous" drugs, like the date rape drug and so on, WHY do they give out the NAME of it?? wouldn't it make more sense to NOT tell people the name of the drug? isn't it enough to let them know that it exists, what it does, and to be careful of it? by giving out the NAME of the drug, it just makes it so that MORE "bad" people will be able to get their hands on it!!!! ...i would think that it would make more sense to try to keep the name of it as secret as possible...
i'm starting to wonder if maybe being treated like child would make me happy.... maybe i'm so unhappy because i've always got 8 million responsabilities on my shoulders... mine and everyone elses...
no time to play because there's homework... maybe when school is over things will be okay again ... i didn't get this miserable until about a year ago ...
...sarah says it's normal for people my age to be a mess like this... does that mean it will go away on it's own? maybe i just need a vaccation. maybe if i went roller-skating every thing would be okay again... who knows... i am too busy for anything fun ... god, what's going to happen to me when i get a real job? i am the type that overworks and ignores their families... i wonder how i got like this? i wonder if i would be like this if i had grown up with my mom? maybe i'd at least be a little more human if i had...
one thing i CAN'T do is make popcorn... the kind that is made in a pan with oil at least...it always burns. maybe it just isn't possible? well, if anyone ever needs to create smoke for a film, just burn popcorn! ick! *cough cough cough* ----------------- if i were to ever fail a class or a test it will be my art history class and final tomorrow... it's the hardest class i've ever taken in my life. i heard that the professor was hard, but i never imagined he was THIS hard. it doesn't help any that i've never even really taken an art history class before, not this kind at least... and of course, i'm behind on the reading, because of my stupid play...and because it is incredibly hard to focus on reading boring blah school books... especially ones written 500 years ago...grrr!! well, back to studying...
i'm still trying to decided whether i should go to bed at 4am and get 8 hours of sleep, or just not go to bed and have an exrtra 8 hours to study ... it's really amazing how short 8 hours becomes when you are trying to accomplish things...each hour goes by in about 5 minutes...it's horrible ... i wonder if i am okay enough to go get another night without sleep or will i not be able to think for my test??
one thing i have always been incredibly bad at is playing the role of the strong and confident wounded girl... you know, those girls that just stop talking to you, that make you chase after them and beg and plead on your knees like an idiot for their forgiveness...the girls that don't NEED you...that can live without you...
i always fail horribly with any slight attempts to be that kind of girl... i've always seem to run back to the people who hurt me instead of not talking to them ever again like i mean to...
i remember 5 years ago when chris would hurt me, it was always me that would call him instead of me waiting for him to call and say he was sorry, although a few times he did bring me letters and flowers...but mostly it was always me being sorry even though i wasn't the one who did anything wrong. it's like i just couldn't live or feel at peace without talking to him, and i didn't want to wait until he was finally sorry or missed me...i am so incredibly bad at playing any types of games...
a quote i saw in a picture of a graffitied wall said something like this: "when you fall in love it's because you've found yourself (someone just like you). when you fall out of love it's because you hate yourself."
twisted perception of life blindfolded sheltered from the truth you close my eyes to hide your lies and let me believe that everything is fine
you open my eyes and my false reality is shattered perception of life was a lie all that i thought i knew is no more everything had been different all along i just never was allowed to know what was true.
to answer your question... my birthday party was OK...the people who came all looked really cute, and the girls were all happy that they had a reason to dress up...but some of my friends who had promised to come never showed up (one had car trouble, another 2 didn't wake up until 3am, 3 just never showed up for some unknown reason and so on...) but yeah, so that was kinda depressing and so i didn't really have fun...but that's okay because marcy had fun for me instead...haha...
i really don't know how anyone can expect me to be happy when there is always something knocking me right back down from any small amount of happiness i might find.
and it's really terrible because in the last few months, life has gone from being "un-happy" to "un-fun" as well...it used to be that even if i wasn't happy, i could still have FUN sometimes... now it's gotten to the point where i am not happy AND nothing is fun. no wonder i always want to die! i keep waiting for things to be happy though...i try to make things fun...it just doesn't seem to work. i don't know why.
the fashion show i was in on sunday was almost fun. i think that the 30 seconds i was on the runway might have been fun. i think i liked it because it's like acting. because you're there but you're pretending that the audience isn't. and then to me, modeling, like everything else, is like acting, because it feels like i'm being someone else and not me. everything feels like that. everything feels like it's not really real; like i'm only pretending. when i go-go dance it's like i'm playing the character of "go-go dancer", when i model it's like i'm playing the role of "model" ...it feels like i'm not really anything at all and everything is just pretend. not that there's anything wrong with that, it's partially fun like that, but i sometimes i wish that i could actually feel like i AM something instead of just feeling like i'm pretending to be something. i feel like i am just a collection of characters played by one person...that's who i AM, and yet i wonder if i am supposed to be something other than that...something consistant...something that's the same in every situation... but that's just not a part of me... i'm too adaptable ... put me around someone who drinks a lot of water, and i'll drink a lot of water. put me around someone who never drinks water and i'll go for days without water without complaining. there is no "may MUST have THIS in order to be okay" ... i just take whatever i get and never ask for anything more. i remember chris telling me how crystal would always want to stop at gas stations to get soda. that's just not me, but i wonder if it's wrong to not be that way??? i just let myself go thirsty and suffer. even if i was the one driving i would still suffer...just go drink water at home or something...even if i won't be home for 12 hours...maybe it's just because i don't want to waste money...i don't know...
my back it hurts again it aches like history Cottonmouth and all lit up your smiling back at me, but
I feel you must have failed me once again you've let me down my confidence below my knees now I need to find you out
Chorus: Peek in, sneak about I'm gonna snoop and call you out I've caught you, you're hands are red Now I'm your broken hearted detective
Hey, hey hey
Hey lover why the gun? Hold on I'm almost there It's too late you've killed the trust Don't act so unaware
Why are you so destructive? Do you realize what you've done? you can't bring it back to life now What are you running from?
Chorus
I don't like the way it feels I just want you to be real
Hey girl, save the liar Can't you see his pants on fire? Hey girl, save the liar Can't you see his pants on fire? I'm rummaging through your closet Imagining all the worst thoughts
stretched-out elastic my ability to just bounce back to 'normal' after things are bad and sad and horrible is really wearing thin. it's getting to the point where it's too hard to get back up anymore...where i just want to lay there and die instead. i mean, of course, it's always wanting to lay there AT FIRST ... but now it's just getting harder and harder to get back up at all...i'm like a worn-out piece of elastic that just can't go back to normal anymore; that just lays there dead instead; all used up, over-used, or abused.
last month i barely even made it to my own play, two days in a row. chris and i got in the worst fights ever...and i just layed there, crying and dead, and i just didn't want to get up...i didn't care if it would mean missing my own show causing the whole thing to be cancled, it was just too hard to get back up, to go on... but of course i did get up, two days in a row i forced myself out of my emotions and got there and did everything i was supposed to do... "the show must go on" ...it's like life but theatre people are usually better at it...you don't get to call in sick for a bad day, you just have to drag yourself on and on and on and forever on and on and on...block out feelings and go on...and i just don't feel like i can keep going on like this... i can't keep being knocked down and getting back up... i can't keep having my world shattered and then pasting it all back together again... there isn't any glue left...there isn't anything to hold it together anymore....it's all used up, it's all gone...there isn't anything left.
my apartment building caught on fire yesterday (OUR apartment didn't burn though) ... i was at school and according to chris, smoke was coming out of 4 of the apartments and 7 fire trucks came. The only thing chris rescued from the apartment was my computer and a bottle of vodka (to drink if our apartement burned down...lol)
also, my mother bought me (and chris) a burial plot (grave) for my birthday...well not FOR my birthday, but at least ON my birthday, by chance... lol ...and chris's mom just bought us both life insurence, at least enough to bury us when we die... is this a sign that i'm going to die soon? LOL
the rest of my birthday was not any better. after waiting for hours for chris to take me out to dinner, it was too late (10:30pm) and all the resturants were closed, chris said "we could go tomorrow" ... and it's like hello idiot, tomorrow is not my birthday! it's not the same!!! oh here, let me take you out to dinner after you had to suffer through having a terrible birthday! and chris didn't get me a present, and i had to send him to go buy me a cake (an ice-cream cake, because i HATE real cake) ... and he wasn't even smart enough to figure out that he needed to buy candles. grrrr. so basically it ended up not even feeling like a birthday at all. i spent the day feeling depressed and crying instead.
and then the only present i did get was pretty, but proved that the person who gave it to me obviously wasn't paying attention to one (or two!) of the conversations we once had, which made me really sad. but whatever, why should it matter if the people i love actually LISTEN to me?
a paper-less society... i wonder if one day paper will go away completely (aside from artist paper)...and everyone will have laptops and things instead... i wonder if the recent over-use of computers in the last few years has helped the poor rain-forest trees at all...???
as much as i am exhausted from life, and want to take time off after college, i just know that i am going to end up just as busy as ever when i graduate instead...i am too much of a work-alcoholic to do nothing!! at the very least i'll end up spending 5 hours a day cleaning the house - grrrr. i always feel to "restless" to rest ... there's always too much to do...
yay. the car broke down again on the freeway. grrrr. and the horrible thing is, we will NEVER have money for a new car. college degrees are worthless these days. my friend graduated last year and now she's a cocktail waitress. another friend graduated 3 years ago and he makes like $12 an hour. this world is just too hard to live in.
once upon a time i wanted to be an actress, and i was going to "make it" ...or die trying... but i lost my motivation, and my passion for acting...i don't want to act anymore, i don't want to do anything...i don't know... i just wish that we had a stupid car that actually worked and enough money to buy enough food to eat. i think that food should be free, and cars, and houses, and health care, while we're at it.
i'm so sick of everything always going wrong! why can't my life just be normal?!! almost everyday i have to deal with our stupid electricity going out; either the breaker trips, or the fuse blows, and when the fuse blows we sometimes have to wait days to get new ones. once it was a couple weeks. it's always lovely to have to try to get dressed and ready at night when there's no light in your bathroom or bedroom!
on top of that, our car always breaks down. it's a stupid american made car, so of couse it's badly made (and we were taught as children that things with 'made in china' stickers were bad! i can assure you that cars and laundry soap made in the U.S.A. are farse worse!!!) ... no one can fix are car...we've poured thousands of dollars into the stupid thing and it keeps breaking. apparently chris spent an hour on the side of the road today. lovely.
on top of that chris hasn't had a job for about a month now. i paid the rent with what little money i had. but i'm not sure what will happen next month. i just can't stand living with everything in chaos!!
i wish i could just have a stable car, stable electricity, and a stable boyfriend that went to work everyday and didn't always get laid off...life is too stressing, i just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
on cans of hansen's soda it says that if you mail them the tab off your can, they will donate 10 cents to cancer research or something like that... i think that is the stupidest thing i have ever heard of. it costs almost 40 cents to mail a letter ... so people are spending 40 cents to give 10 cents, which then has to come out of the hansen's profits, so everyone is losing mass amounts of money, and the cancer patients or whatever are barely getting anything. it would make much more sense if the people just gave their 40 cents directly to the cancer place instead!! then that 40 cents would not be wasted on postage, and hansens wouldn't have to give away any of their profits.
i always find it funny when someone thinks that they know my "style" ... because i have no definate style!!! it changes all the time, depending on what influences me - films, music, art, history, and random experiances influcence my style... like my twiggy-style eyelashes and red with blue hair (2 years ago) were somehow influenced by altered MOD barbie dolls - (some artist would completely customize these dolls, including attaching eyelashes to them and dying their hair crazy colors)... then there was a phase in high school i went through where i owned leopard print shoes, purse, skirt, and shirt...so family members, for years, assumed that i liked leopard print, even though by that time i was really sick of it. by the time someone catches on to what they think my "style" is, i no longer like those kinds of things. nowadays people who see me at clubs assume that my style is electro-80's, but it's not. that's only what i wear dancing!! and that was only a thing i decided to do for about a year, and now i'm really sick of it...no one wants to have the same style for all of eternity. anyways, i guess my point is that people who think my style is just basically one thing, really don't know ME at all, (and apparently haven't seen me on different days!) ...and anyone who could miss the fact that i'm NOT really a hipster or a scenester (or a raver! lol) is really a questionable friend. oh well, at least Marcy gets it. well, for the most part at least. i still think everyone is at least a little deceived...everyone seems to think that to some degree I'm some person that I'm not; they think i'm "better" than i really am...very few people seem to realize that i'm just normal...well, okay, i am strange a little, but i mean: Normal as compared to hipsters, and scenesters, ("...and bears, oh my!") ...some people seem to be slightly intimidated by me, and i just want to laugh and say "HELLO!? i'm just the same as you!" but i guess that people can't see through the clothes...
i don't know what i'm talking about anymore, so i shall go back to writing my miserable paper.
it's so funny: other people worry about writing a "good" paper, but i just worry about being able to write ANYTHING at all.... i never even get to the point where i worry about it being "good" ...i am always too frantically worried that i won't be able to write anything to begin with!!! by the time i actually find something to write, it is always too late to try to make it good...either that or i am so happy to have anything written that it FEELs like it is good; like the mere act of writing it was "good" ....either that or i put so much effort into writing it at all, that i just don't want to ever look at it again, and so it never gets edited, or bettered.
i spent the last week or two being terrified of two papers - it even got to the point where i wasted at least 3 days doing nothing but being terrified by the papers! and struggling to figure out WHAT i was supposed to write, WHAT the question meant.... that's always the hardest part of writing a paper - figuring out what on earth the teacher wants you to write. it's always so frusterating, because their sentances never really make sense... it's like the teacher was trying to use big words and complex sentance structures, but was too dumb to get it right, or purposely got it wrong to make us suffer and try to figure out what we are supposed to answer....
anyways so i am done with my papers now (i know i didn't do one exactly right, but i just don't care anymore, i want to be DONE.) and only have two more papers to write, and they aren't very hard. after that i need to read about 700 pages for my art history final, memorize about 100 slides, with name date and location, memorize my lines for my acting final, memorize a song to audition for the acting for singers class *scary* (and that class is REALLY hard to get into), and then i have to do 8 million things for my birthday party - including rent silent films, try to wake up at 6am to get into some class for next quarter, then i have to audition for an acting class the next day, try to make it to a photoshoot at some point, then have my b-day party, then be in a fashion show in L.A. the next day, and then after that i have my 2 finals and singing class audition and then FINALLY SPRING BREAK starting march 17th.... rest at last! no actually, then i will have to clean my house, which will take at least 3 days, then i need to make dentist and doctor appointments, and i'm sure there are some other stupid things that will eat up my spring break as well. plus i promised to hang out with some people i haven't spent enough time with...(which is everyone) sometimes i just wish that i could run away from everything and just SLEEP!
Standards going UP... All my life I have been friends with EVERYONE...I have always refused to have standards, because having standards means that you are judging other people and all that stuff. To me, having standards was a form of discrimination, and just not nice!!! I've been friends with people that I had nothing in common with, and people I didn't really like (sometimes), and then I've been friends with a lot of people that I constantly have to "forgive" ...and of course, my family yells at me for being friends with such jerks, but that's because they don't understand the concept of compassion for the most part, haha... But yeah, of course I'm smart enough not to be friends with such people, but I always want to try to give people second (and 800th) chances and so on, I try to understand that everyone is human and allow for imperfection.
but that is all in the past. I am SICK of unreliable flaky people, sick of people letting me down, sick of being lied to, sick of not being able to rely on anyone.
I WON'T MENTION HIS NAME, but I have a certain friend who said that he would help me out with making flyers for my party, and find music and DJ and stuff. I talked to him on the phone for about 2 hours as we both looked for music and flyer images and he preached about how he would go look for music at record stores for me, etc... (I don't really have time to do everything myself because of finals and the papers I need to write...I usually INSIST on doing EVERYTHING myself so that it will get done right)...But anyway, I try to call him the next day and he doesn't answer the phone. and again. A few days later I get ahold of him and he says that he's not going to help me anymore...which is really fucked up because I was counting on him, I TRUSTED him, and it creates A LOT of stress for me to find that something I thought had been taken care of wasn't. If he would have just initially told me no, then it would have been fine...It's just the fact that he made me lose those few days... If I had known that he wasn't going to do my flyers, I could have just done them myself real fast and printed them out on my computer, and handed them out LAST WEEK...Now I'm going to have to make myself them AND they won't even be given out on time... Hopefully people can come up with a costume in less than a week!!! grrrrrrr.... and then he was like "and I can't be your dj either, and I'm not going to be there on time because I'm going to see a show, etc, etc...it's just like GRRRRRR! I didn't even ask him to be my DJ! he was the one that WANTED to be! he's not even a real DJ or anything...it wasn't my choice to have him, I told him he could because he wanted to!! and now he can't even stick to his responsibilities??!! grrrrr!!!!
isn't that a lovely thing to do to a girl for her birthday? tell her you are going to help her out, and then abandon all your responsibilities and "Change your mind" and decide not to at nearly the last second.... how is that being a friend??!?!?!?
how is it fair to let me down like that after I took this person out to dinner for his birthday and bought him a present and made sure he had a good birthday??? I'm glad that he cares about me enough to stick to doing what he said he was going to! GRRRRR!
anyways, I am sick of being friends with people who let me down and make me sad and cause me stress. that is NOT how friends are supposed to be. they are supposed to help each other and make each other feel better. I have good friends that I could spend my efforts on instead of the bad ones ... I am sick of being friends with people who cause me pain. from now on, I am going to start firing my friends; anyone who repeatedly lets me down is going "bye bye" forever. I don't need any MORE pain or stress in my life. I have enough already!
grrrrr....i had my resume on an old floppy disk (which had a virus on it, lovely) and somehow it lost it's formatting (whatever that means) and i can't get any of the info off the disk now! so bye bye to hours and hours of work and thought! it also had chris's resume on it!
computers REALLY suck! harddrives lose information, CD disks lose information, and now floppys do too! I GIVE UP! there is nowhere reliable to store anything!
i might have a copy of the stuff i need on my old old computer, but guess what?!! it's missing! i'm thinking either chris threw it out and doesn't remember or someone came in and stole it (WHY they would steal that awful thing and nothing else would make no sense)...either that or aliens got it! it's completely gone! i tore the house apart looking for it, and it's just not here!!!!!!! :(
my mother continues to drive me crazy... she never ever stops wanting things. she always wants help with things, needs to borrow things, lightbulbs, food, to use the oven, she wants us to drive her to nevada, and on and on and on....she just never ever leaves me alone! she is so completely dependent on other people and never does enough for herself! she expects everyone to do everything for her, or something. she blows all her money on buying things for other people or on stupid things and then expects me to give her food or something, when i don't even have enough money for anything!!! grrrrr
i don't have money to help her, and i don't have time! i have enough of my own problems to deal with! on top of that she calls me 20 times a day, leaving message after message and she stole my other journal and read it. she doesn't seem to know how to respect people or anything!! and she comes over to cook and makes a HUGE mess and then doesn't clean up, or when she does clean, it just makes things look worse! and then i let her borrow my microwave (to have at her house), and of course, the little spinning glass try that goes inside it got broken! sometimes i come home to find her sitting in my house, and then she won't leave, and she yells about how everything in the world is my fault... that it's my fault she didn't get my dad back, my fault that there was an earthquake, and on and on and on....
i am just so incredibly sick of being harassed and abused and used. and yes, mother tries to help me as well, but she always expects something in return for her help, and usually the kind of help she gives is stuff you DIDN'T want her to do! i am going so completely crazy, i wish she would just leave me alone and let me breathe!!!!!!!!!!
not like it really matters... but it sucks: i've missed seeing so many movies that i wanted to see in the last few months... starting with the grudge and then including almost any scary/suspense movie after that...(i forgot all the names)...so many of them looked like they were going to be really good... and it's never the same to watch them outside of a theatre... i think i've seen an average of about 2 movies a year for the past 4 years, because they are waaaaaaaaaaaaay too incredibly expensive. it's even more expensive to go to the movies than to drive 2 hours to L.A. and go dancing!
can you tell i'm faking it? today i was telling chris how he's pretty much the only one that can make me laugh. everyone else is super lucky if they can even make me laugh once a year!
i remember once upon a time, i had a boyfriend for two years and i "loved him to death" and all that stuff...but he never really made me laugh...i hadn't ever had a boyfriend that made me laugh, so i didn't know that something was missing... and then i met chris... and my whole outlook on relationships changed. not only are relationships suposed to be romantic like romeo and juliet, the boy also has to make you laugh! but, there's a catch...most boys have an absolutely TERRIBLE sense of humor...it's not that it's bad ... it's just that the things they think are funny, AREN'T. They are completley retarded and stupid. You know, that stupid al-bundy/homer simpson humour... The kinds of things boys say and you just want to look at them like: "why are you alive?" and then never talk to them again... because if they can find something that stupid, pathetic, dumb, and ugly, FUNNY, (and not in some ironic way, either), then they obviously are annoying, ugly, AND have no capibility for any intelligent conversation. but anyways, so basically what i'm trying to say is that if it wasn't hard enough to find a guy that even knows what the word romantic MEANS, now the only acceptable choice in boyfriends also must include a completely RARE sense of humor. NOW try finding a boyfriend! ha! it's impossible!
but yeah, laughter is such an important thing in a relationship. laughing, like really laughing, like almost falling on the floor laughing keeps you healthy...and if you don't laugh enough, you will end up bitter and yelling at people, like me! haha....but anyways, so back to my conversation with chris...we were both talking about how half the time we have to pretend to agree with other people's humour...(chris was homeschooled and raised christian, so he wasn't exposed to all the retarded little boys with their stupid jokes that aren't even CLOSE to funny, so he turned out to be the sweetest, nicest, most romantic, coolest, cutest little boy in the world)...and i was saying how so often i pretend to laugh at so many things... i spend like 99% of the times that i "laugh" ...completely faking it! and it's not that i mean to lie or be fake or anything, it's just that some people say such stupid retarded things that i just don't know what else to do. they are just SO retarded that i don't even want to know that person anyone, and so i just pretend to laugh. it's all there is to do! either that or i could be completely mean and say "you are so stupid, why do you say such retarded things?! what is wrong with you?!?" in the most annoyed voice ever. and it's not that it annoys me, it's just that it honestly makes me completely dislike that person. i don't like people like that. i like REAL people, and to me, people that go around with their unfunny al bundy sense of humour, are FAKE to me. i like SERIOUS people... serious people that are fun and sometimes silly.... if that makes any sense.... but yeah, so i was telling chris how i am constantly having to fake-laugh at all this stuff, and he's like "i know, i've heard you, it's funny" and i was like "and the funny thing is that they don't even know i'm not really laughing!!" and he's like "yeah, you're secretly mocking them and they don't even know it!" ... i always think that i have absolutley no subtext to any of my dialogue; that everything i say is completely straightforward and sweetly blunt, but i've discovered that when i'm talking to people who say retarded things, i do have have subtext to what i'm saying, only it's completely hidden subtext and no one could ever pick up on it except for ME (and also chris), it's like half the time i will tell people "that's cute" or some other random thing, and what it really means is "oh my god, you are so retarded, why do you have to be so lame?!?!"
and then back to fake laughing...there is also conversational fake laughing, where we (group of girlfriends, maybe) all kind of laugh at the stories we are telling, but no one is REALLY laughing...it's not real, it's like half-way...i've noticed, it seems like everyone does this...it's very strange.
