bye bye house, bye bye stability, bye bye security. today was a wonderful day. (sarcasm!!) we got a 60 day notice that we have to be out of our aparentments...basically we are being evicted, but it won't show on our credit. why are we being evicted when we've done nothing wrong? well, because my mom is here. they don't like her, so they figure the only way to get rid of her is to get rid of us.
in addition to that, chris is fired from his job. that's what his boss said...but his boss is a little tempremental, so it might be a false alarm. you never know.
so basically we've got a broken car, no job, and no house. lovely. can't ANYTHING ever be just NORMAL?????????????????????????????????
how the hell am i supposed to do homework under these conditions?? how am i supposed to go to school tomorrow? i am SO SICK of going on and on and on, through one bad thing after the next, still doing homework, still going to school, still waking up... when will i ever just get to REST??! when will i ever FINALLY get to just collapse and cry? i'm tired of being strong, i'm tired of surviving. i want to just cry. i want to cry for years and years until there's nothing left to cry about...i want to cry for all the times i just went on with life and wouldn't let myself cry, wouldn't let myseld FEEL, because i just had to go on, to LIVE... that's all that's ever mattered...just trying not to DIE... worry about crying later... waiting until i have time to cry...waiting for highschool to be over, no... waiting for college to be over...and then i'll finally get to cry, right? no. no, then i'll be in the middle of trying to find a new apartment, trying to find money to pay bills with...always something. WHY must humans LIVE??? what is the point of going through all this crap?! life is NOT fun. life is torture. this is HELL, this is not "life" ... everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.... we are in hell...i'm almost convinced of it.
i just want to give up now. i just want to collapse. i've had enough of this life. i don't want to have to do homework, i don't want to have to go to school, i want to just cry and be sad that i'm losing my home. why am i never allowed to do that? why do i always have to just ignore all my problems and go on with "life"...??
no inbetween all my life i have been really really sensitive. every little thing would hurt me. and the only way for me not to be such a cry baby is to be cold. so it's either i'm a cry baby or i'm mean (or at least not very sensitive). there's never anything inbetween. there's only what's normal for me (sweet yet a crybaby) and then me with layers of walls up (cold and/or mean) ... how are other people nice and caring yet NOT over-sensitive?
la la la la...stuck at school once again. WHERE ARE YOU!?!! did you fall asleep yet again? are you purposely trying to get me to hate you or something? grrrrr! I should have just had chris pick me up. I didn't *need* you to pick me up for once...i *wanted* you to.
grrrrrrrrrrr! i HATE not having a car!!!!!!!
speaking of cars, poor marcy's boyfriend's car got stolen and stripped. when they found it two hours later it was only worth like $300 and $200 of that went to the towtruck. bye bye pretty silver car. he didn't have full insurance for it, so now all he has is $100 and NO car. i feel so bad for him. if i had a car and it got stolen i would be so upset...that would be terrible! how's he supposed to go to work and stuff? luckily he can share his parents car with them until he buys a new one...
it seems like everyone i know either loses their car or ir breaks down. like i'm cursed to not have friends with cars or something. linda, mateo, now marcy and sam, rob, i think other linda at one point, and maybe selena at one point?, shiloh's was breaking, and jason's is dead, and those are just the people who had something happen to their cars while i've known them, not even including the people who just don't have them! (morgan, kate, junior, etc........) it's just my fate not to be friends with ANYONE who has a working car. so if you have a car that works, stay away! i'm bad luck! haha
My mother is driving me absolutly crazy. More than usual. As you know, she was evicted from her apartment. So of course, she's living with me for a week+ ! Oh joy!! Last night I thought I had 4 hours to study for my midterm...but instead got to listen to my mother yell at me and verbally abuse me for 3 of those hours. (Luckily, the midterm turned out to be easy, thank god) ...But yeah. It's been so bad that Chris and I stayed at my friend's house for the weekend...so that it would be quiet enough for me to study for my other test...and I'm going back over there tonight so that I can study for my test that's tomorrow at 9am... yay. But yeah, my mother drives people to the point of hitting her...strangers, friends, everyone...at least that's what she said, and it really feels true. She makes me want to kill her. She has become such a bitch and so childish and disrespectful and mean and bitter ...hateful... and the best part of it is that she won't even admit it. Chris comes home and says that he can hear her yelling from outside...and we are even on the second floor. "I'm not yelling," she says "you're the one that's yelling" ...blah blah blah...like a stupid 5 year old.
Whoever this person is, she is NOT my mom.
She thinks all these crazy things and tries to convince me that Chris is EVIL because blah blah ... she thinks that he killed a kitten ("before anyone else saw the kittens" - there isn't really one missing) ...and she thinks all this other crazy stuff and tries to brainwash me with it. Then she tells other people how my boyfriend is evil and she tells them all this stuff about him that isn't even true!!! Isn't that considered SLANDER or something??? Then she says to me after arguing forever: "well, i don't know if it's really true, but it might be" ...but she still goes on accusing him, blaming him... and then anything that she thinks is "wrong" with me she blames on HIM...not the foster homes, not anything else...just poor chris. Then she is constantly blaming me for EVERYTHING in the world "it's your fault that i didn't get your dad back because you didn't take me to the race [in another STATE that his OLD friends were at, AND i don't have a car, AND my dad HATES my mom and has been re-married for 21 years....] So basically my mom is just NOT living in reality...
and then she does things like this: "drop me off at the store" ...and we are late and in a hurry, but we say: "FINE" and go out of our way to take her, but when we get there she says "oh well i don't want to go alone. i don't want to go to the store. i want to go to denny's..." or something like that and she refuses to get out of the car, even when that's where she orginally asked to go. Then when we don't take her to the store, because we can't stand to deal with her and because WE don't even have time to go to the store for ourselves, she yells at us and blames us. She's the ADULT. She should be able to find her own way to the store. She can take the bus...she's always taken the bus. I'm supposed to be the CHILD, I shouldn't have to take care of her!!! All the other kids at school have parents who buy them cars, who pay their cell phone and credit card and college bills, who are RESPONSABLE, who come to visit them...they have parents that have stable HOMES that they can go and visit. They have cars to pick their children up in. But my mom wants to use chris's car... I have to co-sign things so my mom can get an apartment... what happened to my REAL MOTHER?? The one who used to balance her checkbook, the one who could take the bus without whining, the one who could save money to buy a car? The one who could get her own place to live? The mother who was nice and sweet and caring? The mother I used to fight for... the one that WASN'T crazy??? The one who was UNDERSTANDING? The one who would stop yelling so that I could do my homework???
And she says that I've changed. SHE yells at me and thinks that *I* am the one that has changed when I yell back. She doesn't understand that as long as she yells at me and blames me and accuses me that I am NEVER going to be the same. I'm not the quite the shy mouse who wouldn't speak up for herself anymore... Mother taught me not to hit people back if they hit you...but I'm not that kind of person anymore. I'm not going to stay quiet and let someone yell at me when I didn't do anything wrong... when I am only trying to be in my own house and do my homework...
I don't have a mother anymore. That person is a monster. She's not my mother. She's much like the demon posessed girl from the exorcist. Somewhere in there she does have feelings... but she's so manipulative and mean and selfish and bitchy and blameful and wrong that it's hard to believe that she's even a person....
OBVIOUSLY i'm not completely serious... if i call someone fat and ugly... OF COURSE it's not supposed to really mean anything. it's just me being terribly hurt and bitter at the moment....it's not some real fact or permanent opinion...just a random emotion. and i call myself fat and ugly as well. so don't be so shocked if i call someone else that. it's no different than a child calling someone "stupid" ...not to mean "dumb" but just because they are mad...just hurtful words that don't really mean anything. and since those girls aren't reading this, they won't be hurt. and even if they were reading, they would understand that i'm just hurt...if what i said before wasn't really "true", then they are smart enough to understand that my hateful words don't mean anything. well, and if they aren't that smart, then maybe what i said was true... but yeah, of course i don't judge a person's worth based on their weight or looks ... i do judge by their personalities though...and intelligence. they don't have to know anything, they just have to be smart enough to understand things, and to THINK about things, instead of just flailing around like an idiot, breaking things, and not being aware of what the hell they are doing... they need to be respectful and helpful and nice...etc... wouldn't you agree?? shouldn't all people have those qualities?? basically, if you see me screaming about how fat and stupid and ugly someone is, it means that they hurt me in some way...that's all. sometimes they didn't even hurt me, it was just the boy who kissed them who hurt me. that kind of thing. i'm mean to anything when i'm hurt, including saying "that band sucks!! i hate them! they're stupid!" just because of what the band makes me think of and not really the music itself. it gets more complex, but if you don't get what i'm saying by now, it's hopeless.
a year went by how you've changed an unfamiliar face stares back at me from above blackend version of what she used to be tattered shattered image of what used to be something more than this hopelessness
i looked inside and saw something hidden away i saw more than what was there and the promises you made with your eyes were nothing but lies of the most untrue kind and i wished it all away but still you made me stay in your imaginary world of blue patch it all together with spiders and glue
oh but i fell in love with an imaginary boy there was never really anyone there and i just imagined that my imaginary boy could ever really care
i waited and waited for you to save me i saw more than what was there and i drowned and choked on my tears as i realized there was no one really there and i wished it all away but i just wasn't the same blacked outside as well as in so very burned and scarred from all your sin
oh i fell in love with an imaginary boy there was never really anyone there and i just imagined that my imaginary boy could ever really care that my imaginary boy could ever really care.
crying for herself crying for someone else disintengrating into nothing into pieces of something else tear drops in your bed why does she feel pain if she's already dead?
i'm not exactly sure how i feel about my ex-boyfriend hooking up with way uglier, fatter, dumber, boring, personality-less, blah girls. i think that means that not only am i completely replacable, but i'm am worse than even the stupidest girls in the world. i mean, when you lose something, don't you want something equal or better to it to replace it??? you UPgrade your software and your hardware, not downgrade! you get a nicer car than the last one you had. and so on. why would you get worse girls? i mean yeah, if you're not keeping them, that's kind of understandable. but if they're annoying and dumb AND ugly and have no personality... i don't really see the point? it's nothing to enjoy nor brag about nor feel proud of... maybe ashamed... but yeah... i don't get it. why would someone hook up with someone with NO good qualities????? how little self respect does someone have to have to do that???? it's like "hi my name is ________. i'm so lame that i'll kiss anything that has a mouth, even if it doesn't have a brain or look like a girl!!" ....i just do NOT understand how someone could ever be attracted to a brainless ugly girl. but whatever. i mean i guess that's the only kind of girls he can get. probably really true. no one decent wants to hook up with such a loser. so maybe it's my fault. maybe i'm the idiot for ever dating the loser, right? i'm the stupid one for thinking that maybe he was better than he really was. i'm the stupid one for giving loser boy a chance that he didn't deserve and then blew. me? jealous of the fat ugly girls? no...never.......um, yeah....really....i mean it... believe me! no, i'm not not! ......
New Friends? what are you supposed to do when you meet new people, and they're kind of cool, and they say "we should hang out?" ....how do other people find time to hang out with all the new people they meet all the time??? i can't even find time for the ones i already know...how on earth am i supposed to find time for the new ones as well???? i just don't get how other people handle that situation. where do they find time to hang out with soooooooo many people? i can't even find time to hang out with chris!!!! it seems like everyone else spends so much time with their close friends and then they also go out with all the random new people they meet as well...how on earth is that possible??? and when you meet someone new, are you just supposed to hang out with them that week and then not see them for awhile or what? i once met someone over a year ago and i STILL haven't hung out with them. i think they are mad at me now... i'm not sure. and then there was this other cool girl i met over a year ago, Tamara, and i always mean to hang out with her, i just never have time! so if i don't have time to see these people, how am i supposed to have time to hang out with the NEWer people??????
oh kinda funny... i sent out a bulletin from my normal (non-music, friends only) myspace account about how lame all the guys i've dated in san diego have been. (yes, all 4 of them.) anyway, so one of my ex boyfriends made a shirt that said "LAME LYING LOSER JERK #1" and wore it when we went out to a club for a few hours. he asked me if i got the joke and i said "yes" thinking that he meant because he was lame and a lying loser jerk. i didn't know that it had anything to do with my bulletin! haha ... i thought it just had to do with him, for lack of a better phrase, not being a good friend a few days before. another ex boyfriend at the club we went to got the joke. the club was really lame though. none of our other friends were there and the music wasn't good enough. at least one of the DJ's gave me a cookie! yay! another myspace thing i had said was "i like cookies. if you love me, feed me cookies." so he brought me a cookie...yay!
oh yay. yet another person pretending to be me. link why must people always steal my pictures? it's getting really old.
by the way, for those of you who asked, the picture i stuck up in replace of the stolen ones on that girl's xanga wasn't that exciting. i mean, what kind of picture could i put up to offend someone who already seemed to be into porn or something? i thought of maybe putting up a carebears picture...but yeah, i just stuck this note up there instead:link...see? i told you it was boring.
we had to write (and then sing) a song for class so i just used one of the ones i had already written..."tangled up" and it actually made someone cry when i sang it(!)... while this singing class isn't really teaching me anything at all (except to pronounce my t's at the end of words when singing), it's at least making me feel a little better about my voice. all the girls always say i have a very sexy seductive breathy voice. i'm always worried that i don't sound good enough. i think maybe the fact that i never had any reassurance from parents or anyone made it so that i'm not really confident in anything. i always feel like i am the worst person at doing absolutely everything and i always feel like i'm doing everything all wrong. i think that maybe other people don't feel like that because they had their parents to tell them that they were doing a good job (even if they weren't) ...then they could at least be confident about whatever it was they were doing, even if it wasn't the greatest thing in the world. i don't know...
so last night my TV show went really well. i had jason as my co-host instead of mia because she was sick. it actually worked really well because jason and i have a lot of things in common, and i'm better at talking around him.... (i steal his energy and copy it a little) and he's also really into music, (which helps for a music show!) unlike mia who i think might be better with politics, or something (right, mia??) ...but yeah... jason even left for a minutes and i was able to ramble on by myself during that time, which is pretty good for me, the shyest non-shy seeming person in the world. but yeah, if i actually get around to contacting people in time, we should have some really cool bands and DJs on our show.
i don't think i ever posted this...this is from when we went to see felix da housecat. we were also on the main club page for that month. sign on san diego at L5
there were also some pictures here from one of my go-go dancing jobs, but i don't know if they're still up. Jan at club london: Xtreme Exposure.net
tara is the sweetest girl in the world. she got me a toaster for my birthday (and other stuff) ... and the note with the toaster said "I hope everything gets better soon." maybe if this toaster doesn't brake and burn things like all the others, things will get better. do things ever get better? i hope so....
so many things in theory
life is never that way
you're saying that you want to help me
while you're hurting me more than anyone else
only helping yourself
to a million servings of everyone
you're saying that you love me
while you're stabbing me in the back
only caring about you
and your moments, your life
you're saying that you care about me
while you're taking all you can get
treat the pain you're causing others
as just an annoyance in your way
you're saying that you miss me
when what you really meant was that you're lonely
and that anyone will do
as long as you're not all alone
you're saying that you love me
while you're stabbing me in the back
and you're loving it
over and over again.
when i was 5 i remember thinking that if my cat or my mom died that i would die too. i loved them more than anything. over time i lost them both. neither really died though. my cat disappeared and was rumoured to be dead (and is dead for sure by now). and my mother was just taken from me. now there isn't anything that i love. if my mom died now i'm not sure how much i'd care. she's not the same person anymore. she's not my mom. there isn't any connection anymore. now she's just some crazy person who yells at me. i don't think i can really love anyone else either anymore. if everyone died i'm not sure how much i'd notice. [i guess i'm becoming cold like everyone else, but for a different reason.] there isn't really anyone i depend on or need. no one helps me when i'm sad. i don't talk to anyone when there's something wrong. i'm not that close to anyone. i've come to realize it's impossible for me to get close to anyone anymore. every time i've been close to someone they just hurt me, or they get taken away from me. i'm starting to not even understand the concept of friendship anymore: everyone just wants to be noticed and feel cared about, but they rarely really ever are. it's just an illusion. so many times people don't even listen to each other. they are so wanting to be listened to or something that they only care about talking, and not really the other person. if you don't listen, you don't care. if you don't care enough about a person to at least listen with your full attention, then you don't really care about that person. and when people die, no one really cares for very long. soon everyone will go back to their normal meaningless lives. your death won't effect them much. everyone will be smiling the next day. only a few people will really be affected. usually only the crazy ones and the sentimental ones (or the ones really close to you). no one else knows how to feel. as long as they have their little lives the same as usual, they won't care. out of sight, out of mind. if their life looks the same they won't care or notice that you're dead. if you were a big part of your life and you die, they will grieve. but grieving is selfish. they are sad that their life is distrupted and different. they care that they lost something. they don't really care about YOU. they can usually replace you, and then everything will be fine for them again. just like a failed relationship that goes away and fades from memory. find something new and better. hardly remember you existed. kind of. life goes on with or without you there. i suppose parents care when their children die because they've put so much of their time and effort and love into them... i don't know. i know the stuff i'm saying only halfway makes sense, but a lot of it is true. when you die the people at school/work won't really notice. the people you rarely see won't be very affected either. that much is pretty much true. i know that if i died the only people who would be really affected would be my mom and chris. maybe other people would be sad for a day or two, if they even noticed i was gone, but i can't imagine them crying. i can't imagine them feeling much. i can see them going on with their lives just as usual, as though i had only moved away. chatting with their friends and "hanging out" as though everything was just the same. it's true. that's reality. i guess it makes sense that way though. life needs to go on. people can't afford to let someone dying affect them...they have their meaningless lives to live through, and other friends to talk to. if something did happen to affect them, they would just block it out and pretend it wasn't real in order to deal with it. either way they'd go on living their lives the same as ever, as though i never existed.
Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Swiftly go the days. Sunrise, sunset. You wake up, then you undress. It always is the same. A sunrise and a sunset. You are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain. The sunrise and the sun sets you realize and then you forget what you have been trying to retain. But everybody knows that it is all about the things that get stuck inside of your head, like the songs your roommate sings or a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed. She raised her hands in the air and asked you, When was the last time you looked in the mirror? Because you have changed. Yeah, you have changed. Sunrise, sunset. You are hopeful and then you regret. The circle never breaks. With each sunrise and sunset there is a change of heart or address. Is there nothing that remains? For a sunrise or a sunset. You are manic or you?re depressed. Will you ever feel ok? For a sunrise or a sunset, your lover is an actress. Did you really think she would stay? For a sunrise and sunset. You are either coming or you just left, but you are always on the way. Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet. They are really just the same. To the sunrise and the sunset. The master and his servant have exactly the same fate. It?s a sunrise and a sunset. From a cradle to a casket. There ain?t no way to escape. The sunrise and the sunset. Hold your sadness like a puppet, just keep putting on the play. But everything you do is leading to the point where you just won?t know what to do. And at that moment you may laugh but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you. So it?s true, the trick is complete. Now you have become everything you said that you never would be. You?re a fool! You?re a fool! Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset. The sunrise and the sun sets. Sunrise, sunset. Go home to your apartment and put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play. Sunrise, sunset. Where are you Arienette? Where are you Arienette?
i read over old stuff i've written and i cringe and close my eyes... ...like really old stuff, like may 2002 old. freshman year of college old. it sounds so naive and dumb and young and happy and stupid. immature. but i wasn't any more immature back then. if anything i was more mature. but still i almost want to go erase it. i always hate to re-read stuff i've written, because it always sounds dumb to me. but this "happy" stuff sounds extra dumb. why does happiness sound dumb to me? annoying? why when i want to be happy, do the traits of happiness seem so terrible? i guess maybe i'm just too afraid to sound dumb. don't want to be viewed as dumb. something. i don't know. it's almost as if you can tell more about me from what i DON'T write. my profiles on things never say anything like "oh i like fashion and stars and kittens and makeup, etc..." because 1)i don't really like anything and 2)i don't want to sound dumb...
today a girl went in the fountain at school. she splashed and danced around in it and then layed down in the water and rolled over and stuff. her friend had dared her to or something, promising her lunch, but it looked so fun...she even yelled to her friend "this is why you are my best friend" ....
i want friends that are fun. maybe even dumb. dumb people have more fun. people with no taste in music, with no clue about anything... i almost want to be that way. either way, i want friends who would just go in a fountain or do anything (fun) and have it be THEIR idea. i'm tired of always being the one with the ideas, the one begging people to do things that are fun...i gave up at least a year ago. tired of trying to convince people, tired of trying to get people to do things...i'm becoming old and dead and boring.....
"the disaster" so i have a (live) TV show at my school, (only can be seen on UCSD network) and it's such a mess! first of all, it's impossible to have a real TV show when all the people who call in are boys with dirty jokes and things. and then it's horrible because i am camera shy, on top of being really shy, so yeah, BAD IDEA. but the whole reason i'm doing this is to try to learn how to not be shy... but yeah. Mia is my co-host and she gets to do all the talking while i sit there too terrified to say anything... haha.... our show is really called something like "May & Mia's Music Show" or "M&M's Music Show" ... but I think that it should be renamed "The Disaster". Even if I talk, and even if the DJ's and Bands we interview talk, and even if we manage to fill up our hour with talking, we are still going to have callers that call about dumb things and don't care about music... so I guess it's hopeless. i didn't really want to do a LIVE show, but since i figured that i might as well because i can. If the other guy who had slightly the same idea as me ever gets around to it, we will go around northpark and hillcrest interviewing DJ's and things there instead and we will come back and edit the stuff and that will be okay, but since there's another person involved in doing this, WILL IT EVER GET DONE?! I hate when there is more than one person involved in something with no specific deadline, because it always ends up that the thing never gets done.
the point of life WITHIN life is to help other people, even though life itself is pointless. (and if you believe in God, the point of life is also to do everything you can to NOT go to hell.) but you have to help people without expecting things in return, otherwise you become bitter. so it's easier (feels better?) to help strangers than boy/girl-friends and maybe(?) family and friends sometimes. it's even better to help unsuspecting strangers, because it's more fun that way. it's also fun to help people without even realizing you are helping them, which i have done three times in the past week. i always listen to people and give people advice and help people realize things but i always do it on accident...i never think "oh i want to help this person" ... i've done that so many times in my life that it has just become programmed in to who i am, even when i don't (intentionally) want to help anyone.
i always seem to forget that while "everyone else" was growing up and experiencing life and all sorts of things, i was just barely surviving (through foster homes and being separated from my mom, etc). everyone else got to accomplish things and learn things about life, and do teenager and child things, while my accomplishment was just staying alive and getting into a UC school (as Vita reminded me,) despite everything that had happened to me. even though that's a valid reason to be way "behind" everyone else in "life", the fact that i was in foster homes still doesn't seem to exist. it's just like a gap in my life, where i was missing from the planet for at least 7 years and no one noticed. people say "oh where do your parents live?" and when i answer that my mom lives in san diego, it gives them the impression that i grew up with my mom the WHOLE TIME and the 7 or 8 years i didn't live with her, all my tortured years in foster homes suddenly disappear. and i was the kind of child that hid the fact that i lived in foster homes from most of my friends during high school, to avoid the questions and explaining, and now it's still kinda the same way...why bring it up if i don't have to? but then, as much as i don't want to talk about it, it was my life, it is my past. while, everyone was getting drunk at the mall at age 15 or going to raves or out to eat or hanging out at people's houses, spending the night at a friend's, driving in cars, or whatever kids do, i was mainly stuck indoors, sheltered from any aspect of normal life even the internet and partly the phone. everyone else was living and i wasn't. it's only in the last few years that i have gotten to see what this thing called "living" is... it's so weird because i am such a under-experienced child and such an over-experienced really old person at the same time. it's kinda like how someone who had grown up during a war would be: really old inside, and having seen many horrors, but not knowing anything about civilian life, "real" life...that person would be extremely aged and grown up without ever experiencing the simplest things like hanging out at a mall with their friends...so in that way, they would still be like a child. that's kind of how i feel. like a 104-year-old 7-year-old.
love at first sight...not quite, but close... you know, if i ever took the time to get to know someone before falling in love with them, i wouldn't love ANYONE ever.
what i really mean is that people always appeal to me when they are new to me, when they seem distant and untouchable...when i am afraid of them...nervous and shy...when they are foreign to me and i'm not quite sure how to figure them out, or if i can figure them out, i am convinced that they are too good/cool for me. (yes, this happens with almost EVERY boy i've dated...see, they trick me! lol)
but as soon as boys are my friends, they lose all their mystery and appeal. it always turns out that i over-estimated who they were. (i'm convinced that i am magic and can know a person without talking to them...i think my horoscope agrees with me...hehe) ...i always get it right, i always know who they are, BUT only their good parts, i always forget to look out for bad parts. another thing i always find disappointing is that they always turn out to be human...i always expect everyone to be better than that. i have really high expectations for people, [and i used to have them for myself as well, but i have slowly let myself fall apart... but i let it happen in the name of becoming human... i thought for some reason that being more flawed would be a good thing somehow (like i had to teach myself how to have a messy makeup box instead of a perfectly neat and clean one)] ....but yeah, sometimes the boys don't turn out to be bad people or anything, it's just something about just kind of knowing them that makes me lose interest in them. it's like i realize "oh, there's nothing here..." nothing magic at least. magic is the most important part of any relationship. it's probably the hardest quality to find in people as well. it's that thing that makes just being with the person seem like the best thing in the world, the thing that makes you laugh with them, the thing that makes you feel like you are in a scene from a good movie ....
but yeah, and then the most obvious reason that i would never want to date my friends/people i know is because you get to see them in normal everyday blah life and you realize all these things about them and you see all their bad sides as well...you see REALITY. if i saw everyone in that light, i would never want to date anyone ever. i need to fall in love with someone first and have at least a year of perfection before i can be ready to deal with or forgive their bad qualities. i don't like reality one bit and i don't believe that life has to be that ugly. i think that things can be as perfect and beautiful and fun as you want them to be...it just takes work from BOTH people to make it that way. that's what chris and i have had almost the whole time we've been together....i'm probably so unhappy because we never spend any time together anymore. the further away from chris i get, the more i die. he has been the only thing that has been able to make me happy since i lost my mom.
it feels like i'm stuck in a nightmare, drowning in my own perception of things...but what makes it even worse is that i know that it is only in my own perception of things. nothing is really bad, well, aside from things with my mom and a million things related to that, everything on the outside is somewhat fine.... "you have to make your own fun" they tell me, like it's possible. yes, i know that. but i'm beyond that. that doesn't work anymore. i try and nothing. hanging out with friends just makes things worse. i watch everyone around me LIVING, loving things, loving people, with all their hearts and souls, being excited about things, and being mad at things that don't really matter, and wasting time, and having fun, and existing in a state where everything that is not a bad experience is a good one. and i watch, and i watch, from a distance even though i'm right there. i watch the world go on around me, almost silent, and i wonder, will i even be in the memories of these people? if i don't say anything, if i'm there, but not living, am i really there? does anyone ever remember the people around them who aren't actually participating in their fun, in their lives? do people playing a football game remember their fans? or only that there were people there. watching, but they don't remember who...
i guess this isn't much different from the rest of my life. i guess it's not something new. but it feels new. it's a little new. i went through years and years of school being completely invisible. aside from MAYBE third grade, i bet there isn't anyone from elementary school that even remembers i was there, that i existed. i moved too many times. i didn't talk enough. i didn't hang out with people outside of school. of course, i did have a few neighborhood friends that i would play with, at least two of them remember me.... and that's what's different from now. before i was invisible when there were lots of people around, when i was in a place that i didn't choose to be (school), but i had fun with my friend(s) outside of school and we talked and played, i existed and i was THERE. but now it's slowly getting to the point where i am invisible everywhere. sometimes i'm like a ghost wearing a sheet and you can SEE that i'm there, but that's about as far as it goes, and that's only IF i am wearing a sheet that day. i am becoming invisible even in the situations i choose to put myself in. i just sit there, not having fun, not really wanting to be there, wanting to have fun and wanting to be human...but it just doesn't work. i'm too detached from life itself to live. i don't appreciate life. i don't care that i'm alive. it doesn't really matter to me. this world is not valuable to me. there was a time when i would have died if something happened to my clothes and things. not anymore. i don't care. i'm just here. waiting. waiting for this world to be over, waiting for life to end. i just can't "enjoy" life...i try, and it doesn't work. what is fun for other people isn't fun for me, what used to be fun for me, isn't fun as well. slowly, i am losing any passion i had to be something in life, to do something with my life. it just doesn't seem very important. nothing does. everything has it's time and then it dies. why should a flower spend all it's days working hard to accomplish things or building itself a house or something when it will soon just wilt and die? why does it matter if cows used to eat get to play or not? they will soon be dead and their unhappiness will go away. whether they play or not makes no difference to them in the end. either way, they die. their life disappears and becomes unimportant. just like humans. yes, maybe the actions of one person can affect another, or even change the world, but everyone will die someday so it doesn't really matter. the world itself doesn't really matter, so who cares if it is changed. things seem so important in the moment, but in time the moment will pass and everyone who existed in that moment will die and so those things that were so important-so painful, won't exist anymore. yes, i'm saying that in the big picture of things, it really doesn't matter if you are miserable your whole entire life or not. when you are dead none of that will matter. the only reason to try to be happy is to make life a little more bearable, while we're stuck here. i wish i could figure out why i'm not ever happy. i wish i could figure out how to be happy. i wish i could get caught up in the meaningless activities of life and forget the fact they have no meaning.
it's so hard to have friends in this condition...everyone expects me to be fun or at least talk to them, and i don't feel like talking, don't feel like hanging out - don't feel like being there, and i don't feel like being any fun... i just wish that i could disappear for a little while. i think some of my friends just don't understand though - they think i don't hang out with them because i don't like them or something, when it's really just that i don't have the energy to be social and things.
and then i don't even want to complain here about this stuff anymore, because it always seems to be the same complaint (but slightly worse) and nothing ever gets better. like a broken record. and i'm sure people just get annoyed by that and want to go away. people like for things to get better. people don't like repetition. oh well.
why must this keep happening to me?! bands keep wanting me to play with them last minute (to fill in for other bands who cancel) and there are always people offering me use of recording studios for free, even a small record company wanting to record me, other people say they could get me gigs all over L.A. and others say here and there in san diego....
...but here's the problem: I'm not there yet!! I'm not even really done writing my songs, haven't practice them enough and so on! i was even supposed to have a song in a little documentary...but chris couldn't get the dumb guitar right and i didn't really have time to help him...
I keep missing all these little opportunities and it's all the fault of homework! i have NO time for music because of it. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. i can't wait until stupid school is over!
why girls don't like nice guys, version 2 it's not that girls don't like nice guys, it's that they want MORE than that. they do like nice guys, it's just that it's not nearly enough to just be "nice" ... in addition to being nice, you have to be cute, sexy, exciting, fun, funny, romantic, and have good style, among other things. girls are demanding and picky and there are millions of boys to choose from. being just "nice" doesn't get you anywhere (at least that's what "nice" boys are always complaining about)... girls never end up with nice guys because they are able to have a cute jerk with style (or status?) to date and then have you, the nice guy, for a friend, and to cry to, to confide in...and you will never ever be anything more than just a friend, because she has jerk-guy to makeout with, so why would she want to mess things up with you? besides, you're kinda dull, so she'd never be attracted to you anyway.
i think it's stupid when people say that girls aren't attracted to nice guys because in a lot of ways, that just isn't true! the correct way of saying it would be to say that girls aren't attracted to LAME boys...just everyone is too polite to tell you that you are lame, so they take your one good quality and call you "nice" instead... when someone tells you that you are too nice they are really trying to tell you that you are too BORING. or something.
let's take this example...the first year i had chris, when he was perfect, this is what made him perfect: nice, sweet, kind, HOT, cute, fun, funny, silly, exciting, romantic, had style*, listened to good music*, was a skater* at the time that we were all in love with those boys (1990's), and so on. he had NO bad qualities at the time. it was a GOOD thing. not bad. nice is a GREAT quality when in combination with others. he sent me like $60 make up in the mail for valentine's day, brought a rose to my house (he was the first boy to ever buy me flowers)...he would mail me mix-tapes and love letters ... and buy me little presents... when i had no way in the world to get to the mall to get shoes that i would DIE without (last pair in the store/world - and the first star shoes i had ever seen at a time when it was impossible to find ANYTHING with stars on it), he stole the car from his parents and got them for me...he brought me flowers to my work, he would drive an hour from his house just to be able to come see me for 30 min.s (i wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, so we had to sneak), for our one year anniversary he made me dinner with candles.... ETC... see? he was totally nice and it made me like him even MORE, it made me fall in love with him....so it's NOT niceness that's the problem...
now let's compare chris to another guy, Andy, a "nice guy" who likes me, ... what is it about this nice guy that made me want to throw up when he tried to kiss me? (my general reaction when people i don't like try to slobber on me, especially when i've made it clear to them that i have a boyfriend.) what is it about this "nice" guy that makes me NOT want to date him? this guy would be willing to drive forever to see me if i wanted it, this boy would buy me anything i wanted, this guy would take me out on dates and spoil me. this guy has written me poems. he would let me live with him, marry me, whatever i wanted, i'm sure. he sounds good, right? and he's really nice and sweet in addition to materialistic things...really caring and maybe even understanding. doesn't do drugs, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink. on paper, he sounds like he could be my dream boy...so why don't i leave chris for him? i'm slightly over-exaggerating here; chris doesn't buy me things anymore, chris doesn't hang out with me much anymore, chris doesn't take me on dates or spoil me, chris doesn't write me poems or loveletters or make me tapes anymore, chris and i don't even really talk anymore (we would if i wasn't so busy with homework), chris hasn't saved money to buy me an engagement ring, even though it's been 6 years, etc, etc... why don't i just leave chris for this "nice guy" ? he seems WAY better, right? well, you see... the problem with the nice guy is not his niceness, but instead the things that he lacks... he doesn't have the funny silly sweet fun personality chris has, and he doesn't like the same music* i do, and he doesn't MAKE music, and he doesn't dress* the way i like boys (which is NOT an expensive way to dress: yay thrift stores!), and he doesn't have his hair* the way i like boys, and he's not into the same things that i am, and he doesn't interest me, and he's not exciting, and he's dull and kinda blah...basically he's just missing some magic invisible quality that boys i like have...i guess you could call it "personality" ...it's like he's some stock boy that i could buy at walmart if walmart sold boys. there are many boys like him, slightly different, but all the same. he doesn't have an amazing fun exciting or unique interesting personality and that makes it so that i am NOT attracted to him. it has NOTHING to do with the fact that he is NICE.
(*clothes, style, and music choices are NOT superficial, they are just an extension of someone's personality, USUALLY. they are like Art...if you want to impress a girl, you will have to do better than buying clothes from kmart. and that doesn't mean you have to be RICH, it means you have to be CREATIVE. in my case, a thrift store will work just fine - as long as you've got the style right.)
There was also another guy who was "nice" and used to take me out to dinner and stuff sometimes. He would have married me too. And given me a car and been nice to me... But again, same, thing...he was lacking too many other qualities. He just wasn't right for me at all. i would have been terribly unhappy with him. It takes more than being "nice" to make someone happy...
But yeah, I guess my point is, that if you are a "nice guy" that can't get girls, it's probably not your NICENESS that is the problem. You just probably are lacking other things...and your condition is fixable, but it's not fixed by becoming a jerk...because then even less people will like you.
Also, i was reading somewhere that the problem with nice guys is that they go after the wrong types of girls, the ones that are not their type...[the girls see the difference, but the boys only see a girl that they want, and wonder why she doesn't want him back.] the sexy "bad" girl in the mini skirt is going to date the boy in the rock band because he's her type...[it doesn't matter if you are nice and he's not. she doesn't have anything in common with you. she wants her CURRENT boyfriend to become nice, you are too far from what type she is attracted to!] the article also said that there are lots of girls who date nice guys, they're just the girls you overlook ... the ones you talk to at the office and so on [probably the ones you don't find very fun or attractive?] basically i think they key is to stick to people who are more like you. and if you want the girl you can't have, then spend 5 years becoming a different person [but don't stop being nice!] and maybe you'll get her or someone like her... the end.
"Just because a guy is NICE, doesn't mean he's GOOD." -I heard this somewhere this weekend...like maybe on T.V. or the radio? I can't figure out where, but yeah...that makes so much sense... sooooo many people can be nice but they are only BEING nice, and they aren't really good people...
belated post i had SOOOOOOOOOOO much fun last wednesday with sarah in LA. we did all sorts of stuff including playing in the elevators of the hotel i went to a modeling thing in when i was 11 - (the first time i ever went to LA) ...we also went to the fashion district which was much like a giant swapmeet and i have become terribly attached to a purse that i found there and DIDN'T buy because i thought $40 was too expensive for a swapmeet style purse. (i used to buy purses for like $6 back in junior high at swapmeets...and platforms for $13) ...but yeah... we also hung out at the standard rooftop bar...the prettiest MOD styled bar in the world. and we went to the record store and then we went to the new best club in the entire world... HIGH VOLTAGE (No Cover, every wednesday at 7070 hollywood blvd) ...they played almost all of my favorite songs, just like club sythetic used to do... old miss kittin, old ladytron, peaches, soft cell, dirty sanchez, old le tigre, soft cell, felix da housecat, berlin, and then stuff like blur, new order, yeah yeah yeahs, the killers, the faint, interpol, the rapture, the postal service, etc... the only thing they didn't play is my favorite avenue d. song... but i swear, that club seriously plays almost every single (dance) song i have ever fallen in love with. which is REALLY rare for a picky person like me to experience... but yeah, that club makes me SOOOOOOO happy. it would be worth moving to LA just to dance there once a week. if i had a car, that is where i would go every wednesday until the club dies (there was a decent amount of people, but i still don't expect the club to last long). i am in love with that club more than anything in the world, just like i was in love with club synthetic (until it went away and made me sad ...but this is it's replacement and it's even better, so it's okay now) ...as insane as it sounds, something about these clubs keeps me from being depressed. if i went at least once a month, i wouldn't be so unhappy.
Larry Tee SUCKS!!! well, not really, but he did when we went to see him (and our friend barry) spin on saturday. it was so incredibly bad that we left early. See, the problem was, that we were expecting Larry and Barry to spin their normal stuff, but neither of them did. In the interest of entertaining the mainstream people (and getting paid well and invited back), they played music that sounded much like a rave. That would have been fine if it were 5 years ago and we were expecting ravey-club music, but we weren't. we were expecting "electroclash" (or at the very least indie-electro-italo disco-no wave-nu wave, whatever the hell barry spins)... and you think that when the guy who trademarks the genre of music ("electroclash") flys from New York to CA, he would at least play his normal stuff, but no, no such luck. stupid sell outs! I guess I will have to try to see him spin some other time, when he plays at a $5 club...I think that DJs should be consistant and spin whatever music THEY spin... that's why DJ's travel; to bring their talent and style somewhere else, NOT to conform and sound like all the other LAME DJs...if the club wanted someone that sounded like everyone else, they would have used a local DJ, well, at least in theory...oh well.
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on upon the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
What does it mean to be "mature" anyway? Obviously, it includes being responsible and taking care of yourself and all that stuff...but what about the people who say "you're acting/being so immature?" how can someone act mature?
I think that being truly mature in our society really means "lacking feelings or emotions" or "not displaying your feelings or emotions in a REAL or human way" .... something like that. From what I've noticed, being "mature" also includes a lack of connection to other people's emotions as well, and little or no sense of compassion.
What on earth am I talking about? Well, I've noticed that people who are sometimes called "immature" have and display intense emotions. Extreme cases would include someone trying to kill themself because someone broke up with them. This type of "immature" people are very in touch with their emotions...they feel pain, they get hurt. People betraying their trust, not paying enough attention to them, or standing them up can send them into tears, and so on. Younger people and people who haven't been in very many relationships tend to be this way. You're heartbroken when the guy you like doesn't call you, but then it happens again and again over the course of your life and you get used to it, and it stops hurting as bad, instead of crying for weeks, you're just like "oh that sucks" and you move on. That is what they call "mature" ...
So basically, I see mature as being emotionally dead. So it's not really a good thing. Yes, it does mean that you've learned to deal with bad situations and you've learned to get through bad times, you've learned how to be (more) understanding, you've learned how to process your feelings in a logical way, and so on...but not in a REAL (or healthy) way... It's like you have learned how to NOT get hurt (or as hurt) by shutting off your feelings. And that includes shutting off good feelings..."mature" adults don't allow themselves to Love. Not until years after being in a relationship when they can finally feel that it's safe... They shut off the feeling of love in order to protect themselves from getting hurt...who wants to fall in love (again and again) only to have the other person (people) not love you back and leave (and crush) you? No one...so instead, people will shut off their feelings which keeps them from ever having to be really hurt. That's why your "first" love is always the most intense love...the most love-filled love. The more times you get hurt, the more "walls" you put up and the less any other relationship will feel like anything at all. Yeah, you'll have fun...but you won't write love letters, and you won't be as close...you won't be as emotionally connected. And when you get stood up, you won't be as hurt, and when that person tells you they're seeing someone else, you won't break down, and so on. It's natural to become "mature" ... It makes it so that you can continue on with your life and not be too depressed to go to work, and so on...It makes sense, but it's just sooo not healthy...it's not human...it's not "real" ... people SHOULD feel. They shouldn't be so scared of getting hurt that they distance themselves from people. That's the best way to make sure your relationship will fail before it even starts. People should love with every bit of their heart and take chances, or not at all. Kinda like the random quote I found in a book at a juice/smoothie place: "Of all the forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." - Bertrand Russell But yeah being "mature" with calculated, sensible, logical emotions just makes life less fun and less happy overall. it's better to experience great pain and great love than to just feel something blah that's inbetween. A "mature" person tends not to get their hopes up very high for things, because they understand than the chances of that thing NOT happening are pretty high, so they play it safe and don't get their hopes up, and then if the thing DOES happen, it's not quite has fun because they didn't get to experience the excited "looking forward to something" part... if you are waiting for weeks for the easter bunny to come, it makes easter exciting. if you don't look forward to easter, and you happen to get candy, it's just not as fun AT ALL!!! you have to let yourself get your hopes up and risk disappointment and pain in order to best experience the thing if it actually does happen. Anytime that you are being "safe" with your emotions and trying to avoid pain, you are accidentally avoiding the best things as well.
Another bad thing about "mature" people is that they try to be TOO understanding sometimes. For example, in order to keep themselves from being hurt, they make themselves understand that people are usually late or flake out. So when it happens again, they don't get hurt...the problem with that is that they make the world a worse place with their tolerance for such things. Instead of becoming immune to those things, if they would instead let the late/flakey people know they it HURT them when they were lied to (made plans and then broke them), maybe the flakey people would stop being flakey and people could actually TRUST one another's words instead of wondering whether people are actually going to ever show up or not.
Another part of this horrible side of "maturity" is that people learn to put their problems aside and go out and have fun anyway...which means that they are putting off their problems and not ever dealing with them, and the problems build up and aren't ever properly addressed which makes the people all emotionally screwed up. And it makes it so that they are SO detached from their feelings that they become kind of cold and uncompassionate. Like when someone is crying or upset, they get annoyed. They can't feel the other person's pain... They want to have their fun and not be bothered by others' problems. They want to (and do) go on as though the hurt person does not exist instead of trying to comfort the person and make them better. By this time, the "mature" person has experienced so much pain in their life that they figure that the hurt person will get over it and should have to deal with it on their own, just as the "mature" person has done with their own problems. "Mature" people sometimes treat crying as an immature irrational thing and are so detached from their own emotions that they can't feel compassion for the crying or upset person.
Also, when a "mature" person does get hurt, they try to deal with it in a "mature" way...they control their emotions and they try to act as "rational" as possible... For example, they will accept the fact that their girlfriend is leaving them if the reasons are good and will let the girl just walk away and that's that. They probably won't cry in front of her, and they will go deal with their pain on their own. In contrast, an "immature" person would cry and scream and beg for the girlfriend to stay... they would show how much they really cared through their act of "immaturity" and through that, they would have a better chance of getting the girl to stay. The girl is definitely not going to stay with a guy who, in addition to hurting her, doesn't even seem to care that she's leaving, but she might stay with one who loves her and cares enough about her to be devastated and hurt by her leaving him....
Anyway, I think that this whole "reserved, calm, and in control" aspect of maturity is highly over-rated. So what if you can control your emotions?! It doesn't mean that you always should! That doesn't REALLY make you mature. It only makes you appear that way. People who were truly mature would realize that acting "immature" (REAL) in SOME ways is really the mature, or best (most healthy) way to be...
Jackie Cane by Hooverphonic Jackie cane was everybody's sugar
She gave it all wherever it took her
They used her up before the sell-by date
To be so sweet was her only mistake
The only flower in a concrete garden
Destined to be the rock that wouldn't harden
Jackie cane was everybody's sugar
She'd melt away if only she could of
Taken for granted
Abused and drained
They ran her dry and
Then it never rained
She was the queen
Of the 25th hour
They looked so sweet
But the after-taste was sour
Salty days for jackie cane
No matter what we say, no matter what we think, we will never, will never leave this room. What are we going to do about this?
This Room by The Notwist
$1,000 isn't really that much money. with $1,000 you can only buy:
10 pairs of Go-Go boots
or
20 semi-decent CA haircuts (or 10 nice ones)
or
20 full tanks of CA gas
or
1 month of CA rent in a semi-ok studio apartment (1 bedroom, if you're lucky)
or
3 months of other bills (gas, electric, phone, internet, car insurence)
or
2-3 months of car payments
or
2 months of food.
chris is smarter than me afterall! well, not really (haha), but in this case he is: i always complain about chris to everyone. he drives me crazy which makes me complain and complain until someone is understanding...what i really want is for someone to help fix him, but that never seems to happen. anyway, so all this complaining just ends up making chris look really bad to my family and people... so then everyone turns slightly against chris and it's all my fault, and all i was ever trying to do was to try to fix/deal with things ... chris, on the other hand, is really smart and hides all the problems i cause him, making it so that none of his family is against me, which makes things easier/better for him. so everyone thinks that i'm perfect and everyone thinks he's awful...all thanks to my complaining...so chris never has to deal with anything and i have to deal with everyone saying "well, why are you with chris then? blah blah blah" when really he's FINE, he's WONDERFUL, i just complain because he's not PERFECT. He's a really really good person, the best person i know.
5 reasons why i don't call people and invite them to go out: 1. i don't usually let myself have fun when my homework isn't done, so then i don't end up calling anyone ever, because my homework isn't ever finished. EVER. (although, if someone invites ME out, there's a good chance i'll leave my homework)
2. i don't have a car, so i CAN'T ask people out. "Hey let's go dancing in L.A.! Um, but, um, yeah......YOU have to drive, because I have no car...." or "hey let's go have coffee...but you have to pick me up...." see? it doesn't work. i just have to wait for people to want to do things with me.
3. i tried asking people to do stuff a lot two years ago, and no one ever wanted to, (stupid college students with homework!) so now i'm tramatized, even though now i do have friends who always go out.
4. i'm too depressed for that. i need to be dragged out.
5. i don't really feel like seeing people or being "out" ...
i'm very attached to my rings...even cheap $3 pretty plastic rings... i don't let anyone wear them, ever. unless i really really love and trust that person...even chris doesn't get to wear my rings because i don't trust him enough with my stuff...he loses and ruins things all the time. he tries to be careful, but it just doesn't work...
Girls don't dress up for BOYS, right?!?! a guy i know thinks that "girls wear skimpy outfits to get guys to look at them"...to me that kind of sounds like that old thing where boys/rapists claimed that if girls wore short dresses, that it meant they wanted to have sex...
i think that's insane! girls don't wear "skimpy outfits" because they want guys to look at them!! they wear them because they are CUTE, because THEY like them, because they feel the most comfortable in their own skin/able to function wearing clothes that make them feel pretty...girls wear outfits soley for THEMSELVES and not for anyone else! they look the way THEY want to look and not the way some dumb boy wants them to look... and i really don't think any girl wants guys to look at her... at least if they've been in downtown san diego or PB, they probably don't ...because if guys there look at you, they also try to touch you and freak dance with you, and slober on you and so on... believe me, girls do NOT wear things to get guys to look at them!!
or am i wrong? are there maybe SOME girls that do that??? every girl that i know dresses for herself, to feel cute to herself...not for guys to think she is cute...a girl's world does NOT revolve around guys looking at her... and if we are having "girls night out" it's NOT to get boys to look at us, it's to GET away from all the lame guys... for example, when sarah and i go dancing, it's because we want to spend time/dance with each other, we don't even think about guys!! and if they try to dance with us we find them annoying and shove them away!!! we look cute because we like to look cute, we like to dress up...we could care less what guys think...we don't even remember that they exist while getting dressed!!! we usually don't even remember that they exist while we are dancing (or out) as well.
all used up once upon a time i actually wanted to help people, i cared about them, i deprived myself of sleep to help them...i stayed up all night once talking to a friend trying to help him with a girl problem and overslept and missed my final because of it, i talked another online friend out of killing himself, when i really needed to study for another test and on and on and on...
now i'm all burnt out and used up, but i still end up helping people, by accident: giving people advice, trying to help them work out their problems without even realizing what i am doing...but i noticed, i don't LIKE helping people anymore. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of always talking to people when i don't feel like talking, i'm sick of talking to people when i've got other things i need to do, i'm sick of talking to people i don't really like...i'm just really annoyed in general when people try to talk to me. i just like to be left alone (lately)... i don't want to hang out, and i don't want to talk, and i don't want to help, and i don't want to care, i just want to go somewhere and hide from the entire world. i feel like i'm suffocating, being smothered with people. i went to an after party last week and i just wanted to be left alone and an annoying guy kept trying to talk to me! i just wanted to be peacefully anti-social and instead i got asked a million questions when i didn't want to talk. i was tired and cold, and getting sick, and i wanted to go home, but couldn't because i didn't have a car. it's amazing how many horrible situations you get stuck in when you don't have a car...
