How time will heal Make me forget You promised me Time will heal Make me forget You promised me Love will save us all And time will heal You promised me... How love will save Make me forget You promised me Love will save Make me forget You promised me Time will heal us all And love will save You promised me... I trusted you I wanted your words Believed in you I needed your words Time will heal make me forget And love will save us all You promised me another wish Another way You promised me another dream Another day You promised me another time You promised me another life You promised me.. So I swallowed the shame and I waited I buried the blame and I waited Choked back years of memories... I pushed down the pain and I waited Trying to forget... You promised me another wish Another way You promised me another dream Another day You promised me another time You promised me... Another lie Oh you promised me... You promised me... You promised me... And I waited... And I waited... And I waited... And I'm still waiting...
i want to feel like a real person. i want to feel like i AM something. i don't understand why i don't ever feel like i really am anything. maybe it's because i don't just do *one* thing...? maybe it's because i never get paid enough. like getting paid for something, to me, makes it real. i don't know. why do all my experiences not seem good enough, real enough for me? what is it going to have to take for me to feel like i REALLY am something?? maybe if i were to do something regulary AND get paid for it...maybe that would make me feel real.
i traveled to the east coast to model, i've driven 2 hours away to LA to be in a fashion show, i've been in a clothing catelog, there are pictures of me for sale on the internet that SOMEONE else is selling, i'm going to be in a small 2006 calendar of nightclubs, and a few other things, but i don't FEEL like a model. maybe if i were paid a decent amount of money i would like i was a "real" model. maybe if i were the right height i would feel like a "real" model. obviously, i will NEVER be a famous model or anything close because i am not the right height, but shouldn't i at least be able to say i'm a model, like it's a job... like "hey i'm a waitress" type thing?
and then i'm on tv...(i just FINALLY realized that the other day) even it's only for a split second, i AM in that Garbage music video. and i've done like 5 short student films, and i've been in and written and co-directed/produced my own play, and i'm a theatre major, and i've been in acting classes for 10 years now, so why don't i FEEL like an actress? why don't i feel good enough to audtion for things?
and then i've got songs recorded (BADLY recorded, that is...could be better ) and i've had owners of clubs and other bands wanting me to play shows, and i've had bands wanting me to sing for them, and i've audtioned for bands and gotten in to them (even if i did run away) , and stuff, but i don't FEEL like a singer. i don't feel good enough at singing to consider myself one. i don't feel trained enough. i don't feel "real" enough.
and then with go-go dancing, it's the same thing all over again.
why don't i feel REAL with any of the things that i do??? will i EVER feel "real" ...will i ever feel good enough to actaully to able to say "i AM" something?
maybe it's just the way i am?? but i don't want to be this way! i don't want to always feel like i am nothing. i remember when i used to go to raves, i didn't think i was actually a raver. didn't feel like i could call myself that. strangers all thought i was a raver. they would take pictures of me because of my outfits. they had thought they had captured a real "raver" on film. little did they know. and i really wanted a lable of something at that time, but i didn't feel like i was even "real" enough to consider myself a raver. didn't go to raves enough, didn't know enough of the names of the DJs or songs i liked really...just knew what i liked when i heard it. all i could do was dress (or overly dress, haha) the part and dance. but that didn't seem like it was enough to actually make me BE something...but isn't that all a raver is? just someone who goes to raves? who dances at them? why oh why can't i ever FEEL like i really AM something?????????
is it because i really am NOT something, or is it because i just THINK that i am not something? like am i maybe not doing enough stuff to be considered these things, or is that i am actually something and this is just me being crazy as usual? am i something or am i not? WHAT makes someone actually be able to say that they ARE something?
i had decided that i didn't want to act as a career because i wanted to have a LIFE. as you may or may not know, actors don't get out much. when you're in a show, that IS your life. you basically LIVE at the theatre, and when you're not there, you're learning lines, researching your character, interviewing people to study for your role, and so on. but other than that, you are there, like 6 days a week, and you don't get to go out at night or anything else... but yeah, so i had decided that i didn't want to deal with that, that i wanted to have a LIFE, that i wanted to be able to go out and dance, and have friends, and spend time with chris... but i've decided that having a life is completely over-rated. it's not that great or fun...it kind of even feels like a waste of time. very meaningless. so i think i've decided that i want to give up my life and try acting and give it everything i have...i think. only lately have i gotten back my love for acting, still i don't know if i have quite enough passion for it again yet... and what about my band thing? is it possible to do both? i don't think there's enough time for both...hmmm...
i remember there was a time when i could say anything i wanted to say. as shy as i was i could still say certain things. i would say what i thought. what i wanted to say. now it's so hard for me to say the simplest things sometimes. i'm too afraid. scared of being rejected kind of thing. it's horrible. how did i get THIS bad? how did my self-confidence get THIS low? i am constantly trying to fix myself but i just don't seem to know how...
i'm thinking that maybe one reason i'm so depressed lately is because i don't get enough exercise or anything anymore. i used to bodyboard and roller-skate and dance and run around and play, but now i don't do anything aside from occasionally halfway dancing... today i danced in my house and it made me feel better...
so, some people tell me to use my talents (and get on with life, haha) and others tell me that i don't have any talents. so which is it? make up your minds! what talents do i have? if i "can't sing", and i "can't design" and i'm too "ugly" to be a model, then what exactly are my talents????????????????
America is so NOT a free country!!!!!!!!!!! living here is kind of scary. feels a bit like cuba!!! not that bad, but kinda!! last night my friends and i were hanging outside of the club and they were being good and waiting for a taxi and going to leave their car there. then all of a sudden a cop swirls around, makes a u-turn, drives on the wrong side of the street, starts yelling and being really rude to my super sweet friend JJ, gets out of the car, grabs him, handcuffs him, and stuffs him into the cop car before he even has a chance to say anything. JJ didn't even do anything wrong!!!!!!! we tried to explain this to the cop but he just cussed at us. we even called the police and reported the rude irrational officer. of course, the cop they sent us was FRIENDS with the bad cop, so it was useless. so much for any kind of citizens arrest or whatever! the cops are all friends so they are just going to defend each other! GRRRR!!
so i guess they took away our friend because he was acting like what THEY considered to be "abnormal" behavior. (even though it's just how he always is: happy, childish, dancy...and he was kicking at an old tv that belonged to our friends) I'm sorry, but is there a NORMAL way to ACT?!?! i thought this was a free country!!!! guess not! so because he had been drinking, that gave them a reason to take him away!! there he was trying to be good and wait for a taxi and he got handcuffed and taken away instead!!!!!!!! he shoulda just driven home DRUNK! at least he would have gotten to go HOME that way!!! i asked the cop why he was taking away my friend and he yelled "because he's a disturbance!" and i said "who is he disturbing? did someone call? (is someone disturbed?)" and he said "No, but i see him!!" when he had first pulled over he yelled to my friend "i drove by before and i'm sick of you!" and then he violently got out of the car and took our friend. the cop seemed like a drunk with an anger management problem!! so insane!
no wonder san diego cops have a bad reputation, and a rep. for KILLING people without reason. they killed one of my friend's friends!!
this country scares me.
our teacher told us in 2001 that there was a new law that says you can be arrested for ANYTHING (or nothing??) they arrested a lady for not wearing a seat belt!!! SCARY! i wonder if that law still exists???? anyone know??? are there any countries that are less creepy than ours???
does anyone remember when they dragged my boyfriend to jail for "disturbing the peace" ? he was SLEEPING!! and in our house with the computer speakers on playing music. and they came and took him out of bed to jail!! i mean, come on! how loud could the music have been if he was sleeping through it?!?!?
what kind of "free" country is this??!??!!??! i hate it here. i hate this world as well. i wish i had never been born.
it's so extremely annoying... my ex goes to my favorite club every week it's open. i don't want to see him at "my" club. (and yes, when i know like 98% of the people who go there/work there, i can call it "my" club...it "belongs" to me and my friends, because if we didn't go, it would be empty most nights! and it feels like a home to us.) anyway he never went there until he went there to see ME/with me. his friend even used to beg him to go and he never went until *I* wanted him to go. his other friend says that NOW he goes to support the DJ. but he wouldn't even KNOW the DJ if it wasn't for me!!!!!!!!! it wasn't until he drove me and my ex back from TJ one night that they talked. anyway, he never ever went to the club for months and months until *I* took him there, even though he knew about... so i can't see why he doesn't just go back to his normal lame hangout with $2.50 drinks. i don't know why he needs to come stalk me. and pretty much every week he's there with a different girl. this week it was a married girl. he was pretty cozy with her for like 4 hours. of course he doesn't see anything wrong with it. he LIKES her but he's not going to try anything he says. SO annoying. i think it's rude to get emotionally involved with someone's wife. i guess he just loves to fuck with girls' lives. if she was my wife, i would kick his ass! anyway, the other girls he's brought he totally made out with in front of me and all that stuff, and note that NO ONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE CLUB EVER MAKES OUT! i think it's pretty annoying/rude that he's constantly pushing it in my face that he is hooking up with other girls. does he really need to come all the way to my home (club) to make out with these girls?? i never ever have made out with someone in front of him... i do it out of RESPECT ... he doesn't even understand the meaning of that word... but yeah... i just wish he would stop being so rude around me. if he wants to come to MY hangouts, he could be a little more respectful at least!! i don't come over to his bars! and i don't bring boys to them either or makeout with them in front of him or anything.
he of course doesn't understand why this is a big deal to me. he yelled at me to shut up when i brought it up again.
i'm sorry but when i go out to MY hangout to have fun with MY friends i want to have FUN and not have to see my ex boyfriend's face there. especially chatting up other girls and slobbering into their mouths!!
of course, he's so selfish that he can't respect my simple request to stay away from my places. FUNNY because EVERY OTHER NORMAL person seperates places when they break up. I have lots of friends who purposely avoid places that their EX's always go to, out of respect and out of not wanting to get hurt .... hmmmm maybe if i was just always making out with a different boy every time he would get hurt enough to stop going to my hangout! haha... it's funny my friend's ex showed up out of the club to the same club last night and she was freaking out as well. he was like "i was trying to avoid you like you wanted" and she was like "well, then why are you HERE!?!" ... but yeah... no one wants to see their ex when they are still trying to recover from bad broken relationships!!! i don't know.
yes, i realize this is all just petty stuff. but i am so sick of dealing with petty stuff! i wish it would just go away! i don't want to deal with STUPID DRAMA! why can't people just leave me alone?!?!? i swear all these drunks and bar people are nothing but drama!!!!!!!!! even the ones i love. i never knew the meaning of "Drama" until i started hanging out with club/bar people! grrrr. it gets so OLD. that's half the reason i didn't even go out tonight/today. i just don't want to have to deal with any stupid drama. someone is always upset over something. even if it has nothing to do with me, i still get sick of it all. it's endless petty problems coming from everywhere....AHHH!!!
i can think that something is EXTREMELY ugly and then beautiful at the same time. i can hate something and love it at the same time. can want something and not want it at the same time.
it's like everything in mind makes perfect sense only in contradictions. everything is beautiful AND ugly at the same time.
today i was supposed to do so many things, but just didn't feel like it. so i missed everything.
there was a dress up party at 2pm then a party of an electro band guy then gabe told me a week or two ago that i should see him spin at sabbat tonight then i was supposed to go to TJ and dance later.
there was also Lisa's party, which i wasn't going to go to because even though i love lisa to death, there are people i do not care for there. drama people. and boring people.
then i hurt my knee a few hours ago and can barely walk. yay.
my newest favorite song: tribulations by LCD Soundsystem.
just curious: when i write about a song, does anyone go try to download it, or is it like: "oh nice, she put a song name, who cares, never heard of it" and just ignore it?
i know that a lot of times when i come across song names on blogs i don't ever look them up. hardly pay attention to them, UNLESS i am looking for music to download ... which i rarely do, even though i love music... (lack of time)...
but yeah, if i ever bother to put a song name it's because *i* think it's good and think you guys should try it out. i would have a way to download it, but that is not allowed (as you all know) and i've already gotten in trouble (w/warner brothers) for having a movie on my computer... so yeah... don't want to get in REAL trouble for something. i don't need another thing to deal with.
and on that paticular day, she played the part of an actress. and he bought it. believed it so fully that he didn't realize that she was anything less. thought she was more than what she was. but maybe she was more. maybe she was less and more at the same time. the actress who wasn't an actress, playing an actress playing a character just for a brief moment in life. and the person underneath all the layers felt the feelings of the character, of the actress...but when the character melted away so did the actress and there was nothing left but a speechless frightened child. in his eyes he still saw the actress. would he figure it out? she wondered. could the child play the character of the actress? the shy, timid child? ...play the bold and daring actress? without the comfort of a costume and a stage? without the safety of pre-written text? she didn't think she could do it, but she decided she would try anyway.
the other day i got so scared... all of a sudden the fact that humans must work for AT LEAST 30 years straight without a break began to terrify me. work, work, can't stop, can't rest, can't breathe, or else you won't have money for a place to live, or food. what if you get laid off? what if you get fired? what if you just can't find a job to begin with??? how will you live? terrifying.
what happens when you turn 65 and you don't have enough money saved to retire?? what if your body becomes so weak that you can't work anymore? what if you don't have a house? how are you going to pay rent? what if you have no children to take care of you? is that WHY people have children?
it's so horrible that we spend our entire lives working. just trying to stay alive, trying to pay rent and have food... all just to die in the end. why must we exist at all? it all seems just so stupid! i don't want to exist! the good experiences don't out weigh the bad ones, and even the good ones aren't worth much. they don't MEAN anything.
everything starts to blend together. dancing here, dancing there, but what is the POINT? yeah, it was fun, but who cares? it starts to feel like doing nothing at all would end in the same result. like people only bother to go out because there's nothing to do. to fill time. take up space. waiting for life to end. filling up their lives with meaningless experiences. how could anything in this life be meaningful when life ENDS? even the good experiences are a waste of time because life itself is a waste of time. we are all going to die one day, so why even bother to live? why try so hard to obtain status, friends, a place to live, money, things, etc...just to have it all melt into nothing when you die?
it really seems like it would make a lot more sense if people were just never born to begin with.
to me, life is hell. being forced to exist and to live when i would rather just be nothing. and what could be more hell-like than working so hard for everything you have your whole life long just to have it all taken away from you by death??? it's like a video game you just can't win. you're about to win the game and then the power goes out. game over. what a waste of time. all the years you spent playing, all the things and experiences and memories you collected, all gone in an instant.
oh it sucks! some of my theatre friends are putting on the play "closer" ...(you know, kinda like the movie...) i really wish i could be in it... but of course, there weren't auditions for it...i think it was just "hey be in my play!" and i don't know the boy (Ryan) who's setting up the whole thing (maybe directing?) well enough, so there was really no chance in the world for me to be in it.
if i could do it all over again, i would have made better friends with all the theatre people. i don't know why i didn't. i guess i was just too busy with homework for more friends, and all the theatre people made friends while working on shows together. it's like i'm 'kinda' friends with everyone, but not well enough.
and i'm really starting to wish that i could stay in school a year longer and actually do some shows....
i've only done one show the whole time i've been at UCSD. i'm still convinced i would have failed my classes if i had done shows though. they require SO much time! i wish i would have at least auditioned for things... oh well, too late now. as usual.
it's so weird... i'm having trouble sleeping lately... it's partly my mom waking me up, and partly a mystery: i kept waking up in the middle of the night last night...it seemed like almost every hour or so. really annoying. it's like i would wake up and not be tired, but it wasn't even near time to wake up... i usually sleep like a dead person... i don't know what's going on lately...maybe it's because i'm sick?? it was horrible, every time i would wake up, there was like no breeze at all in my room... an almost suffocating stillness...
a blind man cut my hair!!! ok, well, actually it was me. i usually cut my own hair, just because no one else can ever cut it right and they make me cry...
...but this time, i wasn't trying to cut it in a style: don't have time nor patience... so i just grabbed my hair into pigtails and CUT! cut off maybe 4 inches... haha .. it's completely uneven, but i really don't care. i'm sick of my hair looking ugly. at least this way it has a valid reason to look ugly. now maybe i will go try to bleach it a few times and hope that it doesn't fall out.... (this is what you do when you don't have $150 to spend on a haircut and dye job... haha)
mother won't stop yelling. all weekend has gone by and i haven't been able to get enough sleep to think, enough peace or sleep to do homework. we are trying to look for a new place to live, trying to come up with enough money to move.
mother yelled at the neighbors and all sorts of stuff. SO embarrasing. they go to my SCHOOL. i can't take this anymore. but there is nothing i can do about it. not enough sleep to think. this lady is NOT my mother. i don't know this person AT ALL.
have huge paper due this week, need to interview person for a class, need to set up interviews for my tv show thing. and some other stuff. can't do anything. too stressed. too sleep deprived. it's too loud... can't leave, don't have a car.
on top of everything else, i'm really sick. i need sleep. someone make her shut up so that i can sleep......
i was so happy today yesterday and i got tons of confidence back. let's see if this lasts more than a day...i tried to make it last all day and not let anything bring me down. i just can't imagine it working tomorrow as well, but we'll see. i think it had a lot to do with my acting class. acting is starting to be fun again. i really like acting with OTHER people and figuring out things together. my last 3 scenes have been really good with getting laughs at least. i really like doing scenes that make people laugh. other stuff is kinda boring. i feel naked on stage when people don't laugh. i wonder if i will get back into acting. (i mean, motivated and trying out for plays)... god, with 10 years of classes, i should really do something real with this... i like STAGE acting though... film is so blah and boring. i do like to have something permanent like a film to keep, but it's just not as fun....there's no one to make laugh....
anyways, but yeah, i was so happy that i was bouncing around my singing class talking to people just like i did in my old acting classes when i was 16...
actors NEED big egos... that's what they said in my acting class. you're there acting like someone else, doing things you wouldn't normally do...maybe things you think are lame...you NEED to think you're good in order to put yourself out there like that...you NEED to feel like you know what you're doing...
which is the opposite of me. my complete lack of self-confidence is completely obvious in my classes. i didn't used to be that way with acting... i used to just have fun with it...i used to at least feel okay. now i question everything i do. over-analyze. in dialects i always feel like i'm doing the accent wrong...but then i always get A's ... if i'm getting A's i must be doing it right...but why can't i ever FEEL like i'm doing it right, BEFORE we get graded. i would really love to go up there and feel CONFIDENT in what i was doing, feel like "hey, i am doing this GREAT. i am doing this RIGHT." ...why can't i ever feel like that with ANYTHING? I need to be reassured that i am okay at things, that i am not the worst person in the world at things...i NEED to have a "big head" about things...i need to think that i am great at things in order to do them great... i just don't know how to not feel like i'm doing things wrong...
i do know that the places i've hung out at the last year have greatly contributed to the decline of my self confidence...(along with the boys i dated...) i liked it better when i stayed in doors too often and never had to see people. i liked when the kids at ucsd where the only people who existed...i liked it when me and marcy were 'better' than everyone by default. because no one there had any style or personality or anything...their idea of fun was to get drunk in their dorm room while studying in UCSD sweatshirts. that was the exent of their ENTIRE lives. those were the only people we had to compare ourselves to. if we went out once a year, we were already better than them. we didn't try to be better, we didn't try to be anything, we just existed in our own way. i don't want to have to feel like there's some set 'cool' way to be. i just want to be ME and have that be okay. i don't like the stuck up hipsters that are everywhere, thinking that they are better than everyone else, for NO reason. they are not original and everyone else listens to the same obsure music they do. they are so stuck up and judgemental...only when you DON'T know them though. only when you can feel their eyes burning through you...judging...
i don't know. i just wish i could get away from everything and be able to feel confident about the things i do...feel "good" enough when i am good enough...
how cute...jason bought chris an atari for his birthday. another thing that was really cute was that they modeled for a coupon for the water store a few weeks ago...
a beautiful noise... (the band.) i will be working with them in june. they've gone through about 20 singers, so who knows how it will turn out... i'm also going to (supposedly) be working with chris to finish some songs as well in a month or so...
shyness is the worst disease ever. shyness in a relationship can translate into a lack of interest. shyness in a crowd of people you don't know can translate into people thinking that you are stuck up, too cool to talk to anyone... not to mention all the other damage shyness can do...
i was just thinking about how i've always been much more quiet around the boys i've liked. shy. sometimes i'd even avoid looking at them or being next to them, because i LIKED them. however much sense that made. actually it did make sense: it was because i didn't want to scare them away. (if they didn't know i liked them...) and then with some people, i would leave less comments on their websites/profiles because i was scared of it being "too much" ...of course, none of these relationships ever worked out. the only ones that worked were the ones where i felt safe enough to be myself, to be 100% honest, secure enough to leave 8 billion comments saying everything and anything ever.... the only time that honesty could ruin a relationship is if the other person doesn't want a relationship. otherwise, if honesty ruins something, it's because it wasn't real in the first place...
"run away. run away!" i frantically warn the long line of children who are spilling into the door of the modern day orphanage. but they won't listen. "our parents were bad, we want to go," they all say. "run away, run away," i say, because MY mom was good when i was in foster homes, but i was too scared to run away...with the threat of going to juvinile hall hanging over my head... and, "if you run away to your mom, she can get in trouble for kidnapping you" they warned. i was too "good" to run away. good child, do what is the "right" thing to do....do what you are told. and i knew i needed to finish school. you can't go to school if you are trying to hide from the cluches of social services... it's my newest type of nightmare. they started about a year or so ago. dreams of foster homes and group homes. dreams where i'm over 18, over 21, and put back into foster homes and there will NEVER be a way to get out, because i'm old enough to get out, and yet THERE. stuck. trapped. without the hope of turning 18 and being able to escape. age is the only key to get out, without that, there's nothing...
i bet that's what it's like to be stuck in a mental hospital...NO hope of getting out. you're just stuck there FOREVER. and they treat you like a business and not like a human. that's why i will NEVER do that to my mom. i wouldn't wish that kind of thing even upon my worst enemy. as much as i'd like to not have to "deal with" my mom anymore, i'm not so cold as to just discard of her...drop her into the hands of someone who will just stick her in a mental hospital or some other place that takes away your RIGHTS and FREEDOM.
do you realize that they can do that to anyone, to you...here in America? take away all your rights...all that has to happen is that someone calls you crazy, someone thinks your abnormal or annoying...and tah-duh...into the mental hospital they will stick you, and full of drugs...and i'm sure that then the drugs will make you seem like you really are crazy, and then they will keep you... make money off you by holding you there against your will. frightening, isn't it?
anyway, back to the dreams, the nightmares. in them i always find myself stuck with the same horrible sets of rules, and/or in a locked building full of staff members...sometimes my little brother is there. sometimes i try to save him. sometimes i'm living with people who won't give me any food. it goes on and on. and it always feels REAL. too real. the worst kind of nightmares ever...
new songs!!!! finally, here is the song i promised from a few weeks ago, along with a song from last year ("it's cold)... the styles are a bit different, just whatever i felt like doing when i was recording them. tell me what you think....(or do i not want to know? haha) download/listen to gave away (everything) [wav]| view lyrics
grrrrrrrrrrr. gone again. so jason and i just made plans a few weeks ago to go to my favorite club in LA this wednesday, and guess what? the club is no more. again! it sucks because it's pretty much the only club in all of southern CA that plays good music. every other 'good' club only plays like 10-25% good music... the bad ones, the majority of clubs, play 0% .... yay, back to being miserable. dancing to good music is pretty much the only thing that can make me happy. i really want to hold a DJ hostage and force him to play ONLY songs i like.
before you forward emails... or believe them, read this... or type some of the email text into google and see if turns out to be a hoax: example (link)
it amazes me just how many people continue to forward on emails as REAL information. they even sometimes add to the emails that they are worried for their friends, etc... but they shouldn't be worried because most of the stuff isn't even REAL! CHECK the information before sending out mass emails and myspace bulletins! a lot of stuff that comes from mass emails isn't true!
as much as i always want to be different, there are phases i go through where i wish i just looked like everyone else... like all the girls who weigh 105 lbs... like all the girls with perfect complexions and soft hair and manicured nails on hands that are nearly wrinkle-free...where i wish my clothes were just like all the other girls at bars...i don't want to be different right now, i just want to be the same. i'm feeling like different is inferior lately, not better. and i think my black hair is only adding to my depression. i'm a long hair person and my hair is short, i'm a colorful hair person (bright blonde, red, etc) and my hair is dark and common....
maybe if i was around people with more confidence i wouldn't go crazy like this... i could be happy and have fun instead of worrying about how stupid i must look...
i can't be around such negative irritable people, it just makes me even MORE negitive and depressed...i need to hang out with NON-JUDGEMENTAL, positive, fun people...
oh and yeah. our car is going to cost $2,000 more to fix. YAY. i don't have a choice. chris already is getting the work done on it. it will probably still be broken after that. and then he's trying to borrow jason's truck in order to make money to pay for his own truck being fixed but jason's truck was broken too and then they fixed it and now it's broken again. CAN THINGS PLEASE GET BETTER NOW???!??!??!!??!
i really can't take anymore of this. i come home from school thinking that i've got four hours to do homework, yet every day it turns out the same. i have to show up to school completely unprepared for anything. mother yells at me from the time i get home until i go to bed. pretty much every single night. she blames everything in the WORLD on me. if there's an earthquake, it's MY fault. NOT kidding. then she yells at me for having on music when it's my HOMEWORK to memorize songs. after she had just YELLED at me for 3 hours straight. she won't leave my house. she convientley spends ALL her money every month so that she doesn't have to leave. "i'm hungry, i'm starving" she yells like a wicked witch. "you don't feed me" BLAH BLAH BLAH. she's an adult. she can get a job. she already gets $600 a month for free. it's not my fault she spends the whole thing the day she gets it. she isn't even paying me rent. our house is a mess. i can't even walk because her stuff is EVERYWHERE. i can't even get to my closet so my clothes are in a pile on the floor by the window being stepped on. she spilled chocolate ice cream ALL over the floor and didn't clean it up. she spilled an entire tray of food behind the tv, right next to my clothes and stuff and said "well, i'm not going to pick it up, it's not my responsiblity" even though it was 100% her fault. but if you ask her, NOTHING is her fault and she shouldn't have to do anything. she blames EVERYTHING on everyone else. she got me evicted and now she's ruining my house so that we won't get our deposit back at all. ruining my credit and everything. if you mix a donkey and a 2 year old baby and a witch you get my mom...actually, she's worse than that. i hate her so much, i wish she would just leave me alone. she's ruining my life. she's driving me crazy. and then she says "what can i do to help you" and i say "LEAVE" and of course she won't. she just makes threats and accuses everyone of things they didn't do, etc...when i move i'm not going to tell her where i live. i wasn't even going to give her my current phone number ...she harasses me with 3-20 phone calls a day...even when she's living in my house. i can't deal with her anymore. i'd rather have a random homeless person living in my house. i'm SURE they would be nicer than her. someone MAKE HER GO AWAY!!!!!!!!
humans are so interesting... they know what's bad for them and yet they still continue to be self-destructive... smoking, drinking, worse... so interesting.
I'm under construction everyone So you'll have to mind the mess I'm under some construction
Correction Modification Alteration Construction
Under Construction lyrics - No Doubt
someday i will pick my clothes up off the floor where they get stepped on by shoes that ruin them. someday i will return all my emails. someday i will return letters again. but as for now i am barely capable of even making food to eat or brushing my hair. my life is a mess, and i've been falling apart for awhile now. you can't expect anything from me. i need a break. i need a rest. i need to fix things.
it's always interesting to watch the ways different people drop me off at my house...even the way people pick me up. i live in a locked building, so everyone is always very different about things. and i never tell people which door to come to or anything, because even when i say the front double door, people always still end up at the side (un-double) door.
but anyways, it's always the most interesting when people drop me off. some people walk me to my door, some people stay in their car and wait till i get inside, some people just drive off. it shows how much people worry and how much people care, how much people CONSCIOUSLY think about other people. it's usually girls that will wait until i get my door to drive off. girls worry more, think more...
marcy always says that if you want to come back to someone's house, you purposely leave something of yours there...that way you have to see that person again.
i always make sure to take everything with me, just in case i don't ever want to see that person again, or incase something happens, or incase i don't trust that person, or if i think that person's friends will come over and mess with my stuff, or it will get lost, etc. only when i really really trust someone will i ever leave anything at their house.
whatever. i give up. chris' car broke AGAIN. we just got it fixed two days ago. and i have no more money to buy another car because of rent and food and paying to fix the car. so THE END. without a car, chris can't go to work (he needs to carry stuff around, can't do the bus thing), and without work he can't make money for a new truck or rent or anything.
so yay, we are getting evicted AND have no car. fun, fun, fun.
and chris just got TONS of work with clients and now he can't do any of that work, can't make ANY money. maybe we should just put all our stuff in storage and become homeless. there isn't anything left to do. we can afford to pay one more month of rent and that's it. we have no place to live starting june 24th or so and no car to move our stuff and no car to make money. YAY!! i LOVE LIFE!!! HOORAY!
san diego is the biggest small town ever it's supposed to be a big city, right? but it's not, it's spread out. and our downtown is the size of a pea, and no one but over-paid and brainless people go there, for the MOST part. (because the music is bad)... the weirdest thing about san diego is that there are less than 10 people in the whole entire county who have any style. i'm NOT exagerating! there are also about 30 more who kinda have style...or maybe it's just a different kind of style... either way, it's very strange that such a big city has so little culture ...but in a way, it's a good thing, because it's not very competetive...at all times, no more than 30 people will have better hair than you, even if yours sucks... the thought of moving to LA scares me: i don't think i could deal with constantly having to compete with everyone else... competetion makes me want to go hide, under rocks.
Poor Chris B!!! (website) Does anyone who's been here a long time remember him? He used to comment awhile back and still does sometimes... (we were internet friends until we both stopped ever being on the computer for awhile)... anyway, i got a message the other day saying that he had been in a car accident a couple weeks ago and he's STILL in the hospital and he broke A LOT of bones...!!!! Poor thing :( he's such a nice person, he doesn't deserve such bad luck...
...oh, and i told you that anyone who is friends with me loses their car! (well, i assume his car is dead if he broke that many bones...)
10,000 miles... it sucks, there's this car i really want, and the REASON i want it so much is that it only has about 10,000 miles on it and it's only about $13,000... which is REALLY cheap for a car with that few miles...AND it's a honda, so it will last a long long time without breaking down and stuff. so it's like the best deal ever. i could buy another type of car for about $5,000 and it would probably only last a couple of years, but this car could last maybe 15 years... it makes much more sense to buy a reliable car with low milage. (instead of some ford/chevy with 60,000 - 100,000 miles on it or something - chris already has one of those and it was NOT worth the $7,000 his parents paid for it. the engine had to be replaced a WEEK after they bought it - another $6,000)
but of course, i don't have enough money to buy this car, and it will soon be sold, i'm sure. i do have some of the money, but not all... and i tried asking my aunt/grandparents for help with the rest of the money but of course they claimed to be poor, because they are retired/on a 'fixed' income (isn't everyone?). they aren't poor at ALL. they have no idea what it even feels like to be poor. it's just kinda like the rich's person's version of poor or something. and they said they wouldn't even want to lend me the money because they would lose money that way (with stocks) and that they'd charge me interest to borrow money! (and they would still be losing money that way) .... that's insane!! what kind of family charges interest?!?!?! isn't that the whole point of borrowing money from family and not getting a loan from the bank???? i think even the bible says not to charge your family interest. i understand the concept that they would be losing money to lend money, but i still think it's insane to make money off your family!! besides, they are the one's who ruined my life and took me away from my mom when i was little...the least they could do would be to help me buy a car! but of course, they are in such an old generation they don't even believe in helping children out with anything. i wouldn't have even ever asked for a stupid car if someone hadn't told me that they were going to buy me a car if chris and i didn't get married when we were 18... of course, chris got a car and i didn't. i love how that works. isn't that a lovely thing to bribe children with? "if you don't get married, you can have cars" ...and of course, we thought it would be smarter to have cars and just get married later. chris's parents were also supposed to pay for his rent/school... but that ended up not happening either....
100% it's been forever since i've gotten 100% on a test because i've tried to force myself to do less homework and actually go out and have friends and stuff. well i guess i've been doing too much homework lately, because i got 100% on a midterm for one class and 100% on a HARD quiz for another class. it's really stupid to get good grades in these classes because i'm taking them pass/no pass and so all i need is a C...i want to do less work, i just never can. it never works. i spent an entire 3 day weekend clutching a book instead of doing anything fun... i think i've only gone out about 2 times this quarter...at least i'm less stressed this way.
i did have fun the other day though...of course, the fun faded as quickly as it had appeared, but oh well.
i always think that parties are the stupidest most boring things in the world. i rarely understand the point. i usually end up sitting somewhere, quiet, like a bored child waiting for the grown ups to get through talking and go home. i finally (completely) realized WHY parties are never fun for me...as i had figurd out before it's because i never know anyone...or just a few people, and i never feel like meeting NEW people...but in addition to that, i figured out that the problem is: TALKING. people talk at parties. that's all they seem to do. talk, talk, talk, blah, blah, blah, what a silly thing to do! it's not like anyone is going to remember what they were talking about the next day after they wake up with a hangover...why even bother to talk in the first place? but yeah, so i'm more of a DOING person that a TALKING person. i like to DO things. dancing, playing, bodyboarding, SOMETHING... so that's what makes most parties boring... it's just a bunch of people talking and trying to prove how cool they are by how much they know about music and computers and movies and anything else they like to talk about. it's not like anyone ever comes up with a new theory about something or ANYTHING useful...it's just a bunch of people repeating information to each other...
but i have found a kind of party that i DO like. parties where there are less than 10 people and at least 80% of those people are my favorite friends... parties where we dance and we jump on the bed and we play...THOSE are the parties that are FUN, those are the parties that ARE worth going to...parties where we are actually DOING things and having FUN, instead of everyone just blabbing about how much information they obtained from the internet...
On saturday, my friend JJ had a little party and nearly everyone i love was there and we had so much fun... after less than an hour we decided that it was a "Sock Party" and so everyone had to take off their shoes and hang out in socks, and if they weren't wearing socks, they had to put some on. (Linda wore one red one and one white one.) Our last party was an underwear party. Another good thing about our parties is that they don't belong to anyone. it was at JJ's house, but it wasn't HIS party. he didn't have to entertain everyone. people didn't come just to see him, it was EVERYONE's party and everyone came to hang out with everyone...almost in the style of an "after party" ...we were all already friends... it was perfect, just like the 2 parties i went to with JJ and like people. we jumped on the bed and played and danced and i even slept there without it being a bad-feeling thing (i usually hate sleeping at people's houses because i'm always so bored and want to go home), and in the morning we woke up (the four of us that were left) and ordered pizza and walked to the park and ate it...and we ate salad with our hands and used a paper bag for a napkin because no one told linda and i that we were in charge of grabbing silverware and napkins...but it was so random and so much fun... then we ran into sarah on the way back. but of course, that was the end of the fun, and i started being depressed again after i got home and talked on the phone to someone who was in a bad mood for some unknown reason.
one thing i'm really good at is seeming fine: living in the worst of conditions and under tons of stress yet going on as if everything is normal. i suppose that is part of being adaptable? in person you wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong. used to even be able to have fun despite horrible circumstances.
sometimes i wish that i could cry and feel sorry for myself, and complain to someone how being with certain people ruined me...point out how i've changed for the worse, how i've died, how what was left of my child-like freeness or innocence has been crushed. i want to mourn for the person i once was, for the tiny bit of confidence i once had, the naiveness i had that could make me happy or at least have fun... i want to cry for the last things that i had held on to for so long that were finally taken away just like everything else...i want to talk about it like it's a problem that CAN be fixed, i want to go backwards, i want to unlearn the terrible things i've come to know, i want to go back to how i was a year ago...i want to be able to have fun dancing even when i hate the music...i want to be able to FEEl pretty even though i'm not, i want to be able to talk to people and not feel like i'm the one with the least knowledge, the least stlye, the least everything. i want to feel like i'm not the worst at everything. my self-confidence has dropped to even lower than it was in forth grade, when the kids at school wouldn't even talk to me because i was the new kid, because i was too poor, because my clothes were too faded and smelled like my mother's cigarettes...when i was the girl with dark tangled hair always hiding half her face...
it's strange how easily i change into a different person...adopting the same negitive points of view as the people around me. turning into something i hate, but not being able to change it because i know too much. and because i'm not strong enough, because i don't have enough confidence to completely be me...because i don't have enough confidence to be "ok" with people being mean to me or making fun of me...because i'm not quite tough enough to say "fuck you, this is the way i want to be" ... i don't feel sure enough of myself to be me...i'm not always sure if being me is "ok" ... and so it leaves me being "myself" only under certain conditions, only with certain people, only when other people act like "me" first...
gone is the girl who would take off running barefoot because it was fun, who would try to convince people to do exciting things with her, who would have fun anywhere with anyone, who would be the first one to jump on the bed. gone is the girl who would randomly climb trees. gone is the girl who would try to make you get out of bed in the middle of the night to buy cookies for the randomness and fun of it. gone is the girl who would try to show people her favorite ways instead of modeling to everyone else's, gone is the girl who would think something was good enough to force you to try it... gone is the girl who was brave enough to have an opinion or to argue her facts with yours...too afraid that she might be wrong, too afraid that her opinion isn't good enough, too afraid that what she likes isn't 'cool' enough, too afraid that you won't have fun if she takes you somewhere, too afraid that you'll think what she likes is dumb, too afraid to say what she likes, too afraid to even like anything... too afraid to say something is good (what if you don't think it's good?)....
and i never feel confident enough about anything i do to do anything else... "well, um, i could sing for your band, but i don't really know how to sing" ... "um, well, i could auditon to go-go dance for your club, but i'm fatter than your other girls, and my clothes aren't as good, and i'm not as pretty, do you still want me?" "um, i could design you a website but it might not be good enough..." "i could make you a CD, but the music might not be new enough..." "i could be in your fashion show but i'm not really tall enough, is that ok?" ...........and that's just with work-related things. it carries over to normal life as well. maybe i don't ever talk because i don't feel like i have anything good enough to say...not cool enough...not interesting enough...can't say it well enough, can't explain it right... excuses and excuses, but, i don't make excuses because i DON'T want to do things, i do want to do those things, very much, "i just want to make sure that you don't expect too much from me, because i won't meet your expectations, because i'm not good enough, because i'm less than you thought i was, because i am only nothing" ... nothing but a bruised and scarred ugly little girl, who doesn't even have enough confidence to act like a little girl.
amazing what bad relationships can do to your self-esteem.
