first of all, boys are NOT men until they are about 40, maybe 50. that's when they finally start to "get it" ... most people will agree with that. haha
second of all, i call *everyone* boys/guys and girls. get over it.
i don't like the words "man" and "woman" ... they are ugly words, just like the word "enjoy" ...
when i don't like how words sound, i try not to use them, unless there is no other substitute.
but yeah, to me, "boy" and "girl" means like "male" and female" ... they are ageless.
so there, i explained. that is why i "call men boys" ...it's really not that big of a deal...don't seem so upset!
and aside from that, all the people around me say that same thing: "girl" /"guy" or "boy" ...maybe it's because we live in CA, or maybe it's because we go to school or go to bars/clubs ... which are really childlike activities. maybe if we worked on farms or something hard we would feel old and look old and then call ourselves "men" and "women" ... i don't know.
it's also a stylistic thing. i think i even posted a song by someone else a few weeks ago, that said "hey boy..."in it ...and then there's a song by avenue D actually called "hey boy" ... and it's about sex and all sorts of stuff...they are definately not talking about someone young. it's just what a lof of people around my age and older call other people around our age. we also call each other "kid" and say things like "all the cool kids are doing it" and stuff like that ...
they said they won't fix it unless we give them more money. but we already gave them $2,000 and the problem is still there. why would we pay them MORE money to fix a problem that they haven't even fixed???? so what if they put some new parts in our. we didn't ask for those parts. we asked for the problem to be fixed. shouldn't they HAVE to fix it???
we are almost all moved out of our apartment...the only problem is, my mother is still here. won't move her stuff. messes up the entire kitchen.
we are supposed to be painting and cleaning and getting the carpet cleaned, but she keeps putting her stuff everywhere.... she thinks she's going to stay up until our move-out inspection or something. she's going to make me lose my deposit.
hmmm...maybe one day someone will make sense of it all.
btw, i don't want to, but sometime when i get time i need to re-do this whole site, even the content of the other pages. All that stuff is like from 3 years ago...
this next part of life is going to be the scariest ever.
we are moving into a place that is $950 a month AND we will have to pay utilities, AND $100+ a month cell phone bill AND for internet...
and we have NO JOBS. at all.
and we have NO CARS. at all.
and no more money in savings AT ALL.
and we live in the hills kinda, where we can't really *walk* to anywhere.
chris's work requires that he have a car, because he actually needs to drive around for it. so even if he found another job, he couldn't do it because the car is broken...
and the car place who has our car right now doesn't even know that they need to fix it for free. because chris is stupid and didn't tell them. we already gave them like $2,000 and our car was still broken in the same way, so OBVIOUSLY they need to fix it for free, but i think they are going to try to charge us more money.
you know, i've noticed, people really only disagree with me when they didn't understand what i said. they jump to argue and criticize what i DIDN'T say. listen and read well and THINK before you speak...it can help sometimes.
today i even got a nice harmless email with questions, but it was from someone SO DUMB...they were only dumb because they just emailed me without reading anything. that's happened before.
i'll get something like "you girls are hot..." and other things. it's like, did you even bother to find out WHO you were emailing?? or who's website it is? what about reading 5 seconds of the bio page, or 5 seconds of anything to figure out that the pictures of the "girls" on this site with black, red, blonde, and blue hair are ALL me.
and it's like, um, NO... there is not more than one girl here. if you would READ, you would know that!!
i hate how all (girl) shirts are always TOO SHORT.
once upon a time mid-drift showing shirts came into stlye. and that was fine, they were cute. but then when the shirt-makers went back to trying to make regular length shirts, they didn't make them long enough. they are now some horrible length that is inbetween middrift and normal length, showing off the worst part of a girls body- LOVEHANDLES, if the girl has any. it's the worst looking thing ever. and i hate it because no matter how hard i try, i can't find a shirt that's long enough! i see a lot of other girls that have this problem as well... SHIRT-MAKERS! please make longer shirts! stop being so cheap with the fabric! the end.
i love it. it's so completely ridiculous. this place we might be moving into has this metal screen door on it, the kind with a deadbolt, the kind that might be bullet proof or something....now i'm wondering, why did they go to all the trouble of installing this stupid door when like 6 feet away is a window made of the thinnest glass... a window that would brake if a tiny rock was thrown at it? is the big metal door supposed to make me feel safe when someone could brake into my house with a small rock?? i don't get it!!! did the people who made the apartments forget that robbers can enter through windows as well as doors?????
so apparently, my ex-boyfriend is SO dumb, that he thought my last post was "declaring war" on him. did anyone see me mention his name? um, no. so yeah, it wasn't about HIM. i was just saving MY words onto MY site. I could care less about him. I don't know why he thinks THAT would be a war. If it was a war, I would say a lot more. I would say his NAME. But the truth is, I just don't care enough about him to spend effort "declaring war" on him. it's especially pointless because NO ONE on this blog knows who he is, and if they did, I couldn't possibly ruin his reputation, because everyone already thinks that he is a creepy sleazebag!! my friends are always like "oh my god, i can't believe you dated THAT!" because he has NO redeming qualities. as linda so cleverly said, "he has the personality of a newt." i think his only good quality was that he was understanding ...oh wait, he wasn't really understanding, he was just faking it to get me to like him, so yeah. NONE. he has NO good qualities. but yeah, everyone already thinks that he is the biggest loser alive, so i don't need to say anything at all. he makes himself look bad all by himself. like flirting with/cuddling with/hanging on/taking out a married girl. um, EW. and everytime people see him out he's always being all over some girl, even if it's just one of his "friends" which makes him look even sleazier. EW. he is so discusting. i think i'm going to go throw up now.
i thought this was funny. a blog my ex boyfriend wrote about all the girls he's dated and all the ones he's friends with.... and my half-joking response. luckily even though i was car-less, his blog didn't really include me.
him: so when did boy start meaning chauffeur, waiter, slave? i don't mind being a friend and helping out but seriously if you want me to cater to your every need start caring about anything i do for you. i was not put on this earth to bring you food and to drive you to and from all off your stoopid appointments that you want to attend. you want equality then start putting forth an effort to drive and take care of shit on your own terms. i think my perfect girl will have a job and a car. is that too much to ask?
me: boy has always meant chauffeur! it's really lame when a girl has to pick up a boy for a date. it's like "what?!?! how are you supposed to be the boy/MAN?!?!" it makes the girl feel all un-feminin and stuff. okay, yes, i know i belong in like the 50's or something. i wanna be a stepford wife when i grow up. (minus the dishes, we can get a maid for that.) LOL
girls with cars and jobs probably won't date you (or any guy) because they already are their own boy. who the hell wants a boy when you already do everything yourself??!?! boys are far too much to deal with already, and if the boy is useless, then what's the point? the girls with cars and jobs are more into one night stands and things (say the statistics).... because they can do that, they don't need to rely on a boy for anything, so they will have lots of different boys...what do they have to lose? they make their OWN sercurity. so it actually benefits YOU to have a girl with no car or job...
and she'll get into less trouble that way as well. you get to keep her either in the house or with you at all times that way. and then she won't meet boys who are better than you at work or when she's out driving in her super cool car (& so she won't be able to sleep with them behind your back or leave you for them). i assure you that it is to your advantage to date girls without cars and jobs. there's a REASON men have surpressed women for so long, i suggest sticking to their ideas...LOL you know how evil girls can be with their free time. you have to entertain them and take them places so that they never get any time to get into trouble...
oh yes and you must be their slave and waiter or else they will leave you for someone else who is younger, cuter, whatever, etc... with more money who can afford a maid and cook. ;) girls are difficult things to keep and make happy...you have to make staying with JUST you seem like a GOOD thing. they would much rather roam and be wild and free, if you want to KEEP one of these creatures, you must make confined relationships seem MORE appealing than freedom. This often includes being their slave and waiter. They are quite fond of food and are easily captured with it, especially when it is served to them on a silver tray. They also like to be petted. (girls = cats)
If you do not wait on and slave for your captured creature, it will run away and find a better home, where it can lounge by the fire or pool and drink cream. If you do happen to find a creature that is willing to stay without being adored and waited upon, you will notice that the quality of this creature is often poor. Ugly, fat, crazy, undesireable, bad personality. It's only with YOU because no one else would take it and no one at all thought it worthy to be waited upon...you are sort of a last resort for it, a better than nothing type thing. And it knows that it's too horrible and worthless to deserve to be waited upon, so it will put up with with any way that you treat it.
so if you happen to obtain or capture a creature that you really like and want to KEEP, one that IS worthy of being waited upon, you should treat it well, wait upon it, and cherish it... unless you want to lose it to someone better. And if you treat your creature well, it will be very good to you as well, just in different ways. Such is the beauty of the DIFFERENCE between females and males. Equality, but NOT sameness. Things equal out in the end, even if they are not exactly the same. (end)
but yeah. i thought my response was funny. i really hated him and the way he didn't treat me like a girl. he's the type of guy that's very into men and women being equal. (yet still buys them small french fries and coffee when he gets large because he's CHEAP) but yeah. he insists on being able to wear things like nail-polish to work because GIRLS can. discrimination. and he never takes girls out to dinner or anything romantic or anything. sometimes fast food though, IF you're lucky. he was just blah. he was so terrible at being a boyfriend. i think he really wanted to be a girl. he was always really upset about how girls always got treated better than him so he made sure to treat his girlfriends like shit. like they weren't special. he was really jealous when his parents gave his sister money. he was jealous that his ex-girlfriend got to live rent-free with her mom...and all sorts of stuff. jealous that girls could wear better clothes than him to work, etc. etc... he was always really bitchy too. maybe he was secretly a girl. HAHA.
but yeah, i like boys who treat girls like REAL girls and stuff. boys that act like REAL boys. (like open doors for girls, etc)... girls and boys ARE different. they should stay somewhat different. if boys and girls both dressed the same and everything else the same, then nothing would be appealing or interesting about the opposite sex. it's fun to be different from each other. like if boys wore girl's lingerie, they probably wouldn't be interested in seeing girls wearing it. something like that. and i think that girls should never buy guys drinks. that just seems so wrong to me. Edgar agrees with me on this.
the funny thing is, as much as i want boys to buy me drinks and take me places, i usually feel too bad to accept drinks and feel bad not having my own car. there have been many many times that i have walked to school instead of asking a friend for a ride even though the friend didn't have to work that day. i just don't want to inconvenience anyone. actually the ONLY time i would ever ask for a ride was when i was going to be late (if you are late to class at UCSD, your GRADE goes down!!!)
i always love how the less i eat, the more weight i GAIN. i thought being poor was supposed to make you SKINNY???? but no, of course, i get the worst of things. no food to enjoy AND i have to be chubby. yay. (note the lack of recent pictures! haha) i would rather eat tons and tons and tons. and hopefully lose 10 pounds and be 120 again.
it's getting harder and harder for me to love anything, anyone, anymore... it's getting harder for me to get close to people. i've been hurt too many times by everyone and by losing people and cats...
i'm not really close to anyone lately. i'm so emotionally detached. i think i'm afraid of getting hurt again. i'm always afraid that if i love someone too much, they'll die. that's REALLY just my luck. i don't want to get close to my mom again because i know that one day she'll die and i've already lost her twice, i couldn't bear to lose her again, so it seems easier to just let go now. never see her again, almost. i don't know.
i know it's wrong not to be close to people, i know it's LIFE to have people constantly coming and going. but i really just can't take anymore of it. maybe i'll just be on vaccation from closeness for awhile.
sometimes i think that the people close to me have trouble dealing with me being so detached. (Sarah????? Mom. Chris. Reletives.) but there really isn't anything i can do. i feel like it's hard enough just to stay alive. i feel like i've been in hell for the last 14 years. i just need to rest. i've been going on and on and on with life and with just everything for SO long without ever taking a day off, without ever just doing nothing or relaxing, without ever letting my emotions out all the way. even when i'm sick i still go to work/school/out/whatever. and i still haven't taken time to get over being taken away from my mom. that still affects me in SO MANY ways. because it's NOT the past. the affects from that are a part of my everyday life. my mom isn't even the same person as when i was taken from her. IT'S HARD TO DEAL WITH. it's harder to deal with the fact that i always thought that her and i could go back to being "us" as soon as i got out of foster homes...but it NEVER happened. it's not possible. something i waited SO long for, that i was SURE would happen is now no longer possible. there is no "home" ... i have no real family anymore. everything is a mess. once upon a time my aunts and my mom would talk and hang out. we would visit my cousins. now no one will even talk to my mom. NOTHING in my life is normal. i hate it. my boyfriend won't even clean up the house. i'm too depressed to even try anymore. all the little things add up. and mother's yelling makes me go crazy. mother's messy-ness makes me go crazy. it feels like the walls are trying to swallow me. it gets harder and harder everyday to try to carry on a normal life and act as though everything is fine when it's NOT even close to fine. i need to take a vaccation from life and fix everything, and fix myself...but at the same time i want to rush into life and live life....and then my responsibilies strain me as well.
neither chris or i have a job right now. how are we going to pay rent the month after we move into our new place? our car still doesn't run. WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS SO STRESSFUL??????
maybe i will go and live with my brother for a little while. maybe that will cure me. i don't know...
today i climbed a tree with my mom. it's been forever since i've really climbed a tree. like years. i've gotten old. it was weird. i felt estranged from the trees. i felt like a girl. i didn't want to get dirty or hurt. i didn't want to add to my collection of bruises and sratches (i have many. not sure where they come from most of the time...nope! i never fell on the stairs and broke my beethoven record, that wasn't me!)
but yeah. i've really gotten so old. i used to mosh at punk shows, i used to climb trees in ROLLERSKATES (meaning i would use my bare LEGS to hold onto the tree-bark..ouch!), i used to go in the ocean and bodyboard/surf on the biggest waves i could find...
but i stopped doing everything and i lost all my tolerence for pain, and my fearlessness...not even that, it's like i lost my strength, my fire...that thing that keeps you going through anything... something is missing. i feel weak. i feel lazy. i feel scared. i feel old and brittle. i feel apathetic. i feel passionless. i feel boring.
i don't want to be this way. i don't want to be old. being old is just about the smae as being dead. i want to have FUN. i want to run around like a child, i want to be small and unnoticed, i want to live like no one is watching, i want to forget that people are around; i want to not worry what people think of me when i'm not wearing makeup and my hair is a mess with too much jojoba oil in it, and i'm in ugly messy play-clothes that aren't socially acceptable by ANY genre of people... i HATE it when i run into people i know when i'm in that condition. but i don't want to have to dress up ALL the time. i wish that i lived in a town where nobody knew me.
why do i care what the people i see all the time think about me? why do i worry that strangers will make fun of me? why should any of it matter? it shouldn't matter, but for some reason, it kind of does. i just want to be able to turn invisible. i don't want people to judge me. i just want to be me, whether that is super dressed up or exactly the opposite and NOT worry about other people... but at this point, i think it's hopeless. dressed my best or worst lately, i still feel all wrong. like i don't belong, like i'm worse than everyone else, almost. i haven't always felt THIS bad. it sucks. attn: ex-boyfriends, give me my confidence back, please!!!! i'm tired of feeling like the ugliest, worst person in the world!!!
a boy was even talking to me the other night at a bar and told me i was pretty or something and it was like "huh, what? are you talking to ME? me, pretty, same sentance???" and i thought "what complete bullshit. you don't think i'm pretty. i'm just the only girl here!" i DO understand that i look better than i THINK i look, but even that is not pretty, and either way i just can't see myself as looking even okay. almost like i'm surrounded by fun-house mirrors. maybe i really do need to get rid of this black hair...for some reason i think that will help.......
and i know, "looks don't matter" you all say. (as you seek out the perfect guy based on looks....) but looks DO matter, or at least you need to be comfortable with how you look, because if you don't at least FEEL like you look ok, then you're confidence is SO low that people can feel your insecurity and your personality starts to crumble ... people don't want to be friends with insecure people, i've noticed that. and also, if you feel so terrible about the way you look, it's hard to look at people, talk to people, feel okay just standing at a bar or dancing in a club.
grrr...i am such a mess. i hate this.
oddly enough i felt comfortable and safe dancing in LA last weekend though. LA people seem to be less judgemental and more open minded when it comes to fashion. underground san diego hipsters are too picky and elitest...
oh by the way, there was this cool secret afterhours club thing in LA called the basement...and it served alcohol after 2am...(which is illegal) but they took (near-mandatory) donations for the cover charge and drinks, so MAYBE it was somehow legal? it was on residential property...so who knows. but it was really cool that they did that. it felt kinda like stepping back in time into the days of Prohibition...
i was noticing, i'm really good at surving (or is it suffering? haha)... like going for days without food or water: it doesn't even really bother me anymore. people are like "oh no! i didn't eat breakfast today! i'm starving" and i'm thinking "oh i never eat breakfast. i don't think i've eaten for a day and a half, and i'm fine" ...i'm like that with a lot of things. it's actually quite useful. if i'm ever stuck at someone's house and too shy to say anything about being hungry, i know that i'll live, and i'll be fine...
these days, it means absolutely nothing to be on tv. it used to be cool. it used to be glamorous. now it's lame...i'd say probably even humiliating in most cases. i almost think i'd rather work at a lame office job than be on survivor, or that paris hilton's mom's show, or american idol, or those dating shows, or the game shows...and let's not even get into TALK shows...or those real life court shows!!!
and all the celebrity gossip shows are lame too. does anyone else notice the lack of REAL celebrities?? there's a whole bunch of completely ugly blondish-girls and that is ALL you ever hear about. jessica, brittany, ashlee, paris, and those full-house twins. that's it. those are the only people in hollywood. i just DON'T get it. they all have the same horrible style and the same muted-candy look to their average faces. and none of them even have any real talent, or at least creativity. what has our world come to?? the whole idea of celebrities is ridiculous enough, but when they aren't even GOOD ones, then what's the point??? what happened to people like marilyn monroe and the OLD madonna? and clara bow? it just seemed like those people had more substance...like it wasn't so much about the money or the fame...it was more about work, and glamour... glamour is something that has been completely lost in this generation....oh well. it's not like anything matters anyway...but yeah. when are these generic fake superstars going to disappear? i never thought brittany spears would even last past her first cheesy song and pink-faced album cover. and i can't even go out without being told "oh you look like paris hilton! you look like ashlee simpson!" ...it's like STOP WATCHING SO MUCH TV AND GET A LIFE OF YOUR OWN! i don't know... it's just all very annoying. i think the REAL actors and musicians should be the celebrities instead, but it just doesn't ever seem like you hear anything about them ever...
i wrote this last week. blah. garden state was a very interesting movie. hmmm. it was filmed in a very stylistic way. it's interesting that the writer was the director AND the actor. i don't really like acting my own work. it's not as fun. there's no room for extra interpretation....
i want to say thanks to all my readers and fans and friends and everyone for sticking around even though i've been going through all this "stuff" for the past year or so...hopefully a day will come where i'll have nothing to complain about (oh, but then whatever would i write about?!?!?) but yeah, thanks everyone who reads and everyone who cares and everyone who's been there for me, and espeically thanks to my fans who make me feel like what i do is actually somewhat real...oh yeah and extra thanks to my friends who have to hang out in my destroyed and ruined messy house. does anyone remember when it was clean and pretty with cool lights and candles? doesn't even seem like the same place anymore. the state of my house relects the state of my life and my mind...
Hey boy Why you didn't call me? I waited for days I can't believe you didn't call
Hey Boy Why you didn't call me? I waited for days I can't believe you didn't call
A) You're gay B) You've got a girlfriend C) You kinda thought I came on to strong, or D) I just wasn't your thing, no ring
Hey boy Why you didn't call me? I waited for days I can't believe you didn't call
We sat outside for an hour at the party and talked I thought somthing good could be starting It's not a lot that I want, just some talking And really you just injured my pride.
Hey Boy Why you didn't call me? I waited for days I can't believe you didn't call
Susan said that maybe you're scared Shelly says there always is a reason and Chris said you're probably surrounded by girls and I'm just not one of them that you needed
YAY! WE GOT AN APARTMENT! it's a really big cool pretty (studio-ish) apartment in an old fashioned building from the early 1900's or so. it even has an old fashioned elevator! and an outside gate with a telephone system thing... it will be so nice to have a gate because people can come over and i can let them in without having to go downstairs or anything...unlike here, where there's a locked door but no doorbell or anything...so you NEVER know when the pizza guy's at your house...
but yeah, YAY! it's so nice to have somewhere to live!!! we were running out of time... only had like 10 days or less left. but yeah, we get to start moving in as soon as the manager gets the paperwork done...or i was thinking of moving there about 4 days before we have to move out of here, so that we have time to move our stuff and then clean our apartment...
one of the coolest things ever was when i lost so many of my mp3s (my computer EATS data) and Dan sent me CDs full of cool mp3s... that was a year or two ago... that rocked... thanks again :) [sending mp3s in the mail is FASTER than downloading them (on dial up), and hey, they can't catch you for file-sharing, and you can fit like 100 mp3's on a disk...i think we should all share mp3's through the mail instead...it's kind of more fun...to get all this cool music and one time, and it really does SEEM faster than waiting for something to download...and sometimes is REALLY IS faster! haha]
i really love the first 84 seconds of Muse's song "New Born" ...i heard the song at the end of some french horror film i watched at Becky's... i guess the movie will be coming out (or just came out??) in american theatres dubbed over in english...i would tell you the name of the film, but i don't remember...
oh wow...today i was telling chris that it felt like "earth-quake weather," as they call it, and just now on TV it said that there was an earth-quake in northern california and that there's a tsunami warning!! ....but i guess the tsunami warning isn't too serious, or at least that's what the news guy was telling us...he said that san diego will have a 45 minute warning before it hits, if it's going to. i still think it's weird that i thought it was earthquake weather and then there was an earthquake! i guess earthquake weather is a real thing!
good fucking job mom!! mother always lets the cats outside because she won't listen to me that they are NOT allowed to be outdoor cats, but anyway, i guess the mother cat attacked a boy and his dog who were too close to her kittens and the guy called the police!!! because he had sracthes....so yeah, the police came and talked to me (of course my mom had fled the scene! and the house, when she heard the police were coming...) and i so i had to give them MY i.d. and yeah, so now the people can sue us (said the police) and they have MY NAME! and info... even though *i* don't let the cats outside. THANKS ONCE AGAIN MOM! god, i hate her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she's such a stupid bitch!! first she moves in to my apartment against my will, then she ruins my house, then she gets us evicted (kicked out), then she won't leave when she says she will, TWICE, maybe 3 times, then she loses my favorite kitten, and now this?!?!?! does it EVER end??!!?! not to mention that i ALMOST failed my classes because of her yelling at me every second of every day...
i can't wait until i move and get to escape from her!!
oh yeah, and she called back this guy we are trying to rent an apartment from and starting telling him "oh i don't think you should rent to them, because her boyfriend is bad...(which is complete BS)" and then i hung up the phone on her call!! and then she also had this cab driver friend who would give her free rides and she got mad at him so she called and reported him to his job that he had given her free rides!! i heard that he got fired because of that! but then my mom thinks it might have only been a lie that he was fired. either way, she's a bitch! she's such a terrible person nowadays! what happened to her??! she used to be a nice/good person. it seems as if all the good people deteriorate and turn into bad people, but don't even realize it and they go on preaching as though they were still saints....
i REALLY wonder, how is it that you guys consider my poetry "good" when you don't even understand what half of it means??? that baffles me. i think it would make more sense if you DID understand it and THEN thought it was good - but i'm convinced that you don't get it.
here, let's play a fun game... EMAIL ME, (not comments) what you think the complete meaning of the poem below is. and if you get it exactly right, i'll let you know...and please don't be afraid of being wrong or anything...i won't hate you or think you're stupid if you're wrong. not ONE bit. in fact, i expect you to be wrong, so if you're wrong that will be "normal" ....anything else might amaze me.
oh, could you give me any more webs i need to untangle anymore webs to tangle up in wrap myself in and when i think i've had more than enough there's always someone else to fill up my glass until i'm sick with too much and i'd want to dance with you if only we could cut the strings i'm hanging from because this time i'd rather be free than tangled and tied up
because this time i only want to dance.
(did anyone NOT get the slight Pinocchio/marionette reference?)
i think it might be really fun to be a boy. if i was a boy, i would be the coolest boyfriend, or guy to date, EVER!! i would do everything that all us girls wish that REAL boys would do, but never do. i would take girls to make-out places on hills with beautiful views, i would take them on adventures...driving randomly into the vast unknown at night...or going for walks in pretty vintage neighborhoods, under the palm trees, just after sunset when it's mostly dark and the sky is kind of purple...i would dance with them in the rain, i would take them to the cliffs to talk them for hours and to kiss them and i would have candles and wine set up there before we even got there, and i would take them to kiss under the moonlight on a pretty empty beach, i would go in the water with them when they wanted me to, and i would be FUN. i would tickle them and pick them up and make them laugh and smile. i would take them to dinner at the prettiest candle-lit resteraunts...i would buy them lingere and clothes and little things all the time. oooh and i would buy them sweet peas! and it would make me happy just to make them happy.
why aren't boys ever like that in real life anymore? when did they all become whiney bitches that all want the GIRL to pay for everything and take care of THEM and do ALL the work in dating??? they really don't do a good job of impressing us! i know so many girls that would agree. i mean, at the very least, the boys could spend more than like 2.5 seconds kissing us...right Camile and Kalin??!?!(whenever you discover my website and read this!) (Oh, and yeah, Camile, wouldn't that be great if we didn't have to buy sweetpeas for OURSELVES anymore?! well, i bought them for my boyfriend, but same thing kinda)
and you might say, "well May, you can do all that stuff anyway, even though you're not a boy"... and yeah, i can. but then i get to feel like i'm "the boy" in the relationship, and when the boy NEVER does anything close to that back, it really starts to feel like..."hey, why am i with this guy again?" ...some of you might not agree, but i think that nearly all girls want to be impressed and swept off their feet. it's like yeah, great personality guy, but you could try being sweet and romantic as well!?! PLEASE?!
and maybe it's 'wrong' to be this way, but i'd say that all that kind of stuff helps to make you totally fall in love with someone! who are you going to like more, the guy who gets you a rose on valentine's day or the one who gets you nothing? the one who remembers your birthday, or the one who doesn't? it just shows that they actually care about you, and think of you, go out of there way and busy lives to make you smile, and all that stuff...
i can honestly say, that i have put more time and effort into my relationships and spoiling boys (from making them creative sock-puppets and paintings and drawings to buying them presents, paying their cover to clubs, and taking them to the cliffs and cool places) than any boy has for me ever, with the exception of Anthony, who actually took me out to dinner all the time, and who would drive 5 hours from Las Vegas just to see me, and then we'd even sometimes drive another couple hours and spend money on a hotel just so that i could go dancing at an 18 and over club....i mean, i still bought him presents and wrote him love letters and ran up my phone bill for him...but he still actually got to be "the boy" in the relationship, which was really nice. i felt safe. and loved. cared for. and adored. he even bought us food from the grocery store and made us breakfast at MY HOUSE, as just a normal thing. didn't even think twice about it. very boy-like. it was great. if it wasn't for chris, and maybe college, and my fear of not living near ocean air, i would have so married that boy.
so when i did my play in february, i went out of my way to buy the book "1984" for one of the props, the book that my character was reading at the beginning of the play - it was supposed to kind of ... um...what's the word - how do you say it?... um... like just the themes of the book ......it was supposed to let the (well educated) audience know that the world of the play felt kind of like the world in the book 1984... that whole thing where you're being watched, where you don't have any freedom... we weren't even allowed to have boyfriends in my group home...and so on... but yeah. i wonder if anyone in the audience actually "got it" ... i kind of doubt anyone would pick up on such a small detail...AND actually realize the significance, but hey, at least it was there....
realize and re-realize two-hundred million times but when will i ever learn? i know i shouldn't but i always lose it for a broken head and a lonely smile eyes that i can make bright how can i walk away when you said i light up your life? over and done with in my mind but i'll stick around to be your brite spot in the midst of these endless clouds and this lonely place again and again too many times always a different face with a different name self-destructive and i'm all done but i'll stick around anyway to be your brite spot in this cold lonely world.
oh yeah, and there was no one who even cared about me enough to try to force me to wear "appropriate" makeup to graduation. and no one told me to wear nice shoes. i wore tennis shoes. there was no one to make sure or care that i dressed "nice" ...and there was no one to tell me that you were supposed to use bobby pins to keep your hat on. and no one cared that my hair looked terrible. and no one gave me a lei
and my kitten was stolen last week.
and i still haven't found a place to live and we need to be out of here in two weeks.
oh and our rent check bounced.
and we paid $2000 to fix our car and it's STILL broken.
i have a feeling things are only going to get worse. we are going to be moving into a place that costs more (because they all do) and i will no longer have those scraps of finacial aid or anything to rely on when chris runs out of money. yay.
once a foster child, always a foster child, i guess you know, i thought that once i got out of foster homes that i could go back to having my normal family. i thought my family was normal.
i was completely wrong.
not even one fucking person from my family came to my graduation. thanks a lot family. i'm glad you care!
NOT EVEN MY MOM CAME, even though she fucking lives in my house rent-free and won't get out. even though she has stained my carpet and my couches, and ruined everything in my house. she didn't even fucking go to my graduation! even after i spent my whole childhood defending her. after i comforted her while she cried over my dad on the living-room floor when i was 7. after just everything.
thanks mom. thanks family.
and yes, i got like 3 graduation presents from my family. but they don't even care enough to show up to something that's important to me. grandparents said they had plans to go to someone's house...i think they were lying. dad had to "work" ... i'm sorry but who works on sunday? and he gets to fly for FREE because of his job. you'd think he could take ONE day out his stupid pointless fucking life to actually care about his daughter!! and then my aunt wouldn't come because she didn't even show up to her own graduation. and then my other grandparents are too old. that one's maybe understandable. and i didn't even bother to invite any of the rest of my family because i knew they wouldn't come.
it's nice to know that i have people supporting me. ha. so fucking lame.
and yes, chris and sarah and jason and patrice and lauren came to my graduation, in place of my lame absentee family and i appreciate that and thank god i at least have my friends, but it doesn't make up for my family not being there.
i've been emotionally taking care of myself since i got taken away from my mom when i was 11 and i guess it will forever be that way. i will never have my family back. nothing will ever go back to normal. i hate my family.
NO WONDER i'm such a mess of a person. my family doesn't even care enough to show up to anything. God, other families fly across the country to go to their kids graduations and their fashion shows and just things. they are supportive.
God, you'd think that someone would care that i was graduating from UCSD. guess not. i was last a "ward of the court" until i turned 18... maybe i should have invited "the court" to my graduation ....haha, "the court" doesn't even really exist. yeah, whatever. graduation. what a "happy" day. ha. fucking pathetic.
by the way, i did another little film. called "moving" ...the screening was thursday, but i didn't bother to invite anyone this time. it actually came out pretty good. Arianna Pilram is a completely AMAZING editor. (and everything else having to do with filming)... Our film looked so professional, compared to the other ones, and the sound was near perfect and she took what little we had and made it seem like so much more...
you know, it really is AMAZING how much being cheated on (and stuff) can lower your self-confidence. it's really weird even. or just being with the wrong person for so long....
i at least used to feel confident about my clothes and/or makeup. now it's just nothing at all. i feel like i am the uglist, worst, most ridiculous looking person with less talents and ablities than anyone else in the world. and with the worst hair, and on and on and on. i seriously just am this huge insecure mess nowadays. and i believe any negitive comments i hear about myself. it's like "oh, ok. i guess i am that way"...
i wish that i could just go back to some normal state of mind. but i'm not sure how to. it's really annoying feeling THIS terrible. i feel as ugly as i did in forth grade. or even more so.
and a couple of my friends from my singing class were saying that i did have a good voice and that i sound sexy and like marilyn monroe/gwen stefani kind of... but i don't feel that way at all... and then my french friend vincent told me that i have the perfect mix of crazyness and style with the things i wear and that in paris i would be the best dressed as well...but i still feel like i'm the worst dressed person ever. like childish or something. like not good enough. not grown up enough. something.
i just wish i could stop feeling so insecure! and so below everybody in the entire world. what cures insecurity????????
i love going to (certain) bars and clubs ALONE, because then i can be free to roam and talk to(/dance with) ALL of my friends (who go there every week) and not have to feel stuck worrying about whether the person i'm with is having fun or not...it can be SO stressing sometimes trying to make sure the other person is doing okay. it's sometimes just easier to go alone...
Once there was a way to get back homeward Once there was a way to get back home Sleep pretty darling; do not cry And I will sing a lullaby
Golden slumbers fill your eyes Smiles awake you when you rise Sleep pretty darling; do not cry And I will sing a lullaby BEATLES ( Golden Slubmers Lyrics )
has anyone ever seen this picture before? i could have sworn that i posted in on my site, after last summer, but i can't find it anywhere.... ???? pieinthemiddleofthestreet.jpg
you know, i actually had like 10 other things to write, but i wrote them down as small notes instead and they haven't actually made it HERE yet....too busy with finals and graduation and stuff...
when you make music, the best thing ever is when you see YOUR band's name listed under a random internet person's music section or in a select list of favorite bands...
it makes you feel like someone actually likes your music (haha)... like you're "real" kind of...i don't know, something like that. like "hey, someone notices that my music exists!" haha...
revenge of the silver purse i feel in love with a silver/metal purse in L.A. i didn't know that i was in love with it until i got back to san diego though. night and day, all i could think about was that shiny silver purse. (not really). but anyways, the purse was $40 and swapmeet quality, so i didn't buy. i started looking for purses like it in san diego and online. i finally found it on ebay and bought it. even though it was still a little too much money.
so anyway, i finally have the stupid purse that took over a month to find, and guess what? not only does it tear and shred the fabric of every single shirt (and even skirt!) that i wear, but it has holes in it as well now! i wouldn't expect something made of metal to get holes in it! and why must it ruin my clothes? it seriously turns the sides of shirts a grey-ish soot color and then rips them beyond repair. YAY. i was thinking about lamenating the purse with clear packing tape to solve my problem, but i think that would look bad... haha
"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it- I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words." -Alice
"You don't know the first thing about love, because you don't understand compromise." - Larry.
"Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment; I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it, and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet there was one." - Alice
more CLOSER quotes...(click here) (there are some funny ones as well...but maybe you'd have to see the movie to think they were funny...?)
you probably thought i was just being mean, but i was really just being honest.
and isn't that even worse?
honesty is worse than something intentionally said to hurt someone, because it's TRUE. at least a mean comment isn't TRUE. it can be taken back. erased. because it was a lie, created to hurt someone. but mine are always based in truth. why do you think i'm sooooo good at writing the meanest, most hurtful things to you? because everything i say is true. and you KNOW it. what could be worse than that?
je ne t'ai jamais aimé.
oh, but i tried to love you. and i gave to you as if i really loved you. i respected you as though i loved you. i treated you better than even the people that i do really love. i treated you far better than you treated me and you supposedly did really "love" me... (HA HA). i never did a thing to harm you. and i gave you every moment of my time, and my thoughts, and everything i had, until there was absolutely nothing left of me. i was there for you when you cried over ex-girlfriends, and i was there, and i was there, and there, and i was there when you crushed me. and i was there when you needed me. and when you wanted me there. i spent time with you when i didn't want to, and i gave up things for you that i didn't want to. and i lost things because of you. opportunities, experiences, time, spending time with my mom, an entire summer, friends, and all sorts of things. things you don't even know about, things you never even cared about, because it was never even about me. it was all about you. everything was always for you. everything revolved around you and your way, whether you realized it or not. and you said that you loved me but you never showed it. i never saw your love. never even felt it. not even once. your 'love' was colder than ice. your 'love' was nothing more than a love for yourself. a selfishness. doing anything you wanted no matter who you hurt in the process. that's no way to be in a relationship with someone. that is NOT love. no wonder i couldn't ever love you... who could ever love such a selfish person? i gave and gave to you, gave you everything i had, and all you did was lie to me, hurt me, betray me...do you understand that i never ever did anything wrong to you, EVER? never did anything to deserve all the pain you put me through? not even one single tiny thing. i was nothing but perfect to you. why, if you "loved" me, did you hurt me? why did you not even care enough about me to respect the terms of our relationship? why would you hurt me when you said that you wanted to "help" me? when you said that you are naturally drawn to people who need help...always helping people...i just don't get it. because you never ever helped me. not once did you ever make me feel better. you did nothing but hurt me and make my life worse.
i always love to write things where only ONE person in the world really knows what i'm talking about, and everyone else just thinks i mean something else. the only problem is when some people think i write things for them, or give them things with a certain meaning, when really there is no meaning, or the meaning wasn't for them. everybody is so self-obsessed that they think everything is written about them. (see, you're thinking that i'm talking about YOU right now...but i'm probably not!) people think that song lyrics and poems are for them. all sorts of things. and they usually aren't. a few weeks ago i sent an ex-boyfriend his horoscope and he thought there was some hidden meaning in it, "so what are you trying to say?" ...he didn't believe me when i said "nothing" ...i just merely thought it was interesting, yet he took it to mean something else. which is quite fine with me, because he finally quit calling me. which is good because now i don't have to hear him talk about the married girl he likes anymore, or computers, or walmart. there is nothing worse in the world than listening to someone bitch about their job for at least an hour on the phone, every single day. GET A NEW JOB, OR SHUT UP!!! end of story. he just liked to bitch for no reason. i think he was just trying to waste my time. it bothered me because he would say the exact same things every day. sometimes more than once a day. and he would never ever talk about his feelings or anything real. EVER. he didn't even leave room for me to talk. every conversation was just him talking to hear himself talk. i think we probably had like one real conversation the whole time we dated. the rest were all him talking about other girls and what they said to him, computers, and his job. what an interesting person! oh and we got to watch tv. that was SO very exciting. yay! okay, done being better, shutting up now. i'm not talking to him anymore, so i've fixed my problem. so now he should disappear. he has this thing that he is so proud of- that he keeps in contact with EVERY single ex girlfriend he has ever had. well not me. i'm not going to be one of them. i'm not going to waste anymore of my time on a worthless person who has no respect for anyone. no, no, no. no more.
i wrote a song while crying and playing piano (note: may does NOT know how to play piano!) and i recorded it to see what it would sound like, and i figured that i could just use the tape to get the lyrics and write them down. well, head-voice near tori style opera sounding singing, while crying and pressing keys on a piano = impossible to hear what my lyrics were...i couldn't understand any of the lyrics i wanted to keep...this is all i could understand:
people everywhere but i was all alone all alone in a white room
this is all there is this is all there is to life li-li-li-li-life is just a white-room, a white room this is all there is is just a white room
and you say that we are just beginning but it's not the beginning to me this is a failed failed failed ? ending this is life life life life this is all there is is just a white room a white room a white room
this is all there is this is all there ever will be this is life life life life life this is all there is
there isn't anything else there isn't anything there isn't anything else
got to listen to your ? go to know who ? ? all alone all alone all alone
i don't want to let it show i don't want anyone to know and i try try try try try not to cry but the tears keep falling like rain
yeah, so basically, no lyrics of importance. i couldn't hear any of the verses i made at all. oh well...
i was just hanging out with jason...literally. i was "hanging out" my window talking to him. haha....we were really hanging out (like in a house, you know) before that, but he had left something, so i was throwing it to him out the window...and so yeah...i just think it's funny that i was literally "hanging out" with someone. not "funny" ...but maybe "interesting" ? some word like that. oh and we had a little picnic before that. we were supposed to have a candle lit picnic on the roof, but we just had it on the third floor balcony instead. i didn't feel up to climbing up the 115 year old rusty rickety fire escape tonight. (they locked the stairs to the roof again.)
we get old and we die. everyone knows that. but i'm not talking about death. i'm talking about dying. our spirts die. the more they get crushed, the more they die. we roam the earth with old, worn, torn-up tattered souls...sucking the life out of other souls.
the boldness of a 17-year-old girl in love. a 16 year old. she says what she feels. what she thinks. anything. everything. uncensored. without the fear of being judged.
obsessive. natural.
she's not bold because she's brave, she's bold because she's naive. because she doesn't know that she should be afraid. she doesn't know that people are laughing at her, judging her.
but it's okay. because she wins. her honesty wins the game. her open-ness, her obsessiveness. she can't win against an old love, but she can win when the rest of the competition is cold. when the rest of the girls are old: when they are too scared to love someone fully, when they are too scared to give themselves fully to anyone, when they are too scared to be themselves, to be honest with their thoughts, to be open...to be real. the 17-year-old girl wins the boy.
i was reading something somewhere that said that people who are newly in love are the same (chemically) as people with OCD. that makes a lot of sense. haha. it also said that those in-love chemicals can only last a certain amount of time (under 2 years) ... after that, the relationship either matures into real love, or ends.
i find that new relationships that don't contain that obsessive element are extremely boring. when you're in love with someone, you want them to be only in love with you, always thinking about/of only *you* (not other girls! haha) ...and it's making everything in your life adapt to include them that makes things fun and exciting...i like obsessive people. it's flattering, and it makes me like them more. as long as i'm obsessive about them as well. that's the important part. it has to be mutual. nothing is worse than an obsessive person when you DON'T feel the same about them...
but the fact that things work like that sucks because it makes the people that you DO want to be obsessively in love with you to NOT be obsessive...out of fear...because they worry that they will annoy you or scare you away. that's the one problem with getting older. people stop being natural. people stop doing what they feel, or what they want to. they start filtering everything, over-thinking everything. they're like: "i want to take this person to the cliffs in the moonlight and have candles lit and wine...but i'm afraid that they'll think i'm stupid/lame/cheesy/obsessive if i do that" ...so then they ignore what they wanted to do, and their life becomes boring and unromantic. and the other person doesn't ever think that they are obsessive, they just think they are boring. growing up is lovely. the more things you become aware of, the worse life gets. it's better to stay naive.
i think one of my favorite things in the world are first kisses. the newness of things. wondering if you're going to be able to kiss someone or if they're going to reject you, which, thank god, doesn't happen much when you're a girl. (i think guys are pretty grateful when a girl kisses them, because then it means they didn't have to make the first move and risk getting rejected) ...but sometimes i wish that i didn't (almost) always have to be the one to kiss someone first. it's fun to chase boys and try to see if you can kiss the one that you want, and capture them and make them fall in love with you, but in all reality, i would like it much better if i wasn't the one to chase. i wish that the boys that i was interested in would have tried to kiss me instead...would have tried to chase me instead...that would have been much more exciting. or when it's completely mutual, that can be good as well. the worst thing is when the boy you're dating doesn't ever kiss you - when you always have to be the one to kiss them every time you see them...even if you've been together like a year...even if they tell you that they love you, even when you know they'd marry you. it sucks not to be kissed, to never feel desired. girls need to feel desired and liked. but all the cute boys are completely spoiled. girls spoil cute boys. they buy them drinks, and presents, and kiss them, and call them, and chase them...it makes the boys spoiled to the point where they think they don't have to do any of the work in the relationship, they don't try to impress anyone, or be romantic, or anything. i know boys who won't even CALL girls. even if they like the girls. they expect the girls to call them, they think they are that great or godly or something. i hate those kind of people. i like more traditional boys. (which is why i like chris) ...ones that call the girl, ones that open doors for girls, and invite them places (dates), ones that try to kiss the girl... i hate how girls have to be the "guy" in relationships so often nowadays. guys are becoming so pathetic and girlish. i like boys like are a little girlish, but not pathetic. i like when boys are the strong, responsible one...i like when they are in control and can make you feel safe. if a boy can't make me feel safe, then why would i NEED or want a boy? i'm already really responsible and strong on my own, i can already do everything by myself...why would i want someone weaker, stupider, and lazier than me? having a boy should make a girl feel safer...it should benefit the girl, not be a burden. boys should take some of the stress off of being so independent...otherwise, what's the point? might as well stay single! kiss random boys instead...no point in owning a boy if they don't improve your life in anyway.
the statistics say that "rich single women have the most sex." (nope, not single guys!) that makes a lot of sense... a long time ago women would get married to have someone to take care of them, nowadays, they are allowed to work and make their own money, so they don't NEED to get married. they get married by CHOICE. they can be free and do whatever they want. a husband is an optional thing, and not a way to survive. so unless the guy has a lot to offer that the girl doesn't already have on her own, women don't really NEED to get married anymore. and since so many guys are so far from meeting women's standards, the chances of a women falling in love with anyone are a lot less... my friend patrice is 42, rich, has two houses, two cars, her own company, she looks like she's in her 20's, she's a good person, thousands of guys like her, etc...but she can't find anyone good enough to marry... she looks and looks and looks, but no one is ever good enough. but i bet you if we were in the days where women couldn't work, she would be married by now though...she would have settled for someone less than her standards, i'm sure.
dating older guys most of the guys that i have really dated or had real relationships with have been about 7 years older than me. it definately was not an intentional thing to date older guys. i'm not one of those people that "likes older guys" ...not AT ALL. it just sort of happened. and it's not liked they *looked* older or anything, so half the time i didn't even know they weren't my own age. but anyways, although older boys are pretty close to being smart and mature enough to date, i would say that dating them is nothing but a bad idea. dating older guys makes you old. it's because they've already done everything already, and experienced everything. nothing is new to them. when i turned 21, going to bars was new to me, and so was being able to go dancing anywhere i wanted to, instead of having to drive 2 hours away to find an 18+ club...but because i was dating older guys the whole time, i kind of missed being 21. the boys had already been going to clubs for 7+ years. it wasn't new to them, it wasn't exciting. so there was nobody to be excited with. younger guys are more exciting and fun. they also have more energy and aren't always falling asleep. life is still "new" to younger guys, and they still have dreams and hopes and passion for things. older guys don't really have any of that. also, i've noticed that younger guys are better with having conversations about in the moment things, and about people...older guys tend to have conversations about a lot of facts, like the history of mac computers and every band alive. i'm not ready to care about those kinds of things. i'd rather know the history of my friend's lives...about people i actually care about, not random bands...i don't know...i just think that dating younger guys is really important when you are young at least. it keeps you young and alive.
i really don't like to complain to all the people from "real life", here. it creeps me out that people i don't know, but who see me all the time read all my thoughts, all completely out of context. i liked it better when this blog was only read by strangers and high school friends. there are some things i just don't want to have to admit or say. i don't like to admit when things are bad. i don't want people to know. some things are okay, most things are okay, but not everything. i don't want to sound pathetic. i don't know. and i don't want people to feel sorry for me. i just want to talk, and that's all.
today was my theatre (major) graduation. not our main graduation, but it was the most important to us theatre majors. a lot aren't even going to the real graduation. we like this one because it had all our teachers, all our friends. a tiny group of people, and very personal. anyways, i was actually kind of looking forward to it. usually i hate things like graduations and formalized things. but because i had to sing with my singing class at the graduation, i figured that i would go to it as well. everything was going well...
until no one i invited showed up. i was so sad that i wanted to cry. i kept getting sadder and sadder. everyone had all their families and friends and things, and i had no one. i felt so alone. i felt like a foster child all over again. it was SO horrible. i ended up bursting into tears afterwards, confiding only in my friend alexis as to the reason i was crying...
now, that's just how i FELT. i guess i was being a little over-dramtic to feel that way. MAYBE. i did have many THEATRE friends that were there. no one came specifically for me, but they still were my friends, and when i went up to get my diploma thing people (my friends) clapped and yelled for me as much as they did anyone else, more applaus than some people got. (which made things feel not SO bad) and then i must point out the fact that i really didn't invite too many people. chris, patrice & her boyfriend; that's it. i slightly mentioned it to jason and marcy the day before, but i knew they had to work. didn't mention it to ANY other friends (like sarah) because of work as well, and i also just didn't want them to be bored. but yeah, so i guess i was just crying and upset that the 2-3 people that i DID invite didn't show up. that no one came FOR me. it also didn't help that i invited my grandparents to my "real" graduation (june 12) and they said they can't go because they have to go somewhere else (yeah right!! ???) and then my aunt and uncle won't come either... and my mom might not be able to go either...
i didn't invite my mom to this one because she would have embarrased me to DEATH in front of everyone, and i am NOT that strong. can't handle that at all. she's too crazy lately. you have NO idea.
oh yeah, and i guess i should add the fact that chris didn't come because the car broke down yet again (YES, AFTER HE SPENT $2,000 to FIX IT! -obviously they did NOT fix the RIGHT thing!) ... so i guess it wasn't his fault ...but still, i don't think he tried hard enough to be there...he didn't care enough... he could have found a way there if he really tried...
but yeah, so i guess then "technically" only one person (patrice) and her boyfriend didn't show up...and they do live 2 hours away.... so i guess that everyone has a good excuse, maybe... but i still think it's lame that no one that supposedly cares about me can show up to anything that's supposed to be important to me. especially my grandparents...that's just completely out of character for them to say they won't be able to come to my "real" graduation... and i really doubt that they have something else going on that day. i think that they think that my mom is going to be there and so THAT's why they aren't going to go...i bet you anything. that's still lame of them. i hate everyone.
i think that people who are more confident give out more compliments. people that are self-conscious seem to be too shy or scared to compliment others, either that or sometimes they obsessively annoyingly over-compliment. i think the lack of compliments comes from being worried about over-complimenting, or maybe from not wanting to feel less than the other person. has anyone else noticed that?
i really want a job that studies/researches stuff like that. like psychology mixed with statistics or something...
fischerspooner sucks! i liked them until i saw their show last night. now i HATE them. their costumes were lame (baseball uniforms, etc.), their live music was lame, their new songs were lame, their dancers were lame, the lead singer was way too cocky (and lame), and then they poured beer on us and then spit beer in our faces. (and someone threw a full beer can back at him ...haha... and he got upset). at one point the singer crowd-surfed and the people put him back too soon, so he STOPPED all the music and everything!!!!! he demanded that he be crowd surfed all the way to the sound booth, and then back to the stage. he seriously thought he was better than god. he thought he was just the best thing in the entire world. he looked like an idiot in his stupid, ugly baseball robe. his dull-red costume was super lame as well. when he came by, i pinched him with my nails. i should have pinched him harder. that's what you get when you spit beer on me, i don't care if you're in a band, that doesn't make you better than ANYONE. i was SO not impressed. people with HUGE ugly egos are not worth much in my book. god, the guy was just SO lame, i don't even see WHY he had an ego at all??? anyway, the band was supposed to go to the same after party as us (livewire) and i was planning to spit beer in the singer's face to return the favor. but they never showed up. i guess it was for the best, right? by then i was kinda over it anyway.
if anyone has seen their music video for emerge, or one of their OLD shows, then you can understand why the baseball uniforms were upsetting... what a complete waste of money that i didn't have!!!!! now i'm in debt to jason. thanks a lot fischerspooner!
Black or Platinum Blonde hair??? which one should i have??? TELL ME! i've been trying to decide forever.... (red is NOT an option because it's like $20 a week to maintain properly... black is only $4 a month and blonde is like $4-6 every 3 weeks)
...i'm a little scared to go back to blonde because my hair is SO damaged...it could either fall out or turn orange/blotchy...
but yeah, we don't care about that fact. i don't care about damaging my hair more, everything will turn out fine in the end. which one LOOKS better (with my skin tone, styles, etc)? and keep in mind that my skin is actually a lot darker than a lot of the pictures show... kinda like the color in the first picture on this page: click
the more i look at my pictures, the more i don't really like either color..it would be better if i just had no head!! but, so yeah, which color?? go comment and tell me! (and don't be a 14-year-old girl and choose the color that makes me look the worst so that i'll be ugly[er]!)
i picked up my cap and gown today... graduation is next sunday. today is the theatre department graduation. i'm all of a sudden terrified of graduation. ok, maybe not terrified, but something. i feel like crying. i hate school, but now i don't want to leave. this is the most stable thing i've had since i was 5. i've been at this school 4 years in a row, longer than i've stayed at any other school ever. 2 years was the most before.
i don't know what i want to do with my life. there are too many options. and i know that with the way i am, i can really only pick ONE thing and give it everything. give it every second of my time. if there's more than one thing it will only take time and effort from the other thing leading to failure in both. for example, if i'm going to try to do my music, i'll need to spend ALL my time practicing, writing, recording, PROMOTING, and so on... if it's acting, i'll need to spend all my time finding auditions, memorizing monologues and so on...
i also think that i might like to work for a record company, on the side. that's probably a hard job to get? or maybe get my teaching credentials..but maybe i'm too shy to teach? or what would be really cool would be to do psychology research/studies...is that a job? or to be a therapist...
i don't know.
i also thought that i might like to be a writer for something like city beat, but what would i write? would they hire me? hmmm...
je pense que je suis fini avec tout le monde. je suis morte et sans la passion pour n'importe quoi. je ne sais pas. rien. seulement "je pense que je suis fini." non plus, non moins.
