i like to be indirect. (sometimes) it's fun. but i hate when people are indirect to me, at least about serious things, because i am not arrogant enough to ever believe that i truly "get it"....and so then i just have no idea what they are really talking about...
i like the way that directness makes me feel more secure and safe and stuff. my last boyfriend was never ever direct about his feelings (probably because he was scared?) and all it did was make me feel crazy and unliked and and that other stuff...even though, supposedly, i was loved, and liked, and all that other stuff. it rubbed off on me and made me afraid to be direct with my feelings...it sucks, i don't want to HAVE TO be that way....
you can have what you think you can't you'll get just what you want ...or so the fortune read
he stood there standing, his eyes full of intent what about me? it could be me ...or so his eyes said
i shouldn't, she thought but in this moment it doesn't matter ...or so her lips read
without going anywhere they covered so much ground lost in the music that was so loud ...or so the bruises said
you can have what you think you can't you'll get just what you want you can have what you think you can't you'll get just what you want ...or so the fortune read
(song, in the style of "she wants revenge" [music and singer])
she wanted more
with her hair all in a mess and her eye makeup smeared she's going to bed when the sun is waking she's getting home just now to a lonely room, to a lonely bed again with nothing but her memories but they're fading fast
and all the voices in her head are tearing her apart she had everything she wanted but she kept running away always running towards nothing throwing everything real away
she had it all, all along but it just wasn't enough she wanted more, she wanted him she just couldn't let go of the look in his eyes
he's making her laugh and she thinks that's worth everything she's in love with the moment and that's enough to throw away everything...
with her hair all in a mess and her eye makeup smeared she's going to bed when the sun is waking she's getting home just now to a lonely room, to a lonely bed again with nothing but her memories but they're fading fast
and all the voices in her head are tearing her apart she had everything she wanted but she kept running away always running towards nothing throwing everything real away
she had it all, all along but it just wasn't enough she wanted more, she wanted him she just couldn't let go of the look in his eyes
he's making her laugh and she thinks that's worth everything she's in love with the moment and that's enough to throw away everything
nothing but words. you murdered me. beyond all recognition. i wanted you to save me. you killed me more instead. i want myself back. i want to live again. where is my passion for life? where am i? you took away the last of my soul. i want it back now. i want picture perfect. i want it all. i want more than you ever were. i want more than you ever wanted me to be. i don't want to be invisible anymore. your curse is broken. i am free. i will show you. these broken pieces will be reborn. i will be myself again someday. i will be better than you made me. i will get back everything you took and more.
they all can see that i'm gone. how long have i been gone?
btw, i am in new mexico visiting my aunt. it took over 18 hours on the greyhound to get here. she might be giving chris and i her old (HUGE...eeeeeep) truck...IF it passes smog... (which means that i would be like $1000+ in debt to my aunt for insurance and registration, gas to CA, etc...)
so yes, you say, "oh look, you are going to have a car, MAY!" ... but it's really just back to where i always was. since we have ZERO cars right now... it will just be chris driving to work....and may stuck at home without a car...
but maybe at least because it will be "mine" ...i can take it more...i will drop chris off at band practice and be late to pick him up and treat him exactly how he treated me ;) hehehe........
i worry too much - read into things that aren't there... in a bad way. i would go through a lot less agony if only i didn't think so much!!
it's like i guess i just make up all this stuff in my head, or maybe just make more out of something small...and i get like all sad or worried about it, when really it wasn't anything. or if it was something, it was not as bad as the way i let my imagination create it...
you can be my last one better than my first one you can be my last death stab me with plastic lay me on the sidewalk and take away all of my pain
do you want to be my last one? you seem like the best one so please stab me with plastic make me laugh until my last death you can be my last one better than my first one (song)
we've gone too deep we've gone too far i know i should leave but i just can't stop now i know i should run but i just can't turn away now memories of your face now take me down take me down again take me down want to feel the ground again
put me to sleep want to wake up to you i know i should leave but i just can't stop now i know i should run but i just can't turn away now i want to stay in this place now take me down take me down again take me down want to feel the ground again (song)
we all live the same life, we just experience it differently.
something like that. i had it worded better in my head, but i lost the words somewhere in the last 6 hours.
it's interesting to see teenagers having SO MUCH fun at a show and then people closer to my age (well, in looks at least...age 29,30, etc...) sitting down or standing instead of dancing. it's so sad when people forget how to have fun...the worst thing is when they don't even realize that fun exists anymore...they forget how to laugh...how to be free...they even find the teenagers annoying sometimes... i guess it makes sense, kind of...but if they were actually having fun they wouldn't have time to find anyone else's happiness annoying.
i really need to start hanging out with younger people. all these older people are making me dull...which makes me depressed...
i need friends that are fun and confident (or secure?) and playful and who love to dance...and be random....
oh but anyway, it's weird to think that two people can be in the exact same place or doing the exact same things yet be feeling completely different about everything... everyone's different perception of things makes the world completely different for them. i guess in that sense, there is NO reality. it just doesn't exist. there is no one common way that things really are. even the simplest things are seen differently by different people ...it's almost like the real facts don't even matter. if you feel OLD, you are old...you will be miserable... if you tell yourself that you are not old, you allow yourself to have fun... you can't go through life feeling miserable if you have the power to change it. you get to see things the way you want to see them...you create your own reality....
i finally got rid of my black hair! and i do feel much better now. it feels like *everything* will be better now. (haha) ...but yeah, so i figured that i shouldn't have to spend ALL of my graduation money on rent and actually got my hair done! it's really hard for me to spend money on things like hair and food and shows and anything that you can't keep (or anything that is too expensive - like a $23 tee-shirt) ...but anyways, this is the second time in my entire life that i've gotten my hair "professionally" colored... i usually think it's insane to spend money on something you can do yourself for $3-$20, but in this case, my hair was just so damaged, and it's just so hard to get black out, that i figured it would be smarter to have someone else do my hair... and i got it cut as well... i let Joseph (my friend/hair artist) kinda do half of what he wanted mixed in with what i was trying to tell him to do, and so i ended up with the shortest haircut and red/orange hair .... it's cute, but not very may-ish... but i'm starting to like it.
if i could find my camera or some clothes, i'd take pictures, but i'm still unpacking into my new apt... so probably no pictures for awhile. besides, i'm sick of having to take like 100 pictures just to get ONE that i like. it takes waaaaay too long...
but yeah, what i was trying to say, is that as soon as i got my new hair, even though i didn't really like it at first, i started feeling better... you know, kinda like how a character in a movie feels when an evil spell is broken or something...haha ... i felt alive again. goodbye blackness and darkness...stupid depressing black hair!
it just doesn't feel like there is any going forward from here.
there isn't anymore hope. there's nothing but endless past and painful memories. realizations of "oh my god, this really happened to me" ...realizations of the fact that i will never get home. there is no more home. it's over. there's nothing left. there is no future.
here i am with a new apartment, but i see no forward, no future. i could just walk away from everything and not even care. i held on to everything for so long. clothes, old letters, everything, and now it just doesn't even matter anymore. there aren't anymore dreams or goals, it's over. life feels over. i'm done with this place.
i have been through (or in) HELL for the last week.
i don't even know where to begin. all i know is that no matter what i write, no one will ever even begin to understand all the things and ways i FELT during all this.
"So May, what are you going to do with your mother when you move?" you all asked, as if she wasn't an adult, as if she was MY responsibility.
"take her to a hospital" ..."get her professional help" ... "why don't you call social services?" ... and on and on you went.
well let me tell you, you CANNOT do anything with a person who doesn't want help! you can't do anything with a person who only wants to live with YOU...
well mother, i tried living with you and you drove me so insane that it's lucky i even made it through college. it's lucky that i'm still alive. that you are still alive. yeah, that's never going to work. YOU need to get your OWN house/place, if you want a "family" ...you can't leech off your child and invade their space and push all their buttons until they are so frusterated they almost kill you...
anyways...so the disaster started on maybe June 29th or so.....
-------to be continued...actually, i left this in draft form for so long that i don't feel like finishing it. it's in the past. feelings in the past. no need to finish it. or at least that's how i feel at the moment...
