Ew, I had forgotten how much I hate standard normal boys. I've encountered one too many lately. I'm so glad that all my friends are hipster/scenester/whatever they are boys. Seriously. They are so cool. You go to a bar or club and no one hits on you. No one drools on your shoes. No one tries to freak dance with you. No one tries to buy your attention with a drink. These boys are all really respectful instead. They have real interests other than just girls. It's really nice. They can sit and talk to you about music, instead of how they would like to sleep with you, or some similar remarks.
Anyways, and on to why I loathe normal boys: They seem to think, that for some reason, just because you actually TALK to them, that means you want to kiss them, or that it's okay for them to TRY to kiss you. Or to try to hold your hand, or at the very least to talk about wanting to kiss you.
Thou shalt not hold May*Star's hand unless dating or close friends. And if we are dating, trust me, you'll know it. It will be clearer than clear.
Anyways, they do this to every girl. It's not like you are even special. When their tactics do not work on the first girl, they move right on the the next girl and try again. And again and again and again.
It's like they are dogs drooling over a piece of meat. It's absolutely disgusting.
Learn the meaning of the term "FRIENDS" please.
And THIS is the reason I do not go out to bars or clubs in DOWNTOWN san diego (other than the bad music) ...because downtown is teeming with guys like these.
yet another year goes by and things aren't right anniversary again again and again distant friends is all we are happy anniversary as i murder you some more.
i almost died today! (i mean yesterday, at 7pm) in a 130mph accident. in mexico. no, i was not driving. no, i did NOT want to go to mexico that day. no, i was not with "friends".... rather with an acquaintance/film-director that mother and i met 6 months ago. my leg looks great now. my back and neck feel great as well. awesome. no REAL damage though. to me at least. the driver has a hole in his elbow now. like an inch deep. his car is totaled as well. the front and back were both crushed. we first hit the center divider then bounced to the other side of the road and spun around three times before slamming into the side of a mountain. at some point, i grabbed onto the handle in the car and braced my feet against something and prayed "dear god, please help." apparently, there is a god. i walked away from the accident with hardly a scratch. and a nice mexican man stopped to help us, waited with us for 2 hours for the cops to come, paid them off so that the accident didn't have to be reported and so that the lovely driver did not have to go to jail. then he drove us home all the way to san diego. the end. (longer more detailed version of this story available somewhere else....)
i got the coolest thing in the mail today... my diploma!! yay! my piece of paper that i worked SO hard for the last 4, well, actually kind of 8+ years to get ....
what is more important? people or careers? is it more important to spend time with friends and family, or to try to "be" something in life? it seems incredibly silly to try to 'be' something...putting so much work and effort and time into something that ultimately doesn't matter. but then again, spending time with friends doesn't seem like it matters all that much either...people and come and go so easily. they move away and life goes on. it seems as if nothing is worth putting time into. and what a petty little world we live in. this whole life thing is so stupid. i think i'll just sit here and wait for it to be over.
i really want to play shows. it seems like that would be the only thing that would make me happy... but of course, chris never practices with me or anything...grrrr...
and even when i do play shows, SOMEDAY, i don't want to have my friends come... i'd be too shy. i like strangers better.
my PC DIED a few days ago. along with all my pictures and everything on it. i wonder if it's possible to get things off the hard drive? i wonder if the hard drive is fixable? what sucks even more is that i finally got my external harddrive set up to back up stuff...only the stupid hard drive seems to be broken or something.... so i couldn't even back anything up...
back to the PC thing. this is what it told me. anyone know an EASY way to fix it? (i already tried safe mode/F8/Best known config...)
STOP: c0000218 {Registry File Failure} The registry cannot load the hive (file): \SystemRoot\System32\Config\SOFTWARE or its log or alterbate. It is corrupt, absent, or not writable.
Beginning dump of physical memory Physical memory dump complete. Contact your system administrator or technical support group for further assistance.
i'm sure there were important things on that computer. i just would rather not think about what's missing until hopefully it's fixed. this computer has just about nothing on it. i'm really not used to working with MACs... i kept using my PC too much ....
happy with you melt into depression without you into nothing without you existance lies in the hands of another in the hands of others take you away and watch the smile fade take you away i become obsolete
i RARELY ever ask for help...i always insist on doing EVERYTHING myself, because usually, no one can do anything exactly the way i want it, so there's no choice.... but yeah, every once in awhile, it's so nice to ask for help, or let someone help and just not have to think about something for once...just relax and let someone else do the thinking....
of my ex, (OUR ex,) she said:
"wow, i'm really glad you're away from him, he was an ugly beast man and you're a stone fox.
ew god even thinking about him is gross, good job stay away."
why must i always feel like nothing? or never good enough? is that part of being a perfectionist? why is it that the fact that i've done webdesign and that i have songs at all, and that i write poems and that i model sometimes, go-go dance sometimes, been in little films, and that i've been in a music video and that i've produced my very own play mean NOTHING to me? why do i still feel like i've done less than everyone else, that everyone else is somehow better than me? Do i just need to do MORE? is that what it is?
why does it feel like i AM nothing????
on top of everything else, i feel like i don't know how to dress anymore. i feel like my hair color looks like a ridiculous child (it's pinkish and blonde-ish now, half-way on accident) ...i feel like my clothes are too childish ... i even feel like i don't know ENOUGH music. i feel "disabled" because i don't know how to play piano or guitar, or keyboards. i feel like the clothes that i have designed in the past look childish and stupid. unsophisticated colors.
maybe this is what i get for comparing myself to all the people i hang out with. maybe if i were to hang out with "normal" people i could feel more accomplished than anyone else. i would feel like i knew more about music than everyone else. TOO MUCH. but then maybe i would at least have someone to teach. i like showing people things...like new music and places...it seems like the people i hang around already know everything, or if they don't, they at least seem like they do...and if i were to show them anything i would worry that it wasn't "cool" enough for them.... i don't know. i REALLY hate feeling how i do.
what can i do to fix this feeling?
part of me wants to do something with my life. acting, singing, something. but then i see how stupid everything in this world. it's hard for me to work hard at something when there's no point. and if acting or singing can only at most lead to being on the cover of Star magazine, then I DON'T WANT THAT!
i don't know why we all live each day. i don't know why we work and work and work our whole lives just to die. why must we live to begin with?
and i think i've even forgotten how to love. i don't think i love my cat the way i used to love cats a long time ago. i don't think i connect to it, i don't think i've bonded with it. i think i go through the motions of loving people...but it's getting harder and harder to feel...harder to truely care...about myself, about others....put a blanket over someone to make sure they are not cold, but it seems as if there's something missing that makes it not truely caring. i've been so hurt that it just doesn't seem like feelings even exist sometimes. a small problem starts to seem completely not worth feeling sad/bad about. i don't care about my small problem, so how can i feel sorry for you and your small problem? how can i FEEL for you?
it seems like i am getting increasingly worse. graduated college, but i don't feel like going farther in life. i've done what i was supposed to do, now let me die, let me out of this pointless world. what a waste of effort.
and i meet people who don't believe in God and it starts to make sense. but maybe not. i think that if i knew there was a God for sure, it would help give my life some kind of purpose. Maybe i don't want to believe that there is a god because then i would have to live less selfishly. and i want to be selfish now. i was unselfish for far too long. i was the best child there was. i didn't run away. i didn't go back to my mom, because i was doing "what i was supposed to do" ...what a mistake. i don't know. it doesn't even seem to matter. all paths seem to lead to the same dead end. death.
and everyone says "well if you were going to die tomorrow, or next week, what would you do?"
well...i wouldn't rush around doing everything i've never done. i wouldn't care. why on earth would you bother doing something if you were about to die? wheather you do them or not, you are still going to die, and when you die, who knows what happens to you, but either way you won't be in THIS world anymore, so who cares what you got to do and what you didn't?
i guess maybe i'm just not really even living in this world CURRENTLY. maybe that's my problem. maybe that's why i don't care what i do here. maybe i'm just waiting to leave this place. there doesn't even have to be anything painful going on in my life, just being alive is pain enough. i feel like a cow waiting to be slaughtered...as if death invalidates life completely. life seems so small and worthless. so petty. even our emotions are petty. why must we be alive?
on another note, i do notice that when someone distracts me or makes me laugh, i do forget about all of this. for a moment none of this exists, for a moment i live in this world and it's okay. maybe i just need to find something that makes me truely happy, that makes life worth being alive for. something that makes me feel alive. and i think it needs to be something for myself, and not another person...but maybe that's wrong? i don't know. doesn't anyone know anything? how is it that the rest of you go on living life just fine, but have no advice to help me stop feeling like this?
i write and write. the same complaints, but i remain stuck and unanswered.
at the very least, i am slowly recovering from being with my ex-boyfriend. very slowly. but better than nothing?
shall i return home finally and all alone? stop running and give in go back to what was supposed to be? should i give up and just leave you alone? give it all away so everyone else can feel no pain shall i return home finally and all alone? (8/11)
Edgar saves the day! Edgar saved our friend Summer from going to mexican jail. and that's all i have to say about our night.
oh, except for, all i brought to TJ was $6 and an ID and it was perfect ... well, one more $ would have been better, but close enough. thanks to my friend for buying me soda : ) ...anyway, no purse, no phone, no keys...it was great but i did bring gum, and i lost it, it fell out of my pocket... luckily i didn't lose my ID....
the end. the rest i keep as memories and not on paper, or in this case, on-line?
WED AUG 10TH 2005 @ CLUB PARTY MONSTER vol 2 (in LA)
If you get tickets ONLINE today, it's only $20...
If you wait to buy them at the door, they go up. Last year they went up to $30...I have no idea about this year.
So get your tickets NOW @ WWW.GROOVETICKETS.COM
flyer 1 link flyer 2 link more: http://myspace-633.vo.llnwd.net/00138/33/69/138109633_l.jpg http://myspace-507.vo.llnwd.net/00138/70/50/138110507_l.jpg http://myspace-653.vo.llnwd.net/00138/35/66/138116653_l.jpg
go go dancing pictures from january. they are pretty lame looking, but oh well.
oh, p.s. it used to be somewhat easy to get go-go dancing jobs, but lately, dealing with promoters is REALLY lame. all of them suck!! "sure! i'll get back to you about that!" they say. and never do. THANKS a lot! FINE hire some other dancer WITHOUT a college degree, see if I care! (haha)
i am so incredibly sick of being depressed.
but i can't find meaning in anything.
what is the point to anything?
why do people even exist at all? how stupid.
too heavy is the weight of happiness experienced at someone else's expense too much is the price of a smile that wounds someone else's soul too heavy is the weight of my only happiness.
it's so incredibly important to interperse LIFE with bits of time ALONE to reflect on the LIFE that you've experienced; to put your recent memories on repeat - wind them around and around in your head and make your experiences mean something, even if the meanings you have for them are more based in fantasy than reality....
if you just keep going and going and going, it makes it all worthless. you have to take time off from living to FEEL what you've lived.
