NEW YORK! I'm going to New York tomorrow! YAY! I'll be back on Monday... My friend Patrice is taking me for a graduation present...
These are the clubs/bars I might be going to:
THURSDAY: 11pm Distortion Disco @ Duvet 45 west 21st street / new york city between 5th and 6th 212-989-2121 details maybe: www.gbh.tv
FRIDAY: "The Hot Pink": an electro-disco-punk dance night Scenic @ 25 Avenue B 10009 between 2nd and 3rd street [east village] (646) 536-3654 Subway: F, V to Second Ave Bus: M9 from Union Square http://www.thehotpink.com/ http://scenicnyc.com/
OR: RiFiFi Fridays trash! d.j. jess and alex malfunction spin the best in brit-pop, new-wave, electro, rawk, and indie!! No cover * Events begin at 10pm * Cinema Classics | 332 E 11th St Located near 1st ave L train * between 1st and 2nd ave
SATURDAY: MisShapes (spencer) 11PM - 4AM Luke & Leroys 21 7th Ave S , New York 10014 [west village] (Corner of 7th Ave and Leroy - 3 blocks south of Bleecker) By Subway MTA 1, 9 TRAIN at Houston St. $5 Door [ if not on list ] http://www.misshapes.com/
SUNDAY: early evening, 7pm + http://www.korovamilkbar.com/ 200 Avenue A between 12th and 13th st. East Village, NYC 10009 212.254.8838
Beauty Bar get your nails done while sipping on a martini! + hipster beauty pageant 231 E. 14th Street East Village New York, Telephone: 212 539 1389 Hours: Sun 7pm - 4am DJ's at 10pm+ http://www.beautybar.com/ddg/pics.html
FINALLY NEW PICTURES, 65 years later... oh and P.S. I went back to blonde hair, AT LAST! it's nice to be ME again...
Joshua Flowers cut and dyed my hair. He's SO GOOD. If you live in San Diego, and you want him to do your hair, email me and I'll give you the number of his salon...
Let me know if you have a problem with any of the links or anything - this was my first time trying to do HTML on my powerbook... it was kinda tricky to save the files right because I don't have dreamweaver or anything and the way that I saved files using notepad on a PC is impossible on a MAC - i think. Oh and yes, I'm quite aware that I look chubby/ugly in some of these pictures, but oh well. (ones that I DIDN'T put up here looked even fatter...eep!) But hey, fat ugly models are cool!
throwing darts at your hardened heart to see if that would change it wanted to see if anything could brake it
i danced around and laughed: "you can't hurt me because i've already hurt you you just don't know it yet" "you can't hurt me because i've already hurt you you just don't know it yet"
each kiss was a question never knowing how you'd feel had you changed your mind or was it the same as the time before
we get older and stop doing what we feel pent-up passions and discarded ideas think before you act, don't act like that and so many other unspoken rules
pretty soon you're doing nothing at all out of fear of doing everything wrong wait, stop, think about it, then nothing, you fall into missed opportunities, broken hearts, and lonely nights
standing around, leaning up on the wall you're waiting for someone else to do something you're always waiting for the other person to call waiting to dance, to speak, is it okay to breathe?
we get older and stop doing what we feel pent-up passions and discarded ideas think before you act, don't act like that and so many other unspoken rules
slowly...very, very slowly, actually, i'm starting to have a family again
and it's really surreal and foreign. after so many years of not seeing anyone, i never thought that i would ever get them back. i had just decided to move on. now slowly they creep back into my life. and i'm not quite sure HOW to have brothers, or cousins, or anyone. i've been somewhat alone for so long, that it's really weird to have them back. they are like friends that i've known from another life, but in this world they are like familiar strangers.
i went to see my (step)brother's irish band play on sunday. he plays in san diego, he lives in north san diego. how did we end up living in the same county? it's weird. this was about the 4th time i've seen him in the last 4 years, before that i hadn't seen him in 11 years or so. it's weird to have a brother suddenly, it's weird to have a brother that is close enough to actually see. i'm not sure exactly how this is supposed to work.
and then my littlest brother (mark) emailed me recently. he's the one i've only seen twice in the past 7 or so years...he's so much older than when we were family. it's so strange.
and then my brother davey (david) called me a few weeks ago, and that was really really strange... it's the first time i've talked to him since i was 7 ... yeah, i saw him once right before i turned 16, (BUT HE WAS SHY AND DIDN'T TALK), and i talked to him online like once...but him calling me out of the blue like that was really surreal... the first time of talking to the person who was once my best friend in 15 years, how strange is that?...it sucks because he was too young to remember most of our memeories..
it's like people who i thought were dead are contacting me. people that i had had funerals for in my mind, are suddenly alive again.
and then seeing my cousins this summer was really interesting as well. it was like, being around my 17 year old cousin almost made me grow up a lot, all at once ... like it was finally SAFE to be silly again...ok to be sarcastic, because SOMEONE finally understands....
and then my cousin lindsey will sometimes call me and yell at me: "you are not alone! don't write stuff on your website! call me when you are sad!!" i've only see her a few times in the last 16 years as well.
it's really amazing how much being in foster homes and all that can mess up your entire life.... when you're young like that, you don't realize that things will ever get better, you don't realize that things even have a chance of going back to how they were.
i wish that my mother would get her life together. i wish that she would have a place to live. it would be nice to have some kind of home to go to every once in awhile.
but mother is destroyed. having her children being taken away from her completely destroyed mother. i was destroyed as well, but only on an emotional level ...i tried my best to keep the outside of my life together ...i got good grades, i didn't do drugs, i graduated from college. but now what? i want to live now, i think. i don't want to slave away for a house or a car, not yet. i need to heal first. i'm getting better i think. i think that if i just float around and do "nothing" that everything will fall into place.
tomorrow is my first day at work, working as movie extra. they call you whenever they need you. it's only like $50 a day, and no it's not stable, but i think that that's good for me right now. if i were to be locked into something stable at this point, i think i would wilt and die like a flower.
it's almost as if my past never existed. everything that was "different" has faded away, and i go about life as if none of it ever happened. everything is normal and i am just another person in life. it's really surreal. it suddenly doesn't matter than my parents are divorced, or that i lived in foster homes, or anything. my life is my own now. i make my life whatever i want it. i am whoever i want to be. and on top of that, everything in my life is completely fine.
ok, so maybe not everything is fine, maybe it's all a mess on different levels and in different ways, but at least it appears fine. at least for short periods of time i can trick myself into thinking it's fine.
and maybe, even if i'm not happy, at least nothing is really really wrong. not wrong enough to matter at least. well..........
a meaningless kiss i can't feel anything you kiss me again i turn my head i don't want it anymore i don't feel anything the kiss worse than death wrapped around my body it starts to squeeze the room turns black you're everywhere i look smothering me with too much when i never wanted any i turn my head i don't want it anymore i don't feel anything you make my stomach sick the kiss worse than death.
a steam of consciousness poem/song about the meaningless of life, waiting, and the shallowness of everything and everyone....
waiting for you
sitting i wait for days days filled with nothing just waiting say it for today save it for today what have i done i've waited much too long you wasted all my time another piece of life gone wrong we are all nothing we mean nothing i hide from my sadness but at last the tears burn my eyes fall through the glass WE MEAN NOTHING!!! waiting around to die oh take away this stinging pain do i feel so much deeper than you? do i see it all different than you? i mourn for us you don't seem to remember my name am i still yours? what is all of this? drowning in silence it hurts my ears screaming in silence oh how it all means NOTHING! the pain you cause not worth the pleasure pleasureless days as you put me on hold uncertainty the voices inside my head eat my brain this is too heavy it's too heavy!! take you off with my clothes wash your memory away i find myself chained to you you're dead i'm stuck with your ghost i'm all alone but it means nothing oh you couldn't understand you can't understand so why do i wait for you when really i hate for you and everything that you are not everything you didn't give everything you couldn't hear kiss me good bye i don't want to wait anymore kiss me again and let's be done with this game i don't want to win anymore the prize isn't worth the pain kiss me good bye don't forget to kiss me good bye just one more night one more night like us then forget my name. it doesn't matter anyway it all means nothing we are all nothing.
i chose an eternity of this like falling angels the world disappeared laughing into the fire is it always like this? flesh and blood and the first kiss the first colours the first kiss
we writhed under a red light voodoo smile siamese twins a girl at the window looks at me for an hour then everything falls apart broken inside me it falls apart
the walls and the ceiling move in time push a blade into my hands slowly up the stairs and into the room is it always like this?
dancing in my pocket worms eat my skin she glows and grows with arms outstretched her legs around me...
in the morning i cried
leave me to die you won't remember my voice i walked away and grew old you never talk we never smile i scream you're nothing i don't need you any more you're nothing
it fades and spins fades and spins...
sing out loud we all die!!! laughing into the fire...
so, my housewarming party went pretty well. lots and lots of people showed up. and there was dancing. yay :)
it sucks though, i drank champagne and then a mixed drink, so then i got sick and missed the last hour of my party....grrrr...which means that i didn't even get to see some of my friends who didn't show up until really late...SUCKS!!!
by the way, i was in the huricane katrina benefit fashion show at the kava lounge on friday night. modeling 2 pieces from the Isha B collection. very useful information, since it's in the past. oh well. i really like doing fashion shows. i'm not sure why. i think i like the nervousness and the fakeness. they tell you to smile if you want to. i don't like to smile. i like to "pretend" to be a model instead...like fake bitchiness or something. overly serious. it's more fun that way, more like acting and being in character. but then of course, the rest of the night when i'm no longer modeling clothes i'll smile.
