i honestly did not realize that promoting a club took THIS much work!!! i've been online like 24/7, i've been trying to hand flyers to people at clubs. i have been neglecting my friends, even the ones who are usually at bars. i have not brushed my hair for a week, and i am too busy to eat. (well, there isn't food anyways, so maybe that's a good thing.)
and STILL, i feel like i've gotten almost NOWHERE......
so yeah, you bored people are reading this right now, make yourself useful!!!
promote to everyone you can, internet-wise, target area: san diego.
find club listings and submit the event, promote to your myspace friends, your messageboard friends, anyone that dances or likes fashion!!
so, normally i write my song lyrics days, months, or even years before i ever hear the music
i don't think that's the normal way to write, but i like it better because it just works for me.
anyways, today at band practice, i wrote a song on the spot. here it is, see the difference? i kinda wish it was a little more detailed, but it actually works pretty well in song form.
stripped down love story (AKA: but you were cold) (approximate lyrics)
you saw me standing there i, i watched you stare
i, i saw you stare
you wanted i wanted
you wanted i wanted
but you were cold you were cold i was cold you were cold i was cold
you were i was you were i was you were i was
cold cold
cold cold cold
we were cold
i wait i've waited i waited so long for this moment
you waited i waited
you waited i waited
for this moment for so long
but you were cold you were cold i was cold you were cold i was cold
you were i was you were i was you were i was
cold cold
cold cold cold
we were cold
cold cold cold
you saw me standing there i watched you stare i saw you stare you wanted i wanted i waited you waited oh i waited for this moment for so long but you were cold you were cold i was cold we were cold you were cold it was cold so cold
trying to get through to you i call, i cry, i scream, i bleed still you don't hear a thing you stare straight ahead walking toward the place you'd like to be
chasing after you for just a moment of your time a place in your thoughts the closer i get, the farther you seem i realize this was never meant to be
but i'm still following you tearing at your skin, wanting more of something i never liked at all can't seem to break my obsession with wanting you to want me more.
you know, it never feels like i can write anything here anymore because EVERYONE is either reading this, or at least has access to it. now, i'd guess that most of my "friends" are too conecerned with themselves and their own little social lives to actually bother to come read this, so i SHOULD be safe to write anything i want, without the fear of anyone reading. BUT, i know human nature, and i know that at some point, ONE of them is going to get bored and stumble upon this and that person will tell all the others...
but you know what? i no longer care. if the people i hang out with are so lame that anything i write would make them feel differently about me, then they suck anyway and who needs them!
so yeah.
lately i've been happy with the friends i have because they are all completely mindless friendships. we all show up to the same places, hang out and dance. and that's pretty much it. sometimes we'll complain about boys or something completely unimportant. we'll talk about our other friends and things in the present. they are really effortless friendships. nothing is ever deep or real, even the jokes don't seem real. we laugh, but it's fake laughter. not the kind where you are rolling on the floor laughing to death. i guess maybe everyone is a little too insecure to be completely real, maybe that's it... who knows.
but whatever it is, i've decided that i want more than this. even if i really don't have time for more than this, i still want it. i realized there are people out there that are actually capable of feeling, and of deep conversations that go beyond talking about their hair and what they are doing for the weekend. maybe it's hanging out with these passionless people that has made me so numb to even my own feelings. maybe i turned off my feelings because they are the type of people who wouldn't understand these kinds feelings. who knows.
some of these people really are just not worth my time. i recently realized that they aren't even open-minded. i wore something the other day that all the old electroclash kids would have least understood, if not appreciated, and these people just did not and could not get it, nor take it seriously. they didn't even accept it. i only got away with it because they knew me, but even then, they kept laughing. i need to be around people who take things at least a little more seriously. being around these people is making me take things less seriously, which i thought was good, but now realize is bad.
i need people that are accepting of ME. whatever i think, whatever i say, however i am...even when how i am changes daily....
i have good people like this in my life...i just need to make sure to spend my time on them and not the others...i don't want to try to "fit in" with other people, i want to just be myself and have that be okay.
reality-focused entertainment; a peak inside the life of another as much as they suck, i've noticed that people really have a thing for reality tv shows. but you know, it does make a lot of sense. our society is too smart to buy into written shows like we used to have. think how ridiculous/fake shows like full house and family matters were. so unrealistic.
now everyone wants to see things that are real. why? because they are curious: what are other people like behind closed doors? now of course, maybe reality shows are a little fake, but, it's as close as you are going to get to real without actually spying on someone.
blogs are another thing that people are really interested in lately; a new form of "entertainment." for the first time in all of history, you can read other people's diaries. not just one published person's travel diary or memoirs, but actual real, near-uncensored current thoughts; a look into the heads of other people. real people. real and honest thoughts, stories, secrets. it's fascinating. never before in history have people been so open and honest with their thoughts and their lives. such is the beauty of anonymity. people write the truth, anything and everything, down to the last detail, when their name isn't connected to it. perfect reading material for today's open-minded humans.
people are extremely interested in peeking into other's lives because people's private lives have been a mystery for so long. at last, we can finally see what *other* people are like; how other people conduct their lives. you can compare yourself to them...are you normal? do you have thoughts in common? we can learn that nearly all humans share the same fears, just some are good at hiding them and some aren't. we can learn that the most happy-seeming people are miserable and that most confident-seeming people are actually insecure.
but yeah, i think being able to look into other people's lives is truly fascinating. it's like the truth of every myth that we have ever believed in about others is finally coming out....
the myth of "the adult" you know how unicorns and mermaids don't exist? and you know that they don't exist because your parents informed you of this? well there's one mythical creature that they forgot to tell you about: the adult. what i'm starting to realize lately is that there is no such thing.
"so when do we grow up anyway? when do we finally become adults?" i questioned a 27-year old girl i was working with. she looked nearly the same age as me, she thought nearly the same way as me. just like all my other friends that are older. she told me that she had been wondering the same thing and had asked her mom. she said that her mom had told her that she still felt young, that you feel young all your life.
so basically, your body gets older, but your mind stays the same age. younger people start to look at you like you're old, but you still feel their age. which is a terrible curse in a way. what happens when you get too old and weathered to wear all the things you love?
anyway, so we all grow up thinking that some day we will turn into adults. but it's all a lie. being an adult feels no different than being young. a lot of adults aren't even that responsible either. i was more responsible when i was a child than i am now, and more responsible when i was 12 than most of the "adults" i know are now.
so yeah, this is what we wish someone would have told us when we were younger: you never really grow up, you never become an adult; you only *look* older.
so now the next question: were there EVER adults? did the exist at one time? is it only our generation that doesn't produce adults, or has it been like this throughout time? were the adults in the 50's really adults? or did they only dress the part better? did the fact that so many of them were married with kids make them into adults?
today's version of adult is this: i am an adult. look at me. haha. my friend pixie is an adult. she's 21 and she's already divorced and has a kid. she goes out and drinks and dances with the rest of us all the time. she still thinks she's a "kid" like the rest of us. i think it might be better if she stayed home 24/7 and took care of her daughter, but i guess some people don't want to give up their own lives to better someone else's life... other "adult" friends of mine are 29 year old boys. they live with their parents. then there's a 37 year old boy that everyone knows. he doesn't even have a car and relies on friends for rides. he's been car-less the two years i've known him, and it doesn't seem like he's even attempting to save for a car. we all hang out in bars and clubs and have after-parties until 4, 5 or 6 in the morning. it feels like we are teenagers. no one seems like an adult.
the other day our friend was dropping us off at our cars at 4am, there were like 7 of us to fit in one small truck, so most of us got in the truck bed...we were only going a couple blocks. but instead of going directly to our cars, our friend did like a million donuts instead and then went and found the steepest hill and took us down it, like a roller-coaster. it was really really fun. but that doesn't seem like we are adults, does it? the very same night, we all showed up for an after-party, only we had been told the wrong location, so we were all just standing there in the middle of the street, about 20 of us, standing around like teenagers with no where to go. then we see some guy and this 40 year old girl friend of a friend, who i think know one knows but me, sitting on top of a couch that is on top of a van!!!!!! so our 37 year old friend darts over to the van and climbs up. i follow, dressed in the most ridiculous costume, from the improv/modern dance performance i had had earlier that night: a poofy red skirt, white face paint, and so on. then about 10 other people follow. there we all were, "adults," sitting on top of a couch that is on top of a van, belonging to someone no-one knows, at 2:30 am. and then everyone gets their cameras out and starts taking pictures of us.
did 37 year olds ever act like that in the 50's? did adults EVER exist? did the x and y generation just not breed any adults? what is going to happen to our society when everyone my age and slightly older start to take over ALL the jobs? will the world fall apart?
a present to impress you to remind you of time well wasted in a half-decent manner and of emotions you don't seem to quite grasp. but you don't notice don't care enough to ever ask as i'm pouring more of me out into you into nothing investing yet again in something i will never own in something i never wanted to keep yet i go on and on giving time giving everything away
i'm slowly going crazy.... so looking over posts month by month, i realized i REALLY am not writing very much. wow. i mean, i knew i was barely writing, but i thought i was writing way more than THAT. i guess it's because i have NO concept of time (anymore)...i can't tell when it's been a month, because it only feels like a week, and so on. so i think i'm posting 3 things a week when it's really 3 things a month!
i went to new york nearly 2 months ago. my suitcase is still on the floor, only halfway unpacked. that should tell you something.
where's waldo / veronica mars / oh look, i'm on tv. remember how hard it was to find waldo? well this is sort of like that:
tonight (wednesday), if you have the tv channel UPN, watch veronica mars. apparently it's a tv show. and i'm on it, for like, a second. look for me, like you would waldo. depending on how they edited it, i'm in at least two scenes. dressed like a goth/punk girl, kind of.
i was also on episode 6 and 7, if you wanna download those and look for me as well.
i haven't seen any of them, but my old webhost sent me a screen-shot from one, he found me in my bright grass green shirt....i'm behind veronica mars as she's walking at some point. that's episode 6. in episode 7, i cross in front of her by some lunch tables.
also, speaking of being on TV, i guess the little short film i was in was on PBS the other day. it's called Sleep by Omar De Leon. it's like 10 minutes long or so, and i guess it was shown with some of his other films? i'm in the opening scene. i don't say anything, but i could have if i wanted to...what crazy actor refuses to speak when they get a chance? what an idiot. oh well. did anyone happen to catch that? or record it on accident somehow? come on, you know you watch PBS, 24/7. haha
there are a lot of things in life that i don't do because i feel like they've already been done. even if they've only been done by like 2 people, (especially in regards to fashion). i think i need to stop doing that and realize that it's not possible for anything to be original in this world and that if only two people are doing something, that's at least better than 8 million and that maybe i shouldn't completely avoid it...
oh yay. oh how i love the fact that all the bills come pretty much at once, right when the only money available is money that must be saved for rent. $135 hospital bill. $110 cell phone(s) bill, electricity bill, credit card bill, chris's parking tickets, etc.
all life is about is paying bills. that's it. that's the meaning of life, i've figured it out. haha
life would be so much easier if we didn't have to worry about bills. i don't understand why someone doesn't come up with some kind of communist like economic system ...so that everything works the same way as now, but we won't ever have to worry or stress about bills!
it could go like this: you have a job, any job, and you get: free house, free doctor, free food, free phone, free internet, and then limited clothes, movie tickets, etc... no cash.
if you wanted more stuff than that, you could get a 'better' job, which would give you more 'store credit' ....which would be perfect for our society which seems to be motivated by greed and the desire for 'things' ...
something like that seems like it would work. it would be the same as now except for that we would get to skip the whole worrying about bills/being able to stay alive part.
the secrets. the deception. i always write my secrets on my face, but they still remain unspoken.
well, they are always spoken to someone, in casual conversation, and not really kept secret at all....
oh but they are.
other than that someone, those many someones, i tell no one else. and because i've told someone, they are no longer secrets and so i can forget all about them, as if i have no secrets at all.
oh the stories i could tell, but i don't.
maybe someday i will write a book and publish it under a false name. a pen name. maybe the book will be called "the rest of the story" ...
i walked to your house on a cold lonely night 100 miles, to escape the pain naked and bruised, i arrived the girl on your doorstep with my blackened heart in my hand broken and bleeding for you to fix, like our promise i threw myself into you but had no soul left to give the emptiness poured out of me instead like flames like water like absolutely nothing.
made love for hours without a drop of love at all the emptiness consumed my heart and starting eating at my head a twisting feeling in my stomach something like loneliness though not alone and it was cold, so very cold lust without love making love without lust a bit too dead, a bit too rushed i was broken still the night swallowed us up and you became invisible.
so i was once told, that if i wanted to be truly professional, i'd have to get rid of this journal. the ranting and raving, the depression, not so good for business, right?
or is it the opposite? how many times has the ranting been a good thing?
i guess the question is, what is the business? what is it that i'm selling, and to who?
i always wonder, is it a bad idea to put "maystardesigns . com" on a job application. is it hurtful or helpful? what about now - that i'm stating my own club night? when talking to strange venue owners - will the website help or hurt? can i pull off the whole eccentric artistic thing? or do i need something more professional? maybe a fake website to give out to people in the professional world? something neat and clean, something that lacks any depth....
or can i get away with all that is me and this site in professional aspects of life?
write more? i guess that i have kind of stopped writing, because when i moved, i lost the internet that was paid for by my aunt for school. now if i want to be on the internet, i have to be near the fire escape, which is cold. my city actually does have FREE wireless internet if you live in the exact right spots, like on the fire escape with the bugs. yep, the bugs, they get free internet, and my apartment does not. (ok, so, maybe there aren't really any bugs...but still.) anyway, the combination of the laptop computer and the lack of internet INSIDE my apartment, really makes it hard to think, hard to write. plus i've also been going out a lot more lately. i have lots of friends. well, at least people to dance with. i don't know how many of them deserve the title of "friend."
there are so many things i want to do, so many things i need to do, yet nothing seems to get done, ever. i need to fix my pc, i need to print out my poems, i need to download my website so that i can re-design it or AT LEAST update the outdated content. i need to write over 2000 emails back to people. the good news is, if i can't get the files off my pc, that's 1000 less emails i'll be able to return. besides, i've owed those emails for so long that i think by the time i would have written back, over half of them would have bounced because people abandom email addresses so frequently.
all i want is to just get everything done. i want there to stop being things i need to do hanging over my head. but for some reason, it's impossible. all i ever seem to do is clean the house. over and over and over and over again. and the worst thing is, it won't get clean! chris messess it up, right away. i don't understand why he needs to leave dirty dishes and clothes and trash on the floor! watch "Shop Girl" ... the younger guy in that movie, that is what chris has become, ALMOST. i really can't stand it. and there are all sorts of money problems to stress me out. and so on. why can't he just GROW up?! he's 23 now. we've been having these same "chris" problems for like 5 years now!! i've had enough already! he was supposed to mail the electricy bill yesterday. it was already late. 14 hours later, i got in the car, and there on the seat was our lovely little friend the electricity bill, sitting there, looking at me. thanks chris. thanks for mailing the bill dude. i could have walked down the street to the mailbox myself and mailed it. did he really have to say he was going to mail it and then NOT? i'm still wondering if the rent ever got mailed. he SAID it did. but it's like the 8th, and the check has not been cashed yet. i know this because if it was cashed, i would have an entire 4 dollars and 51 cents in my account, but instead i've got $954.51.
food is always the last priority when it comes to money issues. bills are first, then gas. if there happens to be anything left over, then we get to eat. i have not eaten anything decent in months. this is probably another reason nothing ever gets done, it's impossible to get anything done when starving. the only time i ever get to eat is when a friend feeds me. GET A JOB! you say. well, #1) chris is supposed to be working for the both of us, and he owes me $17,000+ so i really don't see why i should have to work this year. #2) how can one even begin to write a resume when too hungry to think? but yeah. i turned in a couple applications. but i never got around to "check the status" of them. i really need to find a career though, not just a job. i'm getting to the point where i don't care what i do, i just want something that pays a lot, solely so that i can have money to buy tons and tons off food. car, clothes, house, totally unimportant. i only crave food. haha
it's fun, for the first time in my life, i am in debt. i owe $1,300 or so on credit card (new york + cell phone bills + SOME food + gas + i bought chris clothes cuz his had holes)...then i owe jason $100, which he will not shut up about, even though he wastes nearly that much in a night or two of going out. then i owe my aunt something over $1000, for the car registration, etc. and then lovely chris owes his bank $300+ and his boss $100 or so, and then $300 for year 2003 taxes, and then he still needs to pay his overdue registration plus overdue parking tickets and their fees which add up to god knows how much.
so yeah. it's very stressing. as usual. maybe soon i will get my resume done. but even after that, then i need to figure out what job to apply for. that's really the hardest part. i don't even know where to start. what do i want to do?
i'm going to be starting up my own club (night) soon. if people come, that could make me some money. but after paying my DJs and things, i don't see it leaving me with much. and there all these things i want to do with my club that i can't even do because i don't have money to start with. so it's not even going to be close to the perfect club that it could be, which makes me lose interest in it, so i'll probably only end up doing like one night. who knows. i have so many cool ideas, but i will never be able to do any of them because i don't have money. and most of my ideas are for making cool places and things and not really about making money. bad investments. well, good ones, just more like i'm only interested in creating the places and not in the making money part. yes i want money. but i always feel bad when people have to pay for anything. i wish their was just someone who would give me money so that i could go around creating businesses and things. they could even have the businesses, i don't even want them, i just want to make them. is there a job like that?
i went to band practice last night for 8 hours. i even missed last night's plans to stay and work on music. it was making me happy, so i stayed. the thought of leaving band practice to go dance at the same old boring place and on a monday when i didn't even feel like just sounded like absolute torture. a lot of the times, i feel required to go out. to go support my friends. go see them DJ, go help make people dance. go see my friends' bands; help make people dance. and so on. i rarely go out because it's "fun" ... it always more of an obligation. going to see friends, going to be supportive. i help to promote a lot of things, and i feel bad if i don't show up after i told everyone "this is the place to be!" .... i don't even get paid to promote, i should! i should get paid to go out as well. either that, or i should just stop, because i'm really starting to hate it. sometimes i just go out because i feel like if i don't, everyone will have fun without me and slowly forget about me. the sad thing is, that *will* happen. so then i should be thinking, well then, do those friends matter anyway? does any of this really matter anyway? no. no it doesn't. i guess i just need to start focusing on myself more then. i need to only do things that *i* want to do. forget trying to be a good friend, a supportive friend, because really it's too much work. this friendship thing. and even with as much as i do see friends and things, i still swear that i'm still not involved as everyone else. somehow they all find time to call each other and hang out, outside of bars, and leave each other more myspace comments than i ever leave for anyone, no matter how hard i try..... so maybe that's just not me. maybe i'm not meant to be social. maybe i'm just meant to do something with my life instead (aka Music?) even if it means not really having friends. who knows. i still can't figure out life. sometimes i'll just be standing and i'll start crying and thinking "why am i alive? why is anyone alive? why try?" ..... and it goes in a circle, again and again and again. causing me to stay stuck and unproductive. maybe i worry about things too much, maybe i shouldn't think about things. maybe i should just DO things instead, even if i don't know the point....but really, it's not that easy or simple.
Patrice said to me: Money = Freedom. Oh yes it does. Maybe my goal should just be to make money, but then again, I can't do that. I need something more creative than that. Who knows. Wait, what is the point of this world and this life again? Circles, circles, going in circles. Does anyone want to hire me? For anything?
Maybe the purpose to life is solely to eat. That makes more sense than anything else I haven't been able to come up with.
Sometimes I wish that I was really dumb so that I didn't have to think so much. Thinking does not lead to happiness, that's for sure.
Have you heard of the radio station KROQ? well that band i was telling you about... their song made it to KROQ! it's up to you to make them famous! CALL KROQ 800.520.1067 and request "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge. I don't care if you don't get KROQ, or listen to the radio, or know who the band is! JUST DO IT! and keep requesting it!
you think you'll catch me with your clever words oh you tell them all to me the lines you've used on other girls you think you've already got me but i'm still so alone in this world
repeat the words to me i swear your voice is set to repeat as you tell the ways you like me so cold, i can barely believe i can tell that you don't really see me pray it changes by the next time we meet.
thanks so much to everyone who has been supportive of me over the last few years :) i REALLY appreciate it.
i'm sorry i've been so bad at staying in contact with everyone and everything lately. maybe one day i will stop being such a mess and get everything back together one day, someday. i used to have it all together. i don't know what happened. i really have fallen apart over the last two years.
my decline, my quest to become human. i've got it all backwards. most people start off bad and fix their lives and themselves. they grow up and become responsible, stop making mistakes, fix their bad qualities. ME? i'm backwards! i was fine. i had it all together. i started off my life being over-responsible, and never wanting to make mistakes, trying to be perfect. i did my homework on time, EARLY. and all that. if you wrote me a letter, i'd write back that same day. same with email. same with everything. make lists, get things done. ETC, ETC. but now? oh goodness. i am behind in everything, behind in life! and once you get behind, you get stuck, and do nothing, procrastinate. something i learned in college i guess. this procrastination thing. this flakey thing. this being late thing. all NEW to me. my rules were NEVER break plans, even when DYING! my rules were be 5 minutes EARLY. what have i let happened to me? i wanted to be human, wanted to make MISTAKES for once. wanted to indulge in my mistakes, in being human.... but was it a bad choice? who CHOOSES to fall apart? am i crazy? it feels good not to be so stressed out, and yet without stressing myself out, i get nothing done. and i fall further behind.
i don't know. i have so many ideas, i need to DO things. i need to fix myself. i need to get out of this. soon. maybe soon. i need to learn how to accept that however pointless it is, i DO have to live in this world. however stupid and pointless and meaningless my dreams are. i still need to try to follow them, if only just because there is nothing else to do. oh how everything is a waste of time...
