New Song! well, new to YOU, that is. it's been sitting on my computer for 6 months. i was meaning to record it again and again until it was as perfect as a rough draft recording can be, but i have changed my mind.
i am like a dam filled with tears, constantly on the verge of breaking, but strong enough to hold them in... ...most of the time.
why is there never anyone to help the people that need help? why is there never anything i can do?
mother has nowhere to live because her social security is only $600 a month, and she has an eviction on her record, so can't even get a place.... and she can't have a roomate because no one can deal with her. and she's too sick and old to try to work, and she always just gets fired (or something?) anyway....
so now she's back living with her abusive boyfriend again. in his trailer. a real trailer. a silver one. and he only pays like $200 a month for rent, but he's such a jerk that he's charging my mom $600 to live there. but all she can do is pay because she has nowhere else to go. and she can't live with me because we already tried that and she got my kicked out of my apartments + drove me completely insane....
and he still hits her and rips up all her stuff, i'm sure. sometimes he locks her out in the cold, with wet hair.
why is there no one to help the people who need help?
why can't her dad just help her find a place to live?
how can someone say that their daughter is crazy (really) AND abandon them?
you can abandon a sane person, that's fine, but you can't lable someone sick and then not help them. i don't see why they can't buy her a house or something. do they really need their guest house? why can't someone on this earth with an extra house just give her one? why are people so greedy that they have to have more than one house when other people don't have a house at all? why does everyone only care about collecting things for themselves and never to help others?
i cannot wait until the day i get to die and escape this terrible world.
i got the link/file to work only once, so if you have problems with it, let me know, but there's nothing i can really do about it since it's not hosted on my site....
quotes i like, from Audition, (because of concept and not wording):
"No, a girl with that much talent wouldn't marry you: they aren't the marrying type."
"They are not happy; happy people can't act well."
"Please love me. Only me." ("I understand.") "Everybody says so, but I hope you are different from the others. Only me. Okay? Only me. Please love me. Only me."
A command: "You only love me. Only me."
"You love your son, too? You're a liar. You love only me, right?
I've only got you. But you have many others. I don't want to be one of them. Even if I give you all of me...you won't be mine completely. Everybody is the same. Everybody, everybody."
"That was little mistake: You made love to me....only once. I expected something from you. Was i stupid?"
Please love only me. Only me. The uncut version of Ôdishon is SO good. I don't really know how it is different from the original, but yeah.... watch it. It's the best movie ever.
mysterious is only nice in theory mysterious people...i like them in movies, i like them in poetry, i like them when i don't really want to know them...it's kind of fun to try to figure them out... but that only lasts so long and then i just get annoyed and disinterested by lack of information, lack of comminication. lack of connection.
i need connection. intense connecton. i crave it. something beyond what most people give.
sometimes i want to pretend to be mysterious. i don't pretend enough. i'm an actress. i should pretend. i'm too real, too honest, too open. always. i should make a character for myself, for fun. the only problem is that i don't want to be deceptive. don't know how to be deceptive, or at least not any better than pretending to know who someone is talking about when they discuss famous people and other such things that i have no interest in learning about.
I'm only 22. I always forget that. Everytime I see it on my myspace profile, it almost suprises me. Something about seeing the number in written form makes it reality. And I look at the number and think "wow, i'm so young" ...and I look at myself from a different point of view and call myself only a child. but something's wrong. I never feel 22. I feel tired. I feel old. I feel depressed. I feel worn out. I feel so so old. People I know always mistake me for older as well. One boy thought I was 28. Another girl was shocked to find out I wasn't at least 24.
I wish I could just sleep for a year.
I wish I didn't always feel like I'm struggling to catch up with everyone else.
I wish I didn't feel a different contridicting way every other day.
The other day I felt on top of the world, for once. Now I feel at the bottom. It slips away, but I'm starting to feel like I'm actually a person, like I can actually be something real. Before I never felt good enough, but now I'm starting to see that no one is...I am just as good as anyone else. Other people just hide their mistakes and insecurities better.
p.s. i don't know when, but new design for this site, coming soon. i've already spent like 40 hours on it, it will be probably at least 60 more before it's completely done. because hopefully there's going to be new content as well, or at least re-written.
i really like people who are open and real ones who are not just really annoy me.... say what you think, say what's true, don't play games, don't be too insecure to be natural...
in other news... tonight i go-go danced at airport lounge, the most beautiful bar ever. last weekend i was in a music video for "The Brick Pattern" ... and now i'm working on a film called "Glasses" and next month i might be working on another Arianna Pilram film....
la musique i'm still so excited about my new band. i really love it SO much. it's the only thing that makes me happy. i make my poor other band member suffer and practice like 8 hours at a time. hehehe
we were thinking about having other people in our band, but i think that i have fallen quite in love with the drum machine and the simplicty of the songs that are just vocals and guitar. when you add too much to a song, it takes away from the emotion.
MAYBE we will add a bass player or another guitarist. MAYBE. in order to find a place for Sarah in my band.
we will be recording an EP as soon as we can play our songs without messing up. and i guess we are going to keep the name "maystar" for the band for consistancy reasons. that way when you guys are looking through the paper in like VA or somewhere and you see that "MAYSTAR" is playing, you will be able to come! instead of changing the name to something cool that no one would ever remember to recognize....haha
i bought fabric today to start making costumes. someone please keep me away from the thread, i want help with this, no more sewing things all by myself!
i can't wait to play shows! i hope it will be soon!
what's also really cool about THIS band, is that Abe is the smartest and most responsible/dedicated person i've ever worked with, so we actually get a lot of stuff done, and practice WAY more than with any of the other people i've tried to make music with. on top of that, he's always got tons of really good ideas, AND the best part is that i feel 100% comfortable singing badly in front of him, which you have to do sometimes when coming up with new songs. i don't even wear makeup to band practice! that is definately a first! i'm usually SUPER insecure about who i sing in front of, especially when it's not perfect, but not with him. we work so well together...we are going to be the best band EVER!
Regret there are so many things i regret doing over the last 4, maybe 7 years. they helped me grow up and they inspire me, but at the same time, maybe i wish i would have done things differently all along.
oh but pain and misery produce the most beautiful music.
i suppose everything works out the way it was supposed to in the end. if i hadn't have been taken away from my mom when i was little, and had to suffer so much, i wouldn't be where i am today. (but where would i be???)
but with the regret thing, i suppose that if i want to stop regretting things, i need to at some point stop doing things i will later regret. the question is, WHEN is that point? i always say "oh just a little later" ...but i do realize that later never comes in this case. it's either now or never, and yet i still chose "later" ....
when will i ever learn? how can i be so aware of making mistakes and yet still chose "later" ?
and the "later" is always so specific too. "oh, just after this" ...but the "later" always seems to get extended somehow.
(oh yeah, and P.S... to a friend: NO I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU OR ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!!)
my opening club night went really well! packed and a line out the door!
the only problem is that even with all that, it still doesn't make any money. i guess i needed a bigger venue. it's hopeless, it is my destiny to forever be poor and in debt!
December 10th prize: $375 One of a kind Bjork painting by pop artist, Jamie Roxx, the so-called "Quentin Tarantino of the art world." (Robert Maxwell-- Detroit News)
yay! my club got on the radio! I was supposed to have a phone interview with 91x today, but they screwed up with scheduling or so, and just ended up talking about my club night themselves for about 5 minutes. Which is GREAT, because I didn't want to have to talk on the radio...I was so happy that they did it for me instead! But I guess when they were talking about my club on the air they said that I was going to be on in a few minutes to talk, which was a lie. Maybe no one filled them in. Who knows.
They said they'd re-scheduled my interview for next month. Which is great as well, because that just means my club gets to be on the radio TWICE!
Oh yeah, and here's the paper version of the CityBeat Article: (thanks SO MUCH to jason for scanning it!)
so, if you want a copy of my live CD, l'emotion crue paypal me $10.99 and write me an email with your shipping address saying that you put money in paypal and that you want a CD, etc (just to make sure everything goes right)...
or if you want to send cash instead, let me know...
xo
p.s. DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO READ JAPANESE? PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU DO, ASAP!
I realize it's silly to worry about someone you've never met or even written to... and i guess it's too LATE to worry as well, but i was going though a couple of my old emails *gasp* tonight and i clicked on someone's blog link and this was her last entry:
"I write such bad, uninteresting entries. I'll try to work on that.
Meanwhile- There's another hurricane. Jeanne. I don't know, it's a category 3. You know the drill. No entries if the power is out.
Cheers."
Last Entry Ever.
It makes me worry! Is she okay? Is she alive????? Is it even stupider for me to worry because that entry was written over a year ago? It's far too late to worry, she's either dead or alive, but either way, that was too long ago for me to be in a state of "worry" ....but I still emailed her to make sure she was ok....hopefully she is? I've never even written to her before.... You all know I'm terrible at writing back these days. It's just that I'm so far behind in emails that I don't even know where to start. And time slipped away from me, and over a year passed by and I didn't even realize it!
Today, on the other hand, has dragged on and on and has been the longest day nearly all year. AND I LOVE IT. The day drags slowly by me, and for once I can actually touch time, live in the moment, get things done. It's slow and it feels like an eternity and it's awful, but it's such a nice change from all my other days. All my other days feel only an hour long. They rush by so fast that sometimes I barely even get a chance to breathe. And at the end of those days I look back and I wonder how I got so little done; when and where all my time went when none of it was wasted on relaxing. Relaxing is something completely foreign to me, but I might like to try it some time, If only I could find the time for it. Time. Worth more than anything. And I spend all of it in the wrong places.
Jamie Roxx painted me, and didn't know it... until our friend pointed it out to him (that it was me he painted) when it was shipped out/sold recently. it's the strangest thing ever that none of us realized it until now. I guess someone named Jerry commissioned it and then disappeared without paying, so after waiting a few months, they sold it to someone in Chicago, who probably has no idea who i am. haha
the original picture of me is here: click click (you need to be logged into myspace for it to work.) I think Jerry should have chosen a different picture of me to have painted. I wonder who Jerry is???
airports one thing i really like, for some reason, is traveling alone. i like wandering around strange airports in towns i've never been to before, alone. i like being on planes by myself and having time to think. it's kind of fun to take the train alone as well, as long as you are only on it for a few hours.
the last time i was on the train alone was going up to LA. the train was kind of empty and the nice people let me sit in first class (the "bussiness car"). i bought wine and drank it slowly and pretended to be a real adult.
