how do you write a book where all the heroes are villains?
How can you write a completely honest book without incriminating the people you love?
There is no good and evil, no black and white.
How can I paint the best people I know as good when their flaws will immediately make them look worse than murderers?
The monsters snatch the girl from her loving mother, and when the girl returns to her mother at last, she finds her mother has become an even worse monster, and reality is destroyed.
The hero saves the girl, then murders her, then saves her again.
How can I ever write my book in the right words?
7 years, it remains unwritten.
Do I protect the hero-villains? Do I paint them as heroes only?
Or do I tell the whole truth and lose every secret?
Destroy my life and the lives of others......... is the truth worth it?
so many things i cannot say publicly. so many secrets.
things only a few know.
secrets from myself.
i liked it better when i knew almost no one and could say whatever i wanted and the strangers were my friends.
things are going in circles, but getting worse, my own problems are not so bad, i deal with them as they come up, although my entire existence built on a broken foundation, but i bypass that part...
it's my mom's life that is the problem.
every single thing that could ever be wrong is. it's all the bad things all over again .... back at square one for her... another 7 years.
i don't know who is reading, i don't know who is judging, i don't want to write the details but i do.
i don't know what i want.
another person.
she said that people understanding me is what makes me happy... maybe she is right. maybe that is it.
because sometimes i write and it's not because i want people to feel sorry for me, i hate that, and it's not because i want a conversation, because i don't....
i just want to be heard, and understood, and that is all.
Being paid $1,500 to attend a fashion show in Atlanta in 2 weeks, so that's exciting.
Auditioning for a film in LA on wednesday.
Recording the rest of my album on tuesday, thursday, and a few other days.
Sounds like life would be amazing, but my mom is getting evicted with no place to go, and there is SO MUCH drama that goes along with that, it's unbearably stressful.
a gap goes by as i spend over 2 years of my life working myself to death.
creating and running "www.clubfashionwhore.com" a fashion show, and club night, not just a website, and i tend to my band "maystar" a little, but not enough ... and i make another "fashion show club" club pop noir ......
i don't write in efforts to be professional.
i feel like i am killing part of my soul.
i work up to 100 hours a week
every week
producing a fashion show every two weeks. sometimes 3 a month. sometimes 4 events a month.
my social life becomes almost non-existent, yet i have the image of a party girl. such a curious thing. people take my shyness and style and mix them together and think "oh she thinks she's so much better than us! the bitch!" but i am still the same person i always was. luckily at least the people who i am close to know who i REALLY am.
life goes by so fast and i am NOT really living. i am working. i am existing like a carpet for other people to dance on.
only a business man could understand. oz behind the curtain pulling the strings. all alone and slightly miserable while everyone else is free to roam.
[dressed "glamorously" for 16 hours a month, working in pajamas on the computer the rest of the month. no one will EVER understand just how much work goes into running a club night or a fashion show, ESPECIALLY starting from scratch.]
i am miserable mostly, but not miserable enough to write anything good [poems].
sure, i write some songs, but i am not happy with the depth of them, and then still other songs, which are too deep, but the lyrics still too shallow for my liking. complex concepts encoded in simplicity.
2 years of my life just wasted, going in the wrong direction.
"oh all the attention!" they say.
yes, and away from MY dreams.
do i still have any dreams?
what are they?
pictures of me from 5, 6 years ago, haunt the internet ....
broken website still here, barely functioning.
i look at all this that i created and then left, and think:
where has all that time gone? what have i done? i have wasted all my youth. i was 19 when i started blogging - where did my life go?!
even when blogging, i was wasting my youth. sitting here, dreaming, behind a screen. i was never alive.
well, not to the extent that i want to be.
now i am lost and i don't know what direction to go in. time is running out. they say i still look 19, but i am 25 now. 25. that sounds so old. i just woke up one day and realized my age.
they say i've done so much with my life, but i feel like it was nothing at all. accomplishments, success. but the wrong dreams. i was running from my dreams, or trying to accomplish them by doing everything backwards.
like a light flashing morris code, i signaled and caught everyone's attention, but it was the wrong code all along.
so with that i say:
hello. i am still alive, but i'm quite sure that no one reads anymore. being gone so long, my hits have dropped from 8,000 people a week down to something i can't even bare to look at.
"write or lose your audience," she said. well it was true.
and i remember thinking that back when i used to write as well. feverishly writing and writing so that when i did have SOMETHING, i would have an audience.
but what was the point of an audience when it wasn't really making any money THEN? what is the point of "fame" if you are barely scraping by?
so i left you, loyal then, but now mostly gone audience.
i left and i worked so hard that my fingers nearly bled, because working online causing carpal tunnel syndrome, while blogging somehow never caused a scratch, well aside from the sleepless nights that would ruin my complexion....
i gained "san diego" fame. which felt more real that the internet fame i had years ago. but in reality, it meant nothing at all. business opportunities to work with people who only wanted to use me in some way or another. i never really gained anything worthwhile from the whole thing. people say i did, but i don't feel like it. maybe when you are in a certain place, it just never feels as good as it looks from the outside.
this is why i had to stop writing. i could destroy myself in a sentence.
but maybe there is nothing left to destroy.
maybe there never was.
maybe all of life is an illusion and things will only ever be as good as you imagine them to be in your head.
and i wonder, what do i do with my life now?
at last i feel a certain degree of freedom from the internet. the club i run right now is finally running off all my 2 years of slave-like work. i'm not attached to a blog anymore, stress is mostly gone.
my band ties me to san diego, to some degree....
but really, in ways, right now i am free.
from college, from everything. i have proved myself to myself. and perhaps the world. now maybe i can focus on my dreams.
but what are they?
what i want shifts day to day ... becoming increasingly unrealistic.
as a child i wanted to be a singer, and actress, a something.... it wasn't about the money or the fame... i didn't even know why at times ... then i developed a love of acting....
but now, from watching movies themselves, i wonder, do i really want to spend my life playing someone else?
i want to be my own person. and for some reason that i can't explain, i want to be remembered. as much as i am anti-human existence, i have always had this in my blood. everything i do seems to tell me that that is what i want. i want to be heard. i don't know why...
in my daydreams, now, i want to be a character from a movie. but in real life. i want to make every moment of my day that includes other people like a scene out of a movie. i've always been this way to some extent, but now i want it even more. control the lighting, control the music, control the aesthetics, control the FEELING?
that is what i have always tried to do with my clubs, and when people come over for drinks....
i want to make magic. i want to live in magic. i don't want normal or average. i am sick of sweatshirts and reality.
we create our own realities, so why not do it *the best* way possible.
and since i already have an image that is nothing like myself at all, i wonder if i should just play into it? take marie antoinette and mix that character with 'factory girl' and 'holly golightly' and lux from the virgin suicides, and just make myself a walking, talking, breathing character...?
it sounds interesting. and on some days i already do that do some small degree.
maybe i just want to LIVE my life instead of slaving away for a career that seems to produce some kind of fame but makes me so tired that there's no hope in even living "that" way ...
and i never really wanted "fame" in the way that people want fame. i only wanted everyone to understand me. but it is too hard to get anyone to understand me, so it almost seems as though it would be interesting to make myself into a reckless party girl. and all the world is a stage....
days of nothingness replace the emptiness time is still thoughts run wild shifting, fleeting, repeating one day after the next the scars tear open bleeding black and sticky blood all over you.
Well, today is the day. Go look at the index page if you didn't come from there. Brand new site design! All new pages and everything! I still might write here though, don't worry... It's just that I've barely written anything in the past 6-months, so having the journal as the main focus of this website no longer makes sense......
I think when I was about 13 or 14, before the world was over-saturated with "sexy" myspace pictures and other such horrors, I think that I sometimes wanted to be "sexy" as well. But now, in this world full of overly tan blondes in cheap clothing, I want to be anything but "sexy" ....I hate the word "sexy" and I hate people who try to dress "sexy" ...I think people should dress how they want to dress because they like it, and not to be thought of in a certain way. Real sexiness would be a 1950's girl with classy hair, make-up and an evening gown. Today's version of "sexy" just looks stupid. Too much make-up, too much plastic surgery. Too fake. And yes, sometimes too much make-up and the "fake" look can be good, but only when done in an artful way, which is completely different from the sexy thing. Because the sexy thing looks cheap. The artful thing looks creative.
But yeah, so anytime someone calls me sexy, I always hate it. It's like an insult. Luckily it doesn't happen often though. Somehow my website only attracts respectful people. That's another thing I hate: when people try to flirt with me, either online or in person. Subtle flirting can be okay sometimes maybe, but whenever anyone says something that actually means something, I freak out. I feel like univited flirting is completely disrepectful. There was this one boy who said he wanted to dicuss music with me, so I actually gave him my rarely used screen-name. Now he asks me for pictures and he asked me if I like sex, and other such questions. I just get offline every time he says something like that. I think it's so rude for someone to say such things, out of nowhere. Just because it's the internet, doesn't mean you can say anything you want.
It's nothing new. It's not a "cry for help," I AM JUST PLAIN MISERABLE.
There is nothing in this life that could make me happy. I hate being alive. I hate life. There is nothing that could happen that would make me feel any different.
I hate that life has no meaning beyond itself. I hate that we suffer through life and we work so hard just to die in the end. What is the point of working so hard to get somewhere or to accomplish something when we will all someday just die? Is that why some people just don't work as hard, and go out a lot and have fun? But even then, what is the point of having fun and making memories when those too will fade away when you die?
And some people argue that it's to be remembered when they die, but what is the point when the whole world is so meaningless? Do your accomplishments really MEAN anything? Can something really mean something in a meaningless world? And if you're dead, why would you ever care if someone remembered you? You wouldn't even know.
I wish more than anything that I would have never existed.
There is absolutely no reason for the earth or universe, or for people to exist. It's completely a waste of everyone's time. The universe is completely unnessesary.
The purposeless-ness is what makes me miserable.
Day after day after day, and for what? Why? What are we doing here? Life is such a joke.
The days all start to seem the same and bits and pieces of dreams are accomplished, only to realize that they mean nothing as well, that they bring no happiness. That everything is just as before. That nothing will ever make anything better.
Click the shirt logo below to buy a MAYSTAR shirt! Only $16 + shipping & handling.
Shirts are quality made American Apparel, sweat-shop free! Color: Black with white logo Sizes: S / M / L - there should be a place on the paypal form to leave a comment, write your size there.
So...I don't count my shows in New York as shows at all. They were more like practice shows. And yes, the "cool" thing to do is to play at dive bars, but dive bars aren't really set up well enough for my shows. My shows are a bit more than just standing there playing music in brown clothes, like most indie bands. Playing in New York was somewhat of a nightmare. The PA system at our first show was SO awful that my voice sounded all muffled, to me AND the audience. The second show was a little bit better except for the fact that everyone who went to our first show didn't make it to the second one, with the exception of my friend JJ, who came to both shows and beamed about how HE got to see my first show and all the other San Diego people didn't. Jeff also came to my second show and actually liked it, which surprised me, only because I am always so worried about what other people think...I always think that everyone's going to hate me or what I do because it's not the same as everyone else...It's so frightening to do things differently from other people....people are so judgemental and harsh that just the thought of them makes me want to hide under a table.
So yeah, Beauty Bar was definitely the best venue for my San Diego debut...The stage was big enough, the lighting was cool, and most importantly: the sound system was soooo good. We set up this whole white screen, with the Maystar logo projected on to it, and we played our first song behind it, with a red light as back-lighting. Then we had also built this 6-foot long stage/box with the logo on it and cut out hearts with light behind them. On the last song, the lights were supposed to change color, but I'm not sure if that happened. Anyway, our show was semi-theatrical using the box/stage thing as an extra level. I was really happy with the way the whole thing turned out, I didn't mess up at all. But I do think I want to cut the last song...a 6 minute song feels like 86,000 years when you are playing it on stage!
The audience was really cool: pretty much NO ONE walked away from our show to go get a drink or to talk to their friends, or anything. I've been to so many shows where people walk in and out of the room, barely paying any attention to the band, or even worse, they just leave the band completely! Thank god, no one left us! That was really cool. Even though I know it's normal for people to walk away, I think I would have died if anyone had....It's so terribly scary to be on stage singing... It's the most stressing thing ever, especially during the silence between songs. It's like being in front of your whole school naked, but worse. And when people walk away, you feel as though the whole world hates you and that you're terrible, even if people are only walking away to get a drink, you don't know that when you're up there on stage! And I of course am way too sensitive and take everything personally....I wonder if other bands are the same? I think from now on maybe I will sit through band's entire shows, just to be nice, even if I don't care for the music. It's rude to leave, that's what I have decided.
And after shows, all you want to do is go home and get away! It takes so much out of you, emotionally, to be up there on stage like that. In fact, I woke up sick today and I completely blame the stress of the show for shutting down my immune system! I was nervous for weeks about the show! My kind of music is so vulnerable and so personal that's it's really hard to perform it with people watching. And I am so shy when it comes to being on stage or camera without LINES, because suddenly it's YOU up there and not a character. Anything you do or say is YOUR fault. If you look stupid, it's YOUR fault, and not the character's fault. And I am so deathly afraid of ever looking stupid to anyone.
I have no idea why, but I am the kind of person that wants everyone to accept me. They don't have to like me, but they just can't hate me or think badly of me. The only problem with this is that I won't do things a certain way to get people to like me. So I want to be myself and have no one hate me for it. Impossible, I'm sure, but I'm so insecure that It's hard for me to deal with someone not liking me. I'm a good person, why would someone not like me? That's the way I think...
So although my show went really well, I didn't feel like it went good. I instead felt alone and isolated. The room was completely full, but familiar faces were few. I always want fans instead of friends, people who actually like my MUSIC to come to my shows, or even strangers, but this time was different. I wanted ALL my friends to be there, and so many of them were not there. Trevor and Isha had to work, Linda didn't feel like going, Eric came LATE and missed it, Linda and Maritza came late and missed it too. Marcy couldn't find a ride. Joably's car broke down. Melissa had to work somewhere else. And then a lot of my other "bar friends" just didn't find that it fit their schedules to do something for someone else and be supportive. Bar people tend to be very self-centered and only go to places that they WANT to be at. Trying to get them to be a supportive FRIEND is hopeless. The friends that did come were super cool for coming, but other than Sarah and Jason, none of them were people that I am really emotionally close to, so instead of feeling loved and safe, like I wanted to feel, I only felt awkward and isolated. Cara gave me a rose, which was super sweet, but I needed the love of my close friends as well. And on this night, even Jason and Sarah felt a bit like strangers. I don't know what I was expecting, but I just felt so let down by the people who didn't come, especially the ones who said they were coming and then were so late that they missed it completely, I needed hugs from friends before the show, and there were few.
To make things worse, my lovely guitarist abandoned me at the show as well. He was supposed to take all our equipment back home and then come sell CDs with me, but he instead just called and said he wasn't coming back. He went to some lame bar and got drunk by himself instead. awesome. So with no emotional support to move the table of CDs and shirts to the front of the venue, I just packed up everything and went to eat pizza with Chris, then went home, changed clothes and came back to hang out and dance with my "friends" ... I really wanted to just stay home, but I tried to come back and make the best of our EP release "party." What a fucking joke. I don't know what the point of having someone else in band is, when I am left all by myself to sell CDs and left all by myself to book shows and to do any online promotion...The only difference between now and before is that I have someone to play shows with.
It's so hard to be a band these days, when everyone and their mother has a myspace band, and when everyone downloads music for free and almost no one wants to buy CDs....
I hate getting friend requests on myspace from random bands, and I bet everyone else does too.... so how on earth am I supposed to promote my band to strangers? How do you get strangers to listen to your music without the radio to force it on them? Maybe it's time to spend $400+ on mailing out CDs to random radio stations to be thrown in the trash if they don't like them... It's over $2 just to mail out a CD (Including envelope and postage cost), not to mention the cost of the CD itself. Being a band is the hardest, lowest paying job ever. Yay! I'm certainly good at working really hard at things that don't make money...
is something that i no longer have. it's been getting increasingly worse over the past few years and now it's at a point where it feels like it couldn't get any worse.
everything i write here, or anywhere, is over-analyzed by someone who really shouldn't be reading.
this journal was created for a handful of friends and then turned into something for strangers.
i like strangers.
i don't mind strangers. i feel safe with strangers. strangers become a safe sort of friend that doesn't judge...strangers are my favorite. i like to perform in front of strangers, i like to help strangers, i like to write for strangers...
but i hate when people i know and people who sortof know me read my journal. it creeps me out. because maybe they are judging, maybe they are gossiping, or the worst: maybe they think i'm writing about them when i'm not.
i'm so sick of people getting all hurt over something i've written because they think they are so special that it's about them when it's NOT.
i can't write poems, i can't write my feelings, i can't write anything at all without someone spying on me. and if someone isn't spying, then there's my lovely family who all come and read my website at random.
i feel like all my space has been invaded and there's no way to get it back...
Which sounds like a better popsicle flavor to you?
Orange seems boring. Tangerine seems like something more exciting that I would want to try. Funny how similar things with different names can seem so different.
Day after day, I do what I want to do. (Well, work-wise at least.) I have a long way to go before reaching my "goals" or actually making money, but I don't think that I will be happy when I get there either.
Going to New York, not happy. Seeing old friends, not happy. Playing shows, not happy. Nothing brings happiness.
I hate this. Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why doesn't anything in this world make me happy?
Maybe if I actually had time to have real fun I would be happy...maybe if I got to hang out with Chris, maybe if I got to go rollerskating, or climb trees, or go to the cliffs...Maybe I'm miserable because all I do and try to do is go to bars and clubs and work. Maybe I would be happy if I could go out to dinner...
It's funny how much of my life has been left out of my blog in the last two years. Boyfriend fights always seemed to have been published, but nothing else. Just thoughts, the only thing that ever seem to matter to me: thoughts and feelings. I left out the stories of the countless clubs and after-parties I've been too, because, well, they just weren't really that exciting. And as I writer of sorts, I could romanticize them, and make it sound like I have this fun exciting life, but I just can't lie. And don't want to. Why make your life sound better than it actually is? It already seems and looks better than it is. (Which leaves me wondering just how many other models and bands are as poor as me?)
Anyway, so here's a story from my first night in New York. On our way to Happy Ending (a club/bar), JJ decided that we should stop by a liquor store and buy some alcohol, which would be cheaper than drinking at the bar, which any good college student or alcoholic knows. So we get Sparks and the man at the counter puts them a paper bag and gives us straws. Being idiots, JJ and I decide to stand in the middle of the sidewalk to drink our sparks. So there we were, the most ridiculous thing you've ever seen: two people standing there, right in the open, drinking out of ONE paper bag, with two straws, kinda like sharing a milkshake, but not, and up pulls a taxi. It just kinda lurks in the middle of the street, and I get bad feeling about it. Out jumps a cop, who then gives us a ticket for drinking in public! Only $25, not so bad, and I was laughing almost the whole time, (trying to maybe somehow get out of the ticket), but it was still kinda scary to get a ticket! I've never gotten anything but a parking ticket before! And for someone who never drinks to get a ticket for drinking in public?! How random is that. Well, I drink sometimes, but I have a reputation for "not drinking" ... I've refused so many drinks and been sober so many times, that a lot of people always think that I NEVER drink. Anyway, so can you believe it? First night in New York and a TAXI pulls us over and tickets us! Since when do cops drive taxi's?! That's so not fair! haha. I spent the next two days waking up far too early trying to find the place to pay the ticket at.
ALL NEW site design and content! AT LAST!! It's not completely as polished and complete as I'd like it to be, but I've been working on this thing since at least DECEMBER and it was time to be DONE with it!
I completely re-wrote the bio page (yes, it's now more like a book) ...I still don't think it says what I want it to say...
What do you think of it?
Also, two new songs are up on my myspace music page! Tell me what you think!
Check out the new "Music" page with pictures of my band....
Etc, etc.... nearly everything is 100% NEW!
Let me know if you have any suggestions...Is there anything I'm missing? Anything I should add? Anything that's broken or mispelled? Etc, etc....
I'm soooooo tired. I've been soooo busy lately.... Making costumes/outfits to wear for my band's shows, photoshoots, working on album art, today I was a stylist for the citybeat fashion issue.... then there's my club/fashion show thing and finding designers/giving out flyers/myspacing/etc/etc.... and there are like 8 million other things as well.
there are more things than 1 person can do. i'm going to die soon. i'm SO tired.
p.s. my birthday is friday, i'm turning 23. did you see the flyers yet?
I'm so extra-sick of computers lately. I can't upload anything to my club's website, because it just won't let me. It works fine for the guy who owns the server, but won't let me log in.
Then we've got myspace which keeps logging me out every five seconds.
Then we've got this blog which won't publish anymore because the "disk space is full" and so I have to delete a huge file every time I want to write anything.
Then myspace takes FOREVER to load ANYTHING.
Then my computer keeps "thinking" / freezing.
And disks of pictures always have corrupted files.
AND they charge $20 ..... what losers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOW. I can't believe they are doing this, and I was going to do my club in LA too ..... grrrrrrrrrrrrr....... Some people had talked to me about doing it at Star Shoes, and a friend of mine offered to help me do it up there as well.... so it's not like it's just some LA club that doesn't matter.....
I'm so in shock. How could someone steal all my ideas AND steal my club's name??!?!?!
my club's REAL myspace profile is here: click website: www.clubfashionwhore.com
Our 6 song EP "Wake Up Now" should be for sale within the next few months.... The only way to hear the rest of the songs is to buy the EP or come to a show... : )
23...I'm almost 23...what am I going to do with my life?
The thought of having to work every day for the next 30+ years sounds like absolute torture.
What is the point?
Why can't I just die now? What on earth is the point of being alive? I just wish that I could disintegrate into nothing. No heaven, no hell, no life. I just want to cease to exist. Is that so much to ask?
What is the point of all this?
Being alive is so stupid. I hate it. There is nothing I could obtain in this life that would make it worth living...
i really hate when people buy me drinks because it makes me feel like i owe them something and that i need to buy them a drink back someday, but i don't believe in buying drinks at bars, not for other people or myself.
i think it's insane to spend $5-ish on ONE drink when you can buy a GIANT bottle of vanilla vodka for like $17 on sale, and make like a MILLION drinks!
i would much rather save my money for food, or at least a material object like a shirt which will last for eternity, as opposed to a drink that will only last a second AND ruin my health.....
my friend Lisa bought me drinks in NY in september when i was broke and i still feel guilty for her spending her money on me and i kept wanting to buy her something in return (akkkk.... maybe even drinks), but i am STILL broke, it sucks!!
i would almost just rather no one ever bought me anything so that i would never have to feel like i owed anyone anything.
i've always been good at showering boyfriends with gifts, but have never gotten the spending money on/making things for friends thing down well enough.
i keep wanting to do things for friends and then i think "eep! i have too many friends! where to i even start?!?!"
like if i want to make a friend a mix-CD ...then i need to make everyone a mix CD ... can i give the same CD to everyone or do they all have to be different?
I spend 7 hours making my pefect mix-CDs!! I can't imagine having to come up with 15 + different ones! I don't have that kind of time! but then it wouldn't feel right to give everyone the same CD.... or would it? i don't know.... that's why i've always only stuck to making CDs for the people i've dated. much less complicated.
So usually I LOVE going out all by myself to clubs and bars because I really like the feeling of "randomly" running into people i know. I've never ever shown up anywhere without people I know being there, so it's not like I'm really going alone.... I get to hang out with all my friends, but I still get the benefits of going somewhere completely alone.
I really like it this way, because it makes it so that I don't have to be "attached" to anyone when I'm out. It makes it so that I can go anywhere I want, and talk to whoever I want without ever feeling tied down to a certain group of people or friend.
If I wanted to see ONLY a certain friend of group of people, I would hang out with them elsewhere....somewhere free from the distraction of running into other people I know...
I always feel obligated to give my full attention to the people I go with to clubs and bars and I HATE that feeling. I like to be free to give my attention to whomever I choose and I like to be able to leave when I want to and to not have to leave early because someone else wants to and I want to be able to go to an after party if I want to, or not go if I want to, or not be stuck somewhere so long.....
Going places alone is so great for all those reasons.
But yesterday I was thinking it might actually be fun to go to a club *with* my friends like I was supposed to on Sunday....
But after last night I think I changed my mind again. I like my freedom too much. And yes, technically you don't have to stick with your friends the whole time if you go somewhere together, but I always feel bad/rude when I don't.
There have been times when I have taken friends with me places and ended up not paying enough attention to them and they felt neglected and didn't have any fun and it was awful...
There have been other times when I have taken people places and they were miserable the whole time and wanted to leave early (again, because I wasn't paying enough attention to them).
And there have been times when I've been stuck at after-parties for far too long and had to call a boyfriend or someone to pick me up...(because i don't ever want to ruin the night of who-ever i'm with by asking them if we can leave [earlier than they'd like]....)
So yeah, as much as I kinda want to go out to clubs with my friends, I really don't think it's a good idea. It only works with big groups of people I guess....
Ok, so I've been sick for a month now. I'm trying to record with my band, but it's not going as good as it could because my throat hurts and my voice doesn't work well enough. CAN I PLEASE BE DONE BEING SICK NOW?!?!? I just want to hurry up and record!! we've been talking about recording for a month+
6 song EP coming soon! (As soon as I am well enough to record...haha)
"...An interview with May Star. Never heard of her? You will. As yet unsigned to a record label, she has one of the most painfully bittersweet voices I have heard since Johnette Napolitano circa her Dream 6 days. She is also quite a hottie.
I warn you in advance, the song "She Always Laughs (at the Most Horrible Things)" will stick in your head and you'll find yourself humming it all night long. Not a bad thing."
I want to be something I'm not. And this is only today. I want to lie. I want to look like something I'm not so that there is something secret to discover. And I guess maybe I am already that way, but it's backwards; it's not the way I want it. I guess, by accident, I look happy, I look blonde, I come across as "a rich girl" ... the popular girl, and I bet I even come across as dumb. But it's all a lie.
I don't mean to come across as anything, but I can't speak.
It's hard for me to put things into words. I CAN ONLY WRITE. I can write books and pages of words and sentances and emotion and feelings. Anger, rage, sadness, hopelessness, despair...I can only write how I feel. I can never seem to put it into spoken words. I can't have a deep conversation unless it's either an argument or I have someone deep and educated to bounce off of. I have nothing to say, unless I have a keyboard. It's awful. I want to be me ALL the time. I want to be seen as who I am and not this false image that people see me as. But it seems impossible.
And at the same time, I wish that I could lie. And not be overly honest and opinionated. I wish I could pretend not to care about someone, and play games, and WIN... instead of being honest and losing because of it. I just can't be fake. I must point out all the bad qualities of everything or else I feel like I'm lying. If I was trying to sell someone a house, I would HAVE TO include all the things that sucked about it....not because I would feel guilty if I didn't, but because I would feel like I was being FAKE if I didn't.
But back to wanting to lie...I want to be a character, I want to be a mysterious beautiful girl, I want to pretend to be something I'm not...
And I want to pretend that I don't feel alone and abandoned by people who called themselves my friends. Even though I shouldn't care, even if they aren't the right people for me, even if they don't matter, even if I have a million another people who love me and who are actually my real friends, it still hurts that someone could be so fickle. It makes sense. It goes along with everything else, fake people make fake friends as well. But it still is terrible. Even though I was really the one who left, I still feel as though I am the one who was abandoned. Maybe I just hate the fact that I was not cared about enough to be missed....
Maybe I am jealous of how close everyone always gets to each other and how I can never seem to get that close to those type of people. I keep my distance from everyone, but it's not on purpose. I don't know how to be close, I don't know how to be normal. I always end up feeling detached and left-out. And sometimes I don't want to be a part of something because I think it's stupid, but at the same time, I still want to be a part of the parts that are not stupid....I guess it's that I want to feel loved and accepted without actually having to be an actual part of anything.
When I am part of something, I always manage to destroy it. Sometimes because I wished it away and sometimes merely because I said too much. Too honest. Too negitive. And while my honesty and negitivity can be extremely self-destructive, I can't go about life any other way, because I would feel fake, and I just couldn't even get myself to act fake, my lips wouldn't be able to form the words. It's anti-professional in a way as well. I'm not here to sell you something, I'm going to tell you exactly how things really are, I'm going to strip them down and make them sound horrible, because that's the TRUTH. If I had a small magizine, I would never say "Oh, you should write for my wonderful magazine" ...I would say "You should write for my magazine, but I'm warning you, no one ever reads it, the rest of our writers are kind of bad..." And so on. I will always say too much, I will always talk you out of everything with the truth. And the worst thing is, I will talk you out of things that actually are better than other things, but those other things stuck with their lies and so they won...
I want to be myself sometimes and sometimes I want to be everyone else instead. Contrast. I want to be different, but I want to be the same too. But when I want to be the same, I don't want to be different anymore and when I want to be different I detest all the things that are the same...
this is old (from my myspace profile) we may be nothing, but could you at least care about me?
why is it so hard to get someone to CARE?
person after person after person and you have ALL walked away knowing nothing about me.
you took and you never gave. you spoke, but you never listened.
i found out as much about you as you would let me, as much as i could find. but you never even cared enough to learn my middle name.
or my favorite color
or anything at all.
"i want you to know everything about me"
but you want to do nothing of the sort. you only care about yourself.
i waited by the phone. i waited forever. i thought about you all the time. and you went on with your life. out of sight, out of mind. is that what it is?
Mainstream Scenesters: The Final Death of the "Indie" Scene
Not too long ago, the kids in the indie scene, called "scenesters" were "cooler" than everyone else because they listened to bands no one else had ever heard of, and did everything they could to be the opposite of mainstream culture. Indie bands were called "indie" because they were "independent" ...but now it seems as though "indie" is such the new mainstream trend, that it's not "indie" at all, yet still goes by the same name. Interpol, Franz Ferdinand, The Killers: They are somehow called "Indie Dance Rock" ...yet there is nothing "indie" about them. Their music videos are all over TV and their music is all over the radio. The Coachella Music Festival is becoming more mainstream, with what seems like more and more people going to it every year. Indie/scenester bars are filling up with mainstream people who know nothing about music, yet try their hardest to get the "indie" fashion down.
It's all become a big joke, in my opinion. Maybe there is an indie scene somewhere else that actually is "indie" ...but definately not here in San Diego. No one has any individuality. Everyone just follows, and then follows some more. Everyone is a copy of a copy of a copy of someone else. Even some of our DJs are merely copies of our other DJs.
Even bands that are supposed to be the cool new thing seem tired and played out as soon as they emerge into "the scene." White Rose Movement, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Wolfe Parade, The Editors .... Of course it's good for the bands for everyone to know who they are, but it just seems as though our scenester and our scenester DJs are falling behind. Is this the best you can do? Is this the most obsure music you can come up with? I heard Clap Your Hands Say Yeah on the RADIO...and White Rose Movement is playing ultra-trendy Coachella....Oh wait, so are all the other bands. Really obscure. Yeah.
In the 90's Raves used to be the "cool" thing, and then all the mainstream people found out and invaded which killed the spirit of the rave scene and it died. The same thing seems to be happening with the "Indie" scene. It's blowing up, it's everywhere. It's on ipod commercials, it's at urban outfitters, it's on the radio. It doesn't even really exist anymore. A scene based on elitist knowledge of obscure bands can't exist if EVERYONE knows about the "obscure" bands...and at the same time, as much as "everyone" knows about these same bands, the truth is, these bands aren't even the ones that were cool. It's disposable music. Each band is big for a few months and then "the scene" moves on to the next band, which sounds slightly like the last band, but a little different. And in 10 years, no one is going to remember ANY of these bands. None of this music is "great" ...it's just kind of "there" ...it works for the moment, but taken out of the scene, and the context of being "cool and obscure" it really doesn't have any legs of it's own to stand on.
The opening of Beauty Bar in San Diego could definately mark the final death of San Diego's "indie" scene, and the "official" beginning of the era of the Mainstream Scenesters. As if it wasn't bad enough that Beauty Bar charges more for drinks than any of our little indie dive bars, and if it wasn't bad enough that their DJ's don't even get the money the door makes, the worst thing of all is happening: the entire scene is moving into that one venue. Beauty Bar is a chain, which is already very un-indie, and now every "indie" night we have is moving into that place.
When I heard that Beauty Bar was moving to San Diego, I thought it was going to be cool, like the one in New York... a no-cover bar with electrotrash-punk-beauty pageants once a month. Instead, all Beauty Bar is is everything we already had, just in a new location. Nothing creative or new, just a bunch of the same old DJs and their sheep in indie clothing. It used to be that you could go to whistlestop one day, livewire the next, and so on. Now everything that used to be held at those places is at Beauty Bar. So now, not only do we see the same people every time we go out, but we go to the same place, day after day after day. Even more like lunch-time at Junior High than it ever was before.
So I've stopped going out. It just doesn't sound like fun anymore. The same music, the same style-less people, the same everything, night after night after night. I'm forced to go out to promote my club, but I'm honestly starting to think it's a waste of time. These people have no individuality or style, they are afraid to be different ...I can't imagine any of them actually getting dressed up in themes to go out... I really think I'm done with this entire "scene" ....It's really just become so lame! I've moved on. I have my own band, and I have my own club. I'll work on making those great, and stop wasting my time hanging out with people who have no other purpose in their life than just hanging out in bars....
